Kamille Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Kamille, it is very confusing. We have not talked of exclusivity at all. It was too early for that kind of talk. The bf/gf label was conjured when we were drunk. And has been revoked and replaced by "lover". Perhaps the discussion you should have with your lover is one about what that term means for each of you. That might clarify a lot of things, namely, whether you actually cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Dreamergrl, I have not slept with my lover since the night I slept with my ex. I haven't seen him in nearly 3 weeks. He doesn't need to get tested. Then why say before that he doesn't have to worry because you used protection? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 The truth never rolls so smoothly off the tongue as a lie does. The easiest path for you is the continue lying, which is the only path you've shown any inclination of following. How is that not the easy way out? Just for reference: It would hurt me more to have a woman break up with me for no apparent reason than to be told the reason is she cheated on me. I've experienced both. LOL you guys make me laugh. I have no concern about myself at this point. I've already hit rock-bottom. I've been in hell for months now. MY CONCERN IS NOT TO BRING MY LOVER DOWN THERE WITH ME. Do I need to repeat this over and over. Nevermind about what's right and what's wrong. I do not give a d*amn about the morality of it, about what the enlightened people teach you, the holier than thou, the one who preaches about integrity, about moving on free of conscience. I could care less about what happens to me. I AM DETERMINED NOT TO BRING MY LOVER DOWN WITH ME. It's not because it's easier, it's not because I'm being selfish....I have plenty of suitors, I could easily dump this one and tell him, "Sorry I cheated on you. Bye!" and move on with a new man, start a new life with a clean slate. To me this is the easiest path. The selfish path. But I actually care for him and what happens to him after I'm gone from his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 Protection was used. I haven't seen my lover since this happened. I haven't seen him close to 3 weeks. He has no need to be tested. Because you mentioned STD? Btw, thanks about the info about HPV. I didn't know that condoms cannot fully protect me from contracting such. I'll be more than careful now. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Because you mentioned STD? Btw, thanks about the info about HPV. I didn't know that condoms cannot fully protect me from contracting such. I'll be more than careful now. Well as far as that goes, then I misread, I thought you slept with the current after the cheating with the ex. I still maintain though that you don't know what is best for him, and he should be the one to decide. I bet if you asked him if he wanted to know why you wont be with him any longer, he'll say yes. It's not easy wondering. And either way, by your actions, you're hurting him. So why not be honest? And btw, same goes with HSV - condoms do not fully protect. And still with all the cheating going on - it wouldn't hurt for you to get tested either. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 LOL you guys make me laugh. I have no concern about myself at this point. I've already hit rock-bottom. I've been in hell for months now. MY CONCERN IS NOT TO BRING MY LOVER DOWN THERE WITH ME. Do I need to repeat this over and over. Nevermind about what's right and what's wrong. I do not give a d*amn about the morality of it, about what the enlightened people teach you, the holier than thou, the one who preaches about integrity, about moving on free of conscience. I could care less about what happens to me. I AM DETERMINED NOT TO BRING MY LOVER DOWN WITH ME. The truth is less likely to bring him down than you just wordlessly bailing on him, and exponentially less likely to bring him down than his finding out the longer you deceive. Justify it all you want, but has any guy here said he would prefer the lie over the truth? But I actually care for him and what happens to him after I'm gone from his life.Then ask him in a neutral manner, if he would want to know. If someone pointed a gun at my face and told me I'd get shot if I guessed his response wrong, I would not hesitate to guess he'd want the truth. Ask him, if you are so concerned about him. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Look at this way.. deceiving him (by cheating on him) got you to this point. So what more is it going to help? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 And has been revoked and replaced by "lover". Perhaps the discussion you should have with your lover is one about what that term means for each of you. That might clarify a lot of things, namely, whether you actually cheated. He is as confused as me. I spoke to him last night about this label. I told him you could be a lover to anybody. He told me, you can only be a lover to somebody you love. I'm tired. of this. mess. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Look at this way.. deceiving him (by cheating on him) got you to this point. So what more is it going to help? Actually, being cheated on and having a toxic relationship with her ex is what got her to hit rock bottom and cheat. I can see an argument for both perspective: telling him in order for her to be honest and for them both to be enlightened and make decisions not telling him because they have an undefined relationship anyway and she doesn't have to put him through unneccessary pain. Link to post Share on other sites
MindoverMatter Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 He told me, you can only be a lover to somebody you love. I used that line. It was when I enjoyed something but I didn't want to get tied down. It's a non-statement. He avoided your question, because he is probably getting some on the side as well. Might just be kissing, but still... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Actually, being cheated on and having a toxic relationship with her ex is what got her to hit rock bottom and cheat. I see what you're saying K - but at the same time, I think when she chose to deceive and cheat, that is what caused her to hit rock bottom in the end. I think she could have pulled up from it if she chose too. I can see an argument for both perspective: telling him in order for her to be honest and for them both to be enlightened and make decisions not telling him because they have an undefined relationship anyway and she doesn't have to put him through unneccessary pain. So why not go to a medium, and ask him if he'd like to know why she's leaving him. Let him have the option, he's a person who got dragged into this without asking. It's not fair for him to be kept in the dark. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 This all makes me so sad. What a mess Maybe you could start over again...drop them both, learn to be happy on your own, maintain NC and take some time to yourself, and only yourself...... I know you can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I guess another way I look at it is if one truly feels remorse for what they have done, isn't it best and most mature to deal with it and come clean? Even though the truth is hard to tell, don't most of us feel better have speaking it? Lies can haunt both the liar and the person be lied to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 Look at this way.. deceiving him (by cheating on him) got you to this point. So what more is it going to help? Sigh. I'm tired of repeating this. I do not want him to suffer and undergo depression like me. I do not want him to lose his motivation, his job, his trust in women, his sanity because of my stupidity. Simple as that. Nothing more, nothing less. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I used that line. It was when I enjoyed something but I didn't want to get tied down. It's a non-statement. He avoided your question, because he is probably getting some on the side as well. Might just be kissing, but still... My perception as well. It was hard for him to say the word girlfriend. And he has called me time and time again how I am restraining him from his usual ways. Idk. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Sigh. I'm tired of repeating this. I do not want him to suffer and undergo depression like me. I do not want him to lose his motivation, his job, his trust in women, his sanity because of my stupidity. Simple as that. Nothing more, nothing less. He isn't you. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Sigh. I'm tired of repeating this. I do not want him to suffer and undergo depression like me. I do not want him to lose his motivation, his job, his trust in women, his sanity because of my stupidity. Simple as that. Nothing more, nothing less. My perception as well. It was hard for him to say the word girlfriend. And he has called me time and time again how I am restraining him from his usual ways. Idk. You contradict yourself here. If he's not that committed to you, then why would he get so depressed? You are validating not telling him. Making reasons so it's easier for you. Why can't you give him the option of knowing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I see what you're saying K - but at the same time, I think when she chose to deceive and cheat, that is what caused her to hit rock bottom in the end. I think she could have pulled up from it if she chose too. Read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Co-dependency. It might shed you some light why I am under such a malignant spell from my ex. I am dealing with a master manipulator, who would use suicide threats and anything he can think of to make me stay by his side. It's the sickest relationship one can have. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 LOL you guys make me laugh. I have no concern about myself at this point. I've already hit rock-bottom. I've been in hell for months now. MY CONCERN IS NOT TO BRING MY LOVER DOWN THERE WITH ME. Do I need to repeat this over and over. Nevermind about what's right and what's wrong. I do not give a d*amn about the morality of it, about what the enlightened people teach you, the holier than thou, the one who preaches about integrity, about moving on free of conscience. I could care less about what happens to me. I AM DETERMINED NOT TO BRING MY LOVER DOWN WITH ME. It's not because it's easier, it's not because I'm being selfish....I have plenty of suitors, I could easily dump this one and tell him, "Sorry I cheated on you. Bye!" and move on with a new man, start a new life with a clean slate. To me this is the easiest path. The selfish path. But I actually care for him and what happens to him after I'm gone from his life. I understand where you are coming from. It seems like you have made a conscious decision and so long as you stick to it, you'll be fine. I don't advocate cheating either, but this seems like a mistake that you can put behind you. Ignore all the haters, a lot of people on this board are just upset because of their own baggage and they're trying to take it out on you. What's happening to you in this thread has happened to me in some of my threads. This is exactly what I HATE about LS. All these people just getting on your case with no productive end... Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 You contradict yourself here. If he's not that committed to you, then why would he get so depressed? You are validating not telling him. Making reasons so it's easier for you. Why can't you give him the option of knowing? I have not contradicted myself. He has been single for years. I am his first real relationship, he told me. He has very strong feelings for me, but he cannot handle what it means to his lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I understand where you are coming from. It seems like you have made a conscious decision and so long as you stick to it, you'll be fine. I don't advocate cheating either, but this seems like a mistake that you can put behind you. Ignore all the haters, a lot of people on this board are just upset because of their own baggage and they're trying to take it out on you. What's happening to you in this thread has happened to me in some of my threads. This is exactly what I HATE about LS. All these people just getting on your case with no productive end... But some of us here aren't judging her because she cheated. We're saying she should be honest. Some of use here have been on both sides (being cheated on, and left without knowing why). I have - as far as I can remember - not come on here bashing someone for cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 He isn't you. He is very like me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I understand where you are coming from. It seems like you have made a conscious decision and so long as you stick to it, you'll be fine. I don't advocate cheating either, but this seems like a mistake that you can put behind you. Ignore all the haters, a lot of people on this board are just upset because of their own baggage and they're trying to take it out on you. What's happening to you in this thread has happened to me in some of my threads. This is exactly what I HATE about LS. All these people just getting on your case with no productive end... I don't mind having different points of view. It's just that I've been repeating what I've been saying since I started this thread. And people are determined to make me change my decision. I will not. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 This is what does not make sense in this thread: OP gets validation from people about not telling the guy because there is no commitment. And she goes with that. Then she switches it up to "I don't want to tell him because he cares about me so much and he'd be devastated. Then someone mentions that he could be 'seeing' other girls. OP says she's been thinking that... but then goes back to 'but he cares about me so much'. OP goes with whatever statement says she shouldn't tell. To me that says she's not real worried about hurting him, she's more worried about having to come clean. To me, if someone cares about another and the feeling is mutual, honesty is the best way to go. Lies hurt so much longer then the truth. The truth may hurt at first, but at least then the healing process can begin. And if he cares about OP as much as she claims in her posts, then he deserves to know the honest truth. Also, the first step in fixing your errors is to rectify them. Be honest about it. Deal with it, and the consequences. I think OP rather not say anything to the guy because she is still clinging to the idea of them being together. Did I miss it, has she told him no more of anything? All I saw was she said they couldn't be a bf/gf couple. He said they could be lovers. They are still having conversations about it. She hasn't went NC. And this incident happened 3 weeks ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 And people are determined to make me change my decision. I will not. Then what are you still perpetuating this thread for? To convince us? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts