Am I obligated to sex with overweight husband?

[zarathustra]

This is the issue. Not a number on a scale.

The issue is seldom about a number on a scale.

 

I guess the worst part is that when he cheated on me and we separated for a long time, he was going to the gym all the time and looked the best he ever has. Why are strange whores he meets in a bar worthy of his best, but not me?

Here's the issue. Guest probably feels like he stopped trying because H probably feel like she's not going to leave him so he doesn't. But if he had to meet someone new, then he would work out to put his best foot forward.

 

I'd be pissed too.

[whichwayisup]

There HAS to be a middle ground here, a better approach for guest to motivate her husband WITHOUT making him feel bad about himself. Whether it be they go to marriage counselling together (underlying issues that need to be solved from the past) or she takes a more intimate, tough love kind of approach. Whatever she is doing and how she is handling it, IS NOT WORKING. Her hubby is depressed, unmotivated and the more she feels "yuk" towards her husband (He's not stupid, he knows this too) the less he feels inclined to change - What guarantee does he have that she will become attracted to him again when he loses some weight? What are her expectations of "how" much to lose? Is she expecting him to be skinny again, all lean and perfect? OR just enough so he looks better and feels healthier?

 

I am just suggesting a more loving approach, firm, but with respect and love. I think maybe he'll respond more to that, than her throwing resentment at him.

[933KJL]

Thats right WWIU (oh s***, did I just agree with you??) Will if hubby loses the 50# will all be good or will she demand another 25#, or that he dye his hair to look like he did when he was younger.

 

He does know what her feelings are and to be honest,I am not sure I would be motivated myself. OK, I am overweight, so now I have a demanding wife that is not being intimate with me until she gets her way. OK, so I lose the weight, but where does it stop. What is the next shoe that is ready to fall?

[Guest]

Out of curiosity........what are the statistics of the people involved? Height, weight and age?

 

We are in our mid-20s. I an 5'10 and weigh 125. He is about 6'2" and weighs 255+. Why, were you hoping I was fat as well so you could have something else to bitch at me about?

 

I am tired of everying thinking I'm a horrible person for wanting my spouse to be attractive. If everyone here that was attacking me would be honest with themselves, they would likely all find they feel the same way. I do love him for who he is and not how he looks, and like I said before, if I didn't I would have left his overweight ass a long time ago.

 

I have tried all of the recommendations here to try and get him motivated and nothing works. I have stopped buying anything junky, I cook healthier, etc. I am just tired of his relaxed attitiude of "Here I am, I'm not gonna change and if you don't like it, too bad. I still expect you to hop on this fat anytime I want it and enjoy it." I'm sorry if I'm not as nice as everyone else. If i could hypnotize myself like Jack Black did on "Shallow Hal" so I don't realize I'm wrapping my arms around a big fat gut, I totally would. But unfortunately, I can't. And for the records, I don't deny him affection - we still hug and kiss and cuddle. It's just that when it comes to getting it on and the clothes start coming off, all I see is the fat and it turns me right off. Sorry, maybe I'm a bad person and will burn in Hell for wanting my attractive spouse back. Whatever.

[Adora]

I can't help but feel that there are other problems aside form the overweight issue. As others have said, I wonder if when and he did lose the weight if things would be back to normal?

 

It is easy for some to say losing weight is not hard. But for some it is. Everyone is unique, their chemical balance in their bodies are not all alike, and what works for some may not work for others.

 

Do you resort to calling him names as you have here on the boards in person? If so, that is really cold. I know I would feel very hurt if my SO did that to me. Telling someone what to do, or calling them things because of who they are now will not make them change. If anything, it will only make them bitter, which I am guessing he is. I know I would be.

 

To answer your question whether you are obligated to have sex with him because he is now 50#'s heavier, well no, you don't - you should never feel obligated to do anything with anyone, no matter what the reason. But you should at least show him some respect, and concern, instead of acting as if he is some sort of monster with globs of slime dripping off of his body.

 

He is still the same person inside no matter how you look at it. The same person you fell in love with and took your vows with. He will, sadly as you will, change in the future again as you both age. Your bodies will never be the same throughout your lives.

 

To save your relationship you need to adapt and understand he has a problem, and be by his side as you were at first by offering him support, but the name calling needs to stop. I am sure you wouldn't feel good about yourself if the roles were reversed.

[933KJL]

Yeah but he is a fat lazy pig and I will not f*** him because he no longer meets my criteria of a desireable person.

 

Hmm, maybe this is a ruse to justify infidelity...ok he did it so I can...and if I leave, I have a built in excuse---well look at you you fat hog!

[zarathustra]

Yeah but he is a fat lazy pig and I will not f*** him because he no longer meets my criteria of a desireable person.

 

Hmm, maybe this is a ruse to justify infidelity...ok he did it so I can...and if I leave, I have a built in excuse---well look at you you fat hog!

I think that her feelings are being trivialized. It very apparent to me that after he cheated and they separated, he made himself look good so he can score. She never said she tries to look good for other people but she does it because she respects herself. Sometimes people who have been hurt express themselves in a way that is a bit harsh because its a defense mechanism.

 

I think that she sounds really hurt that when they were separated, he worked really hard to look good so that he could score with women and then now that they are back together, he doesn't seem to pay attention and it makes her feel like he's not valuing her as high as he did the women he was trying to meet in bars. I think that she's got some good advice from some people, but there are many more here that have talked down to her instead of trying to help.

 

To guest, I think that you should talk to your H and say exactly what you said about his going to the gym and working out to look his best when you two were separated. That when he doesn't try now, it feels like he doesn't think that you are worth the work. That his behaviour is hurtful.

 

Also, have you truly forgiven him for cheating on you? Just asking because you still sound quite angry.

[SARose61]

even if you are trying to encourage your husband to do something about his weight in the nicest way possible, words are still just words. Try giving him a piece of gym equipment, or a gym membership for his next b'day or anniversary. Make it interesting for him by exercising with him (even if you are in top shape). Challenge him, say for every 20 miles he puts on the treadmill or pedometer, you'll give him some nookie . If he doesn't want to do aerobics, buy him a set of weights. Strength training is a great way to turn fat into muscle which speeds up metabolism and helps weight loss.

 

As hard as it may be, if he does seem to buy into your suggestions be very patient. Bad habits are hard to break.

 

Rose

[MarnieGirl]

what a sad, sad world when the person you loved enough to marry becomes the person you like to ridicule and embarrass.

 

you didn't realize that he would gain weight after marriage. he didn't realize that he was marrying a heartless bitch. call it even, and go get some decent counseling or call it a day and both of you move on to people who can love and support each other.

[933KJL]

Challenge him, say for every 20 miles he puts on the treadmill or pedometer, you'll give him some nookie

 

s***, I can walk a half mile to the local massage parlor and for $50 bucks get a hell of a lot more loving than I can get at home.

 

My how times have changed--used to be that you'd walk a mile for a Camel. Not it appears that men who are overweight need to walk to to get blown!

[catgirl1927]

s***, I can walk a half mile to the local massage parlor and for $50 bucks get a hell of a lot more loving than I can get at home.

 

My how times have changed--used to be that you'd walk a mile for a Camel. Not it appears that men who are overweight need to walk to to get blown!

 

This kind of explains your stance on this issue. You're overweight, your sex life is unsatisfying and you are blaming your wife for both of those things. You also think you are completely justified in cheating. You are someone who thinks of women more like pets than people.

[whichwayisup]

Cat, you're assuming alot about 933...

[catgirl1927]

Cat, you're assuming alot about 933...

 

That's true, I am. But I'm just trying to figure out why anyone would think it is completely wrong and bitchy for a woman to be upset when her husband completely changes after they get married. I don't think it's shallow. He is saying that I can't handle change because I think someone should try to stay as attractive as possible. Like there is no difference between working out and trying to stay healthy and expecting someone to remain the same as their wedding photo. There's so much anger and resentment there, it just HAS to be based on something... I don't understand it.

[MrsHellFire]

He could give a flying f*** how she feels.

 

How do you know this? I don't think that way at all. If the situation is different, then disregard my post.

 

But people DO change and you have to expect that in marriage. Personalities, physical, mental... over a period of time change.

And bad habits you mentioned don't come about for no reason.. there are mental issues at hand and it's time to figure out what they are.

[catgirl1927]

I understand that people change over time. But even over 4 years, we're not talking about getting older, or putting on a few pounds. We're talking about a significant change in the OP's husbands values. He is a different person now, not because he gained weight but because he no longer cares about his appearance. It doesn't sound like he's even trying.

[whichwayisup]

HE cheated on her a long time ago, right? Well, it's obvious the guy is depressed and hasn't forgiven himself for what he did. He has no self esteem, no motivation to lose the weight.

 

She has every right to be disappointed, or turned off - Those are her feelings, fine. BUT - She isn't handling the situation well and it's not helping HIM from getting better. She could hire a personal trainer for him, be more pro-active, instead of saying awful things behind his back. Yeah, a rant is a rant, letting off steam, but it's still disrespectful to say things like that about her own husband. I'd be crushed if my husband ever posted awful words about me. Anger is one thing, but to call someone a fat ass or whatever else she's called him, is just plain rude.

[933KJL]

Yes please do not assume anything about me. I am in relatively good shape, I am not married, my sex life is fine, and I treat my SO with respect.

 

But I am not such a cold heartless bastard to tell her that she is not getting laid unless she loses the tummy roll. I am not that shallow of a person.

 

Apparently there are plenty of them here on the board and that is so very sad.

 

Catgirl--if you want perfection, I suggest you go here http://www.realdoll.com/maledoll1.asp and then you can have your perfect hunk to screw till you are blue in the face. Don't expect too much interraction from a doll though, but hey it is not about any personality or any interraction is it--it is all about the appearance.

 

Rather than try to work through the problem, you have aligned yourself with the OP who is more likely than not a troll and this is a fake post, but you have shown the vanity and shallowness of the world today. I am so glad I am involved with someone that cared about me for who I am---and if I gained some weight or if I lost a leg, I am relatively sure she would be there for me--maybe working it through, but not tossin out ultimatums.

 

Honey, sorry about almost losing your leg in the IED in Basara, but you know, it turns me off to see you limping, and you were not like that when we married, so get off your gimpy ass and get it fixed and I might think about sleeping wiht you again. Oh and while you are at it...you are gaining some weight to and I don't like that either so run twenty miles and I might give you some pussy!

 

I predict a lonly existence for many!

[whichwayisup]

He is a different person now, not because he gained weight but because he no longer cares about his appearance. It doesn't sound like he's even trying.

 

I'll say it again - HE IS DEPRESSED! Depressed and has NO motivation to change. That is what depression does to a person. IT CHANGES THEM. Not on purpose, not out of spite to f*** up his wife! He has to have love and encourgement. Has to get help. Her harping on his ass 24/7 about him being fat and gross to her IS NOT GOING TO HELP HIM LOSE WEIGHT.

[tinktronik]

Ahh, it seem Cat and I are finally going to agree on something. I may be harsh, but who wants to have sex with a person who has let themselves go from attractive and in shape to obese? I wouldn't . Gluttony is unhealthy , and shows a lack of care .If the person who I was with didn't care whether or not they were attractive for themselves, why would they care whether they were attractive for me?

 

To the OP ,NO you are not obligated to have sex with a husband who has become obese ,you are not obligated to sex with anyone husband or not .If your husband cared about you being attracted to him he wouldn't have packed on tons of pounds and then refused to get up off his ass and do something about it.

[MrsHellFire]

She just has to have sex whenever he wants

 

He complained about getting no sex at all.. how is that "whenever he wants"..

 

And she claimed his appearance is affecting her sex life.. what are these two going to do when they are aged and sagging? I'm sorry, but it just doesn't seem like too deep of feelings are involved here.

If a man was posting this, the shi+ would be flying...

 

Encourage, inspire, motivate..

It's hard going to the gym alone especially when it seems so hopeless to lose so much weight.. he needs someone with him there exercising as well to help motivate him.. try going with him on a daily basis or at least 3 times a week. Or buy a taebo tape and tell him to do it at home.. I lost at least 15 pounds within a month or month and a half.

[catgirl1927]

Talk about assumptions! What drivel. I said again and again that I don't expect perfection. But you'd have to be literate to realize that.

 

I think that no longer caring about your weight when you did at first is the same as starting to smoke, or use drugs, or any other bad habit.

 

93, you are not even reading my posts, you're just attacking me for no reason at all. I predict a lot more loneliness for you than for me. And the realdoll crap is juvenile and low. You know nothing about me, and you're just attacking me because it's fun for you. I am saying nothing wrong, and there is no reason to anything you've said about me. If you read what I posted you'd see that, but I think you are the troll just trying to make trouble. You don't want a discussion, you just throw stones at anyone who doesn't agree with everything you say.

[MrsHellFire]

Yeah, and the depression scenario is right on. The op is not going to get anywhere being "harsh" to him.. it might make things worse.

[Ladyjane14]

If your husband cared about you being attracted to him he wouldn't have packed on tons of pounds and then refused to get up off his ass and do something about it.

 

I thing we're only talking about 50 extra pounds.

He is a good 50 lbs overweight, and it is hideous to me.

 

Granted, that's enough to change his appearance to some degree.... but I hardly think it qualifies him as "hideous". I very much doubt that the underlying issues are about physical appearance at this point.

[slinkysu]

You're not obligated to have sex with anyone.

 

however - when you took your marriage vows you made promises and you are obligated to keep these.

 

For better, for worse

in sickness and in health

for richer for poorer

till death us do part

[catgirl1927]

Honestly, I think that he's gained this weight because she took him back after he cheated. He doesn't seem to respect her. AND, he is probably looking for a way out of the relationship. He can lose that weight pretty quick once he's ready to be back on the dating scene.