Stepson Evicted From Nest??

[pureinheart]

--------------------

 

My sons are 42 .. There are no words to express how wonderful they are.. I believe they have turned out this way by the grace of GOD .. And yes, if they were ever in trouble they could live with me indefinitely.. That is what families are for!

 

After reading and hearing of diff step parents' war stories, that is one reason for not remarrying .. as my sons hearts would always come first..

 

As for your other post above.. "he needs you to be the bad guy" .. Not. There are enough "bad guys" in this world without it slopping into the family 'unit' ..

 

Hmmm I wonder if there is a difference between evicting family members and teaching people things? Can you explain what getting evicted teaches you?

 

I was never evicted, I CHOSE to leave, I actually lived at home with FAMILY for over a year after I graduated college RENT FREE. My guess is that I am more sucessful then 100% of the people on here that have no family values. Who EVICTS family, who SUES family. I believe in discipline and respect and hard work ect.... I don't believe in EVICTING FAMILY.

 

To say what you did to another poster on this site whos views you disagree with shows how little RESPECT you have.

 

These are very good replies.

 

I was never "evicted" either...and lived rent free while going to college also. My mother and father were very generous with me, and now I am generous to my kids and grandkids...

 

My son hit hard times and is living with me now...and I saw something about CN coddling her kids...I bet they coddle her, just like my kids do.

 

My son is helping me with my giant keepsake (my moms house that I inherited)...my daughter is moving back in (YEAH!!!!) with my three grandkids and I am just on cloud nine to have them back. She is going to save some money to purchase a home closer to me.

 

Actually we coddle each other.

 

I tell you, there is nothing like waking up to my little guys (and newest little girl):D:D:D:D

 

I was raised in a really big family and we all stuck together...friends also, I have a ton of friends that I grew up with and we are all stuck together...my daughters in-laws, which are my family too is a REALLY big family. I tell you our in-laws...when mom speaks you can hear a pin drop, and when she even gives a thought of needing some one to jump...they've already done it. I have never seen so much respect.

 

There's never any drama, if there are differences everybody sits down and they get one of my 5-6 hour lectures...so this doesn't happen too much...lol...my kids avoid it at all costs!

 

I disiplined my kids, in fact the fear of God was a well known slogan in my home.

 

My kids are successful as their hearts are right, they are very respectful and they don't litter!

[califnan]

Pure, I know from your testimony that you are a blessing of God to your family, and that they - and He will continue to Bless you.

[turnera]

It seems as though, those people who are against him giving the manchild an ultimatum have totally skipped over the the fact that this kid STEALS from the home. I believe that being a THIEF is not only illegal, but is spoken against in the Bible. What fool steals and doesnt expect consequences? What moron steals from the hands that feed, clothe, and house them and not expect the heads of the household to protect said house?

 

Anyway, great going Lin! I, for one, am totally behind your actions. There is no pretty way past this.

 

I have a couple of thoughts too. He seems to not have many chores around the house. And I know he blows them off, but perhaps here's a few things to try, which will also make like uncomfy for him, which I know is part of your goal to kick him into gear to take control of his life. Since, deadlines for chores has never worked in the past as you said, adopt the NOW attitude--ie, you wake him, interrupt his gameplay and say, "come with me do this now." Deadlines are pointless for him--he has no motivation.:

 

1. Stop enabling his long sleeping hours and hours of video gameplay without interruption. If he is asleep when you or your wife start a chore and he could help (hell, he can help with ALL chores around the house now. He IS grown afterall), wake him up.

 

It's especially important now since the summer days are coming and he can have countless hours to sleep on the couch and play his games. For example:

 

a. Stop washing his clothes. Make him do his own g*ddamn laundry.

 

b.Make him assist in meal prep. He is 20, old enough to hold a knife and dice vegetables. If he doesn't know how, he needs to learn to cook as part of self care when he IS out on his own. --remember to reward him with how great the meal is that he helped! that he will be a good cook someday if he keeps it up.--

 

c. He accompanies whomever to the grocery store. Send him on one end of the store to pick up things while you or the wife get stuff on the other end ---reward him with praise on how much faster it went and how easier it was to carry them in with his help--. Make him help put the groceries away too.

 

d. When you start to do yard work, tell him to come with you and help.

 

e. Don't continue to allow the house to be cleaned around his prone and sleeping body if that has been the case thus far. When someone starts housework he have him up right THEN to chip in --same rewards as above--

 

2. Don't buy him anymore clothes, video games, or other nonessentials. Basically, just feed him and that's it. If he needs an outfit to start a job or to go to interviews obviously it is in his best interest to do that. Obviously at this point, you still need to support supplies for school. We he starts hurting for new jeans and a good pair of kicks, he'll find a way to do it himself.

 

Hell, I'd even go so far as to say have him accompany whomever takes the younger kids school shopping along for the ride. He won't get anything, of course, but that is the motivation. And hey--if he can come up with the money for the rent the last 2 months, he sure as damn well will find a way to support his video game habit and need for new clothes.

 

All I'm saying is: don't let him nap in peace anymore or play his games for hours without interruption. Keep him busy all day or evening as much as you can. At least on weekends when you are both not working.

 

Most importantly, when he does do things, thank him and tell him it was appreciated (even though you really didn't give him a choice), tell him what a good job he's done.

 

Great on everything you've done so far Lin! Please keep the updates coming.

QFT.

 

We just had our friends' 19 year old son 'run away' to our house this week, and we adults all sat down with him last night to discuss his 'grievances' (he was mad because they said they would take away his 'stuff' that he paid for for arguing with them and not doing his chore - cleaning his room - and treated him like a kid). We were halfway through it before I found out he had just failed the past two semesters at college! I nearly choked! I said 'Do you realize what would have happened if you'd been at MY house when you failed? I would have removed your phone, your tv, your two computers, your handhelds, your EVERYTHING, until you went another semester with nothing lower than a C. That means 7 more months of your life doing what I tell you to do and with nothing to bide your time but good old fashioned books and cards and board games.'

 

Geesh.

 

They, too, have the same issues - up til 3 am, sleeps til noon, the only chores he does is his room, his own laundry and sometimes clean the kitchen, mows the yard. Spends at least 10 hours a day on the computer. But guess what? THEY allowed it!

 

They saw, after last night, what they should have been doing, and he's now going home to a much stricter environment.

[candymoon]

...when mom speaks you can hear a pin drop, and when she even gives a thought of needing some one to jump...they've already done it. I have never seen so much respect.

 

I disiplined my kids, in fact the fear of God was a well known slogan in my home.

 

 

I think this is precisely what I was getting at with my long post:

 

Discipline and Respect are what's missing with Lin's SS. I fear it may actually be too late as Disciple should be instilled from birth and the respect is earned over time...

 

Again, no quick fix. There is a very long road ahead with this kid and family.

[pureinheart]

Here`s my story…

 

Married 10 years first marriage for both

Me 43 years old

Wife 39 years old

2 Boys 17 & 20 (My stepsons)

1 Girl 9 (My biological daughter with present wife.)

 

Both my wife and I come from homes with stepfathers.

Mine was a bad experience and I ultimately intentionally caused my mother to divorce my stepfather.

My wife’s experience with her stepfather was better as she realizes he was the only stability she had when growing up.

 

From these experiences we have different ideas of the situation a stepparent is in.

Mine of course is a more intimate understanding.

 

Our first year of marriage was a bit rough considering I was the only one to ever discipline the boys.

I did so fairly, firmly, and compassionately yet it still caused tension in my marriage.

I disciplined prior to marriage and it was well received by my wife, as it almost seemed she was relieved to finally have some help.

However after the marriage, over some time I could tell it was creating stress in our relationship.

 

At this point I disengaged myself from parenting the boys as my options were…

 

1-Parent the boys and lose my marriage/family (Boys learn nothing everyone suffers)

2-Disengage and keep my marriage/family (Boys learn nothing no one else suffers)

 

I chose option two; I disengaged from parenting the boys.

 

Disengaging from parenting the boys meant that I would have to simply accept a very large amount of **** and live with it.

I have done this for ten years; I am reaching the end of my rope.

I hold more than a little resentment over the whole thing.

 

My marriage has been most excellent, very happy, very loving, very supportive of each other.

I could not say this about my marriage if I hadn’t disengaged from parenting the boys.

This is simply a fact.

 

My problem is with the oldest boy who is now 20.

My wife and I have been on him to get a job for the past three years.

At first only mildly (He was only 17) as time went by we became more insistent.

 

He had to be forced/pulled/prodded/threatened to get his license and GED.

Junior year he had a 1.34 grade point average he was never going to graduate so we made him get a GED.

 

This boy has no motivation to do ANYTHING.

 

I have honestly never met a person so intent on the destruction of their life through self imposed disinterest.

He will do nothing unless an unreal amount of energy is expended by myself or his mother to get him to do it.

From washing the dishes to going to school (Tech school) he will fail if not supported/motivated/hand held by us.

He lies and he steals (little things) and then lies about stealing them.

He sits on the couch day in day out all day playing video games and surfing the net and has done this for years due to my disengagement.

 

These boys are the only things my wife and I have ever had an argument about.

This is not an exaggeration, the eldest boy is the crux of almost every disagreement we’ve ever had.

 

My wife is a strong street-smart intelligent independent woman who seriously takes no **** from anyone.

However she melts into the most naïve clueless little wretch the moment it is even implied this boy is manipulating or lying to her EVEN WHEN SHE KNOWS FOR A FACT HE IS DOING SO!

She will accept any bull**** story from him no matter how unbelievable it may be.

 

As I’ve said, we’ve been on this boy to get a job and get motivated about starting his adult life for 3 years.

For three years there has always been some excuse about why he can’t get a job.

Why this interview fell through why that job didn’t pan out.

Three years of bull**** excuses so lame I began to believe he was sabotaging his own chances at employment.

 

My wife has slowly been coming around to accept the fact that her kid is on the path to a difficult, depressing, trouble filled life if he doesn’t get his **** together.

We’ve had some discussions where she wasn’t so defensive of him and actually in agreement with my assessment of his situation.

My assessment is that the boy is ****ed if he doesn’t get his **** together and quickly.

My wife agreed with this assessment a few months ago.

 

So I slowly kept pushing the issue little bit by little bit to test her reaction and when I saw she may finally be waking up to the reality of his life and the way he lives it I floated an idea.

 

I asked her what she thought about giving him a fair amount of time to start paying us $300.00 a month rent or leave the house.

I told her we could take his $300.00 every month and stash it for him so he can see how money accumulates when saved and he`ll have enough for a car or apartment within a year (without his knowledge of course)

 

I chose this idea of him paying rent or getting out because it leaves him no wiggle room.

No room to bull**** his mother as he does when we get on him about finding work.

She agreed to this ultimatum , I waited and prodded her to go through with this idea for another month.

 

At one point she seemed to go into remission and told me I should be the one to give him this ultimatum.

She was withdrawing from the idea.

 

I stalled and kept gently prodding her as I wanted her to own this situation.

I wanted her to be the one to at least sit down with me and speak to him together.

I knew if I simply told him to give me $300.00 or get out it would be thrown back in my face somewhere down the road in a form of resentment.

It would be my fault; I would be the one who threw her eldest son to the wolves.

I wouldn’t have that; I wouldn’t endure years of this kids bull**** to keep my marriage secure to throw it all away on something like that at the endgame.

 

We had set a date for when he had to pay or leave but hadn’t told him yet.

She kept putting it off until I told her we were only hurting him as every day we didn’t tell him was another day he had lost.

Remember, at least intellectually she was in agreement with this plan.

At this statement she suddenly found a backbone and told me she would tell him herself and she did the next day.

 

She informed the boy that he had to pay rent ($300.00) or leave in two months.

That D-Day is coming up the first of May in just a few days.

 

The boy has had two whole months (March & April) to assess his situation and begin to work on what he needs to do in order to keep a roof over his head..

He has done NOTHING.

He goes to school at 11:00AM is home by 3:00PM and spends the entirety of almost every day sitting on the couch playing games/internet/sleeping.

 

I have enlisted the help of his brother who doesn`t want to see him thrown out and the younger boy is now attempting to motivate the older brother to get off his ass.

The only job searching the boy has done has been at the insistence/manipulations of his younger brother and that isn`t much.

So, we have gone from his parents motivating him to now his brother motivating him but the cycle is still the same.

 

I`m going to talk to him tonight to reiterate the fact that we`re dead serious about him paying rent or being out on the first of May.

But his mother is starting to waver the closer it gets to D-Day she seems to be reverting back to the old gullible wretch she has been throughout the boys life.

I feel she won`t stand strong when the first of the month gets here and he has to leave.

This will cause unknowable resentment from me within our marriage.

 

Any advice on what I can do to keep my wifes spine in place throughout this difficult time?

Any advice or thoughts on this whole novel would be appreciated if you actually took the time to read it.

 

Thanks.

 

In bold: this is what I have heard to do throughout the years (it is recommened by most councelors), also I lived it...both my parents married others and therefore I had two stepparents...my stepdad never said a cross word to me and when my mom was going to kill me (lol, not really), he would intervine without my knowledge, meaning he would converse with my mom concerning the matter.

 

Both my parents took their prospective roles as parents and did a very good job considering all they went through. My dad was extremely intelligent and always knew the right words...he was not controlling in any way shape or form...and as it has turned out, he was right concerning all of his councel. My mom put the fear of God in me...you didn't talk back to mom, period. My mom was way cool and now I realise I was her little doll to dress up and make her look good...it was not good for me if I didnot make her look good, meaning being disrespectful and such, she enjoyed showing me off just like I do my kids and grandkids.

 

Kids are scared today, the world has become a battle ground as well as the workplace...I really sense a lot of fear, if he could overcome that I think he would enjoy the workplace.

 

It's funny, when my son (oldest) was 16 I got his report card in the mail...straight F's with an A in citizenship....I was pissed and told him to go get a job...well he went to go find a job and got picked up for truancy...I went clear up to the Superintendent of Schools and said WTH????? I told him to get a job...they said you can't do that...I said he's my kid, why not? He wanted to live with his dad for a bit (which worked because he was not in the system) and he ended up working for a co making more money than me:confused:....he then got his diploma via the Navy and after the Navy went to a high end trade school.

 

It will work out...my advice would be to let it go, if his mother is ok with it and you love her and want to be with her...just love her kid...you know I bet the minute you let it go things will start happening.

 

This is one of the reasons I am not with my last bf (exDM), after thinking I really wouldn't be able to hasndle his kids and we'ed end up splitting up anyway...his kids have zero respect and home girl would not do well with that;).

 

Hey my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family....

[pureinheart]

I think this is precisely what I was getting at with my long post:

 

Discipline and Respect are what's missing with Lin's SS. I fear it may actually be too late as Disciple should be instilled from birth and the respect is earned over time...

 

Again, no quick fix. There is a very long road ahead with this kid and family.

 

Agreed...and there might be some jealousy towards their little girl...little girls are cute and cuddly. Sibling rivalry is possibly a major factor. My daughter has it with her kids and she gets frustrated, and that is one big reason I'm glad they're moving in with me, as I am a major influence in their lives.

 

I wonder if there is an a family member that has influence that could possibly help...In this world both people have to work (usually) and it is soooo hard...I wanted soooo many times to pretend it wasn't there, BUT lecture time till 2 am in the morning when needed.

 

I know it mostlikely gets on the OP's last nerve, although I think once he lets go, that might be the thing to change this dynamic...mom is spending too much time defending him(I imagine, as this is usually the case), feeling bad(possibly some unresolved guilt) causing her not to be the authoritarian she needs to be.

 

Family counceling...personally I prayed over my kids all of the time also...

[pureinheart]

Pure, I know from your testimony that you are a blessing of God to your family, and that they - and He will continue to Bless you.

 

 

Backatcha!!!!!!! (((((((((hugs)))))))) Your sons are soooo lucky to have you.

 

To the OP'er, we got through it didn't we CN....all of us have and you will too, stand in there and know that you know all will be well with you.

 

Ten years from now you'll be thinking back to the hardship and how it all got worked out....

[fooled once]

Hmmm I wonder if there is a difference between evicting family members and teaching people things? Can you explain what getting evicted teaches you?

 

I was never evicted, I CHOSE to leave, I actually lived at home with FAMILY for over a year after I graduated college RENT FREE. My guess is that I am more sucessful then 100% of the people on here that have no family values. Who EVICTS family, who SUES family. I believe in discipline and respect and hard work ect.... I don't believe in EVICTING FAMILY.

 

To say what you did to another poster on this site whos views you disagree with shows how little RESPECT you have.

 

Are you kidding?

 

I paid rent after leaving college and guess what, I moved out at 22 and have NEVER accepted or NEEDED a dime from my parents my entire life. I am very successful and have raised an incredibly independent son.

 

Who are you to decide who has family values? Only those that agree with you?

 

I really wouldn't start tossing stones at others for disrespect Your responses to the OP and those of us that agree with him haven't been as nice as you would like to think. We believe in different things and my way, which is different than your way, doesn't mean you are better or more successful than I am.

 

Getting evicted means being removed for non-payment of rent. In case you didn't know this - it happens all over the place. Do you think it is fair to the people who allow those to live in their homes/apartments for $$ to just allow the person to say there after not paying rent? do you think only certain people should have to pay rent?

 

In the OP's post, it was decided that the adult had to pay rent. The adult accepted that agreement. If rent is not paid, the adult is evicted. It is called life. No different than buying a car or a house. If you accept the responsibility and agree to the terms, and you unilaterally decide to NOT pay the agreed upon amount at the agreed upon time, what do you think should happen? Should banks just turn a blind eye to the person for the money owed? IF this happened, our economy would be even WORSE than it is.

 

If you accept the terms, you are to be held accountable for the lack of payments. Heck, in this case, the parents were choosing to hold that money for the adult - to 'help' him for when he finally moved out. NO parent is under any obligation to continue to pay for a lazy, unmotivated adult. it is the parents job to raise the child to be self sufficient. Some kids 'get it' more than other and earlier than others. If the OP did what some on here suggest - to coddle him and just let him stay rent free - he will NEVER move out or LEARN how to be independent. I mean, look at this kids life? He has chosen to do nothing with it, he has no motivation, to desire to do anything. Should the parents support him for the rest of his life? Why? When is enough enough?

 

What about the rest of society? We have enough of these type of 'adults' - I don't think we need more. How is that fair to the rest of us to have these free loaders expecting continual handouts? Should that adult also be able to apply for food stamps and welfare because it is just too much of a hassle to support himself?

 

You may disagree -- but you should also stop telling us how much better you are than the rest of us because you were enabled. Instead of being proud of the fact that you freeloaded off your family for a YEAR after graduating college, you should, IMHO, be kinda ashamed or at least embarrassed that at 21/22 years old, you needed your parents to support you.

 

Not one PARENT here has said if their adult kid needed help we would turn our backs on our kids. Not one. But those of us who support the OP also said we would not enable or coddle our kids to be free loaders Some people think by 20/21, kids should be more independent than some others believe. Some believe that there is no age requirement for independence and the ability to support themselves.

 

And unless you have been a parent IN this situation - and bonus points for being a STEP parent in this situation - you really don't know how you would react. Try dealing with a step kid who is lazier than an old dog, smokes dope in your home, refuses to get a job, dropped out of high school, eats you out of house and home, trashes the house, leaves dirty disgusting dishes in his room (even after you asked him to walk up 1 flight of stairs and put them in the kitchen - not even the dishwasher!), cusses you out if you ask him to help out -- see how quick you are to think this adult should continue living in your home rent free Guarantee you will pull your hair out quicker than I did. I allowed it to go on for 3 months before pulling the plug.

[califnan]

While you are climbing up and down Green ..

 

I don't think he has ever intimated that he wouldn't pridefully raise his child in a respectful parenting manner.. He has merely illustrated that he has family values that stop at eviction ..

 

There are those parents among us who wish the best for our children, while not counting off the years ready to pounce with the rent payment .. (So he sold his vehicle to satisfy the rent payment - so what) ..

 

Be as angry as you wish for what is going on in the world with people and their obligations toward purchases.

 

A few just don't go for the mean so-called 'tough love' approach ..

[candymoon]

How come no one addresses the kid's thievery and lying?

For me, it all became moot after the OP mentioned the stealing bit. You can never trust a thief or a liar in your home even if said thief/liar is flesh and blood. We'd all be really livid if it our own jewelry or hard earned cash that turns up missing, right from your drawers and jewelery boxes... especially if those things were going to pay rent or food or supplies for the younger children that month. How terrible!

 

Only unhealthy enablers would support that behavior.

[pureinheart]

How come no one addresses the kid's thievery and lying?

For me, it all became moot after the OP mentioned the stealing bit. You can never trust a thief or a liar in your home even if said thief/liar is flesh and blood. We'd all be really livid if it our own jewelry or hard earned cash that turns up missing, right from your drawers and jewelery boxes... especially if those things were going to pay rent or food or supplies for the younger children that month. How terrible!

 

Only unhealthy enablers would support that behavior.

 

Hi CM,

 

I don't think anyone has supported that behavior...9 kids out of 10 lie and steal, one or the other...kids get into trouble, kids and young adults do much they shouldn't...I think one deals WITH that issue and not kick them out.

 

I hope you can forgive me, although I am especially partial to teens and young adults, they are drawn to me and I am mom to about 50+ of them...so with that have a little experience with "wayward" kids...FTR, the kid in question here isn't that bad...I have seen MUCH worse.

 

Given the sitch her it's not unusual for the lying and stealing, in fact it is a given...he is acting out much aggression in this manor. A stepparent is hard for especially the oldest sibling to deal with...usually they are very confrontational...it sounds like this is confrontational in a passive way...he in essense is rebelling.

 

Not knowing much concerning this matter, it is difficult to give any ideas as far as dealing with it...I'd have to be there to see how he ticks and go from there.

 

I always got into my kids head to find out what was going on, how do they think, what will their next move be....I studied and analyzed them.

 

This family needs counceling, not eviction.

Edited June 8, 2010 by pureinheart

[donnamaybe]

Hmmm I wonder if there is a difference between evicting family members and teaching people things? Can you explain what getting evicted teaches you?

 

I was never evicted, I CHOSE to leave, I actually lived at home with FAMILY for over a year after I graduated college RENT FREE. My guess is that I am more sucessful then 100% of the people on here that have no family values. Who EVICTS family, who SUES family. I believe in discipline and respect and hard work ect.... I don't believe in EVICTING FAMILY.

 

To say what you did to another poster on this site whos views you disagree with shows how little RESPECT you have.

 

Did the kid get evicted, I have to ask ONCE AGAIN?! It was the THREAT of such that finally got him off his arse. IF it had come to that, I'm betting he would've been home with his tail between his legs after less than a week, and the situation would STILL have been solved.

 

Your "one-size-fits-all" parenting methods do NOT work for every child.

[fooled once]

While you are climbing up and down Green ..

 

I don't think he has ever intimated that he wouldn't pridefully raise his child in a respectful parenting manner.. He has merely illustrated that he has family values that stop at eviction ..

 

There are those parents among us who wish the best for our children, while not counting off the years ready to pounce with the rent payment .. (So he sold his vehicle to satisfy the rent payment - so what) ..

 

Be as angry as you wish for what is going on in the world with people and their obligations toward purchases.

 

A few just don't go for the mean so-called 'tough love' approach ..

 

Once again, YOU are putting down those of us that parent differently. You call it mean, you call it 'tough love'. talk to any counselor, any professional and they will all agree - you do NOT coddle or enable young adults. You teach them responsibility and independence.

 

I wish the best for my son and I am very proud of the young man he is. I didn't ever count off the years/months for him to pay rent. I didn't need his rent to make my mortgage payment but it was my JOB to teach him HOW to budget and manage money.

 

My rules were after HS graduation, you either go to college or you work full time. AFTER a set amount of time, it would be decided between the adults and the young adult if rent was to be paid and if rent was paid, what that meant.

 

I am against parents who coddle their adult kids and teach them that life is a free ride. I am against not teaching kids how to be adults. I am sick of young adults who are rude, who expect hand outs, who have no idea about responsibility or maturity. I am sick of young adults who think the world owes them something and they are refusing to own their lives. We have so many young adults who refuse to work fast food, refuse to work in a grocery store, refuse to do manual labor because they believe it is beneath them. They get out of high school and IF they get a job, they expect to be paid $10+ an hour when they have NO experience AND an attitude.

 

I am sick of parents doing this to their kids and the unleashing them on the rest of society who has to deal with these attitudes.

[Spiritofnow]

It had to have been by God's grace, because you seem to be one of those people who coddle and baby their kids into adulthood. Your choice of course. But, just because others choose to teach their children to become independent, does not mean they are wrong and don't love their kids.

 

Thank God you didn't remarry. Some poor man dodged a bullet there. And I honestly mean that, and am not being snarky. If you cannot commit to a marriage and instead will always put children before a marriage, then you are right...DON'T REMARRY.

 

OMG!!!! Your comments made me LOL!!! You certainly didn't hold back.

[Spiritofnow]

You know every time I come back on here this thread seems to get more and more heated. I think we should all be mindful that we are all just trying to be the best we can with the resources and knowledge we have. I choose to parent my child in a way that I believe allows him to know that he is loved, but reminds him that he is a responsible individual. I am trying my best to prepare my son for the world so that he can operate within it to the best of his capabilities and have positive relationships with other people.

 

I love my son, and the way that I choose to express that is similar to some and very different to others. I do not care to try to make people see that my way is better, because I would never be as bold to assume that. I think my way is better for me and him - I believe my parenting style is as balanced as it can be.

 

Lets not judge each other no matter how outlandish or different the parenting styles expressed on here may seem to our own. I also believe that if people tend to stray to the extreme end of the continuum concerning their ideas in parenting that that normally implies that they still have much learning to do, or don't want to learn - the middle is where we should be aiming - life is about balance, eh! It just seems a shame to expend so much energy on negative situations when we could channel that in a more positive and helpful way. Lets just lead by example...that is what I do at home : )

Edited June 9, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[Spiritofnow]

YOU - my friend - ARE A PARENT!!!! We are given NO manuals when we are handed these babies. We are human and we make mistakes. I think you are on track and I am very happy with how you have handled this!!

 

 

 

You are right. He needs you to be the bad guy so you can be blamed and not him.

 

No gonna happen! I hope he continues to show you the respect you deserve!!

 

Thank you for your comments. It is nice to get positive feedback

[linwood]

My stepson seems to have fallen right back into the sedentary lifestyle he`s accustomed to.

 

He`s been with his brother at his fathers for the past two days.

He gets home tomorrow.

 

This bio father activity is the only "real" consistent change I see in him.

His father hasn`t been very involved up to this point.

 

It makes me feel as if my kid is maybe just looking to set up his preferred lifestyle in a new environment now that his old environment has become "uncomfortable".

 

This might not be a completely bad thing.

If he does blow off the rent this month (Because he`s not looking for a job) and decides to move in with his dad I don`t think he`s going to find that situation is anything like he thinks it will be.

 

The only drawback to that outcome is it will waste what time and opportunities he has now (which aren`t many).

 

Learning that lesson will put him back at square one.

However we all seem to have to learn those hard lessons alone for some reason.

They don`t seem to be teachable.

 

As to the advice about positive reinforcement ..

Thank you for the reminder as I know it has been low and light around here.

 

That has changed due to your reminders.

 

It is sometimes hard but I`m doing it.

On the flip side it is sometimes a pleasure as well.

 

When the boys get back I`ll take them out for a pizza or something and see where the older one is at when we`re away from the house.

Our communication seems better away from the house for some reason.

 

If I can get some desire or motivation out of him maybe I can help him get employed in some manner.

 

I am appreciating the advice and even the debate on this thread.

Thank you all.

[Spiritofnow]

Our communication seems better away from the house for some reason

 

This reminded me of something I read and practised with my son. When you are having trouble communicating it is a very good idea to go some place that is public (I went to a coffee house in my town and sat in an area that was kind of private) and had a much needed conversation with my son.

[Spiritofnow]

Our communication seems better away from the house for some reason

 

This reminded me of something I read and practised with my son. When you are having trouble communicating it is a very good idea to go some place that is public (I went to a coffee house in my town and sat in an area that was kind of private) and had a much needed conversation with my son. Irt went really well, because I managed my behaviour better and so did he. In fact when we have big things to discuss I usually meet him in town and take him somewhere for a drink.

 

I found that I managed my emotions and frustrations, and was able to communicate more easily with him, and my son couldn't storm off.....mutual ground I guess.

 

You could give it a go, Linwood.

[turnera]

I started taking the dog for a walk with my daughter around our local lakes. It's a lot easier to talk about things if (1) you are not facing each other (reduces the antagonism factor) and (2) you have a goal (walking somewhere). It also works if you're working on a car, or pulling weeds together, or whatever. But DD19 got so much out of the walks/talks that she started asking for them. It was her place and time to talk about her life issues and work them out, with or without my advice. One of her happiest memories.

 

When our friends' son came over last week to 'run away' from his horrible home, I consciously made an effort to not make it that much fun at our house. He had just as many chores as DD19; I made him get off the computer and find something else to do. He had to watch what WE wanted to watch on TV. And when he left to go get himself some fast food, I chewed him out and sent him to the grocery store to spend his last $10 on food for ALL of us. He'll probably never consider us a safe haven again, because it was pretty unenjoyable for him, which I regret, but I think he got a good dose of reality in what his greener grass was really like.

[Eve]

In terms of good places to talk with young people, a long drive in the car is brill because you dont have to have eye contact. This can put them at ease.

 

I have also used -

 

1. Laying together on the grass looking at the night sky.

2. Writing a note and pushing it under my daughters bedroom door. On the note, I would put something like, 'please write back soon'. Then at some unearthly hour a note would be pushed back under my bedroom door with her response.

3. I always physically take a step back if an arguement starts, cant remember where I got this from but it does seem to stop things escalating and equals the space between each party.

4. A long walk together to talk.

5. A day out shopping with lunch somewhere fab.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[fooled once]

My stepson seems to have fallen right back into the sedentary lifestyle he`s accustomed to.

 

He`s been with his brother at his fathers for the past two days.

He gets home tomorrow.

 

This bio father activity is the only "real" consistent change I see in him.

His father hasn`t been very involved up to this point.

 

It makes me feel as if my kid is maybe just looking to set up his preferred lifestyle in a new environment now that his old environment has become "uncomfortable".

 

This might not be a completely bad thing.

If he does blow off the rent this month (Because he`s not looking for a job) and decides to move in with his dad I don`t think he`s going to find that situation is anything like he thinks it will be.

 

The only drawback to that outcome is it will waste what time and opportunities he has now (which aren`t many).

 

Learning that lesson will put him back at square one.

However we all seem to have to learn those hard lessons alone for some reason.

They don`t seem to be teachable.

 

As to the advice about positive reinforcement ..

Thank you for the reminder as I know it has been low and light around here.

 

That has changed due to your reminders.

 

It is sometimes hard but I`m doing it.

On the flip side it is sometimes a pleasure as well.

 

When the boys get back I`ll take them out for a pizza or something and see where the older one is at when we`re away from the house.

Our communication seems better away from the house for some reason.

 

If I can get some desire or motivation out of him maybe I can help him get employed in some manner.

 

I am appreciating the advice and even the debate on this thread.

Thank you all.

 

This reminded me of something I read and practised with my son. When you are having trouble communicating it is a very good idea to go some place that is public (I went to a coffee house in my town and sat in an area that was kind of private) and had a much needed conversation with my son.

 

Like both of you, some of the 'best' conversations I have had with my stepdaughter is when we are out for our 'girls night'. She is the only 'girl' I have and I made a point that her and I would spend time with just us. It gave us a time to talk, to bond and to communicate. I believe this helped us in our relationship, as with any parent/child relationship, it had some MAJOR downs at times. I never tried to be her mom - as she has one. I was her 'friend', another adult in her life who truly only wanted the best for her. She opened up to me more than her parents, because, she wasn't my kid. She knew I loved her, but she also knew *I* was not a decision maker regarding her upbringing. She felt safe with me. Even her mother admitted that I was the only one she respected; I was the only one she showed affection to and I was the only who she opened up to. When she admitted her sexual preference, it was me she told before her parents - in fact, she didn't tell her parents for another 18 months and only did it after I encouraged her to and let her know they love HER no matter what.

 

I commend both of you for realizing that many times, talking at home isn't the best and to get out of that environment for some of the big conversations.

 

Linwood - good luck. Maybe it is best for your stepson to try dad's house for a while. Maybe then he will realize how good he has had it.

[Green]

Are you kidding?

 

I paid rent after leaving college and guess what, I moved out at 22 and have NEVER accepted or NEEDED a dime from my parents my entire life. I am very successful and have raised an incredibly independent son.

 

Who are you to decide who has family values? Only those that agree with you?

 

hmm you do realize the young man the topic of this thread is 20.

 

Thats really great that you NEVER accepted or NEEDED help.

 

I like to think we live in a world where we HELP people who NEED it.

 

I'm all for this guy doing something with his life I just don't see him as the vilian some people make him out to be.

 

I really wouldn't start tossing stones at others for disrespect Your responses to the OP and those of us that agree with him haven't been as nice as you would like to think. We believe in different things and my way, which is different than your way, doesn't mean you are better or more successful than I am.

 

Getting evicted means being removed for non-payment of rent. In case you didn't know this - it happens all over the place. Do you think it is fair to the people who allow those to live in their homes/apartments for $$ to just allow the person to say there after not paying rent? do you think only certain people should have to pay rent?

 

I think evicting your own son is a pretty cold thing to do. I agree he should have life goals beyond playing video games and anoying his step father but I don't think this is the way to go about it.

 

In the OP's post, it was decided that the adult had to pay rent. The adult accepted that agreement. If rent is not paid, the adult is evicted. It is called life. No different than buying a car or a house. If you accept the responsibility and agree to the terms, and you unilaterally decide to NOT pay the agreed upon amount at the agreed upon time, what do you think should happen? Should banks just turn a blind eye to the person for the money owed? IF this happened, our economy would be even WORSE than it is.

 

"The adult" as you put it is his step son, so unilateral or bilateral TERMS as you put it shouldn't apply. Its not a contract like "buying a car" as you put it where risk of loss transfers and people get sued for damages ect..

 

If you accept the terms, you are to be held accountable for the lack of payments. Heck, in this case, the parents were choosing to hold that money for the adult - to 'help' him for when he finally moved out. NO parent is under any obligation to continue to pay for a lazy, unmotivated adult. it is the parents job to raise the child to be self sufficient. Some kids 'get it' more than other and earlier than others. If the OP did what some on here suggest - to coddle him and just let him stay rent free - he will NEVER move out or LEARN how to be independent. I mean, look at this kids life? He has chosen to do nothing with it, he has no motivation, to desire to do anything. Should the parents support him for the rest of his life? Why? When is enough enough?

 

The way I was raised my family helped motivate me. The people in my life built me up. The world tried to tear me down but my family and friends built me up. You seem to confuse coddling with HELPING.

 

What about the rest of society? We have enough of these type of 'adults' - I don't think we need more. How is that fair to the rest of us to have these free loaders expecting continual handouts? Should that adult also be able to apply for food stamps and welfare because it is just too much of a hassle to support himself?

 

I think SOCIETY would be a lot better off if people had better family values the exact kind of values I'm talking about. It's the people that have no family to watch out for them that I wory for.

 

You may disagree -- but you should also stop telling us how much better you are than the rest of us because you were enabled. Instead of being proud of the fact that you freeloaded off your family for a YEAR after graduating college, you should, IMHO, be kinda ashamed or at least embarrassed that at 21/22 years old, you needed your parents to support you.

 

I'm just using myself as example. It's funny to me that you think I should be ashamed because my family is very proud of me and I would never be ashamed to accept their help or help them. That year I lived with them after completing college was GREAT and they said I could have stayed with them as long as I wanted.

 

I've seen a lot of success in my life and a lot of my friends are also doing great. Me and my friends all have families that suported and pushed us to be great. They never pushed us out the door.

 

Not one PARENT here has said if their adult kid needed help we would turn our backs on our kids. Not one. But those of us who support the OP also said we would not enable or coddle our kids to be free loaders Some people think by 20/21, kids should be more independent than some others believe. Some believe that there is no age requirement for independence and the ability to support themselves.

 

I see a step son that needs help when I read the OP

 

And unless you have been a parent IN this situation - and bonus points for being a STEP parent in this situation - you really don't know how you would react. Try dealing with a step kid who is lazier than an old dog, smokes dope in your home, refuses to get a job, dropped out of high school, eats you out of house and home, trashes the house, leaves dirty disgusting dishes in his room (even after you asked him to walk up 1 flight of stairs and put them in the kitchen - not even the dishwasher!), cusses you out if you ask him to help out -- see how quick you are to think this adult should continue living in your home rent free Guarantee you will pull your hair out quicker than I did. I allowed it to go on for 3 months before pulling the plug.

 

I'm comming at this situation from the perspective of the son isn't that clear...

 

While you are climbing up and down Green ..

 

I don't think he has ever intimated that he wouldn't pridefully raise his child in a respectful parenting manner.. He has merely illustrated that he has family values that stop at eviction ..

 

There are those parents among us who wish the best for our children, while not counting off the years ready to pounce with the rent payment .. (So he sold his vehicle to satisfy the rent payment - so what) ..

 

Be as angry as you wish for what is going on in the world with people and their obligations toward purchases.

 

A few just don't go for the mean so-called 'tough love' approach ..

 

The so-called 'tough love' approach is what most of the men in prison have had.

 

How come no one addresses the kid's thievery and lying?

For me, it all became moot after the OP mentioned the stealing bit. You can never trust a thief or a liar in your home even if said thief/liar is flesh and blood. We'd all be really livid if it our own jewelry or hard earned cash that turns up missing, right from your drawers and jewelery boxes... especially if those things were going to pay rent or food or supplies for the younger children that month. How terrible!

 

Only unhealthy enablers would support that behavior.

 

hahah show me one kid who has never lied or stolen something from their parents.

 

Young adults screw up. They lie about what they are doing or where they are going. They steal drinks or money. Its an oportunity to teach them right from wrong not the chane to label them eternaly damned.

[donnamaybe]

Thats really great that you NEVER accepted or NEEDED help.

 

I like to think we live in a world where we HELP people who NEED it.

 

 

Um, this guy is creating his own problem. It's not like he broke both arms and his step-dad wants to toss him out because he can't do the dishes as a result.

 

Enablers.

[turnera]

Green, I DO get where you're coming from. I'm really big on compassion; always have been. I think people will respond favorably to compassion.

 

That said, I also know a lot about psychology. When I had DD19, I started reading everything I could get my hands on about it. And I learned a lot about raising kids, including the 'nice parent' vs 'strict parent' routine. Here's what I learned.

 

Kids are like dogs. They have a 'pack.' They know intuitively that there is a hierarchy in that pack, and they know - WANT to know - their place in that hierarchy. Why? Because it removes tension; it creates order; it keeps them from having to make decisions they aren't ready for.

 

They WANT to know their place, know what is expected of them, and what they are and aren't allowed to do. They DON'T want a parent who says "I trust you, I know you'll choose the right thing to do." BTDT, and hated my mother for making ME be the adult. Until kids are out of college, or out working a fulltime job and taking care of themselves, they haven't learned enough life experience to be able to make good decisions without their parents' guidelines - and appropriate consequences for bad decisions. Kids LEARN from these consequences.

 

There's an added complexity to kids vs dogs, in that we expect them to leave the pack and go on and start a NEW pack of their own; and to do that, they have to have the same skills their parents had - ruling a pack and providing for it. So it's our job to be that coach, as well as giver of consequences, so they can learn how to go out and get a job, work hard, earn their rewards, and find a spouse they can love and respect.

 

Psychology teaches us that if you give someone everything they want, just give it to them, they (1) take it for granted, (2) don't take care of it, and (3) expect it to keep coming.

 

On the other hand, if you see that a kid wants something, and you teach them how to achieve it, once they do get it they (1) treasure that item/act/whatever, (2) do take care of it, and (3) learn how to go and get it again.

 

Give a fish, or teach them to fish, ya know? Compassion is an excellent teaching tool; but so are consequences.

 

Now, regarding tough love, it's usually reserved for situations where the parents didn't do a good enough job of teaching the kid to value what they have. By that time, it's too late to do anything but try to 'fix' the skewed mindset the kid already has.

 

One way to do that is to set new, high standards. You want to borrow the car? Go wash it first. You stole money from me? You'll be working every Saturday for 3 months to pay it off. You hit your mother? You're going to alternative school for a month to take some courses in anger management and compassion.

 

The best thing is to teach it when they're young, so the consequences won't be such big things as alternative school or jail. A speaker came to my elementary school PTA meeting once, and he said he'd been there all day, watching parents come in nonstop, bringing forgotten lunches, books, homework...he said something I'll never forget. He said, 'Your kid won't die if he eats the school's PB&J sandwich if he forgets his lunch. He won't get denied entry into Harvard if he gets a 0 in 2nd grade for a forgotten paper. But he WILL learn not to forget it next time. Let your kids learn their consequences now, when they're young, and the consequences are small. Don't coddle them and do everything for them so that they never learn their mistakes until later, when the consequences are BIG.'