I was cheated on, now I'm the cheater =(

[Dexter Morgan]

She wants to put him on the shelf until she's ready. She has no intention on breaking up with him. And the poor guy has no choice, because he wont know.

 

agreed.....but hey, we can at least be happy for the guy that he, whether he knows it or not, is now free from this cheater.

 

 

This is why I stressed it is important not just for the guy to know, but for OP to come clean. History has a way of repeating itself.

 

oh....but they swear up and down it will never happen again:rolleyes:

[Odyssey]

It obvious Fab. won't listen. We can continue to reason and justify until we're all blue in the face. At the end of the day it's their life and choice, be it good or bad...

[dreamergrl]

agreed.....but hey, we can at least be happy for the guy that he, whether he knows it or not, is now free from this cheater.

 

For now

 

 

 

 

oh....but they swear up and down it will never happen again:rolleyes:

 

Most people who makes mistakes, will make the same one over and over again until they come clean with it, and do something about it. In OP's case, that would be fessing up.

 

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. I just believe you're stuck in a cycle until you can be honest and deal with it. Not claiming to have had an out of body experience, and no control and that's why it's okay to not tell your 'lover'.

[fabulous_chk]

Still demonizing me? I guess I represent the cheaters in your life.

 

 

So. Much. Hate.

 

 

 

 

Like a pack of wolves.

 

 

 

 

But it's all interesting how people become histrionic and feel high and mighty, crucifying others.

[fabulous_chk]

She wants to put him on the shelf until she's ready. She has no intention on breaking up with him. And the poor guy has no choice, because he wont know.

 

 

dreamergrl, you forgot to quote "like in a movie?"

You choose to extract malignant meanings from my posts.

 

"like in a movie?"

 

 

It's a fantasy of mine, get it?

 

 

 

*******************

 

 

 

D_M, from your posts, all that I can feel is extreme bitterness.

[Lishy]

agreed.....but hey, we can at least be happy for the guy that he, whether he knows it or not, is now free from this cheater.

 

 

 

 

oh....but they swear up and down it will never happen again:rolleyes:

 

You are so patronising Dexter. Pull your head out of your jacksy and stop being so judgemental! Do you think your sacasm helps anyone at all?

 

She has already told you what she is going to do and you are pushing YOUR morals down her throat and looking down on her for not doing what you tell her!

 

You think she is wrong and so do a few others and I think she is right and so do a few others. Just because you think it, it does not make it right! You really need to learn how to read what is written infront of you and not make your own conclusions. We are not all your ex you know and things are different in different situations. She does not want to hurt him and she knows it will definately hurt him.

 

I never ever agree with cheating but did she cheat? They are not serious anyway and he is up and down with his feelings ... for all we know he could be banging it around the place without her knowing.

[Crow9726]

I've been reading this thread and find it very disturbing on many levels.

 

As far as people crucifying you or going into histrionics...it appears that they are only doing so because you spread your legs looking for validation....and then whined about it.

 

The relationship, or lack of one, with your current boyfriend aside...what you are doing to yourself is akin to torture. You have been having sex with him and feel an emotional bond...yet you let another man...and a toxic one at that...climb between your legs for some validation sex. All to make yourself feel better. The people here have been trying to give you solid advice based on your original post. Unfortunately...your need to justify your actions has clouded your judgement...and it appears your current boyfriend will be the one to suffer.

 

I am torn between your telling or not telling...not such a hardliner here since my previous girlfriend did the same thing as you over and over...with many former boyfriends/lover/abusers...for years and years before I met her. Then I found out...late in the game and after living together for almost a year...that she did it in the early stages of our relationship.

 

Would I have rather not known? No! Emphatically no! It showed me what she was capable of...and also explained some of the issues that she was constantly dealing with. I would rather have disclosure and know what I am gettng myself into than blame myself when I have done absolutely wrong.

[Crow9726]

Unfortunately...she has moved 1000 miles away so I will never have the pleasure of re-validating her again through sex.

 

And I meant to say in my previous post...when I had done absolutely nothing wrong.

[carhill]

Question: Would the OP mind if her lover was dipping his noodle into an ex's pot o' beans without telling her? Why?

 

My prior post here suggested an affirmative action of six months of alone time to reflect on things. After reading the whole thread, I'm still liking that advice. Hope the OP pays it the heed it's worth. Take care

[fabulous_chk]

Question: Would the OP mind if her lover was dipping his noodle into an ex's pot o' beans without telling her? Why?

 

My prior post here suggested an affirmative action of six months of alone time to reflect on things. After reading the whole thread, I'm still liking that advice. Hope the OP pays it the heed it's worth. Take care

 

I would rather not know carhill. I have a very vivid imagination.

 

If he told me, I would mind very much. But, what can I do? Exclusivity never came up in our discussions.

 

So I'd rather have him keep that info to himself.

 

 

And I like your advice. It gives me time to work on myself, get myself situated. It's what I needed to do in the first place.

[fabulous_chk]

I've been reading this thread and find it very disturbing on many levels.

 

As far as people crucifying you or going into histrionics...it appears that they are only doing so because you spread your legs looking for validation....and then whined about it.

 

The relationship, or lack of one, with your current boyfriend aside...what you are doing to yourself is akin to torture. You have been having sex with him and feel an emotional bond...yet you let another man...and a toxic one at that...climb between your legs for some validation sex. All to make yourself feel better. The people here have been trying to give you solid advice based on your original post. Unfortunately...your need to justify your actions has clouded your judgement...and it appears your current boyfriend will be the one to suffer.

 

I am torn between your telling or not telling...not such a hardliner here since my previous girlfriend did the same thing as you over and over...with many former boyfriends/lover/abusers...for years and years before I met her. Then I found out...late in the game and after living together for almost a year...that she did it in the early stages of our relationship.

 

Would I have rather not known? No! Emphatically no! It showed me what she was capable of...and also explained some of the issues that she was constantly dealing with. I would rather have disclosure and know what I am gettng myself into than blame myself when I have done absolutely wrong.

 

I'm not trying to justify it, but I do have my own motivation why I'm choosing a path that many here do not want me to do.

[boldjack]

Lishy, it would be poetic justice if the Op's "BF", WAS screwing around, and I hope he never tells her anything. Crow....your post was right on the money, good work.

[Javelin]

I'm not trying to justify it

 

If you're not trying to justify it, then what would you call it? Vindication? Come on, you're only fooling yourself here and the worst thing is, you're dragging someone else down with you.

 

but I do have my own motivation why I'm choosing a path that many here do not want me to do.

 

You already failed at choosing the right path on your own and yet here you are again; falling into that same rut once more. You would think that a person would learn from their first initial mistake, but you surprisingly have not.. You have to understand one thing, if you don't face this now - there is really no amount of counseling or help that will change you, because at this point, it's a character flaw that *YOU* need to adjust. Aside from the flaw, your life will be a never ending cycle of relationship torture, because they'll all lack the key to success: Honesty and like I said before, it'll come back to you eventually.

 

and ultimately, I don't think you give a damn about your boyfriend's feelings, no matter how many times you type just how much you care for him. I think you're scared of the outcome and the possibility of what people might label you. You're not going to tell him, because you're still selfishly protecting you.

 

P.S. - I do apologize if that sounds mean... I'm trying to be as 'to the point' as possible.

Edited October 16, 2009 by Javelin

[fabulous_chk]

The reason why I started this thread is not because I want people to give me directions on what to do next. This is more for self-analysis. I'm figuring things out, reflecting on the events of my life. Trying to find the root of my problem, so I could correct it. I have an idea that even if my lover is not on the scene, my circumstances and my emotional well-being would still lead me back to my abusive ex.

 

In this story, I regard the cheating part as just a consequence of my major problem.

 

I know a lot of people feel sorry for my lover. Many people pity him because they are applying their own circumstances, their experiences, to his, and they run to his rescue. I understand that. A lot of people rallied for me when I was cheated on.

 

I was not expecting a pack of wolves to descend on me like a bible-thumping preacher. Or to have no sociological imagination. To have no faith in change. I was not the same person I was ten years ago. I will not be the same person 10 years from now. Life is not static. I will no doubt experience more losses in the future. I will adapt, I will learn, I will gain insight.

 

I am in the process of removing toxic things in my life. Trying extremely hard. We are a creature of habit, and there are certain habits that I need to lose. For me, the pain is not coming from my ex's actions, but my involvement in it.

 

In this story, my ex comes as an a$$h.ole too. And he did me many wrongs.

But he is also a product of his environment. The damage was done to him and his brothers when they were young. They were left in a church when they 4,5,6 years old, and they had to raise themselves. Their pain is something they will carry their entire lives, and they will continue to destroy people in their path.

 

I see the good and the bad in people. When my friend cheated on her bf of 7 years, and during this time I just discovered that my ex was cheating on me, did I let my pain color my view of her? No. I wanted to find out why. It is rare that people do cheat because of a whim, because of lack of moral fiber. There are sequence of events that will lead one to a vulnerable situation. In her case, pure neglect.

 

People do have stories behind their actions. I know somebody who is a serial cheater. Should I just jump on her and say, "You're evil," "You are doomed"? Until I found out that as a child she was abused and her dad would bring home prostitutes at night in front of her. The damage was done long before I knew her. Is she a good person to me? Yes, the very best. She has taken care of me during my heartbreak, I slept on the same bed as her every night for three months. She is not all good, she is not all bad. I do not see her as a serial cheater but a person who has gone through the most horrible times during childhood.

 

This reminds me of the time I was working in the hospital, and my co-worker started shouting at a patient who is an Iraqi. A 70 year old woman who cannot speak English and does not understand why a nurse is raging at her. I asked my co-worker why. Her response to me: "All Iraqis are nothing but evil."

 

I'm not minimizing my actions. But many posters here has attempted to demonize me, make it seem that my terrible mistake that one night is going to be the entire story of my life.

Edited October 16, 2009 by fabulous_chk

[Javelin]

The reason why I started this thread is not because I want people to give me directions on what to do next. This is more for self-analysis. I'm figuring things out, reflecting on the events of my life. Trying to find the root of my problem, so I could correct it. I have an idea that even if my lover is not on the scene, my circumstances and my emotional well-being would still lead me back to my abusive ex.

 

In this story, I regard the cheating part as just a consequence of my major problem.

 

I know a lot of people feel sorry for my lover. Many people pity him because they are applying their own circumstances, their experiences, to his, and they run to his rescue. I understand that. A lot of people rallied for me when I was cheated on.

 

I was not expecting a pack of wolves to descend on me like a bible-thumping preacher. Or to have no sociological imagination. To have no faith in change. I was not the same person I was ten years ago. I will not be the same person 10 years from now. Life is not static. I will no doubt experience more losses in the future. I will adapt, I will learn, I will gain insight.

 

I am in the process of removing toxic things in my life. Trying extremely hard. We are a creature of habit, and there are certain habits that I need to lose. For me, the pain is not coming from my ex's actions, but my involvement in it.

 

In this story, my ex comes as an a$$h.ole too. And he did me many wrongs.

But he is also a product of his environment. The damage was done to him and his brothers when they were young. They were left in a church when they 4,5,6 years old, and they had to raise themselves. Their pain is something they will carry their entire lives, and they will continue to destroy people in their path.

 

I see the good and the bad in people. When my friend cheated on her bf of 7 years, and during this time I just discovered that my ex was cheating on me, did I let my pain color my view of her? No. I wanted to find out why. It is rare that people do cheat because of a whim, because of lack of moral fiber. There are sequence of events that will lead one to a vulnerable situation. In her case, pure neglect.

 

People do have stories behind their actions. I know somebody who is a serial cheater. Should I just jump on her and say, "You're evil," "You are doomed"? Until I found out that as a child she was abused and her dad would bring home prostitutes at night in front of her. The damage was done long before I knew her. Is she a good person to me? Yes, the very best. She has taken care of me during my heartbreak, I slept on the same bed as her every night for three months. She is not all good, she is not all bad. I do not see her as a serial cheater but a person who has gone through the most horrible times during childhood.

 

It reminds me of the time I was working in the hospital, and my co-worker started shouting at a patient who is an Iraqi. A 70 year old woman who cannot speak English and does not understand why a nurse is raging at her. I asked my co-worker why. Her response to me: "All Iraqis are nothing but evil."

 

I'm not minimizing my actions. But many posters here has attempted to demonize me, make it seem that my terrible mistake that one night is going to be the entire story of my life.

 

There you go again, trying to justify a wrong action to a right action because of said event prior. You really have not learned a thing have you? That's a damn shame.

 

We don't pity your boyfriend, he'll be fine.. You're the one that we pity.

Edited October 16, 2009 by Javelin

[fabulous_chk]

^ I am learning a lot of things about people actually, Javelin, way beyond my situation. =)

[Javelin]

^ I am learning a lot of things about people actually, Javelin, way beyond my situation. =)

 

Oh? What are some of the things that you have learned? Please, do share!

[fabulous_chk]

Lishy, it would be poetic justice if the Op's "BF", WAS screwing around, and I hope he never tells her anything. Crow....your post was right on the money, good work.

 

You would love this to happen.

[fabulous_chk]

Oh? What are some of the things that you have learned? Please, do share!

 

 

From your posts and tone alone, I know how you will be in person.

[Javelin]

From your posts and tone alone, I know how you will be in person.

 

I can assure that you will be surprised.

[fabulous_chk]

^ I guess that's how it is with most people.

[dreamergrl]

OP why would you rather not know? You could contract diseases sleeping with someone who is sleeping with someone else, it increases risk. People who can't disclose information about sex with the person they are sleeping with should not be having sex.

 

You don't represent anyone that cheated on me. They came clean. And it was appreciated. Then I could take it from there and decide FOR MYSELF what I wanted to do. I don't like someone playing games and being deceiving. It makes it worse.

[dreamergrl]

The reason why I started this thread is not because I want people to give me directions on what to do next. This is more for self-analysis. I'm figuring things out, reflecting on the events of my life. Trying to find the root of my problem, so I could correct it. I have an idea that even if my lover is not on the scene, my circumstances and my emotional well-being would still lead me back to my abusive ex.

 

If you wanted to correct it, you'd let your 'lover' decide for himself what he wants to do with the situation. If you wanted to correct it, you wouldn't say you want end it, and not do it. If you wanted to correct it, you'd be honest.

 

In this story, I regard the cheating part as just a consequence of my major problem.

 

Just a consequence of your major problem? You brought someone else into your problem, and they don't even know it.

 

I know a lot of people feel sorry for my lover. Many people pity him because they are applying their own circumstances, their experiences, to his, and they run to his rescue. I understand that. A lot of people rallied for me when I was cheated on.

 

I feel bad for him because he has no clue what his going on.

 

I was not expecting a pack of wolves to descend on me like a bible-thumping preacher. Or to have no sociological imagination. To have no faith in change. I was not the same person I was ten years ago. I will not be the same person 10 years from now. Life is not static. I will no doubt experience more losses in the future. I will adapt, I will learn, I will gain insight.

 

You wanted people to validate your selfish choice to not tell him. And how should someone have faith you will change if you can't even face the person who you have deceived?

 

I am in the process of removing toxic things in my life. Trying extremely hard. We are a creature of habit, and there are certain habits that I need to lose. For me, the pain is not coming from my ex's actions, but my involvement in it.

 

Yes, habit. Break a habit - take it and it's consequences (your lover choosing what HE wants to do)

 

In this story, my ex comes as an a$$h.ole too. And he did me many wrongs.

But he is also a product of his environment. The damage was done to him and his brothers when they were young. They were left in a church when they 4,5,6 years old, and they had to raise themselves. Their pain is something they will carry their entire lives, and they will continue to destroy people in their path.

 

No, pain isn't something a person carries for the rest of their lives unless they choose to.

 

I see the good and the bad in people. When my friend cheated on her bf of 7 years, and during this time I just discovered that my ex was cheating on me, did I let my pain color my view of her? No. I wanted to find out why. It is rare that people do cheat because of a whim, because of lack of moral fiber. There are sequence of events that will lead one to a vulnerable situation. In her case, pure neglect.

 

People do have stories behind their actions. I know somebody who is a serial cheater. Should I just jump on her and say, "You're evil," "You are doomed"? Until I found out that as a child she was abused and her dad would bring home prostitutes at night in front of her. The damage was done long before I knew her. Is she a good person to me? Yes, the very best. She has taken care of me during my heartbreak, I slept on the same bed as her every night for three months. She is not all good, she is not all bad. I do not see her as a serial cheater but a person who has gone through the most horrible times during childhood.

 

You can only use 'being a product of your environment for so long. When you become an adult it becomes your responsibility to change and process what you grew up with. It's called growing up. Being mature. I've experienced plenty of bad in my childhood, but I don't blame my mistakes on it any longer. I'm too old for that. I learn to be a good person and rise above it. Not use it as an excuse. That's lame, and immature.

 

This reminds me of the time I was working in the hospital, and my co-worker started shouting at a patient who is an Iraqi. A 70 year old woman who cannot speak English and does not understand why a nurse is raging at her. I asked my co-worker why. Her response to me: "All Iraqis are nothing but evil."

 

And liars are what? Good because they have been hurt? It's okay to hurt someone else because you've been hurt? It's okay to deceive someone else?

 

I'm not minimizing my actions. But many posters here has attempted to demonize me, make it seem that my terrible mistake that one night is going to be the entire story of my life.

 

You still don't get it. It's not about you're mistake, it's about the fact that you aren't doing anything about it. What you do about your mistakes is what makes a difference. You're not taking consequences. You're not facing up to what will happen if you tell the truth.

[fabulous_chk]

Zing!

 

 

Lol no I have not ignored the words said here. I chose not to take the advice given to me. If you go back to my very first post I already had a decision.

 

 

 

And I do hate it when people repeat themselves, it is the most annoying habit. Words lose power when repeated. I hate repeating myself too.

 

 

There is a few post here and there that had significantly moved me to take certain actions.

 

Made me say A-ha!

 

But the rest are vitriolic, sarcastic.... Like your post...that will not gain me any insight.

 

 

But I continue reading.

[Dexter Morgan]

Still demonizing me? I guess I represent the cheaters in your life.

 

no, you represent cheaters.....period.

 

 

 

But it's all interesting how people become histrionic and feel high and mighty, crucifying others.

 

you want to talk crucifying? look no further than your treatment of your "bf".