Stepson Evicted From Nest??

[DaisyLeigh]

He's twenty and he lives in their house while going to school... how is that sucking them dry.

 

Playing for HOURS on a game system, not contributing to the household. At his age, I was paying my OWN way in life, not sponging off of Mommy. I also worked while going to school.

[Green]

In the OP's case, he does have a gripe. spending 4 hours at school does not absolve this boy of doing anything else. According to the OP, all he does outside of those measly four hours is play video games.

 

However, I was referring to a certain poster's inference that tough love should never be used - ever.

 

do you have kids? do you plan on eviting them at 20?

[califnan]

Playing for HOURS on a game system, not contributing to the household. At his age, I was paying my OWN way in life, not sponging off of Mommy. I also worked while going to school.

 

--------------------

 

So what ?

[donnamaybe]

--------------------

 

So what ?

 

So you aspire to raise children who grow to be useless adults who sponge off the nearest host?

[donnamaybe]

do you have kids? do you plan on eviting them at 20?

 

I have three kids. Two on their own, the other nearly 16. I would NEVER let them lay around like lazy arses while everyone else pulls their fair share. If it came to it, yes. They would be out if necessary. I'm sure they would find someone to stay with who would also get sick and tired of their behavior, at which time they would come crawling back promising to do better. I'm pretty sure you have no kids.

[Green]

--------------------

 

So what ?

 

exactly people are making way to big a deal about the fact he has no job and plays video games. Would it be that much better if he brought in 200$ a week working at walmart pushing carts part time?

 

Then his step dad even calls him sick because he breaks up with his gf once a year at a halloween party...

 

I just think people are missing the big picture like the word "evict" and the fact that keeping your family close and helping them is a different concept then pushing your family away.

[donnamaybe]

I just think people are missing the big picture like the word "evict" and the fact that keeping your family close and helping them is a different concept then pushing your family away.

 

Are you aware there is a difference between "helping" and "enabling?"

[Green]

Are you aware there is a difference between "helping" and "enabling?"

 

and do you realize we are talking about a 20 year old who is in school and probably has a maximum earning potential of 200$ a week if he works part time. He's not a drug adict from the facts given so I really don't know why you would use the term enabling.

[califnan]

 

I just think people are missing the big picture like the word "evict" and the fact that keeping your family close and helping them is a different concept then pushing your family away.

 

---------------------

 

I agree Exactly, Green ..

[donnamaybe]

and do you realize we are talking about a 20 year old who is in school and probably has a maximum earning potential of 200$ a week if he works part time. He's not a drug adict from the facts given so I really don't know why you would use the term enabling.

 

So he's incapable of pushing a vaccuum?

[DaisyLeigh]

--------------------

 

So what ?

 

What do you mean, so what? I guess you think that coddling a child for life is okay, instead of teaching them to become independent ADULTS, like a parent is supposed to do.

 

Oh well, to each their own.

[DaisyLeigh]

So he's incapable of pushing a vaccuum?

 

Or even paying a small amount of rent? Scrubbing a toilet?

 

 

Why oh why don't people raise their children to become independent adults, instead of keeping them dependent children for life? When did it become a sin to teach your children to do household chores, work, and pay their own way in life?

[sally4sara]

and do you realize we are talking about a 20 year old who is in school and probably has a maximum earning potential of 200$ a week if he works part time. He's not a drug adict from the facts given so I really don't know why you would use the term enabling.

 

You can enable someone in any self destructive behavior. It is not a drug an substance abuse specific word.

 

Let me ask you.....

 

If the 20 year old continues to live the way he has been forever, what kind of life do you think he will have?

Do you think he could continue to live this way without someone enabling him?

[califnan]

Do You guys have Any Idea about what Good Money jailers make?

 

You are Missing it .............

[califnan]

Scrubbing a toilet?

QUOTE]

 

------------------

 

With a toothbrush ? ....

[Green]

Sure make him do chores, but also make sure his sister and brother are doing the same chores. I'm just against the eviction. You know how my family got me to work they rewarded me for it, they didn't threaten me.

[fooled once]

My guess is yes he would, and for me this is the root of the problem.

 

 

 

I really don't think he did do much to raise this kid, at least from what I hear he stayed out of his way when it came to such things. I think it is very different then the way he will treat his daughter.

 

 

 

He won't admit it but in my opinion his approach would have been completely different.

 

 

 

When It comes to his biological daughter... if she is 20 years old living at home and in some day beauty school or what ever... I really doub he'd hassle her if thats all she did and just talked on the phone or watched tv or what ever. I really doubt he would want to kick her out.

 

UPDATES WHERE ARE THEY?

 

How do you know what he feels in his heart? He has been hands OFF, as many step parents are. he saw his wife, the mother, was unwilling to allow him to help with parenting this kid. And look how well this kid has turned out He is a lazy 20 year old slacker.

 

Regarding his daughter, he will ensure she doesn't get to do nothing - he will ensure she has drive and ambition. There is ONLY SO MUCH a step parent can do if the biological parent won't allow them to help. This kid was MADE to get a GED because the mother allowed him to drop out. This kid didn't even want to get a drivers license. This kid has been given years to get his crap together and has chosen NOT TO. The mother won't FORCE the kid to get a job. The mother won't stop coddling him.

 

 

exactly people are making way to big a deal about the fact he has no job and plays video games. Would it be that much better if he brought in 200$ a week working at walmart pushing carts part time?

 

Then his step dad even calls him sick because he breaks up with his gf once a year at a halloween party...

 

I just think people are missing the big picture like the word "evict" and the fact that keeping your family close and helping them is a different concept then pushing your family away.

 

How come he can only make $200 a week? If he gets a job making $8.00 per hour, he can easily work 40 hours a week (8 hours on Saturday and Sunday and 5 hours every day of the week) That is $328 a week. He can work at a grocery store, he can work at a warehouse, he can work at Walmart, he could work anywhere he put his mind to it. He just chooses to NOT work anywhere. He has had ample time to do this. After he dropped out of school, he could have gotten a job working FULL TIME. But again, the mother didn't push him or require him to.

 

Our job as parents is to raise our kids and set them free to make their own way in life. When is this ADULT going to start doing for himself? I bet he doesn't even pay for his own schooling!

 

Why is this the step father's fault? And who said he has to love this kid as his own? That is NOT a requirement for a step parent. I love my step kids but NOT like I love my son. When is the blame going to be placed where it belongs -- on the mother and the son?

 

And Green - you didn't answer my question -- do you have kids? Do you have step kids?

[Green]

No I don't have kids, and I'm right around his sons age so even if I did have kids they would be very young.

 

I'm probably one of the more successful people who posts on this site and I did not always have a job when I was going to college... and I played a lot of video games.

 

I also come from a family that is probably a lot better off then this family and I'm lucky for that.

[sally4sara]

Sure make him do chores, but also make sure his sister and brother are doing the same chores. I'm just against the eviction. You know how my family got me to work they rewarded me for it, they didn't threaten me.

 

You really feel that by doing some chores a person can meet all their own needs without someone else keeping a roof over his head and putting food on the table? He will still be needing his mom and step dad out earning money - and enabling him. My son is twelve and he does chores, has a job, and goes to school 7 hours out of the day making the honor roll. He is more of a man than this 20 year old!

[califnan]

I think Green's parents must be the happy fulfilled ones.. They allowed their son a childhood, while still producing a successful young man..

 

Some on here seem to be stuck on the Big "20" .. and as the father, with wringing their hands - and Projecting: ohhh .. what happens when he is 35? .. Still no reason for eviction at this time - in a so-called "family" environment.

[Green]

You really feel that by doing some chores a person can meet all their own needs without someone else keeping a roof over his head and putting food on the table? He will still be needing his mom and step dad out earning money - and enabling him. My son is twelve and he does chores, has a job, and goes to school 7 hours out of the day making the honor roll. He is more of a man than this 20 year old!

 

I said he should do chores just make sure the other kids have to do chores also.

 

Being on the honor roll doesn't really matter at 12 other then getting into a good high school program. What kind of job does a 12 year old have and how many hours does he work?

 

I just think its a sad mindset to put some one down and think you are helping them. It is a bully mindset and doesn't really hold up.

[sally4sara]

I said he should do chores just make sure the other kids have to do chores also.

 

Being on the honor roll doesn't really matter at 12 other then getting into a good high school program. What kind of job does a 12 year old have and how many hours does he work?

 

I just think its a sad mindset to put some one down and think you are helping them. It is a bully mindset and doesn't really hold up.

 

I never said bullying or insulting would fix this situation. You voice an expectation and explain the consequences. But you have to follow through. I know this is extreme - evicting. It should have been addressed years ago before. But it wasn't. So what now? Continue to enable? Till when?

 

Son walks a neighbors dogs three days a week. He makes enough to cover the phone he wanted + monthly service and personal expenses of his choosing. So 3 hours a week tops. He attends enrichment classes at John Hopkins one day a week. None of these things are forced on him and he certainly doesn't suffer them.

I have a hard time thinking the OP is wrong for thinking some action is needed. Maybe he went balls to the wall in choosing the consequence to start with, but something has to happen. I pity that boy.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Loki,

 

We have a 21 year old, who was an average student because that's all she cared to be. We insisted on college mostly because of income but we believed she could have used a few years to mature. She blew off about ayear of college which wasted thousands of dollars. We encouraged her to go into a progam at school she was interested and gave her one more make or break semester. All of a sudden we had straight a's. She is going to school full time and working full time now, but NOW she's blowing every dime she makes.

 

We decided to make her give us half of her biweekly income if she intends to stay at home rent free. She knows however, that the money is hers. She was VERY unhappy about it for the first 2 months, THEN she added up the money and realized how much she will be saving. She came to us and said, I'ld have enough for a down payment on a house in 2 years. YEP!!!! We take $800 to $1000 per month from her depending on the hours she gets.

 

I think its a great thing for her. I think it would be a great thing for your SS. Some kids need a little help with motivation. I hope your wife can see that strong arming him at the moment is much better than creating a handicapped child/adult.

[Kenyth]

Here`s my story…

 

Married 10 years first marriage for both

Me 43 years old

Wife 39 years old

2 Boys 17 & 20 (My stepsons)

1 Girl 9 (My biological daughter with present wife.)

 

Both my wife and I come from homes with stepfathers.

Mine was a bad experience and I ultimately intentionally caused my mother to divorce my stepfather.

My wife’s experience with her stepfather was better as she realizes he was the only stability she had when growing up.

 

From these experiences we have different ideas of the situation a stepparent is in.

Mine of course is a more intimate understanding.

 

Our first year of marriage was a bit rough considering I was the only one to ever discipline the boys.

I did so fairly, firmly, and compassionately yet it still caused tension in my marriage.

I disciplined prior to marriage and it was well received by my wife, as it almost seemed she was relieved to finally have some help.

However after the marriage, over some time I could tell it was creating stress in our relationship.

 

At this point I disengaged myself from parenting the boys as my options were…

 

1-Parent the boys and lose my marriage/family (Boys learn nothing everyone suffers)

2-Disengage and keep my marriage/family (Boys learn nothing no one else suffers)

 

I chose option two; I disengaged from parenting the boys.

 

Disengaging from parenting the boys meant that I would have to simply accept a very large amount of **** and live with it.

I have done this for ten years; I am reaching the end of my rope.

I hold more than a little resentment over the whole thing.

 

My marriage has been most excellent, very happy, very loving, very supportive of each other.

I could not say this about my marriage if I hadn’t disengaged from parenting the boys.

This is simply a fact.

 

My problem is with the oldest boy who is now 20.

My wife and I have been on him to get a job for the past three years.

At first only mildly (He was only 17) as time went by we became more insistent.

 

He had to be forced/pulled/prodded/threatened to get his license and GED.

Junior year he had a 1.34 grade point average he was never going to graduate so we made him get a GED.

 

This boy has no motivation to do ANYTHING.

 

I have honestly never met a person so intent on the destruction of their life through self imposed disinterest.

He will do nothing unless an unreal amount of energy is expended by myself or his mother to get him to do it.

From washing the dishes to going to school (Tech school) he will fail if not supported/motivated/hand held by us.

He lies and he steals (little things) and then lies about stealing them.

He sits on the couch day in day out all day playing video games and surfing the net and has done this for years due to my disengagement.

 

These boys are the only things my wife and I have ever had an argument about.

This is not an exaggeration, the eldest boy is the crux of almost every disagreement we’ve ever had.

 

My wife is a strong street-smart intelligent independent woman who seriously takes no **** from anyone.

However she melts into the most naïve clueless little wretch the moment it is even implied this boy is manipulating or lying to her EVEN WHEN SHE KNOWS FOR A FACT HE IS DOING SO!

She will accept any bull**** story from him no matter how unbelievable it may be.

 

As I’ve said, we’ve been on this boy to get a job and get motivated about starting his adult life for 3 years.

For three years there has always been some excuse about why he can’t get a job.

Why this interview fell through why that job didn’t pan out.

Three years of bull**** excuses so lame I began to believe he was sabotaging his own chances at employment.

 

My wife has slowly been coming around to accept the fact that her kid is on the path to a difficult, depressing, trouble filled life if he doesn’t get his **** together.

We’ve had some discussions where she wasn’t so defensive of him and actually in agreement with my assessment of his situation.

My assessment is that the boy is ****ed if he doesn’t get his **** together and quickly.

My wife agreed with this assessment a few months ago.

 

So I slowly kept pushing the issue little bit by little bit to test her reaction and when I saw she may finally be waking up to the reality of his life and the way he lives it I floated an idea.

 

I asked her what she thought about giving him a fair amount of time to start paying us $300.00 a month rent or leave the house.

I told her we could take his $300.00 every month and stash it for him so he can see how money accumulates when saved and he`ll have enough for a car or apartment within a year (without his knowledge of course)

 

I chose this idea of him paying rent or getting out because it leaves him no wiggle room.

No room to bull**** his mother as he does when we get on him about finding work.

She agreed to this ultimatum , I waited and prodded her to go through with this idea for another month.

 

At one point she seemed to go into remission and told me I should be the one to give him this ultimatum.

She was withdrawing from the idea.

 

I stalled and kept gently prodding her as I wanted her to own this situation.

I wanted her to be the one to at least sit down with me and speak to him together.

I knew if I simply told him to give me $300.00 or get out it would be thrown back in my face somewhere down the road in a form of resentment.

It would be my fault; I would be the one who threw her eldest son to the wolves.

I wouldn’t have that; I wouldn’t endure years of this kids bull**** to keep my marriage secure to throw it all away on something like that at the endgame.

 

We had set a date for when he had to pay or leave but hadn’t told him yet.

She kept putting it off until I told her we were only hurting him as every day we didn’t tell him was another day he had lost.

Remember, at least intellectually she was in agreement with this plan.

At this statement she suddenly found a backbone and told me she would tell him herself and she did the next day.

 

She informed the boy that he had to pay rent ($300.00) or leave in two months.

That D-Day is coming up the first of May in just a few days.

 

The boy has had two whole months (March & April) to assess his situation and begin to work on what he needs to do in order to keep a roof over his head..

He has done NOTHING.

He goes to school at 11:00AM is home by 3:00PM and spends the entirety of almost every day sitting on the couch playing games/internet/sleeping.

 

I have enlisted the help of his brother who doesn`t want to see him thrown out and the younger boy is now attempting to motivate the older brother to get off his ass.

The only job searching the boy has done has been at the insistence/manipulations of his younger brother and that isn`t much.

So, we have gone from his parents motivating him to now his brother motivating him but the cycle is still the same.

 

I`m going to talk to him tonight to reiterate the fact that we`re dead serious about him paying rent or being out on the first of May.

But his mother is starting to waver the closer it gets to D-Day she seems to be reverting back to the old gullible wretch she has been throughout the boys life.

I feel she won`t stand strong when the first of the month gets here and he has to leave.

This will cause unknowable resentment from me within our marriage.

 

Any advice on what I can do to keep my wifes spine in place throughout this difficult time?

Any advice or thoughts on this whole novel would be appreciated if you actually took the time to read it.

 

Thanks.

 

I don' think your wife has the guts to throw him out, and I think your step-son knows it. Without her support, you're in a losing battle. You two need a counselor. She has divorced parent guilt and needs to come to terms with the fact that her kid is being destroyed by her inability to discipline.

 

Rather than throwing him out, which probably aint gonna happen, make his life miserable. He can't play video games if the console is locked in your trunk. He can't lock himself in his room if you remove the door from the hinges. He can't listen to music without a stereo. You get where I'm coming from here. If he doesn't do the dishes, serve his meal on a dirty plate.

 

I don't know for sure though dude. You are in a tough position with no easy answers.

[califnan]

 

If he doesn't do the dishes, serve his meal on a dirty plate.

 

QUOTE]

 

-------------------

 

Some reasoning. People's animals get treated better..