revenge affairs

[BetrayedH]

betrayedh, about being hypervigalant...it's probably a pretty normal self protective mechanism...i think a lot of us who have reconciled have been there ( some still are) and uderstand how you feel.

 

it's one of those things that can improve with time, but one has to be willing to let it get better- ot sounds like you are doing just that

 

my husband cheated with a woman he works with...after the afair ended and he came back from deployment, they were still working together. it was really hard at first, but after a while he showed me that I could trust him again, but that didn't happen overnight.

 

the leather bracelet she gave you sounds nice...it also sounds like she put some thought into it...that's good

 

it very much sounds like the two of you have chosen to reconcile and I, being the big softie that I am, have to say that I like that. may I make a suggestion? Would you consider starting a thread ( if you feel okay sharing) that deals with the process of your reconciliation? I have a feeling it would be very helpful to more than just a few peope out there who are just starting the process as well...

 

I'll consider the new thread but to be honest, I'm looking forward to getting away from focusing on the affair(s). We have a lot of work to do on our marriage that's not associated with the affair and it's been on hold because of my obsession with all this. I've now wasted yet another workday on LS. I'll cut myself a break because I truly value a spirited debate that makes me think during the middle of these situations but I've gleaned what I could from the community and it's time for me to look forward and focus on my wife, kids, home, and job. That's what's really going to improve things and it's all been on hold for long enough.

 

I do return sporadically to chime in on situations that I read and to try to "give back." Just not sure I wanna own another one of these threads. Especially when they always get t/j'd by the antichrist.

 

Anyway, I'm out for today. Good luck to all of you. I'm sure I'll still be around but hopefully less and less as I switch gears from wanting feedback to taking action. You can trust that I'll keep you posted. By the way, thank you.

[despicableME]

It seems like you're really "at peace" now. I guess this was all you needed. Like I said, if it works for you... go with it.

[JustJoe]

Dude, you apparently can't remember what you posted. You mentioned her "wins" three times in one post. She's not trying to win. And you apparently missed the entire point of my response.

And you, apparently missed my point, too. Right now, you aren't "manning up". She , even after a year-long affair is still in control of you and what you think or do. Until you can find the courage to assert yourself, she will always know that you are vulnerable, and she is much, much, more likely to repeat. If you have read anything or been on any infidelity websites, you will find that the WS does almost ALL of the heavy lifting, after an affair. What has she PROVED to you? Nothing. Because, you don't force the issue. My whole issue has been for you to re-assert yourself and re-claim your self image. I am sorry if I've offended you, but I'm trying to help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remember , she will never respect you, if you don't EARN it, by confident, assertive behavior., .

[bentnotbroken]

No problem, Bent. But take off the blinders.

 

 

I like my blinders. I don't have to deal with the life is gray crap.

[anne1707]

Well you cheated on your husband long term, right?

 

So, after you were caught, did you offer him an opportunity to have sex with another woman to even the score, with your knowledge and consent?

 

If not, why not?

 

Can you see the difference in attitude?

 

 

 

Oh please "Quantum" make up your mind whether you are going to attack me or my H. Oh, hang on you alternate between who it suits you most for the point you are desperately trying to make.

 

Earlier this evening you made a dig at him having an affair first, now you are digging at me to see if I "let him" sleep with someone after my affair (which was after his affair by the way).

 

Which makes me think. Does anybody here remember Soap?

 

[anne1707]

It's not a dig at all.

 

It's a very simple question which you haven't answered even though you brought up the point.

 

As a means of reconciliation with your husband after you cheated on him for three years, did you think it would be a good idea to offer him the chance to have a revenge affair on you?

 

I don't think you did, did you? If not, then why do you think it is a good sign that OP's wife did?

 

Okaaaayyyyyyyyy yawwwwnnnnnnn

 

He had an affair before me so technically my affair could be called the revenge affair, not his.

 

And I absolutely never, ever said that it was a good idea that the wife agreed to the OP having an affair. I actually said I thought it was wrong he did this.

 

Can I go back to sleep now? You really are so boring after all these months of trolling LS.

[anne1707]

I don't think you did, did you? If not, then why do you think it is a good sign that OP's wife did?

 

No.

 

Stop distorting the point, please.

 

I didn't ask you to criticize/comment the OP's behavior in having his fling.

 

I asked you to comment on whether you thought it was a good idea for OP's wife to encourage and consent to it. If you'd bothered reading the thread, you'd see he would not have had sex with his OW unless his wife had given her permission.

 

So, answer the question, please, stop evading, and stop distorting, mkay?

 

No. You specifically asked me why I thought it was a good idea that... but I have never said .....

 

"Why do you think..." is very different to "whether you thought..."