revenge affairs

[StoneCold]

I completely understand what it feels like for a nice to just get sick and tired of being trampled on but don't go down this road.

 

 

I'm not arguing with your opinion on this as it applies to you (you can think and believe what you like). But I'm curious what exactly is it that you think will make him feel better or what exactly it will do for him to take the "higher" road....and no dogmatic stuff either

[nofool4u]

Whichever way you take this, do NOT tell your wife.

EVER.

 

You already HAVE that kind of marriage--courtesy of your wife. It's a fait accompli and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

If he does decide to have a revenge affair, then from that point on he will have no business throwing her affair up in her face if he decides not to tell.

 

OP, if you have your revenge affair and decide not to tell your wife, then from that point on leave your wife alone about hers unless you are going to tell the truth.

[nofool4u]

In case you missed it, I broke it off with the OW today. She's graciously letting me go to find my way. At least it went smoothly.

 

Enough for today.

 

oh, so you did have an affair.

 

ok then, as long as your wife doesn't know about it, never throw hers up in her face again. you both are now on the same playing field.

 

you don't get to browbeat her about hers when you had one secretly yourself.

[2sunny]

ok - so now you decided NOT to cheat... good! now you aren't causing MORE harm by growing the negative bigger.

 

my question remains - what are you willing to DO - to address the remaining anger you carry towards your wife?

 

HOW can you express your anger toward her - grow from what you learn by the way YOU participated - and get to the other side (by not carrying the anger any longer)... then and only then - will you two be capable of growing your love bigger and stronger.

 

this victim role that you are playing is getting you validation and attention from OTHER women. you have invited in a negative energy path by doing this.

 

now that you are willing to shut that down - how can YOU get that from yourself? how can you THEN offer your healthy self to your wife?

 

these are VERY KEY questions... and CAN be answered.

[2sunny]

and IF your W isn't DOING enough for YOU to feel loved, honored and cherished as HER husband - you need to tell HER EXACTLY what YOU need from HER!

 

no more telling OTHER WOMEN = tell HER! that would be the start of being honest!

 

IF she can't or won't give YOU what you need - leave! that would also show honesty in action!

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to leave my marriage. I don't want to hurt my wife. I love my wife and don't want to be angry with her anymore. I have an opportunity to balance the equation a bit (even having some of my own guilt is a motivator). I hate feeling like the naive idiot that stayed married and faithful after this. My biggest fear is that I wouldn't be able to stop. The sexual chemistry is off the charts.

 

So, you don't want to hurt you wife, yet you're willing to by possibly having a revenge affair? To even the score, so to speak? Hello, that's NOT going to help your marriage recover, if anything, not only are going to complicate things and make your marriage WORSE (not being trustworthy, faithful and becoming a cheater is on BOTH you and your wife's hands), but also, you'll be hurting another woman by involving her in your self serving plan. W..T..F Don't do it, man.

 

Either divorce your wife or work with her on the marriage, give her a second chance and forgive her. To stay and hope your marriage will be better after YOU cheat is INSANE. And selfish. And a real dumb choice to make.

[whichwayisup]

In case you missed it, I broke it off with the OW today. She's graciously letting me go to find my way. At least it went smoothly.

 

Enough for today.

 

Okay I see that you ended things with the OW. I hope she understands and respects your decision to let go gracefully. It's one thing to say, another to do, even more so since you said the chemistry was quite good with her.

 

She doesn't need to be in the position as the OW when you have no real intention of divorcing your wife and then to be with her one day.

 

I'm sure if you did counselling, either marriage counselling or regular counselling the c would tell you your plan and idea wasn't a good move, so it's good you are chosing not to go ahead and have an affair.

 

Go skydiving, do something fun and insane that won't put your marriage on the rocks, possibly make it end in divorce.

[2sunny]

So, you don't want to hurt you wife, yet you're willing to by possibly having a revenge affair? To even the score, so to speak? Hello, that's NOT going to help your marriage recover, if anything, not only are going to complicate things and make your marriage WORSE (not being trustworthy, faithful and becoming a cheater is on BOTH you and your wife's hands), but also, you'll be hurting another woman by involving her in your self serving plan. W..T..F Don't do it, man.

 

Either divorce your wife or work with her on the marriage, give her a second chance and forgive her. To stay and hope your marriage will be better after YOU cheat is INSANE. And selfish. And a real dumb choice to make.

 

mentally - he's already been there WWIU - physically - he's been right on the edge too... literally; in the hotel room with a condom on the night stand...

 

now he says he ended it today - but it is obviously still taking up THAT mental space in his mind... so is HE really out of this affair?

 

dunno... most likely nope...

 

best way to turn this around is to focus all time and energy on his wife and the marriage... but will he?

[nofool4u]

ok - so now you decided NOT to cheat... good! now you aren't causing MORE harm by growing the negative bigger.

 

but he had an OW, so didn't he cheat at least emotionally?

[2sunny]

but he had an OW, so didn't he cheat at least emotionally?

 

he says he did - and the fact that he posted in the infidelity forum says SOMETHING...

[BetrayedH]

If he does decide to have a revenge affair, then from that point on he will have no business throwing her affair up in her face if he decides not to tell.

 

OP, if you have your revenge affair and decide not to tell your wife, then from that point on leave your wife alone about hers unless you are going to tell the truth.

 

This was actually part of my intent. The balance would have worked both ways. I wouldn't have felt like she got away with this (as I had my own affair) and I would stop unleashing my anger towards her because I had my own guilt to wrestle with. To be honest, it was working in both regards. Of course, it still precludes and real reconciliation because it's all a front. I'm glad I stopped. OW has already gracefully released me. I won't be going back.

 

The rest will await another day.

[BetrayedH]

but he had an OW, so didn't he cheat at least emotionally?

 

And yes, I am a cheater. I am married. I kissed another woman three times, had an emotional affair, and sexting occured. I hid it all from my wife. I am a wayward husband. To be technical I am also a MOM. Are these labels helping anyone? Are we clear now?

[nofool4u]

And yes, I am a cheater. I am married. I kissed another woman three times, had an emotional affair, and sexting occured. I hid it all from my wife. I am a wayward husband. To be technical I am also a MOM. Are these labels helping anyone? Are we clear now?

 

saying you are a cheater isn't a label, its a proper description, as it is proper to apply the description to your wife.

 

that being said, I hope from this point on you don't say a word to your wife about her cheating. you have lost the right to complain about her affair now.

 

don't get me wrong, she deserves the consequences, but not now that you lowered yourself to her level.

[2sunny]

it's not a level playing field - as he knows of his wife's affair and she has no idea (maybe?) of what he has been up to behind her back and out of his own anger.

 

the power is always in the dishonesty and secrecy...

 

the anger is still there... BIG TIME!

 

what have you AND your wife done to address the anger you are holding onto.

 

you are NOW using it to justify YOUR bad behavior... which isn't positive.

 

what work have you two been doing? you obviously haven't been honest with each other... there is much work to do. YOU are also causing harm to her at this juncture.

 

would you be kind and take time to answer these questions - so we understand what you and your wife have been doing since you realized she cheated?

 

what EXACTLY has she been doing to REPAIR the damage she caused?

 

what would it take to let go of the anger you are holding on to?

 

is there any benefit for you to stay in the victim role? if so, why? if not, what did you do to get past the benefits a victim role provides for you?

[whichwayisup]

saying you are a cheater isn't a label, its a proper description, as it is proper to apply the description to your wife.

 

that being said, I hope from this point on you don't say a word to your wife about her cheating. you have lost the right to complain about her affair now.

 

don't get me wrong, she deserves the consequences, but not now that you lowered yourself to her level.

 

Exactly..

 

And this is all great in theory, if it actually works.

 

One question. now that you've gone ahead and had an inappropriate fling with another woman..Have you officially 'forgiven' your wife? Are you going to love her, trust her, adore her, grow with her and be happy? All that resentment that had been inside of you is gone since you cheated?

[BetrayedH]

It was a flawed theory. It was desperate. No, it's not suddenly all better now. It's impossible to balance. If I had kept it up for a year, then it's arguable that we would be even. No, kissing a girl three times didn't make it all better. But of course, being even isn't the issue anymore. It's reconciliation and how the hell is that going to happen now.

 

Please don't take offense but I'll answer questions in my own due time. My basic question was to ask if this balance affair was wrong and why. The question has been answered. I failed my conscience; I've started to try to make it right. If I have another question, I may ask it and in another thread.

 

Yes, I have anger issues.

Yes, I have trust issues.

Yes, I have honesty issues.

 

I don't know that I trust LS to be the solution to all my marital problems.

 

I will say that I want to forgive my wife, to love her, trust her, adore her, grow with her and be happy. I get that I'm not there yet. I have issues. This is an added complication, one that may limit all my options. And one that may hurt my wife immensely. Risking the hurt to my wife will be my biggest regret.

[2011aug]

It was a flawed theory. It was desperate. No, it's not suddenly all better now. It's impossible to balance. If I had kept it up for a year, then it's arguable that we would be even. No, kissing a girl three times didn't make it all better. But of course, being even isn't the issue anymore. It's reconciliation and how the hell is that going to happen now.

 

Please don't take offense but I'll answer questions in my own due time. My basic question was to ask if this balance affair was wrong and why. The question has been answered. I failed my conscience; I've started to try to make it right. If I have another question, I may ask it and in another thread.

 

Yes, I have anger issues.

Yes, I have trust issues.

Yes, I have honesty issues.

 

I don't know that I trust LS to be the solution to all my marital problems.

 

I will say that I want to forgive my wife, to love her, trust her, adore her, grow with her and be happy. I get that I'm not there yet. I have issues. This is an added complication, one that may limit all my options. And one that may hurt my wife immensely. Risking the hurt to my wife will be my biggest regret.

 

I dont get it. I dont understand your motivation for staying with your wife after her affair.

 

One thing I do see is the continuing consequences or the rippling effects of her affair. Where it all ends, I doubt anybody really knows.

 

In reality, you can only determine/control your own direction.

[Richard Friedman]

 

I will say that I want to forgive my wife, to love her, trust her, adore her, grow with her and be happy. I get that I'm not there yet. I have issues. This is an added complication, one that may limit all my options. And one that may hurt my wife immensely. Risking the hurt to my wife will be my biggest regret.

 

What the hell. I guess this is the modern man. No righteous anger, always wanting to take the high road at his expense. This is the same wife who was mocking you to the other man, prolly telling him how much better he was. Ive been with a married woman once, and know guys who make a sport of it. The words that are exchanged will make your toes curl. Yet because of some bs youve been forcefed with all your life you feel obligated to always be some kind of martyr. Anything to spare the precious feeeeelingss of a woman who lied to your face for a year(while proly getting a giddy thrill at how gullible you are).

[Woggle]

I don't agree with the way he is dealing with it because it is completely unhealthy but I very much understand what it feels like for a formerly nice guy to always do the right thing and get crapped on. You feel taken advantage of and that nobody respects you. It makes you want to be the bad guy at least once in your life.

[road]

Revenge affairs never solve anything. They don't make things even. They create more problems, damage, hurt, pain, and last take away the high road with nothing of value returned for the loss.

 

But is nothing new. This has been this way forever.

[whichwayisup]

No rush and you don't have to answer the questions publically..they are for you to think about and sort through.

 

Maybe it's time to go to counseling and sort stuff out. LS can help to a cetain point but the rest is up to you.

[loversquarrel]

I was in the same boat you are in. My wife cheated on me several times, come to find out even just before we got married. I was so emotionally devastated by this. I tried to forgive her but the anger and resentment just kept building inside me, it hurt so much. I was always faithful and had many opportunities come my way that I turned down because I was happy and proud to say I was married. After a year of sulking I finally couldn't take it anymore and I made a decision to do it back to her and let me tell you - She acted like a complete victim, screaming at me telling me how awful a thing I did - imagine that. Then I did what I should have done a long time before and divorced her.

 

Its a tough choice but I really think if I had to do it over again, divorce would have been the better thing to do, to take yourself completely away from someone that doesn't deserve you is far more powerful than revenge. It sends a stronger message.

[Bryanp]

For most people cheating in a sexual affair is indeed a deal-breaker. You wife engaged in a year long physical affair putting your heath at risk for STD's and making a mockery of you and your marriage. I personally believe that you owe her nothing. It was not a drunken ONS. It was planned and carried out over a year manipulation and lying to you. I believe that you deserve happiness for the rest of your life. If you wish to find it in your wife then I wish you luck. If you wish to divorce and look for other options then good luck to you also.

 

I am of the belief that for many cheating wifes that if they knew for a fact that any cheating would automatically result in a divorce, I doubt they would engage in such behavior. My opinion is that many (not all) of them believe down deep that they can engage in a year long sexual affair and the husband will eventually forgive them anyway so why not? There are simply no significant consequences to their actions and their husbands are left holding the bag feeling guilty if they they think of divorce. What is wrong with this picture?

[2sunny]

what consequences did your wife have/endure?

 

my exH had me forgive at the 10 year mark - i had one stipulation - IF he cheated again... we would divorce without so much as a conversation - and that's the way i ended it when i found out he was cheating again at the 20 year mark.

[ThreeLegDog]

My opinion is that many (not all) of them believe down deep that they can engage in a year long sexual affair and the husband will eventually forgive them anyway so why not? There are simply no significant consequences to their actions and their husbands are left holding the bag feeling guilty if they they think of divorce. What is wrong with this picture?

 

I know. My W continues to have a year+ long affair. And today she actually said that if I "get on my knees and beg her to stay" she would think about R.

 

I just shook my head and walked away.