I was cheated on, now I'm the cheater =(

[Bejita463]

I find the chosen course of action unsurprising. Equally unsurprising is how there is no mention at all of what the poor betrayed guy deserves.

[lkjh]

fine, if you believe that you can make it up to your bf in another way why couldn't your ex do that? Would it have been better if you never found out about your ex's cheating and you stayed with him?

 

 

All you care about is yourself, there is nothing about you that deserves anything

[JohnP82]

You should really seek counseling. It's obvious that your ex did a number on you. I believe in another thread you mentioned that you've quit school, quit work, and now you've cheated on your current boyfriend with a guy that cheated on you.

 

Also you don't deserve someone if you betray them.

[fabulous_chk]

Today I wanted to die.

[boldjack]

8888888888888888888888888888888

[Chrome Barracuda]

Today I wanted to die.

 

You know what needs to be done, sooner or later your conscious and or guiltwill get the best of you. It wil eat you alive. Your building your relationship on deceit. Now you see why we are so harsh on OM/OW because they do not have the clarity to see through the bad decisions you are making.

 

I could have told you from jump street your ex was no good and doing everything in his power to sabotage you and your current relationship.

 

And you know what you was so naive to believe him. You didnt use your brains, your emotions overtook your logic.

 

And now that you know the truth, are you gonna stop communicating with your ex and tell your bf the truth, after all he deserves it.

[fabulous_chk]

Why do I seek approval from my ex, who has done nothing but put me down and make me feel an idiot? I lost

myself when I was with him. And he still knows how to manipulate me and expose my deepest fears.

 

I have mentioned to my bf that I want the bf-gf label between us removed so he can be free to date other girls and still be able to see me. But he refused.

 

I cried my heart

out today....I was lashing at everyone- the girl

my ex cheated on me with, the ex, and I even called

my bf hysterically crying why he won't see me for close to a

month, why he refuses to pick up calls when his family is there...and he allayed my fears again.

 

 

I badly need help. I wake up at night with so much anger inside me, and I cannot bear it. Sometimes I feel just numb and empty. Most of the times I feel helpless like somebody is pulling me on strings and I have no resistance.

 

 

This is my deepest low. Only thing that makes me

happy these days is when my bf calls me to reassure that everything will be okay. I cling to him for sanity and survival. I cannot bring him down to where I am at now, it's not fair.

[t0ri]

I am determined to redeem myself in another way, and I'm

going to fight for this relationship, because I deserve to be with a good person.

 

Anyways, after the drama that I went through with my ex, I think I deserve to be with my bf, who is a good person, and hopefully because I got rid of the negative influence, things will be different.

 

Girl, you've got it backwards. Don't the statements above prove to you how selfish you're being? After the terrible drama and infidelity from your ex, and all of the pain he caused you from it, you're going to use that as justification that you deserve your boyfriend, after you just did the same thing!?

 

Whether your boyfriend knows about your cheating or not, you don't deserve him. HE deserves the chance to decide whether your cheating would end your relationship or not, NOT YOU. I know you think you're saving him a great deal of pain, but you'd be saving him further pain by dumping him or telling him what's up, because face it - you are NOT over your ex, and you have issues to work on.

 

I understand you might have been in the moment, lost control, made a huge mistake, whatever, but you should own up to that mistake. Can you honestly say you wish you never found out your ex cheated on you? Sorry, but you're a mess.

 

I don't think you should be dating your bf, or any other guy right now. Your bf cannot "refuse" to break up or "remove labels." Also, it would be wise of you to cut contact off FOREVER with your douchebag ex.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[fabulous_chk]

I'm thinking my ex and I have a classic narcissistic-codependent relationship. That's why he has such a hold on me.

 

I am planning on breaking up and going NC with my bf. It's just a 2 month relationship and there's no shortage of girls in Manhattan. He'll get over me quickly. No need to cause him depression or dent his ego.

 

I'm going NC on both man and will stay alone for a while. Also will go through counselling because I am a mess.

[Odyssey]

Knowing is half the battle. Personality quirks work the same way. Once you know why you're behaving a certain way, the battle is half won.

 

I think you're doing the right thing. You need plenty of time to reflect on yourself and i hope you will come out as a better person in the end.

 

good luck

[Dexter Morgan]

^But you want this thread closed because I won't take the majorities' advice?

 

 

no, because its a dead issue with you. You already said you are going to let the relationship "fade away" so you don't have to face the music, therefore wasting more of his time on this planet.

 

So really, what left is there to be said? You are going to selfishly do what you want and doing the right thing obviously is not of intereste to you.

 

 

 

I have sooo much love for my bf, even more now than ever before. I have done a horrible mistake and I know for sure the truth will devastate him. He is a very emotional guy, as you can see through his text. He will neve know the truth.

 

I am determined to redeem myself in another way, and I'm

going to fight for this relationship, because I deserve to be with a good person.

 

 

aye yi yi. you are bouncing off the walls. First you say you are going to let this relationship fade away, now you are going to fight for this relationship??

 

And no, you don't deserve to be with your bf. and whether or not you deserve to be with a good person is debatable.

 

Your bf deserves to be with a good person...not someone who has cheated on him and will continue to lie to him.

 

 

My ex finally admitted trying to sabotage my relationship with my bf. I told him, "You should be happy for me." But he is selfish and doesn't want to see me happy.

 

are you freakin' kidding us here? your X is selfish? correct me if I'm wrong....he didn't hold a gun to your head and forced the thighs apart.

 

he shouldn't have the power to sabotage your relationship with your bf if you did love your bf as you say.

 

sorry, you don't get to put this on your X....its ALL on YOU.

 

 

Anyways, after the drama that I went through with my ex, I think I deserve to be with my bf

 

really? you think you deserve that? ok then, let your bf make that call. If you think you deserve your bf because of your oh so hard drama with the X, then surely your bf will see it the same way and forgive you....right?

 

 

I'm still not a believer of total disclosure here, and i know what I'm

talking about.

 

well then just snowball your bf and fool him into believing that you would never do any such thing to him.

 

keep lying to him, keeping him in the dark....its all good right?

 

 

 

Those who cheated don't really know the impact of total disclosure to the betrayed person.

 

no, those who cheated don't really know the impact of the CHEATING.

 

and those who cheated and want to further be dishonest and disprespect the ones they cheated on don't have any idea what committment is and aren't mature enough for a committed relationship.

 

 

It is sooooo unnecessary.

 

no, your cheating was unnecessary.

 

 

 

Just cut contact

and go away, no need to tell the betrayed person how the affair partner got away from being discovered by going through a window.

 

 

and I'll say it again, my XW decided to think the same way you did. She had the tits to cheat, but not the tits to come clean. And I found out years later. Years of my life were wasted because she felt that I didn't deserve to know and didn't deserve to have control over the decisions in my life.

 

and you just learned a very valuable lesson......you can get away with it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I find the chosen course of action unsurprising. Equally unsurprising is how there is no mention at all of what the poor betrayed guy deserves.

 

yes, this hit me as well. she thinks she deserves a good guy after cheating and continuing to lie......but he doesn't deserve someone that would do such a thing to him. he deserves someone else.

 

but hey, thats the way with cheaters eh? its all about them. forget what is best for their victims.

[Dexter Morgan]

I cried my heart

out today....I was lashing at everyone- the girl

my ex cheated on me with, the ex, and I even called

my bf hysterically crying why he won't see me for close to a

month, why he refuses to pick up calls when his family is there...and he allayed my fears again.

 

 

I badly need help.

 

we tried to help you. we have told you that you learn from your poor choice, break up with your bf, who you initially said you will let the R fade away without telling him the truth, and then apply your new found lessons learned to a relationship with someone else in the future.

 

but you didn't want to hear any of it.......we tried.

 

 

I wake up at night with so much anger inside me, and I cannot bear it.

 

why are YOU angry? you are the one that cheated. and you can't be angry with your X, he didn't force you to cheat on your bf.

 

 

This is my deepest low. Only thing that makes me

happy these days is when my bf calls me to reassure that everything will be okay. I cling to him for sanity and survival. I cannot bring him down to where I am at now, it's not fair.

 

no, whats not fair is a good man was betrayed by his "woman".

 

and what is not fair is him having a "woman" that keeps him in the dark and continues to lie to him.

 

Like we all said, we, as people who have been in your bf's shoes, know what you should do and have told you such. But you don't want to hear it.

[Kamille]

I'm sorry but this thread is beyond measure. Who are we to decide whether Fabulous_Chk deserves to be with her boyfriend or not?

 

I feel like some of us only want to punish her. How helpful is that.

 

She made a mistake. a huge mistake. Now she has to find a way to forgive herself for it and to make amends to her bf.

 

True story: one of my friends cheated on her bf when they had been together about six months. The whole relationship had been whirlwind and she had issues to resolve and deal with. She didn't do it the best way. She ended up cheating on her bf with my roomate. Now, years later, they're married and they have kids together and they're happy. And YES, she deserves all of it.

 

So please, you moralizing posters, judge my friend and tell me she doesn't deserve anything that she got. It doesn't change the fact that her husband and her love each other and that she learned a lot from her escapade. Not everything is so black and white, where people who mess up end up paying for their mistakes. As long as F_Chk gains insight from this misadventure, then that's all that really matters.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm thinking my ex and I have a classic narcissistic-codependent relationship. That's why he has such a hold on me.

 

I am planning on breaking up and going NC with my bf. It's just a 2 month relationship and there's no shortage of girls in Manhattan. He'll get over me quickly. No need to cause him depression or dent his ego.

 

I'm going NC on both man and will stay alone for a while. Also will go through counselling because I am a mess.

 

GOOD!!!! very good.....just as long as you don't change your mind....yet again.

[Kamille]

Like we all said, we, as people who have been in your bf's shoes, know what you should do and have told you such. But you don't want to hear it.

 

Why am I not surprised to hear you were in her bf's shoes? This quite clearly explains why you're being so hard on FC and adamant that she is basically *evil*.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm sorry but this thread is beyond measure. Who are we to decide whether Fabulous_Chk deserves to be with her boyfriend or not?

 

thats why I said for her to tell her "bf" the truth about cheating on him and let HIM decide if she deserves him or not.

 

 

I feel like some of us only want to punish her. How helpful is that.

 

how is telling her to break up with bf, and taking her lessons learned and applying it to future relationships as punishing her?

 

 

She made a mistake. a huge mistake.

 

no, she made a lousy choice. a mistake is made out of not knowing what the right thing to do is.......so unless she thought that cheating on her bf was the right thing to do....it isn't a mistake.

 

 

Now she has to find a way to forgive herself for it and to make amends to her bf.

 

and if she decided to keep her bf...how is she going to make amends while continuing to lie to him?

 

 

True story: one of my friends cheated on her bf when they had been together about six months. The whole relationship had been whirlwind and she had issues to resolve and deal with. She didn't do it the best way. She ended up cheating on her bf with my roomate. Now, years later, they're married and they have kids together and they're happy. And YES, she deserves all of it.

 

gee...sounds all rosey. sounded like my situation with my XW.....until I found out from someone years later about what she had done and decided she didn't have the guts to come clean with me and let me have information that I deserved to have to make decisions about my life.

 

 

So please, you moralizing posters, judge my friend and tell me she doesn't deserve anything that she got.

 

if she NEVER told her bf, now husband, the truth...then no, she doesn't deserve to have him.

 

if she came clean and he forgave her, and he went on with her knowing what had been done....then they do deserve each other and she deserved him because she respected him enough to come clean and let him decide how his life should turn out.

 

so question is....did she come clean?

 

If the answer is no, then she doesn't deserve him.

 

If the answer is yes, then she let him decide if she deserves him or not and all is good:)

 

 

It doesn't change the fact that her husband and her love each other and that she learned a lot from her escapade. Not everything is so black and white, where people who mess up end up paying for their mistakes. As long as F_Chk gains insight from this misadventure, then that's all that really matters.

 

what she has learned is she can get away with it and she has the tits to cheat, but not the tits to do right by a good man.

 

but in her last post she said she was going to break it off with bf....only problem is he won't know why....he deserves to know...but hey, as long as she spares him in one way, its better than staying with him and him not knowing who he is with.

[Dexter Morgan]

Why am I not surprised to hear you were in her bf's shoes? This quite clearly explains why you're being so hard on FC and adamant that she is basically *evil*.

 

you can dispense with the drama....nowhere did I call her evil or insinuate it.

[Kamille]

you can dispense with the drama....nowhere did I call her evil or insinuate it.

 

Then why do you keep harping on in such moralizing judgemental tones? Why are you so adamant that she doesn't derserve him? That he's a "good man" who's being foiled? Have you met him or her personally?

 

You are creating the drama out of your own situation and past experience. You have a bias here and yet you think you are being helpful by basically telling FC that she doesn't deserve an ounce of happiness. You want her to suffer, like, no doubt, you would like your ex to suffer.

 

Sorry, life is not that simple. Forgive your ex and try to understand that humans, though messed up, all deserve happiness. And that you don't hold the truth as to what should be done in this situation or what the consequences will be.

[Kamille]

 

 

 

 

gee...sounds all rosey. sounded like my situation with my XW.....until I found out from someone years later about what she had done and decided she didn't have the guts to come clean with me and let me have information that I deserved to have to make decisions about my life.

 

 

 

 

if she NEVER told her bf, now husband, the truth...then no, she doesn't deserve to have him.

 

if she came clean and he forgave her, and he went on with her knowing what had been done....then they do deserve each other and she deserved him because she respected him enough to come clean and let him decide how his life should turn out.

 

so question is....did she come clean?

 

If the answer is no, then she doesn't deserve him.

 

If the answer is yes, then she let him decide if she deserves him or not and all is good:)

 

 

 

 

what she has learned is she can get away with it and she has the tits to cheat, but not the tits to do right by a good man.

 

 

What FC decides to do is up to her.

 

And no, my friend never told her bf. And see, this is where you and I disagree. It was a mistake on her part. It was something, as in FC's case, that when beyond strict categories of right and wrong. I'm sorry life doesn't fit neatly into your moral categories.

 

Life is a lot messier then right and wrong and good people and, by correlation, bad people.

 

neither my friend nor FC are "bad people". They're people who made mistakes. My friend found ways to forgive herself. Like FC, the episode confirmed to her that she loved her bf and never wanted to do it again.

 

 

what she has learned is she can get away with it and she has the tits to cheat, but not the tits to do right by a good man.

 

 

See, this is where you are wrong. What a simplistic view of humanity, but I guess you have to believe what you have to believe in order to deal with your situaiton. That is not what my friend learned. She learned, instead, as I have said, that she didn't want to that ever again. Like FC, it sent her on a huge wave of introspection.

 

Sorry to report, the "good" people who never cheat aren't the only ones who are capable of introspection.

[Bejita463]

And no, my friend never told her bf.

 

If I were married to a woman for 10 years and she decided to tell me that during a portion - ANY portion - of our relationship, she screwed another guy and never bothered to let me know, she would have divorce papers in her hand as soon as I could get a lawyer to process them.

 

I would actually consider it worse for having waited so long to bother to let me know, for the exact reason Dexter said. That is information I should have available in order to make important decisions about my life. I find it supremely selfish/wrong that someone would withhold such important information, especially when it would be useful when considering making a major life altering decision like marriage.

Edited October 12, 2009 by Bejita463

[Kamille]

If I were married to a woman for 10 years and she decided to tell me that during a portion - ANY portion - of our relationship, she screwed another guy and never bothered to let me know, she would have divorce papers in her hand as soon as I could get a lawyer to process them.

 

I would actually consider it worse for having waited so long to bother to let me know, for the exact reason Dexter said. That is information I should have available in order to make important decisions about my life. I find it supremely selfish/wrong that someone would withhold such important information, especially when it would be useful when considering making a major life altering decision like marriage.

 

Listen, I understand you and DM's desire to exert control over your own lives. I understand anyone in this situation would feel betrayed and I am in no means condoning what my friend or FC did.

 

I'm just feeling like there's a moralizing tone in this thread that is more about retribution then helpfulness. You all feel like FC and my friend shouldn't be allowed to "get away" with it or else they won't learn their lesson. Truth is, in my friend's case, she did learn a lesson, only, she also got to be happy in the process. I know many of you feel she doesn't deserve it. But my point is, who are you to decide that? She's a wonderful wife and mother and he's also extremely happy.

 

And as far as I know, sorry to say, no one is planning on telling him about the incident any time soon.

Edited October 12, 2009 by Kamille

[Bejita463]

You all feel like FC and my friend shouldn't be allowed to "get away" with it or else they won't learn their lesson.

 

I don't really care if a cheater learns their lesson or not. I just feel the person who was cheated on deserves to know about it. The betrayed person may willingly continue the relationship if they know, but holding that information back so they do not even have the option is just wrong.

 

A guy would get crucified for trying to say it is okay he cheated on a girl simply because she never found out about it, and they ended up in a happy marriage as a result of him failing to let her know about it.

 

Truth is, in my friend's case, she did learn a lesson, only, she also got to be happy in the process. I know many of you feel she doesn't deserve it.

 

Sure she does, but that same lesson could have been learned while being honest at the same time. Things could have turned out the same way they did, and if it would have that is even more reason to have been honest. If not, the relationship is built on, and hinges on a lie.

 

Even if I could forgive someone for cheating on me, I wouldn't want that. That's my point. If you'd be okay with it, I cannot honestly say I understand that, but that's great for you.

 

But my point is, who are you to decide that?

 

I am not the one I think should decide it. The betrayed SO is the one who's choice I am advcating.

 

She's a wonderful wife and mother and he's also extremely happy.

 

And as far as I know, sorry to say, no one is planning on telling him about the incident any time soon.

 

"Ignorance is bliss" is just not the foundation for a relationship I would personally choose, regardless of whether I'd forgive a cheater or not.

 

 

I understand what you are trying to say, and I do not begrudge you for having an opinion that differs from mine, but we aren't going to agree on this. I'm only replying to explain a point of view I don't think you are following as well as is possible.

[Dexter Morgan]

Then why do you keep harping on in such moralizing judgemental tones? Why are you so adamant that she doesn't derserve him?

 

because she doesn't. And she asked of me if she is forever tainted because of her bad choice. I told her no, she can learn her lesson, but just apply it to a new relationship in the future.

 

 

That he's a "good man" who's being foiled?

 

uh, because he is. have you not read her words? She cheated on him, he doesn't know and she isn't going to let him know.

 

He IS being fooled and she WILL keep him in the dark.

 

 

You are creating the drama out of your own situation and past experience.

 

of course I am. I have been in her bf's shoes. You bet I'm going to bring my experience in a similar situation.

 

 

You have a bias here and yet you think you are being helpful by basically telling FC that she doesn't deserve an ounce of happiness.

 

again, you didn't read my replies. I said she doesn't deserve the guy she is currently cheating on. She needs to grow up, mature, and apply the lesson from her lousy choice to a new relationship in the future.

[Kamille]

I understand what you are trying to say, and I do not begrudge you for having an opinion that differs from mine, but we aren't going to agree on this. I'm only replying to explain a point of view I don't think you are following as well as is possible.

 

Oh no, believe me, I follow your point of view. It's the only point of view that has been put foward on this thread which is the reason why I decided to speak up. I felt like we kept beating a hurt puppy and just want to open the conversation in a different direction then "what you did is wrong", "you are immature" and "you need to grow up" and "learn your lesson". I think we can also be open to discussing the reasons why FC found herself in this situation, what it means to her, why she's having such a hard time making up her mind, what she wants, what she needs right now and what she is learning from this.

 

And please abstain from making this a gender issue. As far as I know, I would posts the same things on a thread of a man who was showing as much remorse and confusion as FC is on this thread.

Edited October 12, 2009 by Kamille