revenge affairs

[18Years2Late]

If you're still reading Kidd...please don't spend your 4 days of sexual fantasy and freedom "using" your fOW...I remember you said she was developing feelings for u...as a fOW who was lie to and used for an ego boost by my one foot in one foot out (of my life) fOM when W pissed him off or because "he missed me"...I can tell u nothing hurts more than to know you've been used...get an escort or some other willing participant at a bar...leave you're fOW out of this mess if u have no real plans for a future with her...if u care about her at all...I hope u get what you're looking for...take care...

[drifter777]

Kidd: Hope you check in from time-to-time, even if you don't post for a while.

 

In my opinion, you have never really accepted and understood the fact that you are still only ~8 months out from d-day and in the very early stages of dealing with the shock of your wife's cheating. No emotional band-aid or pop psychology is going to magically heal you. Type the phrase "betrayal trauma" into Google. One item you may find is the following:

 

"(betrayal trauma) violates the victim's understanding of rules, roles, relationships, respect, morals, ethics, and values, which are the core tenets of the psychological contract (that existed between the betrayer and the betrayed)".

 

In other words, this betrayal has shaken the very core of your being, and your ability to recover depends on how effectively you are able to rebuild your definitions of the core tenets that you define yourself by. Until that time you are in a constant struggle to right your emotional ship, and that is a painful, scary, and exhausting place to be. Again, I urge you to find an IC you can work with because it will help you regain your emotional equilibrium, which in turn will prepare you to make the decisions that are best for you and your family.

[2sunny]

Look at YOUR moral compass - its the basis for YOU - and being capable of looking in the mirror at ones self is what you answer to at the end of every day.

 

DO things that make you proud of yourself - not things that make you shun your own image of your core being.

 

I hope you are well and reading here.

 

Don't lose track of your integrity - its hard to get it back once you hand it over to the dark side...

[whichwayisup]

Good luck and I hope you and your wife are able to reconnect and recapture that love and genuine care and respect for one another again. Those days before children, that passion and just having fun again, then build upon that, a new leaf turned over, fresh start .. Together.

 

Please come back and update when you're ready to.

[frozensprouts]

one thing that helped me through the time period after my husband's affair ended was to remember that no matter how painfull things were, one way or another, they would get better. What you feel today may well not be what you will feel forever

[BetrayedH]

Kidd, I've given you the best advice I could.

 

I'll tell you the truth (as I always have)...I honestly don't think that you're anywhere near on the right path for reconciliation.

 

It'll be interesting to see if you come back and prove me wrong. I'll be watching for the resolution to your situation no matter which way it goes.

 

Good luck.

 

Considering the thoughtful opinions of those that have been with me for a while, here are a few replies...

 

Owl, I hear you and making this decision went against my moral compass. What I do know is that I was unable to keep on with the way things were. Separation/divorce was looking us square in the face and more frequently. We were very clearly at the edge of a cliff. It wasn't what my wife was doing (or not doing); it was what had already been done. While I believe that any type of affair is just as hurtful to the BS, I think some circumstances make it especially difficult to reconcile. For me, in my situation, I simply could not accept that she got to have this year-long fantasy affair and that I simply had to get over it. I don't care what anyone says, in the end it is all about the BS's ability to get over it. The sooner they do, the sooner you reconcile. The WS can help or hinder (or even preclude the R) but the burden ultimately rests upon the BS. I think you yourself have previously indicated that your W's affair was an EA and you wouldn't have been able to R if it had been a PA. I think I would have been able to handle an EA or a ONS but 50ish times over the course of a year was too much. It was certainly a huge risk. My wife could have mental movies and trust issues that won't go away despite her best efforts. This could push her into the arms of the OM. But the status quo was not working. Something had to change. If nothing else, at least you could credit me for having a plan and taking action. In all honesty, I think this is what we needed to be able to move forward and to stop looking backward. I'll keep you posted. Again, I think it will be a while before it's safe to judge.

[BetrayedH]

Kidd: Hope you check in from time-to-time, even if you don't post for a while.

 

In my opinion, you have never really accepted and understood the fact that you are still only ~8 months out from d-day and in the very early stages of dealing with the shock of your wife's cheating. No emotional band-aid or pop psychology is going to magically heal you. Type the phrase "betrayal trauma" into Google. One item you may find is the following:

 

"(betrayal trauma) violates the victim's understanding of rules, roles, relationships, respect, morals, ethics, and values, which are the core tenets of the psychological contract (that existed between the betrayer and the betrayed)".

 

In other words, this betrayal has shaken the very core of your being, and your ability to recover depends on how effectively you are able to rebuild your definitions of the core tenets that you define yourself by. Until that time you are in a constant struggle to right your emotional ship, and that is a painful, scary, and exhausting place to be. Again, I urge you to find an IC you can work with because it will help you regain your emotional equilibrium, which in turn will prepare you to make the decisions that are best for you and your family.

 

Always appreciated, Drifter. I liked your quote and found it accurate.

 

In some respects, I think I have finally taken action to deal with my anger issues. It may not be what you suggested but it wasn't magically going away and no amount of discussing it was helping. For what it's worth, I have IC today and attend an infidelity support group tonight.

[BetrayedH]

Look at YOUR moral compass - its the basis for YOU - and being capable of looking in the mirror at ones self is what you answer to at the end of every day.

 

DO things that make you proud of yourself - not things that make you shun your own image of your core being.

 

I hope you are well and reading here.

 

Don't lose track of your integrity - its hard to get it back once you hand it over to the dark side...

 

This situation has changed me. I am not as naive and I'm not as innocent as I once was. But I'm also still proud of who I am. I've treated the OW with respect. I've treated my wife with respect. And I've helped preserve a nuclear family for my children. And ultimately I did it in a way that finally treated myself with respect. Others may disagree but my old way would have been to be the superhero and save the family at the expense of myself. That was going to do me in. Ultimately, this was a natural consequence of my wife's actions, she's accepted it, and we're going to be moving forward. I think you even suggested this level of honesty and that she might grant me the permission. Sure enough. Anyway, I know your intent is nothing but good and I appreciate the care that comes across in your posts.

[Spark1111]

Considering the thoughtful opinions of those that have been with me for a while, here are a few replies...

 

Owl, I hear you and making this decision went against my moral compass. What I do know is that I was unable to keep on with the way things were. Separation/divorce was looking us square in the face and more frequently. We were very clearly at the edge of a cliff. It wasn't what my wife was doing (or not doing); it was what had already been done. While I believe that any type of affair is just as hurtful to the BS, I think some circumstances make it especially difficult to reconcile. For me, in my situation, I simply could not accept that she got to have this year-long fantasy affair and that I simply had to get over it. I don't care what anyone says, in the end it is all about the BS's ability to get over it. The sooner they do, the sooner you reconcile. The WS can help or hinder (or even preclude the R) but the burden ultimately rests upon the BS. I think you yourself have previously indicated that your W's affair was an EA and you wouldn't have been able to R if it had been a PA. I think I would have been able to handle an EA or a ONS but 50ish times over the course of a year was too much. It was certainly a huge risk. My wife could have mental movies and trust issues that won't go away despite her best efforts. This could push her into the arms of the OM. But the status quo was not working. Something had to change. If nothing else, at least you could credit me for having a plan and taking action. In all honesty, I think this is what we needed to be able to move forward and to stop looking backward. I'll keep you posted. Again, I think it will be a while before it's safe to judge.

 

I think you, like many a man, are stuck on the sex she had.

 

What if it wasn't all that good?

 

A lot of women in an affair do what they have to do to keep those feel good hormones flowing, but the sex is not what it is truly about for them.

 

It is how desirable the AP made them feel.

 

I do not think you will successfully fabricate the affair fantasy in four days because a) you may not be that flawed or have characteristics of an addictive personality and, b) the ego boost you recieve will be short-lived and shallow, making you even more miserable, IMO.

 

As for your wife? She's just going to have to take another hit to her ego and self-confidence and low self-esteem. Hell, it sounds like she feels she even deserves it in allowing you to proceed with your four-day f fest.

 

What are you doing?

[BetrayedH]

Good luck and I hope you and your wife are able to reconnect and recapture that love and genuine care and respect for one another again. Those days before children, that passion and just having fun again, then build upon that, a new leaf turned over, fresh start .. Together.

 

Please come back and update when you're ready to.

 

Thanks. I move back home tomorrow night (one day early) and I look forward to putting your suggestions into action. I can tell my wife looks forward to the same thing. For her, this is finally the end of the disastrous part and the beginning of rebuilding. It is for me, too.

[Owl]

Thanks. I move back home tomorrow night (one day early) and I look forward to putting your suggestions into action. I can tell my wife looks forward to the same thing. For her, this is finally the end of the disastrous part and the beginning of rebuilding. It is for me, too.

 

I disagree.

 

Now you've "hurt her" as much as she's "hurt you".

 

This doesn't even the playing field...it just creates more emotional damage and trauma to the two people trying to reconcile.

 

You now have MORE damage to your marriage to deal with...not less.

 

I suspect that there's going to be a high level of resentment on both sides for quite a long time...I hope you manage to overcome it and reconcile...but we'll have to see how that runs.

[BetrayedH]

I think you, like many a man, are stuck on the sex she had.

 

What if it wasn't all that good?

 

A lot of women in an affair do what they have to do to keep those feel good hormones flowing, but the sex is not what it is truly about for them.

 

It is how desirable the AP made them feel.

 

I do not think you will successfully fabricate the affair fantasy in four days because a) you may not be that flawed or have characteristics of an addictive personality and, b) the ego boost you recieve will be short-lived and shallow, making you even more miserable, IMO.

 

As for your wife? She's just going to have to take another hit to her ego and self-confidence and low self-esteem. Hell, it sounds like she feels she even deserves it in allowing you to proceed with your four-day f fest.

 

What are you doing?

 

I was definitely stuck on the sex she had. She told me that they had such great physical chemistry and that he was more dominant than I in bed; that he better understood where that line was. Hopefully that helps others understand why I had such a hard time with it. Those things will stick with me for a while.

 

I suppose everyone needs to know...yesterday was a day spent with the OW. Quite frankly, it was great for both of us. I would daresay it was wonderful for both of us. It was a month-long drama finally consummated. Today will be our final day. Then it will be over. She's had a good month to understand that there was no permanent chance for us and we both see it as a short-lived opportunity to be there for one another. It's not forever but it was something when we both needed it. I'm glad it was with her and not some tramp/escort. She has drama to resolve in her life and so do I. We've had very open and honest conversations with one another.

 

So far, I'm not miserable and I don't feel terribly guilty. I would have if it hadn't been disclosed. We'll have to wait and see.

[2sunny]

it might be useful for you to ask YOURSELF - why do i intend to cause hurt and pain to my wife - the woman i say/thought i loved?

 

why? you - obviously - and with a purpose (now since yesterday's event) - made a clear and conscious decision to harm your wife... i want to know why?

 

and now - you brought more of that same to this OW too...

 

i feel very sad that your INTENTION (with YOUR behavior) is to cause harm to these women instead of loving behavior.

 

harm - yes, you used this OW to make yourself temporarily feel good. you threw guilt and shame at your wife in order to "justify YOUR bad behavior" with this OW.

 

tell me now - HOW do YOU intend to change this bigger mess that you have created by participating with such purposeful intent to cause more harm?

 

what are YOU going to do to repair the damage you continue to cause?

[drifter777]

I think you, like many a man, are stuck on the sex she had.

 

What if it wasn't all that good?

 

Spark1111: I think nearly all men react this way because the mental images we suffer are never about the "emotional" component, they are all about imagining your wife having sex with OM. Tell me, are woman plagued by mental images of their H complimenting the OW on her shoes?

 

BetrayedH/Kidd: I've said many times that I think you are still reacting to d-day and the shock of your wife's betrayal. You are still in "make the hurt stop" mode and, like most of us, will do nearly anything while in this fragile state. BS's often make desperate attempts to put the pain behind them as soon as possible. Some simply walk away, some engage in "hysterical bonding", clinging to their partner in hopes of becoming "closer than ever", others try to tough it out and end up offering their WS false understanding and "forgiveness". The phases of mourning are well defined, but the exact order one feels these strong emotions differ from person to person.

 

The anger you have felt in the past few months has fueled your desire to get even, and now you feel you have taken a big step in that direction. Really, who's to say it is "wrong" or that it won't help? In my way of thinking, there is nothing short sighted when it comes to surviving the trauma of betrayal. Do what you have to in order to hold on to your sanity & self respect and let the chips fall where they may.

[BetrayedH]

it might be useful for you to ask YOURSELF - why do i intend to cause hurt and pain to my wife - the woman i say/thought i loved?

 

why? you - obviously - and with a purpose (now since yesterday's event) - made a clear and conscious decision to harm your wife... i want to know why?

 

and now - you brought more of that same to this OW too...

 

i feel very sad that your INTENTION (with YOUR behavior) is to cause harm to these women instead of loving behavior.

 

harm - yes, you used this OW to make yourself temporarily feel good. you threw guilt and shame at your wife in order to "justify YOUR bad behavior" with this OW.

 

tell me now - HOW do YOU intend to change this bigger mess that you have created by participating with such purposeful intent to cause more harm?

 

what are YOU going to do to repair the damage you continue to cause?

 

I think I've already explained "why". For once in my life I did something for myself. I didn't want a pedicure or a big steak. I felt entitled to what I did and it felt justified and sadly, necessary for me to move forward. My wife agreed. The OW agreed. And the OW is fine. She's better than fine. We enriched each other's lives.

 

As for my W, I'm now going to focus on doing all the things I can possibly do to make this the best marriage possible. I simply couldn't do that before. She's finally going to have a husband that can look and move forward on things like finances, vacations, and life in general.

[18Years2Late]

Well...I feel bad for the OW...actually for all involved but really for OW since I've walked in her shoes...in her used shoes...

 

She may have said she understood the rules of your game...she may have even tried to convince herself...but trust me there was a little piece of her broken heart that was hoping that she'd be "good enough" to make you change your mind...

 

Oh well...it is what it is now right?...now we step back and watch the show...(getting popcorn)...

[18Years2Late]

I think I've already explained "why". For once in my life I did something for myself. I didn't want a pedicure or a big steak. I felt entitled to what I did and it felt justified and sadly, necessary for me to move forward. My wife agreed. The OW agreed. And the OW is fine. She's better than fine. We enriched each other's lives.

 

As for my W, I'm now going to focus on doing all the things I can possibly do to make this the best marriage possible. I simply couldn't do that before. She's finally going to have a husband that can look and move forward on things like finances, vacations, and life in general.

 

So...whatcha going to tell wifey?...whatcha going to say when she wants to relive in full color HD every minut detail of your 2 day F fest?...over and over again...are u going to use the adjective "wonderful" for her as u did for us?...then she decides that she can't handle your actions...kicks u out and runs to her xOM...who she's possibly been in contact with for 3 days...not saying that's the way it will play out...but just realize it's a definite possibility...she's lied before...50ish times right?...just saying...2 wrongs don't make one right...

[whichwayisup]

Now that you've had sex with the OW, spent the day with her, I do suggest that you get an STD test done. Just incase.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure how sleeping with the OW, even for one day, is going to better your marriage, or make you feel better in the long run, but I have to ask if you're going tell your wife. I ask because what if the OW decides she can't or won't let go.. She feels used, one time in bed with you and then you go back home.. Sure you two 'had' an understanding, but if the OW has feelings for you, it won't be this simple. What if the OW tells your wife. Be prepared..

[despicableME]

I think you should do whatever makes you and the marriage better. If its getting a little bit of revenge to even the score, then so be it. Although not very many would suggest doing such a thing, the decision lies with you. Good luck, my man.

[bentnotbroken]

I think I've already explained "why". For once in my life I did something for myself. I didn't want a pedicure or a big steak. I felt entitled to what I did and it felt justified and sadly, necessary for me to move forward. My wife agreed. The OW agreed. And the OW is fine. She's better than fine. We enriched each other's lives.

 

As for my W, I'm now going to focus on doing all the things I can possibly do to make this the best marriage possible. I simply couldn't do that before. She's finally going to have a husband that can look and move forward on things like finances, vacations, and life in general.

 

 

Wow, what a gem.

[drifter777]

As far as getting kicked out....he's out already.

 

The 64 dollar question is whether she's changed the locks yet.

 

I don't think it's really much of a question; she simply has to take it if she wants to stay married. I mean, how can a cheating wife get all indignant because her husband decides to get even? If she can't take it, there's nothing worth saving.

[BetrayedH]

You're certainly welcome to your moral outrage and righteous indignation. Prior to this I had so much honor, integrity and character that I was choking on it. A lot of good that did. I was a good husband and father that didn't deserve this nightmare.

 

As for the OW, yes I feel badly that she didn't end up with the long term relationship she wanted. It sucks that she's going to be alone (with her husband). I'm not sure how much more caring, honest and upfront she could have expected out of an attached affair partner than she found on Ashley Madison.

 

As for my wife, she's more concerned that I'm coming home a day early. She likely thinks I didn't follow thru. She said yesterday "Please just be sure" about coming home early and that "I am ok with whatever decision you want to make while you are gone." keep in mind that she doesn't want to know so I don't need to say anything. If she changes her mind, I'll be honest.

 

I'll give you this...if there are explosions and drama, I'll come back, share it, and refill your popcorn. How will you react if none of your dire predictions come true? For what it's worth, my therapist thought that while it was unconventional, "Whatever works."

[BetrayedH]

He doesn't have to tell wife anything since he made sure to get her permission first. It's kind of sad when a guy is so under his cheating wife's thumb that he doesn't even think he can have a revenge affair without getting her to OK it first.

 

As far as getting kicked out....he's out already.

 

The 64 dollar question is whether she's changed the locks yet.

 

That would be interesting, considering that she just now asked me about spending $200 on the marriage sherpa program. Maybe her attorney showed that to her. Anyone have feedback on it? I've started looking at Imago.

[BetrayedH]

I don't think it's really much of a question; she simply has to take it if she wants to stay married. I mean, how can a cheating wife get all indignant because her husband decides to get even? If she can't take it, there's nothing worth saving.

 

After all the pain she has watched me endure, she knew this was a fair request. I didn't ask for a year. She saw a good deal and took it. This was her chance to make a sacrifice and I'm glad that to some extent she'll be able to release some of her own guilt as a result. And we both look forward.

[anne1707]

I assume that as a BS, you insisted that your wife is completley transparent and allows you access to her passwords/email/phone etc. If she now asks you to do the same (which she is now perfectly entitled to do so), you will meet her demands

 

I assume that you are never going to throw your wife's infidelity back in her face now.

 

I assume that you now see yourself as guilty as your wife in damaging your marriage.

 

I assume that you feel as ashamed of your actions as your wife does.

 

I assume that you see that you have to work just as hard as your wife does if your marriage is going to recover.

 

 

 

If the above is not the case, then your hypocrisy is appalling. You have done real harm to your marriage. Whilst you are haunted by images of what your wife did, your wife had to wait for you at home knowing what you were doing at that exact point in time with another woman. How would you feel if you had knowingly done this? Sick to the core I should imagine.

 

You have also used the OW. You have treated her like a prostitute.

 

I know some on here will think I have no right to post like this as a former WS. But my H had an affair before me and there was no way on this lifetime that I was ever going to use that as an excuse for my actions. I am an adult. I choose what I do. Just as you have chosen this path. Take responsibility for your actions. The reason you slept with the OW is because you wanted to, not because of what your wife did. She did not force you into this.