Javelin Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) I am not going to confess this to my bf - no sense hurting him when I know now for sure who I really am in love with. You've chosen a very dangerous & selfish path! I'd highly advise that you rethink your decision, for your own sake. Also, your relationship from this point on will be a lie and over time the guilt will eventually consume you. I'd suggest that you prepare yourself for the worse case scenario, because this will come back to you, one way or another. Edited October 9, 2009 by Javelin Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 This thread probably contains some of the harshest replies I've ever seen on LS. I'm assuming that while it's far from being therapeutic for Fabulous_chk, it's at least allowing some of you to express your anger. Perhaps you've been cheated on in the past too or something. And I assume none of you, apart from untouchable fire, have ever ever ever cheated. I haven't ever cheated and yet I can't help but empathize with Fabulous_chk. Not that I condone what she did. More that I can understand that her action stem from just how much her ex hurt her. And, as some of you have pointed out (generally in quite judgemental tones), that she still has some ways to go before she can claim to be over the pain he caused her. And FC, do or don't tell your new bf. That decision is up to you and no one else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 My emotions are no bull****. I type everything out as I feel them. My thoughts are my thoughts, rational or not. I will not break-up with my bf because I cheated. No. He will never know. This secret I will take to my grave, no matter what it cost me. You guys keep saying that he needs to know the truth. Well, guess what happened to me when I knew the truth? I WAS SUICIDAL. Some truths are better hidden. This particular truth will not benefit him. I will break up with him simply because I am not worthy of him. I'm not a complete person. I need to be by myself. Be happy by myself. My ex and I cannot ever implement NC. I tried but we end up somehow getting in contact with each other. He was stalking me at school at one point. I do not mind the harsh words you guys have given me. Thank you. I want to reply to each and everyone but I will figure this out in time. Right now, my mind is performing mental gymnastics and it is just too confusing to analyze my behavior. I need a therapist definitely. I need counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 OP I call b**lsh*t!! You say that you're not ready, to be with somebody? Prove it. This is your opportunity . Tell your BF the truth and break up. Nobody here believes a word you are saying, why should we? You are a total selfish liar. What more is there to say? I have no reason to lie here. Why would I make up a story? Everything I have written down is what I feel and think. See, I'm not even making myself look good. You guys know more about me than my friends do. Oh, and my ex is Greek. Should have stayed away from the first LOL. I've been lured by a pretty face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 I just suddenly realized why I kept in contact with my ex. I wanted him to want me back. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Fabulous_Chk, I've been a member of LS for a very long time and I've read thousands of threads in this sub-forum in terms of problematic relationships. While many members do post negative comments, there are those of us that do offer some form of guidance in these tough situations. However, it is up to you to acknowledge and understand how to use the information that we give you. Believe us when we say that aside from your cheating, at this point - your relationship is not going to work! Especially if you're going to continuously neglect the trust, honesty, and communication aspects of it! These elements are key to a healthy & successful relationship and if you truly love your boyfriend the way that you so claim. Then he needs to know the truth, so that he can decide for himself. For you to take his fate into your own hands is wrong, you know this... To play this dangerous game is not advisable, because you will eventually lose. The choice is ultimately up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 This is my last post for tonight. My mind is exhausted. Here is the text I received from my ex a few hours ago: "U ok?" LOL. And here is the text that I received from my bf just half an hour ago: "Baby you are the sweetest, coolest, greatest, most affectionate girl I have ever met...having someone like you in my life truly makes me one of the luckiest guys around....I love you with all my heart Thank God I found you." Yes please hate me. I deserve to be hated. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 "Baby you are the sweetest, coolest, greatest, most affectionate girl I have ever met...having someone like you in my life truly makes me one of the luckiest guys around....I love you with all my heart Thank God I found you. " I feel so sorry for him. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 its pretty simple, you are a selfish person and no you are not a good person Link to post Share on other sites
JohnP82 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 "Baby you are the sweetest, coolest, greatest, most affectionate girl I have ever met...having someone like you in my life truly makes me one of the luckiest guys around....I love you with all my heart Thank God I found you." You really need to come clean. He really doesn't deserve this. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 This is my last post for tonight. My mind is exhausted. Here is the text I received from my ex a few hours ago: "U ok?" LOL. And here is the text that I received from my bf just half an hour ago: "Baby you are the sweetest, coolest, greatest, most affectionate girl I have ever met...having someone like you in my life truly makes me one of the luckiest guys around....I love you with all my heart Thank God I found you." Yes please hate me. I deserve to be hated. You are never going to feel good about yourself until you deal with this. Hiding this from your bf not only allows you to keep it secret from him, and keep this person in your life but it also allows you to escape responsibility and allows you escape from facing the reality of what you've done. You'll never be able to heal and move on from the beef you are going to have with YOURSELF if you don't confront what you've done. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 In my opinion, this is all about self-delusion. She actually believes that she can carry on a normal loving relationship, with him, and him not be aware that something is wrong, at some point. She has deluded herself into thinking that she is being "Noble", by suffering with her guilt without telling her BF. She has done the worst thing you can do to a SO, and her guilt is so bad, that she has to invent something to assuage it, hence this whole martyrdom thing. She is extremely immature, and will listen to nothing tha tconflicts with what she has already bought into. So basically we posters are wasting our time trying to help, because she really doesn't WANT help. She wants us to tell her that it is the right thing to continue to lie, and that we feel so sorry for her, and how noble she is. I'm done with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 pain. My poor bf. =( ok, so only one question remains....when are you going to set your "bf" free and break it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 And here is the text that I received from my bf just half an hour ago: "Baby you are the sweetest, coolest, greatest, most affectionate girl I have ever met...having someone like you in my life truly makes me one of the luckiest guys around....I love you with all my heart Thank God I found you." how little does your bf know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 Update: My bf is very sick right now. He is being taken care of his mom. More info about my bf - he has introduced me to his friends (who he has told me cheat all the time with their gfs) - but he won't introduce me to his family although he had opportunities to do so. He is Punjabi Sikh and although their family is not traditional, they are expected to marry within their culture and religion. He has kissed another girl in front of me. And a "girl friend" sat on his lap while I was dancing with his friend. We were all drunk. He was very sorry and I think the surge of affection he gave me this past 4 weeks is because of that incident. He is a wonderful man though. Treats me right, listens to me, is interested genuinely to know me and where I come from. ************************ My ex called me in the wee hours of the morning. He wanted me to come over and sleep with him. Just to sleep, he clarified. Ex: "It would be nice to hold you in my arms." Me: "No. Not a good idea, and you know this." Ex: "Because you're in love with me?" Me: "No." Ex: "No means yes." I didn't come over. My ex has been trying to break me and my bf up, I see that now. I thought that he was genuinely trying to look out for me, but remembering our past conversations, where my ex said, "You are not in love with him," "You are making a mistake," "I still feel the same for you," "He will cheat on you," "He is not wonderful" ............and I would end up hysterical and crying and would wanna break up with my bf. But somehow my bf would always manage to convince me that everything will be alright. ************* I am constantly reading your posts. I cannot respond yet. You think I'm a bad person. All bad. And somehow, because I know myself and what I have been through, I don't believe I'm all bad. Just going through the toughest and the lowest period in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Sorry Op, your actions speak louder than your words. This is too disgusting. I'm done............... Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 Thank you boldjack. I am not asking for advice...I'm just letting things out, because I cannot speak about this even with my friends. And no, I'm not trying to be noble or a martyr...that would be ridiculous. But simply, I'm gonna let this relationship fade away with less harm and less pain for him. Some truths harm rather than heal. I don't want him to distrust other women in his life just because of what I did. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Yeah, right........whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Update: My bf is very sick right now. He is being taken care of his mom. More info about my bf - he has introduced me to his friends (who he has told me cheat all the time with their gfs) - but he won't introduce me to his family although he had opportunities to do so. He is Punjabi Sikh and although their family is not traditional, they are expected to marry within their culture and religion. He has kissed another girl in front of me. And a "girl friend" sat on his lap while I was dancing with his friend. We were all drunk. He was very sorry and I think the surge of affection he gave me this past 4 weeks is because of that incident. He is a wonderful man though. Treats me right, listens to me, is interested genuinely to know me and where I come from. ************************ My ex called me in the wee hours of the morning. He wanted me to come over and sleep with him. Just to sleep, he clarified. Ex: "It would be nice to hold you in my arms." Me: "No. Not a good idea, and you know this." Ex: "Because you're in love with me?" Me: "No." Ex: "No means yes." I didn't come over. My ex has been trying to break me and my bf up, I see that now. I thought that he was genuinely trying to look out for me, but remembering our past conversations, where my ex said, "You are not in love with him," "You are making a mistake," "I still feel the same for you," "He will cheat on you," "He is not wonderful" ............and I would end up hysterical and crying and would wanna break up with my bf. But somehow my bf would always manage to convince me that everything will be alright. ************* I am constantly reading your posts. I cannot respond yet. You think I'm a bad person. All bad. And somehow, because I know myself and what I have been through, I don't believe I'm all bad. Just going through the toughest and the lowest period in my life. after all that irrelevant updating, *sigh*...I'll ask again. When are you going to set your bf free and break up with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Thank you boldjack. I am not asking for advice...I'm just letting things out, because I cannot speak about this even with my friends. really, thats all you are doing? Ok then, I'd like to find out if someone other than OP can request a thread be closed. And nobody else really needs to respond to this thread. But simply, I'm gonna let this relationship fade away with less harm and less pain for him. Some truths harm rather than heal. I don't want him to distrust other women in his life just because of what I did. nuff said......can this thread be closed? Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 no point in continuing with this. Just break up with your BF, otherwise your bf will be on here in ten years talking about how he just found out his wife cheated on him when you two first got together. Yes your bf will find out one day and that will kill him. Break up with the guy before he invest anymore time in you. and no you are not a good person. Good people put others first Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 It's funny how people think they can force decisions on you. I'm weighing things down, and of course, your advice is valuable. But please let me make my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Skump Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I can hardly believe I'm saying this... but given this guy's religious background, it might be better just to break this off quickly and decisively, but without a full disclosure. Somehow I think that jaundicing this guy's view of women in general may be a bad idea. Make it clear that you've realized that you're too emotionally screwed-up and immature to pursue any relationship for the foreseeable future. Then end it for good. Immediate zero contact policy. If you were married, I would come down differently on this, but something in my gut makes the think that the greater good won't be served by revealing all of the gory details. He'll be confused and hurt if you leave this way... but he already knows you're sort of screwed up, so it won't be totally unexpected. By contrast, he may hate you if you reveal that betrayal, and some of that hate would likely rub off on women in general. Note that my advice only applies if you choose to immediately end the relationship, however. And for God's sake, if you have an ounce of self-respect, ditch that POS skanky ex and get some help. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 It's funny how people think they can force decisions on you. stating opinions of what one thinks you should do is not forcing anything on you.....get real. its obvious you aren't going to do right by your bf and he deserves better. So all we can say is, if you keep lying to him and stay with him.....he has my sympathies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 ^But you want this thread closed because I won't take the majorities' advice? I just spent time with my ex, and he tried to disclose single thing he did when he was cheating. I felt horrible. I felt disgusted with him. I had zero respect for him before, now it's in the negatives. He wanted to tell me more, because I guess he was relieving his guilt, but it did more good to him than to me. I had to stop him. I feel so much anger towards him now, and this happened way back in January. I am going NC on him. Ugh really there are things that are better left unsaid. I have sooo much love for my bf, even more now than ever before. I have done a horrible mistake and I know for sure the truth will devastate him. He is a very emotional guy, as you can see through his text. He will neve know the truth. I am determined to redeem myself in another way, and I'm going to fight for this relationship, because I deserve to be with a good person. My ex finally admitted trying to sabotage my relationship with my bf. I told him, "You should be happy for me." But he is selfish and doesn't want to see me happy. This is actually what led him to spill everything about his cheating, details I could have done without. Then he proceeded to tell me that my bf is cheating on me (my ex has been sick and I haven't seen him for close to 3 weeks). His stupid confession just completely ruined any chance of continued friendship- I'm not even sad to say goodbye to him I just want to get rid of him in my life. Anyways, after the drama that I went through with my ex, I think I deserve to be with my bf, who is a good person, and hopefully because I got rid of the negative influence, things will be different. I'm still not a believer of total disclosure here, and i know what I'm talking about. Those who cheated don't really know the impact of total disclosure to the betrayed person. It is sooooo unnecessary. Just cut contact and go away, no need to tell the betrayed person how the affair partner got away from being discovered by going through a window. Link to post Share on other sites
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