I was cheated on, now I'm the cheater =(

[NewSmyrnaBeach]

Not trying to defend her but when I usually don't take the first 2-4 months of dating very seriously. My most recent relationship lasted 8 years. I was totally commited for all 8 years and now I just don't see dating as that serious in the beginning. When I really like someone then I tend to put blinders on for my own good but if I was dating a girl for a few months and she did something similar, I wouldn't be destroyed. He should still have the option of knowing anyway.

[road]

kamille

 

“"The truth always comes out in the end".

 

Really? I say BS””

 

One should learn the difference between literal and metaphorical before they come to any forum.

 

The truth always comes out in the end: is a saying in response to when a cover up has failed. Everyone knows that not everything gets exposed or everyone gets caught.

 

Because someone appears to be getting away with something does not mean that they should.

 

If you were being discriminated at work, or a victim of an accident, criminal assault, you would want someone to come forward and be a witness for you.

 

All BS’s deserve a witness. They would be a victim same as you and deserve a witness.

 

However when you think it’s ok to hide the truth then the person willing to come forward is a rat. You can’t have it both ways.

 

You do not get to decide what truth should come out.

 

You and anyone that is going to do something that they don’t want to be caught doing. Then don’t do it. Simple.

 

The witness does nothing wrong.

 

The witness just tells the truth.

 

The person, in this case, a WW did the wrong.

 

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

 

You danced, don’t complain that you have to pay the band.

[Lishy]

Fab how did this happen? How did they contact your bf and what did they say?

 

Whoever did this will get theirs, dont you worry!

[ForRealLoveMe]

Fab kind of got hers. This is what happens with dishonesty. I'm not out right saying anyone is lying here, however, does anyone know this actually happened and definitely by someone on this forum? I am curious of how anyone knows for sure.

 

What goes around does come around, and she's living proof of that.

[Kamille]

kamille

 

“"The truth always comes out in the end".

 

Really? I say BS””

 

One should learn the difference between literal and metaphorical before they come to any forum.

 

The truth always comes out in the end: is a saying in response to when a cover up has failed. Everyone knows that not everything gets exposed or everyone gets caught.

 

Because someone appears to be getting away with something does not mean that they should.

 

If you were being discriminated at work, or a victim of an accident, criminal assault, you would want someone to come forward and be a witness for you.

 

All BS’s deserve a witness. They would be a victim same as you and deserve a witness.

 

However when you think it’s ok to hide the truth then the person willing to come forward is a rat. You can’t have it both ways.

 

You do not get to decide what truth should come out.

 

You and anyone that is going to do something that they don’t want to be caught doing. Then don’t do it. Simple.

 

 

I hope this post wasn't intended only for me, as the heading would indicate. Or else why would you assume I have anything to hide just because I endorsed the view that Fab should decide on her own whether or not she would tell her two month lover that she had sex with her ex?

 

I assume YOU get to decide what truth should come out since YOU have such a solid grasp of human ethics. Oh and you can tell the difference between metaphorical and literal. Please teach me great master. Oh wait! That's exactly what I was pointing out in my post.

 

 

I'm happy to know there are solid unbiased humans sorry witnesses- looking over us childish humans who quite obviously need a good scolding sometime, or else we might have to make decisions and live with their consequences on our own.

Edited October 26, 2009 by Kamille

[Dexter Morgan]

However when you think it’s ok to hide the truth then the person willing to come forward is a rat. You can’t have it both ways.

 

I have to agree with the above statement.

[road]

kamille

 

"Or else why would you assume I have anything to hide "

 

Where did I indicate this?

 

Check your reading comprehension skills.

 

You did ignore the point when if you would need, want, benefit for someone to come forward and be a witness for you, that becasue it helps you they would be doing the right thing. If they were to help your opponenet then they would be a rat.

 

Telling the truth is what would be done in either situation. One can't be allowed to call it good or bad based on personal outcome.

 

Being honest is being honest.

 

Being a liar is being a liar.

 

I do not know if you have cheated in your life. Your position on protecting a cheater indicates that you have no problem with affairs, or are having or had an affair.

[dreamergrl]

 

Telling the truth is what would be done in either situation. One can't be allowed to call it good or bad based on personal outcome.

 

.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

If a person used personal information off of this forum, I find that a bit creepy and weird. I skimmed the thread to catch up, so maybe I missed it, but does anyone know for sure it was a regular user (I think I saw that was what was suggested)? That part makes me a bit uncomfortable if that is how it happened. But I don't feel bad for OP because she wanted to deceive for her own selfish reasons (IMO).

[Kamille]

road,

 

in epistolean form, it is customary to assume that the content of a post that starts with a name is therefore adressed to the person thus named.

 

So please, stop trying to insinuate I'm somehow unintelligent. It doesn't add to your points, which are interesting and valid.

 

What about mine? Do you really feel it was right for an internet stranger to rat Fab out like that?

 

Wait, no you don't. Am I right in assuming that you have been cheated on? You know, in the eye of the law, which you seem keen on invoking, that makes you an unfit witness.

 

As for me, no, I have never cheated. Thanks for asking. Nor have I ever tried to cram my beliefs down the throat of someone else, or used them to stick my nose into an internet stranger's life.

 

I believe it is the task of real witnesses, not people who have half the story seething from their homes at an internet stranger to get involved. When it comes to doing that, I believe the best way to do this when friends (and real friends) with the person who committed the act is to confront them and tell them that you feel it is better to tell the truth.

 

I'm done with this thread. Continue trying to insult my intelligence.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have to agree with this.

 

If a person used personal information off of this forum, I find that a bit creepy and weird. I skimmed the thread to catch up, so maybe I missed it, but does anyone know for sure it was a regular user (I think I saw that was what was suggested)? That part makes me a bit uncomfortable if that is how it happened. But I don't feel bad for OP because she wanted to deceive for her own selfish reasons (IMO).

 

Yes geez, if someone has information as to just HOW they know that FC was ratted out on another board, then please.....bring forth the evidence.

 

Otherwise, I'd have to treat it as it didn't happen and someone is making a story up.

[Kamille]

One last thing: this website is for psychological support. It's not a judicial system of law.

 

So the question here is: if you feel you've offered Fab support, good for you. You can have done so by encouraging her to tell the truth. You could have done so by trying to help her figure out why she ended up having sex with her ex. Anything beyond that is a breach of the goals of this forum.

[dreamergrl]

Yes geez, if someone has information as to just HOW they know that FC was ratted out on another board, then please.....bring forth the evidence.

 

Otherwise, I'd have to treat it as it didn't happen and someone is making a story up.

 

And I read that this happened on Facebook? So how many people on OP's FB knew about the situation? Is the ex on her FB? I mean, it could be so many people depending on who knew. If the ex is as manipulative as OP made him out to be, who's to say it wasn't him?

 

I get the feeling that it was easier to accuse those who didn't agree with OP's dishonesty.

 

If someone got her email from a thread, then really it is OP's own fault for displaying that information for who knows who to see.

 

I just can't bring myself to feel bad for OP. I know empathy is important in life, but she had no intentions on telling her bf or lover or whatever. He got to make his OWN choice. I'm willing to bet he'd felt better about it if he had heard it from OP.

[dreamergrl]

One last thing: this website is for psychological support. It's not a judicial system of law.

 

So the question here is: if you feel you've offered Fab support, good for you. You can have done so by encouraging her to tell the truth. You could have done so by trying to help her figure out why she ended up having sex with her ex. Anything beyond that is a breach of the goals of this forum.

 

K - I agree with you to a point. I don't think it is helpful to help OP play the victim. I think it would be so much more beneficial for her to realize the consequences of being dishonest.

 

Really, if she didn't honestly feel as though she was being dishonest (as she portrayed), this wouldn't impact her so much. But obviously it did, so she knows that she was lying to her bf. She kept the truth, not to keep him from hurting, but to keep him around.

 

I think I read that she claimed "I never wanted him to find out this way". This is a really STRANGE statement from someone who didn't want him to find out at all, nor was willing to tell him at all. Her posts are all over the place. And now she's crying out victim.

[Dexter Morgan]

One last thing: this website is for psychological support.

 

what about the psychological support of the people that are being psychologically abused IRL by these people?

[Lishy]

they were not even in an exclusive relationship! he was as confused as her!

 

Hands up who has never told a lie ... yeah thought so!

[Dexter Morgan]

they were not even in an exclusive relationship! he was as confused as her!

 

Hands up who has never told a lie ... yeah thought so!

 

I'll raise my hand in that I never told a lie with regards to cheating...why?...cuz I've never cheated.

 

Sure, everyone has told some lie no matter how small or big in their lifetime. But there are some that haven't ever betrayed anyone else in any way shape or form. So to that, I'll hold my hand up.

 

But hey, she wasn't exclusive right? So if that is the case, then the person who supposedly ratted her out to her "bf" shouldn't matter right? If they weren't exclusive, then she shouldn't feel any hardship for the other guy being told the truth.

 

but she apparantly IS in deep s##t somehow by being ratted out.....doesn't make sense if they weren't exclusive:o

 

if they weren't exclusive, then she didn't need to seek out a forum like this, and shouldn't be suffering any consequences as a result of being ratted out. It would be like being ratted out for something they didn't do.....right?

[Kamille]

In today's paper. Oh well - at least syndicated advice columnists agree with me!

 

http://www.thestar.com/living/article/716033--ellie-it-s-not-your-affair-so-keep-out-of-it

 

Q: My husband left me for a co-worker; it was humiliating, devastating and traumatizing. My children don't understand why he did this to us because he was devoted and loving. I finally let the pain go and found a gorgeous amazing "moral" man whom my kids adore.

Now my co-worker is having a "fling" with a woman he's mentoring. It'll soon be an office joke. I'm a friend with this guy, his wife and their children; I don't understand, as they seemed to be very much in love. I think his actions are selfish and pathetic. I can hardly look at him or the other woman without feeling sick to my stomach.

Should I send a message anonymously or go directly to these two sluts, telling them the cat's out of the bag?

Or should I anonymously let his wife know, so she can move on with her life and find a more deserving man? My guy has lots of wonderful guy friends who he says would love to meet her.

Fighting for Fairness in Love

A: Fight by example, not with a big mouth. Your life is now happy, yet you're letting past hurt and resentment move you to dump pain on others. His wife may already know, or have reasons why she'd rather not know, so your little bombshell could be tossed back at you for nasty meddling.

If you once had a real friendship with the husband, you could talk to just him, privately, saying that everyone's aware of this affair, you're hoping he's thinking clearly, and even suggest that he seek some objective counselling before this explodes publicly.

The "moral" thing to do is not tell his wife. Consider, too, that this liaison could just be flirting and not the affair you've latched onto as your personal cause.

[carhill]

My take, based on the OP, was the FC had been cheated on in the past and had assigned certain parameters to that dynamic, evidently parameters which led her to title her thread as she did. It's her perception, or at least the recitation of it, which drove my comments. If having sex with two uncommitted people didn't matter to her, then perhaps she could clarify that in relation to her OP. Hope it works out

[dreamergrl]

what about the psychological support of the people that are being psychologically abused IRL by these people?

 

Agreed

 

they were not even in an exclusive relationship! he was as confused as her!

 

Hands up who has never told a lie ... yeah thought so!

 

Do you know him? Do you know his thoughts? No... didn't think so.

 

I've never cheated. Everyone has lied at some point. And the mature thing to do is fess up. How else do you learn from lying? How do you make it right? By letting someone else give the news? Or by being honest about it up front?

 

 

 

I'll raise my hand in that I never told a lie with regards to cheating...why?...cuz I've never cheated.

 

Sure, everyone has told some lie no matter how small or big in their lifetime. But there are some that haven't ever betrayed anyone else in any way shape or form. So to that, I'll hold my hand up.

 

But hey, she wasn't exclusive right? So if that is the case, then the person who supposedly ratted her out to her "bf" shouldn't matter right? If they weren't exclusive, then she shouldn't feel any hardship for the other guy being told the truth.

 

but she apparantly IS in deep s##t somehow by being ratted out.....doesn't make sense if they weren't exclusive:o

 

if they weren't exclusive, then she didn't need to seek out a forum like this, and shouldn't be suffering any consequences as a result of being ratted out. It would be like being ratted out for something they didn't do.....right?

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

She wanted to feel validated for her lie. That is why she came here. She wanted someone to tell her it was okay to lie. That there shows she did something wrong. If she didn't, she wouldn't be so upset over all this.

[dreamergrl]

In today's paper. Oh well - at least syndicated advice columnists agree with me!

 

http://www.thestar.com/living/article/716033--ellie-it-s-not-your-affair-so-keep-out-of-it

 

The guy in question didn't seek out advice. The guy in question, does anyone know he is actually cheating? It could be an office rumor. It is questionable. Even the reply suggested that it may just be some flirting.

 

Where as OP laid it out. She cheated. She out right decided to lie about it. Someone knew.

 

The two situations are different.

[Kamille]

The two situation are different, but the advice remains the same: stay out of the affair!

 

The best you can do is encourage the person who is cheating to confess.

[Bejita463]

The two situation are different, but the advice remains the same: stay out of the affair!

 

That's kinda like saying two math problems are different, but the solution is the same. If FC didn't want people to be part of the affair (then she shouldn't have had one, haw haw) she should have kept the matter to herself. As it was, she invited people to become a part of it by making this thread.

 

In case anyone was considering saying it after reading that; I am aware she had not meant for the involvement to go further than written communication. That was not my point.

[Tony]

It is my opinion that this thread has outlived its useful purpose. Thanks to all of you who participated according to LoveShack guidelines.