Am I obligated to sex with overweight husband?

[Fun2BMe]

What about liposuction?

[worriedsick]

She has ALREADY reproduced with him so she is not trying to shape him into a skinny dude to reproduce with as your theory above states, nor does she bring up a concern for his health.

 

Yes, I do have concern for his health - his cholesterol is already high, and I have brought this up with him. I would like him to be around for awhile, as I am sure our child would like as well. I tried and tried and tried to be subtle and supportive and nice, and when that didn't work, we ended up having a gigantic fight one day when I yet again turned him away for sex. It was only after he started screaming at me that I finally told him how I truly felt. Were the tables turned, I would want him to tell me that my fatness was unattractive to him so I could fix it, not just continually turn me away.

[a4a]

I don't think having sex in the dark will solve it... you should feel attracted to your spouse even when they have their clothing on.

 

As for already reproducing..... that would mean that there is no need for him to shower, comb his hair, or anything else to be attractive to his spouse either because he already reproduced with her?????

[worriedsick]

What about liposuction?

 

Before they will give you liposuction, they require you to work out and lose as much of the weight as possible. There is no way that the lipo would take away all of that fat anyway. He would still have to change his diet and work out. I am so tired of people saying that they are going to get gastric bypass or lipo instead of getting their asses off the couch. Those should be last resorts for when you have actually made an attempt to lose the weight, not just the easy way out. If you don't change your lifestyle, you'll just get fat again anyway.

[MrsHellFire]

Btw, mike, there are very few cultures that actually view the breast as a sex organ... meaning there are many cultures where the man doesn't obsess over it or even touch breasts during sex.. it has no meaning for arousal... THAT is how much MEDIA AND CULTURE HAS INFLUENCED YOU!

[Fun2BMe]

I don't think having sex in the dark will solve it... you should feel attracted to your spouse even when they have their clothing on.

If you love someone unconditionally then you will feel attraction regardless of weight so the lights on or off wouldn't make a difference. In this case it is conditional based on weight so yes she has to get him to deal with his weight. Again, I think liposuction would be the best solution seeing how hard it is for him to lose the weight. Maybe his health insurance would cover it too since it is not taking a little off his thighs for cosmetic reasons.

 

As for already reproducing..... that would mean that there is no need for him to shower, comb his hair, or anything else to be attractive to his spouse either because he already reproduced with her?????

You missed my point. I was saying that if his theory was correct that she would want him to lose weight because that's what people what in someone to reproduce with, my point was that in that case she wouldn't care that he had gained weight because she had already reproduced with him.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, so I was the Original Poster. For some reason, I was too scared to use my real profile name because I knew the Hell I was going to catch for my feelings. However, I'm tired of my posts not getting put up until way late everytime I sign in as Guest.

 

Yes, that is exactly how I feel. I have paid my dues and done my damndest to make this marriage work - I forgave his cheating and took him back, not to mention a lot of other s*** he has done that has made our marriage difficult. He even told me when I was pregnant that he expected me to get back into shape after the baby was born. When I called him on it recently when we had "the discussion" regarding his weight, he said he was just joking. Bulls***!! There is a grain of truth to every joke. If I ballooned up and turned into a fat pig, I guarantee he would not want me nearly as much. But, I did lose all the weight and am actually in better shape than before. If he really wants to be with me, then my damn opinion and feelings should count for nothing. Yes, we did say "For better or worse", but that wasn't permission to turn into a lazy bastard who does nothing and expects me to be his house bitch. I don't mind doing all of the work around the house, really, and I don't have an aversion to sex. I just want my feelings to be taken into consideration. I want him to still want to impress me the way I still want to impress him. That's all.

 

Look, do you love this man? Then fight hard (in a good way) to get things good again. Be active - TAKE him to his Dr and help him get on diet. If you want life to be better, start being pro-active. His health is at risk too, because of his weight.

 

I understand your frustration, but when someone is depressed (he needs to be assessed by his DR) it's very hard to get up and DO. Hope that makes sense.

 

I think too, he hasn't forgiven himself for cheating on you. So, head back to marriage counselling. You two need to learn how to listen, and understand eachother.

 

IF he isn't willing to do any of the legwork, then there are alot more problems to this marriage...But, I think (I hope!)with some TLC and encouragment, he'll go to counselling with you. And start to make the effort of losing weight. Not only for you -BUT for himself.

[Fun2BMe]

In a way, it is a lose-lose situation. He thinks if you loved him, you would overlook his weight. You think if he cared for your feelings enough, he would go through the trouble to lose the weight.

 

I do think it is unfair that he 'jokingly' said you should better lose your weight after your pregnancy, then turns around and gains weight himself that he won't lose.

[worriedsick]

Look, do you love this man? Then fight hard (in a good way) to get things good again. Be active - TAKE him to his Dr and help him get on diet. If you want life to be better, start being pro-active. His health is at risk too, because of his weight.

 

I understand your frustration, but when someone is depressed (he needs to be assessed by his DR) it's very hard to get up and DO. Hope that makes sense.

 

I think too, he hasn't forgiven himself for cheating on you. So, head back to marriage counselling. You two need to learn how to listen, and understand eachother.

 

IF he isn't willing to do any of the legwork, then there are alot more problems to this marriage...But, I think (I hope!)with some TLC and encouragment, he'll go to counselling with you. And start to make the effort of losing weight. Not only for you -BUT for himself.

 

I know everyone wants to say he is depressed - but I don't think he is. He is generally a very happy guy and gets along well with everyone but me, it seems. I try to talk to him about if he has any problems, and he says that there is nothing wrong in our marriage and that I am just looking for problems. I disagree - I understand there is a lot of history with us, a lot of it crappy, but I don't try to create problems. I would love for us to be able to have a happy, normal relationship, and have sex like we used to. He gripes about his weight like the more complaining he does, the more pounds that will melt off or something. He has a gym membership and as I have stated before, I cook healthy foods, got rid of the junk food, etc, and nothing is helping. I honestly think he just doesn't care that much about how he looks anymore and has resigned himself to being fat. Unfortunately, I can't resign myself to it and I have a major issue. I understand also that this may be a manifestation of my anger for what he did in the past, and that it may not fix it if he loses the weight, but part of me thinks it would. I hate the attitude of "Well, I have you now, so I don't have to impress you anymore". It that attitude holds true, then I will stop shaving my legs and armpits, stop getting my hair done, stop putting on makeup, and wear raggedy ass sweat pants and granny panties all the time, cuz "he's stuck with me now".

[michelangelo]

It's about not liking anything about the man now that your illusions about him are gone post-affair.

 

You might have tolerated his weight gain if not for all his other weaknesses.

 

It's the icing on the cake, so to speak.

[a4a]

If you love someone unconditionally then you will feel attraction regardless of weight so the lights on or off wouldn't make a difference. .

 

It is not possible to love a person unconditionally if they hold you to conditions such as the OP's H has..... she should lose weight.......

 

Unconditional love is a rare rare thing and usually reserved for parent child relationships if ever.

 

I will love you no matter what you do or what you become is a pretty high mountain to climb.

 

Could you spout off about the need to use unconditional love for one that abuses, cheats, or takes no interest in a spouse....... ??

 

He ignores me, he is selfish, he is inconsiderate.... yet I love him unconditionally.

 

You are with a person because the way they make you feel or what they add to your life. When a person starts to be a negative aspect which out weighs the positive unconditional love BS goes right out the window. Hell plain old love goes right out the window. Unless of course you get something from neg. influences in your life to satisfy a need you may not be aware of.

[Ladyjane14]

Wow... Now I understand more about what you're going through, WorriedSick.

 

I read through some of your earlier posts. What kind of resolution have you had on him posting profiles on adult sites? Have you had any counseling together? Is he living his life as an 'open book' and giving you the reassurance you need?

[MrsHellFire]

"Well, I have you now, so I don't have to impress you anymore". It that attitude holds true, then I will stop shaving my legs and armpits, stop getting my hair done, stop putting on makeup, and wear raggedy ass sweat pants and granny panties all the time, cuz "he's stuck with me now".

 

LOL. Why don't you try that for a week or two and we'll see if he's a hypocrite. Give him a taste of medicine if you think he is a just a lazy jerk. I mean, I just wonder what his story is. Seems like there are several people posting on this thread with the same problem, so it's confusing. Are you the original guest?

[a4a]

Like I said without reading past threads....... this guy is a selfish inconsiderate ass........ fat or not.

[reservoirdog1]

all the fatties think it's shallow, and all the non-fatties think fat is ugly...

 

I've battled pudginess all my life (I'm in the middle of doing something about it, but it's a work in progress), and I totally understand where worriedsick is coming from.

 

Yes, it's shallow. But human beings are, in part, shallow creatures. There's a pervasive attitude -- which I too have been guilty of in the past -- that, once we've snagged a partner, that's it. Job done, what we look like from that point on doesn't matter, we can let our appearance go to hell, they'll love us unconditionally.

 

That attitude all to often leads to lack of attraction, resentment, a declining sex life, and divorce.

 

Keeping a relationship going takes work, and that means working on oneself as well -- physically, mentally, financially, emotionally. The key is to make the work less like "labour" -- and who knows, maybe even to make it fun.

[worriedsick]

"Well, I have you now, so I don't have to impress you anymore". It that attitude holds true, then I will stop shaving my legs and armpits, stop getting my hair done, stop putting on makeup, and wear raggedy ass sweat pants and granny panties all the time, cuz "he's stuck with me now".

 

LOL. Why don't you try that for a week or two and we'll see if he's a hypocrite. Give him a taste of medicine if you think he is a just a lazy jerk. I mean, I just wonder what his story is. Seems like there are several people posting on this thread with the same problem, so it's confusing. Are you the original guest?

 

Yes, I am the original OP. For some reason, I was too afraid to post using my screenname. Probably because I knew all the hell I would catch and how people would think I was just a mean bitch, which I am not.

[Fun2BMe]

I hate the attitude of "Well, I have you now, so I don't have to impress you anymore". It that attitude holds true, then I will stop shaving my legs and armpits, stop getting my hair done, stop putting on makeup, and wear raggedy ass sweat pants and granny panties all the time, cuz "he's stuck with me now".

You have to do those things because it makes you feel better about yourself and not to please him otherwise there is no unconditional love. I was in a very loving longterm relationship once. In the beginning my bf thought I would look very nice and kept for him. He wanted to prove to me that he loved me even if I didn't look all hot. He would say it's ok if I felt more comfortable in granny panties and didn't get my nails and hair done every week. I told him I would feel yucky if I didn't and it is not done in an effort to win his heart. I guess we all live by different standards and accept different things from our partners. I would want to know partner well enough before tying the knot if gaining weight or "letting go" would end the relationship or sex life. I wouldn't even want to date someone who was with me for how I looked. I understand that you can't help it. I think these things should be discussed before it gets to the point of happening so that it is only fair. Now there is also a kid involved and it's surprising how people get married without really knowing their partner.

[Fun2BMe]

or vows should be edited to include in addition to "in sickness and in health" - "in fatness and in thinness" if that is a dealbreaker to you.

[worriedsick]

You have to do those things because it makes you feel better about yourself and not to please him otherwise there is no unconditional love. I was in a very loving longterm relationship once. In the beginning my bf thought I would look very nice and kept for him. He wanted to prove to me that he loved me even if I didn't look all hot. He would say it's ok if I felt more comfortable in granny panties and didn't get my nails and hair done every week. I told him I would feel yucky if I didn't and it is not done in an effort to win his heart. I guess we all live by different standards and accept different things from our partners. I would want to know partner well enough before tying the knot if gaining weight or "letting go" would end the relationship or sex life. I wouldn't even want to date someone who was with me for how I looked. I understand that you can't help it. I think these things should be discussed before it gets to the point of happening so that it is only fair. Now there is also a kid involved and it's surprising how people get married without really knowing their partner.

 

I'm positive I'll catch hell for this as well, but he knew how I felt about appearance when we got married. Obesity is a problem in America that has always bothered me - people try to blame their weight problems on other issues, such as fast food, stress, etc. Nine times out of 10, though, it is usually just people being lazy. I understand for some people, staying in shape is a constant battle. However, does that mean one should just give up and end up like that guy who weighed 1000 lbs and had to be cut out of his house? I think not. I think you control yourself and do what you need to do to stay healthy and take responsibility for yourself, not blame your weight gain on other sources. He knew I felt that way before we got married, and I told him even before he started gaining weight how much it disgusts me when people let themselves go and do nothing about it. Therefore, my feelings shouldn't come as a huge surprise to me. The thing that kills me is we'll be out and see a fat girl or something, and he'll make a comment like "Look at that big fat ass" or something along those lines. I have started just looking at him and saying "And you're one to talk?" I know, it sounds hateful. But I am at my wits end and tired of being all nicey nicey about it.

[Fun2BMe]

I'm positive I'll catch hell for this as well, but he knew how I felt about appearance when we got married. Obesity is a problem in America that has always bothered me - people try to blame their weight problems on other issues, such as fast food, stress, etc. Nine times out of 10, though, it is usually just people being lazy. I understand for some people, staying in shape is a constant battle. However, does that mean one should just give up and end up like that guy who weighed 1000 lbs and had to be cut out of his house? I think not. I think you control yourself and do what you need to do to stay healthy and take responsibility for yourself, not blame your weight gain on other sources. He knew I felt that way before we got married, and I told him even before he started gaining weight how much it disgusts me when people let themselves go and do nothing about it. Therefore, my feelings shouldn't come as a huge surprise to me. The thing that kills me is we'll be out and see a fat girl or something, and he'll make a comment like "Look at that big fat ass" or something along those lines. I have started just looking at him and saying "And you're one to talk?" I know, it sounds hateful. But I am at my wits end and tired of being all nicey nicey about it.

Since you had already informed him of what the deal was and now he has broken it, then you have a right to be upset. If he is shallow too and treats others how he doesn't want to be treated, then that is wrong of him. That would bug the crap out of me. You are in a sticky situation.

[MrsHellFire]

I'm positive I'll catch hell for this as well, but he knew how I felt about appearance when we got married. Obesity is a problem in America that has always bothered me - people try to blame their weight problems on other issues, such as fast food, stress, etc. Nine times out of 10, though, it is usually just people being lazy. I understand for some people, staying in shape is a constant battle. However, does that mean one should just give up and end up like that guy who weighed 1000 lbs and had to be cut out of his house? I think not. I think you control yourself and do what you need to do to stay healthy and take responsibility for yourself, not blame your weight gain on other sources. He knew I felt that way before we got married, and I told him even before he started gaining weight how much it disgusts me when people let themselves go and do nothing about it. Therefore, my feelings shouldn't come as a huge surprise to me. The thing that kills me is we'll be out and see a fat girl or something, and he'll make a comment like "Look at that big fat ass" or something along those lines. I have started just looking at him and saying "And you're one to talk?" I know, it sounds hateful. But I am at my wits end and tired of being all nicey nicey about it.

 

 

If he feels that way, let yourself totally go for a week and even go out with him that way (if you fear not) and see how he likes it. Ripped up tracksuits hair messed up just as bummy as you could get. He doesn't sound like too nice of a person either, so he probably doesn't deserve what you are giving him.

[worriedsick]

Since you had already informed him of what the deal was and now he has broken it, then you have a right to be upset. If he is shallow too and treats others how he doesn't want to be treated, then that is wrong of him. That would bug the crap out of me. You are in a sticky situation.

 

I am really tired of everyone saying I'm shallow. Just because I want my spouse to look good, as well as myself, doesn't mean I am shallow, or that anyone else is better than me because they find obesity attractive. I have the right to like whatever I want and dislike whatever I want. Just because I don't like fat, lazy people doesn't mean I'm shallow - it means I just prefer healthy, motivated people.

[a4a]

I am really tired of everyone saying I'm shallow. Just because I want my spouse to look good, as well as myself, doesn't mean I am shallow, or that anyone else is better than me because they find obesity attractive. I have the right to like whatever I want and dislike whatever I want. Just because I don't like fat, lazy people doesn't mean I'm shallow - it means I just prefer healthy, motivated people.

 

I like the same sort of people and am attracted to fit and ambitious people myself.

 

That is not shallow that is just what you find attractive.

[worriedsick]

I like the same sort of people and am attracted to fit and ambitious people myself.

 

That is not shallow that is just what you find attractive.

 

OMG - thank you!!!

[tinktronik]

I like the same sort of people and am attracted to fit and ambitious people myself.

 

That is not shallow that is just what you find attractive.

I think your my long lost sister.