My journal on trying to improve my life

[Ariadne]

Happy Birthday Ross!

[Ross MwcFan]

Thanks ladies.

[Cracker Jack]

Happy B-day, Ross!!

[Ross MwcFan]

Happy B-day, Ross!!

 

Thanks.

[Ross MwcFan]

Oh yeah, about a week ago my blood results came in, and my vitamin D levels are fine.

 

As well as traveling to a further destination on my own once a week, my therapist wants me to continue looking into what kinds of jobs I'd enjoy or wouldn't mind doing, what kinds of training there is. What groups there are and to join one, so I'm socialising more, and to drive even further than where I'm driving once a week and to try and do voluntary work at this animal shelter.

 

I'm finding it all too much, I'm anxious, I'm worrying, and I'm feeling pressure all the time. I need to take things one step at a time, so I'll have to tell my therapist this tomorrow.

Edited December 18, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[cerridwen]

Oh yeah, about a week ago my blood results came in, and my vitamin D levels are fine.

 

Yay!!

You're good about getting out into the sun everyday, aren't you?

Keep it up.

[Ross MwcFan]

Yay!!

You're good about getting out into the sun everyday, aren't you?

Keep it up.

 

Yeah, you know the excess vitamin D that your body makes during the summer, stays stored in your body and is released during the winter when there's not as much light.

[Ross MwcFan]

I went to the opticians today for a contact lense check. Luckily these contacts that I'm wearing aren't causing any problems (my older ones were and I was worried that if these ones also cause problems then I'd have to permenently wear glasses).

 

So thank god for that, I can continue wearing contacts and I wont have to permenently wear glasses (I hate how I look in them).

[Ross MwcFan]

Been feeling very depressed and anxious over these last few weeks.

 

I think it's because I know that if I want to avoid still living with my mum when she dies (which I really want to as it would be unbelievably upsetting), that I need to make changes now, like getting a job and getting my own place (since my mum is really old).

 

I'm feeling a lot of pressure to do this stuff, getting a job, and moving out, and it's makig me feel very depressed and anxious.

 

Even trying to do research online on what sort of jobs I'd like doing and what kind of studies I'd need to do in order to get them fills me with frustration, anxiety and depression.

 

Even things like just going to the post office or shops makes me feel quite anxious beforehand, and I just don't feel in the right state of mind for it, and it never used to feel like that about those two things.

 

Changing my medication isn't an option as I've been through so many already and they haven't really been any better, plus my doctors don't like me trying different meds anyway for some reason.

Edited December 30, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[Ross MwcFan]

I've also been wishing I was dead, but I don't want to hurt the people who care about me.

 

Last night while I was in bed I was trying to 'will' myself to die.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm sorry Ross, I have had phases most of my life where I wish I'll die in my sleep because life is such a battle, and depression and anxiety are so hard to deal with it, had it all my life and it wears you down doesn't it.

With regards to work, could you start off with part time voluntary work to ease you in?

If you're on housing benefit how about looking for someone you can lodge with maybe, as a stepping stone to moving out.

Try not to think you have to tackle everything at once, as you will be too overwhelmed and do nothing, break it up into little steps.

Do you have support to help with this?

 

 

 

I've also been wishing I was dead, but I don't want to hurt the people who care about me.

 

Last night while I was in bed I was trying to 'will' myself to die.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm sorry Ross, I have had phases most of my life where I wish I'll die in my sleep because life is such a battle, and depression and anxiety are so hard to deal with it, had it all my life and it wears you down doesn't it.

With regards to work, could you start off with part time voluntary work to ease you in?

If you're on housing benefit how about looking for someone you can lodge with maybe, as a stepping stone to moving out.

Try not to think you have to tackle everything at once, as you will be too overwhelmed and do nothing, break it up into little steps.

Do you have support to help with this?

 

Sorry to hear that HOH, yeah it's been wearing me down for the last few weeks actually, maybe even months.

 

I've thought about voluntary work, but the only thing I can think of that I'd be interested in would be working with animals.

 

The nearest place where I could do this is too far away, I'd have lot of anxiety and fear driving there, I wouldn't know where to park when I got there, and I don't know how to get there either. I mean, I can look at where you're supposed to go on Google Earth, but there's no way I'd be able to remember the directions.

 

Also, on the way there it seems that guys with stop and go signs are an occasional feature, and it just confuses me. I had a really bad incident with one of these guys many months back. And a few weeks ago, on that very same road, they were there again.

 

I don't think I'd feel comfortable with living with someone else, unless it was a partner.

 

I have support in the form of someone who I speak to online, and I was having therapy. But now whenever I ring up the place where I have therapy, to arrange another appointment, no one ever answers the phone. I even left a message on the answer machine but they never got back to me.

Edited January 3, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[Ross MwcFan]

The things that I'm doing to try and improve myself and my life, is that I'm trying to not hold onto negative thoughts for 7 days, but I keep slipping up and having start all over again, I've trying this for around a month now.

 

I'm also reading a book called toxic parents, and I'm going to try and get out a least once a day.

[cerridwen]

 

I was having therapy. But now whenever I ring up the place where I have therapy, to arrange another appointment, no one ever answers the phone. I even left a message on the answer machine but they never got back to me.

 

Why don't you swing by the place, Ross.

It 1) gets you out of the house and 2) gives you a definitive answer as to what's up.

[Ross MwcFan]

Why don't you swing by the place, Ross.

It 1) gets you out of the house and 2) gives you a definitive answer as to what's up.

 

Yeah, that did cross my mind.

 

But it's okay, my therapist just rang up before, so I'll be seeing him next Monday.

Edited January 3, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[ShatteredReality]

How are you doing Ross?? I haven't been on in awhile...been having my own life hit me wave after wave - know what I mean??

 

I am sorry you were having such a rough time...I completely understand and applaud you for reaching out. One of the best things you can do about anxiety is talk about it.

 

On the contacts front...seriously...I just found out last week that I developed an allergy tot he contacts I have been wearing for the past four years. She told me that I need to get rid of them and get some really nice ones (which means $$$). THEN she told me likely I will be permanently in glasses and out of contacts sometime after the next five years!!! I wanted to cry. I hate my glasses. I am stuck in them for now...but I asked her about lasik and she told me I should hurry and go do it like...next month. She said I'd be completely glasses free for up to 15 yrs before needing even reading glasses... Ugh....so...just thought I'd share a less heavy story than the fears of folks dying and depressing sinking in and whatnot...

[Ross MwcFan]

How are you doing Ross?? I haven't been on in awhile...been having my own life hit me wave after wave - know what I mean??

 

Hey, sorry that it's taken me a while to respond.

 

I'm not doing good at all, for many weeks/months I've been feeling very depressed a lot of the time, and in the last couple of days my depression has got even worse. I keep having to retreat to my bed to curl up in it and I'll just lie there for several hours.

 

I'll be seeing the doc tomorrow, but I don't have much hope that he can help me.

 

What do you mean by your life hitting you wave after wave? That several bad things have happened to you?

 

Sorry about that.

 

I am sorry you were having such a rough time...I completely understand and applaud you for reaching out. One of the best things you can do about anxiety is talk about it.

 

Thanks.

 

On the contacts front...seriously...I just found out last week that I developed an allergy tot he contacts I have been wearing for the past four years. She told me that I need to get rid of them and get some really nice ones (which means $$$). THEN she told me likely I will be permanently in glasses and out of contacts sometime after the next five years!!! I wanted to cry. I hate my glasses. I am stuck in them for now...but I asked her about lasik and she told me I should hurry and go do it like...next month. She said I'd be completely glasses free for up to 15 yrs before needing even reading glasses... Ugh....so...just thought I'd share a less heavy story than the fears of folks dying and depressing sinking in and whatnot...

 

Sorry about that. I had to move to more expensive contacts myself which are disposable and let more oxygen in, they cost me around £46 (around $92) every 3 months, because the others were causing problems.

 

Are you going to go for laser surgery? Sounds like a good idea.

Edited January 12, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[ShatteredReality]

Hey, sorry that it's taken me a while to respond.

 

No worries - you don't live your life to respond to me!

 

I'm not doing good at all, for many weeks/months I've been feeling very depressed a lot of the time, and in the last couple of days my depression has got even worse. I keep having to retreat to my bed to curl up in it and I'll just lie there for several hours.

 

That's awful, I am so sorry. I can't honestly give a ton of advice here as the only times I suffered from depression were after each child...the first time I thought I was going nuts and just hid it from everyone, buried deep inside, took a ton of extra showers and just cried my heart out in the shower each and every time. I still use the shower for my crying time. No one can tell I've cried and if I make noise no one generally hears me...and somehow the water is soothing. But you have my sympathies...and vent on here if you can and know you'll have hearing ears on the other end.

 

 

What do you mean by your life hitting you wave after wave? That several bad things have happened to you?

 

Yeah, it's been a rough few weeks. I think we'll be losing our house. The eye surgery will seal that deal...but at the same time - they told me glasses would degrade my vision if I stay in them permanently. So ultimately the laser surgery sounds like the best option. I will make a consult appt soon. My husband has been struggling with his depression/anxiety a lot lately, but he's been regression back into some old problems we used to have. Problems that I told him 3yrs ago I wouldn't tolerate again. It's beyond just his depression/anxiety. If that were all it was I would try to work with him - and I have been reaching out to him over the past few weeks, trying to discuss the issues we're experiencing and problem solve them. He will listen and agree and we'll have a solution or method planned to work it out and he'll stick to it really well for a few days or even a week but then regress again. So ultimately...well I don't mean to sound selfish because I know he's in pain too, but I am reaching my limits. He has seen me searching the ads for homes - not sure it's clicked yet that I am searching within my own means, not including a potential for him bringing any income to the table, and searching for just enough space for myself and for the boys. I am not being secretive at all, I just think he's planting himself in the land of denial...despite my pointedly honest conversations with him.

 

My sister is about to have a baby - #5 for her. Her husband has been out of work for a couple of years now and is finally in school - though I don't know if he'll finish. I don't have a ton of respect for him - but who we marry is our choice so I respect her decision and treat him as though he's my favorite brother in law...lol....not in a fake way, but I'm nice. So I worry because I don't feel they can afford another baby, but what can you do? So I am mixed - excited for my new niece, scared....oh and they have extremely different parenting styles than I do - so sometimes I prefer not to know what's going on over there.

 

Anyhow...sorry, I don't mean on unload...but yeah, by wave after wave it's just one thing after another. Oh, and at work I have been training two new people...ANYWAYS - onward and upward right?

 

 

Sorry about that. I had to move to more expensive contacts myself which are disposable and let more oxygen in, they cost me around £46 (around $92) every 3 months, because the others were causing problems.

 

Are you going to go for laser surgery? Sounds like a good idea.

 

Yeah, over all I have researched it and the surgery will save me a ton. It will save in long run costs, plus I'll have around 10-15yrs completely glasses free potentially before even needing reading glasses. Honestly, even if I need reading glasses right away I am ok with that. Have you considered it for yourself? If not - is it a fear thing?? Cause I have been looking into it for awhile now...some days I fear it greatly, others I feel like I can totally tackle it. Most places here give a valium before the visit - which I'll totally need day of - but I have read so many positive reviews. More than 97% of the folks who get it say it was more than worth it....

[Ross MwcFan]

That's awful, I am so sorry. I can't honestly give a ton of advice here as the only times I suffered from depression were after each child...the first time I thought I was going nuts and just hid it from everyone, buried deep inside, took a ton of extra showers and just cried my heart out in the shower each and every time. I still use the shower for my crying time. No one can tell I've cried and if I make noise no one generally hears me...and somehow the water is soothing. But you have my sympathies...and vent on here if you can and know you'll have hearing ears on the other end.

 

Thanks SR, that means a lot. Hey, using the shower sounds like a good idea for crying time. Personally though I just cry anywhere, even when I'm driving. But I wont cry in public.

 

Yeah, it's been a rough few weeks. I think we'll be losing our house. The eye surgery will seal that deal...but at the same time - they told me glasses would degrade my vision if I stay in them permanently.

 

Weird, I've never heard of that before. I sure hope my glasses don't degrade my vision.

 

So ultimately the laser surgery sounds like the best option. I will make a consult appt soon. My husband has been struggling with his depression/anxiety a lot lately, but he's been regression back into some old problems we used to have. Problems that I told him 3yrs ago I wouldn't tolerate again. It's beyond just his depression/anxiety. If that were all it was I would try to work with him - and I have been reaching out to him over the past few weeks, trying to discuss the issues we're experiencing and problem solve them. He will listen and agree and we'll have a solution or method planned to work it out and he'll stick to it really well for a few days or even a week but then regress again. So ultimately...well I don't mean to sound selfish because I know he's in pain too, but I am reaching my limits. He has seen me searching the ads for homes - not sure it's clicked yet that I am searching within my own means, not including a potential for him bringing any income to the table, and searching for just enough space for myself and for the boys. I am not being secretive at all, I just think he's planting himself in the land of denial...despite my pointedly honest conversations with him.

 

 

So you don't have any plans for him to come with you into your new home?

 

My sister is about to have a baby - #5 for her. Her husband has been out of work for a couple of years now and is finally in school - though I don't know if he'll finish. I don't have a ton of respect for him - but who we marry is our choice so I respect her decision and treat him as though he's my favorite brother in law...lol....not in a fake way, but I'm nice. So I worry because I don't feel they can afford another baby, but what can you do? So I am mixed - excited for my new niece, scared....oh and they have extremely different parenting styles than I do - so sometimes I prefer not to know what's going on over there.

 

Anyhow...sorry, I don't mean on unload...but yeah, by wave after wave it's just one thing after another. Oh, and at work I have been training two new people...ANYWAYS - onward and upward right?

 

Hey don't worry about unloading. I know I have my own problems but I'm happy to listen to others and try and help if they're feeling bad too.

 

Yeah, over all I have researched it and the surgery will save me a ton. It will save in long run costs, plus I'll have around 10-15yrs completely glasses free potentially before even needing reading glasses. Honestly, even if I need reading glasses right away I am ok with that. Have you considered it for yourself? If not - is it a fear thing?? Cause I have been looking into it for awhile now...some days I fear it greatly, others I feel like I can totally tackle it. Most places here give a valium before the visit - which I'll totally need day of - but I have read so many positive reviews. More than 97% of the folks who get it say it was more than worth it....

 

Hmmm. I mean you're right, it would save me, you, or anyone else money in the long run. And there's the fact that I wouldn't have to mess around with putting my contacts in everyday and having to clean them.

 

But, yes, I'm kinda scared of it, although not enough to stop me from doing it. The reason why I can't really do it, is because it costs so much money, it would really take a big chunk of money out of my bank account, the money that I have in the bank is important for running my car.

Edited January 13, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[Ross MwcFan]

So I went to the docs today, I told him about my depression getting even worse, and how I've been retreating to my bed.

 

He didn't offer to change my medication, but he recommended that I go to this particular group.

 

He said something like, as well as the therapy, I need practical support, or something. I can't quite remember exactly what he said, but I would've thought that the therapy would've been supportive.

 

The problem is is that I feel quite uncomfortable with going, as it's in a church, and I'm worried that this group thing or whatever might be church related. I don't exactly agree with religion, and I kinda feel a bit stupid going there, as going to a church or being religious is considered as really dorky in the UK, and I dress and look nothing like a typical 'church goer' or religious person (at least how they look over here in the UK), so I'll feel pretty self concious when I'm in there.

 

But, I think I'll still give it a go.

Edited January 13, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[HeavenOrHell]

I'd find out first if it's linked to religion or not, I wouldn't want to go either if it was. Church halls do hire halls out for non religious things too though, like yoga and crafts groups etc.

 

 

 

So I went to the docs today, I told him about my depression getting even worse, and how I've been retreating to my bed.

 

He didn't offer to change my medication, but he recommended that I go to this particular group.

 

He said something like, as well as the therapy, I need practical support, or something. I can't quite remember exactly what he said, but I would've thought that the therapy would've been supportive.

 

The problem is is that I feel quite uncomfortable with going, as it's in a church, and I'm worried that this group thing or whatever might be church related. I don't exactly agree with religion, and I kinda feel a bit stupid going there, as going to a church or being religious is considered as really dorky in the UK, and I dress and look nothing like a typical 'church goer' or religious person (at least how they look over here in the UK), so I'll feel pretty self concious when I'm in there.

 

But, I think I'll still give it a go.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'd find out first if it's linked to religion or not, I wouldn't want to go either if it was. Church halls do hire halls out for non religious things too though, like yoga and crafts groups etc.

 

Even if it is linked to religion, it may still be best that I go, since if I go back to the docs and say that I didn't go, he may be relunctant to suggest something else and may even be a bit annoyed, because to him it's probably going to look like I'm not even trying to help myself.

 

I don't have to go there permenantly, I could just go there 2 or 3 times, and then if it's not for me or if I'm finding that I'm not benefitting from it, I could just stop going, and I think my doc would be a lot more understanding.

 

Still, I really really hope it's not some religious group, I would feel so so uncomfortable being there if it is, especially when it feels like I've got no choice but to be there.

Edited January 14, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[FitChick]

It's quite possible that taking antidepressants is making you more depressed. That is a common side effect. You'd be better off trying the Lefkoe Method free sample first. I used to be very depressed and that was the only thing that helped. Therapists use the Method to treat their own depression. Why become dependent on drugs if you don't have to?

[HeavenOrHell]

I see what you're saying, but that doesn't mean you should go to things which aren't right for you, it's different to not doing things purely because you're too nervous to do them.

I'd have asked my doc at the time whether it was a religious thing if he'd told me it was in a church, but I know it's easy to forget to ask stuff when you're there, I've done that before.

If you go and it's not for you, you DO have a choice whether to stay or not, no-one's going to force you to stay there.

 

 

 

Even if it is linked to religion, it may still be best that I go, since if I go back to the docs and say that I didn't go, he may be relunctant to suggest something else and may even be a bit annoyed, because to him it's probably going to look like I'm not even trying to help myself.

 

I don't have to go there permenantly, I could just go there 2 or 3 times, and then if it's not for me or if I'm finding that I'm not benefitting from it, I could just stop going, and I think my doc would be a lot more understanding.

 

Still, I really really hope it's not some religious group, I would feel so so uncomfortable being there if it is, especially when it feels like I've got no choice but to be there.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm starting to really dread the thought of going to this group thing, and even the thought of ringing the place up.

 

I'm really considering not going, I really don't think I can face it. I'm just feeling worried and down about it all the time.

 

My doc said something like 'You're getting support from therapy, and that going to this group would give you pratical support.' I'm not really sure what pratical support means.

 

I don't know what to do.