Am I obligated to sex with overweight husband?

[Guest]

"Am I obligated to have sex with overweight husband?"

 

No of course you're not "obligated" you should because you want to not out of obligation. I wouldn't say anything else to him about it. I think he already knows how you feel on the matter. No sense in continuing to push the issue if its something he might not want to do.

 

Just walk out the door to the gym one day, very nicely ask if he would like to go, or at least let him know the offer is on the table if he wants to go with you. If he says no, then go about your business. Maybe at some point he will get motivated about losing weight and do something about it. If, not then you either live with it, or not. It really comes down to what you want to do as far as being with him. He has to be the one to want to lose the weight.

[catgirl1927]

I stand by my initial post. Sure, men are going to gain weight when they're older. That's not what the OP is talking about. This guy packed on the pounds because he was lazy. She doesn't appreciate it, that doesn't make her a bad person. You all attacked her and said she was a terrible, shallow, unfeeling person. Not true.

[whichwayisup]

I'm one of the laziest people around, and I'll admit that. I'd rather drive 4 blocks to the store than walk. My hubby makes fun of me too. If I had a weight problem I know it WOULD be hard for me to get motivated and DO something about it. Encouragement is so important. Non-judgemental and loving words can go a long way.

 

AManwithT, you sound like you've found something that works for you and that's good. That is what we all have to do, is find a passion sport that you love and stick to it. I go rollerblading actually, just to keep me inshape and I do yoga. I hate walking unless I have to and I refuse to run or jog. Yuk!

[AManWithTroubles]

I stand by my initial post. Sure, men are going to gain weight when they're older. That's not what the OP is talking about. This guy packed on the pounds because he was lazy. She doesn't appreciate it, that doesn't make her a bad person. You all attacked her and said she was a terrible, shallow, unfeeling person. Not true.

She said that he's lazy. But how would it look to someone on the outside? Sorry, but I want to hear more before we just accept the lazy blame.

 

Also, something to think about, with the age thing. We set ourselves into this pattern over our formative years, however many that may be. Say I eat the same foods, and do the same things for 28 years, and I always look slim/healthy, without even being a buff nut. Then suddenly, after that year, I started gaining weight, but didn't change a thing. It's hard to change a person's actions from 28 years of doing the same thing, day in and day out. And yelling at them and calling them disgusting, and refusing to have sex with them, well, it's not going to make them change.

[whichwayisup]

I stand by my initial post. Sure, men are going to gain weight when they're older. That's not what the OP is talking about. This guy packed on the pounds because he was lazy. She doesn't appreciate it, that doesn't make her a bad person. You all attacked her and said she was a terrible, shallow, unfeeling person. Not true.

 

Could he be depressed? Not motivated? So in her mind, that translates to laziness? I'm sure he isn't happy with his body and weight. He probably KNOWS that she is turned off by his weight too, so that just makes him feel worse.

 

Maybe you two need some counselling or something. I don't know.

 

I still want sex, just usually not from him.

 

Just don't cheat on him. I'm not sure what exactly you mean by that.

 

Bottom line, you love your husband. Tough love is one thing but to make him feel about himself isn't helping. That's like you asking "Does this dress make my ass look fat?" Noone is really prepared to 'hear' the answer to that one...

[catgirl1927]

She said that he's lazy. But how would it look to someone on the outside? Sorry, but I want to hear more before we just accept the lazy blame.

 

Also, something to think about, with the age thing. We set ourselves into this pattern over our formative years, however many that may be. Say I eat the same foods, and do the same things for 28 years, and I always look slim/healthy, without even being a buff nut. Then suddenly, after that year, I started gaining weight, but didn't change a thing. It's hard to change a person's actions from 28 years of doing the same thing, day in and day out. And yelling at them and calling them disgusting, and refusing to have sex with them, well, it's not going to make them change.

 

OK, trust me, no one knows about that age slam more than me. You have to modify your diet and ramp up your exercise. It takes craploads of discipline, and it's all about priorities. I don't stay thin because I'm afraid my BF will cheat. I stay thin because who doesn't want to look good? What kind of slob doesn't care what they look like at all?

 

She did not yell at him and call him disgusting. Such drama. And withholding sex isn't a good idea, no, but if someone doesn't care how you feel that makes it kind of hard to care if they want some sex.

[worriedsick]

I don't think she's unjustified. Had he been fat when they got married, that'd be one thing. But if he got fat over the years and just refused to do anything about it, she is perfectly justified in being disgusted with his body and not wanting to touch it. I don't believe in a relationship anyone is obligated to give sex to the other, and if she dries up like the Sahara when she sees his fat ass, then it's not her job to keep him satisfied. If he doesn't care enough about how he looks to her, then he either needs to do something about it or get over it.

[SoleMate]

I'm not shallow and I make efforts not to apply a double standard. I sympathize deeply with a wife who does not want to see or feel her H's big fat rolls of belly slapping into her. Physical attraction is a fundamental emotion, and to force yourself to have sex with someone who repels you physically or emotionally is a huge mistake. The OP's marriage is already under a lot of stress from the obesity and lack of sex, and for her to add the stress of forcing herself to have sex with a man she finds repulsive may be the last straw.

 

This problem really hits home with me because I have worn those shoes. Sure, we women know that we can just lie there and hope it's over with quick, but if you don't actually WANT him near you and he's in there any way, you will quickly develop sexual aversions, loathing, contempt, and loss of love.

 

Let's all remind ourselves to do our best to stay in the best shape possible, out of love for our mates and a desire to keep them happy with the marriage.

[Kenyth]

Gaining 50 pounds is completely different from stretch marks and cellulite.

 

Women are shallow? If this poster were a man, you'd be telling him he has every right to stop having sex with his wife and even have an affair. At the very least he should go get a couple of lap dances and there wouldn't be anything at all wrong with it, would there? But because she's a woman, she's not allowed to be visual? The double standards on this site are unbelievable.

 

She obviously cares about him or she'd LEAVE him. She doesn't want to leave him, she loves him, she wants him to care how she feels. It's so unfair to say that a woman has to stay thin and a man is just being oh-so-kind to put up with her imperfections, but if a man porks up it's totally ok and she's just a bitch. WOW.

 

 

Where do you get this from? I sure don't see it. The guys I know with heavy wives don't complain until their spouses get morbidly obese. Even then, they still sleep with them.

[AManWithTroubles]

Yes, catgirl, who doesn't want to look good?

 

But who defines what good looking is? Must everyone be slim? Is a little fat not good? I think it provides some nice insulation for the winter time. And the little gut that I have my wife picks on, but if she mentions it to anyone she knows, they think she's crazy. They ask her what fat, your husband is skin and bones. Yet my wife can pick out the fat that I do have, focus on it, and find it disgusting. I'm sure that this may happen in other relationships also.

 

I'd like to see this man, 50 lbs overweight? Is this a doctor prescribed overweight? Or is this how many lbs over the limit she would like him at? Where do they live? If they live in northern areas, people tend to have a bit of weight due to the long winters.

 

So many factors, I'm just not buying into the laziness label yet. But, one thing you'll find from me, is I hate labelling people. Once you label him, there's no reason for him to change at all. He can just accept his label, and be satisfied. I think more of the action oriented approach to solutions.

[worriedsick]

Yes, catgirl, who doesn't want to look good?

 

But who defines what good looking is? Must everyone be slim? Is a little fat not good? I think it provides some nice insulation for the winter time.

 

Insulation? It's only good if you're talking about bears and other wild animals who must fend for themselves in the winter. We're talking about human beings who have clothing and coats to keep them warm, not beer bellies and man-boobs. I agree, who is to say what is "attractive", as it is such an objective thing. However, I think the point is that he has let himself go severely compared to how he looked in the beginning of the relationship, and she is wanting the original him back, not the new "insulated" version, as you would call it.

[AManWithTroubles]

Yeah, most peole want the original people back that they married, but we don't always get that. The only way to do that is to marry someone new once a year. After that, people will change and settle into the relationship. I often wish my wife would have a little bit more fun and relax, and be more carefree like she was when we met. But I don't get that, and I doubt that I ever will. Maybe I should deny her of her needs until she becomes that person that I married. Yes, that's what I'll do.

[Chump64]

Interestingly, a man started a very similar thread a few days ago. Just giving a quick read, this poster (Irishrod) seemed to get a lot more sympathy for his feelings about his overweight wife, compared with the poster of this thread (a woman who says the same thing about her husband).

 

Sexism at its finest?

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=88360

[Ladyjane14]

I'm saying that being cruel and nasty is no way to treat your spouse, if you are trying to get him to better him/her self. People don't function well under the extra stress and pressure. It usually causes people to lock up and fall further into their problems.

 

That's no way to treat your spouse...period. This is somebody you supposedly love. Why would anybody offer criticism that would be destructive to their partner's self-esteem?

 

If my husband told me I was fat, and it offended him too much to have sex with me.... I'd lose every extra pound and then go have sex with SOMEBODY ELSE.

[worriedsick]

Yeah, most peole want the original people back that they married, but we don't always get that. The only way to do that is to marry someone new once a year. After that, people will change and settle into the relationship. I often wish my wife would have a little bit more fun and relax, and be more carefree like she was when we met. But I don't get that, and I doubt that I ever will. Maybe I should deny her of her needs until she becomes that person that I married. Yes, that's what I'll do.

 

Just because you say "I do" to someone doesn't give them the right to turn into a completely different person, be it physical, emotional, etc. I feel it's like buying a car - if you buy a BMW, as time wears on, you expect for it to stay a BMW (albeit with some age and wear on it), not turning into a completely different model like Ford Taurus within a few years. As for denying the husband of his "needs", it is not a wife's duty to pleasure her husband - unless you're a Bible-thumping religious freak who believes women should obey their husband. In any event, the tables could easily be turned. For example - if your wife's attitude changed severely enough that it affected how you viewed her sexually, then it is your prerogative to feel however you want. If it makes her unattractive to you, then you should have a discussion about how her negative attitude affects you and see if you can work it out. If she just says "Too bad, this is how I want to be and you can deal with it", then you deal with it however you want, be it not having sex as often or whatever.

[Kenyth]

Interestingly, a man started a very similar thread a few days ago. Just giving a quick read, this poster (Irishrod) seemed to get a lot more sympathy for his feelings about his overweight wife, compared with the poster of this thread (a woman who says the same thing about her husband).

 

Sexism at its finest?

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=88360

 

 

For one thing his post sounded a lot more caring. He also isn't withholding love and affection. He also seems genuinely concerned with hurting her feelings. We didn't say she was wrong for wanting him to lose weight. Only wrong in the way she's handling it and the way she seems so cold, insulting, and superficial.

[Buttaflyy]

That's no way to treat your spouse...period. This is somebody you supposedly love. Why would anybody offer criticism that would be destructive to their partner's self-esteem?

 

If my husband told me I was fat, and it offended him too much to have sex with me.... I'd lose every extra pound and then go have sex with SOMEBODY ELSE.

 

Right on Ladyjane! Some people here are making this a gender issue, but as a woman I keep repeating that what's important is how you approach your spouse. No matter who you are, or what gender, no one wants to hear these things from their spouse. For better or for worse, richer or poorer, etc. they said....Maybe I'll throw in for skinny or fat when my turn comes up.

[zarathustra]

For one thing his post sounded a lot more caring. He also isn't withholding love and affection. He also seems genuinely concerned with hurting her feelings. We didn't say she was wrong for wanting him to lose weight. Only wrong in the way she's handling it and the way she seems so cold, insulting, and superficial.

Nah, I think he said that he doesn't find himself attracted to her anymore because of the weight gain. Bottom line, he wanted her to lose weight because he found it unattractive. OP wants her H to lose weight because she finds it unattractive. Looks to me like we're comparing apples to apples. I agree with Chump.

 

For me, I think my H likes it when I dress up and look nice. Part of looking nice in our point of view is looking healthy. Gaining 50 on any person is not healthy or in truth not nice looking. If I gained 50 lbs, my H would think I was being self destructive and he wouldn't like that. I feel the same way about it too.

 

I think that the OP may need to re-evaluate how to deliver her message, but what she wants is not an unrealistic thing.

[AManWithTroubles]

For one thing his post sounded a lot more caring. He also isn't withholding love and affection. He also seems genuinely concerned with hurting her feelings. We didn't say she was wrong for wanting him to lose weight. Only wrong in the way she's handling it and the way she seems so cold, insulting, and superficial.

Yes, and I saw the same type of responses there too. How odd? I saw a lot of telling him to encourage her to work out, start slow, be nice, etc. And yeah, he didn't say he was withholding intimacy. He showed concern for her well being. As a matter of fact, you seemed to have changed, if anything catgirl. In that post you say,

 

It's an awful circle, really. You feel bad because you've put on a few pounds. You eat to comfort yourself. You feel worse because you feel ugly and fat, and you know you're not doing anything about it. So you eat MORE for comfort. You have a bad day, you can't use sex to get rid of the bad feelings because you feel ugly, so you eat something. Man, it sucks. At 80 pounds, to lose weight and feel good about herself and do it safely is going to take at least a year. It's just a huge thing, it's intimidating.

And then in this thread, it's ok for her to find her husband fat and nasty.

[Kenyth]

Nah, I think he said that he doesn't find himself attracted to her anymore because of the weight gain. Bottom line, he wanted her to lose weight because he found it unattractive. OP wants her H to lose weight because she finds it unattractive. Looks to me like we're comparing apples to apples. I agree with Chump.

 

For me, I think my H likes it when I dress up and look nice. Part of looking nice in our point of view is looking healthy. Gaining 50 on any person is not healthy or in truth not nice looking. If I gained 50 lbs, my H would think I was being self destructive and he wouldn't like that. I feel the same way about it too.

 

I think that the OP may need to re-evaluate how to deliver her message, but what she wants is not an unrealistic thing.

 

 

 

Yes, it is comparing apples to apples. The point is, one apple is wormy and rotten in comparison to the other! HOW you go about doing it is certainly more important than just doing it. That's why there are contests that compare how well people do certain things in comparison to each other, because it's that important! I'm not invalidating her feeling on the matter, only criticizing her apparent lack of empathy and love.

[reservoirdog1]

Guest, I'm not going to comment about whether or not you're shallow, or criticize you for the approach you've taken so far. The situation you're in requires helpful advice.

 

And, I'm coming at this as somebody who has been in your husband's position.

 

I think you need to approach it as "your problem" as a couple, and not as "his problem." The general approach you need to try is, "honey, I want to be turned on by you again. I want it to be like it was in the beginning between us, when I couldn't keep my hands off you. And I want us to work together to reawaken those feelings. I know we can get there if you let me help you and we work on this together."

 

What you then suggest is a mutual commitment to exercise and eating properly. Throw yourself into it, wholeheartedly -- don't just leave it up to him. Be his partner in this endeavour -- not a slavedriver or a nag. Help him stay satiated and well-fed -- with the right kind of food. If that means packing healthy lunches for him, then do it. If that means going to the gym together, going running together, or buying a set of dumbells and spotting him at home while he lifts (now THERE'S a good pre-sex activity...), then do it. If that means "rewarding" his progress with sex, then do it. He needs to be encouraged, not belittled. And when he's once again the slim healthy looking guy you married, he'll be grateful to you.

 

Of course, if you put an honest effort into the above and he gives a half-assed effort, or no effort at all, then you've done everything you can, and you'll have to consider other (non-infidelity) options.

[Kenyth]

Just an opinion here:

 

"Bottom Lining" something is generally an attempt to over simplify something to the point where it can't be contested as being different. We all do it to an extent. For meaningful discourse, it should be avoided though.

[zarathustra]

Yes, it is comparing apples to apples. The point is, one apple is wormy and rotten in comparison to the other! HOW you go about doing it is certainly more important than just doing it. That's why there are contests that compare how well people do certain things in comparison to each other, because it's that important! I'm not invalidating her feeling on the matter, only criticizing her apparent lack of empathy and love.

Gimme a break, the other guy wants his hot wife back too.

 

Just an opinion here:

 

"Bottom Lining" something is generally an attempt to over simplify something to the point where it can't be contested as being different. We all do it to an extent. For meaningful discourse, it should be avoided though.

nope, its not an over simplication, but looking at the final objective of what both posters are aiming for.

 

The problem I am having is I no longer find my wife physically attractive.

 

When I met my wife she was 18 years old 5’6” and with a very slender build. She has the nicest green eyes with a beautiful smile and enjoys life to the fullest. Her attitude towards life is intoxicating. It is hard for anyone not to like her.

 

Since we got married she have put on a lot of weight, she has slowly put it on but nonetheless, she has put it on. She has easily put on 80 pounds. I love her with all my heart but when I touch her I do not get the same physical response I used to. I find myself fantasying about other women when we are together.

Just because the OP didn't phrase things as nicely doesn't equate to her not loving her H... Some people just don't have as much tact or have the ability to sugar coat things. In the end, I think both posters feel unattracted to their partners and are looking for support as to how to go about it. Calling someone shallow because of how they feel is insensitive and just isn't conductive to providing the support they need.

[SoleMate]

Great answer, RD. Focus on finding solutions, and avoid those Love Busters.

 

I do want all the men to understand that if a woman forces herself to have sex to avoid being verbally or pschologically mistreated by her husband, rather than out of positive motivations like desire, affection, wanting to please, wanting to be close, the experience will be unpleasant for her.

 

Multiple unpleasant sexual experiences with a man ==> Sexual aversion to that man. One follows the other as surely as the tide rushes to shore.

[SoleMate]

Just because you say "I do" to someone doesn't give them the right to turn into a completely different person...if you buy a BMW...you expect for it to stay a BMW...not turn into a completely different model like Ford Taurus within a few years.

As the former owner of a Taurus that ate tires like people eat Oreos, shook so bad I felt like I had Parkinson's, and then had its engine explode 40 miles from civilization, in 90 degree heat, while I had a 4 year old in the car with me, I couldn't agree more.

 

It's a matter of respect for the spouse. Look in the mirror and ask yourself: "What's it like being married to me?"

 

Try it.