revenge affairs

[18Years2Late]

Why do I feel like the hydra just grew two new heads?

 

Seriously...u beat me too it...but you're wrong...it's one new head WITH a BW in tow...but I'm kinda almost relieved bc it was almost a little creepy to see a WH and BW posting together...not something that happens everyday around here...

[Spark1111]

"Getting even" wasn't the objective. Causing her pain wasn't the objective. Even calling it a revenge affair was a misnomer. I couldn't wrap my head around why she got to have fantasies fulfilled with someone else and I had to not only have the pain of that being done behind my back but then have NO fantasy fulfillment of my own. Why did it have to stay 50 to 0? The deal that was on the table and enough for me to accept was a one-time pass. And I did get some fantasy fulfillment out of it. I'm not so damn jealous over it now. I do find it interesting how many times people would say, "Well, just ask for an open marriage then" yet in this one case there was a very brief agreement that brought some mutually acceptable sense of balance to the betrayed partner and there's little support (Drifter). Sorry, I don't count the hydra that has his own purposes.

 

I'm not terribly proud that it came to this. I wish I had been stronger but I'm not sure how many people have actually walked in my exact shoes and reconciled successfully. Maybe I'm wrong. It's definitely not the first time I've heard a wayward grant permission for a betrayed to have their own fling. Admittedly, it usually ends with, "It didn't help." In my case, I'm not so sure. The only place I've gotten moral outrage over it has been this forum. I'm not judging anyone for it and I can handle the criticism. Does this help it make any sense to you?

 

Many have walked in your exact shoes and successfully reconciled without sleeping with a stranger.

 

You too sound like a scorekeeper.

 

Are you even now?

 

You sound like a good man; a man who handled a lot of responsibility with integrity at a very young age.

 

You are riding the high of your permitted act of rebellion.

 

I fear you will crash and burn in time. I could be wrong. I hope so.

 

You cannot rush the process and you are still in the early stages.

 

I hope you get to IC and find out why you feel the need to act out now. I sense it has less to do with your wife's affair then your upbringing, which the affair has triggered some deeply buried feelings you have suppressed for a very long time.

 

Time to sow some wild oats? The ones you were never allowed to in adolescence and young adulthood? I suspect yes!

 

You've got a lot of personal work to do IMHO. The affair is one issue. Your issues, recently triggered by the affair is a whole other animal.

 

I wish you, your wife and your marriage success.

 

Good luck to you.

[2sunny]

i don't say i am a better person for not taking my the H up on the offer to cheat - and relieve HIS guilt by causing harm - selling my soul to the devil and behavior that i didn't want to represent me.

 

that would have been handing him even more power over my well being and happiness.

 

 

you need to ask yourself why you have handed so much power to her - that you sold your soul for a revenge tactic?

[despicableME]

Even calling it a revenge affair was a misnomer.

 

This is what I mean. Its not an affair at all. And in all honesty, I'm not here to judge you. You did what you thought was going to give you some semblance of peace... I'm good with that... to each his own. What I was trying to convey was the fact that, like you said, your wife did waaaaaaay more, and for a longer period of time. I guess from what you're getting at, she got into some kinky *****, and all you wanted was a little taste of what she was experiencing... just for some piece of mind, right? You've been "good" all this time... you've been the model husband, parent, companion; now its your turn to "****-up" for once. To be able to be "bad" for once... right? I get it. I just thought you could've done it much better if that's what you were really after. Not that I condone it... but I understand it.

[JustJoe]

Betrayed, pardner, I have been a little busy and haven't been keeping up with your posts until today, but a couple of things struck me. First, this isn't about "revenge' or "evening the score', if it was, you are getting short changed. One year = 4 days? Not where I come from. What it IS about is you re-affirming your self-esteem, which you negated by asking permission. In your situation, you don't ask......you tell!! You TELL her what IS going to happen and she can either agree or not, then do it anyway. You need to be more concerned with taking back your life, than preserving your marriage. I'm afraid that all you have done is give your cheating wife a free pass. She now thinks that she is home free and the affair will be forgotten, because you "evened the score", and she, noblely, allowed you to do so. I guarantee that she feels much better about herself, now, than before you had your little fling, and the bottom line is that even after cheating, she is still calling the shots. I know you said that you were a "beta male", but you need to Alpha-up in a hurry.

[Owl]

 

Owl is freaked out by what you did because he had believed himself to have a degree of influence and control over your opinions and behaviors that simply didn't exist. He is outraged and offended that anyone could disagree with him about this since he knows he would never have the cojones to do what you did. In a word, although he'll never admit it--he's jealous.

 

Owl isn't freaked out, nor jealous.

 

Exactly as BH himself put it...Owl is disappointed that BH took the route he did.

 

As far as what Owl has the cojones to do or not to do...be glad you'll never be in a position to learn about that first-hand.

 

BH is indeed a grown man, making his own decisions. He posts those choices and the results of them here on LS...where he knows that they'll be commented on.

 

If you don't like it when other's post their opinions on his actions...you may consider finding another website more to your tastes...perhaps take up Hello Kitty Online Adventures instead?

[18Years2Late]

Owl isn't freaked out, nor jealous.

 

Exactly as BH himself put it...Owl is disappointed that BH took the route he did.

 

As far as what Owl has the cojones to do or not to do...be glad you'll never be in a position to learn about that first-hand.

 

BH is indeed a grown man, making his own decisions. He posts those choices and the results of them here on LS...where he knows that they'll be commented on.

 

If you don't like it when other's post their opinions on his actions...you may consider finding another website more to your tastes...perhaps take up Hello Kitty Online Adventures instead?

 

Now I'm getting popcorn AND beer!!!...

[frozensprouts]

 

He doesn't have to accept anything and he doesn't have to move past anything. That's called sweeping it under the rug and serves the purposes of his cheating spouse. Maybe sweeping it was the only way you could move forward in your marriage after your spouse cheated on you, but that doesn't mean it's a good prescription. If you were really past your spouse's affair you wouldn't be obsessively posting at Love Shack. Nor would Spark, nor would Owl. Nor would a whole lot of other people who claim they not only have found the answers for themselves (they haven't, obviously) but that they have a one size fits all prescription for the whole world.

 

interesting...you answer knowing nothing about the crap we both had to go through after my husb and's afafir. we both attended counseling, alone and together, he also worked with psychologists and social workers to find out the root causes of his behavior and how to make changes. he had to go to his warrant and officers and admit what happened and face consequences from them as well. Saying 'move past it" IS NOT sweeping it under the rug- it is admitting there isd a problem and doing the damn hard work to find out what it is and fix it. I don't think you know much about this, so perhaps it would be best if you did not offer an opinion on a process you seem to know nothing about

Instead of so many people all the time bringing their own issues into a discussion of someone else's situation, they need to stop talking about themselves and just start addressing the factual situation as posted by the thread starter.

please take your own advice. maybe i am wrong, but the only one who seems interested in your point of view is yourself. you can't see past you agenda to the fact that he seems to want to try and remain in his marriage...if this is what he wants, why can't you accept that and offer helpful advice on that, instead of the same regurgitated clap trap?

 

Obviously YOU think that she is (not me--I never said it) or you wouldn't have even mentioned it. But you don't want to take the credit/blame for your honest opinion about his spouse because it would require you to point the finger squarely where it needs to be pointed. So you stated your opinion of his wife in a disingenuous way, by attributing it to me as my supposed opinion, and then denying responsibility for having laid it out there.

what the heck does this even mean?

No I wouldn't have called her a "tramp" and didn't, I do think she is completely self-centered and selfish, but I would say exactly the same thing about the vast majority of people who cheated the way she did, male or female. "Tramp" is a word that women use about other women when they are jealous of their sexuality or want to put them down--it refers to alleged "promiscuity" but not really the dishonesty that's inherent in cheating.

 

Next time please don't say what you really think deep down in the dishonest manner of falsely attributing your own feelings to someone else for the purpose of publicly denying your feelings and simultaneously putting another poster down, like you just did. Thanks.

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:this is too funny...are you trying to be humerous..:laugh::laugh:

 

 

 

 

They'll never repair anything if the first step (as you recommend) is to move past it. You don't see the contradiction but that's why you haven't repaired your own marriage. For repair to be possible the cheating spouse has to be FULLY ACCOUNTABLE which means it can't be "move past it." FULL ACCOUNTABILITY means when OP wakes up in the middle of the night five years from now because he had a nightmare of his wife cheating, she has to own that and apologize all over again, and do whatever it takes to make him feel better--NOT say: "I thought we were past that. Can't you just get over it? What's wrong with you?"

 

sigh...who the hell is suggesting that he not turn to her when he needs support because he is hurting? I 'm pretty sure it was mentioned one here ( by myself and others) that they will both need to be there for each other... that it won't be easy, that it will take time and effort and introspection

 

Remarkably the only one who has owned his behavior is the OP who is already full of guilt and remorse for his fling with his OW, even though his wife encouraged him to do it and probably hasn't lost one wink of sleep over it.

 

are you dense or what? he had an affair BEFORE he talked to his wife about it. even he says that. what do you think he was on that ashley maddison website for? a recipie exchange?

 

 

Why? Because that makes life easier for the cheater? No, it's not the BS's "job" to "let go" of anything. It's the WS's job to do whatever it takes. If whatever the WS is doing is not sufficient to naturally diminish the pain and anger of the BS, that means the WS isn't trying hard enough. (They rarely if ever do.) And in that event the WS has to accept that pain and anger. Even if it lasts for the rest of the marriage. The unwillingness of the WS to accept the consequences of their actions, including all that pain and anger, is precisely one of the biggest reasons why reconciliation in these situations is difficult if not impossible.

 

and you arrived at this conclusion how?

 

There are so many people such as yourself giving this wildly incorrect advice--"get past it," "get over it", go to counseling, where the purpose of the counseling is really to brainwash the BS to just put up with the situation--that's all wrong. The only path is total honesty and total acceptance of responsibility by the WS. Convincing the BS to stifle his feelings is convenient for the WS, but doesn't solve anything. Since many WS's are congenitally incapable of EVER being totally honest, or EVER accepting total responsibility for their actions--after all that's why they cheated in the first place--true reconciliation with a chronic cheater like OP's wife is generally unlikely even in the best of circumstances.

 

the whole point of counseling is to allow the betrayed spouse to be able to get their fgeelings of hurt, betrayal and anger out in the open so they can be adressed. counseling gives them a safe place to talk, have their feelings validated , for a third party to hear them and tell them they are not wrong for feeling the way they do, but that there may be healthier ways of dealing with it than holding on to it so that it poisons the rest of their lives.

 

 

You haven't gotten over anything yet if merely seeing your spouse's OW house causes you pain. That's what sweeping it does--avoids the issue.

 

walking by her house mostly causes me pain becaue SHE is a pain.. she harassed me and my children to the point we had to get legal help to get her to stop. yes, there is still a some bad feelings left about the affair even after time has passed, but i choose not to wallow in them and i choose not to let them poison my life and make me angry and sad every day...

 

What you should be able to do is to go home when you have those bad feelings merely by walking past OW's house and address it to the cause, your husband. You should have the freedom to express your pain directly to him and he should have to sincerely accept your pain and do whatever it takes to try to help you feel better, even if this is what happens every single time you go to the grocery store from now until the end of eternity. If you had that kind of freedom, you would probably find the pain would be much lesser or gone by now. But he doesn't want to accept the

esponsibility for your pain.

do you serriously think i don't do that? i tell him, and he's very supportive, but i coudn't the other day because he's away with the army on a training exercise...do you think his officers would appreciate me calling him up when he's climbing a tower to do a coms reset because "i am sad":laugh:

This is what sweeping it under the rug does--the poor BS is left to just swallow all that pain.

 

You are still all alone in your marriage, you just don't want to admit it.

 

 

 

please find responses in bold.

 

you sir, are as dense as lead of you think that moving past a bad time in one's life means sweeping it under the rug. For most couples that choose to reconcile, it takes a lot of hard work, time and willingness to hear some thigs you may not like to move forward. He's had to hear a whole bunch of things from me that he didn't like. he's also had to look inside himself and see a person who was acting in ways he didn't like . he's been there for me every time i've been upset ( unless he's deployed or away for training, and he's there for me during those times when he can be- kind of hard to support someone as much as you'd like to from thousands of km away) . he's done everything i asked him to, no matter how hard it was or how much it hurt his pride to do it, and he never complained. but i made mistakes too, and i have admitted to that and we are both still working to make our marraige as good as it can be.

 

i really think you just like to hear yourself talk, and will spout the same nonsense no matter what the OP asks for. I really think you just like to antagonize others and speak of things you seem to know absolutely nothing about. you also seem very, very angry...this is not good for a person. It makes them bitter, cynical and unhappy. If you have had a hard go of things, i'm sorry for that...why not share your experiences and maybe people can learn from them? what do you base your opinions about counseling, etc. on? have you had a negative experience and is this why you are so jaded?

[frozensprouts]

Now I'm getting popcorn AND beer!!!...

 

hee hee hee:laugh:

 

no one told me there was going to be refreshments in this thread...but i don't like beer...can i have a nice vodka cooler instead to go with my popcorn?

[Owl]

Now I'm getting popcorn AND beer!!!...

 

Really not much here to watch. Personally, I know better than to throw bread under bridges...but every once in a while even I get sucked in.

 

As I stated earlier...better to just wait and let the mod handle these issues.

[BetrayedH]

Déjà vu. We're all the way back to six months ago.

 

Stop feeding him and he will die (or get banned and come back).

 

Quick update...only have a minute but wanted to share that I had a good talk with my W last night and good MC this morning. We're both glad to have me home. It's not all sunshine and sunflowers but the dire predictions are not coming true either. We were also able to discuss my time away without avoiding the elephant in the room. It turns out that it's not that she couldn't discuss it but more than she didn't want me to feel that I had to share and had just assumed that I had proceeded. So we had a very open conversation about it. I wasn't prepared for it but I'm glad it happened. It was good not to have to tap dance around it and to be able to honestly discuss it with each other and at MC. We will heal from this.

[Owl]

Déjà vu. We're all the way back to six months ago.

 

Stop feeding him and he will die (or get banned and come back).

 

 

Yep...deja moo. Interesting to note that he continues to respond even when YOU have indicated that you're not interested in his..."support".

 

Quick update...only have a minute but wanted to share that I had a good talk with my W last night and good MC this morning. We're both glad to have me home. It's not all sunshine and sunflowers but the dire predictions are not coming true either. We were also able to discuss my time away without avoiding the elephant in the room. It turns out that it's not that she couldn't discuss it but more than she didn't want me to feel that I had to share and had just assumed that I had proceeded. So we had a very open conversation about it. I wasn't prepared for it but I'm glad it happened. It was good not to have to tap dance around it and to be able to honestly discuss it with each other and at MC. We will heal from this.

 

Not a surprising run, truthfully.

 

Right now, she's relieved that it appears that the two of you may now begin to reconcile.

 

My concern is 2 years from now, or 5. When the "panic" of trying to save the marriage from the damage she's done is over, and she lets herself stop and think about what steps you required to "get over it".

 

That's when the resentment will start to fester. And that is going to be something that you're going to have to be ready to address and cope with.

 

That's the "additional damage" that I'm talking about.

 

Short-term...probably not as much of an issue right now...but later, once things have calmed down and the focus turns from the immediate crisis...that's when the extra work to deal with this will be required.

 

Talk about that with your MC...work out a plan to cope with it.

[frozensprouts]

Déjà vu. We're all the way back to six months ago.

 

Stop feeding him and he will die (or get banned and come back).

 

Quick update...only have a minute but wanted to share that I had a good talk with my W last night and good MC this morning. We're both glad to have me home. It's not all sunshine and sunflowers but the dire predictions are not coming true either. We were also able to discuss my time away without avoiding the elephant in the room. It turns out that it's not that she couldn't discuss it but more than she didn't want me to feel that I had to share and had just assumed that I had proceeded. So we had a very open conversation about it. I wasn't prepared for it but I'm glad it happened. It was good not to have to tap dance around it and to be able to honestly discuss it with each other and at MC. We will heal from this.

 

i'm really happy for you:)... with any luck ( and a lot of hard work) this may just be a whole new beginning for the two of you.

The only thing i agree with quantumweapon on is that it's probably not a good idea to squelch your feelings down so that you don't hurt hers...your feelings need to be adressed...they are very important. It sounds like you two realize this, which is a good sign.

glad that you found a good marriage counselor...somtimes it takes a few tries to find one that is a good "fit"...sounds like you have a good rapport with the counselor you have now...keep at it...it may be hard....it may expose some things about yourselves that you don't like...but that's the first step in making things better...good for you on being brave enough to make the attempt:)

I hope things continue to improve-it will take time, but like the saying goes, slow and steady wins the race

 

( can i go have mhy popcorn now? no vodka cooler though, as my husband's away and it's just me and our kids for a while..I'll have to settle for popcorn and herbal tea...somehow it's just not the same though:laugh:)

[frozensprouts]

Déjà vu. We're all the way back to six months ago.

 

Stop feeding him and he will die (or get banned and come back).

 

 

that doesn't have to be a negative...you can always try and make a bit of money by starting a betting pool on when he will come back and what name he will use:laugh:

[Owl]

I figure < 72s hours, and "HelloKittyAvenger".

[BetrayedH]

Yep...deja moo. Interesting to note that he continues to respond even when YOU have indicated that you're not interested in his..."support".

 

 

 

Not a surprising run, truthfully.

 

Right now, she's relieved that it appears that the two of you may now begin to reconcile.

 

My concern is 2 years from now, or 5. When the "panic" of trying to save the marriage from the damage she's done is over, and she lets herself stop and think about what steps you required to "get over it".

 

That's when the resentment will start to fester. And that is going to be something that you're going to have to be ready to address and cope with.

 

That's the "additional damage" that I'm talking about.

 

Short-term...probably not as much of an issue right now...but later, once things have calmed down and the focus turns from the immediate crisis...that's when the extra work to deal with this will be required.

 

Talk about that with your MC...work out a plan to cope with it.

 

I, too, am more concerned about further down the road. At this point, she's much more concerned about how her actions have caused me to do things that are clearly outside of my character. She's really taken this on herself. I've said that while it may be true that it would not have happened without her affair, I also have to own my own decisions. It's been healthy dialogue. But I am also concerned about what happens when the shock wears off. I went thru the same thing. Blamed myself for her affair and then later experienced the resentment. Trying to get ahead of it. She is still dealing with my dishonesty while I was asking for honesty: the part of my affair that was an affair. That's the betrayal that hurts. I'm working on repairing it.

 

I also need to take a moment to give her some props. When she got home last night, she presented me with a gift. It was the last thing I expected. Before I opened it, she said it was meant as a symbol of how committed she was to our marriage. It was a nice leather bracelet from Tommy Bahama. She said that since it was leather, it was imperfect (much like we are) and would change and weather over time but it would still be a daily reminder of her commitment to me. She said she was glad I was home, more than I would ever know. I don't do it justice here but it was a moving experience. To receive that when I had just arrived home from spending days with the OW. I was just hoping not to be divorced. Boy, what a master manipulator she is, huh? (note: sarcasm intended). Thus, the hydra's words fall on deaf ears. Her affair was straight out of "Not Just Friends" and she's been remorseful as hell. I have no problem if this releases some of her guilt. Good. I love my wife.

[BetrayedH]

that doesn't have to be a negative...you can always try and make a bit of money by starting a betting pool on when he will come back and what name he will use:laugh:

 

The absolute best was, "Lernaean Hydra". I briefly posted in the separation/divorce forum when my wife broke NC and he replied under that username with "I can now say told you so."

 

I must've laughed for a 1/2 hour. It was the most I've laughed about anything since Dday and it was to his credit. Sadly, that username has been banned.

[BetrayedH]

i'm really happy for you:)... with any luck ( and a lot of hard work) this may just be a whole new beginning for the two of you.

The only thing i agree with quantumweapon on is that it's probably not a good idea to squelch your feelings down so that you don't hurt hers...your feelings need to be adressed...they are very important. It sounds like you two realize this, which is a good sign.

glad that you found a good marriage counselor...somtimes it takes a few tries to find one that is a good "fit"...sounds like you have a good rapport with the counselor you have now...keep at it...it may be hard....it may expose some things about yourselves that you don't like...but that's the first step in making things better...good for you on being brave enough to make the attempt:)

I hope things continue to improve-it will take time, but like the saying goes, slow and steady wins the race

 

( can i go have mhy popcorn now? no vodka cooler though, as my husband's away and it's just me and our kids for a while..I'll have to settle for popcorn and herbal tea...somehow it's just not the same though:laugh:)

 

Just wanted to say thanks. Don't disagree with any of the above. Wasn't happy about FrozenSprouts disappointment either.

 

BTW, I don't think one vodka cooler would hurt anything (but I've been known to be a bit liberal about things lately).

[Owl]

The absolute best was, "Lernaean Hydra". I briefly posted in the separation/divorce forum when my wife broke NC and he replied under that username with "I can now say told you so."

 

I must've laughed for a 1/2 hour. It was the most I've laughed about anything since Dday and it was to his credit. Sadly, that username has been banned.

 

I have to take credit for his choice to use that particular name.

 

I'd posted several references to Hercules and his tasks when referring to the hydra...I think I finally moved him to do some research and actually pick an appropriate name.

 

I've been tempted to go back and figure out how many banned usernames are all tied to this particular poster specifically...and then factor in the other 'heads' that also continued to repopulate so often as well.

[BetrayedH]

I have to take credit for his choice to use that particular name.

 

I'd posted several references to Hercules and his tasks when referring to the hydra...I think I finally moved him to do some research and actually pick an appropriate name.

 

I've been tempted to go back and figure out how many banned usernames are all tied to this particular poster specifically...and then factor in the other 'heads' that also continued to repopulate so often as well.

 

I particularly like it when he uses an alias to support exactly what he just said. It's so nice to be in a much more mature place now. He really used to get to me. I'll credit him that the whole "cuckold" thing is what drove me to tell the OMW (which was the second best decision I ever made; the best was to buy the GPS in the first place which I was horribly morally conflicted about when I had no hard evidence of anything - I can't imagine how different life would be if I had never done that - my wife never would have told me and I may have never known - I would have just been mysteriously divorced).

[18Years2Late]

I'll buy the beer, vodka coolers and herbal tea...since the fireworks are free of charge...

[JustJoe]

Betrayed, So she buys you a present, says she's sorry and lets you have a quickie with another woman , and she is the love of your life again? Your really don't see what she is doing? She is playing the music and you are dancing to it. There are three reasons for ALL that she's done. 1. to assuage her guilt (she isn't remorseful at all) 2. to keep control of you 3. to keep her comfortable lifestyle intact. Remember, she would STILL be f88king him if you had not caught her. Is this the kind of life you want? Is she the kind of manipulator you need?

[18Years2Late]

I figure < 72s hours, and "HelloKittyAvenger".

 

I like "MentoredbyOwl"...

[frozensprouts]

I'll buy the beer, vodka coolers and herbal tea...since the fireworks are free of charge...

 

sounds good to me:laugh:

 

got any ideas for the hydras new user name pool? mine would be "livin'inmyparentsbasement", but that's too long:laugh:

 

betrayedh...i am glad to hear the good news...maybe you'll stick around and someday be able to use your experineces to help others( I expect that you sharing your story has probably already helped someone...)

 

now, didn't somebody mention popcorn and varrious libations? 18yearstoolate, I'm looking at you here:laugh:

[BetrayedH]

Sorry, Kidd, I did not mean Nick....long, long day for me. I apologize.

 

BTW, apology accepted. I didn't care for the comparison. Holy Moses. I'm not quite that "slow." I'll let it go this time.