After the affair are "normal relationships boring?

[jlola]

Am I correct in guessing that this is the Hispanic culture? If so, which country?

 

 

You are correct. Latin culture. No disrespect, the country is not important as most of these countries have same mentality. Also, many latins believe it is only the men that cheat. But I always ask "who are they cheating with?"

 

Thank you so much everyone for the thoughtful answers. My sisters are not on speaking terms. My oldest sister who has been married 4X is puzzled that my middle sister(who is married for 15 years to an amazing man) is not speaking with her and holds a grudge. Why? Because she had tried to use my middle sister once before as an aliby for an affair. My middle sister told then husband truth ,that sister was not with her. Ask wife where she has been. They made up and my oldest sister again tried to use middle sister as aliby when cheating on last husband.

 

That was the final straw. Middle sister called oldest sister selfish,immature anda bunch of other names. Oldest sister called me few nights ago. She is upset because she feels my sister misunderstands her. She is not selfish. How can it be selfish if she makes the wrong choices and realizes it after she is married ? Why does she not have the right to seek happiness just because she made the wrong choice.

 

Me being the little sister reminded her she has the right to happiness. It is found within. She also has the right to leave her marriage if she made a mistake. The part we find selfish and immature is that she never leaves until she has a replacement. Dating while married is what is making her selfish.She needs a soft spot to land but is willing to leave BS blindsided.

 

She still did not get it. She was then using the "What right do people have to judge me for this. I am a good person" argument. I told her when you destroy lives including her son's who she ignored and abandoned for another man. When you cheat on good men and then try to demonize them to anyone who will listen,Then people will judge you. She could not wrap her head around this. She always has a bible by her nightstand and loves to go to church.Denial.

 

She is very immature and I fear she will never grow up emotionally. She does come off as very sweet,innocent,fragile. The sort of woman who seeks protection from men and there are many Knights in Shinning armor lining up. She never has a shortage of really decent professional men waiting to rescue her from her present imagined "bad life". Which really makes me wonder about men?

[East7]

To answer the original question, after the affair I look forward to and will LOVE to have a normal relationship!

 

To have someone with whom, to the extent appropriate to the stage of the relationship, I can be with, talk to, share with, get to know, rely on, make love with?

 

That'll not be the slightest bit boring. It'll be deeply satisfying.

 

If a normal relationship is boring, then please, give me some boring! The longing, the stolen moments, the secret phone calls – NO THANK YOU. xMM moved out for six months and even THAT didn't feel all that normal and healthy as he was in a state most of that time! Do I miss the flipping and flopping, or the painful realisation that perhaps I was just a crutch to him during this time of turmoil? That he needed validation as much as I did? That i was not strong enough, or did not love myself enough to say no? Do I miss any of that? NO WAY!

 

I agree with morningcoffee and siuys,

unless you are a mental-masochist, how would you find a normal relationship boring ? A sane person wouldn't trade a happy R for an A.

 

During the whole A, my main frustration was : Why can't we enjoy each-other like 2 normal people ?

An A makes you realize the value and the joy of a full relationship between two committed persons, no more sharing, no more stolen moments, no more having to lie or to hide. I don't miss that type of excitement, it is stressful, humiliating, painful, annoying, why on Earth would I want to spend my life like that.

[Spark1111]

Well, I think SOME people do find a normal relationship boring after the intensity of an illicit affair.

 

I think LS has countless threads of OW/OM and MPs breaking NC months and years after the affair ends.

 

They need an ego boost. They need to believe someone is still pining away for them.

 

It is very selfish and very self-centered and disrespectful to their SO.

[jennie-jennie]

Well, I think SOME people do find a normal relationship boring after the intensity of an illicit affair.

 

I think LS has countless threads of OW/OM and MPs breaking NC months and years after the affair ends.

 

They need an ego boost. They need to believe someone is still pining away for them.

 

It is very selfish and very self-centered and disrespectful to their SO.

 

You presume it is the affair they are longing for. IMO they long for the person they love. Big difference.

[Spark1111]

You presume it is the affair they are longing for. IMO they long for the person they love. Big difference.

 

Then have some self-respect fercryin'outloud!

 

Especially if your fAP has moved on and loves someone else now!

 

Especially if your fAP was given carte blanche to be with you and chose not to.

 

If you love this person, then why contact them if they do not love you any longer?

 

It's still all about weak ego, not love, IMHO.

 

And it doesn't need to be an AP; any SO from the past will do as an example here.

[jlola]

You presume it is the affair they are longing for. IMO they long for the person they love. Big difference.

 

J-J,

 

I don't get it. You talk about your affair with such passion. Yet you are still the OW. Why is it you and MM are not together? I cannot believe it is because of the kids or family or whatever.

 

I am not trying too put you down. Just trying to understand the logic.If I could not depend on a man to be with me on holidays,vacatons, to take me to his family home as his committed person, to sleep with at night,to be with each other when we are sick,etc. Why would I not search for something to fulfill me? Unless I really do not want a full- time relationship and this part-time partner fulfills my needs.

 

I have stated before. I have seen people make huge sacrifices for love. Some at a very young age.

 

I think if a man so much in love wth you and you with him sharing life wth someone else ona day to day bases would not be acceptable.

 

Why not proudly get together and spend everyday of your life living with this love instead of being hidden OW.

 

Please explan this as I can never understand why single OM/OW would even put themselves in this position.

 

Perhaps I am naive.

[jlola]

Well, I think SOME people do find a normal relationship boring after the intensity of an illicit affair.

 

I think LS has countless threads of OW/OM and MPs breaking NC months and years after the affair ends.

 

They need an ego boost. They need to believe someone is still pining away for them.

 

It is very selfish and very self-centered and disrespectful to their SO.

 

 

I agree. I believe some love the adrenaline of the affair. The longing is romantic. Two star crossed lovers meant to be together just lke in the movies. But the obstacles in their way are keeping them apart.

 

I think many MM/MW understand deep down inside, reality would burst the romance bubble. No more going to sleep with AP on your mind. They are now sleepng next to you. No more pinning for the next meeting, they see you everyday. No more heart racing when the phone rings in case it is them. I would imagine for some this sort of excitement makes life and the romance much more interesting. More magic,more tragic. "We were meant to be". If only we had met before.

 

Most do not persue a divorce unless they are found out.They claim to be so unhappy in their marriage. Yet they stay married and get someone else to join them in their pity party of how miserable their marriage is. They cry about how difficult or impossible it is to leave.

 

The two bond together with this whole pity party going on. AP waiting till MM/MW has the strength to finally leave. Married person use excuse of kids,finance,religion or whatever to avoid dealing with reality. AP thinks what a good person MM/MW is. They are so broken up about hurtng their family. So selfless. So sacrificing.

 

It is the excitement of the affair they want AND the security of home and family. Why have to give anything up? Can't they have both????? If the romance becomes a marriage,then you are dealing with everyday routine and reality all over again. No more escapism unless you find another affair partner.

[jennie-jennie]

J-J,

 

I don't get it. You talk about your affair with such passion. Yet you are still the OW. Why is it you and MM are not together? I cannot believe it is because of the kids or family or whatever.

 

I am not trying too put you down. Just trying to understand the logic.If I could not depend on a man to be with me on holidays,vacatons, to take me to his family home as his committed person, to sleep with at night,to be with each other when we are sick,etc. Why would I not search for something to fulfill me? Unless I really do not want a full- time relationship and this part-time partner fulfills my needs.

 

I have stated before. I have seen people make huge sacrifices for love. Some at a very young age.

 

I think if a man so much in love wth you and you with him sharing life wth someone else ona day to day bases would not be acceptable.

 

Why not proudly get together and spend everyday of your life living with this love instead of being hidden OW.

 

Please explan this as I can never understand why single OM/OW would even put themselves in this position.

 

Perhaps I am naive.

 

For some men "love is not enough" to break up a marriage. There are other things in life as important to them as love. I happen to love such a man. He fulfills my needs in many ways. So, so far I have chosen to stay with him, because even though he is married I see that he fulfills my needs more than any man I have ever met.

 

Perhaps it is like you say and you are naive. I believe you are definitely younger than I am? As life goes on, my experience is that you realize there are not that many men out there who satisfy your needs, so when you come upon one of them you appreciate your luck despite the shortcomings they might have (like staying married).

[jthorne]

For some men "love is not enough" to break up a marriage. There are other things in life as important to them as love. I happen to love such a man.

Is this meant to say that all you have between you is love, and you and your love are not enough?

 

Don't you find that insulting?

[jennie-jennie]

Is this meant to say that all you have between you is love, and you and your love are not enough?

 

Don't you find that insulting?

 

No, I don't find it insulting that my MM values other things in life and not only romantic love. That he values family, responsibility, being a good father and provider, all positive qualities in a man.

[jlola]

Is this meant to say that all you have between you is love, and you and your love are not enough?

 

Don't you find that insulting?

 

j-J,

 

Yes I am younger than you. But still can be logical. Age has nothing to do with experience or maturity. Sorry, i still want to hope there are great men out there I do not need to share. I would rather be alone than share a man who is married.

 

Of course MM treat their mistresses well. that is part of an affair. That is the script.

 

I am a pretty attractive woman. Have been mistaken often for lead singer of Pussycat Doll ,Nicole whatever her name is.

 

Live in one of the best zip codes in the U.S. full of very wealthy,prosperous and good looking men. Believe me, when I say it would be like taking candy from a baby if I decided I wanted an affair.These rich MM are on the prowl.

 

Would they probably treat me better than many single men? I gather I would be treated like a Queen and before too long declared a "soulmate" by one of these men who long for romance and an ego boost. Again,I know the script.

 

Does it matter to me that these MM would probably take care of my billsspoil me, give me all of the romance they think I want,etc.??? NO!!!!!! They are married. I don't care to find out how they will treat me. I just know it is not my right to be with a man who is married UNLESS he decides to divorce.

 

I am not out to hurt another woman. I saw how it destroyed my mother. A great beauty who now barely weight 100lbs. Let someone else do it. Not me.

.

 

And if I was married, I would rather my husband leave me if he is so in love with another woman and not with me. Being second choice would destroy my self esteem.

[Spark1111]

I agree. I believe some love the adrenaline of the affair. The longing is romantic. Two star crossed lovers meant to be together just lke in the movies. But the obstacles in their way are keeping them apart.

 

I think many MM/MW understand deep down inside, reality would burst the romance bubble. No more going to sleep with AP on your mind. They are now sleepng next to you. No more pinning for the next meeting, they see you everyday. No more heart racing when the phone rings in case it is them. I would imagine for some this sort of excitement makes life and the romance much more interesting. More magic,more tragic. "We were meant to be". If only we had met before.

 

Most do not persue a divorce unless they are found out.They claim to be so unhappy in their marriage. Yet they stay married and get someone else to join them in their pity party of how miserable their marriage is. They cry about how difficult or impossible it is to leave.

 

The two bond together with this whole pity party going on. AP waiting till MM/MW has the strength to finally leave. Married person use excuse of kids,finance,religion or whatever to avoid dealing with reality. AP thinks what a good person MM/MW is. They are so broken up about hurtng their family. So selfless. So sacrificing.

 

It is the excitement of the affair they want AND the security of home and family. Why have to give anything up? Can't they have both????? If the romance becomes a marriage,then you are dealing with everyday routine and reality all over again. No more escapism unless you find another affair partner.

 

This rings true for my sitch, and for many other fBS who said at DDAY...."Go get 'em." and "don't let the door hit you on the way out."

 

Did not care about the assets, the status quo, the kids are any of the other garbage he was spewing to her as to why he could not leave....YET.

 

We, like many reconciled BSs, separated at my insistance.

 

For a while, he lived with her....and their affair bubble went pssssst quickly.

 

For some, if it is NOT forbidden, if there is no common enemy to bond over (Me and her xH)...than it's nothing pretty quickly.

 

All that love, undying passion and romance flew right out the window when he could have her full time with my blessing.

 

I know he never told her that though. Wonder why not?

 

Go figure.

[East7]

I think LS has countless threads of OW/OM and MPs breaking NC months and years after the affair ends.

 

They need an ego boost. They need to believe someone is still pining away for them.

 

It is very selfish and very self-centered and disrespectful to their SO.

 

Can't agree more ! Some WS are forgiven, once the dust settles and they get comfortable with their BS, the routine comes back again and they need and Ego shot "hmmmm let's see if the OM/OW is still there, let's see if she/he still loves me"

These persons are extremely selfish, take BS forgiveness for granted and authorize themselves to go and test the waters again.

Some OM/OW will crack because they have been in love and may get sucked back again to end up being told "Sorry I'm married"

Some fWS play with OM/OW genuine feelings just to feel desired (that's often how the A starts)

 

I remember once I told xMW : Why did you came to my life and started all this if you can not be with me ?

 

 

For some men "love is not enough" to break up a marriage.

 

Ohhh please, I have heard that too... And I have answered "If my love is not enough then leave me alone!"

 

I have also heard "Just because one person doesn't you the way you want to be loved, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all he has"

 

Total bull***

[Hazyhead]

Can't agree more ! Some WS are forgiven, once the dust settles and they get comfortable with their BS, the routine comes back again and they need and Ego shot "hmmmm let's see if the OM/OW is still there, let's see if she/he still loves me"

These persons are extremely selfish, take BS forgiveness for granted and authorize themselves to go and test the waters again.

Some OM/OW will crack because they have been in love and may get sucked back again to end up being told "Sorry I'm married"

Some fWS play with OM/OW genuine feelings just to feel desired (that's often how the A starts)

 

I remember once I told xMW : Why did you came to my life and started all this if you can not be with me ?

 

Ohhh please, I have heard that too... And I have answered "If my love is not enough then leave me alone!"

 

I have also heard "Just because one person doesn't you the way you want to be loved, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all he has"

 

Total bull***

 

 

 

This was (and probably will be with somebody else in the future) my xAP to a tee. I was taken in by him the first few times, by the same ol' blah... what amazes me most is that his W will possibly always do so, because it works both ways if she know - he must have been made up to have two women that knowingly fight for a man who is not solely devoted to them.

 

God, you'd think him some superman, only trying to fulfil each role

[Spark1111]

Can't agree more ! Some WS are forgiven, once the dust settles and they get comfortable with their BS, the routine comes back again and they need and Ego shot "hmmmm let's see if the OM/OW is still there, let's see if she/he still loves me"

These persons are extremely selfish, take BS forgiveness for granted and authorize themselves to go and test the waters again.

Some OM/OW will crack because they have been in love and may get sucked back again to end up being told "Sorry I'm married"

Some fWS play with OM/OW genuine feelings just to feel desired (that's often how the A starts)

 

I remember once I told xMW : Why did you came to my life and started all this if you can not be with me ?

 

 

 

 

Ohhh please, I have heard that too... And I have answered "If my love is not enough then leave me alone!"

 

I have also heard "Just because one person doesn't you the way you want to be loved, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all he has"

 

Total bull***

 

Oh, about the bolded: In our case it was the fOW who broke NC 2.5 years later in the workplace to push every emotional button he had to see if he was still interested despite her having a new, single boyfriend.

 

I guess SHE DEFINTIELY found the new relationship a bit boring as compared to the affair. Or, she needed to see if he was still pining for her because MM only return to their marriages for the sake of their kids.

 

He told me immediately. It's when I finally confronted her. It's not always the MP who has the need for an ego boost.

[jthorne]

No, I don't find it insulting that my MM values other things in life and not only romantic love. That he values family, responsibility, being a good father and provider, all positive qualities in a man.

Thanks for clarifying. From your other posts, I concluded that your affair was more than romantic love. I guess I either misjudged or was mislead.

 

What you've posted here in this thread then supports the OP's theory, IMO.

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks for clarifying. From your other posts, I concluded that your affair was more than romantic love. I guess I either misjudged or was mislead.

 

What you've posted here in this thread then supports the OP's theory, IMO.

 

Huh? How could you possibly twist my words into the above?

 

Of course we share other things than romantic love. But without the romantic love my MM wouldn't even consider breaking up his marriage, now would he? Without the romantic love we would be just friends. And you don't break up your marriage because of a friendship.

Edited December 14, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[whichwayisup]

No, I don't find it insulting that my MM values other things in life and not only romantic love. That he values family, responsibility, being a good father and provider, all positive qualities in a man.

 

I don't understand a MM or MW who feels "such value" in family, responsibility, being a good father, a provider, etc can then go and cheat, have an affair and live a double life under his/her spouses nose. Sorry but these MW and MM are selfish and when D-Day occurs, the truth comes out. Kids are devastated, and families are blown apart.

 

Not judging anybody here, k, it's just overall reading how kind, wonderful, loving MM or MW is, holds family in high reguard etc, has a really f*ked up way of showing it by cheating and betraying the family unit as one.

[jthorne]

Huh? How could you possibly twist my words into the above?

I'm sorry, I don't feel I've twisted anything. I'm just going on what you've posted in this thread.

[jennie-jennie]

I'm sorry, I don't feel I've twisted anything. I'm just going on what you've posted in this thread.

 

Then you are clearly misinterpreting my words, because I can't see how anything I have posted can be stated to support the topic of the thread "After the affair are 'normal' relationships boring?", since I vehemently disagree with that statement.

 

Can you please refer me to the post in which I, according to you, said anything about my MM and I sharing only romantic love.

Edited December 14, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jennie-jennie]

I don't understand a MM or MW who feels "such value" in family, responsibility, being a good father, a provider, etc can then go and cheat, have an affair and live a double life under his/her spouses nose. Sorry but these MW and MM are selfish and when D-Day occurs, the truth comes out. Kids are devastated, and families are blown apart.

 

Not judging anybody here, k, it's just overall reading how kind, wonderful, loving MM or MW is, holds family in high reguard etc, has a really f*ked up way of showing it by cheating and betraying the family unit as one.

 

Life is complex.

[worlybear]

Life is complex.

No it isn't. People are complex and it is how they live their life that defines them.

Cheating on spouses is not high on my particular list of positive qualities-(nor I expect on any others.) If the MM is such a paragon of virtue, why doesn't he sit down with his wife and family, explain the situation clearly, leave and move in with the OW?

It's called having integrity and it's simple.

[whichwayisup]

No it isn't. People are complex and it is how they live their life that defines them.Cheating on spouses is not high on my particular list of positive qualities-(nor I expect on any others.) If the MM is such a paragon of virtue, why doesn't he sit down with his wife and family, explain the situation clearly, leave and move in with the OW?

It's called having integrity and it's simple.

 

Completely agree with you.

 

JJ's MM (IMO from what she's said about him and their affair) is selfish and a cake eater. Sure he loves both women, wants to keep his family under one roof, keep the benefits of being married, lives life - does things with his wife and kids, yet he lives life with JJ too, Though .. He doesn't ever make love or have sex with his wife.. Only with JJ. S

 

He has two women to meet his needs, he is living a double life.

[donnamaybe]

Ohhh please, I have heard that too... And I have answered "If my love is not enough then leave me alone!"

 

I have also heard "Just because one person doesn't you the way you want to be loved, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all he has"

 

Total bull***

I agree. I mean, I would settle for, let's say, a guy who maybe forgot to take the trash out occasionally, or who left the cap off the toothpaste, but one who went home to a different woman every night? No way! And all these pretty phrases are designed to keep their extra person RIGHT where they want them! Danglin' on that string!

[jennie-jennie]

I agree. I mean, I would settle for, let's say, a guy who maybe forgot to take the trash out occasionally, or who left the cap off the toothpaste, but one who went home to a different woman every night? No way! And all these pretty phrases are designed to keep their extra person RIGHT where they want them! Danglin' on that string!

 

Just wanted to clarify, the phrase "love is not enough" was not a quote of my MM's, I saw it in a post on another OW forum, and thought there was truth in it.