Am I obligated to sex with overweight husband?

[zarathustra]

Just an opinion here:

 

"Bottom Lining" something is generally an attempt to over simplify something to the point where it can't be contested as being different. We all do it to an extent. For meaningful discourse, it should be avoided though.

I don't agree with your opinion. Breaking down a post to its simplest form allow you to really see what the objective and aim of both posters. The OP in this thread wants to feel attracted to her H and wants advice as to how to go about it. IrishRod's objective is to do the same thing. I think both posters' spouses have some underlying issues within themselves that they are not dealing with and maybe that needs to be addressed.

 

I think you can easily contest someone's bottom line assessment if you have made one yourself. It is not over-simplification of the issue but to look at each individual part. For someone who quotes Aristotle, you should be very much aware of the debate of "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts". You are looking at the whole as greater, but I disagree and think that the parts are greater.

 

It's a matter of respect for the spouse. Look in the mirror and ask yourself: "What's it like being married to me?"

 

Try it.

I think you couldn't have said it better.

 

@OP... I think RD's suggestion is great. However, I don't think anyone would intentionally put on 50 or 80 pounds just for the heck of it. I think that there's something deeper rooted than what is being addressed. Maybe you and your husband need to sit down and figure out why it is that he's ok with having the extra weight. It can't be healthy.

[Pink_Tulip]

OK... I am gonna go off in a different direction here...

 

OP, are you sure this is about weight? Or are you using the weight to express your anger at his, according to you, lazinesss around the house, not helping with the child, and cheating?

 

Often times when we have emotional issues and start building up resentment, we don't feel safe expressing it b/c we feel vulnerable. But finding a physical issue to attach those feelings to is so much easier and safer.

 

I think it is totally normal that after feeling neglected emotionally by him, you would, of course, be less attracted to him. But maybe you think this is a physical issue and aren't digging deap enough to realize it is much more complicated than that.

 

I would recommend really being introspective about your feelings, and talking to him about his lack of help and such. If he is responsive and understanding, you may find your attraction to him growing again, despite him not losing a pound. Just my two cents.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm new here at LS, and this is my first post. I've been married for 12 years and we have two children. We didn't have hardly any problem until about two years ago. Mostly the problems were about sex, and the fact that my husband didn't feel like we were having enough frequency. To be honest, he was about 50 pounds overweight and it was kind of gross to be intimate with him. I tried to talk to him about it, but he never would really do anything to lose the weight.

 

Finally, last summer he went on a diet and started going to the gym. He lost alot of the weight, and started dressing a little better. He was even wearing cologne again, and he hasn't worn any in YEARS! I thought things were getting better between us, but we were still fighting alot. Mostly about stupid things.

 

Then, two weeks ago I found a receipt in the bottom of one of the grocery bags, and when I looked at it I noticed that he had bought some condoms. I freaked completely out because I had a tubal ligation 5 years ago! I asked him why he bought them, and I came right out and asked him if he was having an affair. He said 'no', and that the condoms were for one of the guys at work and it was a gag gift for his birthday. I wanted to believe him, but it didn't feel quite right to me.

 

So last week, while he was mowing the yard, I looked in his cell phone and found a text message from somebody saying, "Love u2, baby!" I called the number and a woman answered but when I told her who I was, she said I had a wrong number and hung up. I called back, but she wouldn't answer.

 

Later that night, I confronted him with the text message and begged him to tell me the truth. At first he denied and denied, but then he admitted that he's been having an affair with a girl from work. He says that they started talking back last year while he was feeling really bad about himself. It made him feel special to have someone to talk to, and then one thing led to another. I asked him if he loves her. He said he doesn't know. So, I asked him if he loves ME, and he said that he loves me as the mother of his children, but he's not sure if he's "in love" with me.

 

He says he doesn't want to get a divorce, but he's not sure if he'll ever be able to love me the way he used to. What should I do?

[worriedsick]

 

He says he doesn't want to get a divorce, but he's not sure if he'll ever be able to love me the way he used to. What should I do?

 

I have been cheated on before, and I know how horrible it is. My husband and I separated for a long time but ended up getting back together. I don't regret it because had we not, we wouldn't have had our son, who is the best thing in my entire life. However, part of me does wish I had just never looked back because since we've been back together, there has always been this ugly thing between us that both of us see but neither mentions anymore. Everytime I get angry with him, the old feelings come rushing back, making it difficult to even be around him at times. It's been years, but that wedge is still between us. He has also had Internet things before, mainly in the form of profiles on sex websites and such. When I asked him about them, he said it was just because he was bored, wasn't getting the attention he needed from me at home, and it was his way to vent. I said it was BS, and if I ever found out about it again that would be it. My forgiveness threshold has dropped significantly. I guess only time will tell if we can ultimately make it or not.

 

My advice to you is to look in yourself and try to imaging how you'll feel in 1, 5, and 10 years, knowing he's been intimate with someone other than you. I personally feel like he is a bit of a stranger compared to who I married, and at times all I can picture when I look at him is the dirty bastard who slept with another woman. However, I made my bed and now I will lie in it.

[Ladyjane14]

I am soooo sorry, WorriedSick.

 

You wrote such a beautiful post and gave such great advice... but my post was a hypothetical situation. I was hoping to illustrate a point and get another aspect of discussion going, but I forgot that we might have new members who might take that post seriously. I'm really embarrassed to have 'yanked your chain' so to speak.

 

Actually you and I have a bit in common regarding the husband's use of 'sex websites'. It's a sucky situation, but I was actually fortunate in that I caught mine before it went physical. I'm not sure I could have forgiven him if things had gone further. I don't know how much exposure you've had to the seamy side of internet porn, but I can imagine. I know more about it now than I ever wanted to, and it's hard to get it out of your head.

 

Anyway, what I was hoping to accomplish in my hypothetical post, was to illustrate the danger of allowing a vacuum in the relationship. Sometimes when one partner is feeling really bad about themselves, they make poor choices in an effort to feel better. In my hypothetical, the husband loses the weight, but he doesn't do it for the wife....he does it for the OW. My questions are.... "What does she have that I don't have? Why will he do it for her instead of me?"

 

I think there's a solution here. But I haven't quite figured out what it is.... so I was hoping the community 'ThinkTank' would jump on it. The hypothetical situation is fairly common, so what's this guy looking for that will motivate him? And can it be harnessed by his wife?

[AManWithTroubles]

You're such a thinker ladyjane. Do you have any sisters, you know, for if and when my marriage eventually fails...

[Ladyjane14]

Do you have any sisters....:

 

Yeah. She's younger than me, smarter than me, skinnier than me.... and alas... MARRIED for even longer than I've been married.

 

I think I'd hate her if she wasn't so damn FABULOUS.

But I'm her biggest fan so what can I do? lolol

[MrsHellFire]

I respect him enough to keep myself looking hot,

 

LMAO! Is this whole post a joke? If you respect anyone, why not keep your attitude hot. You sound cold, immature and vicious. Keeping yourself hot and then saying nasty things about him is respecting him how? Seems contradictory.

 

Why did you marry him? Doesn't sound like you love him much anyways. How can you refer to him as "gross"???? Yeah maybe you should get a divorce and find a man who looks hot and is hot in bed but then treats you like crap in every other way. That's the usual scenario.

[whichwayisup]

EXCUSE ME. Get your QUOTE right. I DID NOT SAY what you said I said in quotes. You're mixing me up with the ORIGINAL poster. Please read the very first post as Guest.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but it really gets me going when I'm quoted for something I didn't say. Especially something like what 'guest' posted.

[catgirl1927]

I don't think I've changed. I am being accused of saying bad things about the husband of the OP, which I did not. Irishrod's wife gained weight over a number of years. The OP makes it sound like it was less time than that. She clearly states he gained his weight over her pregnancy, not over a number of years.

 

I also tell her that while she is justified in wanting him to slim down some, that she cannot make another person lose weight. I have a LOT of experience with weight loss. It has to come from YOU.

 

I've never even addressed how she presented it to him. Frankly, there is NO good way to tell someone they have put on too much weight. Everyone who has said to encourage him to work out with her I think is right on the money, as well as making only healthy food available at the house.

 

I think that what happened here is the original post was very abrasive because the poster is frustrated. What she said on this thread is not what she said to her husband, it's a RANT.

 

I think people are attacking her by saying that she is shallow to want her husband to lose some weight. She is not wanting him to starve, and I don't think she really said he always has to stay the same. What she actually said was, he isn't making any effort and clearly does not care if she finds him attractive. That's a pretty lazy attitude.

 

See, AManWithTroublesWhoIsTakingThemOutOnMe, I think you're personalizing and assuming I am doing the same. What irritates me is the obvious double standard. She was immediately attacked and told she had NO RIGHT to feel the way she feels. The amount of the weight is not the problem, it's the attitude. But you don't really read what I post, you just attack me for not agreeing that women have no right to expect any consideration from their husbands in this manner.

 

And from what you've posted, it sounds to me like your wife is insecure about her thighs and butt, and is lashing out at you about a "gut" because she feels bad about herself. That is very, very unfair and immature of her. Making you feel bad is not a way to make herself feel better. It really sounds, just from what you've said, like she's very defensive, like she's aware that you don't find her as attractive because of that and is hurt by it.

[933KJL]

The weight gain was over an almost 4 year period. Re read the post. He began to gain weight when I was pregnant and here it is three years later and he is 50# overweight. So it is a gradual ramp up.

 

When you buy that BMW, what happens when you get a ding in the side? Then an accident and it never really handles the way it used to? What about when the dog puked on the floor and the carpets look a little disgusting? As it get really old (like the 2002Tii I used to have) what happens when the headliner slumps and looks like a fat belly hanging from the roof? You know what, if I look at the grille, I still know it is a BMW. You know what, over the years, it had been knocked around a bit. It is certainly not in the same shape as it was on the showroom floor, it has some mechanical problems every now and then, but basically it is a reliable car for me. I can count on it for the most part to take me from point a to point b.

 

But, when I neglect to change the oil, the engine misses a little bit. Missed a tune up, it begins to cough and wheeze a bit. Maybe it breaks down and has a fling with a sexy little Honda that appreciates a BMW.

 

What I am saying is that you do not like change. You being the OP and Catgirl. Change is inevitible and sometimes it is not for the better in someones opinion. You say this is not the man you/she married and you/she wants that man back. I question if he married a woman that he felt wold be turned off and use sex as a weapon if he got out of shape? Take a look at the marraige vows and see how you feel. If it is that bad--get out. I am sure he can find someone to appreciate him AND have sex with him.

 

Oh, and one more thing (he says in his best Robert Blake voiice)...suppose he could make the 50# vanish overnight. Woudl that solve it all? Somehow I think not.

[Guest]

So, if you upkeep cars to keep them looking as nice as possible, why should the same not hold true for human bodies? I understand, as people age, their skin sags, blah blah blah. But age does not equal fat. Fat usually comes from being lazy and having no self-respect. I don't use sex as a weapon either - I just do not take the role of the submissive wife and have sex with him whenever he wants. I feel that if he wants me to be attracted to him, he needs to put forth an effort, just like I do. By most people's logic on this thread, I apparently can stop shaving my legs and armpits, stop getting bikini waxes and let my ass get as wide as a semi and he is still supposed to get it up at the sight of me? I highly doubt it - women are just as much visual creatures as are men.

 

As for the "having a fling" - if he decides he needs to have one, God forbid I find out about it. He doesn't have a right to infidelity, no matter what the situation. If he is that unhappy with how our sex life is going (or lack thereof), then he needs to do something about it to remedy it, or get a divorce and put himself back on the meat market. I guess he'll just have to hope that all the women he's hitting on are looking for some fatted steers instead of lean meat!

 

I guess the worst part is that when he cheated on me and we separated for a long time, he was going to the gym all the time and looked the best he ever has. Why are strange whores he meets in a bar worthy of his best, but not me?

[MrsHellFire]

Whichway, i did not mean to have your name in there and NOW just see the mistake. I never confused you with the guest though. Thanks for the correction. Just bad editing.

[933KJL]

Listen to yourself....

If he wants me to feel attrctive he will change...

He does not have the right to infidelity.....

God forbid I find out....

If he is unhappy then he needs to do something about it....

Fatted steers......

 

Man it is all about you. WHen did you separate--before the kid or after? So you may be bringin up ancient history.

[PSmith]

I know you find sex with him disgusting right now. But, withholding it until he loses weight only creates conflict, which will cause your husband to eat even more. Food will become his replacement for affection from you.

 

It's tough to lose weight. It requires a lot of commitment and work. People tend to think of going on a diet. Diets fail, it's more of a life style change that needs to be done. At a moderate pace of diet and exercise your husband can expect to lose about 2lbs a week. Which is why people get discouraged in the beginning. All that work for a lousy 2lbs!

 

You need to setup a reward system now, not after he loses weight. By becoming a partner in his attempt to get healthy (I prefer that phrase to losing weight) it will make it easier on him. Buy a couple of bikes (get an odometer also) and go on a 10 mile ride. After the ride, go home and have sex. Don't hold it out as a reward, surprise him with it when you get home. Show him that you're so happy with his effort to get healthy for you that you just want to jump all over him.

 

After dinner, instead of desert, go for a 2 mile walk. Then come home and have some more sex. If you guys are having sex, he's not in front of the TV eating chips. Sex also burns calories and raises the heart rate.

 

Hope this helps.

[MrsHellFire]

I was reading psmith's post and I recollect one fact from the past on tv and in books: how much sex actually burns the weight, is healthy and great exercise! In fact, one woman said she dropped tons of pounds on the Dr phil show in the past just by having tons of sex. I couldn't even believe the amount of muscles they said were in action at the time of sex! You withholding that from him might actually make matters worse! Plus another effect: no sex= not as happy= eat more to feel better. vicious cycle. why dont you care about his psychological state as to why he feels the need to eat? My god woman, have a heart!

 

Plus, this seems all to be about YOU! You don't mention any way this actually helps him personally which just makes you look selfish. You don't say one word about his health, how he might be depressed etc... it's just all about "ME ME ME ME"...

 

If you do the shopping, do not buy ANY SNACK OR JUNK! Keep it healthy... seriously I used to snack it up all the time, even though I never gained weight at the time... but after a while of buying better foods and having snacks practically NIL of the time, I didn't even really care for them much. I was moreso looking forward to a GOOD meal.. mashed potatos, stuffing, filet mignon.. LOL all the GREAT MEALS we could cook at home.. and less about anything else. It takes a while to adjust though and everyone is different, so i dont know if he will be able to. Just give it the good college try.

[catgirl1927]

I have no problem with change. I see that I was incorrect, that the gain WAS over a four year period. But to say I don't accept change is just stupid.

 

What no one wants to READ in my post is that his weight gain is not about the number of pounds. It is about not caring how she feels. He is saying that her feelings do not matter, she is his wife, and if he wants it she should shut the f*** up and spread it and f*** her if she doesn't like it.

 

When you marry someone who doesn't smoke, who then starts smoking, and you hate smoking and were clear about it, do you not have a right to say anything? What about drugs? What about any bad habit? Maybe next he'll decide that when she says something he doesn't like he'll just beat the s*** out of her. I mean, when they married he might have thought that was wrong, but hey, people change, right? I know that's an extreme example, but reason seems to mean nothing to you guys. (93whatever and AManWithTroubles) The problem here is that when she married him they both cared what they looked like and loved each other enough to at least TRY to be attractive. He has changed.

 

What you are saying is that the OP's feelings do not matter. Only her husband matters, and she has no right to ask him to try to be attractive for her. She just has to have sex whenever he wants and do as she's told and her happiness means nothing. He could give a flying f*** how she feels, and I'm sure this is not the only thing he doesn't care about any more.

 

What a joy it must be to married to guys like you.

[SoleMate]

I'd like to challenge the use of the phrase "withholding sex" in relation to what the OP is doing. That phrase make it sounds like the OP is making a calculated effort to deprive her H of his goodies. While that is possible, I consider it more likely that her statement is factually true - that she does not participate in sex because she finds it a repellent, unpleasant experience.

 

Perhaps men do not understand that while a woman can force herself to participate in sex without desire or other warm feelings, the experience will likely be unpleasant. Especially so if it is accompanied by the usual husbandly nagging and criticism associated with infrequent sex. Do that enough, and you will find her becoming averse to sex with her H, leading to further alienation and difficulty in sex even if he did lose the weight. Then, LadyJane's hypothetical condom receipt could actually be due to a purchase by the wife...

 

Look folks, it's a two way street and both parties need to meet the ENs (emotional needs) of the other.

 

The

H

needs "sexual fulfillment". The

W

must do her best to become a good sexual partner to him.

 

The

W

needs "an attractive spouse". The

H

must do his best to become attractive for her.

 

Let's not try to make it sound like one should - or could - happen without the other. I would count these folks successful if they could make gradual progress on fulfilling these needs for each other. Say, 25% a year, which equals a four year program to get from misery to bliss. Plenty of time to take the weight off, and work away the accumulated sexual hostility.

[Guest]

Listen to yourself....

If he wants me to feel attrctive he will change...

He does not have the right to infidelity.....

God forbid I find out....

If he is unhappy then he needs to do something about it....

Fatted steers......

 

Man it is all about you. WHen did you separate--before the kid or after? So you may be bringin up ancient history.

 

Since when is infidelity ancient history? There is no statute of limitations of how long I can feel hurt by his betrayal. He understood when I agreed to take him back that there was a good chance things would be very different between us, and he agreed and came back anyway. Now, maybe I do hold him at a different standard and am less forgiving. My bad. It's hard to be nice to someone who went out and had sex with another woman, then came home and tried to cuddle with you and act like nothing happened.

 

I'm glad to know that apparently a lot of men feel it's okay to go out and stick it to someone else if they're not getting what they want at home. By that logic, I have every right to go out and find myself some hot guy to "give me what I need" since my needs haven't been met. If I didn't love my hubby, do you think there would even be an issue here? If it was just a physical thing I would have left him as soon as his waist started expanding. But no, I didn't. I do love him and want us to be happy, but I refuse to turn myself into his obliging sex slave when most of the time I am repulsed by his body. He knows how I feel, and hopefully he will make a change. If not, it will continue as is - little sex, only when I really want it and the vibrator isn't cutting it anymore. I know it sounds harsh, but I just can't make myself be attracted to him physically until he makes some changes.

[Ladyjane14]

As for the "having a fling" - if he decides he needs to have one, God forbid I find out about it. He doesn't have a right to infidelity, no matter what the situation. If he is that unhappy with how our sex life is going (or lack thereof), then he needs to do something about it to remedy it, or get a divorce and put himself back on the meat market. I guess he'll just have to hope that all the women he's hitting on are looking for some fatted steers instead of lean meat!

 

I guess the worst part is that when he cheated on me and we separated for a long time, he was going to the gym all the time and looked the best he ever has. Why are strange whores he meets in a bar worthy of his best, but not me?

 

I think this post changes some things. This might not be all about the husband's extra weight.

It looks like there are some unresolved issues here. Anger and resentment brought on by the husband's previous infidelity could theoretically be causing an exagerated response to the weight issue.

 

She's expressing alot of frustration, but maybe that's because she's reading some deliberation into her husband's failure to take the weight issue seriously. In the last paragraph, it looks like she might be feeling that his complacency is directed toward her.... "Why are strange whores he meets in a bar worthy of his best, but not me?"

[933KJL]

Out of curiosity........what are the statistics of the people involved? Height, weight and age?

[Mz. Pixie]

When you marry someone who doesn't smoke, who then starts smoking, and you hate smoking and were clear about it, do you not have a right to say anything? What about drugs? What about any bad habit? Maybe next he'll decide that when she says something he doesn't like he'll just beat the s*** out of her. I mean, when they married he might have thought that was wrong, but hey, people change, right? I know that's an extreme example, but reason seems to mean nothing to you guys. (93whatever and AManWithTroubles) The problem here is that when she married him they both cared what they looked like and loved each other enough to at least TRY to be attractive. He has changed.

 

What you are saying is that the OP's feelings do not matter. Only her husband matters, and she has no right to ask him to try to be attractive for her. She just has to have sex whenever he wants and do as she's told and her happiness means nothing. He could give a flying f*** how she feels, and I'm sure this is not the only thing he doesn't care about any more.

 

What a joy it must be to married to guys like you.

 

Wow, good one.

 

When my exh eventually got to about 100 lbs overweight it was downright uncomfortable for sex. He sweated profusely all the time- winter and summer. He couldn't walk five feet without having to wipe his face with a washcloth. He never stank or anything, he just sweated all the time. The pressure on his joints was incredible and caused him to have to be on medicine for that, which in turn caused a bleeding ulcer- then later caused him to lose sight in one eye temporarily. We couldn't sleep in the same bed because he had sleep apnea so bad that you could hear him through two doors and a hall with ear plugs in. Who can sleep through that?? Then he had surgery for that, but it didn't work because he regained a bunch of weight.

 

This was a health issue big time. He stopped breathing like 300 times a night because of that. But yet, everything that I did failed as far as trying to motivate him and help him lose weight. He just didn't WANT to. At one point he wanted to- earlier on- and lost 40 lbs. He gained it back and he just didn't care to go on a diet and deprive himself of 10 cokes a day and two chicken biscuits for breakfast with a little debbie cake.

 

I'm not trying to talk ugly about him by saying all of this, it's just the truth.

 

It was embarrasing to go out in public with him as well, because he would gorge himself at dinner out- order too much food- and sit there having to wipe sweat- while he was eating. He couldn't find clothes that fit without having to spend too much money on them and then they would still not fit right. It was sad really.

 

Another thing that happened was it made me feel like crap. When we dated he wasn't overweight like that. I felt in a way that he didn't care enough about ME to make himself more attractive. It was if he was saying "You can keep yourself up for me if you want to but I don't give a damn how I look because this is the best you're ever gonna have baby" Like he didn't have to work to keep me or our marriage a success.

[catgirl1927]

It was if he was saying "You can keep yourself up for me if you want to but I don't give a damn how I look because this is the best you're ever gonna have baby" Like he didn't have to work to keep me or our marriage a success.

 

This is the issue. Not a number on a scale.

[whichwayisup]

Whichway, i did not mean to have your name in there and NOW just see the mistake. I never confused you with the guest though. Thanks for the correction. Just bad editing.

 

No problem.

[Mz. Pixie]

This is the issue. Not a number on a scale.

 

Which kinda equates with "you're not worth the effort".

 

Now, if some type of illness would have prevented him from losing weight it would have been different for me. This is not like he was in his 40's. We married when he was 22- and he was very overweight by 26.