Stepson Evicted From Nest??

[califnan]

You have reduced him to not even having his vehicle. (I thought that so-called "rent" money was to go into a savings for Him - how is that a savings) ..

[donnamaybe]

You have reduced him to not even having his vehicle.

 

You're kidding, right?

 

Maybe he should've just called the cops when the stealing began. Then he not only wouldn't have a car, but he also wouldn't have access to the roads on which to even take a walk.

 

Linwood did the right things, and they resulted in the boy finally beginning to become responsible. Now you want to rip into him for the methods?

[califnan]

You're kidding, right?

 

Maybe he should've just called the cops when the stealing began. Then he not only wouldn't have a car, but he also wouldn't have access to the roads on which to even take a walk.

 

Linwood did the right things, and they resulted in the boy finally beginning to become responsible. Now you want to rip into him for the methods?

 

---------------------

 

It's been a competition between Linwood and his wife's son, all along. Linwood is now all happy because he has gained ground in that the mother is now upset.. so what.

[donnamaybe]

---------------------

 

It's been a competition between Linwood and his wife's son, all along. Linwood is now all happy because he has gained ground in that the mother is now upset.. so what.

 

Mother SHOULD be upset at her son's behavior! He's been thieving from her husband, and aside from the mere few hours he sits in a classroom, does absolutely NOTHING to further the household as a whole. GOOD that she's upset! SOMEONE needed to shake some sense into her, and now that she finally sees clearly (unlike some who apparently never will) she is going to take steps to HELP her son become something akin to a man.

 

Better, I suppose, to keep him a helpless child. I'm sure some parents who have no partner or whatever would choose so. However, IMO, that is child abuse. A child MUST be raised to be self sufficient so they can create some kind of actual LIFE for themselves. Otherwise they'll be stuck on mama's apron strings forever. SOME parents might take comfort in a life where their child is dependent on them forever, but that is NOT doing the child any favors.

[Green]

This man has given up on his stepson. He just wants him out of the house and out of his sight.

 

I have a very different attitude to family then many of this people on the thread. Maybe this is why there are so many problems in the world... people like this. They think they are with out sin and cast judgment as if they were god.

 

Let me just explain to you that I am very successful... in fact most people in my family are very successful. My family never gave up on me and I would never give up on them.

 

I'm all for calling some one out when they disrespect you. I'm all for pushing some one in the right direction.

 

What I'm not for is bringing a law suit against your own children, I'm not for EVICTING some one who you should call a son. I'm not for pushing a person away as the suposed answer.

[donnamaybe]

What I'm not for is bringing a law suit against your own children (they didn't - wherever did you get that notion), I'm not for EVICTING some one (they didn't - he still lives there) who you should call a son. I'm not for pushing a person away as the suposed answer.

 

The boy is making progress toward becoming an adult, and that pisses you people off?

[sally4sara]

You have reduced him to not even having his vehicle. (I thought that so-called "rent" money was to go into a savings for Him - how is that a savings) ..

 

Your bothered now because the kid sold his van that was previously (as the OP posted) rotting on the lawn?

Matthew 7:1 lady and you're willfully doing it now! You'd be sour if the kid had sold his outgrown sneakers!

 

Stick with it Linwood; if this kid's ship sinks, let it happen before he has three kids to take down with him like my dead classmate's kids. I wonder how the story could have been different if she'd been made to face things before becoming a mother?

[califnan]

This man has given up on his stepson. He just wants him out of the house and out of his sight.

 

I have a very different attitude to family then many of this people on the thread. Maybe this is why there are so many problems in the world... people like this. They think they are with out sin and cast judgment as if they were god.

 

Let me just explain to you that I am very successful... in fact most people in my family are very successful. My family never gave up on me and I would never give up on them.

 

I'm all for calling some one out when they disrespect you. I'm all for pushing some one in the right direction.

 

What I'm not for is bringing a law suit against your own children, I'm not for EVICTING some one who you should call a son. I'm not for pushing a person away as the suposed answer.

 

------------------

 

You're a good example Green.

[DaisyLeigh]

Obviously, unless Linwood kisses this ADULT's ass and lets him flop on the couch, supporting him financially, forever, then he is wrong.

 

I say BULL****. I totally agree with Linwood. His wife should not only be upset, she should be ASHAMED at how she raised her son.

[linwood]

The boy gave me the rent tonight.

 

I`m not often happy to be proven wrong but this time is an exception.

 

I think it`s pretty clear that coddling him was destroying him and that this avenue is far preferable as it is the first time he has ever consistently met a responsibility given to him.

 

It`s sad as hell the only thing that will motivate him is fear but so be it.

 

The van in question had been sitting in my front yard for a year or more.

It had been neglected so long the engine seized.

 

I didn`t think it was worth $400.00 but apparently I was wrong again.

 

[Crazy Magnet]

linwood:

 

Way to stick to your resolve. I had a step dad, but luckily he was on the same page as my mom parenting wise. Although I was always an achiever, my parents told me at 18 that my support would only last as long as college lasted, until the age of 22 and that I only got four years to finish college. They informed me that school was my job, and that if I didn't get satisfactory job reviews each semester (meaning make the right kind of grades) that support would immediately cease and I would be on my own.

 

I think you have a right to make him show you his grades before you agree to pay for the next semester. Set your limit. My parents said a 3.0, but you can set what ever he is capable of. If he doesn't meet it, then show him how to sign up for student loans and stop paying for school. I know several younger siblings of my friends whose parents did this. After one year of living on loans they got their crap back together and made the grades.

 

I think it's also fair to say that he cannot live there unless he is attending school. Even then set a time line for post graduation and let him know now. Something like 6 months to save all his post graduation pay checks to get his own place.

 

I'm glad my parents were so hard on me growing up. I know too many people who were never given responsibility and who really blew it back in our early 20's. Many of them were kicked out and are just now getting their crap together (and yeah, there are some who still don't have it together and probably never will).

 

Some kids just need to really crash and burn before they figure it out. It's better that he crash now when he's not financially responsible for anyone else, like a kid.

 

As for the rest of my story: Four years later I graduated with a double major and a 4.0. I wasn't taking any chances on that support! lol After that I launched myself into the world. I've had a rough patch or two. I had to temporarily move back home post divorce b/c the exH wiped me out financially, but after about 2 months I had a job and was taking care of myself again. My step dad has cut me some slack and has picked up my cell phone bill when I went back for my MA and now PhD. My parents were hard on me while still being supportive, and I have them to thank for having the awesome, productive life I have now.

Edited June 2, 2010 by Crazy Magnet
my post needed to be reordered: I stopped making sense

[Eve]

Linwood, you have done really well!

 

The boy seems to be pulling himself together somewhat.

 

Well done!

 

I think that unless you have been there and felt that frustration it is difficult to understand. You have made him face up to tough changes and this is a fathers role that in some ways has been forced on you by your wifes lack of courage.

 

I too think its harder when as a step parent you have a child with your partner as well as a reconstituted family because how one parent parents can seriously undermine the characteristics you see in yourself and your natural child, whereas the characteristics you see in a stepchild can mirror that of an absent parent or the flawed parenting of the other parent. I hear you on that one loud and clear..

 

But you made your decision and stuck to it and thats all that matters. Many just roll over and allow the child to continue doing badly to prove a point, which usually is that the child is unable to be as good as other siblings. Instead you chose to bring him into line.

 

That same tough talk that you gave him, I hope that you can also share a conversation whereby you tell him that you are proud of him and share with him your hopes for him. Maybe even fit in a man hug or something. Spirit said something like this earlier on in a very inspiring post..

 

.. But well done! The boy will appreciate the hard stance you have taken later in life..

 

.. In this regard, thanks Cyber Magnet for your perspective on things..

 

I would suggest that you have a time limit during the summer as to how long he can stay in the house during the day. Our kids know that they need to be out during certain hours either working, visiting friends or whatever. We dont allow them to just stay in the house all the time. We talk through plans with them and thats how we know who to pick up from where and how much money they will need for lunch etc.

 

Dont let him spend another summer on that console. Obviously some days he can stay in but make sure that he has a schedule of some sort.

 

How is your wife managing the recent change in the boy? Is she more attuned now?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[turnera]

Eve makes a good point. He NEEDS to hear good things from you. You have no idea how desperate kids are to hear some praise - ANY praise - from the adults in their lives, and how much that praise (or lack of) drives them.

 

Also, talk to him as much as you are able. Go fishing. Take the dog for a walk. Find reasons to talk to him; tell him about yourself, describe problems YOU had, show him how you made it out of tough situations or pulled yourself up and got going...be a great role model, and he'll try to emulate you. He already respects you for standing up to him. Keep it up!

[donnamaybe]

------------------

 

You're a good example Green.

A good example of how to raise a child into a helpless adult you mean?

[donnamaybe]

It`s sad as hell the only thing that will motivate him is fear but so be it.

 

But thus far he hasn't known the feeling of being proud of yourself for your own accomplishments, because there haven't really been any. If you and his mom continue to push him he will have successes which will give him that good feeling that he'll want to feel again and again.

[Eve]

I was thinking about this situation of yours again earlier today Linwood.

 

Now I understand that different families have different budgets and I am not trying to show off here but we often buy concert tickets etc for our lot for good behaviour, or just because we would like to. Being 'down with the kids' is important and opens up communication. Maybe you could treat him somehow for his current changes?

 

My youngest daughter was treated to a 'Lady Ga Ga' concert recently for good behaviour and is still talking about it!

 

Just thinking about ways to inspire that 'man hug' I mentioned. Treats and positive attention seriously work.

 

Really hope things continue to get better. You sound more use to this boy than his own bio Dad..

 

Please remember to laugh through all of this. Kids/young adults can kill your sense of humour and sex life if you get too intense on trying to sort them out..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[donnamaybe]

I was thinking about this situation of yours again earlier today Linwood.

 

Now I understand that different families have different budgets and I am not trying to show off here but we often buy concert tickets etc for our lot for good behaviour, or just because we would like to. Being 'down with the kids' is important and opens up communication. Maybe you could treat him somehow for his current changes?

 

My youngest daughter was treated to a 'Lady Ga Ga' concert recently for good behaviour and is still talking about it!

 

Just thinking about ways to inspire that 'man hug' I mentioned. Treats and positive attention seriously work.

 

Really hope things continue to get better. You sound more use to this boy than his own bio Dad..

 

Please remember to laugh through all of this. Kids/young adults can kill your sense of humour and sex life if you get too intense on trying to sort them out..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Very good points Eve. You are absolutely right. Positive reinforcement will play a big part in how he will feel about Linwood and the whole situation.

[Eve]

Very good points Eve. You are absolutely right. Positive reinforcement will play a big part in how he will feel about Linwood and the whole situation.

 

 

I think we all need something to look forward to to inspire us ..

 

A nice reward may be apt now methinks in order to direct the focus onto what his plans are rather than focusing on what mum and stepdad want.

 

Dunno, I was just thinking about how after my daughter started to come back into line I had to learn to see her anew. Using various positive reinforcements helped me to take my hand off her in such a strong parental way and enjoy her again. Seriously, some of the things she did terrified me but over time I learned to let go whilst still holding onto to her. H'mmm, I had to learn to not have such a tight reign on her at the same time as keeping her safe .. talk about difficult!

 

We get on SO much better now but without me drawing a line in the sand I dread to think what could have happened. This trait (?) has grown within her too and I think helped her avoid a major heartbreak because she too drew a line in the sand and clearly said 'NO' when she needed to in her first relationship that unfortunately became controlling.

 

Really rooting for you Linwood ..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Kenyth]

One of my friends when growing up was never given consequences. She lied, stole, skipped school, did drugs, broke curfew and never held a job. Her parents were very permissive and uninvolved. Sure she would get grounded, but she just didn't listen to whatever the rules of being grounded entailed and her parents never followed through with any consequences they gave her warning about.

We had a falling out because she stole from my house and we lost touch after that. I'd often hear about the mess that was her life over the years. She birthed 3 kids; kept custody of none in the long run. They all ended up in the care of relatives.

I heard she got hooked on meth and supported her habit with prostitution. The last kid she had was because of the prostitution and has heath issues due to meth use during the pregnancy.

 

I find this relevant because last night, one of the girls we use to run with contacted me to let me know our mutual and troubled friend is now dead at age 35 from her drug use and lifestyle. Death - the one consequence that always follows through.

 

RIP Heather.

 

How very, very sad and tragic.................

 

I pray my son never gets to a point like this. I don't think he will. Drugs haven't been a problem so far. He is intelligent and he has a little motivation at times.

[fooled once]

Okay, I have read most of the posts on this thread, but not all of them thoroughly.

 

I guess, my comments here are as much for me to purge as they are to offer some reflection. Today, I just did the hardest thing I have ever done - I evicted my 15 year old son. However, I am using this method as a scare tactic more than anything. Of course, he is under-age, and I would never just toss him aside and leave him to fend for himself on a permanent basis, but I did want to drive home the message that when I say something will happen that it will.

 

I won't go in to all of the dynamics of our relationship apart from those that are similar to the original post -- I come from a very dysfunctional and abusive family whom I no longer have any ties with. I guess, the point I am trying to make here is that since healing my wounds through 3 years of therapy I can see that my parenting came from the perspective of trying to avoid the kind of parenting I received--I overcompensated. With retrospect I can see that I never really disciplined my son as an individual, because I was so intent on avoiding the harmful parenting I received. There were lots of dynamics at play that made my parenting less than effective. And, now I have learned a new way of parenting my child - I set clear boundaries and I am consistent with the messages I give him, most importantly I am consistent. I finally realised that being a good parent and loving your child means that you HAVE to have discipline and consequences that enable a young person to take responsibility for their behaviours and consequent choices. I know my son isn't a bad kid, but he has learned along the way that it is acceptable to bend my rules and to disregard me as an individual. Now I have the hard job of changing that process, and there have been improvements and changes. However, he still continues to push the boundaries and negates any kind of responsibility. I realise that I have enabled some of that dynamic, which is why it is even more pertinent that I stick to my guns when he continues to push and push....he needs to learn that he is partly in control of our relationship and the kinds of life he chooses, and that he can change that at any time.

 

I consider what I have done today as the biggest act of love that I can give my son, because I am teaching him valuable lessons. I also told him when I evicted him that this is his home and that when he is ready to stop lying, stealing, and stops being late for school or avoiding going that he can come home. I am making it clear that if he wishes to live here that he has to follow certain boundaries, and I have made it clear that when I say that I will do something that I am consistent. What he probably doesn't realise yet is the strength it took to go through with that and the heartache I feel --I just keep reminding myself that I am not abandoning him and that I am just helping him realise how he needs to behave.

 

I do have concerns that this could backfire on me, but I also know that we couldn't continue living they way we have been. And, I am certainly not going to be irresponsible enough to let him think that his choices are acceptable.

 

For now he chooses the path with the most resistance, but I hope that he will soon realise that life doesn't need to be that way.

 

I guess, I am agreeing with the OP regarding how the mothers passive parenting is doing more harm than good - learned helplessness does not prepare our children for the future.

 

YOU - my friend - ARE A PARENT!!!! We are given NO manuals when we are handed these babies. We are human and we make mistakes. I think you are on track and I am very happy with how you have handled this!!

 

In fact I will go as far as to say that my son WANTS me to be the bad guy. He needs me to to be the bad guy, because that way he can continue avoiding taking ANY responsibility for himself - that is the biggest disservice I did to our relationship - I always made myself responsible for his behaviour, and that is why I dislike where he is staying because they empower that skewed thinking he has, and in-turn dis-empower my role as a healthy-boundary-making-mother. I just hope the novelty of being there soon wears off.

 

You are right. He needs you to be the bad guy so you can be blamed and not him.

 

No gonna happen! I hope he continues to show you the respect you deserve!!

 

Ok, I`ve taken some time to catch up with this thread and want to reply to some questions .

 

-The kid is not doing drugs.

I haven`t tested him (Not that I could he`s an adult) but trust me when I tell you I have been intimately involved in the drug culture in my past and he isn`t a part of it.

 

Both boys are very anti-drugs.

Apparently DARE occasionally gets results.

 

- I understand and agree with the point of getting rid of the video games.

I have done so in the past.

However, the game systems belong to the younger boy ( he purchased them with his own earnings) he and my daughter also play with them .

The younger boy and girl are both doing very well and don`t waste their lives playing these games so I am very hesitant to do something that punishes them for their brothers problem.

I may have to remove them to the younger brothers room but that`s the type of stress I`d rather not apply to this situation at this point.

 

-To the question of my feelings about kicking my own (biological)child out.

 

No I wouldn`t hesitate to kick her out but it will not be a problem with my daughter as I am fully involved in her upbringing and my wife doesn`t have the same stressed reaction to me disciplining my daughter as she did to me disciplining her boys.

 

Quite honestly because of this oldest boy I can see the pitfalls of coddling and absolutely will not allow it with my daughter.

I have made it perfectly clear that my daughter will not be coddled the way the boys have.

This is actually a daily chore for me to keep my wife from doing the same thing with our daughter she has done with her boys.

My daughters life is far less easy than the boys lives have been and it shows in her achievements.

She is challenged, she is responsible for things the boys were never allowed to be responsible for.

 

-To the point that my wifes problem is "divorce guilt".

Absolutely right on the money but I believe in the past year she`s come to see that she has a problem and is working on it albeit slowly.

 

-As for making his life miserable.

That is the ultimate solution I believe and it seems we`re heading in that direction due to my wife's anger at the disrespect she now clearly sees in his actions.

She told him that we will be requiring some documentation of his performance in school.

We`ve had a hard time with this because he is an adult and we cannot gain access to his records and he always has an excuse for not being able to provide them.

They have now become a requirement of his staying in the house along with paying the rent.

School is out at the end of the week so we`ll see how that goes.

I`ll appreciate any further suggestions of things I could do to motivate him in this manner.

 

-As to my resentment/anger for this boy.

Yes it exists but it also exists in his own mother.

She`s tired of his **** but feels guilt over him.

I do not see how I could spend 13 years with this boy lying to me stealing from me and pretty much overall behaving like someone I wouldn`t allow my kids to hang out with without forming some resentment.

I apologize for being human, and honest about it.

This problem will melt away the moment he earnestly strives to become a better person.

 

-To those have have said he will wait until the final hour.

You were all absolutely correct.

A very last minute butt saving he pulled off coming up with the rent.

I am very happy he was able to actually find a solution (Albeit temporary) on his own and pull it off.

I was very worried he might be incapable entirely.

 

-For those who have posted here because they find themselves in a similar situation.

Y`all make me feel much better about the path I`ve taken and the possible results.

I thank you and wish you luck in your own attempts.

 

Thanks.

 

Great job !!! Glad to see that at LEAST he is paying his rent. Continue to let him know how him following through on his responsibilities is a good sign of an adult. Yeah!!! Glad he has paid 2 months rent!!

 

In Reference to Lynwood's story.

 

Never marry a woman who has children, if you cannot create the so-called 'blended' family..

 

Conflict, competition is not blending.

 

Have YOU ever been a step parent? If not, then you have NO IDEA what being in a 'blended family' is like. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you know anything about a step family. Two very different things.

 

How about instead of continuing to tear him down, how about show some SUPPORT? I am a step parent. I know how incredibly hard and unrewarding it is. I am also a biological parent whose child moved out, on his own, at 18 and he has flourished because of how I raised him. I made him accountable for his actions. I demanded he show responsibility. I refused to coddle my child and take care of him as if he were 5. He is now 21, owns his own home and has a fantastic job. SHOULD anything happen where - through no fault of his own - he lost his job, I would temporarily help him out. But I am thankful that my son refuses help and instead wants to show he is responsible AND an adult.

 

---------------------

 

It's been a competition between Linwood and his wife's son, all along. Linwood is now all happy because he has gained ground in that the mother is now upset.. so what.

 

And you know this how? From a post? Do you live in his home? Do you know his heart? Do you know his actions? Seriously - unless you have - this is a very callous and mean thing to say.

 

Linwood - great job! Please don't think you have to answer those that are so critical of your actions....know that you have many more supporters than the 2 who can't seem to see past coddling and accepting irresponsible and immature behavior from ADULT kids.

[califnan]

YOU - my friend - ARE A PARENT!!!! We are given NO manuals when we are handed these babies. We are human and we make mistakes. I think you are on track and I am very happy with how you have handled this!!

 

 

 

You are right. He needs you to be the bad guy so you can be blamed and not him.

 

No gonna happen! I hope he continues to show you the respect you deserve!!

 

 

 

Great job !!! Glad to see that at LEAST he is paying his rent. Continue to let him know how him following through on his responsibilities is a good sign of an adult. Yeah!!! Glad he has paid 2 months rent!!

 

 

 

Have YOU ever been a step parent? If not, then you have NO IDEA what being in a 'blended family' is like. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you know anything about a step family. Two very different things.

 

How about instead of continuing to tear him down, how about show some SUPPORT? I am a step parent. I know how incredibly hard and unrewarding it is. I am also a biological parent whose child moved out, on his own, at 18 and he has flourished because of how I raised him. I made him accountable for his actions. I demanded he show responsibility. I refused to coddle my child and take care of him as if he were 5. He is now 21, owns his own home and has a fantastic job. SHOULD anything happen where - through no fault of his own - he lost his job, I would temporarily help him out. But I am thankful that my son refuses help and instead wants to show he is responsible AND an adult.

 

 

 

And you know this how? From a post? Do you live in his home? Do you know his heart? Do you know his actions? Seriously - unless you have - this is a very callous and mean thing to say.

 

Linwood - great job! Please don't think you have to answer those that are so critical of your actions....know that you have many more supporters than the 2 who can't seem to see past coddling and accepting irresponsible and immature behavior from ADULT kids.

 

--------------------

 

My sons are 42 .. There are no words to express how wonderful they are.. I believe they have turned out this way by the grace of GOD .. And yes, if they were ever in trouble they could live with me indefinitely.. That is what families are for!

 

After reading and hearing of diff step parents' war stories, that is one reason for not remarrying .. as my sons hearts would always come first..

 

As for your other post above.. "he needs you to be the bad guy" .. Not. There are enough "bad guys" in this world without it slopping into the family 'unit' ..

[DaisyLeigh]

--------------------

 

My sons are 42 .. There are no words to express how wonderful they are.. I believe they have turned out this way by the grace of GOD .. And yes, if they were ever in trouble they could live with me indefinitely.. That is what families are for!

 

After reading and hearing of diff step parents' war stories, that is one reason for not remarrying .. as my sons hearts would always come first..

 

As for your other post above.. "he needs you to be the bad guy" .. Not. There are enough "bad guys" in this world without it slopping into the family 'unit' ..

 

 

It had to have been by God's grace, because you seem to be one of those people who coddle and baby their kids into adulthood. Your choice of course. But, just because others choose to teach their children to become independent, does not mean they are wrong and don't love their kids.

 

Thank God you didn't remarry. Some poor man dodged a bullet there. And I honestly mean that, and am not being snarky. If you cannot commit to a marriage and instead will always put children before a marriage, then you are right...DON'T REMARRY.

[Green]

It had to have been by God's grace, because you seem to be one of those people who coddle and baby their kids into adulthood. Your choice of course. But, just because others choose to teach their children to become independent, does not mean they are wrong and don't love their kids.

 

Thank God you didn't remarry. Some poor man dodged a bullet there. And I honestly mean that, and am not being snarky. If you cannot commit to a marriage and instead will always put children before a marriage, then you are right...DON'T REMARRY.

 

Hmmm I wonder if there is a difference between evicting family members and teaching people things? Can you explain what getting evicted teaches you?

 

I was never evicted, I CHOSE to leave, I actually lived at home with FAMILY for over a year after I graduated college RENT FREE. My guess is that I am more sucessful then 100% of the people on here that have no family values. Who EVICTS family, who SUES family. I believe in discipline and respect and hard work ect.... I don't believe in EVICTING FAMILY.

 

To say what you did to another poster on this site whos views you disagree with shows how little RESPECT you have.

[DaisyLeigh]

I don't excuse a family member's bad behavior just because they are "family". And, blood is not always thicker than water either.

 

However, you are right about one thing. I was rude.

 

And I sincerely apologize to Califan for the rude part of my post.

 

But, I do stand by my stance that if you will put your marriage last, then you should not remarry. I also do not believe that coddling people will solve anything, anymore than evicting them.

 

So, what do you do?

[candymoon]

It seems as though, those people who are against him giving the manchild an ultimatum have totally skipped over the the fact that this kid STEALS from the home. I believe that being a THIEF is not only illegal, but is spoken against in the Bible. What fool steals and doesnt expect consequences? What moron steals from the hands that feed, clothe, and house them and not expect the heads of the household to protect said house?

 

Anyway, great going Lin! I, for one, am totally behind your actions. There is no pretty way past this.

 

I have a couple of thoughts too. He seems to not have many chores around the house. And I know he blows them off, but perhaps here's a few things to try, which will also make like uncomfy for him, which I know is part of your goal to kick him into gear to take control of his life. Since, deadlines for chores has never worked in the past as you said, adopt the NOW attitude--ie, you wake him, interrupt his gameplay and say, "come with me do this now." Deadlines are pointless for him--he has no motivation.:

 

1. Stop enabling his long sleeping hours and hours of video gameplay without interruption. If he is asleep when you or your wife start a chore and he could help (hell, he can help with ALL chores around the house now. He IS grown afterall), wake him up.

 

It's especially important now since the summer days are coming and he can have countless hours to sleep on the couch and play his games. For example:

 

a. Stop washing his clothes. Make him do his own g*ddamn laundry.

 

b.Make him assist in meal prep. He is 20, old enough to hold a knife and dice vegetables. If he doesn't know how, he needs to learn to cook as part of self care when he IS out on his own. --remember to reward him with how great the meal is that he helped! that he will be a good cook someday if he keeps it up.--

 

c. He accompanies whomever to the grocery store. Send him on one end of the store to pick up things while you or the wife get stuff on the other end ---reward him with praise on how much faster it went and how easier it was to carry them in with his help--. Make him help put the groceries away too.

 

d. When you start to do yard work, tell him to come with you and help.

 

e. Don't continue to allow the house to be cleaned around his prone and sleeping body if that has been the case thus far. When someone starts housework he have him up right THEN to chip in --same rewards as above--

2. Don't buy him anymore clothes, video games, or other nonessentials. Basically, just feed him and that's it. If he needs an outfit to start a job or to go to interviews obviously it is in his best interest to do that. Obviously at this point, you still need to support supplies for school. We he starts hurting for new jeans and a good pair of kicks, he'll find a way to do it himself.

 

Hell, I'd even go so far as to say have him accompany whomever takes the younger kids school shopping along for the ride. He won't get anything, of course, but that is the motivation. And hey--if he can come up with the money for the rent the last 2 months, he sure as damn well will find a way to support his video game habit and need for new clothes.

 

All I'm saying is: don't let him nap in peace anymore or play his games for hours without interruption. Keep him busy all day or evening as much as you can. At least on weekends when you are both not working.

 

Most importantly, when he does do things, thank him and tell him it was appreciated (even though you really didn't give him a choice), tell him what a good job he's done.

 

Great on everything you've done so far Lin! Please keep the updates coming.