Stepson Evicted From Nest??

[Green]

the bottom line is that as long as the boy (young man) is comfortable, he has no reason to make an effort to work.

 

so the solution is to make him uncomfortable enough to start working.

 

he will never begin to grow up if he's not encouraged to do so. this is real life. we work, we pay our way. this is just the beginning of learning how to live and survive in the world.

 

we, as parents, aren't supposed to teach our kids how to be financially dependent upon us for their adult lives. that is a disservice to the young man.

 

for the unmotivated ones, who are capable of working - but are lazy, they need to be pushed a bit more firmly to start the process called life. to wait until he's 30 or 40 years old is way too late. he'll be a 30 year old trying to find a starter job and competing against 16-20 year old motivated kids who want to work and earn an income.

 

He is 20, he goes to school 15 hours a week. What exactly do you think should be done. And if you want please share your experiences in this situation.

[2sunny]

He is 20, he goes to school 15 hours a week. What exactly do you think should be done. And if you want please share your experiences in this situation.

 

i have shared my experience with my boys. if i had left it to them - they would spend all of the time they're not in school at the beach... which they used to do. i'm not working full time for them to not participate in life and life lessons. they need to carry their own load... not me carrying mine and theirs.

 

now they work and go to school. this allows them to have gas for their car and spending money when they want to date or have fun.

 

when i was 20 i was going to school at night after working a full time job. i learned what can be accomplished by effort put into getting things done. it never hurt me to stay busy and productive. there were 9 kids in our family and we learned early that we needed to find a way to grow up and be self supporting. no harm in learning what life is about.

 

my kids are learning the same thing.

 

the easier parents make it to have a free ride - the more the kids think they are entitled to have it all with little or no effort. being a parent is about teaching them to be responsible young people who can support themselves and take care of things.

[Green]

I had a job myself since highschool for gas and spending money. but at the end of the day I didn't work for about 2 years while in undergrad. I never had to worry about paying the rent when I was 20 because my family took care of that.

 

So like I said yes he should get a job. But no he shouldn't have to pay rent or leave the house.

[quankanne]

the easier parents make it to have a free ride - the more the kids think they are entitled to have it all with little or no effort. being a parent is about teaching them to be responsible young people who can support themselves and take care of things.

 

exactly the point Lin is trying to make with wife about her son. Its not that he doesn't care about the kid or force his work ethic on him as Green suggests, but because he understands what the real world is about and wants to prepare him. Hell – even the younger of the two boys gets this!

 

as for 15 hours being hard on a college student, please. I worked full-time and went to school full-time the last two years of college – and busted my butt writing for the campus paper, yet another "full-time" job because it was on the job training. But hey, that's what motivated people do ...

[Green]

the easier parents make it to have a free ride - the more the kids think they are entitled to have it all with little or no effort. being a parent is about teaching them to be responsible young people who can support themselves and take care of things.

 

exactly the point Lin is trying to make with wife about her son. Its not that he doesn't care about the kid or force his work ethic on him as Green suggests, but because he understands what the real world is about and wants to prepare him. Hell – even the younger of the two boys gets this!

 

as for 15 hours being hard on a college student, please. I worked full-time and went to school full-time the last two years of college – and busted my butt writing for the campus paper, yet another "full-time" job because it was on the job training. But hey, that's what motivated people do ...

 

Did you ever have a step father or step son? I didn't say 15 hours is hard, but it is full time.

[califnan]

You do not know what the OP's income or expenses are. Assuming what they are will not support your views. And what would you have done if your son's had not had jobs and not contributed to the bills while still tapping the income you brought home from your job? Would you still have that large home to bring your aging mother to when she needs care?

 

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I can only assume that a husband and wife together - have a better chance at earnings than a single divorced woman - just starting out.

 

My sons would not have tapped my income, even if they didn't have jobs.. I do not believe in spending $8000. on extended schooling (or college) on a disinterested child.

 

And trust me, a little utility money - never paid for my new home. Not in Calif .. ha

[califnan]

Lin, You have admitted to being at the end of your rope, and with resentment.. Let it go. Let your wife take care of the situation - and without your nagging..

[2sunny]

Lin -

 

IF your wife goes back on her word and has the son stay after May 1st without paying the 300.00 - do you have a consequence for her going back on her word and commitment to you?

 

what is the boundary you have in all this, what is the plan when May comes and goes?

[txsilkysmoothe]

OP, I was a step-parent for a short time. The difficulties with my husband's children seriously contributed to our failed marriage so I understand your reason for disengaging. However, I don't believe you avoided a problem, you merely delayed it. You had an opportunity to influence the lives of two young boys (10 and 7). I didn't see any reference to their father so I am assuming he was out of the picture. Whether he was or not, it appears you were their best hope for a good male role model. Knowing their mother was a weak disciplinarian and having accepted her as such, it was up to you to instill within them ambition, work ethic, goals, etc. I know you think it would have been the end of your marriage and perhaps you're right.

 

These are not boys, 17 and 20 - they are young men. They don't respect their mother or you. I divorced when my son was less than a year old. I raised him with no financial support from his father who was absent from his life. My son started his first job when he was 14. I told him if he wanted a car at 16, he would have to save for it because I could not afford to buy him one. He saved and bought it. He worked part-time all through high school. He earned a four year college scholarship, but he hated school and didn't want to go to college. He didn't, but he got a full-time job after he graduated. He became a plumbing apprentice and has been doing that for about 3 years. He is now 23 and just passed the plumbers Journeyman exam. His employer must pay him higher wages as a result. He has a mortgage, a fiancee and a son. He's made some big mistakes but keeps learning and growing. I mention my son only because I'm struck by the differences in maturity/drive between him and your stepson.

 

You've allowed him to behave this way for 10 years and allowed his mother to be the way she has for 10 years, how can you now expect anything different from them?

[califnan]

I just wonder if him and his stepson ever just go out and enjoy time togather. It really seems like a warzone for both him and his son. Him trying to force his work ethic at his son, and his son rebelling. I mean I realize they will probably never have a father son relationship but it seems they lack love for eachother

 

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Yes, I agree Green .. And what's with this: I got to discipline them in the three years before marriage - but not afterward.

 

I'm not even a Dr. Laura fan, but I can see her point about people remarrying After their existing children are grown. Reason: Because the kids coming out of a divorce, have Enough problems, that's why.

 

If I had remarried during the time of my sons' childhood, he would have disciplined them: When pigs fly.

[Stung]

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Yes, I agree Green .. And what's with this: I got to discipline them in the three years before marriage - but not afterward.

 

I'm not even a Dr. Laura fan, but I can see her point about people remarrying After their existing children are grown. Reason: Because the kids coming out of a divorce, have Enough problems, that's why.

 

If I had remarried during the time of my sons' childhood, he would have disciplined them: When pigs fly.

 

 

Apparently that's your chosen method, but it doesn't apply here. They've been married ten years, Linwood is unlikely to stumble across a time machine and go back to change it all on your and Dr. Laura's say-so.

 

I am a step-parent and I get along very well with my stepdaughter. I have been in her life for several years; she is now ten. I am not and never will be her mother, but I AM one of her parents. I do her laundry, I make her lunches, I help her with her homework, I take her to the dentist, I get her entrolled in summer camp, I buy her clothes, I play games with her and tell her stories, and yes, I discipline her. We are family with all that implies, she is one of my kids, she is my son's sister--just as Linwood's stepson is his daughter's brother.

 

A lack of motivation in a 20-year-old is certainly not unheard of, but it seems this boy lacks character. He lies, steals, is cruel to his girlfriends. He takes one class and is not even benefiting from it due to his own laziness. These are all terrible signs for his future.

 

I'm torn, I see the value in the tough-love approach and I completely understand not wanting to enable bad behavior--I have seen some potential results of endless coddling and it's not pretty. As the OP said, his wife's brother still mooches and is making nothing of his life at 37. Linwood's stepson is young for it yet but is fast approaching an age when his lack of achievement is likely to become something he is depressed about and ashamed of, which could make him retreat even further into himself. I understand this kid might need to be forced to learn to stand on his own two feet.

 

However, I do agree with previous posters who have wondered about the boy's mental/emotional state. Linwood, you say nothing is wrong with him, but is that just your opinion? Has he ever been evaluated for anything? It could just be failure to launch but some of this behavior could also stem from something like depression, disthymia maybe. Is there some trauma in his past you aren't aware of that has stunted his emotional growth?

 

He has only a few days left. I would drag him somewhere to get him evaluated mentally, maybe hormonally. And I would talk to his mom again because you two really need to get on the same page, at this rate this is going to destroy your marriage. Tell him you're going to hold off on your ultimatum for a little while, only until he gets the Dr. results back; if he has a problem that can be dealt with he can stay while he gets help, if he is just lazy, selfish and manipulative, the contract everyone agreed to should be adhered to.

 

Some people have to learn things the hard way.

[silverfish]

Have you thought about making him sell his PS and cutting off the internet....then start billing him for his meals. Make him suffer some consequences for the behaviour. Do they have this halloween paty at your house? If so,tell him he's got to hire his own venue this year.

 

Does he by any chance smoke a lot of weed?

[califnan]

Have you thought about making him sell his PS and cutting off the internet....then start billing him for his meals. .

 

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Stop it already..

 

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Does he by any chance smoke a lot of weed?

 

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This is what I have been wondering .. Is he into drugs or pot.

[califnan]

 

 

However, I do agree with previous posters who have wondered about the boy's mental/emotional state. Linwood, you say nothing is wrong with him, but is that just your opinion? Has he ever been evaluated for anything? It could just be failure to launch but some of this behavior could also stem from something like depression, disthymia maybe. Is there some trauma in his past you aren't aware of that has stunted his emotional growth?

 

.

 

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Agreed. If no one in his life is close enough to pull out of him, his reasoning for not wishing to go forward - then he should be mentally, physically evaluated to r/o - if nothing else.

 

Since all around have made him to know that he is not going forward - then I do not believe it is manipulation on his part. It could be mental, physical, drugs/pot, fear. And my opinion is that everyone has an interest(s). An interest that could be pursued in the right job situation - if you do not wish to spend the next years paying for classes.

[Lizzie60]

I said it earlier.. Lin .. you should suggest that he'd be evaluated physically and mentally... just to rule out any 'health' problems..

 

Depression has many 'faces'... lack of motivation can be one of them...

 

I was severely depressed for 6 years.. and absolutely no one could have tell... human behaviours are very strange sometimes..

[2sure]

Eww. So, since he was 10 years old the child has been basically raised by a complacent mother and a non involved step father.

The outcome isnt surprising.

But its too late to lay blame and because of his attitude you dont want to say hey, this is your mom's fault. But still, who lets a kid sit and play video games for ...years?? The time to teach him to do for himself and insist that he do so...was a long time ago. Better late than never, he is only 20.

 

Yes, he needs to grow up. But, no one does that in 2 months. Tossing him into the street without a job just doesnt seem realistic.

How does he get to and from school? Is there a way for him to get to and from a job without a car? You arent asking for much money so as long as he can get there...he certainly should be able to find something for 15 hrs a week.

 

He has no direction, no ambition, no motivation, etc...I feel bad for you.

But , those learned life skills...since he has not been taught them he doesnt just magically get them. If he is going to school full time that might be enough. Get rid of the video games , I mean, someone needs to say that? Toss em. Have him paint the house in his spare time. When he is finished with school, he goes to work. Period.

[2sunny]

all the video equipment and games would magically disappear immediately if my kid was so obsessed with them that it kept them from living a motivated existence.

 

have him evaluated, including a series of drug tests. if you don't understand first that he does or doesn't have something standing in the way of him being capable - then you are just left wondering if he's just lazy or if he may have a problem that's of concern.

 

if nothing is in the way - get him working.

[silverfish]

It would be difficult to 'make' a 20 yr old go to a doctors for any sort of assesment, and even if he did, the results would be confidential. The issue would be between the son and his doctor.

 

If he's taking drugs of some description, it could be possible to get him tested (with his consent) as a condition of continuing to live at home. I think anything like this is likely to antagonise him further, but then there is the old fallback of 'our house, our rules'.

 

Whatever happens, he needs to contribute in some way. He needs to make some sacrifices and give his own time at the very least - i think getting him painting is a good idea. Does he do any chores at the moment? Can he cook? Does he get shopping?

 

I would get rid of his gaming stuff / computer and take it from there.

[2sunny]

another thing- IF he does move out, you better change the locks...

[D-Lish]

He sounds like a typical, lazy, 20 year old kid. BUT, he IS going to school.

You seriously want to kick him out while in school? That's brutal in my opinion.

 

You don't seem to have much faith in this kid- but you don't seem to be giving him a sliver of a chance either. He hasn't even graduated and you are predicting he won't.

 

Are you sure your personal agenda isn't playing a part in your resentment for this child?

[silverfish]

He sounds like a typical, lazy, 20 year old kid. BUT, he IS going to school.

You seriously want to kick him out while in school? That's brutal in my opinion.

 

You don't seem to have much faith in this kid- but you don't seem to be giving him a sliver of a chance either. He hasn't even graduated and you are predicting he won't.

 

Are you sure your personal agenda isn't playing a part in your resentment for this child?

 

He's 20 yrs old now...the damage may have been done but he is no longer a child. He is behaving like one, and that has been allowed to happen.

 

I agree that kicking him out right now seems extreme, but it's not unreasonable to ask for rent. If he can't / won't pay it then there should be consequences that affect him materially.

 

There are lots of young men who behave like this in their late teens / early 20's - I work with a similar sounding guy every day who is 22 and just leaving home. He smokes a lot of weed, turns up late for work and so on, but he has got his act together mostly after a shaky start.

 

That age they need discipline and strong boundaries, and they like to know where they stand. A strong male role model of some description even if it's just his boss or teacher would make a difference. He needs to learn that this behaviour won't wash in the real world pretty fast before gets gets into more trouble.

[DaisyLeigh]

I went to school full time, worked part time and paid my parents rent when I was 18 and in vocational school. My parents split and I lived with Dad until he remarried and kicked me and my sister out of the house for no reason. So, I went to live with my aunt and paid her rent, the summer before I went to the University, at 19. I paid my mom rent and helped with housework and groceries during summers.

 

I have worked since age 12, in one capacity or another.

 

I got my own apartment at 22, and married at 23.

 

This is not a 16 year old child. This is a 20 yr old ADULT. I know guys who are roommates at that age, who pay their own way and go to school, or even ones who just work and still pay their own way.

 

OP, you WILL have a 30 yr old LEECH, if his mother doesn't get her head out of her ass, like my mother, who allows my nearly 40 yr old brother to sponge off of her.

 

I am raising MY boys to be independent, hard workers and good money managers, to the best of my ability. NO ONE will flop on the couch and play hours of video games in MY house.

[donnamaybe]

all the video equipment and games would magically disappear immediately if my kid was so obsessed with them that it kept them from living a motivated existence.

 

Funny - that's what I do when my 15 year old son's homework starts to slide. The PS2 comes to my office and gets stashed in my desk drawer, and the computer is password protected. If he doesn't work hard to get things back above board, I also put a password on the DirecTV so he can't watch that either.

[tigereyes1428]

I apologise if i have missed anything as i did not read all the replies. I feel for you - your in a horrid position my only advice would be to ban the video games - its your house - you can do this. whilst i dont agree that people should never play them - i have seen first hand how people get so into them that they lose all momentum and get up and go to do anything else. everything can wait til next day - tell him you refuse to pay the electric for him to sit on his ass all day playing games -

also - have you suggested maybe taking up a hobby with him - this may be out your comfort zone but just an idea - i think if he was not allowed to play games for 10 hours then he would surely be more inclined to fill his time with something else.. hopefully not sleeping though :-)

one of the hardest things about being a parent or step parent is letting them go and accepting just because you and his mum want more for him does not mean he wants it - you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

it his life and if he chooses to ruin it or waste it then you cant control that - its awful but true - you have given him the very best start and have given him a lovely stable life by the sounds of it - morally the rest is up to him -

also - if you do the same thing every day then dont be surprised when nothing ever changes - point this out to your wife.

he has to want more for his life as it does not matter how much everyone else wants it - he has to want it for himself.

your all in my thoughts - feel free to message me anytime for a chat

[tigereyes1428]

ps does he smoke weed?