My journal on trying to improve my life

[betterdeal]

Interesting what you had to say about being attractive and the thought of that making you feel anxious. I used to call that "fear of success" and can relate.

 

You know what? It's just fear.

 

Embrace your fear, anger, hurt, happiness, boredom, bliss, wonder, all the feelings you have. They're yours. They make you real. Maybe you don't fancy a woman right now and you're afraid of having to reject someone. Have you thought of that? That, actually, you're the one who isn't attracted to anyone at the moment.

 

But isn't that liberating? You're not into anyone at the moment. Just happy being you. And being happy being you doesn't mean being happy all the time. It's being happy with your own conduct, where you have got to, where you are going. This is your process, your story, your life. Embrace it.

 

Keep on keeping on, bro

[Ross MwcFan]

I broke down and cried last night.

[denise_xo]

I broke down and cried last night.

 

Oh, Ross *big, warm hug* It's OK to break down once in a while but please don't give up. We're cheering for you

[wuggle]

Felt very depressed today, found it hard to get out of bed. But for some reason now that I've been out (not out of bed, I mean outside), I feel quite better, more positive, and more confident.

 

I think all 'northerners' need a good walk to clear thier head.

 

I just wish my life didn't have to be a constant battle.

 

Tough. I think growing is supposed to be tough. And you are growing.

[cerridwen]

I broke down and cried last night.

 

((((Ross))))

 

Hope the cry did some good, if only to purge the bad feelings.

Big breath.

Exhale.

Chin up.

Smile.

This too shall pass.

Pulling for you.

[ShatteredReality]

I broke down and cried last night.

 

It's more healthy to let it out than to keep it in. I am the worst worst worst at taking this advice. Until about 3 yrs ago I could count on one hand how many times I cried in the last decade. I have begun to try to let it out more...still acclimating to it...but it helps. A lot. You're stronger for being able to do that. So...rather than say it like that - broke down - say let it out. I hope hope hope you felt better after and allowed yourself to feel it.

 

Being outside should help. I don't know what the weather is like where you are - vitamin D can help a lot too. My friend has been on antidepressants forever and her MD put her on D - kinda a high dose - like 5000 IUs or something like that per day. She's nearly off her antidepressants now - it's actually helped a great deal. She still needs her anxiety meds and all...but hey...any little bit helps right??

[cerridwen]

It's more healthy to let it out than to keep it in. I am the worst worst worst at taking this advice. Until about 3 yrs ago I could count on one hand how many times I cried in the last decade. I have begun to try to let it out more...still acclimating to it...but it helps. A lot. You're stronger for being able to do that. So...rather than say it like that - broke down - say let it out. I hope hope hope you felt better after and allowed yourself to feel it.

 

Being outside should help. I don't know what the weather is like where you are - vitamin D can help a lot too. My friend has been on antidepressants forever and her MD put her on D - kinda a high dose - like 5000 IUs or something like that per day. She's nearly off her antidepressants now - it's actually helped a great deal. She still needs her anxiety meds and all...but hey...any little bit helps right??

 

Good advice, SR.

Despite being outside a lot, I was extremely low in Vitamin D.

My doctor advised 20,000 IUs once a week.

It helped clear up some brain fog and bolstered my mood.

 

Consider asking your doc to check your Vitamin D level, Rossie.

And, as Wuggle suggested, a walk in the sun may do you some good in the meantime.

[Star Gazer]

I broke down and cried last night.

 

Oh Ross, don't be sad.

 

I get dirty looks and get flipped off while driving all the time. Happens to the best of us.

[cerridwen]

Oh Ross, don't be sad.

I get dirty looks and get flipped off while driving all the time. Happens to the best of us.

 

You crack me up.

[thatone]

Oh Ross, don't be sad.

 

I get dirty looks and get flipped off while driving all the time. Happens to the best of us.

 

anxiously awaiting your "i went to driver's ed" self improvement thread.

[Ross MwcFan]

Thanks guys I really appreciate it.

[Ross MwcFan]

It sounds you live in a terrible area!!

 

My parents moved a couple years ago and they said the people where they live now are infinitely better than here. Obviously I feel completely abandoned...I mean c'mon - I only moved here cause they dragged me here in my teen years. I have felt forEVER that this area is rather hostile. There are some parts of the city I am close to where I cannot go alone...and it's unfortunate....Also, the drivers here? Wow....so so bad. The car insurance rates here are 3x's more than where I used to live. They're at least double or more than where my parents live right now. And the cost of living is entirely too high....ok seriously...don't get me started on living in bad areas. You should consider moving. Everyone I've known who has left this area has flourished. You might find a similar situation where you live. You can research that. I get the impression you're not in the states, so the normal sites I'd send you to for that wouldn't apply. Hmm...try www.findyourspot.com - I think they do things worldwide. At the least it'll give you ideas on what other areas hold - even if you never move to one of them.

 

My cousin moved to New Zealand...if I could afford to fly back for visits frequently I believe I'd consider going there. He LOVES it...after he moved there his marriage completely fell apart, but he says it has nothing to do with where they live and he doesn't regret moving. He comes to visit once a year now...

 

Ok...so your jawbreaker story made me remember another story. See what I meant about chatty girls? I told you. Now I am proving it

 

So about 11 yrs ago...wow...yeah it'll be 11 yrs on 10/31. I was visiting my old hometown for a week. I was in the car with my sister, her husband, and sitting in the back with two of my better friends from the area. We rushed to the store to buy some candy because my sisters ex was going to bring her son to the house in his costume and she realized she didn't have anything to give him. On the way back we tore into the bags and each had a little...mini snickers and such...well we rounded the corner and entered her neighborhood and there was this Schwan truck a few houses down. They're a company that delivered high priced high quality foods - they drive box trucks and do mostly afternoon/evening deliveries. We all felt so bad that this man was working this late, having to dodge the trick or treaters and not actually having candy for himself...so I told my friend we should give him some candy. Here's where that simple and nice idea went bad. My buddy was a pitcher in highschool...so he got elected to gently lob the candy into the cab of the truck while we called out "here ya go!" But he didn't....he chucked it harder than he meant to and nailed the guy in the face!!! We heard it hit. We heard him grunt. We all felt AWFUL! Then (yes there's more - hope you set aside an hour strictly for my wonderful posts) He flips the truck around and starts to chase us!! We were flying through a residential area at 7pm on Halloween with a Schwan man chasing us down! Well we lost him eventually...but here I am 11yrs later still recalling exactly nearly every detail of that evening. Ok...so usually now we find it funny...but at the time we all felt really bad...and honestly, if I'd had a way to contact the guy later (when he didn't want to kill me so much) I'd have apologized...

 

The kids who threw the jawbreaker at you were jerks. Not defending them. It just reminded me of that. K. Hope you have a better day today!

 

Thanks for the link.

 

Funny how the guy thought you guys were being horrible to him, when it was actually the opposite.

 

I would love to move away from this area, as I'm sure this enviroment isn't doing me any good.

 

I've just got no idea about how to go about doing it though.

 

Interesting what you had to say about being attractive and the thought of that making you feel anxious. I used to call that "fear of success" and can relate.

 

You know what? It's just fear.

 

Embrace your fear, anger, hurt, happiness, boredom, bliss, wonder, all the feelings you have. They're yours. They make you real. Maybe you don't fancy a woman right now and you're afraid of having to reject someone. Have you thought of that? That, actually, you're the one who isn't attracted to anyone at the moment.

 

But isn't that liberating? You're not into anyone at the moment. Just happy being you. And being happy being you doesn't mean being happy all the time. It's being happy with your own conduct, where you have got to, where you are going. This is your process, your story, your life. Embrace it.

 

Keep on keeping on, bro

 

I'll try and embrace those things, thanks.

 

Oh, Ross *big, warm hug* It's OK to break down once in a while but please don't give up. We're cheering for you

 

Thanks Denise, that's very kind of you.

 

Tough. I think growing is supposed to be tough. And you are growing.

 

Yeah I think if I just persevere, that maybe I'll grow from this, and toughen up more, and I'll just be able to cope with things like veryone else does.

 

((((Ross))))

 

Hope the cry did some good, if only to purge the bad feelings.

Big breath.

Exhale.

Chin up.

Smile.

This too shall pass.

Pulling for you.

 

Thanks babe. Hopefully it will do.

 

It's more healthy to let it out than to keep it in. I am the worst worst worst at taking this advice. Until about 3 yrs ago I could count on one hand how many times I cried in the last decade. I have begun to try to let it out more...still acclimating to it...but it helps. A lot. You're stronger for being able to do that. So...rather than say it like that - broke down - say let it out. I hope hope hope you felt better after and allowed yourself to feel it.

 

Being outside should help. I don't know what the weather is like where you are - vitamin D can help a lot too. My friend has been on antidepressants forever and her MD put her on D - kinda a high dose - like 5000 IUs or something like that per day. She's nearly off her antidepressants now - it's actually helped a great deal. She still needs her anxiety meds and all...but hey...any little bit helps right??

 

Yeah, I've always found it very hard to cry for some reason. But when I cried that night, it helped me feel quite a lot better.

 

I'll definatley look into the vitamin D thing.

 

Oh Ross, don't be sad.

 

I get dirty looks and get flipped off while driving all the time. Happens to the best of us.

 

I do totally need to keep that in mind, because I am prone to thinking that it's just me.

Edited October 23, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[Ross MwcFan]

I really want to get a job that I'd enjoy doing, and to have my own place in an area that I feel comfortable in, but I really don't know where to start.

 

I did try looking on a careers advice website to see if there were any courses near me to do with animals, but there aren't any.

 

I'm going to study the site further and see if there are any other kinds of jobs that I'd enjoy doing.

[Ross MwcFan]

We don't have IU's over here, vitamin D is measured in MG. I've tried looking up on Google what 5000 or 20,000 IU's would be in MG's, but I can't find any answers.

[denise_xo]

We don't have IU's over here, vitamin D is measured in MG. I've tried looking up on Google what 5000 or 20,000 IU's would be in MG's, but I can't find any answers.

 

Maybe you can just go to Boots and say you want some vitamin D pills with a high dosage? They might know the conversation rate, too.

[betterdeal]

Breakfast cereals are fortified with Vitamin D so eat a bowl of Weetabix / Crunchie Nut / insert favourite cereal here every day. I also take 1 Seven Seas pure cod liver oil + multivitamins all in one (get them in Boots / supermarkets / Superdrug) and they have 100% of RDA for Vitamin D. Cod liver oil has lots of Omega 3 which is good for your joints. Malt extract and cod liver oil is good too (used to love that as a kid)

 

But a short walk is also good for you. Sunshine affects the pituitary gland and melatonin production by some process I can't remember right now, but basically helps with getting your sleep cycle in order.

 

Where do you live? If you're in the West you're more likely to suffer from depression because of the cloud cover and rain. East Anglia is the driest region and I notice it a lot. Regards the job thing, maybe you need to take a less direct approach - such as taking a job that you can do now to get yourself on your feet financially, then moving, then refocusing on the animal work / volunteering. Have that as a long term goal. And also consider moving into a shared house if finances are tight. Lots of people in the 20-30s do it and it can be a rewarding experience, as well as being much cheaper than living alone.

[Ross MwcFan]

I know I shouldn't be thinking this far ahead, but I can't help but worry about a certain scenario. I have my own place, but end up losing my job, I don't have enough savings to pay the rent, and I end up getting evicted and all my furniture and belongings dumped outside.

 

What would I do then? I wouldn't be able to carry everything with me, so most of the things would just have to be left there, and eventually they'd get stolen and/or ruined from the rain.

 

How would I avoid that scenario? How do most other people get to avoid it?

[Ross MwcFan]

Breakfast cereals are fortified with Vitamin D so eat a bowl of Weetabix / Crunchie Nut / insert favourite cereal here every day. I also take 1 Seven Seas pure cod liver oil + multivitamins all in one (get them in Boots / supermarkets / Superdrug) and they have 100% of RDA for Vitamin D. Cod liver oil has lots of Omega 3 which is good for your joints. Malt extract and cod liver oil is good too (used to love that as a kid)

 

But a short walk is also good for you. Sunshine affects the pituitary gland and melatonin production by some process I can't remember right now, but basically helps with getting your sleep cycle in order.

 

Where do you live? If you're in the West you're more likely to suffer from depression because of the cloud cover and rain. East Anglia is the driest region and I notice it a lot. Regards the job thing, maybe you need to take a less direct approach - such as taking a job that you can do now to get yourself on your feet financially, then moving, then refocusing on the animal work / volunteering. Have that as a long term goal. And also consider moving into a shared house if finances are tight. Lots of people in the 20-30s do it and it can be a rewarding experience, as well as being much cheaper than living alone.

 

I live in the North West.

 

I'm thinking maybe it might be best for me to just move to somewhere where I'd feel a lot more happy first.

 

I'd like to move to Oldham. As I grew up near there, and I have lots of memories of being in the town centre.

 

I have been looking at the cheapest places to rent that are near to the town centre, and some of them don't seem too bad at all. Not sure if I'd be able to afford them yet though.

 

There's a chance that I may still get a job first, before moving, just to make sure I can have enough savings for when I do get my own place, to be on the safe side just in case I did lose my job when I've got my own place.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[ShatteredReality]

Ok I looked up the IU conversion. Wow was that tricky. I didn't realize IU stands for International Unit....would think that meant International...but oh well

 

Found this....

"Vitamin D3 amounts are most often referred to in iu (international units) though sometimes referred to in mg. 1 mg of vitamin D3 is equal to 40,000 iu (1 mcg of D3 is equal to 40 iu) . . . so then . . . each 5,000 iu capsule of Dmax is equal to 0.125 mg (125 mcg) of vitamin D3."

 

Then I found this

Conversion Chart

 

Hope that helps. From the research I have done it's not medically advisable to go over 10,000 IUs per day...but D leaves through your stored fat cells, so taking higher doses less frequently don't seem to be a problem. My friend takes it daily, however, to make sure she maintains certain levels to help with the depression.

 

I say if you have a career path in mind and an area you like, see if there are any jobs you may qualify for that would help you through the schooling process...it might seem like starting at the bottom...When I was considering becoming an ultrasonographer (good pay and good hours) I was going to start out as a radiology tech assistant. No degree needed, obviously lower pay, but then they would have helped me through school. I opted not to go that route, though, because there was no school locally...I'd have to move once I was half way through my courses - or put my name on the 5year waiting list for the school closest. Blech. So research that also!

[antinko]

I know I shouldn't be thinking this far ahead, but I can't help but worry about a certain scenario. I have my own place, but end up losing my job, I don't have enough savings to pay the rent, and I end up getting evicted and all my furniture and belongings dumped outside.

 

What would I do then? I wouldn't be able to carry everything with me, so most of the things would just have to be left there, and eventually they'd get stolen and/or ruined from the rain.

 

How would I avoid that scenario? How do most other people get to avoid it?

 

It's unlikely to be that extreme firstly. Secondly, the fact is that life's challenges and 'the battle' are what help to define us and make us stronger.

 

Life is scary. I've been scared a lot during various stages of my life, but the fear I experienced was nothing in comparison to what some others probably feel in theirs.

 

The fact is that, while life is tough and we all make mistakes, it isn't the 'making of the mistake' or 'failing' which are the problems: it's how we view and deal with them and we can only learn how to shape the way we do those things by actually getting stuck in...and being scared.

 

I used to hate the idea of 'failure', but experience has taught me to regard 'failure' as an opportunity to learn. I might not get things right the second or third time round, but providing that I feel I'm making some progress, or at least trying to, then I'm not going to beat myself up too much about it. It's easier said than done, but it does work.

[Ross MwcFan]

Ok I looked up the IU conversion. Wow was that tricky. I didn't realize IU stands for International Unit....would think that meant International...but oh well

 

Found this....

"Vitamin D3 amounts are most often referred to in iu (international units) though sometimes referred to in mg. 1 mg of vitamin D3 is equal to 40,000 iu (1 mcg of D3 is equal to 40 iu) . . . so then . . . each 5,000 iu capsule of Dmax is equal to 0.125 mg (125 mcg) of vitamin D3."

 

Then I found this

Conversion Chart

 

Hope that helps. From the research I have done it's not medically advisable to go over 10,000 IUs per day...but D leaves through your stored fat cells, so taking higher doses less frequently don't seem to be a problem. My friend takes it daily, however, to make sure she maintains certain levels to help with the depression.

 

I say if you have a career path in mind and an area you like, see if there are any jobs you may qualify for that would help you through the schooling process...it might seem like starting at the bottom...When I was considering becoming an ultrasonographer (good pay and good hours) I was going to start out as a radiology tech assistant. No degree needed, obviously lower pay, but then they would have helped me through school. I opted not to go that route, though, because there was no school locally...I'd have to move once I was half way through my courses - or put my name on the 5year waiting list for the school closest. Blech. So research that also!

 

Thanks.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm going to contact a certain place tomorrow, it's somewhere where I'd be able to go to to talk to someone about my problems/get support.

 

I've been looking into moving out more, I have tried to make a budget, and it seems that I may be able to afford to rent a place for £325 a month (anything less is really crappy), along with paying my food bills, utility bills, and the cost of running my car, if I was on minimum wage.

 

It's hard to tell how much money I'd have left over each week, because I've got no idea whether the utility bills would be around £30 or £80 a month (a lot of people say they pay around £30, but when I looked at the bill that my mum pays it's £80 a month).

 

So, I think if I were to rent a place for £325, the money I'd have left over to spend on what I wanted, would be anything from £10 - £40 a week.

 

To be honest for all I know, maybe my estimations are completely inaccurate.

Edited October 30, 2011 by Ross MwcFan

[Ross MwcFan]

I've also looked into housing benefit, to see what I may be entitled too. But too be honest, I'm finding a lot of it hard to understand.

 

I clicked on the benefits adviser, which is a form you can fill out online to see what you may be entitled too, but it seems like the form is for people who are already renting.

 

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Diol1/DoItOnline/DoItOnlineByCategory/DG_172666

 

So, I don't understand, why isn't there a form for people to fill out who haven't moved into the place that they want to rent yet?

[Ross MwcFan]

I went onto the housing benefit website to see what kind of help for paying the rent or bills that I may be entitled to, but I'm finding it hard to understand a lot of the things that are being said on the site.

 

I tried filling in a form called a benefits advisor, to find out what I may be enitiled to, but it seems that the form is for people who are already living in the place that they'd like to get the benefits for.

 

https://www.dwpe-services.direct.gov.uk/portal/page/portal/ba/lp

 

There doesn't seem to be a form for people who haven't moved into the place yet that they'd like to get benefit for.

 

So what on Earth am I supposed to do?

[Ross MwcFan]

Also, on the form it's asking if I have to pay council tax.

 

Would have to pay council tax if I was renting somewhere?