revenge affairs

[BetrayedH]

I'm fu*king ***broken***. What would you have me do?

[frozensprouts]

And how sad for me? At 17 years together. And two beautiful children? Really? Hell, I'm still in denial. I loved this woman and my kids with everything I had.

 

are you staying because you love your wife and your marraige, or because it's what you think you "should" do?

it really sounds like you need some prefessional help to help you figure all this out in a way that is the best for all involved.

 

there's lots of good advice on here, but sometimes actully talking with someone in real life who can be a detatched third party can help sort out your feelings.

[BetrayedH]

are you staying because you love your wife and your marraige, or because it's what you think you "should" do?

it really sounds like you need some prefessional help to help you figure all this out in a way that is the best for all involved.

 

there's lots of good advice on here, but sometimes actully talking with someone in real life who can be a detatched third party can help sort out your feelings.

 

Both. Counselors have been no good. I've had two ICs and an MC that just keepmasking, "And how does that make you FEEL?". Give me a break. I can have a cheaper conversation with myself and have more stimulation. Are you serious?! All three have said I have symptoms of PTSD. Great. I guess I'll look at pictures of my W and the OM and realize how non-traumatizing they are. EMDR? Yeah, sure. My eyeballs are the key to everything. You know what? The only solution is that this doesn't happen in the first place.

[2sunny]

Doesn't matter how long the M is - IF your in the M based out of fear - its not gonna be easy to have a happy M.

 

Since you state you're staying for the kids and from fear - you can expect to have half a M.

 

There's no love, honor or cherish in what you've typed. There's duty. Duty doesn't equate to love - it equates to obligation.

 

Besides - I'm also not seeing YOU bringing YOUR honesty into this mix either.

 

If I found out someone/anyone stayed with me for the kids or obligation - id realize my WHOLE marriage was based on a big fat lie! I'd wonder what life COUlD have been IF I'd have been with a man who REALLY loved ME, not just married because he stayed for my kids.

 

YOU thinking you are SO desirable - is a big issue! YOUR ego is in the way - that IS the kind of man who cheats - mainly because YOU think more of YOURSELF than you do of your wife, the M...

 

Be Honest with yourself and your W - yep, set your ego aside, the only way your M can get better is IF you get honest, stay honest, and set the ego aside.

 

Even IF you don't stay M - that kind of ego - wont attract a woman who will do right by your side.

[2sunny]

Seems you need to work on your perception and perspective.

 

It may be useful to see that you tried healing your M by causing it more pain.

 

How would more pain be useful? What could YOU DO differently?

 

Could you focus on loving your W no matter what? Could you BE loving, kind, compassionate, tolerant of her shortcomings and HONOR HER (and BE honest) all the rest of your days? If YOU can't - then there's not much to discuss- if you can't then it's all based on pretending (which is lying).

[confusedan]

sorry i only read the first page, but here is make take on it, WH has told me I could have a free pass for a month, which I rolled my eyes at. His A was a year and a half, and I get a paltry month, lol. But that being said, in the past few weeks I have been propositioned by an old male friend. I kind of blew him off and later chewed him out in a n email. I told my WH a couple days later and WH asked that I not see the friend, I had plans to go to his party last weekend, with the kids, and it was a family party, but I respected WH's wishes and told him I would not private text/chat him and we would only remain in contact through public facebook wallposts. Well anyway, saturday night I went out with family members dancing, and they all know about H's A, and some were almost pushing me to talk, flirt with other guys and I didn't really, yeah there was a lot of eye candy, and I was drinking, and love to dance, us girls were dancing and the first guy I turned down, the second guy came up from behind me and started dancing with me, I was really caught off guard and tipsy, so I danced for a couple minutes and then he started putting his hand on my stomach, under my shirt, well I ended it right then, said thanks for the dance and got off the dance floor. I told WH about it, and he was very upset, I don't want to have an RA, but going out an about etc, has made me realize I deserve fun, I deserve to be happy and I deserve a partner that is honest with me and will come to me when boundaries are being crossed, and try to correct them, but above all I deserve someone who I want to be with, and who wants to be with me, all the time, not just when I am happy, I need someone with me through the good and the bad. I am vulnerable for an RA, I know it, and coming to my H and telling him what happened, he knows it now too, but how is your WW changing to make you want to stay? My WH is still not sure how to do this, I see you are hurt, you are looking for validation from OW's, just as I am looking for validation from OM's, we feel used, abused, an afterthought, the default, the floormat. Do you want to be with your W? You need to first be honest with YOURSELF, before answering that. If you answer yes, then you need to let her know what you have done so far, and proceed from there. Honesty is the first step, on both spouses parts.

[drifter777]

And how sad for me? At 17 years together. And two beautiful children? Really? Hell, I'm still in denial. I loved this woman and my kids with everything I had.

 

I'm fu*king ***broken***. What would you have me do?

 

Both. Counselors have been no good. I've had two ICs and an MC that just keepmasking, "And how does that make you FEEL?". Give me a break. I can have a cheaper conversation with myself and have more stimulation. Are you serious?! All three have said I have symptoms of PTSD. Great. I guess I'll look at pictures of my W and the OM and realize how non-traumatizing they are. EMDR? Yeah, sure. My eyeballs are the key to everything. You know what? The only solution is that this doesn't happen in the first place.

 

BetrayedH: I think you are finally expressing the anger, hurt, shame, and outrage that your wife's betrayal has caused you. I hope this "revenge affair" business is behind you as it is simply not going to fix things. Nobody can predict the future and we are all different but - you are still in the first year since d-day and the likelihood is that things are only going to get worse in the near-term. If you can continue to be real with yourself I believe you will make decisions that help your recovery whether you choose to reconcile or not.

[BetrayedH]

I confessed last night. W was graceful but obviously hurt by my lies and deceit while I was asking for openness and honesty. She needs a few days to process. Cross your fingers for me.

[frozensprouts]

I confessed last night. W was graceful but obviously hurt by my lies and deceit while I was asking for openness and honesty. She needs a few days to process. Cross your fingers for me.

 

 

i am glad you did this. if your marrriage is to be salvaged, ast least it will be from a place where you are both honest.

 

if you don't mind my asking, how do you feel about having come clean?

[BetrayedH]

Somewhat relieved. I am an honest person; this was an aberration. I'm glad I retained some shred of who I was.

 

Otherwise, scared of the consequences, I suppose. R will be more difficult, if it's possible.

 

BTW, for those that haven't figured it out, this is an alias. My real handle is Kidd. No sense hiding it now.

[despicableME]

I feel like I now need to decide what I want from life. To try being on my own. To make my own decision to come back or not.

 

This is what you need to do. From what I gather reading from your post you feel, and will ALWAYS feel, resentment and animosity for being the "good guy." It seems to me that you're just putting off the inevitable- DIVORCE. If you continue in this broken marriage, you're always going to find an excuse to "balance" the situation... that's no good for anyone involved. As you said, you would have no problem attracting someone else, so why the fear of being alone? In my opinion, you're waffling. For some reason, the social pressures invloved- staying for the kids- are just prolonging the separation/divorce proceedings. From what I've read, you should NEVER stay just for the kids... it only leads to the resentment you are currently experiencing- a toxic situation.

Edited November 12, 2011 by despicableME

[BetrayedH]

This is what you need to do. From what I gather reading from your post you feel, and will ALWAYS feel, resentment and animosity for being the "good guy." It seems to me that you're just putting off the inevitable- DIVORCE. If you continue in this broken marriage, you're always going to find an excuse to "balance" the situation... that's no good for anyone involved. As you said, you would have no problem attracting someone else, so why the fear of being alone? In my opinion, you're waffling. For some reason, the social pressures invloved- staying for the kids- are just prolonging the separation/divorce proceedings. From what I've read, you should NEVER stay just for the kids... it only leads to the resentment you are currently experiencing- a toxic situation.

 

I won't be making any such big decisions today. The real problem is that I'm just six months from Dday and didn't have the patience to allow R to play out. If you read my other thread, you'd know I'm pretty dedicated to R. It's not just for the kids. Keep in mind that I read and post here when I'm at my worst. There are high parts of the roller coaster, too.

[despicableME]

Oh... no doubt the ball is in your court. Its just that you are so hell-bent on evening "the score," that it seems you're never going to get over it no matter how long you stay married.

[BetrayedH]

Oh... no doubt the ball is in your court. Its just that you are so hell-bent on evening "the score," that it seems you're never going to get over it no matter how long you stay married.

 

Seems like the lowest of priorities today. I hope it stays that way. I can't predict the future. Putting my best foot forward.

[2sunny]

Although I had resolved not to do so, I recently realized that I would have left by now if my children weren't involved. But the children and the uncertainty about how much this has changed my wife keeps me here. And fear.

 

 

. It's not just for the kids.

 

glad you told your truth... now you may have a place to start - if you gave her your honesty.

 

so staying for the kids - which is it - because you contradict yourself.

 

and what did your W say? did you also tell her you stay for the kids?

[BetrayedH]

I did give her honesty and fully. I wasn't going to do some halfway nonsense. I understand too much about TT for that. And we needed it. Your messages resonated with me.

 

And it was my honesty about how the unfairness of the sexual part of her affair has been so difficult to overcome. Last night she granted her permission to do what I need. She doesn't want to know any more about it and she's not going to judge me for it. Thus, I am still moving out later today for four nights. After this, it will be wholehearted R and in with both feet. Pretty interesting development to say the least.

 

In regards to the whole kids piece, she and I discussed this at some length previously. I told her that I had decided early on that I would not just stay for the kids and that we HAD to have that better marriage that everyone talks about. But this whole experience is so painful. At some point, I had a revelation that I would very likely have left a few months ago if it hadn't been for the kids. I probably would have thrown in the towel. She also said it was this way for her for a brief period of time and that she wrestled with it. But she and her IC discussed that while it may have been true for a time, that doesn't mean it stays that way. We agreed that we both need to be into it for more. And I DO love my wife immensely. I've always held out hope for us. But I had to acknowledge that by itself, it may not have been enough to get us this far.

[findingnemo]

I'm glad you opened up and were honest. Of course, it doesn't change things and make everything better. What it does is to open the door for reconciliation. Yes, love may not be enough. But the desire to try to work on it is all that should matter at this point. Our emotions change so much in such situations that you can't be sure what you'll feel this time next week.

 

Take it one step at a time. The goal is to resolve things one way or another and still keep your kids happy and stable whatever happens.

[Breezy Trousers]

I'm glad you told your spouse. Just want to add --

 

Affairs aren't about the spouse. Never ever. It certainly FEELS that way, but all illusions feel real. Doesn't make it so.

 

This is why revenge affairs are an exercise in futility & stupidity. The affair was never about you anyway, but by fighting a puppet shadow, another layer of toxcity is added to the situation, muddying the waters even further.

 

Oh well. Glad you caught yourself in time, BH. Wishing you and your wife all the best.

[2sunny]

I'm unclear - you are leaving the house for four days - with a plan to return to the marriage after that?

 

Please explain what you intend to accomplish with time away and intent to re- enter the M...

[Steen719]

 

And it was my honesty about how the unfairness of the sexual part of her affair has been so difficult to overcome. Last night she granted her permission to do what I need. She doesn't want to know any more about it and she's not going to judge me for it. Thus, I am still moving out later today for four nights. After this, it will be wholehearted R and in with both feet. Pretty interesting development to say the least.

 

What is this?? Is this to have an affair of your own? Oh, oh!! I see problems if I am reading this correctly.

[Afishwithabike]

I did give her honesty and fully. I wasn't going to do some halfway nonsense. I understand too much about TT for that. And we needed it. Your messages resonated with me.

 

And it was my honesty about how the unfairness of the sexual part of her affair has been so difficult to overcome. Last night she granted her permission to do what I need. She doesn't want to know any more about it and she's not going to judge me for it. Thus, I am still moving out later today for four nights. After this, it will be wholehearted R and in with both feet. Pretty interesting development to say the least.

 

In regards to the whole kids piece, she and I discussed this at some length previously. I told her that I had decided early on that I would not just stay for the kids and that we HAD to have that better marriage that everyone talks about. But this whole experience is so painful. At some point, I had a revelation that I would very likely have left a few months ago if it hadn't been for the kids. I probably would have thrown in the towel. She also said it was this way for her for a brief period of time and that she wrestled with it. But she and her IC discussed that while it may have been true for a time, that doesn't mean it stays that way. We agreed that we both need to be into it for more. And I DO love my wife immensely. I've always held out hope for us. But I had to acknowledge that by itself, it may not have been enough to get us this far.

 

Kidd - I've read your other thread and it felt at times you were trying too hard to get to healing. It seemed like you were suppressing your emotions.

 

But your four days going forward or the fling you had with the OW won't ever come close to what she had. By your own estimation she did it what 30 or more times with OM? She had it going on for more than a year, right? She's saying you are "entitled" to a week or more? It's not an apples to apples comparison. Maybe you should ask for a year.

 

I still go back to my first post in this thread. You do what you want but it's just not the same because she got more out of her affair. I haven't been in your shoes but I imagine if I were, I would want some form of just compensation which I guess is what you're going for.

[2sunny]

Your W recently had contact with her boss - OM - did she reveal any more truth when you revealed yours?

[18Years2Late]

Your W recently had contact with her boss - OM - did she reveal any more truth when you revealed yours?

 

I'm thinking she's about to have 4 days of contact with the "boss"...that was way to easy for him to get a 4 day hall-pass...her 4 days were all planned out before she gave him his...sorry Kidd/BH...maybe I'm wrong but BTDT...

[BetrayedH]

I'm going to go dark here for a while. I appreciate the feedback I've received and for this community in general so I wanted to be upfront that I'm not likely to share more details from here. It's now between my wife and I. It's going to take a while to see how it plays out. I'm aware of the risks that I'm taking but I also know things couldn't continue as they were. To reinforce my previous messages, this still remains a step I felt necessary for myself. It's not about my W. It is about not rolling over and playing dead. It is about having some of my own fantasy fulfillment. And it doesn't have to be apples to apples. But it couldn't stay 100 to 0. At least not for me. I didn't want my wife to know; it may bring serious challenges to R. Personally, I think it's finally going to allow us to start a real R. But I won't convince anyone here and I don't need to. I just wanted to provide the respect of a final reply. Good luck to everyone here on your own journeys. Infidelity sucks sh*t for all of us but there is light at the end of the tunnel and it might not be a train.

[Owl]

Kidd, I've given you the best advice I could.

 

I'll tell you the truth (as I always have)...I honestly don't think that you're anywhere near on the right path for reconciliation.

 

It'll be interesting to see if you come back and prove me wrong. I'll be watching for the resolution to your situation no matter which way it goes.

 

Good luck.