Stepson Evicted From Nest??

[DaisyLeigh]

I think Green's parents must be the happy fulfilled ones.. They allowed their son a childhood, while still producing a successful young man..

 

Some on here seem to be stuck on the Big "20" .. and as the father, with wringing their hands - and Projecting: ohhh .. what happens when he is 35? .. Still no reason for eviction at this time - in a so-called "family" environment.

 

 

Those of us who expect our kids to do household chores, along with having other responsibilities, are in NO WAY denying them a childhood. We are teaching them how to become independent and self-sufficient. We are teaching them that you must work hard to get what you want in life and that nothing comes easy. I assure you, my boys get plenty of playtime and fun things to do.

 

Thankfully, my mother taught me these lessons before she got to younger brother, who was never taught anything about becoming a self-sufficient dult, and who is still being supported and coddled by her at age 37. I am not saying that this is what will happen to this young man, but it is a possibility if he is never expected to grow up.

[Green]

Those of us who expect our kids to do household chores, along with having other responsibilities, are in NO WAY denying them a childhood. We are teaching them how to become independent and self-sufficient. We are teaching them that you must work hard to get what you want in life and that nothing comes easy. I assure you, my boys get plenty of playtime and fun things to do.

 

Thankfully, my mother taught me these lessons before she got to younger brother, who was never taught anything about becoming a self-sufficient dult, and who is still being supported and coddled by her at age 37. I am not saying that this is what will happen to this young man, but it is a possibility if he is never expected to grow up.

 

This isn't about doing chores... its about a step father who wants to kick out his 20 year old son basicaly because he has no job.

[DaisyLeigh]

This isn't about doing chores... its about a step father who wants to kick out his 20 year old son basicaly because he has no job.

 

Oh come on. That is all you get from this thread?

 

There is a LOT more to it.

[califnan]

I feel a real responsibility for my family .. My sons may have come from God, but they came through me ..

 

I take great pride that as a single woman I will hold my family together and be there for them .. that includes my mother, sons, grandson..

[DaisyLeigh]

I feel a real responsibility for my family .. My sons may have come from God, but they came through me ..

 

I take great pride that as a single woman I will hold my family together and be there for them .. that includes my mother, sons, grandson..

 

You can be there for your family and still teach them to become independent, responsible adults.

[quankanne]

I don' think your wife has the guts to throw him out, and I think your step-son knows it. Without her support, you're in a losing battle. You two need a counselor. She has divorced parent guilt and needs to come to terms with the fact that her kid is being destroyed by her inability to discipline.

 

so true – it's so NOT about Mean Step-Daddy trying to Kick Out Pobrecito Stepson, but giving the little weasel a swift kick in the keister and telling him the free ride is over. That because he's an adult, he needs to act like one, not a selfish adolescent. Babying him doesn't do ANYone good.

[califnan]

 

so true – it's so NOT about Mean Step-Daddy trying to Kick Out Pobrecito Stepson, but giving the little weasel a swift kick in the keister and telling him the free ride is over. That because he's an adult, he needs to act like one, not a selfish adolescent. Babying him doesn't do ANYone good.

 

----------------------

 

You're awful..

 

At any rate, I would hope that this thread may have slowed down the OP a little.

 

And if he does evict his wife's son out of the home, I hope there is an update..

[quankanne]

nan, I'm just as protective of the kids in my family as their own mamas are, but there's a point where common sense kicks in, and the kid realizes that it's not normal ... or right ... to be taking advantage of his/her family. That he/she is an adult and needs to step up to the plate.

 

the more you share about your children leads me to believe that you were blessed with some really mature, loving, respectful sons who understood that they needed to do their part in order to help make things run more smoothly at home. And it's something every home should strive for, whether it's one that's the original family, a divorced family or a blended family.

 

OP has cause to be frustrated because he sees what it's doing to his wife and to their marriage. He definitely doesn't need to take the heavy hand with the kid as some posters believe he wants, but needs to do something so that respect is instilled in the house. When his wife's son figures that out, he'll get off his duff and be a productive part of the household. Not so much in the physical sense but in the psychological one ...

 

that's all I'm trying to point out with my posts, even when they *do* sound like tough love. Kids respond to different stimuli, and what works for one might not work for another.

[califnan]

I appreciate your comment and thoughts Quankanne.

 

And you are correct, I have been blessed with hardworking, responsible, Loyal sons.

 

At the time of my divorce about 24 years ago, I started seeing my sons veer off track a little. I reeled myself in first - they were acting out because of my problems and the divorce.. At the same time, they had a friend whose parents were going through the same as we were, with a divorce.. Their son had been on drugs even beforehand and couldn't catch up. To this day, he still isn't right..

 

I do believe in family values and loyalty above all. And I don't think that some of the anger on here for this 20 year old, has been at all appropriate.

 

The step father has said that the young man has been the crux of all of their arguments, and he is more than a little resentful for the whole thing.. Enough said.. I still don't think he should get involved. But as I have said before, I would not be paying for $8,000. extended schooling either..

[ShadowBlue]

Well, it's 5/1. I'm interested in finding out the outcome of this.

[DaisyLeigh]

Well, it's 5/1. I'm interested in finding out the outcome of this.

 

 

I bet that not one thing has changed. The OP gets shaft.

[Green]

I bet that not one thing has changed. The OP gets shaft.

 

I really don't see how the OP gets the shaft if his step-son continues to live under their roof. He can take certain things into his own hands like anoying his stepson until he gets a job.

[califnan]

I really don't see how the OP gets the shaft if his step-son continues to live under their roof. He can take certain things into his own hands like anoying his stepson until he gets a job.

 

-------------------

 

I agree. Family is a Blessing .. not a curse.

[Green]

-------------------

 

I agree. Family is a Blessing .. not a curse.

 

I hope your words on here get through to people, I really discourage the hatefull way people look at the family on this site. It's like ancient SPARTA here

[califnan]

I hope your words on here get through to people, I really discourage the hatefull way people look at the family on this site. It's like ancient SPARTA here

 

--------------------

 

Green,

 

If you think this is bad, you should see my abortion thread. People will think of any reason they can that a woman should put her own needs ahead of birthing that child that is growing inside of her.. Including that of minimizing the existance of this little innocent human .. Including that of bashing the opponents of abortion.

[Eve]

OP, I only got to page four so sorry if this advice has already been said by someone else.

 

I have four teens that include two stepsons. Even my fifteen year old has a job as a babysitter! We found that with a couple of our teens we had to 'encourage' them to get a job by not paying for something that was important to them from a certain date. But this was easy for us to apply because Hubby and I are on the same page with regard to parenting and support each other 100%.

 

Overall, I think that the young person needs to be directly involved in any further conversations about the future and any plans should be in support of him finishing his education foremostly. Part of me is not sure that you have done the right thing in not parenting the child directly but I understand your frustration to some extent. Never the less you are still a lead parent here.

 

Never wait for kids to appreciate you. They are for the most part unable to do so until they look back in years to come.

 

I cant see any way around his not doing anything in the house because your Wife is not strong enough to see things through. I think you have to disconnct from his laziness and accept that he is still very young in his mind and is using the home as a twelve year old would. At very least I would still 'encourage' him to do a few hours of voluntary work for his CV for when he leaves home... if he refuses, withdraw money for something he cares about.

 

I would find the situation maddening and worrying all at the same time and dont think I could have lasted as long as you have.

 

No, I wouldnt put up with it. I would rather have twenty arguements and thrash out and resolve the issue once and for all - even enlisting a family therapist, rather than put up with any situation I am unhappy with within the home. Sometimes things have to get blown up in order for them to be sorted. As long as the central aim is the kids welfare.. personally I wouldnt let it rest.

 

Hope you find a resolution that benfits the whole family.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Edited May 3, 2010 by Eve

[donnamaybe]

My sweety's son was going to college full time and working part time from the time he finished high school. He paid for half the living expenses while he lived with his dad. Why? Because dad wanted him to learn to be responsible with his money while he was still there to catch him if he fell, as well as to teach him the value of a dollar. He was also expected to keep his own room clean and wash the dishes. He is now 22 and lives 150 miles away and is getting ready to go for his masters.

 

Get it? He TAUGHT him something. If the OP's step-son wasn't so lazy and did some house chores; made SOME kind of effort to do something - ANYTHING - besides lay around and play video games when he wasn't at his few hours of school a day (poor overworked little boy ), this thread probably wouldn't even exist.

[DaisyLeigh]

My sweety's son was going to college full time and working part time from the time he finished high school. He paid for half the living expenses while he lived with his dad. Why? Because dad wanted him to learn to be responsible with his money while he was still there to catch him if he fell, as well as to teach him the value of a dollar. He was also expected to keep his own room clean and wash the dishes. He is now 22 and lives 150 miles away and is getting ready to go for his masters.

 

Get it? He TAUGHT him something. If the OP's step-son wasn't so lazy and did some house chores; made SOME kind of effort to do something - ANYTHING - besides lay around and play video games when he wasn't at his few hours of school a day (poor overworked little boy ), this thread probably wouldn't even exist.

 

 

Exactly my point. Some of the posts on here read like God Forbid you expect your kids to do anything except flop on the couch playing video games, and maybe going to classes a couple of hours per day. As if it is abuse to expect household chores and maybe a few bucks for rent out of them.

 

I don't understand it. Part of good parenting is teaching your children how to become productive and self-sufficient adults.

[2sunny]

any update? it is now May 3rd...

[Green]

With this guys Eviction approach to the problem my guess is UPDATE: nothing has changed.

 

He needs a different approach

[Kenyth]

 

If he doesn't do the dishes, serve his meal on a dirty plate.

 

QUOTE]

 

-------------------

 

Some reasoning. People's animals get treated better..

 

Animals will happily eat off soiled dishes, because they don't know any better. Animals also seem to be a little better at listening than this guys kid.

 

That doesn't mean the kid has to eat it that way. That's not the intent. Disgusting him is the intent. Once he does the dishes, preferably right then and there, then give him a meal on a clean freshly washed plate.

 

Not to mention that was more of an idle brainstorming thought than a final plan. The final plan is to come up with a punishment/reward system that makes him very uncomfortable while being lazy, removes his escape mechanisms, and rewards him handsomely when acting in an appropriate manner.

 

What's your take? Let him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants until he thinks he maybe ought to do something with his life? Isn't that called enabling? You let your kids live at home until they were in their 30's? You think that's normal and healthy? I'm sorry, but I don't. I'm sure there is a lot of love involved in your ideas, but it's simply not the best solution for most people.

 

My kid from my first marriage happily ran to his mom's multiple living arrangements over the years rather than deal with the discipline at our stable, but firm handed, suburban home. I quickly became the @$$#0!3 for not letting him run around when and where he wanted, keeping tabs on him while he was out, not letting girls sleep over, etc.

 

His mother loves him, but didn't/doesn't put the smackdown on him when needed. Probably guilt from the divorce? The result? He failed/skipped most of his HS classes until he was almost two years behind, got his girlfriend pregnant, dropped out of school, and is living with his mom while working occasional temporary construction gopher jobs. He doesn't have a car, or a plan for life. Self discipline and self motivation are unknown skills to him. Granted, things could be worse (no drugs), but all he really needed was a firm guiding hand when it mattered and he could have been something better. Now, he will have a great deal of misery to deal with before things get better, and there is my grandchild being brought into a bad environment. I am completely broken hearted over it.

[quankanne]

all he really needed was a firm guiding hand when it mattered

 

and I think this is the message OP's wife needed to understand: She's not doing her family – especially her son – any favors by refusing to set boundaries or teach him how to respect her authority. The sad part is that the family suffers, not the truant child.

[califnan]

Green and I were in agreement that we didn't believe in eviction for a family member.

 

And I thought the stepson's underlying problems should have been addressed, rather than the punishment from the OP and others on here.

 

On my abortion thread I saw posters who were all for baby killing but who thought that as long as people did other good things (according to their own moral compass), then that made things alright.. And in completely ignorring the original vital issue.

 

I have known of familys who keep other family members who are in ill health, or would be on the street otherwise.. These families are the ones who are blessed by God.

 

It is not for us to fidget, or to dream up punishments concerning others so close to us ..

[califnan]

On this Mother's Day, I am greatful that the woman such as the wife of the OP, hung in there for her son ..

[sally4sara]

On this Mother's Day, I am greatful that the woman such as the wife of the OP, hung in there for her son ..

 

You don't get it. Likely can't.

 

This kid's mother has NOT hung in there for him. She maintains her relationship with him by letting him be helpless, useless, and dependent on her because he cannot do anything - eat, sleep under a roof, or leave the house clothed without her. So afraid of loosing him, she has stunted him.

 

It is not an act of love. He does not stay because of love or family unity. He stays because he has nothing else and no skills to be an adult member of his own family. Your sons are able to have their own life and get to choose their relationship with you of their own free will. The OP's kid doesn't have this option. And it is disgusting. He is no better than a dog who does a trick or two to get fed. That is not love. Not out of the mother or the son.