candymoon Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 Are you a moderator? picking up posts, quoting and tell everyone who doesnt have your view they are wrong? That's awfully judgmental. And I don't remember the OP mentioning abortion in his original post. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritofnow Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 (edited) ----------------------- "candymoon" (March 2010) Are you a moderator? Since you have chosen to pick and choose of the posts 'you' (who are you?) consider ot be "off course" .. There are some of us who have commented that the young man (not "kid" - he's not a goat) deserves a little more consideration and evaluation than thoughts of eviction and disparaging posts.. and that's what I have posted as well .. Comprehend .. I have read a lot of your posts on this thread, and I can't help to notice that it seems that you hold a lot of resentment and anger. Maybe you would benefit from working on those feelings and where they stem from? It seems a shame to keep alienating yourself from others and fighting for a course that might be due to you displacing your emotions. The past has a very uncanny way of showing up in our lives in ways we are not always aware of. I am going to go out on a limb here (which is not how I usually behave at all), and say that when I read your posts I get a sense that you were once treated badly, or perhaps, have a grievance concerning a time in your life when you were treated unfairly - the forum might seem like a good place to vent your frustrations, but it won't heal them. I wish for you to find some inner peace. Edited June 13, 2010 by Spiritofnow Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 I have read a lot of your posts on this thread, and I can't help to notice that it seems that you hold a lot of resentment and anger. Maybe you would benefit from working on those feelings and where they stem from? It seems a shame to keep alienating yourself from others and fighting for a course that might be due to you displacing your emotions. The past has a very uncanny way of showing up in our lives in ways we are not always aware of. I am going to go out on a limb here (which is not how I usually behave at all), and say that when I read your posts I get a sense that you were once treated badly, or perhaps, have a grievance concerning a time in your life when you were treated unfairly - the forum might seem like a good place to vent your frustrations, but it won't heal them. I wish for you to find some inner peace. -------------------- Spirit, I have not liked the manner in which many of the posters have referred to the young man, and I posted some of those quotes.. The manner in which some have referred to him has been desparaging and disrespectful, to say the least .. They have also acted in trying to encourage the OP's issues and wish to evict, and also offer further punishment.. The young man's internal problems have Never been addressed. - only the wishes of the stepfather. I would Never put my sons on lock-out .. They are my Beloved family.. As a single mother, I know that it has been quite possible to raise her sons in a better way than you have.. in throwing him out.. What would you have done if he had no where else to go - than to a friend's house.. You were taking an awfully big chance.. I feel sorry for your son and for the OP's stepson.. And many of the posts on here have been pathetic as to their regards for the stepfather's stepson. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritofnow Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 (edited) -------------------- Spirit, I have not liked the manner in which many of the posters have referred to the young man, and I posted some of those quotes.. The manner in which some have referred to him has been desparaging and disrespectful, to say the least .. They have also acted in trying to encourage the OP's issues and wish to evict, and also offer further punishment.. The young man's internal problems have Never been addressed. - only the wishes of the stepfather. I would Never put my sons on lock-out .. They are my Beloved family.. As a single mother, I know that it has been quite possible to raise her sons in a better way than you have.. in throwing him out.. What would you have done if he had no where else to go - than to a friend's house.. You were taking an awfully big chance.. I feel sorry for your son and for the OP's stepson.. And many of the posts on here have been pathetic as to their regards for the stepfather's stepson. There are many points that I could make to your above comments that would show that your arguments' are somewhat flawed and unbalanced. However, I fear they would be of no real purpose except to encourage you to come back with more derogatory remarks. Your response just highlights my previous observations. And, here is a tip for you; rather than going to the pain staking lengths of pointing out all the negative comments and remarks you perceive that others have posted on this thread towards the young man in question, perhaps you could look through the entirety of this thread and have a look at all of those you have made towards people who do not agree with you--that would be quite a compilation. I understand that everyone on this earth is just living their lives in a way that provides them with happiness and love, but I also understand that some people seek that out in dysfunctional ways, which actually negates that premise. I hope you find a place where you can deal with your own suffering. I will be refraining from commenting on any other negative comments and/or remarks you choose to make, which is what I advocate at home - positive behaviour gets my attention. Edited June 13, 2010 by Spiritofnow Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 -------------------- Spirit, I have not liked the manner in which many of the posters have referred to the young man, and I posted some of those quotes.. The manner in which some have referred to him has been desparaging and disrespectful, to say the least .. They have also acted in trying to encourage the OP's issues and wish to evict, and also offer further punishment.. The young man's internal problems have Never been addressed. - only the wishes of the stepfather. I would Never put my sons on lock-out .. They are my Beloved family.. As a single mother, I know that it has been quite possible to raise her sons in a better way than you have.. in throwing him out.. What would you have done if he had no where else to go - than to a friend's house.. You were taking an awfully big chance.. I feel sorry for your son and for the OP's stepson.. And many of the posts on here have been pathetic as to their regards for the stepfather's stepson. CN, I agree and will explain why. Based on the sons behavior he is acting out...next is to find out why. Maturity doesnot happen miraculously on the very hour of the 18th birthday. Some mature before, some after. He needs councelling, one who specializes in young adults and has experience with blended families w/siblings. Family councelling is a must due to how the family interacts. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 IDK. From what I've seen, a LOT of young men's problems stem from the way people are raised nowadays. No goals. No structure. No expectations. No chores, but plenty of tv and computer time, where they learn nothing about accomplishments. Kids NEED us to set high standards for them. It is how we build our self esteem - meeting or exceeding these standards. No matter what his past, unless he has severe mental medical issues, and I don't see that, giving him goals to achieve WILL go a long way toward setting him on the right path. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiritofnow Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 I strongly agree with above post. My son does not have any game consoles and our computer is in the main living room so that the structured time he does get on it is also supervised by me being in the same room. Attainable goals are KEY! Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 -------------------- Spirit, I have not liked the manner in which many of the posters have referred to the young man, and I posted some of those quotes.. The manner in which some have referred to him has been desparaging and disrespectful, to say the least .. They have also acted in trying to encourage the OP's issues and wish to evict, and also offer further punishment.. The young man's internal problems have Never been addressed. - only the wishes of the stepfather. I would Never put my sons on lock-out .. They are my Beloved family.. As a single mother, I know that it has been quite possible to raise her sons in a better way than you have.. in throwing him out.. What would you have done if he had no where else to go - than to a friend's house.. You were taking an awfully big chance.. I feel sorry for your son and for the OP's stepson.. And many of the posts on here have been pathetic as to their regards for the stepfather's stepson. Most times, it's hard to gather a persons true intentions or feelings from a few hastily typed words on a discussion board. IF you had singled out and read the rest of my postings, you'll see that I really don't think putting him out on the street is the best idea. The entire "dirty plate" idea was simply a brainstorming idea on how to motivate him to wash his dishes, nothing more. Continually washing them for him and providing no consequences or rewards will not do a thing for his behavior. That much I can tell you. What I primarily advocate is a combination of punishing bad behavior, rewarding good behavior, and removing escape mechanisms. You need all three to be successful because it is the only thing that simulates mother nature and the way we've evolved to respond to our environment. Escape mechanisms are a HUGE part of why some are able to resist positive behavior modification. Drugs, music, video games, alcohol, fantasy, etc. can detach a person from a situation and prevent them from taking the necessary actions to better their situation. This I know from experience. Some people are able to depersonalize without needing an external escape mechanism. These types of people are especially hard to work with because they simply escape any stressful situation by retreating into their own minds. Situations like this may need therapy to address. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 (edited) ---------------------- We All have "things" (people) in our lives to be proud of. And no, it should be obvious to all that I don't follow you around to "Every" (or any) threads .. I only brought up the abortion thread to demonstrate that you are only For "sally4sara:love:" ... .........but Against humanity .. i.e. unborn babies.. and even Linwood's stepson - or anyone else who you would not find of use. You've done it to me too, in this very thread, making some ignorant comment about the fact that I go out with a (heaven forbid! ) male friend to sing karaoke, as if that has ANY effing thing to do with this thread. A pathetic attempt to somehow make me look bad. Sorry, but that tactic is backfiring. Bottom line, when a person is 20 years old, they NEED to know how to "bring home the bacon" and take care of their own residence. If they are just left to do whatever the hell they want, they will be emotionally crippled and will NEVER grow up. That may be fine for someone who has no one else in their lives, providing they don't mind doing that to their kid just so they'll have someone around forever, but that smacks of extreme selfishness. As for the young man's "problems," some people are just lazy. End of story. Edited June 15, 2010 by donnamaybe Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 You've done it to me too, in this very thread, making some ignorant comment about the fact that I go out with a (heaven forbid! ) male friend to sing karaoke, as if that has ANY effing thing to do with this thread. A pathetic attempt to somehow make me look bad. Sorry, but that tactic is backfiring. Bottom line, when a person is 20 years old, they NEED to know how to "bring home the bacon" and take care of their own residence. If they are just left to do whatever the hell they want, they will be emotionally crippled and will NEVER grow up. That may be fine for someone who has no one else in their lives, providing they don't mind doing that to their kid just so they'll have someone around forever, but that smacks of extreme selfishness. As for the young man's "problems," some people are just lazy. End of story. --------------------- Donna, That comment was made to you because I posted that I would go through the thread to show that some posters had used the thread to bash or show anger at someone we don't even know .. Then you told me it would give me something to do .. I thought to myself: yes I really need to take precious time to read this thread again (groan) .. Then I thought of you and your kareoke.. And I thought it was a toss up .. ha You have suggested that the young man needs to know how to "bring home the bacon" .. or grow up ... Yet you haven't grown up .. Could it be that some of the posters who wring their hands that this 20 yr old will be emotionally crippled .. are those who live their lives as controllers and expecting more of others than themselves.. Or are they just resentful that they feel they are overburdened in their lives - and are still controllers.. I would think that the posters who have suggested that the young man to be evaluated (starting at the base of any problem, is always a good idea) .. Those posters have shown a more responsible middle ground .. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 you haven't grown up .. califnan, what if you just agree to yourself to go 30 days without commenting on any other posters, and just comment on the OP's problem? I imagine you'd get a lot fewer things to have to justify if you tried that. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 califnan, what if you just agree to yourself to go 30 days without commenting on any other posters, and just comment on the OP's problem? I imagine you'd get a lot fewer things to have to justify if you tried that. --------------------- Actually, I did comment in the last paragraph that you failed to include.. But please know also, that I will feel justified in answering to each poster who attacks me, or to explain further my position.. .. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Actually, I have no problem with the advice you give OP, as we are all entitled to our opinion. But (see the 'yes...but' dichotomy, lol?) the value of your advice lessens when you wrap it around, or within, or after, an attack of another poster. Just sayin'... Sorry for the T/J. Link to post Share on other sites
candymoon Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Since we are derailed anyway... I think the issue is personal attacks against posters, not even towards the OP, regarding their personalities and what you find to be flaws when that is not the issue here. The OP wanted some support and that is what he is getting, regardless of who is in what 'camp'. Telling people they are not grown up, bringing in issues from other threads that you turn into sweeping generalizations about who they are as people, is ludicrous and immaterial here. There is always room for debate about the topic at hand, but I think turnera has it right--keep personal attacks out of this forum and keep the focus on the OP's issue. Perhaps you will find, you will be less "attacked," in turn, by other posters. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Actually, I have no problem with the advice you give OP, as we are all entitled to our opinion. But (see the 'yes...but' dichotomy, lol?) the value of your advice lessens when you wrap it around, or within, or after, an attack of another poster. Just sayin'... Sorry for the T/J. --------------------- Now You (and others) can continue to address only the OP. (should any other posters continue to go after me, I will of course, respond) .. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Also, I will continue to defend the young man, in the face of desparaging remarks on here.. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Linwood, please keep us posted on your efforts. I know you want good things for this young man. It's obvious you don't intend to spoon feed him, however, and that's a good thing. All that would accomplish would be to perpetuate the idea that he can remain a helpless child on mama's apron strings. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 --------------------- Donna, That comment was made to you because I posted that I would go through the thread to show that some posters had used the thread to bash or show anger at someone we don't even know .. Then you told me it would give me something to do .. I thought to myself: yes I really need to take precious time to read this thread again (groan) .. Then I thought of you and your kareoke.. And I thought it was a toss up .. ha You have suggested that the young man needs to know how to "bring home the bacon" .. or grow up ... Yet you haven't grown up .. Could it be that some of the posters who wring their hands that this 20 yr old will be emotionally crippled .. are those who live their lives as controllers and expecting more of others than themselves.. Or are they just resentful that they feel they are overburdened in their lives - and are still controllers.. I would think that the posters who have suggested that the young man to be evaluated (starting at the base of any problem, is always a good idea) .. Those posters have shown a more responsible middle ground .. ENOUGH Califan. I have reported you once already and am about to do it again for your attack on Donna. If you can't quit with the diabribes and stick to the topic, SKIP the post. We know you support the kid - WE GET IT. Enough already attacking other posters, here and the other forums. I believe we are all sick of it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Linwood, I don't know if I mentioned it already or not, but are you putting out an effort to spend some time with this kid? If it's one thing I know, it's teenagers and young adults, and even if they won't admit it, they want more than anything guidance, role models, and TIME with the good adults in their lives. Camping season is here... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 califnan, what if you just agree to yourself to go 30 days without commenting on any other posters, and just comment on the OP's problem? I imagine you'd get a lot fewer things to have to justify if you tried that. --------------------- Actually, I did comment in the last paragraph that you failed to include.. But please know also, that I will feel justified in answering to each poster who attacks me, or to explain further my position.. .. Actually CN is passionate concerning children, and should be able to defend herself/reply. No offence to the OP or the O poster, and I am not releasing anger on you in any way, shape or form...I agree with CN and her passion towards this issue...having been the perverbial stepchild for most of my life I really wish my parents would have gotten on a discussion forum and someone like CN would have responded in the way that she has...possibly many things would have been avoided/handled better concerning my upbringing...you have done a beatiful job CN in your posting concerning this matter...I really wish someone like you would have been in my life when I was growing up:) Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 To the OP...I can understand your dilema, and please this is in no way meant to judge you or your household... Having been a "stepchild" most of my life, though my parents did the best they could with what they had, fact was...I was a stepchild and felt like one. I don't believe this was the intention of my parents...so my advice would be to gain as much wisdom, knowledge and understanding as is possible and run with it. Neither is easy I would imagine, I've never been a steparent, although have been the stepchild and can say it was hard for many reasons... Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Also, I will continue to defend the young man, in the face of desparaging remarks on here.. Disparaging. Link to post Share on other sites
candymoon Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 I agree with CN and her passion towards this issue... The problem is not the passion but its poor expression and how it is directed at other participants in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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