I was cheated on, now I'm the cheater =(

[Dexter Morgan]

What FC decides to do is up to her.

 

yup, and that is unfortunate for her "bf"

 

 

And no, my friend never told her bf.

 

yup, guts to cheat, none to come clean. What do you think would happen if he finds out? Ya I know, there is no way he will right? uh huh....thats what my X thought....and then 8 years later

 

 

Life is a lot messier then right and wrong and good people and, by correlation, bad people.

 

neither my friend nor FC are "bad people". They're people who made mistakes. My friend found ways to forgive herself. Like FC, the episode confirmed to her that she loved her bf and never wanted to do it again.

 

 

gee, and yet FC just recently posted that her X still has a hold on her....interesting:confused:

 

 

 

See, this is where you are wrong. What a simplistic view of humanity, but I guess you have to believe what you have to believe in order to deal with your situaiton.

 

there isn't anything in my situation to deal with. I got rid of her long ago.

 

And no, I'm not wrong. I WAS in the same situation as FC's man. I was kept in the dark because of her selfishness, and therefore I have years of my life I'll never get back. Same thing with FC's man. he just might find out a few years from now and realize he was played for a fool and that he wasted too much of his precious life's time.

 

 

That is not what my friend learned. She learned, instead, as I have said, that she didn't want to that ever again. Like FC, it sent her on a huge wave of introspection.

 

well its all well and good that the cheaters can forgive themselves:o

 

shouldn't it be up to the person they cheated on to decide for themselves if they deserve better?

 

Or do you feel the people betrayed don't deserve the truth and don't deserve to make informed decisions about their own lives, rather than lied to and manipulated?

[Dexter Morgan]

If I were married to a woman for 10 years and she decided to tell me that during a portion - ANY portion - of our relationship, she screwed another guy and never bothered to let me know, she would have divorce papers in her hand as soon as I could get a lawyer to process them.

 

I would actually consider it worse for having waited so long to bother to let me know

 

 

EXACTLY!!!! I have lived this situation, so I know what I'm talking about.

 

 

That is information I should have available in order to make important decisions about my life. I find it supremely selfish/wrong that someone would withhold such important information, especially when it would be useful when considering making a major life altering decision like marriage.

 

well said

[Dexter Morgan]

Listen, I understand you and DM's desire to exert control over your own lives. I understand anyone in this situation would feel betrayed and I am in no means condoning what my friend or FC did.

 

I'm just feeling like there's a moralizing tone in this thread that is more about retribution then helpfulness.

 

if that were true, I'd have told her she doesn't deserve her bf OR anyone else out there in the world.

 

Again, I do believe I told her to learn her lesson and apply it in the future with someone she hasn't betrayed and desires to keep them in the dark about it.

 

 

 

You all feel like FC and my friend shouldn't be allowed to "get away" with it or else they won't learn their lesson.

 

so you are saying they should get away with it?

 

and again....they are denying their partners what they deserve...the truth...and control over their lives. Neither men know what their partners are. FC and your friend, by withholding the truth and willfully trying to hide the truth, are manipulators.

 

 

Truth is, in my friend's case, she did learn a lesson, only, she also got to be happy in the process. I know many of you feel she doesn't deserve it.

 

i feel she would have deserved it if she would have informed her now husband so HE can decide if she deserves him or not. If she would have came clean and he forgave her, and they moved on....then fabulous. All the best in the world as he would have had the information to exert control over his life.

 

 

 

But my point is, who are you to decide that?

 

we aren't.....her now husband should have had the right to decide that.

 

who is she to manipulate him and keep him snowballed for her own selfish desires?

 

 

She's a wonderful wife and mother and he's also extremely happy.

 

 

thats because she kept him in the dark and he doesn't know what she is.

 

 

And as far as I know, sorry to say, no one is planning on telling him about the incident any time soon.

 

my xW counted on that as well. too bad someone that knew decided to tell me years later out of the blue

[Bejita463]

Oh no, believe me, I follow your point of view. It's the only point of view that has been put foward on this thread which is the reason why I decided to speak up. I felt like we kept beating a hurt puppy and just want to open the conversation in a different direction then "what you did is wrong", "you are immature" and "you need to grow up" and "learn your lesson". I think we can also be open to discussing the reasons why FC found herself in this situation, what it means to her, why she's having such a hard time making up her mind, what she wants, what she needs right now and what she is learning from this.

 

Fair enough.

 

And please abstain from making this a gender issue. As far as I know, I would posts the same things on a thread of a man who was showing as much remorse and confusion as FC is on this thread.

 

It was not my intent to infer that your personal reply would be different. Gender is largely irrelevant to such situations, I agree. I'm willing to admit that was probably not the best choice of words I could possibly have used.

[boldjack]

Kamille, this issue with FC isn't about gender, and it isn't about bashing, it's about FC being able to be an honest person or not. She has maintained her lying, and has made no attempt to solve her problems in an honest and constructive way. For her to progress, she must first be able to be honest, not just with her BF, but with herself. Like an alcoholic, she must face the truth or change and behavior modification cannot take place. Rather than reinforcing her totally self-centered attitude (which is what got her into this mess, in the first place), posters should make every attempt to convince her that personal integrity is the best, and only true method of bettering her condition.

[Kamille]

Or do you feel the people betrayed don't deserve the truth and don't deserve to make informed decisions about their own lives, rather than lied to and manipulated?

 

In all honesty, I think that my friend and her husband would have missed out on a whole lot of good things that are important to each of them had things evolved differently.

 

And when they decided to get married, they did so knowing that they loved each other. From where I sit, there is a lot more to their R that one rough moment that only served to make her realize she did want to be with him and only him.

 

You see it as manipulation and betrayal and yes, it can be framed that way. All I'm saying is that there is another murkier side to this. If FC was like "ah I cheated and I don't care" I wouldn't be writing what I'm writing. But it's not what she's saying at all. She's trying to figure it out, figure out how she got there and what it means for her. Should she tell him? I'm sorry, that is up to her to decide, no matter what our morals are.

[Kamille]

Kamille, this issue with FC isn't about gender, and it isn't about bashing, it's about FC being able to be an honest person or not. She has maintained her lying, and has made no attempt to solve her problems in an honest and constructive way. For her to progress, she must first be able to be honest, not just with her BF, but with herself. Like an alcoholic, she must face the truth or change and behavior modification cannot take place. Rather than reinforcing her totally self-centered attitude (which is what got her into this mess, in the first place), posters should make every attempt to convince her that personal integrity is the best, and only true method of bettering her condition.

 

I'm not the one who brought up the gender-bashing angle.

 

And I also don't feel that it is up to us to decide whether or not FC has integrity. I don't see anyone reinforcing a self-centred attitude - nor am I able to judge that FC is indeed "totally self-centered". She's put herself on the line by posting here and been extremely honest. She hasn't rejected any of your advice and in fact, if she posted here, it's probably because she wants to expiate her fault and take a beating.

 

I feel like FC is somehow trying to expiate her fault by putting herself through hell and being at the mercy of complete stanger's judgement, instead of actually delving into what got her to act the way she did. A lot of people are assuming there is something fundamentally wrong with her. I'm not. I think she's a competent adult, capable of reflection and change.

[Dexter Morgan]

In all honesty, I think that my friend and her husband would have missed out on a whole lot of good things that are important to each of them had things evolved differently.

 

thats not what I asked. I asked if it was ok that the betrayed partner is lied to and manipulated.

 

let me take it further, its ok that the betrayed partner is lied to and manipulated so that the desires of the betrayer are met?

 

 

And when they decided to get married, they did so knowing that they loved each other.

 

of course, he didn't know what she did. he might have been the type to overlook it and marry her anyway, or he might have been the type that the love gets flushed down the toilet once he finds out she boffed another guy behind his back.

 

So of course he loved her.....he doesn't know the truth.

 

 

From where I sit, there is a lot more to their R that one rough moment that only served to make her realize she did want to be with him and only him.

 

 

if that was the case, then she should have come clean. if there relationship was so strong, then it would have withstood the truth and he would have control over his life.

 

But then again, their relationship was strong........yet she spread 'em for another guy.

 

 

You see it as manipulation and betrayal and yes, it can be framed that way.

 

its not framed that way, it IS that way.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm not the one who brought up the gender-bashing angle.

 

And I also don't feel that it is up to us to decide whether or not FC has integrity.

 

uh, cheating, and then continuing to lie, and purposely withholding the situation from the bf......sorry, I don't see much integrity in any of that.

 

If she had integrity, she'd respect him enough to come clean and let him decide how to proceed. But she won't...she is denying him that right.

 

 

A lot of people are assuming there is something fundamentally wrong with her. I'm not. I think she's a competent adult, capable of reflection and change.

 

just not capable of being honest with her significant other:o

[boldjack]

Come now, Kamille, this is an anonymous forum. How is this in any way an act of contrition? You are grasping at straws to support an unsupportable argument. If you have read any of FC's posts at all, then you must be aware of her total committment to her own welfare and her complete lack of true love and respect for her BF. Encouraging her, in her dishonesty, says as much about you as it does about her, don't you think?i

[Kamille]

Come now, Kamille, this is an anonymous forum. How is this in any way an act of contrition? You are grasping at straws to support an unsupportable argument. If you have read any of FC's posts at all, then you must be aware of her total committment to her own welfare and her complete lack of true love and respect for her BF. Encouraging her, in her dishonesty, says as much about you as it does about her, don't you think?i

 

 

Goodness. Is the Inquisition back on? Are we witchhunting now? Glad you feel inclined to judge me too for simply bringing a different perspective to the thread.

 

As I've said, I don't condone what she did. I am far from thinking it is right.

 

I'm also far from thinking that I'm encouraging cheating.

 

I can see why it's hard to grasp my argument from a perspective of "what she did is wrong and therefore the only thing we can do is sit here tell her what she did is wrong, or else it'll be like we're encouraging cheating".

 

All I'm saying is : okay, oh ye of impeccable moral fortitude who may cast the first stone, we get it, what she did is wrong. I'm suggesting a different less judgemental way to approach the issue.

 

What I'm saying is she is a competent human being who cheated. She needs to own that as a responsible adult and not be treated like a wayward child. She needs to delve into what brought her to cheat. We have a few of the pieces: a codependent relationship with the ex. Ease up on the judgement and the "you should this you should that" and let's tackle this issue differently. Or at least, allow for some posts to tackle it differently.

Edited October 12, 2009 by Kamille

[boldjack]

Kamille, what you are doing is OK up to a point. But you are continuing to evade the issue of personal integrity. As long as FC continues to believe that what she is doing to her BF is "noble", or that she is "suffering", for her BF, she will never change the under lying issues she has. Perhaps you should also give a few thoughts to her poor, ignorant BF, he is the true victim here.

[boldjack]

BTW you are judging me also. I have been a serial cheater, and know what I'm talking about. I was no better than FC, but I learned , the hard way, that without personal honesty, change is impossible.

[Kamille]

Kamille, what you are doing is OK up to a point. But you are continuing to evade the issue of personal integrity. As long as FC continues to believe that what she is doing to her BF is "noble", or that she is "suffering", for her BF, she will never change the under lying issues she has. Perhaps you should also give a few thoughts to her poor, ignorant BF, he is the true victim here.

 

 

Fair enough. And yes, I do think about the bf. At the same time, everyone on this thread so far have been speaking from the voice of the betrayed bf. I've been following this thread for days and today just felt like it was time to introduce a new angle to the thread.

 

And I do put myself in the shoes of the betrayed partner and tbh, if it was early on and made my partner realize that they needed to let go of the past and that they had something great with me; and as long as they were absolutely convinced it made them never want to cheat ever again - then I'm not sure I would want to know. I know this opens another can of worms.

[Kamille]

BTW you are judging me also. I have been a serial cheater, and know what I'm talking about. I was no better than FC, but I learned , the hard way, that without personal honesty, change is impossible.

 

But don't you think she is being honest here? She may be all over the place on this thread, but it sounds to me like she's really digging deep? Not to mention, she isn't a serial cheater. She cheated once.

[boldjack]

I think that she is honest, when it suits her purposes, but when it is uncomfortable or when it conflicts with her selfish attitude, then she's not.

[fabulous_chk]

Issues I'm dealing with, which my stbxbf should not be burdened with because I need to resolve this by myself:

 

1. I became a codependent to the most narcissistic person I've ever known- my ex. That's why I constantly have an irrational need to seek his approval. I guess I've been emotionally abused for so long and I do not have a clear handle of what's normal or not in a relationship.

 

2. I have an avoidant personality - I run away from problems no matter how big or small.

 

3. I have a Social Anxiety Disorder - and that's how my ex was able to easily manipulate me. He was the only one around for 4 years. And also, this is why I'm clinging to my stbxbf, because I view him as a person who can lift me up and make me heal. I view him as my savior, my only grasp of what is normal. I know this is too much of a burden to someone and it's really unfair to him. But I guess when you're desperate like me, you tend to reach for anyone who gives you a rope.

 

 

So, clearly I'm a broken-down person and not good enough for anybody, until I resolve up my issues.

[Dexter Morgan]

But don't you think she is being honest here?

 

 

to us yes.....to her bf....no.

 

He is the one that she needs to be honest with and he is the one that deserves that honesty.

[fabulous_chk]

I've been a resident of the coping forum since April and their advice to the dumpee is, the less you know, the better.

 

And I agree with that. When I was cheated on, I couldn't handle any details - my chest would burn just by the mere mention of her name. Anything else beyond that, I'd rather not know. His relationship with the other girl is his own business.

 

But, I guess he had a need to clear his guilty conscience, and burdened me with graphic details just so he can feel better about what he did. It's not because he wanted me to feel better- it's all for his well-being.

 

Believe me, as a dumpee, I did not want to know. Because of what he told me, I have endless vivid scenarios in my head. I feel like I'm back to the day of break-up. I am so angry he set me back like this. He is feeling good now - he's a brand new person, he is clean, he is pure, he can start a new life and have a wife and four kids, just like what boldjack did. What a commendable action eh?

 

Except that he left a trail of broken hearts and broken homes that could have done without the dirty details. He moved on with his life happily, as he told me.

 

 

I wonder about the people he confessed to. I am thinking here that they will never forget what he told them. It will be on endless replay years from now. Was he right to subject them to a lot of misery? It was all for his benefit, for his integrity, he told me. It was not to the benefit of the person cheated on. And that, to me, is the ultimate selfishness.

 

 

He is happy now. What about the lives he destroyed?

[lkjh]

Kamille,

Your true story about your friend is a joke. Your friend is a not a good person nor is she a good wife/gf. She will cheat again, if she hasn't already. Her marraige is a joke and not real. Get off you new age enlightenment bs, you friend is low class cake eater. Just because you helped her cheat does not mean what she did was all good and dandy. Her husband will find out one day and it will kill him. Life isn't just about the individual, you can't just live your life in a selfish way.

[lkjh]

Kamile,

I am curious do ever see your old roommate? Does your friend?

[Kamille]

Kamille,

Your true story about your friend is a joke. Your friend is a not a good person nor is she a good wife/gf. She will cheat again, if she hasn't already. Her marraige is a joke and not real. Get off you new age enlightenment bs, you friend is low class cake eater. Just because you helped her cheat does not mean what she did was all good and dandy. Her husband will find out one day and it will kill him. Life isn't just about the individual, you can't just live your life in a selfish way.

 

 

I'm sorry the story angers you, but you and I both know that life isn't that simple. Wouldn't it be nice if people who cheated could just be "bad people" forever and only get what you think they deserve: unhappiness.

 

No she hasn't cheated again as far as I know. And no I didn't help her cheat. I was away at a conference when the whole thing happened.

 

As to your judgement of her, all up to you. Her life won't be affected.

[Kamille]

Kamile,

I am curious do ever see your old roommate? Does your friend?

 

 

Yes, I still see my old roomate. We all live in different cities now. I doubt my friend and my old roomate are still in touch.

[Kamille]

Issues I'm dealing with, which my stbxbf should not be burdened with because I need to resolve this by myself:

 

1. I became a codependent to the most narcissistic person I've ever known- my ex. That's why I constantly have an irrational need to seek his approval. I guess I've been emotionally abused for so long and I do not have a clear handle of what's normal or not in a relationship.

 

2. I have an avoidant personality - I run away from problems no matter how big or small.

 

3. I have a Social Anxiety Disorder - and that's how my ex was able to easily manipulate me. He was the only one around for 4 years. And also, this is why I'm clinging to my stbxbf, because I view him as a person who can lift me up and make me heal. I view him as my savior, my only grasp of what is normal. I know this is too much of a burden to someone and it's really unfair to him. But I guess when you're desperate like me, you tend to reach for anyone who gives you a rope.

 

 

So, clearly I'm a broken-down person and not good enough for anybody, until I resolve up my issues.

 

I respect your decision to be on your own as your sort through your issues. My question is: why do you still see your ex ex? Wouldn't it be easier if you two went NC?

[lkjh]

Kamille,

Your story doesn't anger me, its just common sense. Your friend is not a good wife and she doesn't deserve a husband she cheated on. Yes, you did help it happen. You covered for it and I am pretty sure there were events that lead up to the cheating.

 

How did you find out and did her husband know the roommate? She will cheat again and one day her H will find out about the time with your roommate.