After the affair are "normal relationships boring?

[Spark1111]

Just wanted to clarify, the phrase "love is not enough" was not a quote of my MM's, I saw it in a post on another OW forum, and thought there was truth in it.

 

It IS a great line JJ! I've used it myself.

 

When my FWS was begging to reconcile, I told him I didn't think love and counseling would be enough to fix what he had broken.

 

While it took a great deal more, I guess I was wrong ultimately.

[jthorne]

Can you please refer me to the post in which I, according to you, said anything about my MM and I sharing only romantic love.

Okay...

 

Is this meant to say that all you have between you is love, and you and your love are not enough?

 

Don't you find that insulting?

 

No, I don't find it insulting that my MM values other things in life and not only romantic love. That he values family, responsibility, being a good father and provider, all positive qualities in a man.

Let's look at a generic example...

A MM says he loves the OW, and the OW thinks he meets her needs in every way, fine. But...

 

The relationship is long distance.

The way they communicate is primarily via phone, text, email, Skype because your R is long distance.

They see each other two to three times a year.

It's been said that the MM has an account here and reads the OW's posts, yet I've never seen him post in her defense here on LS.

The relationship is a secret, and MM has no plans of changing that in the near future.

AP's don't have children together or own property together- he and his wife do that.

MM doesn't live with OW, he lives with his wife and kids.

MM is not financially tied to OW, other than the money OW has said he's given her.

Due to the nature of the A, there's no working toward any future dreams or goals together.

 

The italicized, while unavailable to most OW, are things that people who share more than romantic love do freely and in the open.

 

More specifically speaking, I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but I'm having a hard time seeing where I have twisted anything you've said. You do not share those things you've listed in your post

he values family, responsibility, being a good father and provider, all positive qualities in a man.

with the MM. IIRC, you and others have posted previously that you wouldn't trade with the BS, so does that not support the OP that illicit nature of the A has to be considered?

[fooled once]

Pure, I would guess that the purpose of the thread is to express the pain this poster has endured, to speak her truth, to let others know what pain has been created in her life by A's, and to receive support and discussion. Perhaps she hopes her post will show readers here another side of the reality of an A - a child's POV. I would guess that in her childhood, she had no voice. Here, she does. She can speak her truth in a safe environment, where she can be heard and hopefully, supported.

 

I think a more supportive question than "what is the purpose of your thread?" would be "what can we do to help you today?" Or perhaps simply, "Thank you for sharing your truth."

 

I can understand the anger at the father and the OW. If, as a child, you and your mother suffered physical abuse, neglect and heartache from your father while you watched him lavish gifts, money, attention and affection on his OW, hell yeah, don't you think that child would hate the OW? I think that would be pretty natural. This was a child, after all, a child who wanted to be loved and accepted, who wanted the attention and affection of her father, who wanted her mother to be loved, but instead had to watch while her father lavished everything she wanted and NEEDED as a child, on another woman.

 

I remember when I caught my husband in one of his affairs, he was seeing a black woman. I hated her for having an A with my H, but was shocked to realize that suddenly I also HATED ALL black women. I knew it was irrational, but I did. Just the sight of a black woman made me hate her because she was black. Totally irrational. (and I knew it was while I was hating them.) I hated myself for being mulatto, and I hated them for being full while I be mingledy. And then, when I found out he with a white woman, too, I hated all white women! I could hardly stand to go to church, cause there was black women and there was white women. And I'm sitting all up in church where we supposed to love everybody, and I hating everybody cos their skin a few shades off from mine! I guess I was an unbiased (or fully-biased) hater! This is the truth. Irrational. Prejudiced. Unfair. I was an adult, but I guess the trauma and abuse of the affairs brought out this irrational hatred in me. (I got over it after a few months.) Imagine what it would do to a kid! A kid who is being beaten and called names, and hungry and doing without, while the OW is treated like princess. Yeah, I can understand why, as an adult, she would want to tell us what it's like for the kid.

 

JLo, I'm sorry for what you went through, and I am glad you shared your story with us. ((((((((hugs))))))))

 

Great post FOG. Great post!!!

 

FOG, thank you so much for suggesting how I should post, although I post the way I choose to, and will continue to do so.

 

Don't you often do this to posters?

 

No offense intended, Pure, and certainly not trying to tell anyone how to post. Your response just suprised me, you're usually so supportive of people who have been through abuse, such as this poster has, and I didn't get that tone from your post.

 

But then after I posted, I read the rest of the thread - which I should always do before posting, but I be up all night doing paperwork and just signed on to decompress a little and posted without reading the rest of the thread, including the part where you wonder if she's a fake poster. I suppose that's possible.

 

But her story certainly is true. In my community of origin, there was exactly what she described and it happened A LOT. More often than not, to tell the truth. Her story could belong to any number of the kids where I grew up. In fact, she one of the lucky ones because she had a good mother. Lots of my friends grew up with grandma, or auntie, or great-grandma, or the kind-hearted woman across the road, because Mama took up with some man, too. If it hadn't been for the woman across the highway from us, I don't know what would have become of me.

 

So whether she's "for real" or not, doesn't matter to me. I know first-hand that her story is more real than anyone might want to think about. And what if she is for real? How hurtful and offensive to tell someone they aren't real and their story isn't valid.

 

But I can vouch that the story is valid. I saw it every day growing up.

 

Me too. I find the OP's story very heart breaking and sad, for the mom, for the kids, for the kids' future partners, basically sad for everyone except the 2 who willingly chose to engage in an affair.

 

I agree with morningcoffee and siuys,

unless you are a mental-masochist, how would you find a normal relationship boring ? A sane person wouldn't trade a happy R for an A.

 

During the whole A, my main frustration was : Why can't we enjoy each-other like 2 normal people ?

An A makes you realize the value and the joy of a full relationship between two committed persons, no more sharing, no more stolen moments, no more having to lie or to hide. I don't miss that type of excitement, it is stressful, humiliating, painful, annoying, why on Earth would I want to spend my life like that.

 

Yep, my marriage, while not the product of an affair, is exactly as I need it to be. Fulfilling, mundane at times, challenging, fun, loving, satisfying and perfect FOR ME.

 

I for one am happy to not share. Was glad my whole life I never had a sister I had to share anything with!

 

Then have some self-respect fercryin'outloud!

 

Especially if your fAP has moved on and loves someone else now!

 

Especially if your fAP was given carte blanche to be with you and chose not to.

 

If you love this person, then why contact them if they do not love you any longer?

 

It's still all about weak ego, not love, IMHO.

 

And it doesn't need to be an AP; any SO from the past will do as an example here.

 

I find it selfish and disrupting when a past love thinks I have sat and longed for them and think that my life has been nothing since them Incredibly self absorbed, self serving and selfish, IMHO. Some people miss the challenge an affair brings, some miss the excitement of secrecy and living on the edge an affair brings. And when some people come into someone's life after an ending, it only serves to hurt the person who has moved on by opening old wounds.

 

J-J,

 

I don't get it. You talk about your affair with such passion. Yet you are still the OW. Why is it you and MM are not together? I cannot believe it is because of the kids or family or whatever.

 

I am not trying too put you down. Just trying to understand the logic.If I could not depend on a man to be with me on holidays,vacatons, to take me to his family home as his committed person, to sleep with at night,to be with each other when we are sick,etc. Why would I not search for something to fulfill me? Unless I really do not want a full- time relationship and this part-time partner fulfills my needs.

 

I have stated before. I have seen people make huge sacrifices for love. Some at a very young age.

 

I think if a man so much in love wth you and you with him sharing life wth someone else ona day to day bases would not be acceptable.

Why not proudly get together and spend everyday of your life living with this love instead of being hidden OW.

 

Please explan this as I can never understand why single OM/OW would even put themselves in this position.

 

Perhaps I am naive.

 

You are NOT naive. You just live in reality. I completely agree with your post and especially what I bolded above. I have sang that tune for quite a while - if a person loves you, they want to share their live with you. If a person loves you, they want you IN their life, not on the periphery looking in and being UNABLE to be brought out to the public, to be shown off, to be introduced to family (including kids) and friends. Love means wanting to be with you, not sneaking around and going home to a spouse (at least that is my view of love). Some share it, some don't. But no way would I want to continue a life year after year with someone who goes home to a wife and has a life that I am not part of at all.

 

j-J,

 

Yes I am younger than you. But still can be logical. Age has nothing to do with experience or maturity. Sorry, i still want to hope there are great men out there I do not need to share. I would rather be alone than share a man who is married.

 

Of course MM treat their mistresses well. that is part of an affair. That is the script.

 

I am a pretty attractive woman. Have been mistaken often for lead singer of Pussycat Doll ,Nicole whatever her name is.

 

Live in one of the best zip codes in the U.S. full of very wealthy,prosperous and good looking men. Believe me, when I say it would be like taking candy from a baby if I decided I wanted an affair.These rich MM are on the prowl.

 

Would they probably treat me better than many single men? I gather I would be treated like a Queen and before too long declared a "soulmate" by one of these men who long for romance and an ego boost. Again,I know the script.

 

Does it matter to me that these MM would probably take care of my billsspoil me, give me all of the romance they think I want,etc.??? NO!!!!!! They are married. I don't care to find out how they will treat me. I just know it is not my right to be with a man who is married UNLESS he decides to divorce.

 

I am not out to hurt another woman. I saw how it destroyed my mother. A great beauty who now barely weight 100lbs. Let someone else do it. Not me.

 

And if I was married, I would rather my husband leave me if he is so in love with another woman and not with me. Being second choice would destroy my self esteem.

 

Actually, in my mind, age has NOTHING to do with it. Maybe some older people are willing to settle for half a relationship vs a whole relationship. But heck, I know of many older people who aren't even willing to do that (older as in 70's and 80's). Most people don't want to be a secret; no matter the age.

 

and your quote that I bolded - again, I completely agree. Cowards don't divorce, they cheat. And I also believe if a man really loved a woman who wasn't his wife, he would divorce to be with that woman. I am divorced and remarried. No way was I going to live my life with someone I didn't love like a wife should love a husband. No way was I going to deal with that forever. I would rather be alone that in an unfulfilled marriage where I didn't love the person I was married to. And I didn't even have to cheat to know that.

 

I don't understand a MM or MW who feels "such value" in family, responsibility, being a good father, a provider, etc can then go and cheat, have an affair and live a double life under his/her spouses nose. Sorry but these MW and MM are selfish and when D-Day occurs, the truth comes out. Kids are devastated, and families are blown apart.

 

Not judging anybody here, k, it's just overall reading how kind, wonderful, loving MM or MW is, holds family in high reguard etc, has a really f*ked up way of showing it by cheating and betraying the family unit as one.

 

Ditto

[OWoman]

if i am not mistaken, are you not married to the affair partner? so in context of this post, you really cannot compare your current married state to the original question.

 

WTF does that have to do with anything? The OP did not state, "normal Rs that are not with your fAP". Furthermore, that directly contradicts what you claim elsewhere:

 

i think many people in affairs think they know the real person, but they do not in my view. they build up this person to be bigger than life; they build up what they have, because when broken down, they have a fantasy of someone. they do not live with the person, they do not have the daily struggles and daily issues many couples have. no marriage is a bed of roses, just like no affair is a bed of roses. life isn't a bed of roses. i am sure many people who are involved in affairs will claim they get all the same things as a couple living together, but we know that isn't reality because the cold hard fact is they do not live together.

 

You can't have it both ways:

 

* either my M "doesn't count" wrt the OP because an A and an M featuring the same people are too similar to be considered different;

 

OR

 

* As and FTRs are very different by virtue of the APs not living together FT.

 

Which is it?

[jennie-jennie]

Okay...

 

 

 

Let's look at a generic example...

A MM says he loves the OW, and the OW thinks he meets her needs in every way, fine. But...

 

The relationship is long distance.

The way they communicate is primarily via phone, text, email, Skype because your R is long distance.

They see each other two to three times a year.

It's been said that the MM has an account here and reads the OW's posts, yet I've never seen him post in her defense here on LS.

The relationship is a secret, and MM has no plans of changing that in the near future.

AP's don't have children together or own property together- he and his wife do that.

MM doesn't live with OW, he lives with his wife and kids.

MM is not financially tied to OW, other than the money OW has said he's given her.

Due to the nature of the A, there's no working toward any future dreams or goals together.

 

The italicized, while unavailable to most OW, are things that people who share more than romantic love do freely and in the open.

 

More specifically speaking, I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but I'm having a hard time seeing where I have twisted anything you've said. You do not share those things you've listed in your post with the MM. IIRC, you and others have posted previously that you wouldn't trade with the BS, so does that not support the OP that illicit nature of the A has to be considered?

 

You quoting your posts does not support your statement that I somewhere said that we only share romantic love. My post only refers to exactly what it says: "No, I don't find it insulting that my MM values other things in life and not only romantic love." I didn't bother to comment the part of your statement which said "all you have between you is love". I guess that is where the misunderstanding came from.

 

I would never trade with the BS, because:

 

She has kids - I have kids

She has a house - I have a house

She has to work - I don't

I have a sufficient steady income - she doesn't

Their sex life has stopped. Our sex life is great.

And most of all:

She has a man who only loves her altruistically, while I have a man who loves me intimately

 

Jthorne, my MM and I are very compatible. We share so much more than just romantic love. Not so much materialistic things that is true, and we don't have kids together, but I really don't value materialistic things and nine kids which is what we have between us is plenty for both of us.

 

Concerning the qualities I posted:

he values family, responsibility, being a good father and provider, all positive qualities in a man.

those qualities rub off on our relationship too. My MM shows a genuine interest in my girls, their achievements and their everyday life. He supports me in all practical and financial matters I have to deal with. He provides for me to the extent he can.

 

And the long distance aspect actually serves to diminish the impact of "the illicit nature of the A". When we meet, he is all mine. He is with me 24/7. No going home. And the rest of the time, since he has his own company and spends most of his awake time at work, he is available to me all day and late evenings without any sense of secrecy.

 

So IMO we have a pretty normal long distance relationship, very little affected by the fact that he is married.

 

I understand that there may be people for whom the illicit nature of an affair is a thrill, but for me, like for many others who have posted in this thread, that is the setback, that is what we don't want. So please refrain from building arguments to prove that I support what I do not.

[jennie-jennie]

It would seem that after an affair , a normal relationship would be boring. No more drama, no more competing, no more adreneline of longing, no more stolen moments that make tme together seem so much more precious, no more waiting for MM/MW to secretly phone you.No more seeing the OP at their physical best.

 

When you are able to have an everyday normal relationship where there is morning breath, getting together with friends ands family you may not like,spending as much time together etc. Does it make you long for the unpredictability of affair love?

 

I think for the sex addict what you post here holds true, but most extramarital relationships described on LS are relationships with a deep emotional involvement. They are very much like normal relationships, especially as time goes by. In fact much of what you describe in your OP is true for any new relationship. And just like there are people who go from relationship to relationship to get that first emotional and sexual high whether with single or married people, there are people who prefer staying in long term relationships, whether that is with a single or a married person.

Edited December 15, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[hoping2heal]

You quoting your posts does not support your statement that I somewhere said that we only share romantic love. My post only refers to exactly what it says: "No, I don't find it insulting that my MM values other things in life and not only romantic love." I didn't bother to comment the part of your statement which said "all you have between you is love". I guess that is where the misunderstanding came from.

 

I would never trade with the BS, because:

 

She has kids - I have kids

She has a house - I have a house

She has to work - I don't

I have a sufficient steady income - she doesn't

Their sex life has stopped. Our sex life is great.

And most of all:

She has a man who only loves her altruistically, while I have a man who loves me intimately

 

Jthorne, my MM and I are very compatible. We share so much more than just romantic love. Not so much materialistic things that is true, and we don't have kids together, but I really don't value materialistic things and nine kids which is what we have between us is plenty for both of us.

 

Concerning the qualities I posted:

 

those qualities rub off on our relationship too. My MM shows a genuine interest in my girls, their achievements and their everyday life. He supports me in all practical and financial matters I have to deal with. He provides for me to the extent he can.

 

And the long distance aspect actually serves to diminish the impact of "the illicit nature of the A". When we meet, he is all mine. He is with me 24/7. No going home. And the rest of the time, since he has his own company and spends most of his awake time at work, he is available to me all day and late evenings without any sense of secrecy.

 

So IMO we have a pretty normal long distance relationship, very little affected by the fact that he is married.

 

I understand that there may be people for whom the illicit nature of an affair is a thrill, but for me, like for many others who have posted in this thread, that is the setback, that is what we don't want. So please refrain from building arguments to prove that I support what I do not.

 

I don't see how he possibly loves his W altruistically. If you two are in love and want to skip through the daisies together, okay fine. Why doesn't he do the decent thing and let his wife off the hook so that she too can find someone who genuinely loves and cares about her?

 

All the while she is being deceived she is putting effort into the marriage and family unit, going to work as you mentioned to help support that family unit, for what? Shouldn't she too get to have a love life that is filled with so much sincerity as the two of you?

 

I am sure however that works to his advantage to have her in that place and there are certain things that are made more simple for him by her remaining as she does, so while you two are off having your wonderful "long distance relationship" she gets sh*t upon. Altruistic? hardly.

[jennie-jennie]

I don't see how he possibly loves his W altruistically. If you two are in love and want to skip through the daisies together, okay fine. Why doesn't he do the decent thing and let his wife off the hook so that she too can find someone who genuinely loves and cares about her?

 

All the while she is being deceived she is putting effort into the marriage and family unit, going to work as you mentioned to help support that family unit, for what? Shouldn't she too get to have a love life that is filled with so much sincerity as the two of you?

 

I am sure however that works to his advantage to have her in that place and there are certain things that are made more simple for him by her remaining as she does, so while you two are off having your wonderful "long distance relationship" she gets sh*t upon. Altruistic? hardly.

 

I agree with you, but in the mind of the MM he is doing the altruistic thing by not breaking up the marriage and the family. He doesn't want to hurt his wife, and believes he minimizes the damage in this way. He sees it as selfish if he would pursue the path of his love for the OW and thus get a divorce. He can not bring himself to hurt those he loves, his wife and his children, for his own pleasure and well-being. So he stays with his wife, although he has stopped loving her romantically, although he is no longer in love with her. Another woman has replaced her in that sense.

[jennie-jennie]

I agree with you, but in the mind of the MM he is doing the altruistic thing by not breaking up the marriage and the family. He doesn't want to hurt his wife, and believes he minimizes the damage in this way. He sees it as selfish if he would pursue the path of his love for the OW and thus get a divorce. He can not bring himself to hurt those he loves, his wife and his children, for his own pleasure and well-being. So he stays with his wife, although he has stopped loving her romantically, although he is no longer in love with her. Another woman has replaced her in that sense.

 

And not all extramarital relationships are worth getting a divorce for anyway. Extramarital relationships are just like regular relationships in that sense. Some have the capacity to turn into deep long term relationships, and some don't.

[Spark1111]

I agree with you, but in the mind of the MM he is doing the altruistic thing by not breaking up the marriage and the family. He doesn't want to hurt his wife, and believes he minimizes the damage in this way. He sees it as selfish if he would pursue the path of his love for the OW and thus get a divorce. He can not bring himself to hurt those he loves, his wife and his children, for his own pleasure and well-being. So he stays with his wife, although he has stopped loving her romantically, although he is no longer in love with her. Another woman has replaced her in that sense.

 

So then why not tell his wife and give her the same opportunity to find romantic intimate love with another?

 

It is a question I posed to my fWS. It was not developing feelings for another (although, of course it would hurt to hear that); It was lying about it for 1.5 years that devastated me and our children.

 

Dad becomes a lying, sneaking (fill-in-the-blank), when we could have separated, gone to counseling and discovered if we had a marriage worth saving as he explored those feelings with the OW and I could do the same. Kids and I would have respected him so much more.

 

I can only conclude, in addition to cowardice and paying lip service to not breaking apart the family, his subconcious motivations were much more primal:

 

He would never allow his wife to be with another man! He would never be able to handle that.

 

And that isn't altruistic or intimate. It's just plain, old, cake-eating selfish, IMHO>

[xxoo]

I agree with you, but in the mind of the MM he is doing the altruistic thing by not breaking up the marriage and the family. He doesn't want to hurt his wife, and believes he minimizes the damage in this way. He sees it as selfish if he would pursue the path of his love for the OW and thus get a divorce. He can not bring himself to hurt those he loves, his wife and his children, for his own pleasure and well-being. So he stays with his wife, although he has stopped loving her romantically, although he is no longer in love with her. Another woman has replaced her in that sense.

 

Bull. If that were true, he wouldn't be cheating.

 

Men stay for selfish reasons. They want their wife to play the role of wife, and want an OW for romance/sex.

[whichwayisup]

Bull. If that were true, he wouldn't be cheating.

 

Men stay for selfish reasons. They want their wife to play the role of wife, and want an OW for romance/sex.

 

As long as he doesn't get caught.

 

One thing though that really irks me, how well many MM lie and can pretend at home..Fool their wives, kids, extended family, friends, neighbours, co-workers.. To continually live a lie..Until it just "is".

 

I know JJ you totally believe your MM never has sex with his wife, but seeing as how good of a liar he is at home, I find it hard to believe that your MM would never omit or lie to you, even more so since it's LDA and you really have NO idea how he is at home with his wife, their dynamic, their family outings, living life etc.. You must have alot of faith and trust overall in him, not sure honestly if that is a good thing or a bad thing in your case.

[whichwayisup]

He can not bring himself to hurt those he loves, his wife and his children, for his own pleasure and well-being.

 

More like he cannot deal with the fallout, the reaction, the consquences, the losses, and eventually one day dealing with the fact that his wife will meet someone else and that someone else will be step dad to his children.

 

JJ you say there are 9 kids between the two of you, does this mean you're around his children as well sometimes?

[skywriter]

I've had countless "boink" moments since becoming involved with an already commited person.

 

It's so much better with an available guy, in every way.

 

I'm forever asking myself, "What was I thinking?"

[bentnotbroken]

And not all extramarital relationships are worth getting a divorce for anyway. Extramarital relationships are just like regular relationships in that sense. Some have the capacity to turn into deep long term relationships, and some don't.

 

 

They may be worth the divorce to the BS. But I forgot the BS doesn't have a say only the two participants who started the crap storm.

[bentnotbroken]

More like he cannot deal with the fallout, the reaction, the consquences, the losses, and eventually one day dealing with the fact that his wife will meet someone else and that someone else will be step dad to his children.

 

JJ you say there are 9 kids between the two of you, does this mean you're around his children as well sometimes?

 

 

That's exactly right. This is one of the things I find the most disturbing. Supporting a person who mentally abuses his wife and children by lying to them and neither of them have the backbone or integrity to give her the same options that they enjoy. Shouting from the rooftops of a anonymous forum isn't the same as being proud and shouting so his wife knows.

[xxoo]

And the long distance aspect actually serves to diminish the impact of "the illicit nature of the A". When we meet, he is all mine. He is with me 24/7. No going home. And the rest of the time, since he has his own company and spends most of his awake time at work, he is available to me all day and late evenings without any sense of secrecy.

 

So IMO we have a pretty normal long distance relationship, very little affected by the fact that he is married.

 

I understand that there may be people for whom the illicit nature of an affair is a thrill, but for me, like for many others who have posted in this thread, that is the setback, that is what we don't want. So please refrain from building arguments to prove that I support what I do not.

 

All this is your pov, as the single AP.

 

How is your relationship affected by the fact that his is married from HIS pov? His pov, and resultant behavior, will impact the entire dynamic, even if his wife is incidental to you.

[jlola]

First off thank you to the many of you who have shown empathy for my situation. It is heartfelt to see so many understand the damage infidelity can have on children and their lives. Too many people act like the kids don't matter or they are resilient or whatever. This selfish behavor is what takes these adult kids to therapy or make them unable to have loving trusting relatonships.

 

J-J, you have introduced this man to your daughters????????????? That takes the cake. My father used to do the same thing. But he would pretend the woman was just a friend or co-worker.

 

You know children learn by example. "Do as I say,not as I do" does not work. You are emotionally damaging these girls. They will get the message it is ok to interrupt with someone's marriage as long as he tells you it is not a good marriage. You say you have your own money? Then why are you in this situation? In my culture the role of mistress is ususally a woman without money who is looking for financial help. It is not ok even in that situation.

 

I'm sure if you one day married this man, you woould be heartbroken if he fell out of love with you and in love with another. But stayed around because he is such a good man. But I guess you think he would never do the same to you if you were together.

 

Your MM is so honest and good to his children. Or so he tells you. I have a friend who spoke to the ex-mistress once. The woman kept telling her SHE KNOWS he is a good father. He loves his daughter. He is a good man.

 

This same man yells at his chld and insults his wife. The other day he called my friend all kinds of names in front of the child. She went to school and later told her mother all she could hear in her head all day were the insults he hurled. This GOOD father is emotionally abusive to his family. I keep telling my friend to leave the situation. The daughter sayss she gets a knot in her stomach when she sees him.

 

Mr. "Good father" eventually left the affair. I imagine he told the woman he could not leave because he would feel guilty not taking care of his family. He should feel guilty of how he treats them.

 

He had once told the daughter about the mistress when they were together. Telling her how she would love her. This woman is a good woman. She would not try to replace her mother. The little girl still remembers this. But now, he is denying he ever said that to her.

 

People in affairs are selfish. They cannot see the hurt and damage caused to anyone else. They cannot stand to see it. Only the pleasure they receive. And if God forbid you point out the hurt,they will do anything to twist your words and make it seem as though you are the one with judgemental issues. I know. Between my father,my sister and my half sister, the spinning they do to justify their behavior makes you dizzy. Also none of these 3 think the kids are damaged. But both my sister's sons have issues due to their behavior.

[donnamaybe]

Jlola, I agree that a "good" parent wouldn't be having an affair in the first place. Additionally, though we aren't married, my sweety and I have been together for 5 1/2 years and have quite a "normal" relationship. We live together, share expenses, chores, hopes, and dreams etc. I would go under the knife and donate a kidney, bone marrow, whatever I could (providing we were a match, of course) to save my sweetheart, and he would do the same. I wouldn't have it any other way. If a guy won't even let go of another woman for you, would he let go of a vital organ for you? I would assume not. The BS would most certainly find out about the A if something like that went down.

 

So, yes. My "normal" relationship is far and away better than anything I could ever imagine an A to be - being hidden away and only seeing my man when it was convenient for him AND his family.

[Spark1111]

Bull. If that were true, he wouldn't be cheating.

 

Men stay for selfish reasons. They want their wife to play the role of wife, and want an OW for romance/sex.

 

And God FORBID they allow, through honesty, the wife to date an OM for romance and sex.

 

Never, ever happens, does it? Honest separation to explore those feelings for the OW, while allowing the wife the same romantic freedoms the MAP is enjoying.

 

That would be too adult, too altruistic, too equitable.

 

Most men could never, ever handle that scenario. What is good for the gander should NEVER be good for the goose.

[whichwayisup]

Is what you are describing, really an affair or a soap opera fantasy?

 

Probably abit of both. Sadly, all on the expense of the innocent and unknowing betrayed spouse. It's one thing for an OW or OM to settle and be fine with it, it's another when the MM or MW continually lies and lives a double life. FOR SO LONG! One day MM's wife will find out and I hope she kicks him out and divorces him.

[OWoman]

And God FORBID they allow, through honesty, the wife to date an OM for romance and sex.

 

Never, ever happens, does it? Honest separation to explore those feelings for the OW, while allowing the wife the same romantic freedoms the MAP is enjoying.

 

That would be too adult, too altruistic, too equitable.

 

Most men could never, ever handle that scenario. What is good for the gander should NEVER be good for the goose.

 

My H's xW attempted to make him jealous, telling him about "younger men" flirting with her and wanting to have sex with her. When he responded that he hoped she'd enjoyed the sex, she completely flipped! According to the friends who told me (who were present during that incident), she was outraged that he seemed so unconcerned at the prospect of her having sex with someone else. The friends - who knew about the A, and knew that he and she were not intimate - thought his response was perfectly reasonable: he was getting it elsewhere, she should be doing so too (if she wanted). But she clearly expected him to drive to the other end of the country and assault the "younger men" for wanting to have sex with his W... to show how possessive he was.

 

Sometimes the goose doesn't want what the gander has.

[donnamaybe]

My H's xW attempted to make him jealous, telling him about "younger men" flirting with her and wanting to have sex with her. When he responded that he hoped she'd enjoyed the sex, she completely flipped! According to the friends who told me (who were present during that incident), she was outraged that he seemed so unconcerned at the prospect of her having sex with someone else. The friends - who knew about the A, and knew that he and she were not intimate - thought his response was perfectly reasonable: he was getting it elsewhere, she should be doing so too (if she wanted). But she clearly expected him to drive to the other end of the country and assault the "younger men" for wanting to have sex with his W... to show how possessive he was.

 

Sometimes the goose doesn't want what the gander has.

This doesn't really correlate with the type of A Spark is talking about - the type where, as happens in MOST A cases, the AP is hidden and a secret from the BS. Your MM actually WANTED a full time R with you, unlike most A's where the AP is happily kept on the side by the WS.

[OWoman]

Is what you are describing, really an affair or a soap opera fantasy?

 

This is pretty ignorant!

 

I had a LDA for a number of years, too. It is not without challenge, but it was anything but a "soap opera fantasy".

 

Although the above-described scenario claims to be hypothetical, it's pretty clearly aimed at a specific poster here, with the intent of slagging her off. That's probably against the TOS. But even if it were hypothetical, it has sufficient commonality with facts (as listed by me) of my A at the time, and assumptions (made by other posters) about what was going on in my then-MM's head at the time, to have been something that could have been posted about my A a few years back. The implication here - as it was to me in many posts back then - is that "he will never leave".

 

I'm not saying that the MM being implied specifically here will - only time can tell on that - or that any other MM will; but mine did, despite the naysayers. They can, sometimes they do. Posts that try to paint a picture that they NEVER leave, especially if it is LDA and especially if there are kids, are both misinformed and inaccurate. Rather, they should be honest that they SOMETIMES leave, and that OWs are well-advised to hold the possibility in their hearts that their own MMs may not leave, and to consider whether the journey itself is worthwhile irrespective of whether or not it arrives at their dream destination.

[xxoo]

This doesn't really correlate with the type of A Spark is talking about - the type where, as happens in MOST A cases, the AP is hidden and a secret from the BS. Your MM actually WANTED a full time R with you, unlike most A's where the AP is happily kept on the side by the WS.

 

Right. There certainly are couples who conclude that they want each other as a spouse and a coparent, but not as lovers--and mutually grant each other the freedom to seek that elsewhere. That DOES happen.

 

But, much more commonly the WS seeks the sex and romance in secret, denying their partner the freedom to do the same. They want the spouse to stay exactly where they are, and they want the AP for romance and sex. Mmm, yummy cake.