I was cheated on, now I'm the cheater =(

[Odyssey]

You already made your decision, so I'm not gonna add to the banter

 

In terms of your ex: you were looking to escape the 4yr relationship (why?), he sensed it and so cheated on you!

 

About the guy you're dating (it doesn't really matter what you call it, since you only been with him for like several weeks, right? And haven't agreed on exclusivity): I don't think you gave yourself enough alone time to get over your ex and reflect on the relationship.

 

In closing i'm gonna leave you with your own advice [6 oct 2009]...

Guys, do not seek a relationship soon after a break-up. It's difficult to have stable one unless you have resolved the issues in your life, whether it's related to the break-up or some other existing issue.

 

I repeat, get yourself situated first!

Edited October 14, 2009 by Odyssey

[Phateless]

I don't mind having different points of view. It's just that I've been repeating what I've been saying since I started this thread.

 

And people are determined to make me change my decision. I will not.

 

Agreed.

 

To follow up on what Dreamer said, I think it's all about deciding one way or the other. Either you are exclusive or you're not exclusive, there really isn't an in-between, although I understand how it can feel that way.

 

If he's uncomfortable with the bf/gf title, then it's not exclusive and it's open and you have nothing to feel guilty about, and there is no reason to tell him because you didn't cheat and it's none of his F-ing business.

 

If you guys have agreed (mutually, and explicitly) on being exclusive, then yes, you have cheated, and it's your call on whether or not to tell him. On the one hand it might force him to reevaluate his resistance to giving you the title. On the other hand, it might freak him out even more. If I were him, I would probably want to know so you guys can discuss what this means. As I said, it could be the wake-up call he needs. If he doesn't want to call you his gf, he has no right to expect you to act like one.

 

Go with your gut on this one. It sounds like you want to stay with this guy and be with him long-term. What do your instincts tell you?

[fabulous_chk]

This is what does not make sense in this thread:

 

OP gets validation from people about not telling the guy because there is no commitment. And she goes with that. Then she switches it up to "I don't want to tell him because he cares about me so much and he'd be devastated. Then someone mentions that he could be 'seeing' other girls. OP says she's been thinking that... but then goes back to 'but he cares about me so much'.

 

OP goes with whatever statement says she shouldn't tell. To me that says she's not real worried about hurting him, she's more worried about having to come clean.

 

You are determined to demonize me. My feelings for him is not unlike a Mom protecting her child. I want to cushion all the edges so he doesn't get hurt. I made the stupidest decision in my life - why make somebody else pay for it.

 

You are expecting too much on a two month relationship. There was no definition on my lover and I's relationship. We are basically just getting to know each other. But we have strong feelings for each other, very strong attraction. He would say I love you to me in a shocked voice, like he cannot believe it's coming out of his mouth. Do you understand what I mean? He feels strange about this. He has told me over and over again how weird it is for him, this thing we have. It's a struggle for both of us.

 

Nothing is clear-cut in this world. I wish it was so. Black and white, right and wrong, committed and uncommitted. Wouldn't life be easier?

[lkjh]

Sigh. I'm tired of repeating this. I do not want him to suffer and undergo depression like me.

 

I do not want him to lose his motivation, his job, his trust in women, his sanity because of my stupidity.

 

Simple as that.

 

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

If you are talking about your bf you got a funny way of not trying to ruin his trust in women. Just dump him and stop feeding your ego

[batinhell66]

Wow. I've read the whole thread since I'm at work and there's absolutely nothing else interesting to do.

 

Let's see: You're seeing a guy for two months who doesn't claim to be your boyfriend but your "lover" because he still hasn't made his mind if you are indeed his girlfriend, and you slept with your ex twice early on in the relationship with your current boyfriend. You don't want to tell your current boyfriend-lover-thing what you did, and you might leave him because the guilt is killing you but you love him. Is that right?

 

I don't know if you are going to stay with him or not, or whether things have changed or if he still wants to be ambiguous with his definition of you. I can say that if you stay and the relationship does become serious, you might tell him regardless.

 

I was in a similar situation where during the early stages of dating, I actually overlapped another guy with my current boyfriend. I think it happens a lot in less serious dating. Long story short, I ended up doing a little bit of partying one night with him and confessed that on an illegal substance. I didn't think that was a big deal, but he completely freaked out and added it to the constant baggage weighing down our relationship camel (cute metaphor, huh). It was pretty much, "You had sex with him? He has a girlfriend! In the beginning? Of US? And what about *insert standard name*? HIM TOO? During the first "break" we had? When I broke up with you and yet continued to see you after?" And so forth. He was furious and sad and it broke his heart for a while.

 

Did he continue to see me? Yes. Was it the right decision to make for me? Yeah. Was there a huge difference in how I saw it and how he did? Definitely. Lots of trust issues after that? You bet your ass.

 

That being said, I understand your decision not to tell your wayward lover/commitment phobic "friend" about what you did. Usually when the relationship progresses or it becomes a little more serious do you end up eventually telling him...or not. Whether you do is up to you and how you perceive the future with him. I'm sure you know that a solid future means solid trust and getting rid of bad **** now can open up the possibility for improvement, but it's only if YOU feel that you can have a viable future together.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure if you know for sure where the boundaries are at now, considering you had sex with the ex and he made out with some chick in front of you. I say, just take a breath. See how things feel with him and maybe, if you value him so much, then probably you'll say something about both things as you see fit. I'm sure you just need to communicate and see where you both stand first. Good luck. You seem sincere.

 

Also, on a side note, I've noticed that men put a lot of value into sex. Usually if a woman cheats, explains it to her man, and says "I love him", he will probably jump to "Did you **** him?" like in the movie Closer and become obsessed with that. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but my boyfriend swears up and down that it's true.

[fabulous_chk]

If you are talking about your bf you got a funny way of not trying to ruin his trust in women. Just dump him and stop feeding your ego

 

 

If you don't know the backstory you cannot understand the circumstances I was in. I have no ego left to feed lol.

[fabulous_chk]

Go with your gut on this one. It sounds like you want to stay with this guy and be with him long-term. What do your instincts tell you?

 

I do. But it's all messy right now. Can't I just put him on a shelf and take him out when I'm ready? When he's ready? NC for six months then meet up again, like in a movie?

 

Our personalities match.

 

In contrast to my past relationship, this time I'm actually am allowed to have an opinion!

 

I'm always singing around him, always happy. I have never once sung in front of my ex since he always made fun of me.

 

I am wild and unconventional, but he loves that side of me.

 

We are both very social, we love being around people. I have become a social butterfly since my break-up, I have many, many group of friends, old and new, and he understands this because he is the same.

 

He doesn't mind my displays of affection. He laps it up.

 

We are both mischievous, both ambitious, we come from stable family backgrounds. Our sense of humour is the same...it's a kind gentle humor as opposed to my ex's which is always sarcastic.

 

In short, when I'm around him, I feel like the best version of myself.

 

When I'm with my ex, I feel like the worst version of myself.

 

However, things are murky at the moment.

 

My gut instinct is to wait and be patient. Resolve my own issues. Let him be for now. And hope for the best.

[fabulous_chk]

Wow. I've read the whole thread since I'm at work and there's absolutely nothing else interesting to do.

 

Let's see: You're seeing a guy for two months who doesn't claim to be your boyfriend but your "lover" because he still hasn't made his mind if you are indeed his girlfriend, and you slept with your ex twice early on in the relationship with your current boyfriend. You don't want to tell your current boyfriend-lover-thing what you did, and you might leave him because the guilt is killing you but you love him. Is that right?

 

I don't know if you are going to stay with him or not, or whether things have changed or if he still wants to be ambiguous with his definition of you. I can say that if you stay and the relationship does become serious, you might tell him regardless.

 

I was in a similar situation where during the early stages of dating, I actually overlapped another guy with my current boyfriend. I think it happens a lot in less serious dating. Long story short, I ended up doing a little bit of partying one night with him and confessed that on an illegal substance. I didn't think that was a big deal, but he completely freaked out and added it to the constant baggage weighing down our relationship camel (cute metaphor, huh). It was pretty much, "You had sex with him? He has a girlfriend! In the beginning? Of US? And what about *insert standard name*? HIM TOO? During the first "break" we had? When I broke up with you and yet continued to see you after?" And so forth. He was furious and sad and it broke his heart for a while.

 

Did he continue to see me? Yes. Was it the right decision to make for me? Yeah. Was there a huge difference in how I saw it and how he did? Definitely. Lots of trust issues after that? You bet your ass.

 

That being said, I understand your decision not to tell your wayward lover/commitment phobic "friend" about what you did. Usually when the relationship progresses or it becomes a little more serious do you end up eventually telling him...or not. Whether you do is up to you and how you perceive the future with him. I'm sure you know that a solid future means solid trust and getting rid of bad **** now can open up the possibility for improvement, but it's only if YOU feel that you can have a viable future together.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure if you know for sure where the boundaries are at now, considering you had sex with the ex and he made out with some chick in front of you. I say, just take a breath. See how things feel with him and maybe, if you value him so much, then probably you'll say something about both things as you see fit. I'm sure you just need to communicate and see where you both stand first. Good luck. You seem sincere.

 

Also, on a side note, I've noticed that men put a lot of value into sex. Usually if a woman cheats, explains it to her man, and says "I love him", he will probably jump to "Did you **** him?" like in the movie Closer and become obsessed with that. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but my boyfriend swears up and down that it's true.

 

 

Ah, finally, someone who was in a similar situation. Thank you. Your advice is very valuable to me.

[carhill]

Also, on a side note, I've noticed that men put a lot of value into sex. Usually if a woman cheats, explains it to her man, and says "I love him", he will probably jump to "Did you **** him?" like in the movie Closer and become obsessed with that. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but my boyfriend swears up and down that it's true.

Your BF and nearly every single, involved and married male on LS

 

The single most focused complaint female friends have brought to me are suspicions of their 'man' cheating on them, regardless of whether it's an EA or PA. So, IME, equal concern and attention.

 

Personally, I value a woman being upfront about such matters. If she's polyamorous, let me know. If she's still under the 'spell' of an ex, likewise. It's not anything to be embarrassed about or feel shameful about. It's a preference/situation. Some women here won't date separated or recently divorced men. If one of them asked me (and, yes, some LS women have asked me), I would and have responded honestly. Neutral event. It ain't rocket science, that is, unless someone has an agenda, which is what I think is riling some folks up. Not me. Karma takes care of everyone.

[Phateless]

To me, it's very simple. If your relationship is defined as exclusive, you're monogamous and hooking up with someone else is cheating. If the relationship is undefined, then you're off the hook.

 

Until you declare yourselves exclusive, there is no accountability, ON EITHER END.

[carhill]

I don't remember my wife and I signing that contract prior to getting married (the vows). Do you have this agreement to exclusivity in writing so I might be able to peruse it?

 

I ask because I have not known one single woman who could not twist her words or my own to suit her purposes. I'm sure the reverse is true as well.

 

"I don't remember ever saying we were exclusive"

 

"I did not have sex with that woman"

 

Bill

[dreamergrl]

I do. But it's all messy right now. Can't I just put him on a shelf and take him out when I'm ready? When he's ready? NC for six months then meet up again, like in a movie?

 

However, things are murky at the moment.

 

My gut instinct is to wait and be patient. Resolve my own issues. Let him be for now. And hope for the best.

 

Like I said earlier. You don't want to tell him because you don't want to let go of him. He wont know himself whether he's ready because he wont know the whole truth. It will be based on deception. He wont know why you wanted to take a break. And he if he wants anything to do with you, he wont know all the information to make that choice.

 

People are not toys. You can't play with them, and put them away as needed.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. It's what you do about those mistakes that make a difference.

 

You wont even give him the chance to tell you if he wants to know why you don't want to see him for a while. You want to be in control of what happens. You don't want to let the choice be up to him.

[dreamergrl]

Ah, finally, someone who was in a similar situation. Thank you. Your advice is very valuable to me.

 

Did you catch the part where they were HONEST?

[fabulous_chk]

Thank you dreamergrl. Yes I read it.

[fabulous_chk]

Yesterday as I got really pissed off at myself for being so easily manipulated by my ex, I finally told him: "I do not want or need you in my life. Goodbye and have a nice life."

 

 

He said, "Okay."

 

 

Then 20 minutes later texted me: "My brother is in jail."

 

 

This is the kind of manipulator I'm dealing with. "I'm depressed," "I wanna kill myself," "I'm so alone," "You're the only one who saves me," "You're my only friend in the world," "Sparky (our dog) misses his mommy," etc, etc, etc.

 

 

This is my ex.

 

He will say basically anything to pull me back in his life.

 

 

But I'm done with him this time.

 

 

I did not respond. I feel bad - because his family was my family the past four years - but this has been a cycle and I feel like I can never get rid of him if I keep coming to the rescue.

[fabulous_chk]

Like I said earlier. You don't want to tell him because you don't want to let go of him.

 

 

dreamergrl, i've lost a 4 year committed relationship. what is a 2 month undefined relationship compared to that?

 

i am physically attractive. i have no trouble getting male and female attention. i'm not that desperate for him. he can say goodbye to me right now, and i promise you i will not be without a companion for long.

 

 

but like I said A HUNDRED TIMES in this thread, I want him to be okay after I'm gone from his life. I really hate repeating myself UGH.

 

I've had so many losses this year, dreamergrl. I'm actually used to it. I actually expect it. What's one more?

 

 

Don't demonize me. I am not an evil person. I have no evil plans. I'm stupid yes. Made a bad decision, yes. But I'm not evil.

 

 

I know this is something cheaters would agree with ...it was like stepping outide your body and watching from afar. I was numb the entire time. I had no thoughts nor emotions. I was passively observing. While he was having sex with me, I remember listening to the wind outside.

 

Sigh. I guess I will post an update 6 months from now. We'll see what happens.

[dreamergrl]

dreamergrl, i've lost a 4 year committed relationship. what is a 2 month undefined relationship compared to that?

 

i am physically attractive. i have no trouble getting male and female attention. i'm not that desperate for him. he can say goodbye to me right now, and i promise you i will not be without a companion for long.

 

 

but like I said A HUNDRED TIMES in this thread, I want him to be okay after I'm gone from his life. I really hate repeating myself UGH.

 

I've had so many losses this year, dreamergrl. I'm actually used to it. I actually expect it. What's one more?

 

 

Don't demonize me. I am not an evil person. I have no evil plans. I'm stupid yes. Made a bad decision, yes. But I'm not evil.

 

 

I know this is something cheaters would agree with ...it was like stepping outide your body and watching from afar. I was numb the entire time. I had no thoughts nor emotions. I was passively observing. While he was having sex with me, I remember listening to the wind outside.

 

Sigh. I guess I will post an update 6 months from now. We'll see what happens.

 

You straight out said that you want to see him in 6 months. So you admit you don't want to just move on. If you plan on having him in your life you should be honest with him.

 

You act like you had no control over yourself. It is not as if you told him no and tried to get him to stop having sex with you.

 

No one called you evil, but don't play victim for something YOU did wrong.

 

You can twist it to how you want, but you are only cushioning it for yourself. Like you said ... you want to put him on the shelf until you are ready.

[Lishy]

I totally get you for some reason Fab, I know where you are coming from and I agree you should say nothing. You dont need to keep justifying yourself, you know what you are going to do so just do it and be cool with it!

 

I am not in any way saying its ok to cheat what I am saying is that he was not your long term solid boyfriend and he himself is unsure of what he wants so you just carry on like normal now, get rid of your ex and move on!

 

Just dont ever cheat again ok?

 

x

Edited October 15, 2009 by Lishy

[Kamille]

I did not respond. I feel bad - because his family was my family the past four years - but this has been a cycle and I feel like I can never get rid of him if I keep coming to the rescue.

 

Good! You don't owe your ex, his brother or his family anything. His brother is in jail? Well, you know what, those are the consequences of his brother's action, and as far as I know, there is nothing you can actually do about it, other then being roped back into some emotional dark space.

 

You ex is an adult. He can take care of himself. In fact, it sounds like he knows how to care of himself, but will use any opportunity for emotional manipulation. Stop responding to it. I'm sure it's hard at first and you likely feel turmoil over it, but it will get easier. You need to do this for your sake.

 

As for the rest, I agree with Lishy. You've made your decision. You had made it from the first post here. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone here. As long as your priority is setting yourself right and getting yourself to a good space. This might lead you to choose, later on, to be honest with your lover. But for now, you've decided not to, and we should respect that.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't like drama.

 

Thing is, my bf really is interested in me.

 

thats because he doesn't know you screwed your X twice.

 

Tell him and if he is still interested in you, then its all good.

 

 

He satisfies me in bed. The world stops when we are together.

 

yet you still boffed your X twice behind your bf's back:confused:

 

 

In this relationship, he has done everything to make me happy. He always asks me: "Are you okay baby?"

 

yup, a good man who is getting s##t all over...and he doesn't even know it. and women wonder why they can't find a good man.

 

 

But we know basically nothing about each other yet. All we have right now is superficial and fun. We go clubbing every weekend, we get drunk, we have sex.

 

ok, so is this a justification for cheating on him and still being "confused" about your X? Because you don't know everything about one another???

 

 

Yet there are very strong feelings between us. He is fighting this relationship too. Fighting against it. A very good-looking 25 year old man who lives in downtown Manhattan and works at Wall St. He is surrounded by model-like girls all the time. Why would he want a gf to restrain him?

 

ok, you say he is interested in you, makes you happy, is a wonderful man...then you come back with this.

 

I think you are just trying to find something to excuse your behavior with your X.

 

you are bouncing all over the place with regards to your bf's true nature.

[Dexter Morgan]

I agree not to tell him

 

not to tell him if she breaks up? I can go with that if this is what you are saying.

 

 

but not to tell him even if she wants to keep him? I call bs on that one. She is withholding information from him for her own selfish desires at that point. And if she thinks her X wouldn't try to contact him and tell her bf that he was able to bang her behing his back....she needs to rethink that.

 

I say, if FC decides to break up with bf, then it really doesn't matter because at least breaking up with him and setting him free from her is good enough (even though he won't know why she is breaking up and would probably beg her back like a puppy dog)

 

But if she decides to stay with him...she OWES HIM honestly. Otherwise, there is no relationship and her disrespect for him is obvious.

[Dexter Morgan]

Then I immediately called and told my "lover" that we are not bf/gf any longer...and he agreed. He says he doesn't care about the label as long as we still see each other. We are "lovers."

 

thats good. he still doesn't know why, but as long as he is spared somehow, its better than nothing.

 

 

As boldjack and D_M know, I don't believe in full disclosure. I don't give a d*amn about reclaiming integrity and all that, I just don't want my love to be hurt.

 

he aint much of a "love" if you banged an X twice:o

 

and you don't believe in full disclosure because you don't have the guts to come clean. not because you don't want to hurt him. If you didn't want to hurt him, you wouldn't have had X sex behind his back (although you are probably of the mindset of "I'm going to get mine, and whatever he doesn't know won't hurt him"

 

but I digress...you basically broke up with your bf.......thats good. He is free.

[dreamergrl]

thats because he doesn't know you screwed your X twice.

 

Tell him and if he is still interested in you, then its all good.

 

She wont. She already admitted she wants to keep him. She hasn't gone NC on him. She is making the choice for him, and he doesn't even know it. But yet.... one minute she gushes about how wonderful he is, then says he might be seeing other girls (agreeing with another poster), then says it's okay because it was like she wasn't even there when she cheated... I mean seriously?!?

 

I mean, who says "can't I put him on the shelf until I'm ready?" He can't make a sound choice without knowing the whole story.

 

Lies have a way of coming out. The longer you wait to tell him, the worse it will be.

 

I truly hope this guy can move on and find someone who will be honest with him.

[Dexter Morgan]

She wont. She already admitted she wants to keep him.

 

actually, just read, and she is breaking off with him with regards to the bf/gf "label".

 

She is all over the place. tomorrow she could change her mind again.

 

 

 

Lies have a way of coming out. The longer you wait to tell him, the worse it will be.

 

if she decides to keep him after saying they are no longer bf/gf...then I agree with the above.

 

I found out 8 years later. And when people get away with cheating, they know they can get away with it later and more than likely will cheat again if the perfect opportunity arose where they think their SO will never find out.

 

 

I truly hope this guy can move on and find someone who will be honest with him.

 

me too

[dreamergrl]

actually, just read, and she is breaking off with him with regards to the bf/gf "label".

 

She is all over the place. tomorrow she could change her mind again.

 

She wants to put him on the shelf until she's ready. She has no intention on breaking up with him. And the poor guy has no choice, because he wont know.

 

 

if she decides to keep him after saying they are no longer bf/gf...then I agree with the above.

 

I found out 8 years later. And when people get away with cheating, they know they can get away with it later and more than likely will cheat again if the perfect opportunity arose where they think their SO will never find out.

 

This is why I stressed it is important not just for the guy to know, but for OP to come clean. History has a way of repeating itself.