Stepson Evicted From Nest??

[califnan]

I think your wife should make the calls regarding her son, without any further input from you .. And without the obvious Power Play that is going on in that home.

[linwood]

I think your wife should make the calls regarding her son, without any further input from you .. And without the obvious Power Play that is going on in that home.

 

That again is simply not an option.

 

Marriage is a partnership and this situation affects all of my children deeply.

 

So let me ask you.

 

What would be a good age to expect a young man to begin working towards an independent self-sustaining life?

 

On our limited income and savings exactly how long should I continue to invest in this one child`s unfocussed meanderings as far as schooling,support,insurance, etc .

 

Should I continue to invest until this senseless situation has consumed the resources we have to support our next child to be of college age?

 

Should we continue to until we`ve seriously compromised both of our other children while senselessly sacrificing everything on this one?

 

Or should we perhaps sacrifice both children AND any hope of comfortable retirement while continuing to work 60 hours a week into our 70`s?

 

If he`s still living here sleeping 10 hours a day going to school three hours a day and playing video games another 10 hours a day when he`s 30 is that acceptable?

 

When do you make that call?

 

Do you believe if you make that call too late it will be to the detriment of the child in question or helpful to him?

 

Could you answer these questions for me?

 

Thanks.

[califnan]

I was on more of a limited income than probably you are - after the divorce.

 

Yes my sons had jobs. I asked them to only split the utilities three ways with me. I still had a mortgage.. And I worked a low paying job and cooked until the cows come home .. and loved it.

 

My first son was able to save up enough for a downpayment on his home, and left when he was about 30. My second son left when he was 35 because I live out further out now (for his commuting) .. With the rotten economy the way it is in Calif with business going down - my sons could stay with me anytime they would wish.. And God has now blessed me with a big house.. Furthermore, at another time I will probably have to take my mother in.

 

When you married, you knew she had two children. It is not your call to have a timeclock on the family.

[sally4sara]

I was on more of a limited income than probably you are - after the divorce.

 

Yes my sons had jobs. I asked them to only split the utilities three ways with me. I still had a mortgage.. And I worked a low paying job and cooked until the cows come home .. and loved it.

 

You do not know what the OP's income or expenses are. Assuming what they are will not support your views. And what would you have done if your son's had not had jobs and not contributed to the bills while still tapping the income you brought home from your job? Would you still have that large home to bring your aging mother to when she needs care?

 

My first son was able to save up enough for a downpayment on his home, and left when he was about 30. My second son left when he was 35 because I live out further out now (for his commuting) .. With the rotten economy the way it is in Calif with business going down - my sons could stay with me anytime they would wish.. And God has now blessed me with a big house.. Furthermore, at another time I will probably have to take my mother in.

 

When you married, you knew she had two children. It is not your call to have a time clock on the family.

 

Is it not his family too? For one who speaks against abortion, you don't seem to recognize children need to be parented by someone even if not their biological parents.

[Green]

I really don’t think you are sacrificing the other kids by allowing him to stay at home. If you want to keep things equal then refuse to pay for college past a certain point if you can’t afford it. But I don’t think at 20 if he is going to school he should be kicked out of the house. You say you have this kids best interest at heart but it is obvious how mad you are with him, and I’m sure it is easy for him to see you favor every one else in the family over him. If you don’t realize that we live in a world where people get help from there family well past the age of 20 you are kidding yourself. You are also kidding yourself if you think he should be some driven person and if he’s not cut him off at age 20. Why don’t you go rent him a place if you want him out of the house so bad?

[quankanne]

Yes my sons had jobs. I asked them to only split the utilities three ways with me. I still had a mortgage.. And I worked a low paying job and cooked until the cows come home .. and loved it.

 

you have obviously been blessed with sons who love and respect you to a point that they helped out however they could. However, not every family has that kind of dynamic, as evidenced here.

 

what OP is dealing with is a step child who DOESN"T have that basic respect for his mama, but who takes advantage of her. Establishing a specific goal and ramifications for not meeting them isn't out of the question; it's not like the kid's gonna lose anything but a lazy nature, IMO. Money he pays for rent is getting stashed for his future use, which tells me that lin and his wife are still looking after him, with his help.

 

frankly, I'm amazed that his wife has allowed this BS to go on for so long. Nobody likes a leach, and at some point, she's going to realize this is what she's raising, not a productive member of society.

 

Lin – maybe it's time to sit down with wifey and ask her what she wants. That if the deadline passes and she doesn't see through on the consequences she's established, why even bother trying to set any kind of parameters in the first place? Because by then, it will be obvious to all concerned that she craves his approval more than his respect ...

 

you're right about it affecting the morale of the other children in the house – been there, done that, tried to be the model child after my sibs left home because I felt bad for my parents having to put up with their wild ways. Which creates some harsh feelings along the way, no matter how much you love your sibling ...

[linwood]

When you married, you knew she had two children. It is not your call to have a timeclock on the family.

 

Actually it is my call when you get right down to it.

 

I`m trying to make the right one for everyone.

 

I do see you seem unable to answer my questions though.

 

Thanks anyway.

[califnan]

Actually it is my call when you get right down to it.

 

I`m trying to make the right one for everyone.

 

I do see you seem unable to answer my questions though.

 

Thanks anyway.

 

-------------------

 

No. You are trying to put a square peg into a round hole. You are a controller .. and it is not going to work .. Even if you throw him out of the house, you will reap for it.

[califnan]

I really don’t think you are sacrificing the other kids by allowing him to stay at home. If you want to keep things equal then refuse to pay for college past a certain point if you can’t afford it. But I don’t think at 20 if he is going to school he should be kicked out of the house. You say you have this kids best interest at heart but it is obvious how mad you are with him, and I’m sure it is easy for him to see you favor every one else in the family over him. If you don’t realize that we live in a world where people get help from there family well past the age of 20 you are kidding yourself. You are also kidding yourself if you think he should be some driven person and if he’s not cut him off at age 20. Why don’t you go rent him a place if you want him out of the house so bad?

 

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Lin: Read what Green is saying .. If you don't help your family - Who will you act like you are helping.. (Except for your illusion that you are helping all by getting rid of their brother)..

 

Reminds me of America .. Allowing legalized abortion (baby killing) while going over to other countries acting like we are wonderful. ha

[quankanne]

not sure how trying to help his wife figure out a way to teach their child to become more responsible = being controlling. Frankly, if it were me, the kid would have been conscripted into the army the minute he turned 18!

[quankanne]

Frankly, if it were me, the kid would have been conscripted into the army the minute he turned 18!

 

... if he showed no initiative to study or hold down a job to give him skills to survive in the real world – or both.

[Green]

Why not tell him that he needs to give you a percentage of what he earns and that when he decides to move out you will give him all the money you have colected plus bank interest. Also, if he refuses to work, make him do things around the house like mow the lawn and clean the bathrooms ect. until he gets a job. Once he gets a job if he is makeing 1k a month I say ask him for 20% 200$...

 

I just think he is still young at 20 to not have the open option of staying at home. I don't think he should be disrespectful but I find that a seperate issue from getting kicked out. You seem to like the other kids better then him and that is unfair. My step father was the same way showed favoritism toward the other kids, and its very painful.

[califnan]

not sure how trying to help his wife figure out a way to teach their child to become more responsible = being controlling. Frankly, if it were me, the kid would have been conscripted into the army the minute he turned 18!

 

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Lin; If I had remarried I would not let a new husband gang up on my son(s). You have even brought his brother into it .. It seems to me that he may have other problems that haven't been addressed, anyway..

[Green]

I also don't see how the OP is being controlling. They made a deal, the boy agreed to it, now the time is up he should live up to it. The mom would not be helping anything by undermining her partner's authority. She really should be on her husband's side, especially if the son is as moochie as the OP lets him on to be. The boy is contributing nothing to the family except a lot of game and internet usage. The only problem I see is the husband's lack of parenting from early on, but he admitted that he was at fault there.

Also, if the kid is only going to school from 12-3 I am assuming he is not a full time student? I could understand more if he was full time and in school... but when you are only part time, well then he should at least have a job.

 

If its 12-3 monday through friday its over what a full student does typicaly 12-15 credit hours a semester.

[linwood]

I really don’t think you are sacrificing the other kids by allowing him to stay at home.

 

I don`t think they`re being sacrificed yet either.

 

But if this continues to go into this boys 30`s (as it would seem is acceptable for some in this thread) then everyone`s life in this house is screwed.

 

If you want to keep things equal then refuse to pay for college past a certain point if you can’t afford it. But I don’t think at 20 if he is going to school he should be kicked out of the house.

 

The money is not the issue(yet).

I`ve said that repeatedly in this thread.

 

I have also stated that this boy is wasting his time in school.

This boy has always wasted his time in school.

 

If I sent him to plumbing school and after 2 semesters he couldn`t tell me what a monkey wrench was do you think I might have just the slightest reason to believe he`s wasting everyone`s time?

 

Because that is the equivalent of where he is at.

 

You don`t take a graphics arts class for 2 semesters and not know what a psd file is.

It simply can`t happen unless you aren`t paying attention or not actually going.

 

You say you have this kids best interest at heart but it is obvious how mad you are with him, and I’m sure it is easy for him to see you favor every one else in the family over him.

 

This is quite untrue.

If anything the other kids in the house if asked would say I`m favoring him.

Why?

Because he gets away with **** they would never get away with.

Because I have devoted more thought, time, and effort into fixing this kid for the past year than anything else and they see that.

 

He`s the only one who doesn`t see that

 

If you don’t realize that we live in a world where people get help from there family well past the age of 20 you are kidding yourself.

 

I`ve never said otherwise I`ve never said I would stop helping him in fact I`ve said the opposite several times.

You seem to have issues.

Please actually read my posts before responding.

 

You are also kidding yourself if you think he should be some driven person and if he’s not cut him off at age 20. Why don’t you go rent him a place if you want him out of the house so bad?

 

WTF are you talking about?

I never even IMPLIED such a thing!

 

Please cite any post where I even alluded to a desire to "cut him off".

Please cite a post where I`ve stated I want him out of the house.

 

You can`t because I`ve never said any of these things nor do I feel them.

 

In fact I`ve directly stated the opposite in response to your earlier post.

I stated I would support him indefinitely.

I may have even stated that I preferred him to continue living here because I do.

 

I don`t care if he`s "driven" I just want him to muster the energy to put the PS controller down and get off the couch before his choices are even fewer than they already are.

 

Again please read and respond to my posts instead of responding to your imagination

 

He`s a 20 year old without a single day of work experience to his resume.

 

He`s yet again failing in school only now he can fail all he wants and the school will just keep cashing the checks and calling his name at roll every day.

 

He spends 10 hours sleeping 10 hours playing games

and 3 hours at school every day.

That`s his day almost every single day for the past two-three years.

 

He is demonstrably dishonest and cannot be trusted.

 

You all seem to feel offspring should be coddled until they decide to maybe find the courage and motivation to actually face life and if they never do they should simply continue to be coddled.

What kind of person does this system produce?

It can`t be good..

 

If anyone is still interested in the original OP

 

I came here to for advice on how to support my wife in doing what she has stated is the right thing to do.

AND

To ask for advice on what I might do to motivate this boy into getting his **** together before he destroys his life.

 

Anyone else got anything on that?

[linwood]

Why not tell him that he needs to give you a percentage of what he earns and that when he decides to move out you will give him all the money you have colected plus bank interest.

 

Because the money isn`t the point.

And because a percentage of 0 is 0.

 

Also, if he refuses to work, make him do things around the house like mow the lawn and clean the bathrooms ect. until he gets a job.

 

Because he won`t and I have no power now to make him.

This is why I disengaged from parenting.

 

We can make any agreement we want, he won`t hold up his end.

I have 13 years of experience with this kid I`ve done this already.

I`ll ask him to mow the lawn 20 times and 20 times he say ok but he won`t do it.

I`ll confront him he`ll run to his mom his mom will tell him he should have mowed the lawn.

He`ll create days worth of stress over this one little thing that his mother will just throw up her hands in helplessness and eventually start feeling like I`m the one always bitching because he does nothing.

She begins to resent me.

I`ve seen this, I`ve played this game.

This is a game that will bring everyone down.

 

Once he gets a job if he is makeing 1k a month I say ask him for 20% 200$...

 

When will he get a job?

How is a kid who never leaves the couch supposed to get a job?

How can I force an adult to get a job?

What power do I have to motivate him?

 

Yet again, the money is not the issue.

Te issue is him getting a life before he can`t get a life.

 

I just think he is still young at 20 to not have the open option of staying at home.

 

He has the option of staying at home.

That`s the option we gave him.

There are certain things he needs to do to keep that option open.

He won`t do them.

 

What are my options?

 

I don't think he should be disrespectful but I find that a seperate issue from getting kicked out.

 

I don`t.

I don`t think you should bite the hand that feeds you.

He isn`t directly disrespectful or he would have been out long ago.

 

You seem to like the other kids better then him and that is unfair. My step father was the same way showed favoritism toward the other kids, and its very painful.

 

I do like the other kids better than him.

Because they are good people, this kid is heading towards being a not so good person.

That`s my concern.

 

Again, any favoritism I`m show weighs heavily in this kids favor when compared to my other children

 

I`ll let you in on a secret, his mother likes the other kids more than him.

I`ll let you in on another secret, if you were a thorn in your mothers side your entire life and your siblings were ood loving kids....your mother liked them better than you too.

She`d never say it but it`s true.

[linwood]

I'm sorry, from earlier posts I was assuming it was just one course.

 

 

It is just one course and if it is the typical students day I`d like to know where green went to school.

 

College kids only take classes for 3 hours a day?

 

3 hours a day is not a burden.

[linwood]

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Lin; If I had remarried I would not let a new husband gang up on my son(s). You have even brought his brother into it .. It seems to me that he may have other problems that haven't been addressed, anyway..

 

cali I am not a new husband (13 years together) nor am I "ganging up" on my step sons.

I don`t know where you got that idea.

 

I really wish you guys would read what I posted before going off into your own little scenarios and replying to them.

 

I did bring his brother into it because his brother can influence him where I can`t.

 

His brother agrees he`s messing up.

His brother would like to see him get off his ass so our family can focus on other things like maybe his problems.

 

At this point his brother is the only one who has any success getting him to look for a job.

 

I`m grateful to his brother for that.

[quankanne]

it seems to me that a couple of posters are allowing their bad experiences obstruct their hearing so that they aren't getting all the information put out there, but instead keep addressing non-related issues and just adding to the situation, not giving solution.

 

no, I don't think Lin's being too hard on this kid – hell, he's much nicer about it than the average dad would be, much less a step-dad

 

and no, it's not about playing favorites, but helping this kid get off his azz to help himself. Because he's really not doing himself favors in the long run.

 

lin – maybe you ought to borrow a page from my daddy's book: He wasn't happy about me wanting to go off to college when my sisters both married right out of high school, so he invited an area AF recruiter home for dinner. He wasn't happy when I didn't jump at the chance to follow his footsteps as career AF, and I wasn't happy that he pulled that stunt, but about the time I started living on my own and paying my own bills with little help from him, I started to realize he had done that because he wanted to take care of me in his own way by making sure I had a secure career.

 

and I think this is what your situation boils down to, though some see it as a control issue: You want your kid to be able to have the tools and skills needed to care for himself so that he's not helpless when his mother or you are no longer able to. Really, that's every parent's goal, when you think of it. Some just don't go about it very effectively ...

[califnan]

it seems to me that a couple of posters are allowing their bad experiences obstruct their hearing so that they aren't getting all the information put out there, but instead keep addressing non-related issues and just adding to the situation, not giving solution.

 

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I read every word.

Solution: Let it be - at this time.

 

I don't know that I have ministered from bad experience. I just think that we should take care of families, and with them being the priority..

[Lizzie60]

I don't think Linwood is too tough on him.. but I think that his W won't be able to kick him out..

[Green]

Do I think 15 hours of school a week at twenty is full time? Yes

Do I think he should get a job? yes

Do I think he should pay rent? No not at 20.

Do I think he should be given a hard time punished if he is disrespectful? Yes

Do I think you favor the other children to him? yes

Have you put him down in this post? yes

You even put the guy down for dumping his gf every year at a party.

[califnan]

Did you think that you were going to receive 100% support on this thread? Probably.

[2sunny]

the bottom line is that as long as the boy (young man) is comfortable, he has no reason to make an effort to work.

 

so the solution is to make him uncomfortable enough to start working.

 

he will never begin to grow up if he's not encouraged to do so. this is real life. we work, we pay our way. this is just the beginning of learning how to live and survive in the world.

 

we, as parents, aren't supposed to teach our kids how to be financially dependent upon us for their adult lives. that is a disservice to the young man.

 

for the unmotivated ones, who are capable of working - but are lazy, they need to be pushed a bit more firmly to start the process called life. to wait until he's 30 or 40 years old is way too late. he'll be a 30 year old trying to find a starter job and competing against 16-20 year old motivated kids who want to work and earn an income.

[Green]

Did you think that you were going to receive 100% support on this thread? Probably.

 

I just wonder if him and his stepson ever just go out and enjoy time togather. It really seems like a warzone for both him and his son. Him trying to force his work ethic at his son, and his son rebelling. I mean I realize they will probably never have a father son relationship but it seems they lack love for eachother