revenge affairs

[BetrayedH]

good thing you got mommy's permission first

 

Yes, and if you recall, I was also a "cuckold" when I failed to immediately inform the OMs W. That was at least a more effective insult.

[drifter777]

... your hypocrisy is appalling. You have done real harm to your marriage. Whilst you are haunted by images of what your wife did, your wife had to wait for you at home knowing what you were doing at that exact point in time with another woman. How would you feel if you had knowingly done this? Sick to the core I should imagine.

 

You may be right regarding harming his marriage, but he believed he had no choice but to try to get even. It's an anger thing & a self-respect thing, and I understand it. In the wake of d-day, weren't all BS's willing to try just about anything to stop the hurt? They are both taking a chance that evening the score will help them move forward. Is this really so bad?

[BetrayedH]

I assume that as a BS, you insisted that your wife is completley transparent and allows you access to her passwords/email/phone etc. If she now asks you to do the same (which she is now perfectly entitled to do so), you will meet her demands.

Yes

 

I assume that you are never going to throw your wife's infidelity back in her face now.

Correct.

 

I assume that you now see yourself as guilty as your wife in damaging your marriage.

Hmm. No. There is a difference which was the entire basis of this thread. Say what you like but the fact remains that this never would have happened if she had not broken our marital contract. This was a consequence of her actions. And she made an adult decision to accept them.

 

I assume that you feel as ashamed of your actions as your wife does.

I am ashamed of lying to her while pretending to be the innocent, broken, betrayed spouse. I am not ashamed of sleeping with the OW. I had my wife's consent for that. I find that relevant.

 

I assume that you see that you have to work just as hard as your wife does if your marriage is going to recover.

Absolutely. This is actually the sense of balance that I discussed. Waywards seem to feel that they're the only ones "doing the hard work." What a bunch of crap. It's the BS that has to freaking fix what they broke by hurrying up and getting over it. Of course the WS should be remorseful if they want us to do that work. So in my mind, yes, now my wife and I both have some work to do to forgive one another instead of it all being on me.

 

my H had an affair before me and there was no way on this lifetime that I was ever going to use that as an excuse for my actions.

Good for you. You win the moral high ground for today.

[anne1707]

Do you feel remorse for being unfaithful to your wife?

[anne1707]

I have found someone that is into me on every level. Short of kissing and texting, I have managed to avoid the final physical boundary. We were in the hotel room, making out, condoms on the dresser, and we stopped. Don't ask me how. Guilt, I suppose. The opportunity is still there..

 

But the OP did "fool around" prior to his wife knowing. He has therefore been unfaithful.

 

The wife has been guilted into saying "yes" after the event

[18Years2Late]

Oh perfect...u chose an OW with a H...this should b good...better get lots of popcorn...this might be a double feature...

[18Years2Late]

I'm not bashing the OP for what he did to his wife with her permission...as a fOW I just don't like the OW part of it...treating her "like a prostitute" as someone else accurately mentioned...if OP feels better now, good...if it all works out, good...whatever gets you through...I think we are all just attempting to help him see thru his new found rose colored glasses that it's very likely not to turn out good...

 

That said...what I find EXTREMELY suspect is W's unusual willingness to "let" him have sex with OW...not once but for days...while she sits at home with nothing but time KNOWING FULL WELL what he is doing for several days...does that happen IRL?...idk...also suspect is the W's sutile attempt to "encourage" OP not to come home a day early...really?...so she wants another 24 hrs of delicious visuals of her H banging OW???...again I'm not in their R so idk...just suspect to me...I see an ulterior motive thru my phone screen...am I wrong?...maybe...I've been wrong before...we shall see...

[Spark1111]

Please stop bashing the OP, folks.

 

He met his OW on Ashley Madison so obviously they both knew what the score was. The OW "chose" him just as much as he "chose" her.

 

It is absolutely incredible the guilt trip that some of you keep trying to lay on the OP.

 

OP was a betrayed husband, his wife remorselessly cheated on him for a year (he said "50 times"), and his wife agreed to let him have a little on the side so as to try to even the score (which can never really be evened given what she has done). OP's wife agreed to this not for his benefit, but for her own purposes (undoubtedly so he can't hold her cheating over her head since now he is "equal").

 

OP's cheating wife is a skank and she has zero ability to criticize anything he wants to do.

 

If she doesn't like it, she can leave. Otherwise she needs to shut up.

 

Wow....angry much?

 

When I reconciled with my fWS he begged me to hit him. He also said he did not care who I slept with.

 

His offer was an attempt to even the score, alleviate his guilt and get me off his back.

 

I was appalled at his actions and saw them for the childish, deflections they were.

 

 

Had he allowed me to actually go and have my own fling in an effort to seek my complicity in sweeping his actions under the rug, I would have lost all respect for him. I would have lost all self-respect because it would have been acted on for reasons of pure ego.

 

Good luck to you and your wife and the new marriage you will now try to build together.

 

You truly deserve each other and the relationship you will now forge. I hope you can overcome your resentment and ego. I hope she starts valuing herself and becomes more than a doormat to her insecurities that led to the affair and to your ego, which may or may be not done with evening the score.

[18Years2Late]

Just by the way you phrase that statement you are bashing. OP didn't "do" anything "to" his wife.

 

You're taking my words very literally...

 

Isn't that the OW's choice? What's remarkable here is that fOWs, OWs, and BS's who happen to be female, are making common cause to bash a male BS.

 

Absolutely her choice...and what basis do you have that I hate all men?...I'm M to one...I had an A with one...

 

You all act as if the women involved with OP--his wife and his OW--aren't autonomous actors. That somehow the male BS has the responsibility for their choices and decisions, because he is a man, and they are women. Ridiculous of course, and it needs to stop. If OP's wife consents to his affair, he "guilted" her into it. But if OP's wife had her 50x as bad affair in the first place, it's because she was "insecure", a doormat, and somehow that's the OP's fault.

 

 

 

 

Seriously? Someone else mentioned that? He did no such thing, they met on Ashley Madison for goodness sake. You ladies just want to compulsively bash this man because he's a man and for no other reason.

 

Yep...someone else said it right here...

You have also used the OW. You have treated her like a prostitute.

 

 

If you weren't so gender-biased you could have said that the OW treated OP like the prostitute, since he was the one who was emotionally vulnerable based on his wife's affair.

 

Again...I'm not gender biased...

 

OP just can't win. His wife cheats, it's his fault. With her consent, he has sex with an Ashley Madison chick who is also cheating on her husband, and it's still OP's fault.

 

Never in any of my posts did I place blame on anyone...not my job and only your assumptions again...What I said to OP was if he feels better...all good...

 

 

If it doesn't, it's OP's wife's fault, 100%. She cheated, then she consented to him having sex outside the marriage because she KNEW it was all her fault.

 

 

 

 

Obviously the OP's wife agreed to it for her own selfish motives, maybe the ones you identified, maybe for so he couldn't lord it over her, maybe something else. She's definitely no "victim" though. She's the perpetrator.

 

See above...

[Severely Unamused]

I don't really have much to add to this since your mind is already set. But...

 

Having read some of your initial posts on LS under your old account, I have to admit, this is certainly a disapointing turn of events.

 

It seems that cynicism wins over optimism. Again.

 

You truly deserve each other and the relationship you will now forge. I hope you can overcome your resentment and ego. I hope she starts valuing herself and becomes more than a doormat to her insecurities that led to the affair and to your ego, which may or may be not done with evening the score.

I hope so too. Edited November 16, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Severely Unamused]

Gee I'm sorry if you think it's "cynical" rather than "optimistic" to be skeptical of the motivations of a cheating spouse who spread her legs 50x for the OM, but once again you blame the victim Op for being the "cynical" one rather than the actual cynic, his cheating spouse.

 

I couldn't care less about who to blame.

 

This situation is akin to watching a car crash in slow motion.

[BetrayedH]

Severely Unamused,

 

I admit that I am equally disappointed. The truth for me is that the combination of factors in my situation were quite literally overwhelming. I can list a half dozen times that just simply broke me over the last six months.

 

I also recall feeling similar disappointment when you chose not to give your husband a shot at reconciliation. Didn't he beg for a second chance? I think you offered joint counseling but gave him no hope that you would reconcile and said you weren't the type of person to second guess your decisions once they were made. That saddened me. Any chance that you changed your mind? I'm not trying to sound sarcastic. I'm hopeful that you found the optimism that you mentioned here.

[Severely Unamused]

You accused the OP of cynicism totally disregarding the 50x greater cynicism of his wife. If you didn't care who was to blame, why did you bother?

What are you...

 

I'm just going to ignore you now.

Any chance that you changed your mind?.

Let's just say that cynicism seems to win over optimism quite a lot these days.

 

Anyways, hopefully your situation will improve. With whatever choices that you make.

[BetrayedH]

Unfortunate. I hope your path leads to better days.

 

Although it certainly seems laughable and hopeless to an outsider, I actually feel more optimism now than I have in months. My W continues to express optimism as well. It will play out slowly. I'm not the first to gain permission from a WS to "get even" and still reconcile afterwards. Most of the situations I see don't result in significant trauma for the WS but I would agree that it rarely seems to help and usually leaves the BS with a sense of loss over the loss of their integrity. Both of these may end up true (it may be a slow-motion car wreck). But I'm hopeful that we can forgive each other and move forward.

[Severely Unamused]

Unfortunate. I hope your path leads to better days.

 

I'm happier now than I have been for the past two years.

 

But I'm hopeful that we can forgive each other and move forward.

 

There's only one way to find out.

[anne1707]

You deliberately ignored the point I made, which was that the wife approved his extra marital relations.

 

People are allowed to ratify past conduct that they didn't know about. OP's wife did exactly that.

 

I did not ignore it - I just think "your point" makes no sense. The OP was unfaithful and is now not unfaithful according to your interpretation of events which is plainly nonsense.

 

It's remarkable that you would actually turn things around and accuse the betrayed OP of guilting his wife into anything.

 

I find your interpetation of events quite remarkable actually. You are justifying somebody being unfaithful.

 

 

I would guess you are a cheating wife yourself, with that kind of attitude.

 

I have very clearly stated in this thread that I was a WS. You know that but you are just wanting to use that to undermine my credibility. As someone whose marriage has been successfully reconciled without the game playing that is going on here, maybe I am better qualified than others to help the OP.

 

Clearly, he did not have sex with the OW without his wife's knowledge.

 

I agree. The poor woman had to sit at home as told whilst he went out to have sex with someone else.

 

You are twisting and ignoring reality because the "event" in question was sex with the OW, which his wife did not consent to "after" it occurred. She consented to it before it occurred.

 

I would say that being in a hotel room, fooling around and with condoms ready is being unfaithful - full intercourse does not have to take place for it to be an affair

 

But by all means, continue your bashing of a BS who happens to be a man.

 

The fact that he is a man is totally irrelevant. I would take the same stance with a woman who did this. I also am not after bashing the OP but want to point out that in my opinion (which is the opinion of many others who have posted to this thread), the OP has done more harm than good by his actions.

[Spark1111]

Just by the way you phrase that statement you are bashing. OP didn't "do" anything "to" his wife.

 

 

 

 

Isn't that the OW's choice? What's remarkable here is that fOWs, OWs, and BS's who happen to be female, are making common cause to bash a male BS.

 

You all act as if the women involved with OP--his wife and his OW--aren't autonomous actors. That somehow the male BS has the responsibility for their choices and decisions, because he is a man, and they are women. Ridiculous of course, and it needs to stop. If OP's wife consents to his affair, he "guilted" her into it. But if OP's wife had her 50x as bad affair in the first place, it's because she was "insecure", a doormat, and somehow that's the OP's fault.

 

 

 

 

Seriously? Someone else mentioned that? He did no such thing, they met on Ashley Madison for goodness sake. You ladies just want to compulsively bash this man because he's a man and for no other reason.

 

If you weren't so gender-biased you could have said that the OW treated OP like the prostitute, since he was the one who was emotionally vulnerable based on his wife's affair.

 

OP just can't win. His wife cheats, it's his fault. With her consent, he has sex with an Ashley Madison chick who is also cheating on her husband, and it's still OP's fault.

 

 

 

 

If it doesn't, it's OP's wife's fault, 100%. She cheated, then she consented to him having sex outside the marriage because she KNEW it was all her fault.

 

 

 

 

Obviously the OP's wife agreed to it for her own selfish motives, maybe the ones you identified, maybe for so he couldn't lord it over her, maybe something else. She's definitely no "victim" though. She's the perpetrator.[/QUOTE]

 

Nah, now they are BOTH perpertrators.

 

Feel better BH?

 

Like SU, I too am severely disappointed.

 

You act as if no one has felt the pain you have, no one. So not true.

 

You have a long road ahead of you. When you stop feeling like a victim, maybe you'll stop acting like one.

 

Good luck.

[Owl]

Kidd...you've reached a point where you're now being defended by the hydra.

 

I can't think of anything that could tell you just how far you've gone morally/emotionally etc... more than this.

 

Think about that for a bit...you've reached the point where the only person defending your actions is hydra.

 

Good luck. I do hope that things work out.

[BetrayedH]

Kidd...you've reached a point where you're now being defended by the hydra.

 

I can't think of anything that could tell you just how far you've gone morally/emotionally etc... more than this.

 

Think about that for a bit...you've reached the point where the only person defending your actions is hydra.

 

Trust me, I noticed.

[Spark1111]

Kidd...you've reached a point where you're now being defended by the hydra.

 

I can't think of anything that could tell you just how far you've gone morally/emotionally etc... more than this.

 

Think about that for a bit...you've reached the point where the only person defending your actions is hydra.

 

Good luck. I do hope that things work out.

 

OMG! He's BAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKK!

 

And he is such a scorekeeper.

 

BH, he'll defend you for the next 48 times you step out on your marriage.

 

Lucky you.

[2sunny]

When my exH cheated at the 10 year mark he knew I was hurt and we worked toward forgiveness.

 

At some point he told me he wouldn't blame me if I went out and had sex with another man. It never occurred to me to seek revenge.

 

When I love someone - it's not in my moral compass to purposely cause harm to the one i love.

 

That's not my definition of loving behavior.

 

 

Your W gave permission. Permission to hurt her...then you did it. Sad to me.

 

I'd be prepared to deal with a R based upon two people that SAY they love each other but cause harm to one another. There are many contradictions in what you two are saying and doing to each other.

[18Years2Late]

[quote name=

Again these are obviously completely insincere sentiments on your part since you just got done viciously attacking the OP.[/quote]

 

Viciously Attacking?...I've never seen Owl vicious or attacking or viciously attacking anyone...

 

Hydra smart?...hmmmm...(fill in the blank)...

[frozensprouts]

Betrayed...

this is all very depressing...

 

you say you cheated to "even the score"...do you feel you have done so? what if you haven't? will you feel justified in cheating again? where will it end? if you cheat again to feel better, does that mean she gets to cheat again too? round and round it goes.

 

i just hope you aren't blaming your wife for your decision to cheat and go againt your "moral fiber"...YOU decided to cheat- it is no different than any one else who cheats and rationalizes their decision based upon how they feel their spouse is treating them. You can't blame someone else for "making you do something that goes against your morals, values, etc." I would assume that when your wife was cheating, she probably had reasons that justified her cheating too ( at least to her)

 

if i were you, i would get some marital counseling and try and figure out how to mmove pst this with no more cheating by either one of you.

[drifter777]

Kidd...you've reached a point where you're now being defended by the hydra.

 

I can't think of anything that could tell you just how far you've gone morally/emotionally etc... more than this.

 

Think about that for a bit...you've reached the point where the only person defending your actions is hydra.

 

Good luck. I do hope that things work out.

 

I don't think anyone has called me a "hydra" so I'm not going to take this shot personally.

 

Owl, there are a number of people who support Kidd's decision to even the score if that's what he and his wife believe will help move them forward. I'm not sure it is the best way to go, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because he's stuck in the "make this hurt stop" phase and needs something to get past it.

 

When I read advice on "how to survive infidelity" on other websites, many times they point out that the affair may actually end up improving a marriage as it shocks both BS and WS into addressing issues that caused them to get to this point. Is this really so different? Evening the score might be the thing that shocks both of them into looking at their marriage and deciding whether it is worth trying to save. They were so stuck I think it (getting even) was worth a try regardless of how things end up.

 

I don't believe any BS should even attempt reconciliation before they take care of themselves. That doesn't mean I think all BS's should leave immediately after the d-day bomb is dropped, but whether they do or not they need the time and opportunity to vent their feelings. They need to deal with the denial, anger, and begin to accept that they are at a crossroad and it is THEIR decision on how to move forward. Lots of BS's that feel that they were somehow coerced into reconciliation end up here, at LS, looking for answers as to why they still feel shattered by the actions of their WS. If they had focused on their own personal recovery before making the decision to stay or go I think many more of them would be at peace with their decisions.

 

Sorry for the dissertation, but I feel very strongly about this subject. I hate to see so many BS's make decisions that effect the rest of their life while still in the "just make the pain stop" phase.

[anne1707]

Drifter - I am pretty sure (OK, 100% sure) Owl does not mean you