FitChick Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I'm not really sure how to answer this...and a logical explanation would be fantastic, as that is how I operate... I posted this earlier but you must have missed it: Because the love of your life left you, whenever you develop similar feelings for another woman, it triggers fear in you that the same thing will happen again. Stimulus-response Psychology 101. That is the problem with conventional therapy -- you learn why you do it but still do it. Then you feel even worse because you "should know better." That was my experience. You need to look at not only which belief you formed as the result of that experience, i.e. "Love always ends," but also what would any logical person have to believe if he believed THAT statement? Examples: I'm not lovable I'm not good enough Women can't be trusted Women will always leave me Can you see how any or all of those might explain a pattern of sabotage? Not saying you believe any of these. Only YOU know what the particular beliefs are that drive your pattern. You don't even need to know what those beliefs are because a facilitator for the Lefkoe Method will help you figure it out. In my opinion it would be worth spending $200 which is the price for most therapy these days. Call (866)533-5631 to see if they have someone in your area to see in person (many licensed therapists use this method) or just have a phone session. I prefer phone sessions myself because many beliefs are shame-based and difficult to acknowledge. I used to have your problem but once I eliminated a lot of related beliefs, my fear of commitment and abandonment disappeared, thank God. That doesn't guarantee you will live happily ever after. You just have removed some obstacles of your own making. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 BTW, white Fitchick loves her method, it's not the only way to rid yourself of debilitating beliefs. I agree with a lot of what she says about beliefs, even though I'd never use the LM personally (and still think it's kind of silly to pay someone $200 to do your work for you). So, even if Lefkoe doesn't appeal to you, Hokie, the rest of that post might be worth considering. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 That's EXACTLY what I tell him. EXACTLY. I apologise, Star. I didn't realise you had been this clear with him. I do think it must be a nightmare having even the slightest involvement with someone else on here, then trying to get past it. Even if you've been able to do so, many of us won't be able to! Should your motivation for posting on some other people's thread really be the train-wreck factor, though? Should you, really, say that out loud?! Context: I was trashed at around midnight in Vegas last night, decided to text Star out of the blue. It was a stupid idea, I know. I was not trying to "reach out to her" or trying to say anything, to be honest. Just a dumb drunk text. This is right...I was wrong to have texted her... I'm surprised, Hokie, I've got to be honest. If you still choose to text someone who has explicitly asked you not to, it's yet another nail in the commitment-phobic coffin you seem to be headed for. That's no guarantee the relationship would last or that you would be happy. What if this Perfect Woman dumped you? I'm afraid I think this is highly likely unless you address, what I think is, the quite serious stuff going on here. Seems to me as though you used the 'barriers' of this lady's age and distance as 'insurance' that you wouldn't get involved with her. It's pretty typical CP behaviour (I'm a passive, so I get it). You craved the attention she gave you and, I imagine, did very little to discourage it. You started believing, against your rational mind, that the intimacy you shared could override the physical hurdles (as CPs do) and, frankly, indulged yourself. She sounds like she did the same but in passive mode. To suggest she could move (she has a family??) so soon after knowing you is foolish. The situation, when your hormones calm down, is far from ideal but you've both be playing lovey-dovey and it's a difficult road to steer safely off. Active CPs always think they could do better. It's an excuse. It's your argument for getting out of a situation, of your making, that, due to your issues, has become uncomfortable for you. Yep, you might be able to find someone 'hotter', nearer and more fertile but, what often happens with the actives, is that they become the passive and end up with someone with the same issues they used to ignore. All of a sudden, they've found 'the one' but the catch is: she's not that bothered. Yes, you're still pretty young. You've got time to p*ss about, feed your ego and test the waters but, from what you've said here, I honestly don't think it's going to be plain sailing for you. The lady you're seeing, as I said, is not entirely blameless. She is less conscious of the dynamic but she's let it go to her head, too. However, it's much harder being the one in the dark than the one making the conscious choices. She deserves your honesty. You'd both do well to get a copy of 'He's Scared, She's Scared'. It's by no means a cure-all but it does help someone accept when their behaviour has become self-sabotaging and this, in itself, is the first step towards happiness. Maybe your ego has developed enough, now, for you to really not want to settle down for a while. That is fine, as long as you're honest about this with yourself and with every lady who enters your life. You don't want to hurt anyone but your Nice Guy/CP behaviour does exactly that. The good news is that you are young, thoughtful, and you really don't want to hurt people. So, you're here and you're asking. Good for you; many haven't and wouldn't. You'll get there because you want to. Do try reading that book. It's a bit annoying at first (goes on a bit) but it drives the point home, and it needs to. (I was in denial for about 3/4 of it..) Even if you conclude you're nowhere near CP status, you will be able to spot the push-me-pull-you dynamic you tend to set off with the ladies, and learn how to nip it in the bud. But, before you even do that, please talk to this poor woman. There may be some road left for the two of you but, honestly, it doesn't look great. You must be honest with her (don't mention 'hotties' though, she doesn't need that kind of crap! ) and see if she's willing to just see how it goes. I suspect you could work out some stuff together but I can also see it only being a temporary benefit. If you want to be a decent guy about this, get on a plane and tell her face-to-face. At least, that way, she'll be able to see you respect her, and that stuff means a lot in a break-up. Good luck and, if you decide you truly want a relationship and the intimacy that comes with it, listen to betterdeal: brilliant advice! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 You can't compare Hokie to for example Eternal Sunshine or Torn Curtain. SG was smitten with Hokie. I'm not saying she still is, that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying she (still) has a soft spot for him. Meaning that things he says or does can hurt her. This was evident just a few weeks ago in a thread where they argued. So going NC would have two advantages: 1. She no longer would be emotionally affected by what Hokie says or does. 2. It would be more appropriate since she's in a relationship now and Hokie is seeing someone. I don't buy her explanation that she's (only) reading his threads to see a train wreck. At best that's only partly a valid explanation. Hokie does not fall into the same category in her eyes as ES or TC. YMMV. All I'm saying is I've often seen SG as one of the most consistent and predictable posters on LS and I don't see her treating ANYONE much differently than anyone else. Not going to argue her motives for several pages because that just feels weird. *Shrugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 It's a little frustrating when every one of my threads turns in an ongoing Hokie v Star saga...any legitimate questions or issues I have ultimately get overshadowed by the past. Yes, I made a mistake texting her. But it has nothing to do with the current situation at hand nor does it have any effect on how I'm feeling about my current girlfriend. It's completely irrelevant to the situation. If it had any bearing, I would have mentioned Star somewhere along the line... It's funny that NONE of her own threads have anything to do with Hokie v Star...because it's completely irrelevant to the topic. I don't go in there and raise hell, because I don't need to...if there are questions I can helpfully answer, like in her deployment thread, then I'll answer them. But other than that, I take no part. I wish I were extended the same courtesy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 So.....who is reallyhotguy? I can't figure it out...somebody PM me plz He's really hot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Titania22 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 He's really hot. I got that impression. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 He's really hot. Would it help him if we turned the AC on? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Also weren't you just planning to use and abuse this woman for a good time? I mean wasn't she all up for an older woman younger guy I'm going to mess you up and then move on type thing. You see no future with this person. I'm not saying you have to date people you're intstantly plotting to get engaged too... but how about dating people where you're just having fun. I mean with this older woman its not fun to be her serious bf. You're already sad. Don't make this mistake again. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I agree with a lot of what she says about beliefs, even though I'd never use the LM personally (and still think it's kind of silly to pay someone $200 to do your work for you). Does this look like Morty Lefkoe is doing the work for his client, the man on the right? all five parts and then decide? You might be surprised. Since more and more conventional CBT licensed therapists are using the Lefkoe Method on themselves and their patients, people might wind up doing it whether they realize it or not. I hope they give Morty the credit he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
reallyhotguy Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Would it help him if we turned the AC on? I overload every AC I approach I get a lot of angry invoices from maintenance departments 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 I'm attracted to her, but maybe not enough...? I certainly do feel like I'm settling here though...especially lately, as my "confidence" has been improving a little, as it often does when I'm dating someone...and I feel like I might actually have options... This is really what it's all about...the rest of this discussion topic is just fluff. Once you get with a girl who really knocks you out, you won't feel this way. A lot of people settle and I think no one wins in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 It's a little frustrating when every one of my threads turns in an ongoing Hokie v Star saga...any legitimate questions or issues I have ultimately get overshadowed by the past. Yes, I made a mistake texting her. But it has nothing to do with the current situation at hand nor does it have any effect on how I'm feeling about my current girlfriend. It's completely irrelevant to the situation. If it had any bearing, I would have mentioned Star somewhere along the line... It's funny that NONE of her own threads have anything to do with Hokie v Star...because it's completely irrelevant to the topic. I don't go in there and raise hell, because I don't need to...if there are questions I can helpfully answer, like in her deployment thread, then I'll answer them. But other than that, I take no part. I wish I were extended the same courtesy. 1. Texting other women the things you text me when you're in a relationship is COMPLETELY RELEVANT to the subject of this thread. That you don't think it's germane to your current relationship is appalling. Put it another way, would you want your GIRLFRIEND knowing about the things you've texted me since being with her? 2. I'll tell you why NONE of MY threads have anything to do with Hokie v. Star, whereas yours always do. It's simple. I never ever ever ever ever think to text you. Ever. If I start a thread about a man (which is rare, anyway), it's because I am fixated on that man. HE is the one on my mind. HE is the one I care about. NO ONE ELSE, and certainly not you. But more importantly, I AM NOT TEXTING YOU about anything at all, let alone telling you I'm not over you or whining to/at you, while starting threads about other guys, whereas YOU are texting ME saying such things, all while starting threads about other women! Don't act like this is just one time, either. It's a repeat pattern of yours. And "courtesy" would involve respecting my repeated requests to STOP TEXTING ME. STOP STOP STOP. Link to post Share on other sites
reallyhotguy Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Hokie, I so dare you to text Star right now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 13, 2012 Author Share Posted March 13, 2012 1. Texting other women the things you text me when you're in a relationship is COMPLETELY RELEVANT to the subject of this thread. That you don't think it's germane to your current relationship is appalling. Put it another way, would you want your GIRLFRIEND knowing about the things you've texted me since being with her? 2. I'll tell you why NONE of MY threads have anything to do with Hokie v. Star, whereas yours always do. It's simple. I never ever ever ever ever think to text you. Ever. If I start a thread about a man (which is rare, anyway), it's because I am fixated on that man. HE is the one on my mind. HE is the one I care about. NO ONE ELSE, and certainly not you. But more importantly, I AM NOT TEXTING YOU about anything at all, let alone telling you I'm not over you or whining to/at you, while starting threads about other guys, whereas YOU are texting ME saying such things, all while starting threads about other women! Don't act like this is just one time, either. It's a repeat pattern of yours. And "courtesy" would involve respecting my repeated requests to STOP TEXTING ME. STOP STOP STOP. :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 I'm getting the impression that Hokie is a little hypocritical and has more issues than Star Gazer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 13, 2012 Author Share Posted March 13, 2012 I'm getting the impression that Hokie is a little hypocritical and has more issues than Star Gazer. Eh, maybe, who knows. But I do find her high-strungness laughable. No wonder we never got along...I wonder if her dating profiles say she's laidback...? And to think that ANYONE would be interested in her after our last exchange...she must be out of her goddamn mind...the last text was just a drunken mistake...I think I was giggling at the time when I sent it. Frankly, she gives herself a little too much credit, but it is congruent with her personality. Link to post Share on other sites
reallyhotguy Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Hokie, I so dare you to text Star right now. Just so we're clear Hokie, this is the kind of thing that gets me the couch for the night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 13, 2012 Author Share Posted March 13, 2012 Just so we're clear Hokie, this is the kind of thing that gets me the couch for the night. Then I'll wait til tomorrow morning... Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 And to think that ANYONE would be interested in her after our last exchange...she must be out of her goddamn mind...the last text was just a drunken mistake...I think I was giggling at the time when I sent it. Hmmn. Not buying this, Hokie. Why were you giggling and texting her? If you are so unimpressed with her DELETE her number! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Anyways, Hokie, U are DATING a women, when you DO NOT feel the same about her, as she feels about you.. She is INTO you. If u were head over heals for her, you would not feel this way! I believe there is a strong chance, that if u go out and get the women u WANT, aka, the " hot" one, who also ends up being an amazing women, u WILL NOT feel the desire to be single. If u DO feel pangs of the old " single" thing, if your with the right women, it will go more like THIS: wow, although I feel the usual bullsh*t, I do know that this is one girl that is surely worth changing for. Man, u need you END IT with her, because it is truly unfair that u feel underwhelmed by the fact that u have a women that wanted U, and NOT a women U wanted..... I would HATE to be with a guy, knowing he felt that way about me!!! I want a guy who WANTS ME from the OUTset.... Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Eh, maybe, who knows. But I do find her high-strungness laughable. No wonder we never got along...I wonder if her dating profiles say she's laidback...? And to think that ANYONE would be interested in her after our last exchange...she must be out of her goddamn mind...the last text was just a drunken mistake...I think I was giggling at the time when I sent it. Frankly, she gives herself a little too much credit, but it is congruent with her personality. I don't believe you, sorry. My sh*t detector is going, "ding-ding." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 13, 2012 Author Share Posted March 13, 2012 If you are so unimpressed with her DELETE her number! Done. ----- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 13, 2012 Author Share Posted March 13, 2012 I don't believe you, sorry. My sh*t detector is going, "ding-ding." That's fine, I think I'll get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Done. ----- Yay! Now everyone can be happy! You gonna respond to my analysis of you or are you bored of this thread, now, too?! Link to post Share on other sites
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