So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry, but a man who texts only during working hours and has a “no te ting after 6 pm and on the weekends rule” is making his priorities pretty clear... you are in his life - at his convenience. The fact that you have thrown caution to the wind to divorce your husband and entertain fantasies that you will someday be together is totally on you...

 

It’s not surprising that you are now seeing your husband for the kind, loving, supportive man that he is - the life partner with whom you have spent your married life. What’s not fair to him is withholding the whole truth because it does not benefit you to be completely honest and then leaning on him for emotional support. Either you are in that marriage or you are out - and you made the decision to be out so you need to do the kind thing and learn to stand on your own... let this man move forward with his own life while you sort your own problems out.

[Lurker123]

Thank you for the replies. Always nice to get some honest responses. Firstly, I am not looking to reconcile with my ex husband, we have remained close and friends since the split, we have children together and spend a lot of time together. The point I was merely making, was that when I did breakdown, he was there for me, and it made me realise and regret a lot of things and I think this is what put the final nail in the coffin with MM. It is easy for people to judge, but we all came to this page for a reason, and mine is that I can be completely honest and open and get feedback from people who have been in a similar position.

 

We don’t choose who we fall for. I do know it was wrong, but sometimes when you are lonely and down, the attention is welcomed and it does lead to more. I never entered this wanting to fall for someone. I didn’t think it would go past one night, let alone still be here almost a year later.

 

I will stay strong with the NC and will get myself together before entering into anything else.

[DKT3]

Yeah you do choose who you fall for. Had you been protecting your marriage and held boundaries you would not be in this position. You made choices and those choices lead to you being involved with a married man. Own it

[Amethyst68]

We don’t choose who we fall for. I do know it was wrong, but sometimes when you are lonely and down, the attention is welcomed and it does lead to more. I never entered this wanting to fall for someone. I didn’t think it would go past one night, let alone still be here almost a year later.

 

I hate this type of reasoning, no - we can't help who we are attracted to BUT every decision make after that a conscious choice! Not to mention a moral one... Everything you did, you did because you wanted to, it was not some ill-fated romance!

[mark clemson]

I did what I’ve been meaning to do for months... wrote everything down in a text, told him it was 100% over and not to contact me and then immediately blocked him on everything. Straight after I did it I felt sick, but I know it’s the right thing to do. I feel awful that it’s ended like this, but I don’t feel like there was any other way? Please tell me I’ve done the right thing as I’m waking up this morning feel horrible about it all!

 

Yes, believe you did the right thing in doing this.

 

 

I will stay strong with the NC and will get myself together before entering into anything else.

 

Sounds like a reasonable plan. "Getting yourself together" may take a lot longer than you'd like, so just be prepared for that.

[Lurker123]

DKT3- I do ‘own It’. I know what I did was wrong, I’ve never denied that. I’m not making myself out to be a victim here- far from it! I have no one to be accountable to but myself now though. Yes my marriage ended and yes, I feel awful about that- but it’s not something I can go back and change. The MM and the affair- do I feel bad about that? Yes of course, but it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to hurt at the moment. I am human and can’t just cut off my feelings overnight. Strangely though, I do feel more in control since initiating the NC, and it’s made it easier to bear than previous times.

 

Thank you Mark. I appreciate your support and words. You’ve always been kind and offered good advice.

 

If I could turn back the clock and see myself now a year ago, then I wold never have let this begin. The most smallest comment triggered this whole situation and set this whole thing in motion. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though...

[S2B]

So do I just block with no explanation? That just feels as awful as what he did to me?! He has my work email, I just don’t want him then emailing me on that demanding an explanation and making it awkward. I can’t block him from that either because we have connection through work so would raise massive suspicions with colleagues if I did! How do I ever escape this?

 

Mark I haven’t really tried to move on. I’ve been on a couple of dates because people were asking questions why I was single and moaning I was lonely the whole time and then turning down perfectly good guys. Definitely haven’t been burning through them though- quite the opposite!

 

I guess I’m just so scared I’m making a massive mistake in walking away from this. I know deep inside it’s the right thing to do though.

 

Yes! Just block him now!!!

 

You owe him NO explanation!

[DKT3]

DKT3- I do ‘own It’. I know what I did was wrong, I’ve never denied that. I’m not making myself out to be a victim here- far from it! I have no one to be accountable to but myself now though. Yes my marriage ended and yes, I feel awful about that- but it’s not something I can go back and change.

 

The MM and the affair- do I feel bad about that? Yes of course, but it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to hurt at the moment. I am human and can’t just cut off my feelings overnight. Strangely though, I do feel more in control since initiating the NC, and it’s made it easier to bear than previous times.

 

I'm not talking own that the affair was wrong, that goes without saying. I talking that you chose to engage.

 

Just a few weeks ago we hired a very attractive woman, in a conversation with her, I found her becoming more attractive. Honestly, we are human and that is normal. Understanding how these things work I've done two things since. One I told my wife about this woman and secondly I have had absolutely no contact with her. No small talk, no long glances. Nothing. That's how you protect your marriage.

 

Would you say I didn't go looking for it or I was helpless in 3 months if I had fallen for her If I chose to engage her every opportunity I had? If I went out of my way to find ways to be around her?

 

these are the choices you made long before you were "in love"...that is what I saying you need to own. You did look for this, it didn't just happen, you didnt just fall for this guy, you made it happen.

Edited October 9, 2019 by DKT3

[Lurker123]

This thread has probably been started hundreds of times, but if even one person reads this and that stops them going through the heartache that I have for the past year...then it will be worth it. This isn’t a post for self pity- I know I deserve the judgemental comments, but to anyone who is thinking of, or who has just started out being the OW...don’t do it. It will be the saddest, most gut wrenching thing you will ever go through. I have been through every emotion possible, desire, love, euphoria, sadness, despair, heartbreak, grief, hate, anger and pain, not necessarily in that order and often each one more than once. Funny also how it was easier for me to think of more negative emotions than positive ones, probably because those are the ones that have featured most.

 

The affair has taken over my life, destroyed my marriage and seen me neglect family, friends and my work, all because I have put him in front of anything else. I have no idea why, it’s like a drug I am addicted to. I can see myself from the outside looking in and I hate myself for it, I have lost all respect for myself but I can’t stop, I don’t know how and trust me I have tried. Sometimes I envy BW, not because of the reasons you would think, but because she is oblivious to all of this and doesn’t have to go through this emotional rollercoaster on a daily basis and likely will never have to.

 

I write this one one of the lowest days I have ever had. One of those days where I have just stood in the shower and sobbed, knowing that this is all of my own doing and I could change this if I had the strength, but I just don’t.

 

So please if you are thinking of entering into an EA, all I can say is remember this post and don’t do it.

[Secretgal34]

What is going on in your life right now I remember your original post a lot as happened with me as well since I last posted I remember that you were having an a you and your husband split up and he would not leave his wife? Have you gotten divorced are you still with married man is he still not leaving his wife?

[vla1120]

It takes a lot of courage for you to come out and post this. I give you a lot of credit. Having been the BW on more than one occasion, I can understand why you envy her for her lack of knowledge about the situation. Just let me say however, on D-day, the blow is crushing and shocking for the BW.

 

Does your husband know? Do you want to save your marriage/family?

 

As hard as it might be for you, the only thing you can do is go completely NC with the OM and block him. Is that a possibility or do you work with him? Even if you work with him, it might take more strength, but you CAN go NC.

 

Finally, I disagree that you don't have the strength to fix/change this. First, start by seeking individual counseling to help you move forward without the OM and decide if you want to save your marriage and your family.

 

You can do this. Reach deep down and find that strength.

[vla1120]

I had to go back and read some more about your history. You CAN do this. You might feel lost and hopeless right now, but you will always deserve better than to be someone else's second choice. Just get through this one day at a time and do not go backwards.

[Lurker123]

Thank you both. Vla especially if you have been the BW previously, I appreciate your comments. I can’t even imagine how crushing it must be to find your husband has been cheating, so I am in no way saying that BW is at an advantage. I left my H two months into the EA. Things had not been good for a while, but the moment I realised that I felt more for MM than I did him was the moment I knew I couldn’t continue. Things are amicable between us and we are on friendly terms.

 

MM blows very hot and cold. He never ignores me, but he will spend one week gushing about how it will all be worth it in the end and the next very distant and me not being able to get much from him, which of course causes massive confusion. I have blocked previously, but he always reaches out via work email which I can’t block him on as we are connected though work. Once I read his messages, I feel sympathy and awful that I’ve made him feel that way and message back and so the cycle begins again.. I think my head has accepted this is going nowhere. I do not think he will ever leave BW. His excuse is their child, but I know this is not a valid excuse. I think a lot of men do love BW, but if they can have someone on the side extra who accepts the position, then why wouldn’t they? I have been more vocal recently and voiced my unhappiness which I think has caused him to feel uncomfortable and withdraw.

 

I am hoping to start counselling sessions next week as the worst part of this whole situation has not being able to talk to anyone for obvious reasons.

 

I have fallen into depression because of the EA. I do read a lot of posts on here form ladies and men who appear similar and it is so sad. I do hope that my post will stop even one person falling into that pit of despair.

[mark clemson]

If it's limerence, rather than just severe breakup blues, that is causing your distress, be aware that it normally does fade. This takes a long time, unfortunately, but eventually your brain develops "tolerance" (presumably this is similar to drug tolerance, so your brain produces fewer dopamine receptors). It does take months and months, but it DOES eventually happen/get better. (There seem to be an unlucky few whose brains don't adjust or who for some other reason don't get over it, but that is rare.) Breakup blues normally fade/decrease eventually too.

 

Hot/cold interaction styles tend to increase "neediness" in some partners. Guess that's you, unfortunately.

 

Since he used work emails, you presumably always have the option to "go nuclear" should you need it (ie, show the emails to HR). I'm not suggesting you DO that, but you have the option. If it were me, I would have the other job in the bag before doing anything like that, as IME HR isn't always actually working towards your best interests.

[Secretgal34]

I went through similar feelings. I’ve gone through feelings of self doubt like there was something wrong with me and it was my fault. After mine me and my husband separated as well but for reasons having nothing to do with it. It happened 2 months after the emotional A ended. We got back together after 2 months of being split then MM came back. Not sure why after 4 months he did but because of this site and everyone stories nothing happened and we are currently not speaking. He had no intention of leaving and I don’t want to wreck his family or mine. I’m not mad or anything like I was before it has just made me feel bad but I accept it. My husband isn’t perfect but he’s there so your words are helpful and I’m glad you posted.

[pepperbird]

op,

are you a "fixer"? The kind of person who has a soft heart and wants to help? if so, that could be how hes trying dragging you back in.

The thing is, you can't fix him because he doesn't want to be "fixed". Not really. He's happy having both you and his wife cater to his ego, and very time you let your heart rule your head, he gets another little boost.

 

In and of itself, a boost to your self esteem isn't a bad thing, but in his case, it;s coming at the expense of at last two other people. You make him feel good, but it sure doesn't sound to me as if he's making you feel all that wonderful.

 

What is it in you that makes this okay, or at last makes you stick around? Why do you put yourself in a position where you say you don't even feel good yourself just so he can be happy? Why do his feelings matter more to you than your own?

[BaileyB]

I don’t post this to make you feel badly, but your post brings to mind the famous quote by Henry Ford - “Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you are correct.”

 

You will simply not be able to move past this affair if you continue to tell yourself that you can not do it. Change your narrative, change your life.

[Allupinnit]

I'm afraid that unless and until you can go complete NC you will keep failing at this until you are over him, which you are not.

 

The only solution is for you to find another job. I'm sorry. I know that finding a new job totally sucks, but don't talk yourself into staying for reasons you know are not worth your sanity. It really is the only way. This isn't the only job out there. You have sacrificed everything you held dear to you because of your proximity to this person. There is everything in your life at stake.

 

I honestly believe you will be surprised how quickly you will heal and move on from this once you can completely block him out of your life and move toward new challenges and relationships.

 

Pick yourself up and try again and remember that it's easiest to look for a job when you already have one. And for your own mental health and overall well-being this is an absolute MUST.

[Lurker123]

Thank you everyone for your words! It’s appreciated more than you will know. I’ve just woken up and still feel miserable, but marginally less than yesterday after reading some of the posts in response on here. A few things went through my head last night that I couldn’t figure out and I wondered if anyone was the same. Firstly the insecurity followed by the despair and anger seems to happen when MM pulls away slightly. I can only equate it to a loss of power on my part. The times when I feel my best are when he is constantly messaging me, begging to see me, getting paranoid about me not answering his messages etc. Does that make me a bad person or does anyone else have these feelings? It’s very odd, but I hate not being in control of the A. Secondly I wondered why MM do blow hot and cold so much or is it our own paranoia that leads us to think they are. My MM has been insistent that he has been no different this week, but I have pushed and pushed to get him to admit things have been, (dragging myself down in the process) with still no success other than causing a massive argument.

 

Lastly, I think the one thing that keeps me hanging on is the fear. The fear that the moment I end this will be the moment he was sitting there thinking he needs to leave BW and as soon as he gets ‘the message’ or realises he’s blocked he will realise that actually that was the wrong decision and how he had a lucky escape and there will be no turning back. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, but I have been torturing myself all night and searching for answers and was interested to see if anyone felt likewise.

 

In response to the messages about my work- I would love to leave but I am extremely well paid for the job I do. I am a single mother heading towards Christmas who is already struggling with money. I also work with a group of friends who have been supportive and I’m not sure I couldn’t be around each day. The only time I actually forget about EA is when I am at work! I barely have contact with MM through work- I was just pointing out that if I blocked- that is the one way he can reach me. We also have no HR department and he does not work for the same company so not sure reporting him would make much difference.

[S2B]

You are correct - any demands and expectations on your end will normally cause Mm to create distance.

 

It’s a subtle punishment so you get used to less - expect less - and settle for less from him.

 

MM rarely leave, why would they - they have both as long as you stay quiet and compliant. Compliant is key - that’s why he creates distance when you complain.

[pepperbird]

op,

he's doing the "hot and cold" dance to keep you hooked. That happens is many relationships, not just affairs.

 

the person gives you just enough positives to keep you around and believe he is a good guy, really cares, this time, things will be different, then once he senses you're back on the line, he blows cold. You're left thinking that if you just did better, were kinder, more understanding,whatever, the good guy will come back. They can have you believing must be your fault, because he's such a great guy, but you've pushed him too far:rolleyes:

 

 

 

It's like a one way ticket for a ride on a hamster wheel, always running but never really getting anywhere. You end up exhausted and no further than when you began.

[BaileyB]

I think the one thing that keeps me hanging on is the fear. The fear that the moment I end this will be the moment he was sitting there thinking he needs to leave BW and as soon as he gets ‘the message’ or realises he’s blocked he will realise that actually that was the wrong decision and how he had a lucky escape and there will be no turning back.

 

Ah, the old sunk cost fallacy... You are afraid that you will lose the time invested and the opportunity to be with this guy if you leave him - never once asking yourself the most important question - why do you want to be with a man who could be so hurtful to another human being? And by that, I mean both yourself and his wife. Have you considered the fact that the guy you are hanging onto and waiting for is not a very good guy - he is no catch.

 

Besides, he has a young daughter and he has given you no indication that he intends to leave his wife. You are waiting for something that simply is not going to happen.

Edited November 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

It's like a one way ticket for a ride on a hamster wheel, always running but never really getting anywhere. You end up exhausted and no further than when you began.

 

The only person who can decide to get off the hamper wheel is OP. How tired of this are you OP? You continue to get on the hamster wheel hoping that it is going to end in an actual destination, where you can rest and enjoy the company of some other hamsters. But, you just keep going around and around. The person who decides to get on/off the wheel is you. How tired are you?

[DKT3]

OP you have alot invested in this affair, you have given up your marriage, I'm sure a better financial situation all for something that I'm sure at least part of you knew would fail.

 

Your investment makes it hard to let go.

 

Worse part is you will still have to deal with your marriage ending which at some point will hit you really hard...not now because your focus is on MM.

 

Once you've really reached your limit getting out will be much easier then it seems now.

[BaileyB]

OP you have alot invested in this affair, you Have given up your marriage.

 

Your investment makes it hard to let go.

 

Worse part is you will still have to deal with your marriage ending which at some point will hit you really hard...not now because your focus is on MM..

 

This is it. Letting go of this man means that you have to deal with so many other things...