Stepson Evicted From Nest??

[Green]

ps does he smoke weed?

 

Why, do u?

[fooled once]

As the mother of a 21 year old, there is no way, NO WAY, I would ever have allowed him to act the way this way.

 

My son was required to get a job at 15 (it was a bonus that HE wanted a job) He has worked ever since. He wanted to drive? He had to pay the gas and car insurance. He wanted a car, he had to save up 1/2 the cost of a decent used car and we would match him $ for $ (in 1 year of working part time, he saved up $3000 - and we kicked in $3000 and he bought a used car).

 

After he graduated HS, he chose not to go to college. He got an entry level job in a trade and has worked his way up and been there 2 years now. 4 months after graduation, he moved into an apartment with 2 friends. He lived in an apartment for a year, then moved to a townhouse.

 

September of last year, we co-signed on a house with him. HE pays the mortgage.

 

I am so proud of him. There is no way I would ever coddle him nor allow him to think he could live at home, rent free and just float through life. Parents that allow this are not teaching their children responsibility, independence nor how to be self sufficient. They are teaching their children that someone will always be there to bail them out.

 

So, I disagree with the posters who said a parent can't just throw their kid out. Parents can and SHOULD throw their kids out after those kids have been given deadlines and told what is expected. The only person they are harming are those kids.

 

For the OP, I would let the 20 year old know that he needs to pay rent (doesn't matter that he is in a technical school - he still has time to get a job. For heaven's sake - he is going to have to learn to hold a job eventually - time for him to start learning responsibilities!!) He has had 2 months to prepare - quite frankly, he has gotten away with murder by not having to do anything but play video games and web surf.

 

I would lock his computer out of the WiFi until he has a job and starts contributing to the electric bill. I would take his video games away until he can pay for that electricity too.

 

When is he going to be required to grow up? When is he going to be accountable? how long is he going to be a leech on society?

[fooled once]

So here you have been quietly tapping your foot for ten years, thinking how perfect your life would be ... if ..

 

Now I am reminded why the radio psychiatrist tells Everyone, don't remarry until your children have grown.. Why punish the children further.

 

Yes he is now an adult (as you have probably been waiting for - to make your move)..

 

And yes these desparate women marry before their children have grown. And maybe you have saved the day by supporting all. So now you are trying to bluff by asking for the $300. ... or out he goes..

 

I remember when I was in the church.. I was going through a divorce and it appeared that my 18 yr old sons were feeling it as well - as the things they were doing and acting out- because of the hurt and rejection they were feeling with their father leaving. I was told that if they didn't respect the rules of the house - out they should go. I am so glad that as a respectable mother with a Heart, that I ignorred these church members - and knew that that was Not of God.

 

They have grown into wonderful loyal and unbelieveably Responsible men.

 

I remember that a relative had a son who they proudly booted out of the house when he was a young adult.. He went through skid row, and later died.

 

I hope your wife continues to realize that her Loyalty for Her Offspring comes before all other ..

 

Another thought, if you want him to have a job - if that is going to solve the problem, get a job for him ..

 

I couldn't disagree more.

 

I am a step parent. My husband is a step parent to my son. We have been HAPPILY married for 12 years. Our kids are 27, 21 and 19.

 

Loyalty for a child is great - to a point. Coddling an ADULT is not right. What happened to teaching kids independence? What happened to them being able to support themselves? Sorry, but to me, all your post is saying is "poor kids - mean old step dad expecting him to support himself, be a productive member of society and helping himself. Poor widdle kid needs mommy to do everything for him because at 20, he shouldn't be expected to have a job and start his OWN life'.

[fooled once]

Did you ever have a step father or step son? I didn't say 15 hours is hard, but it is full time.

 

Actually 15 CREDIT HOURS are full time - not 15 hours.

 

Many classes are 15 hours and are only 3 credits.

 

At 20, the kid should have a job.

[Green]

Actually 15 CREDIT HOURS are full time - not 15 hours.

 

Many classes are 15 hours and are only 3 credits.

 

At 20, the kid should have a job.

 

I relize he isn't in a college. But at every college I know 3 credit hours meant 3 suposed hours of actual time. Usually class starts late and ends early though. Not to mention at REAL college you don't have to show up except for the test. But im guessing this kid goes to every class or his step dad would have a break down.

[califnan]

But im guessing this kid goes to every class or his step dad would have a break down.

 

----------------------

 

Ha, that is funny ..

[DaisyLeigh]

I relize he isn't in a college. But at every college I know 3 credit hours meant 3 suposed hours of actual time. Usually class starts late and ends early though. Not to mention at REAL college you don't have to show up except for the test. But im guessing this kid goes to every class or his step dad would have a break down.

 

 

Where did you go to college? Because at both colleges I attended, there were rules about attendance.

[Green]

Where did you go to college? Because at both colleges I attended, there were rules about attendance.

 

Well that says more about your college then mine.

[DaisyLeigh]

Well that says more about your college then mine.

 

I was not being a smart-alec. I was asking a serious question. With your superior educational background, surely you can manage to do that without being snide.

 

Are you seriously telling me that you never had to attend class? Ever? Just show up for tests? There were no lectures, no taking notes, nothing? No labs? No projects or term papers?

 

That would have been difficult with my Intro to Public Speaking class. We had several speeches to write and give, and a group project due on the last class night. You could only miss so much of that class.

Edited April 25, 2010 by DaisyLeigh

[Green]

I was not being a smart-alec. I was asking a serious question. With your superior educational background, surely you can manage to do that without being snide.

 

Are you seriously telling me that you never had to attend class? Ever? Just show up for tests? There were no lectures, no taking notes, nothing? No labs? No projects or term papers?

 

That would have been difficult with my Intro to Public Speaking class. We had several speeches to write and give, and a group project due on the last class night. You could only miss so much of that class.

 

I was required to take such a class and yes you would have to show up for the many speeches. My degree didn't have labs and got credit for classes like Biology that would have had a lab by taking at test called the CLEP where if you pass the test they just give you credit for the class with out any GPA. Taking the CLEP test is a great way to get credit for college level math and science ect. by taking only one test. In graduate school they can really care less if you show up. I had to write really big papers that needed to be turned in on time and show up to my finals but that was about it.

[DaisyLeigh]

I was required to take such a class and yes you would have to show up for the many speeches. My degree didn't have labs and got credit for classes like Biology that would have had a lab by taking at test called the CLEP where if you pass the test they just give you credit for the class with out any GPA. Taking the CLEP test is a great way to get credit for college level math and science ect. by taking only one test. In graduate school they can really care less if you show up. I had to write really big papers that needed to be turned in on time and show up to my finals but that was about it.

 

Thank you for the polite answer.

 

I do know what the CLEP is, and didn't have to take as many English classes because of it.

 

I do not have a graduate degree, so I am only familiar with undergrad classes. That is why I was a bit perplexed.

[Green]

Thank you for the polite answer.

 

I do know what the CLEP is, and didn't have to take as many English classes because of it.

 

I do not have a graduate degree, so I am only familiar with undergrad classes. That is why I was a bit perplexed.

 

Well my only point is that if this guy spends 15 hours a week taking classes toward something that is going to become his career... his step dad should probably lay off him... because I spent far less a week toward my career.

 

Its not just his house either and he really seems to think his wife should just go along with anything he says.

[fooled once]

I relize he isn't in a college. But at every college I know 3 credit hours meant 3 suposed hours of actual time. Usually class starts late and ends early though. Not to mention at REAL college you don't have to show up except for the test. But im guessing this kid goes to every class or his step dad would have a break down.

 

I would hope ANY parent PAYING for school would have a break down if their kid didn't go.

 

3 hours a day for 1 class isn't full time. Sorry, you can't explain that as full time. That is part time AT BEST. Quite frankly, he is a lazy irresponsible man. I would definitely put a time table on his free ride. Any responsible parent would.

 

And why should HE continue to go along with what the wife wants? It IS his house too. He has watched this go on for years. It isn't as if it just started.

 

Green, are you a parent? Are you a step parent?

[califnan]

Fooled Once, I wouldn't kick my son out of the house - no matter how old he was. But then I wouldn't pay for an extended education for someone who showed no interest either..

 

He should be encouraged to get a job - Any job. But I still wouldn't kick my son out, regardless.

[DaisyLeigh]

Fooled Once, I wouldn't kick my son out of the house - no matter how old he was. But then I wouldn't pay for an extended education for someone who showed no interest either..

 

He should be encouraged to get a job - Any job. But I still wouldn't kick my son out, regardless.

 

 

What do you mean by "encouraged"?

 

In my parent's house, you worked. There was no "encouraging". And at 20, I was in college and on my own. I worked two jobs during summers, as well. Flopping around the house, playing video games would not have been an option.

[fooled once]

Fooled Once, I wouldn't kick my son out of the house - no matter how old he was. But then I wouldn't pay for an extended education for someone who showed no interest either..

 

He should be encouraged to get a job - Any job. But I still wouldn't kick my son out, regardless.

 

I would *shrug* I love my son dearly, but the job of a parent is to raise them and let them fly. It isn't to have them live at home with mommy forever. How is that teaching independence? There comes a time when it is time for an ADULT to not live with their parents. I understand some are slower than others, some have less drive and ambition, some are too needy. But if you were to die tomorrow, how would your kid survive since you aren't there to hand hold him? Even worse, if he meets someone and marries them, you just dumped off a lump onto another woman and she gets to see how he hasn't been taught how to be independent.

 

There is a difference between kicking out a kid and encouraging a kid to be on their own. There is a difference in a kid living at home while working AND going to school. There is a difference in a kid living at home to save up money and a kid living at home, rent free and spending willy nilly. There is a difference between hard times and not giving a damn about anyone but yourself.

 

And if you read the OP's posts, he has TRIED to encourage the kid to get a job. The kid is refusing and the MOTHER isn't demanding it. There is NO reason this adult can't work after school or weekends. Like I said, my son started working at 15 and when he graduated, he graduated with honors. After graduation, he worked a full time AND a part time job. He has drive and ambition.

 

Sorry, but to 'allow' any kid over the age of 22 to freely live at home and NOT expect rent is stupid, IMHO. You are teaching them to leach off people and not make their own way in life.

[califnan]

He is 20 - and both the stepson and stepfather have other problems ..

[DaisyLeigh]

He is 20 - and both the stepson and stepfather have other problems ..

 

 

Yes, he is 20. Not a 10 yr old child, but an adult, grown MAN of 20. Who should be making his own way in the world, not being coddled and allowed to sit on his butt playing video games for hours on end.

[fooled once]

He is 20 - and both the stepson and stepfather have other problems ..

 

I know how old he is.

 

And what exactly is the stepfather's problem? That he is tired of his freeloading stepson doing nothing, being disrespectful and being allowed to use his home as a hotel (but the difference is at hotels, you do have to pay your bill).

 

This man has been told for years to get a job. He chose not to. Since he can't seem to do that, then it is time for him to move on and see how well he does on his own.

 

Quite frankly, the MOTHER is the one who deserves the most blame here for allowing this child of hers to run her house and for not putting her foot down, for not following through. Her son is a product of crappy parenting.

[Savanna-O]

Ohh my, this is a difficult situation to be in.. Would you feel differently about kicking him out if he was your own?

 

I know you have more or less raised him, but I do believe it is slightly different when they are not your own.. I hate saying that to you because you may feel in your heart that there is no difference.

 

Do you think there would be a difference in your approach and behaviour towards him if he was your own?

 

What I mean is, although he is appearing to be a lay-about.. we seemt to have more patience and understanding when it is our own blood.. would you agree to that? and thats maybe why your wife is being more understanding and patient?

 

Idk.. as I said it's- a difficult one, I feel for your situation.

[Green]

Ohh my, this is a difficult situation to be in.. Would you feel differently about kicking him out if he was your own?

 

My guess is yes he would, and for me this is the root of the problem.

 

I know you have more or less raised him, but I do believe it is slightly different when they are not your own.. I hate saying that to you because you may feel in your heart that there is no difference.

 

I really don't think he did do much to raise this kid, at least from what I hear he stayed out of his way when it came to such things. I think it is very different then the way he will treat his daughter.

 

Do you think there would be a difference in your approach and behaviour towards him if he was your own?

 

He won't admit it but in my opinion his approach would have been completely different.

 

What I mean is, although he is appearing to be a lay-about.. we seemt to have more patience and understanding when it is our own blood.. would you agree to that? and thats maybe why your wife is being more understanding and patient?

 

When It comes to his biological daughter... if she is 20 years old living at home and in some day beauty school or what ever... I really doub he'd hassle her if thats all she did and just talked on the phone or watched tv or what ever. I really doubt he would want to kick her out.

 

UPDATES WHERE ARE THEY?

[califnan]

As with some of the prev posters who boast of their "tough love" and their wonder kids..

 

Well I have wonder kids too, but I managed with unconditional love.. And I believe that the makeup of a person doesn't have anything to do with a strict parent.

 

As I have said before, I believe there are problems with both the stepson and stepfather - that should be addressed .

[donnamaybe]

You seriously believe there is NEVER a time when "tough love" needs to come into play?

 

How long do you allow a lazy slacker to suck you dry before you finally say "Enough!"? Some will, you know, and SOMEONE has to portray the mother bird who pushes their babies out of the nest so they can learn to fly. Otherwise you'll wind up with a child who has no concept of how to take care of themselves, and you WILL die some day. It's inevitable.

[Green]

You seriously believe there is NEVER a time when "tough love" needs to come into play?

 

How long do you allow a lazy slacker to suck you dry before you finally say "Enough!"? Some will, you know, and SOMEONE has to portray the mother bird who pushes their babies out of the nest so they can learn to fly. Otherwise you'll wind up with a child who has no concept of how to take care of themselves, and you WILL die some day. It's inevitable.

 

He's twenty and he lives in their house while going to school... how is that sucking them dry.

[donnamaybe]

He's twenty and he lives in their house while going to school... how is that sucking them dry.

 

In the OP's case, he does have a gripe. spending 4 hours at school does not absolve this boy of doing anything else. According to the OP, all he does outside of those measly four hours is play video games.

 

However, I was referring to a certain poster's inference that tough love should never be used - ever.

Edited April 28, 2010 by donnamaybe