I was cheated on, now I'm the cheater =(

[carhill]

OP, do you like drama?

[Kamille]

then don't interject your friend's situation on it. it was you that got it "off topic".

 

Reread the thread, it was an on-topic example to illustrate my point. I feel that as such the example adds to the discussion. I don't think judging my morals because of the incident or asking me how I found out, when, assuming that I enabled it, asking me if I can look her husband in the eye contributes much to the thread.

 

and yes, we have input....

 

Yes, you've stated your input. For something like 5 pages. We get it DM: you feel very strongly that she should be honest with her "lover" and that she doesn't deserve happiness with him.

 

I've stated mine. I would like her to be allowed to discuss the situation and what brought her there.

 

Let's agree to disagree.

Edited October 13, 2009 by Kamille

[RedDevil66]

I know this was not in response to me, but I never said she has to be unhappy. Cheaters can learn their lesson and be happy, just not with the person they claimed they loved when the f####d someone else.

 

they only deserve happiness with the person they cheated on if their partner knows of the cheating and decided for themselves if they want to stay with the cheater.

 

they can be happy, they just don't deserve someone they continue to lie to and deceive.

 

I totally agree with this, but not if the relationship is flakey and seems like they are only lovers.

[RedDevil66]

I really hope not all women think so selfishly. So I am curious what is the magic time line when you need to stop sleeping with other people. If you take the label BF/GF then you have to live up to it. There are bigger things in life then just yourself.

 

OP, you need to get some self value and own up to your actions. Dump your boyfriend and get rid of your ex for good. Stay away from guys until you are more stable. Start by doing things that better you as a person. working out, reading, hobbies, and so on.

 

Listen, I've been cheated on by both my ex's. I'm the LEAST selfish person on this planet and I would tell my BF is I cheated, but if it was a relationship that was new and there was no commitment, I would not say a peep!

[fabulous_chk]

I don't like drama.

 

Thing is, my bf really is interested in me.

 

We just met and he googled my hometown, something my ex never wanted to know about.

 

He listened to me and remembered the songs I like to listen to-and would put it on his playlist next time I come over. It's not even stuff he likes...Stevie Wonder, Frank Sinatra, Bob Marley.

 

He satisfies me in bed. The world stops when we are together.

 

Very affectionate like me, loves holding hands,etc.

 

He suits my personality, because I could be really unconventional and wild and he loves it.

 

In this relationship, he has done everything to make me happy. He always asks me: "Are you okay baby?"

 

But we know basically nothing about each other yet. All we have right now is superficial and fun. We go clubbing every weekend, we get drunk, we have sex.

 

Yet there are very strong feelings between us. He is fighting this relationship too. Fighting against it. A very good-looking 25 year old man who lives in downtown Manhattan and works at Wall St. He is surrounded by model-like girls all the time. Why would he want a gf to restrain him? He has called me many times telling me I'm restraining him. That it's hard for him to act like he's not single, and I tried to understand. I do understand the position he's in.

 

And I told my bf RIGHT FROM THE VERY START that I'm not ready for him, that I'm scared of him and what he might mean to me.

 

But there have been very strong feelings between us from the start. I even resent him coming to my life with such a bad timing. I simply am not ready for him. I fantasize meeting him 2 years from now when I have stabilized myself, and when he's got the partying out of his system...and maybe we could make it work.

 

I hate my life.

 

 

Soul_Bear, no mention of this in FB please.

[Kamille]

Fab, the way things are now, I really don't think you have anything to lose by being honest with him. You both sound like you're far from being ready for a serious relationship so why not just be upfront about it. Ease up on yourself. Right now this guy, your ex, it's al turmoil. The best enlightenment often doesn't come when you're trying to figure yourself or a situation out. It comes from finding peace within. So do what you have to do to get there.

Edited October 14, 2009 by Kamille

[Lishy]

I agree not to tell him

[fabulous_chk]

Today, I had a one-hour talk with my ex...told him all my hurt. It's like talking to a brick wall. He told me in the end, "What do you want me to say?"

 

 

Then I immediately called and told my "lover" that we are not bf/gf any longer...and he agreed. He says he doesn't care about the label as long as we still see each other. We are "lovers."

 

As boldjack and D_M know, I don't believe in full disclosure. I don't give a d*amn about reclaiming integrity and all that, I just don't want my love to be hurt.

 

I'll worry about my integrity when I meet my maker. I'm not about to go moralizing and preaching. I did something bad, I am trying to not let this affect the person I love, and I don't care if I go to hell because of this. It's not selfishness or inability to face the consequences....because it was easy for me to dump a lot of men prior to him and walk away. I basically didn't care about them. With this one I care what's gonna happen to him after I disappear from his life.

[boldjack]

More excuses.....blah......blah........blah

[fabulous_chk]

^ lol! Your last last last post, boldjack?

[fabulous_chk]

Fab, the way things are now, I really don't think you have anything to lose by being honest with him. You both sound like you're far from being ready for a serious relationship so why not just be upfront about it. Ease up on yourself. Right now this guy, your ex, it's al turmoil. The best enlightenment often doesn't come when you're trying to figure yourself or a situation out. It comes from finding peace within. So do what you have to do to get there.

 

 

Kamille. I am 100% sure that this will destroy him.

[dreamergrl]

Today, I had a one-hour talk with my ex...told him all my hurt. It's like talking to a brick wall. He told me in the end, "What do you want me to say?"

 

What did you expect? He cheated on you, you cheated on your bf.

 

 

Then I immediately called and told my "lover" that we are not bf/gf any longer...and he agreed. He says he doesn't care about the label as long as we still see each other. We are "lovers."

 

:rolleyes:

 

As boldjack and D_M know, I don't believe in full disclosure. I don't give a d*amn about reclaiming integrity and all that, I just don't want my love to be hurt.

 

Does you're bf .. sorry .. "lover" want his hurt? You're sleeping with two guys, or slept with two guys, one that cheated on you. You're "Lover" is entitled to know if you've been with someone since screwing him.

 

I'll worry about my integrity when I meet my maker. I'm not about to go moralizing and preaching. I did something bad, I am trying to not let this affect the person I love, and I don't care if I go to hell because of this. It's not selfishness or inability to face the consequences....because it was easy for me to dump a lot of men prior to him and walk away. I basically didn't care about them. With this one I care what's gonna happen to him after I disappear from his life.

 

You're validating not being honest. You're making yourself feel better about it. You'll never move past this until you own up to your mistake and be honest.

 

If you cared, you wouldn't leave him wondering and playing guessing games of why things went wrong. It's obviously easy to dump this one too - because you're taking the easy way out.

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. If you cannot have an adult conversation - when sex is involved - then you have no business having sex.

[Lishy]

What is telling him going to achieve? I agree not to tell him and hurt him and let him carry that hurt forever, damaging every other relationship he gets into

 

I wish I had never ever found out I was cheated on - Ignorance is bliss and it is not like they are married with kids, this guy is not even her boyfriend, he is her lover

[Janicee]

fine, if you believe that you can make it up to your bf in another way why couldn't your ex do that? Would it have been better if you never found out about your ex's cheating and you stayed with him?

 

Yes, get back to this stage to feel about it:mad:

[MindoverMatter]

Don't tell him, just break up (for realz this time) and leave it.

 

Truth is a very flexible concept anyway. Just break up, leave both the exes alone and go be happy.

[fabulous_chk]

What is telling him going to achieve? I agree not to tell him and hurt him and let him carry that hurt forever, damaging every other relationship he gets into

 

I wish I had never ever found out I was cheated on - Ignorance is bliss and it is not like they are married with kids, this guy is not even her boyfriend, he is her lover

 

 

I wish I never knew too. Ex and I were breaking up anyway, months before I found out. But I think he liked the thrill of cheating....liked the secrecy of it, him and the girl.

 

Because after I found out, him and the girl broke up too.

 

But more than that, he likes to blame other people for his faults.

 

 

Waaaah I'm so tired of him. Tired of his drama, his crocodile tears, his cruelty.

 

He has been a bad influence to me for the past 4.5 years. Enough!

 

He damaged me, my view of what's normal in a relationship, what's acceptable and what's not.

 

I'm just tired of the mess I have to deal with, his enjoyment in telling me what exactly happened with him and the girl. I'm tired of the visions I have in my head. It has to stop.

[dreamergrl]

Sorry, but if she's been sleeping with the bf and the ex, the bf has a right to know. He should be going to go get tested - especially since the guy she cheated with also is a cheater and has been with other women in the mix of this.

 

I've been cheated on, and I'm glad I knew, because at least when it all ended I knew it wasn't some I did. I didn't have to ponder over it and think of different reasons.

 

We see many people on here that wonder why there SO went NC on them with no reason given to them. That can do damage too. So why not just be honest? Being honest and communicating is the mature thing to do. Just bailing out is the cowardly thing to do.

[fabulous_chk]

Ah dreamergrl, you make it sound so easy.

 

 

Protection was used.

 

I haven't seen my lover since this happened. I haven't seen him close to 3 weeks. He has no need to be tested.

 

How long was your longest relationship? With my ex it was 4 years with a lot of discussion about kids and marriage and moving to either Philly or NYC. We made out plans for school and work and the future. His betrayal cut me deeply.

 

We lived together too at a time. I just moved out because I needed to be closer to school.

 

You make it sound easy to forget and forgive a betrayal like that.

 

It's on endless loop in my head. I wish to God he never told me. It is easier for me to take that he has fallen out of love with me," instead of him saying, "I love you, but I love her also," and "Let's have a threesome."

[dreamergrl]

Ah dreamergrl, you make it sound so easy.

 

 

Protection was used.

 

I haven't seen my lover since this happened. I haven't seen him close to 3 weeks. He has no need to be tested.

 

How long was your longest relationship? With my ex it was 4 years with a lot of discussion about kids and marriage and moving to either Philly or NYC. We made out plans for school and work and the future. His betrayal cut me deeply.

 

We lived together too at a time. I just moved out because I needed to be closer to school.

 

You make it sound easy to forget and forgive a betrayal like that.

 

It's on endless loop in my head. I wish to God he never told me. It is easier for me to take that he has fallen out of love with me," instead of him saying, "I love you, but I love her also," and "Let's have a threesome."

 

It doesn't matter if protection was used. Go read up on HSV or HPV.

 

And doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it's the honorable thing to do. And just because for some it's easier to not know, doesn't mean it is for him. You should let HIM decide what is best for HIM. Not you and what is easiest for you.

[fabulous_chk]

Easiest for me? LOL!

 

I don't get it why people tell me I'm taking the easy way out. I would not be in this forum if I was having a grand time.

 

Honorable? I am not seeking honor.

 

I am not seeking to lift myself up, even as devastation is all around me. To absolve my guilt and move on, as I leave my lover behind in tears.

 

It's not about me. Forget about me, my morality, my integrity and all the other stuff you guys have been telling me since I started this thread. It's about the damage I'm gonna cause if I choose to confess.

 

I am tired of saying the same thing over and over and over.

 

I have made my decision not to tell. And that's it.

[Kamille]

Well... Okay, you say your lover has kissed other girls in front of you, you haven't seen him in weeks, etc. He isn't exactly golden relationship material himself.

 

What exactly does being a lover mean? Have you two ever even talked about being exclusive (apologies if you do mention it somewhere in the thread. I forget)? If not, then can we really consider that you cheated?

 

Lovers. It could mean so many things, but in my book it excludes being sexually exclusive.

 

You situation sounds confusing on all sides: both the ex (from whom you really need to distance yourself) and the lover.

[dreamergrl]

Easiest for me? LOL!

 

I don't get it why people tell me I'm taking the easy way out. I would not be in this forum if I was having a grand time.

 

Honorable? I am not seeking honor.

 

I am not seeking to lift myself up, even as devastation is all around me. To absolve my guilt and move on, as I leave my lover behind in tears.

 

It's not about me. Forget about me, my morality, my integrity and all the other stuff you guys have been telling me since I started this thread. It's about the damage I'm gonna cause if I choose to confess.

 

I am tired of saying the same thing over and over and over.

 

I have made my decision not to tell. And that's it.

 

At least tell him to go get tested.

[Bejita463]

Easiest for me? LOL!

 

I don't get it why people tell me I'm taking the easy way out.

 

The truth never rolls so smoothly off the tongue as a lie does. The easiest path for you is the continue lying, which is the only path you've shown any inclination of following.

 

How is that not the easy way out?

 

Just for reference: It would hurt me more to have a woman break up with me for no apparent reason than to be told the reason is she cheated on me. I've experienced both.

[fabulous_chk]

Dreamergrl, I have not slept with my lover since the night I slept with my ex. I haven't seen him in nearly 3 weeks. He doesn't need to get tested.

 

Kamille, it is very confusing. We have not talked of exclusivity at all. It was too early for that kind of talk. The bf/gf label was conjured when we were drunk.

[dreamergrl]

The truth never rolls so smoothly off the tongue as a lie does. The easiest path for you is the continue lying, which is the only path you've shown any inclination of following.

 

How is that not the easy way out?

 

Just for reference: It would hurt me more to have a woman break up with me for no apparent reason than to be told the reason is she cheated on me. I've experienced both.

 

I 100% agree.