After the affair are "normal relationships boring?

[hoping2heal]

Double wrong in my case. My MM was happily married when we reconnected, and I don't fancy marriage, not to him, not to anyone.

 

So, your MM was happily married yet he had been sex starved for years? You can't answer these questions for him but you should start asking them of him. This really doesn't add up. He may of been at a place of acceptance but I don't see how anyone is ever actually happily married when their needs are not being met whether that is sexually or emotionally or the like.

 

Obviously you meet the needs that he claims were not being met in his marriage and he needed to go elsewhere to do it. Again, not really indicative of "happily married".

[Summer Breeze]

Maybe she is still in denial about being lied to and spark's ws painted a inaccurate picture of what their marriage was and who spark is. Maybe she still views spark as that evil bs.

 

She doesn't trust that Spark would tell her the truth.

 

Maybe it just doesn't matter to her anymore. Talk about villifying someone. I know Sparks OW was a piece of work but the conversation here is very generic and you're all working your hardest to make sure an OW can't just get on with life and should be all cut up about what's gone on. How many of us had BFs 2 and a half years ago and even care how often they have sex? Why would you even expect someone to ask questions.

[Summer Breeze]

So, your MM was happily married yet he had been sex starved for years? You can't answer these questions for him but you should start asking them of him. This really doesn't add up. He may of been at a place of acceptance but I don't see how anyone is ever actually happily married when their needs are not being met whether that is sexually or emotionally or the like.

 

Obviously you meet the needs that he claims were not being met in his marriage and he needed to go elsewhere to do it. Again, not really indicative of "happily married".

 

Talk to BNB it evidently works over where she's standing.

[BB07]

Maybe it just doesn't matter to her anymore. Talk about villifying someone. I know Sparks OW was a piece of work but the conversation here is very generic and you're all working your hardest to make sure an OW can't just get on with life and should be all cut up about what's gone on. How many of us had BFs 2 and a half years ago and even care how often they have sex? Why would you even expect someone to ask questions.

 

Whoa........I was just throwing out some possibilities.

I don't get why you have to cut what I said down, just because you don't agree with it. Maybe you are being a bit oversensitive?

 

FYI..........I hope for her sake that she has moved on and it doesn't matter one whit to her now and that is the reason she refused to inquire and yes I intend on being on that side of the fence.............the sooner the better and yes I am getting there.

[hoping2heal]

Talk to BNB it evidently works over where she's standing.

 

There are some people who have decided that if the sex aspect doesn't work but everything else is great? That they are happy and it doesn't matter because to them, the sex isn't all that important. However, if a man has to go outside of his marriage and betray his wife and kids just to get those needs met, do you think he falls in that category of people who can one off the fact that the sex life is down the toilet?

 

I don't think so Tim

[Hazyhead]

I really shouldn't jump straight to the last page to try to figure out a thread!

:confused::confused:

[Summer Breeze]

There are some people who have decided that if the sex aspect doesn't work but everything else is great? That they are happy and it doesn't matter because to them, the sex isn't all that important. However, if a man has to go outside of his marriage and betray his wife and kids just to get those needs met, do you think he falls in that category of people who can one off the fact that the sex life is down the toilet?

 

I don't think so Tim

 

Not sure exactly what you're saying and I don't know if you're saying whether or not I condone cheating. So I'll assume what I think you mean. Repeating-sex or whatever physicality can be achieved by a couple is as important as any other aspect of the relationship. I am not condoning going outside the marriage but when you look at forums and listen to people talk there is a whole lot more conversation about problems stemming from lack of sex than some of the other things in an R.

 

Nuff said cause I can't say it any clearer than that again. If I've misunderstood you (which I think I have) just say and I'll do my best!

[jlola]

i once picked up my oldest sister's phone while she was in the shower. It was the girlfriend of a doctor she had just started dating(between husbands). I know she did not know this guy had a girlfriend(I am giving her the benefit of the doubt here).

 

I got an earful from this woman before I told her she had the wrong person. I then went to tell mysister she needed to get out of the shower because Dr. X's "girlfriend' wanted to speak with her. She shut down and would not answer the phone.

 

I took the girl's number and told her she would give a call later. My sister refused to call. Any woman would have wanted to know what the hell was going on. How long had he been dating this woman. What is their situation ect. But my sister shut down. She never called the woman. But continued to date him. He kept lying to her. You would think she would want both sides of the story.

 

Well, Doc eventually dumped her and she went to his house once to get answers. Girlfriend was there and my sister was so pathetic girlfriend actually felt sorry for her and drove her home,since she felt my sister was in no condition to drive.

 

For about a month after break-up my sister layed in bed and refused to go to work. I had to call in all the time for her to make sure she kept her job at the hospital she was worked at. She drank all day (and she is not a drinker).I had to keep all her medication in my purse because I was afarid of what she would do.

 

I honestly think she did not want to know what the girlfriend had to say. Preferring to believe whatever her boyfriend was telling her.

 

I always thought it odd. Perhaps because I like to solve mysteries I just need to know. Like I wanted to know what the hell happened between Scott Peterson and Amber Frye. Not my business, but curious at what steps happened to finally make him do what he did. What lies did he tell her? what lies did he tell Lacy?People read those crazy supermarket magazines to find out what is called "gossip". What was Jessy James doing behind Sandra Bullock's back? How did Tiger Woods get away with this for so long?

 

When people have that curiosity towards strangers, you would think they would want to know the behind the scenes of what was going on in their lives.

[Summer Breeze]

Whoa........I was just throwing out some possibilities.

I don't get why you have to cut what I said down, just because you don't agree with it. Maybe you are being a bit oversensitive?

Well maybe it seemed like the possibilities being thrown out were all a bit harsh and derogatory. I actually agree with what you said it's just that the way it was worded came across a bit too harsh. I apologize if that was me interpreting it that way rather than you saying it that way.

 

FYI..........I hope for her sake that she has moved on and it doesn't matter one whit to her now and that is the reason she refused to inquire and yes I intend on being on that side of the fence.............the sooner the better and yes I am getting there. You're someone some of these young struggling OW should be looking up to and learning from. They won't ever let you live their mistake for them but hopefully they'll take your wisdom when they need it. You've always been one of my faves in here and from an outsider-you'll get there.

 

In bold and yet again just to lengthen this for the purpose of posting-in bold.

[Summer Breeze]

i once picked up my oldest sister's phone while she was in the shower. It was the girlfriend of a doctor she had just started dating(between husbands). I know she did not know this guy had a girlfriend(I am giving her the benefit of the doubt here).

 

I got an earful from this woman before I told her she had the wrong person. I then went to tell mysister she needed to get out of the shower because Dr. X's "girlfriend' wanted to speak with her. She shut down and would not answer the phone.

 

I took the girl's number and told her she would give a call later. My sister refused to call. Any woman would have wanted to know what the hell was going on. How long had he been dating this woman. What is their situation ect. But my sister shut down. She never called the woman. But continued to date him. He kept lying to her. You would think she would want both sides of the story.

 

Well, Doc eventually dumped her and she went to his house once to get answers. Girlfriend was there and my sister was so pathetic girlfriend actually felt sorry for her and drove her home,since she felt my sister was in no condition to drive.

 

For about a month after break-up my sister layed in bed and refused to go to work. I had to call in all the time for her to make sure she kept her job at the hospital she was worked at. She drank all day (and she is not a drinker).I had to keep all her medication in my purse because I was afarid of what she would do.

 

I honestly think she did not want to know what the girlfriend had to say. Preferring to believe whatever her boyfriend was telling her.

 

I always thought it odd. Perhaps because I like to solve mysteries I just need to know. Like I wanted to know what the hell happened between Scott Peterson and Amber Frye. Not my business, but curious at what steps happened to finally make him do what he did. What lies did he tell her? what lies did he tell Lacy?People read those crazy supermarket magazines to find out what is called "gossip". What was Jessy James doing behind Sandra Bullock's back? How did Tiger Woods get away with this for so long?

 

When people have that curiosity towards strangers, you would think they would want to know the behind the scenes of what was going on in their lives.

 

Maybe that's the difference. I'd have taken the call if I'd have been your sister. I also haven't ever bought a gossip mag and could care less what's going on in their lives. I saw something on MSN today about Hollywoods biggest break up and it was Scarlet someone and whoever she was seeing. I know I've seen her in a movie or two but not a clue what. I hadn't ever heard of him. I'm concerned with the relationships in my life and the people I'm associated with. Difference in peeps I guess.

[jthorne]

You're seriously claiming that anyone who doesn't agree with you is mentally ill? :lmao: :lmao: Doesn't that qualify as NPD? :lmao:

LOL Nice try.

Perhaps the MM who is so "trapped" that he needs to be "empowered" is the one with NPD...

Like I said, mental illness is probably material for another thread.

[bentnotbroken]

Talk to BNB it evidently works over where she's standing.

 

 

Why is my name being added to a thread without me commenting on whatever is being discussed here?

[jlola]

I guess we are all different. I really do not care about tabloid life either. What I find curious is the Tiger Woods,Jessy James,John Edwards who seem so totally devoted to wife and family. How can they carry on with a complete lie.

 

Tiger Woods has told mistresses he and his wife were seperated. Jessy James told marriage was for publicity and not a real marriage.

 

The duplicity of their lives is what is puzzling? They seem to tell both sets of people what they want to hear. Both WS and OP want to believe it. That tells me there may be personality disorder issues there. The more lies I would uncover he told me as the mistress,the more I would understand the relationship was a farce.

 

No need to romantize or cry over, since there is now proof that person ain't worth a tear and manipulates for hs own benefit. Selfish,immature and looking for someone to suck the life out of in order to make himself feel less empty.

[Summer Breeze]

i would agree with what you wrote jthorne. i read on here mostly and i see many other women who stay and stay and stay. they say they love the guy and want a future with him, but they continue to let him dictate the rules (if you will) of the affair. for those other women, i do not hold much sympathy because in 10 years, they will probably still be waiting.

 

 

 

 

this was actually a funny post. i do not believe that kids of a cheating father suddenly respect dad because dad choose to end marriage to mom to be with his lover. sorry, but that is just silly. i think most kids, when they find out that a parent has cheated and that cheating has ended the marriage, find themselves disgusted and have little respect for the cheating parent. i also do not see how anyone is trapped in a marriage. that makes little sense to me.

 

 

 

i agree with this post also. i would describe those people (not the miners, the people who cheat and stay married) cowards and they have no honor.

 

 

 

i would guess since it was the other woman who contacted the betrayed spouse, then the other woman was seeking something. it was not the betrayed spouse who picked up the phone and telephoned the other woman.

 

why do you think a betrayed spouse would lie? she wasn't the one sneaking around sleeping with some one's husband.

 

Don't believe there was any mention of the OW contacting Spark. It said they spoke 2 and a half years later. I would agree if the OW picked up the phone and made the call and sat there in silence it would have been ridiculous. I just chose to not make the leap the OW initiated the contact. In fact if memory serves correctly, which it may not do, Spark was out and about when they happened to meet. Spark I do apologize if I've recalled that incorrectly.

 

Why wouldn't a BS lie? Would she want the OW to know they'd only had sex times last week or that they'd had a fight at breakfast that morning? We tell perfect strangers 'I'm fine' all the time so why would you come clean with the OW? I have an idea Spark would have and I know as an OW I did come clean to any and all questions but I don't think that would be the case most of the time.

[hoping2heal]

Not sure exactly what you're saying and I don't know if you're saying whether or not I condone cheating. So I'll assume what I think you mean. Repeating-sex or whatever physicality can be achieved by a couple is as important as any other aspect of the relationship. I am not condoning going outside the marriage but when you look at forums and listen to people talk there is a whole lot more conversation about problems stemming from lack of sex than some of the other things in an R.

 

Nuff said cause I can't say it any clearer than that again. If I've misunderstood you (which I think I have) just say and I'll do my best!

 

 

No problem SB but there was a misunderstanding. I agree that sex is a big part of a happy relationship but I was saying that for some people - sex isn't and they are happily married regardless because it is no big deal to them. I was pointing out that JJ's MM gave her the impression he was both happily married and sex starved. I was trying to say that doesn't add up. That he could of been happily married while being sex starved if he were one of the people who sex isn't a priority for - but since he went outside his marriage to get sex - obviously he is not one of those people.

 

That's all I was talking about.

[Summer Breeze]

I guess we are all different. I really do not care about tabloid life either. What I find curious is the Tiger Woods,Jessy James,John Edwards who seem so totally devoted to wife and family. How can they carry on with a complete lie.

 

Tiger Woods has told mistresses he and his wife were seperated. Jessy James told marriage was for publicity and not a real marriage.

 

The duplicity of their lives is what is puzzling? They seem to tell both sets of people what they want to hear. Both WS and OP want to believe it. That tells me there may be personality disorder issues there. The more lies I would uncover he told me as the mistress,the more I would understand the relationship was a farce.

 

No need to romantize or cry over, since there is now proof that person ain't worth a tear and manipulates for hs own benefit. Selfish,immature and looking for someone to suck the life out of in order to make himself feel less empty.

 

When I was married my H was an alcoholic. My parents knew he drank but not to the extent he did. I told them all I wanted them to know. I have 2 friends that don't care for each other but get upset if I do something with the other so I tell them what I want them to know. I know that these examples are so very trivial compared to what a WS does but if it's a personality disorder or something then do we all suffer from it in some degree?

 

So if as a mistress you were 2 and a half years into your healing you'd want to speak to the BS and get more ammo on what a farce the relationship you're healing from was? I don't get that on any level. It's like saying I'm going to cut open my scar to make sure my incision healed properly. A couple of months maybe but 2 and a half years?

[Summer Breeze]

No problem SB but there was a misunderstanding. I agree that sex is a big part of a happy relationship but I was saying that for some people - sex isn't and they are happily married regardless because it is no big deal to them. I was pointing out that JJ's MM gave her the impression he was both happily married and sex starved. I was trying to say that doesn't add up. That he could of been happily married while being sex starved if he were one of the people who sex isn't a priority for - but since he went outside his marriage to get sex - obviously he is not one of those people.

 

That's all I was talking about.

 

Sorry. Think our wires crossed as I was talking about it being part of a healty R. Apologies lass!

[Summer Breeze]

Why is my name being added to a thread without me commenting on whatever is being discussed here?

 

I just saw this and I owe you all sorts of sorries. I didn't realize I was carrying on thoughts from the other thread. If I had realized it I wouldn't have made the comment here at all.

 

I do apologize.

[OWoman]

this was actually a funny post. i do not believe that kids of a cheating father suddenly respect dad because dad choose to end marriage to mom to be with his lover. sorry, but that is just silly.

 

Meet the kids who did. Silly or not, it happened to us. We had little respect for either of our parents, staying married "for the kids" but hating each other. When my father found someone he could love, he became a different person. But he still didn't leave until we were grown. Once he left, and M his OW, and took responsibility for his happiness and his life, the change in him was remarkable. He stopped being a wuss and became a man. We only wished he'd done it sooner.

 

i think most kids, when they find out that a parent has cheated and that cheating has ended the marriage, find themselves disgusted and have little respect for the cheating parent.

 

Perhaps the kids that you know. Not the kids that I know. My stepkids are very happy with us, much happier than they were previously, and have become well-adjusted (emotionally, socially, academically) and engaged in their lives. The only disrespect was towards their mother, but we have addressed that and that is improving.

[Summer Breeze]

i would agree with what you wrote jthorne. i read on here mostly and i see many other women who stay and stay and stay. they say they love the guy and want a future with him, but they continue to let him dictate the rules (if you will) of the affair. for those other women, i do not hold much sympathy because in 10 years, they will probably still be waiting.

I agree with this completely. I think it's a state of mind that parlays in ALL Rs though. I am a strong person and have never allowed an R or anyone I was in an R with to dominate me. Sometimes that's been to the detriment of the Rs but that's me. I hate seeing anyone sit back and pine for someone else. Live life. When I was seeing xMM I dated and I spent time with friends and I worked and I had my family. It was more difficult for us to find time together because of my commitments than his. After a while I grew and wanted more and he chose not to move forward with me. That was the end. I always knew it would end like that so it wasn't a surprise. It was sad but not a surprise. I did love him and I did want a future with him but I wasn't going to wait around forever. I can't imagine how hard it must be to wait and wait and almost give everything up because of it. I do have sympathy for those who do even if I don't understand why they did it.

 

 

 

this was actually a funny post. i do not believe that kids of a cheating father suddenly respect dad because dad choose to end marriage to mom to be with his lover. sorry, but that is just silly. i think most kids, when they find out that a parent has cheated and that cheating has ended the marriage, find themselves disgusted and have little respect for the cheating parent. i also do not see how anyone is trapped in a marriage. that makes little sense to me.

 

 

 

i agree with this post also. i would describe those people (not the miners, the people who cheat and stay married) cowards and they have no honor.

 

 

 

i would guess since it was the other woman who contacted the betrayed spouse, then the other woman was seeking something. it was not the betrayed spouse who picked up the phone and telephoned the other woman.

 

why do you think a betrayed spouse would lie? she wasn't the one sneaking around sleeping with some one's husband.

 

What I wrote is in bold

[bentnotbroken]

I just saw this and I owe you all sorts of sorries. I didn't realize I was carrying on thoughts from the other thread. If I had realized it I wouldn't have made the comment here at all.

 

I do apologize.

 

 

Fair enough. Apology accepted.

[jennie-jennie]

But after an A dragging out for year after year after year after year after year, one would think...

 

Why am I not surprised that that counts up to 5 years?!!

[jennie-jennie]

So, your MM was happily married yet he had been sex starved for years? You can't answer these questions for him but you should start asking them of him. This really doesn't add up. He may of been at a place of acceptance but I don't see how anyone is ever actually happily married when their needs are not being met whether that is sexually or emotionally or the like.

 

Obviously you meet the needs that he claims were not being met in his marriage and he needed to go elsewhere to do it. Again, not really indicative of "happily married".

 

Hilarious! Are you actually suggesting I should start asking those questions now? Don't you realize I already have the answers since years back?

 

Sometimes you don't realize that there is so much more to be had, until you meet someone who gives it to you.

[hoping2heal]

Meet the kids who did. Silly or not, it happened to us. We had little respect for either of our parents, staying married "for the kids" but hating each other. When my father found someone he could love, he became a different person. But he still didn't leave until we were grown. Once he left, and M his OW, and took responsibility for his happiness and his life, the change in him was remarkable. He stopped being a wuss and became a man. We only wished he'd done it sooner.

 

 

 

Perhaps the kids that you know. Not the kids that I know. My stepkids are very happy with us, much happier than they were previously, and have become well-adjusted (emotionally, socially, academically) and engaged in their lives. The only disrespect was towards their mother, but we have addressed that and that is improving.

 

My parents (who oddly enough have reconciled after ten years of divorce seemed to very much "stay together for the kids". I had more respect for them both when they moved on with their lives. There were no affairs involved but there were people both were waiting to try a RS with once the D was final. Since they seemed like roomates and not lovers/in love it was not really that weird to us.

 

My dad ended up getting into an A with another woman when I was grown. She was the mother of a teenage girl I was mentoring at the time and she had done a major turn around prior to the affair. I knew the family pretty intimately prior to that taking place, the couple had a pair of twin boy and girl siblings who were four. When the A came out the children were all devestated and that teen girl went down a bad road I will not go into. Their family, like mine never appeared to me to have two parents in love with each other either - but it still affected them greatly.

 

I believe both scenarios are possible. I had a lot of anger towards my dad for awhile too. I really did not understand why he couldn't keep it in his pants BUT he was at least honest with me and never kept it from me. They did stay together for about four years but have since parted ways and no longer speak to eachother. That was around five years ago things ended.

 

That said OW, it was mentioned in another thread that you mostly had affairs, you were the one to call it quits on all of them, and you are now married to your former AP because of some immigration issue. It is one thing to have an affair and it is another to have several. I am not at all talking about from a moral high ground either. I am talking about becoming involved in relationships that give you a constant "exit", choosing unavailable men etc. You ever consider the possibility that some of your trust issues stemmed from the affair that happened in your family? I believe it is certainly possible that children could feel indifferent or a sense of "respect" for their father once he leaves the M instead of continuing an A, but that does not mean that there can't be harm done as a result.

[hoping2heal]

Hilarious! Are you actually suggesting I should start asking those questions now? Don't you realize I already have the answers since years back?

 

Sometimes you don't realize that there is so much more to be had, until you meet someone who gives it to you.

 

I can whole heartedly agree to the second part of your message. That said, I certainly never knew to be looking for it while I was still happy in a relationship There has to be a catalyst for even considering the idea. So, instead you are saying your MM was perfectly happy but still felt the need to step outside of his marriage? I would hope not for your sake. If he is the type to go snooping around for something else despite being "happy" in his relationships that puts your days at being numbered as well.