So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[Lurker123]

Stillafool- that was tried and tested many months back- he contacted me via work email which I am unable to block him on. The fact is, if he wants to contact me he will- he’s shown that many times previous. For me, i feel I have the upper hand in not blocking him, it’s something he used to do to me in the early stages of the EA and it affected me hugely. It’s another test of my strength of character that if he does contact me again after I have asked him not to- it will firstly evidence his lack of respect for me and secondly he will be getting zero reply! That I am now sure of. 

[elaine567]

42 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

You changed the rules when you got divorced. He enjoyed you more when you were married and not a threat who would take his marriage out at the knees. He didn't want to be divorced. He wanted to cheat and get away with it and you were the perfect mate when you were also married because you weren't a threat to his marriage when this began. That's why you were chosen. You were unavailable. Now that you're available, it makes life hard and that's no fun anymore.... so we find you here. 

This is so true. 
The MW or the single women with a bf. 
Perfect.

[Abetterme]

Lurker - I am so happy to see your update today. I can imagine how hard it was standing your ground, but you’re finally putting yourself first and you WILL move forward. It will get better each week. Focus on improving yourself and spending time with your kids. Sending you lots of support! All the best! 

[mark clemson]

I actually think changing your locks might be a good idea, EVEN if he gives back the key. As pointed out he plays head games with you and sometimes people will surprise you. You don't want him attempting to engineer some weird plot to scare you in the hopes you'll run back to his arms for security or similar. Sociopaths (I'm not saying he is one, but perhaps) like to "win" at least in their own minds. One never knows what someone will do.

[Daisydooks]

I definitely noticed the difference in you after the first session as well. I'm really proud of you for continuing to come back here even if the things you read are tough to read and even more difficult to stomach/learn from. Staying busy with the people who love you is for sure the best plan of action.  I love the idea of you taking friends dogs out!! Most of them dont get out enough anyhow and I'm sure your friends would say yes to this. 

I was betrayed after 12 years by my ex (who abused alcohol and drugs on top of it - not my point in all this, but added to my willingness to walk almost immediately once I straightened my crown.)

At the end, there were multiple issues and multiple things I was not willing to put up with any more because it hurt me more to stay than it did to leave. His infidelity and the sheer depth in which his deceit went was astounding. Of course it didn't start out that way (we met and started dating when we were in our teens and I left him when I was 28,) but that is where it ended for him and for us.

OW was the person who told me about their affair. He lied to her for about 2 months, and then told her about me and promised they would be together when he figured out how to leave me without it costing him his life, and within a short time, she found a way to contact me. 

 Of course I was angry but she found I was willing to hear her side, I wasnt some evil person who would take anything away from him if he left me, and realized he was playing us both. I didnt take him to the cleaners. I took my purse, my cats, my clothing and my car. Everything else was done through lawyers. He kept the house because he bought the house. I didnt want anything from him other than to leave me alone.  

We actually sat down and spoke quite candidly for hours. She wasn't a bad girl. She was definitely lied to and betrayed as well. She still wanted him, but only if I was out of the picture. Fair enough. I wanted him more when she wasnt in the picture too. Lol. 

I told her to test this out, I'd deliver his things he next time he was over at her place. I told her he wasnt leaving me. I told her he had no intentions of ending anything and that he would always choose me. And he did. 

He found out I knew by showing up to her house with a bag of his stuff. "Surprise! Hunny, I'm here with all your things so you can run off into the sunset with your new girlfriend." She knew I was coming (obviously.) The look of terror on his face. Wow. He had been caught and he panicked and ran to me as I walked out all while completely disregarding her. She was yelling. I didnt say a word. I literally left his stuff at the front door after he knew I was there, didnt say one word, and let them fight it out. He didnt even stay there. He chased me back home to our house. 

All he wanted to do was apologize to me and come home to fix it. He didnt even concern himself with her when I was there. He ran to me, not to her. That was enough for her to realize how much of a lying, cake eating a******* he was because I did exactly as I told her I would, and he proved he was a liar yet again. I gave them what he said he wanted with her and he didnt choose that. I handed him to her with his things and asked that he not come home while I get my things out of the home. I asked for one night. I was gone and never ever have I ever spoken another word to him. 

I literally handed him to her on a silver platter. She thought they would run off together when I arrived with all his things. Surely, she felt he would stay and they could finally be together and he would just let me go because that's all he said he wanted was for me to go away and for them to be together. When he was faced with that reality, it was far from true. He never had any intention of leaving me. He didnt have any intention of remaining loyal. He is single to this day. When things didnt pan out the way she felt they would, she opened her eyes wide. That is how I found myself on LS many moons ago, as a Lurker myself for many years. 

[elaine567]

I agree with Mark, change the locks and make that key obsolete.

[mark clemson]

11 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

All he wanted to do was apologize to me and come home to fix it. He didnt even concern himself with her when I was there. He ran to me, not to her.

Clearly you successfully flipped the script. It is very interesting - the dynamics of this. Doesn't always work but apparently does often enough. Not sure of exact reasons, but you were what he was accustomed to as well as the "safe base of operations" for his adventures. You were never supposed to find out and if you did of course you'd beg him to stay (some do apparently). You walking is a blow to his ego - the opposite of what's "supposed" to happen (in his mind). So it becomes imperative to win you back. Both to heal his ego and to restore the comfortable status quo that was taken for granted. Something like that.

[Daisydooks]

46 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Clearly you successfully flipped the script. It is very interesting - the dynamics of this. Doesn't always work but apparently does often enough. Not sure of exact reasons, but you were what he was accustomed to as well as the "safe base of operations" for his adventures. You were never supposed to find out and if you did of course you'd beg him to stay (some do apparently). You walking is a blow to his ego - the opposite of what's "supposed" to happen (in his mind). So it becomes imperative to win you back. Both to heal his ego and to restore the comfortable status quo that was taken for granted. Something like that.

Nailed it, Mark! He didnt want out. He wanted to eat cake. 

[Lurker123]

Abetterme- thank you- the support in this site really does mean a lot and as I said previously it’s another factor in wanting to stay strong and not give in so I can get on with my life. I want to be one of those posters in a couple of years who can give support and advice based on my experiences the way that everyone on here has helped and encouraged me.

 

Mark- you are correct- although I am sure he won’t do anything, I cannot be 100% certain, so why take the risk. One of my sons friends dads is a locksmith and I have messaged him this morning to ask him to come and sort this out for me. Thank you.
 

Daisy- Again thank you- the IC made a huge difference to me after only one session so I am excited to do more sessions and see where it goes. I’m particularly looking forward to updating him on Monday as to what has happened this week and hoping he can offer me support in going forward. I was incredibly saddened to read your story, but amazed at how completely strong you were during that time! I always like hearing about others past experiences as it sheds light on how they can give guidance having gone through this themselves. The fact you can still come on here and give support and compassion to OW after being betrayed yourself says a lot about you as a person and I am so grateful to hear your story. Did you ever hear anything from OW again and did your H try and make contact with her again? I am not surprised to hear he is still single to this very day!!  

[Lurker123]

Having a real down day today. Tired and stressed and feeling lonely. I got into the shower and just sobbed. It’s finally sinking in that this is over this time. I haven’t got his number which I’m so glad about as I know I would be so tempted to message and just say I miss him and I hate this. I’ve been so strong this last week and a half and today I’m not. I’m going to have an early night and hope to wake feeling better in the morning. Any ideas when it stops feeling like this- does it ever? I know this is the right thing, but today it doesn’t feel like it is  

[preraph]

It will be up and down, but stay strong and you will have a fresh canvas to work with.  Really think about what direction you want your life to take during this time.  

[AriesMan83]

Lurker 123,

Congratulations on staying strong.Remember,your goal is indifference towards MM.With time and constant NC(physical and mental) you will reach that goal.Don't give him space in your head.  

Are you in IC??

IC will help you in understanding your thought process and in changing it for your personal growth.

I would also suggest you to read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass to have a better understanding about affairs..

Edited January 17, 2020 by AriesMan83

[AriesMan83]

Lurker 123,

You are actually not missing him.You are mising how the affair made you feel.You are missing the validation and the ego boost that you received during your affair.

[BlindsidedTwice]

On 1/16/2020 at 3:42 PM, Lurker123 said:

Having a real down day today. Tired and stressed and feeling lonely. I got into the shower and just sobbed. It’s finally sinking in that this is over this time.

I remember those days myself. I remember those showers. You are in the worst of it, but it can get better.

 

On 1/16/2020 at 3:42 PM, Lurker123 said:

Any ideas when it stops feeling like this- does it ever?

It gets better very slowly and you barely realize it's happening... until you look back to where you once were. It took me about 4 months of NC, IC, and a whole lot of healing techniques to start feeling better. Now at 6 months out, I am feeling like myself again - like a stronger version of myself. I don't think about my xMM nearly as often as I used to, and when I do, it's with a new dullness that doesn't stab at my heart.

A few healing techniques that have helped me significantly: IC, exercising, spending time outside, reading, journaling, being with safe female friends, and... for me, letting myself sit with the pain of what I'd done. Sometimes the grief and guilt would come over me so strongly and I would just go with it.  One time I was folding laundry and felt I was about to have a really bad moment. I laid on my bed and cried. I cried as hard as I could. And then when it was over, I got back up and continued folding laundry. I let the emotion come, I felt it deeply, and then I let it go. 

Things will get better. Hang in there. Take care of yourself.

 

[NomiMalone]

Lurker, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a down day. I feel your pain. I’ve been there. 

One thing that helped me stick with NC was reminding myself that going back to xMM would just mean that I was delaying the pain of leaving him. Yes, getting back with him would make all the horrible pain go away.... for a few days, until you realise, once again, that nothing would change from his end, and you find yourself back in the living hell of waiting for crumbs, again. And so you’ll have to leave him, again, and start NC at day 1, again. If you go back to him now, the pain you’ve endured since you left him, and all the progress you’ve made would’ve been for nothing. Might as well stick with NC now once and for all, and just keep going. 

Like Blindsided Twice said, it gets better, and before you know it, you’ll be glad you got rid of MM from your life.

Hang in there and keep posting to let us know how you’re going. Hugs x

 

 

 

[Lurker123]

Thanks everyone and sorry for the delayed reply I’ve had a crazy weekend! 
 

As always your posts uplifted me and reminded me I’m not alone in all of this. I’ve said it many times before but posting on here has been a massive factor in helping me get through this. 
 

I am now in IC, I’ve had 2 sessions so far, third tomorrow. It’s been a huge eye opener for lots of things. I will also try some of the recommendation above by blindsided. I am already getting out the house more to go to the gym and am starting my degree in February so am hoping I will be too busy to even think about MM anymore! 
 

Nomi I totally agree with what you’ve said- going back will only delay the inevitable. I know this and have to keep telling myself this! I think I would have messaged him this weekend if I had his number- I just want to ask all the questions why, and was I so completely easy to forget and move on from, but I know I will never get honest answers- and actually why do I need to know? It won’t make this any easier or change anything. I’m really hoping time is a healer... there have been a few moments here and there where I haven’t actually thought of him- so hopefully these will become more and more frequent. 

[Lurker123]

Hello everyone. I haven’t posted in a while for various reasons. Firstly I’ve been in IC which ended a couple of weeks ago. It was helpful in building my self confidence but hadn’t really changed how I felt about MM which is what I wanted it to do.

After we met in January and agreed what we did, I began to feel stronger. I can’t say I forgot about MM but he was pushed to the back of my mind more and I started to focus on other things. We had small communications here and there and every time I reiterated that for my own self worth I wanted to keep things amicable and I was happy to be ‘friends’ but nothing more. He did push a few times to come and see me but I said no. Anyways fast forward to last week when we were forced to come face to face for a work event. It was a bit of a drunken affair and we ended up spending the whole evening chatting and laughing and I admit it was great. We had the odd occasional message since and then yesterday he said he had to speak to me and being the fool that I am- I agreed to it. It was very strange. Admittedly I have never seen him how he was today. Massively emotional, very distraught and I could tell just in a general mess. He told me his head has been a complete mess for the last few weeks, that he has been non stop thinking and weighing everything up and just doesn’t know where to go from here. He said he can’t stand being just ‘my friend’ and wants more with me, but had no idea where to go or how to sort his situation out. He said he would never ask me to wait. But given his current state of mind and the fact he has been honest and told me he is seriously considering his options could I give him the benefit of the doubt and not give up on him just yet? He then told me he is going away for the week with BS and would try and think everything over whilst he has some space and is away from the stresses of work etc. 
 

I’ve not come on here looking for sympathy - I know so many of you have been here before and it never ends any differently. I feel massively upset by all of this and it’s really rocked me when I felt in such a good place only a few days ago! It’s so difficult because I care about this person so much, hate seeing him hurting and wish I could help, but I know I have to put myself first and just forget about this. Any advice on how to pull myself away from this again? And yes I know I am idiot, should have stuck with NC and never should have agreed to see him, but it’s easier said than done as we all know... 

[Poppy's sister]

Sorry to read your update.. I am. Nine yrs.. In... And got the same.. Narrative.. "I don't know what I want my heads a mess but its not because of you, I don't want a break from us" 

 

Basically can you sit on the subs bench.. In your case while I go away w my wife for a week. 

Oh please don't put yourself through it.. Imagine the week.. Imagine going back to all those thoughts of him and her together.. Laughing, talking, having meals together, having sex.. 

It will be torture. 

I am sure he is desperately confused and a mess... But in the end that's his problem not yours 

[elaine567]

On 8/27/2019 at 9:55 PM, Lurker123 said:

Anyway, fast forward to today- first time we had seen each other in 6 weeks, he pretty much begged to come round, even though he had a very limited window of time (no changes there) he turned up, pretty much did the deed, jumped in the shower and left! No message after.. nothing. I even remember him looking st his watch half way through. I honestly feel completely sick to my stomach. I think today it’s completely hit home for me how much he has disrespected me over the last 10 months and worse- how I’ve disrespected myself.

He threw a pity party and you are now hooked...
Read the above words you wrote in August, again and again and again... 

Edited March 10, 2020 by elaine567

[BaileyB]

I think reading so many of these posts, what I’ve come to understand is that the OW’s greatest strength, their empathy, is also often their downfall.

Every. single. OW says some version of the same “I understand that it’s all about him. I understand that it’s unlikely he will never leave. I understand that he is using me, and I allow it. But...” And then, the excuses begin - I don’t want to see him hurt. He wants to do better and I want to help him get there. He is so unhappy, and I don’t want him to be unhappy. He needs me. He can’t do this alone. And on, and on, it goes...

These men see your empathy, and they play off it. They may not even have to try very hard because we women tend to do this in so many ways - with our husbands, or children, our friends. But in the dynamic of an affair, it seems to take a whole new level - with women who can’t seem to walk away, even when men come back after extended absences... He sings the same tune and you are drawn back into that same codependent dynamic. 

Ultimately, it relates to boundaries. But, there seems to be a pattern on this board of men who drop in, play their sad song, and women who - with great empathy - will do anything for him - even at the expense of their own well being.

 

Edited March 10, 2020 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

Girl he told he'd be thinking about you while he was away with his WIFE for a week?  It's so sad just how hard he DOESN'T have to try.  

 

[Lurker123]

Thanks everyone. Bailey- I agree. However much we block contact/pretend they don’t exist/ignore them- if you have loved someone, then it is truly difficult to turn away from them when they’re reaching out to you- even when you know it’s to your own detriment. Even harder so when you are an empathetic person by nature. The most ridiculous thing about this whole scenario is I KNOW he won’t leave- I’ve been here too many times before and even though this time feels different, I do know deep down it’s not. I see a lot of OW struggle to move on and meet someone else, because we tend to compare other men and potential partners to OM. This is something I have found myself doing constantly. I am not yet ready to date, but have been asked out and friends have tried to set me up etc. and I can’t explain how currently, the thought of being with another man makes me feel physically sick. I’m really hoping that will pass with time because I don’t want to be alone forever- but how do we meet someone and not compare them to OM? I do it subconsciously without even realising!

Elaine- I remember that post well- trust me. I remember typing it and the pain and hurt I felt at that time. I am trying to tap back into that. 
 

I am stronger than I was 6 months ago, it no longer consumes me constantly, but there are still moments when it does. I go with the flow when they do and then I give myself a talking to and try and move on. Today when he left I was gutted, but not because he had left, more about what he said. I also felt a bit of anger- mostly towards myself for being a constant mug and accepting this and still loving him. 
 

I am not sure what the next few weeks will bring. I just hope I can keep getting stronger and pull myself away from this once and for all. 

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

Bailey- I agree. However much we block contact/pretend they don’t exist/ignore them- if you have loved someone, then it is truly difficult to turn away from them when they’re reaching out to you- even when you know it’s to your own detriment. Even harder so when you are an empathetic person by nature. 

Just to be clear, I’m not saying this is a good thing. I am a very empathetic person too, but if a man takes some advantage of me in this way - I would wish him well and walk away, never to go back again.

The question for you becomes - why do you not do this? Why, when he does his very familiar song and dance, do you buy it time and time again? Why is it that you feel “when you love someone, you must allow them into your life even if it’s to your own detriment?” Why do you not understand that you can love someone, you can have empathy for them, you can wish them well from afar... but you can also have a healthy boundary such that that person is not a part of your life, exactly because it is in YOUR best interest. 

Just because he gives you the song and dance doesn’t mean that you have to fall for it, time and again, and again... You have control here...

Edited March 10, 2020 by BaileyB

[Lurker123]

Today has been impossible. I’m at my wits end and I know all of this is my own fault but I just don’t know how to stay strong anymore. I really have tried everything, I’ve tried no contact, blocking, ignoring, friendzoning but still I can’t escape him. I love him and when he gives me false hope it brings me down, because I know it’s false, but there’s this stupid little voice at the back of head that says ‘but what if this time it’s different’ and then I start freaking out and thinking what if this time I give it a chance and really listen to what he’s telling me and maybe finally everything I’ve wanted will happen. I KNOW it won’t, I’m fighting every urge in my whole body to give in, I’m staying strong but I want to just break down and say- I’m here, I will wait and that I love him.

can ANY ex (or current MM) give any kind of insight into this?? Why keep coming back to the same person over and over if you have no intention of it ever being something real? Why not give up and work on your marriage and when you are being pushed away daily for weeks at a time- why keep coming back and saying you love her, you can’t live without her, you need her? Why? What do you get out of it? Tell me honestly because I need to know. 
 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

On 7/3/2019 at 4:54 PM, Lurker123 said:

@secretgal- you are so right. I think women definitely strive for happiness way more and are perhaps looking for the fairytale ending-hence why we are quicker to act and try and sort things out.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you’ve managed to resolve it and find happiness. Again I agree by bringing a third party into a marriage where there are issues doesn’t resolve anything. In my head it’s always been case of either we work at it or we end it.

 

I don’t regret ending my marriage. I regret acting the way I did during and being the person I was. I do still love my husband, but in a different way. I have complete respect for him we still get on very well. I do miss him, but it’s mostly in the evenings when I am bored and lonely, not because I miss our relationship.

 

I think MM may have been more in love with the idea of me than anything else. I think if he tries to end things with his wife it would come as a complete shock to her and perhaps he would then get a dose of reality- which makes me think perhaps it wouldn’t have worked with us in the long term anyways.

it's fantasy. the idea of being in love... or mebbe it's a rationale for acting so badly... to justify it all.

in the end, though... reality will always open the eyes of all parties...  and when reality hits, most of the time, the fantasy ends... but some a very very very very very very very select few, the new reality becomes real.. did i mention "very"?