I was cheated on, now I'm the cheater =(

[Kamille]

Kamille,

Your story doesn't anger me, its just common sense. Your friend is not a good wife and she doesn't deserve a husband she cheated on. Yes, you did help it happen. You covered for it and I am pretty sure there were events that lead up to the cheating.

 

How did you find out and did her husband know the roommate? She will cheat again and one day her H will find out about the time with your roommate.

 

Judge away lkjh. Judge me and judge my friend. I'm sure you're better then either of us anyway.

 

You weren't there. You cannot say whether or not I had anything to do with the situation. I can assure you I didn't, but I don't care to defend myself. Clearly, what you want to do is judge me, so go ahead. Whatever makes your world easier to live in.

Edited October 12, 2009 by Kamille

[You'reasian]

You weren't there. You cannot say whether or not I had anything to do with the situation. I can assure you I didn't, but I don't care to defend myself.

 

Oh I was there.......um jk?

[boldjack]

Kamille, You seem to have a very short-sighted view. Very, very few affairs go unknown, forever. 10, 20 years in the future , the husband will find out enough to begin to question her story, and then where will their love be? Yes you did aid and abet her, by not letting this poor guy know the kind of person he is really married to. If this was done to you, I'm pretty sure that you would feel different.

[lkjh]

It's not a judgement its a fact. Your friend doesn't deserve her husband. You knew this happened and you covered for it, you let the guy stay in a relationship with her, you let him marry her, and you let him have kids with her.

 

How did you find out? Did her H know your roommate?

[boldjack]

OP, this is the last thing I'm going to say about this thread, and I wouldn't be saying it, but I believe that there is still a chance for you to turn this situation around and make it a positive learning experience. If you are going to break up- then tell your BF the true reason why, just say that you slept with your ex, and still have issues. You don't have to go into all of the gory details. Just leave him with one honest memory of you,that you made a mistake, but were a good enough person to own up to it. He will find out, either from you or your ex, or your ex's gf. This is something you can't hide. Please think of him, instead of yourself, just this once.

[Kamille]

An affair? My friend had a one night stand with my roomate. Hardly an affair. No one can tell whether or not the truth will come out. I get the feeling that some poster's idea of justice would be that the truth should come out. Then all would be right in the world. A family devastated, but at least your idea of justice would be served. Ok. Fine. It's been something like 10 years since that night happened, four years since they've married.

 

And this discussion is making realize the extent to which we judge people on here on very little background.

 

Yes, when she first told me what happened, I advised her to be honest with him (like you all did). She decided not to, and that was up to her. Other adult's actions are outside of my control.

 

They got engaged years later, when their relationship was completely different. When she had, in my opinion, done right by him in a great many ways. I didn't feel it was any of my business to say anything then. In fact, I don't think it even crossed my mind.

 

But I get the feeling we're off-topic. This isn't about my friends, or even about my moral code of ethics (or lack thereof ). Or about life being fair or unfair, Karma being real or not, and whether any one can predict with certainty that my friend's hubbie will find out she cheated on him ten years ago, when they were going through a rough time.

 

This thread is about FC who is trying to deal with her issues, as you can tell from her last posts. Anyone have input on that?

[Kamille]

OP, this is the last thing I'm going to say about this thread, and I wouldn't be saying it, but I believe that there is still a chance for you to turn this situation around and make it a positive learning experience. If you are going to break up- then tell your BF the true reason why, just say that you slept with your ex, and still have issues. You don't have to go into all of the gory details. Just leave him with one honest memory of you,that you made a mistake, but were a good enough person to own up to it.

 

I actually agree with all of this.

 

See, I'm not that depraved!

 

lkjh, I don't see what answering any of your questions would add to the thread.

[lkjh]

it would show how affairs come out, and he will find out.

[boldjack]

Kamille , to your good judgment, I can now add good taste. JK. I think that FC's bf will take this way better than she realizes. He seems to care for her, and I'm assuming that he knows many of her issues already. The act of her telling him the truth would go a very long way to assuaging any hurt feelings on his part, and would be a MAJOR step in her remedial process.

[fabulous_chk]

I respect your decision to be on your own as your sort through your issues. My question is: why do you still see your ex ex? Wouldn't it be easier if you two went NC?

 

 

He knows how to manipulate me. We own a dog together. He'd guilt me into visiting the dog. He'd guilt me by saying he's depressed and wants to die. He tells me I'm the one who saves him. I can barely save myself.

 

Plus, everybody in his family calls me all the time.

 

 

And who knows why I keep coming back to the one who hurts me? That's why I need a therapist.

[Kamille]

He knows how to manipulate me. We own a dog together. He'd guilt me into visiting the dog. He'd guilt me by saying he's depressed and wants to die. He tells me I'm the one who saves him. I can barely save myself.

 

Plus, everybody in his family calls me all the time.

 

 

And who knows why I keep coming back to the one who hurts me? That's why I need a therapist.

 

A therapist is a great idea. Better then having us LSers hash out the morality of the whole thing endlessly. You can sort out your relationship with your ex ex and, most important, sort yourself out.

 

And yeah, that relationship sounds unhealthy an co-dependent indeed. He says he's depressed? well, he has to deal with that: recommend he see a therapist too. But this is all negotiable: Tell him he's dragging you down and that you want time for yourself. Ask his family to give you time to heal and then stop picking up their calls. As to the dog: either adopt it if you can or tell your ex ex you won't be able to co-share the responsibility until the both of you are better.

 

The way I see it, the important thing here is that you disentangle yourself from this toxic relationship. Not saying you'll be able to do the whole list above in one day, but get support in your own life (friends and therapist) and start working on it. That way your self-esteem will get better and you will no longer need to rely on either your ex or your stbxbf to validate you. One little step: make the call, get a therapist. Ask your best friend or someone in your family to help you through this.

[RedDevil66]

Ok, I could only get through page 3 of this thread and wanted to throw up from some of the sickening replies! Some of the replies are downright pathetic and cruel.

 

I've been cheated on by my ex of 11 yrs and my ex after him of 2 yrs. Both times became very self destructive. Yet, I'm not going to CRUCIFY her for what she's done.

 

Fab has remorse and enough courage to come here to talk about her pains.

 

The way I see it, Fab, you were destroyed by your ex cheating on you and you never healed from that. When we don't heal from deep spiritual pain, we tend to act in very irrational ways.

You've only been with this new BF for 2 months, and don't feel you owe him an explaination of what you did.

Though I feel this relationship is simply a rebound and a relationship to quench the rejection you felt from your ex cheating on you.

But, I do think you owe it to yourself and this new guy to probably step back a little and focus on you and maybe get some therapy.

 

I did some FUNKY sh&t when my ex off 11 yrs cheated on me and left. Things that were so out of character for me. It took me a long time to realize I was acting out of pain. And it also took me a long time to heal, but with therapy and self love, I chipped away at it.

 

It's in your BEST interest to not have any contact with your ex. If you have the dog, well the dog is either his or yours and move on.

I shared 6 cats with my ex off 11 yrs and we split them. I was BESIDE myself with grief, but eventually had to let that go in order for me to survive.

 

Again, you do not and I repeat DO NOT owe the new guy any explaination of your actions.

You have not commited to him in any way, just take this pain as a blessing and a lesson.

[lkjh]

Ok, I could only get through page 3 of this thread and wanted to throw up from some of the sickening replies! Some of the replies are downright pathetic and cruel.

 

I've been cheated on by my ex of 11 yrs and my ex after him of 2 yrs. Both times became very self destructive. Yet, I'm not going to CRUCIFY her for what she's done.

 

Fab has remorse and enough courage to come here to talk about her pains.

 

The way I see it, Fab, you were destroyed by your ex cheating on you and you never healed from that. When we don't heal from deep spiritual pain, we tend to act in very irrational ways.

You've only been with this new BF for 2 months, and don't feel you owe him an explaination of what you did.

Though I feel this relationship is simply a rebound and a relationship to quench the rejection you felt from your ex cheating on you.

But, I do think you owe it to yourself and this new guy to probably step back a little and focus on you and maybe get some therapy.

 

I did some FUNKY sh&t when my ex off 11 yrs cheated on me and left. Things that were so out of character for me. It took me a long time to realize I was acting out of pain. And it also took me a long time to heal, but with therapy and self love, I chipped away at it.

 

It's in your BEST interest to not have any contact with your ex. If you have the dog, well the dog is either his or yours and move on.

I shared 6 cats with my ex off 11 yrs and we split them. I was BESIDE myself with grief, but eventually had to let that go in order for me to survive.

 

Again, you do not and I repeat DO NOT owe the new guy any explaination of your actions.

You have not commited to him in any way, just take this pain as a blessing and a lesson.

 

Do you not understand the term boyfriend. If you can't be honest and faithful with your SO then drop them. If the roles were reversed and a guy wrote this, I am willing to bet that your advice would be a lot different

[fabulous_chk]

My bf and I do feel pressured with the label bf/gf.

 

He's been single for 5 years.

 

I've been single for 5 months when I met him.

 

 

We agreed to the bf/gf label while drunk.

 

Afterwards, he felt "lovers" would be more appropriate. But we can't go around telling people we're " lovers.

 

When my bf's friends came over, he didn't introduced me as a gf. We fought about it, but tried to understand that after being single for so long, saying that he has a gf would be too odd.

 

So I said we can downgrade to just lovers, but he refused.

 

He doesn't pick up my calls when his family is around. He wouldn't pick up calls this weekend, claiming he is too sick to talk, but was able to text me long messages.

 

He cancelled a date and said he had to baby-sit his nephew. Uh-huh. He was stuttering while explaining to me.

 

He would not call as promised.

 

I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. We are supposed to see each other next weekend, and that's when I'll tell him I don't want the bf-gf label. We could be

just "lovers," like he originally wanted.

 

No commitment no strings.

 

He said the 2 weeks we were apart was a good thing.

 

More likely he had stepped out of this relationship too.

 

During the times we were out, he kissed a girl in front of me (with tongue), a girl sat on his lap for 20 mins while I watched, and he lifted my best friend up in the air for no reason. He is super-flirty when drunk, randomly asking strange girls if his pants look good.

 

But what do I know? I let these things pass because I did not want to act like a crazy jealous b*tc.h.

 

 

Otherwise, my bf treated me like a princess.

Edited October 13, 2009 by fabulous_chk

[RedDevil66]

Do you not understand the term boyfriend. If you can't be honest and faithful with your SO then drop them. If the roles were reversed and a guy wrote this, I am willing to bet that your advice would be a lot different

 

Yeah, I'm a big girl and get it, but she's been with him only 2 months with sounds like very little commitment so I don't think she owes him an explaination.

And NO, if it were a man, I would not have answered in a different fashion, but thanks for assuming you "know me" and know how I may have answered differently.

[carhill]

OK, OP, since I'm now hearing a bit of rationalization (re-read post 114 a couple of times), tell me at what point with a new man in your life that f*cking your ex becomes a poor choice and something to take complete and unequivocal responsibility for? This is key. Responsibility. No shifting. No 'reasons'. Acceptance

 

This isn't about the new BF. It's about you....

[Soul Bear]

What the hell are you doing with such a player.....?!

 

He sounds like he will do exactly what your ex did to you too.....

 

Aside from that, don't allow yourself to get whipped and do everything on his terms

You should both have a mutual respect for each other, and if the girl I was seeing kissed another guy in front of me, I would friendzone her on the spot. No going back.

I'm worth more than that...surely you must value yourself a little higher than to be treated like crap, no?

 

If I were him, I would get the impression that I could walk all over you, then whistle and hhave you come when I call. It doesn't make you to him, seem high value (which I know you are btw)

 

Depends what you're looking for out of this relationship tho.

Edited October 13, 2009 by Soul Bear

[samsungxoxo]

Don't quite understand on why would you cheat on your new boyfriend with an ex that treated sooooo poorly??? Why settle so low??

 

My guess is if there is no way that your boyfriend will find out, then tell and this time continue NC with your ex. That NC has to be forever.

[dreamergrl]

Yeah, I'm a big girl and get it, but she's been with him only 2 months with sounds like very little commitment so I don't think she owes him an explaination.

And NO, if it were a man, I would not have answered in a different fashion, but thanks for assuming you "know me" and know how I may have answered differently.

 

I think it depends on if they were sleeping together as well. If they were, I think he has a right to know what's going on, especially if they slept together after she cheated. STD's what not. There could be little commitment but still having sex.

 

Either way, I think OP needs to take a break from men and figure out why she's doing what she's doing.

 

Personally, I think it might do her some good to tell the guy, as then she's coming to terms with what she did.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've been a resident of the coping forum since April and their advice to the dumpee is, the less you know, the better.

 

And I agree with that. When I was cheated on, I couldn't handle any details - my chest would burn just by the mere mention of her name. Anything else beyond that, I'd rather not know. His relationship with the other girl is his own business.

 

we aren't talking about details...we are talking about lying and keeping him COMPLETELY in the dark.

 

but hey, you justify it in your mind however you want to continue to lie to him. didn't you say you were going to break it off with him? If so, then no need to tell, although he will wonder why you are breaking up.

 

so get on with it, spare the guy, quit wasting his time, and break up already.

 

 

Believe me, as a dumpee, I did not want to know.

 

if you are dumping him, then no, don't tell....better you break up, than keep him on a leash and continue to lie.

 

but if you are going to take away his right to decide how to live his life and stay with him when he doesn't know the kind of person he is with....then I'd say you need to come clean.

 

But hey, breaking up with him is doing right by him enough. I'd rather someone break up with me and withhold info, than for me to stay with someone I only thought I knew.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm sorry the story angers you, but you and I both know that life isn't that simple. Wouldn't it be nice if people who cheated could just be "bad people" forever and only get what you think they deserve: unhappiness.

 

I know this was not in response to me, but I never said she has to be unhappy. Cheaters can learn their lesson and be happy, just not with the person they claimed they loved when the f####d someone else.

 

they only deserve happiness with the person they cheated on if their partner knows of the cheating and decided for themselves if they want to stay with the cheater.

 

they can be happy, they just don't deserve someone they continue to lie to and deceive.

[lkjh]

Yeah, I'm a big girl and get it, but she's been with him only 2 months with sounds like very little commitment so I don't think she owes him an explaination.

And NO, if it were a man, I would not have answered in a different fashion, but thanks for assuming you "know me" and know how I may have answered differently.

 

 

I really hope not all women think so selfishly. So I am curious what is the magic time line when you need to stop sleeping with other people. If you take the label BF/GF then you have to live up to it. There are bigger things in life then just yourself.

 

OP, you need to get some self value and own up to your actions. Dump your boyfriend and get rid of your ex for good. Stay away from guys until you are more stable. Start by doing things that better you as a person. working out, reading, hobbies, and so on.

[Dexter Morgan]

An affair? My friend had a one night stand with my roomate. Hardly an affair. No one can tell whether or not the truth will come out.

 

well its a little late for that. she already roped him into marriage and kept it from him long enough to get a ring on her finger.

 

 

I get the feeling that some poster's idea of justice would be that the truth should come out. Then all would be right in the world. A family devastated

 

if its one thing in the world I can't stand is the idea of a family being torn apart. My kids lives were turned upside down. But just as in your friend's situation, the devestation was the fault of the person that cheated....not someone that told, and not the betrayed person that found out.

 

 

And this discussion is making realize the extent to which we judge people on here on very little background.

 

background is irrelevant when it comes to cheating. either they f####d someone behind their partner's back, or they didn't.

 

 

Yes, when she first told me what happened, I advised her to be honest with him (like you all did). She decided not to, and that was up to her. Other adult's actions are outside of my control.

 

I don't know you would be able to look him in the face knowing you helped her keep this secret from him.

 

 

This thread is about FC who is trying to deal with her issues, as you can tell from her last posts. Anyone have input on that?

 

then don't interject your friend's situation on it. it was you that got it "off topic".

 

and yes, we have input....she doesn't have the guts to respect him enough to be honest. So at the very least, it looks like, she will break up with him....hopefully. At least that way he is spared from her....only problem is, he won't know why she broke up and will probably beg her like a puppy dog not knowing she is infatuated with her X.

[Dexter Morgan]

My bf and I do feel pressured with the label bf/gf.

 

He's been single for 5 years.

 

I've been single for 5 months when I met him.

 

 

We agreed to the bf/gf label while drunk.

 

Afterwards, he felt "lovers" would be more appropriate. But we can't go around telling people we're " lovers.

 

ok, so you don't like the bf/gf label and consider yourself "just" lovers.

 

alrighty then....what would you do if you found out he was boning some other woman besides you? afterall......you aren't bf/gf....right?

 

and don't answer that from a perspective because you know he wouldn't do that....really imagine his butt rising up and down with another woman underneath him.......since you aren't bf/gf.....its all good....right?

 

 

 

He cancelled a date and said he had to baby-sit his nephew. Uh-huh. He was stuttering while explaining to me.

 

hmmm...maybe in some way he knows you boffed your X....so maybe he decided he shouldn't have those same strings and went out with someone else?

 

 

 

No commitment no strings.

 

He said the 2 weeks we were apart was a good thing.

 

More likely he had stepped out of this relationship too.

 

During the times we were out, he kissed a girl in front of me (with tongue), a girl sat on his lap for 20 mins while I watched, and he lifted my best friend up in the air for no reason. He is super-flirty when drunk, randomly asking strange girls if his pants look good.

 

But what do I know? I let these things pass because I did not want to act like a crazy jealous b*tc.h.

 

 

Otherwise, my bf treated me like a princess.

 

uh, treats you like a princess, yet you had all those undesirable traits of someone that does NOT treat someone like a princess.

 

I think we need to ask for a ruling from you here and ask that you make up your mind.

[Dexter Morgan]

What the hell are you doing with such a player.....?!

 

but hes NOT a player!!! He treats her like a princess....no wait,......he doesn't answer her calls....kisses another girl in front of her.....*head spinning*