Stepson Evicted From Nest??

[linwood]

Very well said Turnera.

[califnan]

 

Kids are like dogs.

 

 

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The young man is gone, isn't he. I wouldn't think he would be returning .. But hopefully, somehow he finds his way ..

[donnamaybe]

I think when the "young man" starts pulling the same BS on his father, he'll find his dad won't put up with the crap either. He'll come back with his tail between his legs.

[turnera]

fwiw, I've seen quite a few kids - young adults - come back to the parent who imposes guidelines and consequences, once they do go out and look for what they think wil be better, and realize it isn't.

 

And I've seen more than quite a few come back and thank their parents for instilling the discipline they needed, while they weren't mature enough or experienced enough to know what to do.

 

Atlas Shrugged is a good example of the different kinds of people - those who expect to be given to, and those who go out and achieve, and what happens to each.

[linwood]

I might not have been clear.

 

The boy hasn`t moved to his fathers and he returned home last night.

 

It`s just that for many months/year he hasn`t had much contact with his father and since I had that discussion with him I mentioned earlier he`s been in frequent contact with him.

 

I think he`s just testing the waters to see if moving in with his dad is something he wants to do.

 

As was mentioned here it might not be a bad idea in the long run as his father is no way shape or form in a financially stable situation.

It might be a life lesson well worth learning.

 

Not to mention he`s had very little to do with the kid for his entire life.

 

Sorry if I was unclear.

[turnera]

linwood, why don't you see if you can find some sort of volunteer opportunity the two or three of you can do together? Something that goes along with his interests?

[fooled once]

hmm you do realize the young man the topic of this thread is 20.

 

Yep, I got that he was 20

 

Thats really great that you NEVER accepted or NEEDED help.

 

I like to think we live in a world where we HELP people who NEED it.

NEED is the operative word here. This 20 year old adult doesn't NEED help he wants help. And I believe in we should help those that help themselves. Why help someone who won't help themselves?

I'm all for this guy doing something with his life I just don't see him as the vilian some people make him out to be.

 

But in your view, the step-father, the man who has raised him, is a villian for expecting the adult to take charge of his life. Hmm... how backwards

 

I think evicting your own son is a pretty cold thing to do. I agree he should have life goals beyond playing video games and anoying his step father but I don't think this is the way to go about it.

 

That's your view, and others, such as me, have another view. The stepson was warned repeatedly. And if you didn't catch his update, the MOM is on board too

 

 

"The adult" as you put it is his step son, so unilateral or bilateral TERMS as you put it shouldn't apply. Its not a contract like "buying a car" as you put it where risk of loss transfers and people get sued for damages ect..

 

what is confusing you? The term 'adult'? Adult is someone over the age of 18. This man's stepson is 20, thereby an adult.

 

The way I was raised my family helped motivate me. The people in my life built me up. The world tried to tear me down but my family and friends built me up. You seem to confuse coddling with HELPING.

 

 

I think SOCIETY would be a lot better off if people had better family values the exact kind of values I'm talking about. It's the people that have no family to watch out for them that I wory for.

 

Just because my family values doesn't line up with yours doesn't make you right and me wrong. I don't believe in enabling. I don't believe in helping those who won't help themselves. I don't think linwood has done anything wrong. He has laid out the expectations of BOTH the parents. He gave a timeline. He also laid out the consequences for NOT meeting the expectations.

 

I'm just using myself as example. It's funny to me that you think I should be ashamed because my family is very proud of me and I would never be ashamed to accept their help or help them. That year I lived with them after completing college was GREAT and they said I could have stayed with them as long as I wanted.

 

And this shows where we differ. Do you think I was happy or thrilled that my son moved out at 18? Hell no - I cried for DAYS. It was the WORST experience of my life to date. But, he was ready and I am so incredibly proud of him for being ready; for planning and for being independent!

 

I've seen a lot of success in my life and a lot of my friends are also doing great. Me and my friends all have families that suported and pushed us to be great. They never pushed us out the door.

 

That's wonderful! But ya know what, sometimes kids DO need a push! My H was pushed out the door at 22. His parents did the best thing they could - the made him leave. It was time. He couldn't live with them forever.

 

I see a step son that needs help when I read the OP

 

How does he need help? What exactly do you think he needs help with that his parents haven't already done? They have done everything to help him grow up and be responsible EXCEPT hold him accountable..which is what they are doing now!

 

 

I'm comming at this situation from the perspective of the son isn't that clear...

 

Not the same. You aren't a parent I take it. So you cannot, CANNOT understand. You also can't understand the dynamic with step situations. They are NOT the same as biological children. You are looking at it from the perspective of wanting a hand out, of not wanting to be responsible. That is exactly how this step son is -- lazy, irresponsible, immature, coddled and overall, not someone to be very proud of!

 

The so-called 'tough love' approach is what most of the men in prison have had.

 

Oh please Can you back of this statement?

 

hahah show me one kid who has never lied or stolen something from their parents.

 

Young adults screw up. They lie about what they are doing or where they are going. They steal drinks or money. Its an oportunity to teach them right from wrong not the chane to label them eternaly damned.

 

The parents are teaching him right from wrong - they are teaching him accountability and consequences! He has had ample time (3 years!!) to find a job. He has chosen not to. Now, his lack of preparation is causing him to scramble. And HE STILL HASN'T figured out how to get a job!

 

Who labeled them eternally damned?

[whichwayisup]

I read the OP (usually I don't read long posts)... but this one caught my attention, because I am, in a way, in the same boat... anyway.

 

your stepson.. has ALWAYS been like that.. because he clearly was left on his own.. (his mother not disciplining when he needed to... and you disengaging from the discipline)... I am totally with you.. it wasn't your job to parent her sons.. it was hers..

 

Now.. you expect this young guy to have his **** together in about 2 months.. when he never had to ...

 

I don't get the rent.. why would a student pay rent? where would he get the money?

 

Why now? why not wait till he finish school... when he gets a job.. etc..

 

One more thing..maybe this child has a problem.. has he ever been assessed? How is he socially?

 

From a mother's point of view... she won't be able to throw him on the streets.. come on... I know I couldn't.. and mine is 26..

 

It's easier for a step-parent to say that..

 

I agree here 100%. Ask yourself what YOU would do if it were your own kids in this senario?

 

I have a friend who is going through HELL with their daughter. She's 21, cops an attitude, displays disrespect to her parents and her two other siblings. It's a hard situation to be in, but ONE THING- You cannot kick him out. He has NO street skills, let alone maturity to make it on his own.

 

He's lazy and needs help. He's probably insecure, and that plays on his movitation problems, that and the enabled behaviour going on by both his mother and you. YOU chose to stop parenting him, or at best, being his friend, someone he could talk to, open up with.

 

I still need to read the rest of this thread... I hope that you and your wife don't kick him out, that WILL push him onto a path that may not be a good one.

[candymoon]

He's lazy and needs help. He's probably insecure, and that plays on his movitation problems, that and the enabled behaviour going on by both his mother and you. YOU chose to stop parenting him, or at best, being his friend, someone he could talk to, open up with.

 

I still need to read the rest of this thread... I hope that you and your wife don't kick him out, that WILL push him onto a path that may not be a good one.

 

I agree with the top part, but OTOH, sometimes the best way to gain confidence and maturity is feeling secure that you can provide for yourself. That you are learning to be self-reliant. That you can go out there get what you want. I'm sure finding an apartment and learning to pay the rent AND feed oneself is motivation enough in itself to get off his ass. At this point, it may certainly be too late for them to try and discipline him. Might make the kid passively aggressively rebel by digging his heels in deeper with his laziness and laisez faire attitude.

 

He will learn that the world doesn't owe him sh*t and the entitlement attitude will melt away quickly. I think he will be struggling too much to keep his roof and food in his stomach to get in with the wrong crowd. And hey, he just might for a time... as someone else said "that's what young people DO" and he will learn from it. Most of us do.

 

All they might be able to do now is support him emotionally as he learns to start a life of his own. Yes, their fault for not disciplining and now his for not taking initiative and getting a job and truly pursuing his education.

 

I dont agree they should have ever been his friend. That's part of what happened here. Parents and children are never friends and never should be. Parents guide, direct, correct, and mature their children in preparation for the real world. If we try to be their 'friend' then they think we are on the same level of maturity and they will start to think they don't have to be responsible for a g*dd*mn thing.

[turnera]

It's a hard situation to be in, but ONE THING- You cannot kick him out. He has NO street skills, let alone maturity to make it on his own.

 

I beg to differ.

 

Tell that to the kids who grew up in New York City in the 1800s and 1900s on their own, before welfare was created. Tell that to the kids who left the East Coast and moved west with nothing but their clothes and a pot to cook in. Tell that to the kids who uprooted during the Depression and went across the country, looking for work. Or the kids all around the world who've been dumped on the streets, or worse, sold, and learned to take care of themselves and often also their siblings.

 

IMO, the greatest gift you can give your kid is belief that they can accomplish anything; the second best is expecting them to do so.

 

Without meaning to bring in politics - as I am not a Democrat - I often bring up Bush Sr and Bush Jr as an example of this. Bush Sr built his own empire and was acknowledged to be one of the most decent presidents of the last century. He personally wrote a thank you note to each and every person he met. I've met him and his wife several times and he is surely one of the nicest men I've ever met. His son, on the other hand, was handed a fortune, given a baseball team, and, well...took care of himself. HAVING to accomplish for yourself, vs having things handed to you, is a MAJOR determinant of how you turn out.

[Green]

Without meaning to bring in politics - as I am not a Democrat - I often bring up Bush Sr and Bush Jr as an example of this. Bush Sr built his own empire and was acknowledged to be one of the most decent presidents of the last century. He personally wrote a thank you note to each and every person he met. I've met him and his wife several times and he is surely one of the nicest men I've ever met. His son, on the other hand, was handed a fortune, given a baseball team, and, well...took care of himself. HAVING to accomplish for yourself, vs having things handed to you, is a MAJOR determinant of how you turn out.

 

So you are going to use a man who became PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES as an example of what happens when you help your kids out...

 

Hmm gee you make a great case for why we should kick people out and let them figure things out on their own. Maybe if his father had CUT HIM OFF he would have actualy made something of himself like creating the position of WORLD PRESIDENT.

 

Your posts lack the ability to even see what you write.

 

YOU actualy make my point exactly, successful people have FAMILIES that DON'T GIVE UP ON THEM AND HELP THEM.

 

I'm all for being STRICT and PUSHING PEOPLE TO ACHIEVE. I just think it gets nasty WHEN YOU EVICT and generaly HATE SOME ONE FOR SOMETHING LIKE BEING A LAZY TWENTY YEAR OLD.

[donnamaybe]

The parents are teaching him right from wrong - they are teaching him accountability and consequences! He has had ample time (3 years!!) to find a job. He has chosen not to. Now, his lack of preparation is causing him to scramble. And HE STILL HASN'T figured out how to get a job!

 

Who labeled them eternally damned?

 

You're right. He's not a parent. And if I'm not mistaken, while we're talking about all this familial unconditional love , he is the same guy who insists upon DNA testing any child his seemingly faithful woman may give him in the future.

 

Both sides of the mouth perhaps?

[turnera]

Actually my point was that people generally consider Bush Sr a much nicer person than Bush Jr. I tend to think that politics got Jr into the Oval Office, but that's another story.

 

I'm all for being STRICT and PUSHING PEOPLE TO ACHIEVE. I just think it gets nasty WHEN YOU EVICT and generaly HATE SOME ONE FOR SOMETHING LIKE BEING A LAZY TWENTY YEAR OLD.

Where is the hate you're talking about? I saw no hate in anyone's posts. Explain, please.

[Green]

Actually my point was that people generally consider Bush Sr a much nicer person than Bush Jr. I tend to think that politics got Jr into the Oval Office, but that's another story.

 

Well I would hope politics got some one who is a POLITICAL figure into their office. My main point is that you fail to recognize that when you HELP people... especialy your kids they go on to achieve things.

 

Read any of the many angry posts if you want to see the hate.

[turnera]

No, you said that someone - I assume you mean linwood? - is HATING the kid. Show me where he said he hated him.

[califnan]

 

Read any of the many angry posts if you want to see the hate.

 

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Posters have made derogatory, disparaging remarks about the young man, and his position in the household - in the world...

[donnamaybe]

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Posters have made derogatory, disparaging remarks about the young man, and his position in the household - in the world...

 

That doesn't mean anyone HATES the kid. They may despise his lazy, thieving behavior, but no one even KNOWS this kid except Linwood. Why would anyone hate him? That's kind of a leap, don'tcha think?

[Green]

Where is the hate you're talking about? I saw no hate in anyone's posts. Explain, please.

 

No, you said that someone - I assume you mean linwood? - is HATING the kid. Show me where he said he hated him.

 

You only said show me the hate in anyone's posts. Look I don't have the time go back but linwood admitted himself that he is angry about the entire situation I'm not saying he HATES the boy specificaly but he surely HATES who he is.

 

READ THE POSTS FOR YOURSELF, THEN READ YOUR OWN POSTS FOR YOURSELF.

[donnamaybe]

READ THE POSTS FOR YOURSELF, THEN READ YOUR OWN POSTS FOR YOURSELF.

 

Typing in all caps indicates a lot of anger.

[Green]

Typing in all caps indicates a lot of anger.

 

I think we both know I have a lot of anger.

[califnan]

Hold that thought ...

 

In the next evening or two.. I will pull all of the hate comments (regarding the young man) out of the thread, and quote/post them..

[donnamaybe]

Hold that thought ...

 

In the next evening or two.. I will pull all of the hate comments (regarding the young man) out of the thread, and quote/post them..

 

Others will probably call them "dislike of his behavior" comments. There is no way for you or anyone else to determine how someone feels (i.e. hatred or anything else) about a person by merely reading what they have to say about their behavior. That would be a bit presumptuous, don't you think?

 

But have at it. It'll give you something to do.

[Eve]

Linwood, have you had opportunity to go out for pizza with the boys?

 

I hope that 'bio Dad' has sense enough to not make another non productive nesting place for the boy at his place. If so, I hope it is not as comfortable so he will start to think about how he can direct his life for himself.

 

Whoever identified the issue with Mum as being a form of 'divorce guilt' was seriously spot on.. I hope 'bio Dad' doesnt do his version of this right now too and mess things up.

 

Really hoping that your stepson latches securely onto this opportunity and comes out on top.. eventually.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[califnan]

Others will probably call them "dislike of his behavior" comments.

 

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Posters will have to decide for themselves if the comments were out of line in describing a young man who obviously already feels beaten down..

 

And no, I don't like taking the time to do it .. but maybe the point is needed..

 

Was it you who likes to take off with a male friend to go sing kareoke? Kareoke? ... (I guess we'll have to call it a draw .. ha) ..

[turnera]

You only said show me the hate in anyone's posts. Look I don't have the time go back but linwood admitted himself that he is angry about the entire situation I'm not saying he HATES the boy specificaly but he surely HATES who he is.

 

READ THE POSTS FOR YOURSELF, THEN READ YOUR OWN POSTS FOR YOURSELF.

Why do you have such a need to blast at people so much? Do you have a gym you can go to, find a punching bag maybe?

 

fwiw, I think you seem to project a 'feeling' onto people that isn't there. I can moan all day about my daughter being lazy and not working harder and passing her college test, but it in no way makes me hate her. Or even 'who she is.' My comments would be more a feeling of frustration than hate. Or disappointment. But none of that will ever guide me to even approach the feeling of hatred. People usually are able to find a balance somewhere, that keeps them from going around in a balled up feeling of hatred or anger.

 

Anyway, sorry for the T/J.

 

linwood, do you speak to the ex-dad? Can you talk to him about the issue? Maybe get him on board with what you're trying to do?