So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Lurker....

What you are experiencing is par for the course unfortunately.     I think that some men really believe in that moment that they can't live without you, that they love you more than anything and that is what propels them to think that they can break free from their marriage.   When the reality hits them (the hurt they are causing their family), they are unable to follow through.   Then begins the pullback, followed by time away, followed by "I can't live without you", then they cycle starts all over again.

My xMM had done this 3 times.  On the 3rd time, he had a decisive plan.  We really started talking about a future (things he had never said before).   But then as the date approached when he was supposed to have the conversation (a date he picked...I had never given an ultimatum) and I saw him starting to pump the brakes again.  It came down to him not being able to follow through with his plan.  A huge part of me understands it...it is not easy to walk away from a marriage and all of the affects it has on everyone (him not living with his child anymore on a full-time basis).  For me and my ex-husband, it took us several times to finally follow through with our divorce and that was a really unhealthy relationship.   

After things crashed again, I told him I was getting off of the roller coaster for good and that I was going to make this the best year ever for me and my kids.  We ended things civilly and our last words to each other were I love you.   That was 2 months ago.   We did talk briefly a few weeks ago (nothing too heavy...more of an emotional release).   I will not lie, it has been hell.   This break up is truly different this time.   He knows he can't leave his marriage, and he knows I won't continue on the way things were.  So, there is nothing else to do but to let each other go.   

Like you, I miss him and I love him.    It is a huge void to fill and i have yet to find a way to stop thinking about him and how it ended, but I am continuing to work on it.   And of course I have thoughts of how could he say all of those things one day and here we are, not speaking at all.    All I can say is that is how they feel in the moment, but when the reality of it comes into focus, they just can't do it.

We can all be each other's cautionary tale.  I know you want to think it will be different this time, and who knows, maybe it will.   BUT, you need to guard your heart.   The best thing to do is to let him go and let him figure out what he needs to do.  Let his marriage thrive or die on it's own merit.    

In the meantime, you are probably wondering how to get through the next couple of months....I wish I had an answer for that because I am still making my way through.  I go to IC once a week. I started going back to church.  And I have some amazing friends who listen to me cry on a regular basis.    Like you, I can't bring myself to date anyone else right now.  I am hoping with time, we can love someone just the way we loved our xMM.  And it will be a healthy relationship, built on a strong foundation free of the shackles that come with being in and affair.   

Hang in there!!!!

[Beca L]

15 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

After things crashed again, I told him I was getting off of the roller coaster for good and that I was going to make this the best year ever for me and my kids.  We ended things civilly and our last words to each other were I love you.   That was 2 months ago.   We did talk briefly a few weeks ago (nothing too heavy...more of an emotional release).   I will not lie, it has been hell.   This break up is truly different this time.   He knows he can't leave his marriage, and he knows I won't continue on the way things were.  So, there is nothing else to do but to let each other go.   

Like you, I miss him and I love him.    It is a huge void to fill and i have yet to find a way to stop thinking about him and how it ended, but I am continuing to work on it.   And of course I have thoughts of how could he say all of those things one day and here we are, not speaking at all.    All I can say is that is how they feel in the moment, but when the reality of it comes into focus, they just can't do it.

We can all be each other's cautionary tale.  I know you want to think it will be different this time, and who knows, maybe it will.   BUT, you need to guard your heart.   The best thing to do is to let him go and let him figure out what he needs to do.  Let his marriage thrive or die on it's own merit.    

 

Such a brilliant response. I hear you and @Lurker123 you are not alone. I’m also in NC (13weeks) after finally getting the courage to walk away. @notmyfinestmoment Your comments made me cry because you describe how I feel and I share the same sentiments. 
I agree you need to guard your heart and let him go and figure out his own marriage. He should be fighting for you and respecting his BS by ending his marriage correctly. We all deserve so much better. 

 

21 minutes ago, notmyfinestmoment said:

In the meantime, you are probably wondering how to get through the next couple of months....I wish I had an answer for that because I am still making my way through.

Same here, you just have to take each day and keep going. The first few days, weeks are the hardest. Try not to think about him on holiday, you don’t want to torture yourself and you don’t really know what is going on. 
I would try and keep NC. Until he’s officially separated/divorced he’s really in no position to be in any sort of relationship with you. I know that’s hard to hear but he will keep using you if you let him. Don’t be his emotional crutch, he has a wife for that. 
Keep posting, we are here for support. 🙂

[MadlyDeeply]

Hello to you all, first time for me here but feel like i know you all cause been reading and reading over last few months! I have no advice as I'm still on my rollercoaster with my mm also m myself with two young children. I just wanted to congratulate you for making those first steps as I know I need to do the same but as weak as it sounds I can't pull away as I'm so deeply in love. I'm risking so much for him it's unbelievable. I know you are all in love too but you are still managing to do the right thing. We really do deserve so much better. All our mms must think we are so weak and stupid to put up with what we get from them! It's so easy for them to tell us they love us to keep us attached to them! Why do we put up with it. 

[notmyfinestmoment]

@MadlyDeeply  We all start off that way.... reading each other's posts from afar until we are ready to share our stories.  It is scary how many of us are out there, isn't it?   I was so grateful to have found this board as a means of support.   We were all where you were at some point...not able to pull away because of the deep love and connection we feel.   It takes most of us several stops and starts to finally be able to do it.    And even then, when we do get the courage to pull away, a whole new version of pain starts.    That is one of the things that they don't tell you, sometimes the pain from the healing hurts more.  The good news is that kind of pain is temporary (that is what they tell me anyway ;-).  The pain when you are in the affair doesn't go away...it only gets worse the longer you are in it.  So removing yourself from it is the better shot at finding happiness again.   Only you will know when you can find the strength to walk away.   Sometimes it is at your discretion (which is the better route to go), but other times it is at theirs or even worse, after a D-day.   

Hang in there!  We are here for support if you need us!

[MadlyDeeply]

Hello Lurker123 my god i can feel your pain, how are you feeling today hope you are having a better day? How do we all get in this terrible mess, it's hard to remember what life used to be like when we were happy. Notmyfinestmoment is right there are so many of us. We all fall under their spell and just want to believe them so much when we know really it is pointless, why do we waste so much time and energy! Bet they don't waste all their time thinking about us! I think we need to see them for what they really are, because we are so in love and so attracted to them we can't see how bad they are, need to see somebody's heart! I think if they really loved us they wouldn't treat us like this. I will write my story soon.  

Thank you so much notmyfinestmoment, I'm going to need all the help and support I can grab once I get the strength to leave the rollercoaster. 

[notmyfinestmoment]

Something my sister pointed out to me....   

When I said "why did he do this to me again"?  She said, "I think you need to be asking yourself why did I let him do this to me again".      Some true words there.    Definitely a good time to reflect on what in us would allow this behavior.   One is lack of healthy boundaries...and that could be from many things.   Some of us are broken by bad previous relationships, others by bad childhoods...    The important thing to do now is identify it so we can fix it and not make the same unhealthy choices again.   I know for me, I was in an unhealthy marriage (took me a while to realize he was a Narc) and I finally broke free.  I had been single for 10 years, raising 3 kids and didn't date much.   When my relationship with my xMM started to evolve, I had a hard time pushing it away because I had been longing for a connection like that for so long.   

I saw a movie once with a line I couldn't forget.   It said "They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand."   That is us.....we drank the sand!!!   

The good news is that we can take control and move forward.  It will be painful (honestly, it is SOOOO painful), but I have to hope that time does heal and we can move onto healthier relationships with better partners.   You know.....after our throats have healed from drinking all of that sand!  LOL!

 

Edited March 12, 2020 by notmyfinestmoment
typo

[JimmyNorth]

22 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said:

Bet they don't waste all their time thinking about us!

I was an MM. I constantly thought of my ow. It took nearly 4 years for me to wake up, but I finally did and divorced my BS. 

[Lurker123]

Thanks everyone for your messages and insights after my mini melt down! MM is now away and I guess will be back at some point next week. I’ve had one message and I doubt will get many more as he’ll be with BS and off course- he can’t risk getting caught now can he?!

 

@notmyfinestmoment- thank you for your posts and support- you are always insightful and kind. I know you have been through similar many times and I’m sorry to hear how things ended this time. Sometimes it makes it harder when things on a positive note because it makes it more difficult to let go and move on. Do you think you will here from MM again? 
 

@MadlyDeeply- I am ok- I have good days and bad days. Today is not good as I want to reach out to MM and I want to sort this all out- but I can’t because he is away with his family. I know when he gets back I need to speak to him frankly about all of this- I know the time has come for me to stop this rollercoaster. The truth is it’s easier said than done and I personally have been here many times before and I hate myself for it. Just when I start to feel better he comes into my life in some shape or form and I’m back to square one. It would be great to hear your story when you are ready to tell it...

@JimmyNorth- thank you for your comment. Are you still with OW now? Why did it take you so longer to leave BS? Sorry for the questions it is just interesting to have a MM perspective on all of this... 

[JimmyNorth]

5 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Thanks everyone for your messages and insights after my mini melt down! MM is now away and I guess will be back at some point next week. I’ve had one message and I doubt will get many more as he’ll be with BS and off course- he can’t risk getting caught now can he?!

 

@notmyfinestmoment- thank you for your posts and support- you are always insightful and kind. I know you have been through similar many times and I’m sorry to hear how things ended this time. Sometimes it makes it harder when things on a positive note because it makes it more difficult to let go and move on. Do you think you will here from MM again? 
 

@MadlyDeeply- I am ok- I have good days and bad days. Today is not good as I want to reach out to MM and I want to sort this all out- but I can’t because he is away with his family. I know when he gets back I need to speak to him frankly about all of this- I know the time has come for me to stop this rollercoaster. The truth is it’s easier said than done and I personally have been here many times before and I hate myself for it. Just when I start to feel better he comes into my life in some shape or form and I’m back to square one. It would be great to hear your story when you are ready to tell it...

@JimmyNorth- thank you for your comment. Are you still with OW now? Why did it take you so longer to leave BS? Sorry for the questions it is just interesting to have a MM perspective on all of this... 

Yes! I’m very happy to say that I am still with my OW, actually now labeled GF and possibly fiancé in future. 

It took me a long time to leave BS because I had this chain that kept me there. This chain was a feeling that I kept asking myself....do I let go somebody that I’ve been with so long and so I just stay with my safe option even though the passion is gone?? 

But I couldn’t stay. I need to receive affection, I needed to feel like a king instead of a constant unappreciated provider. Of course the kids had an effect on me, but I later found out that they were just as miserable watching me and mom be unhappy. So they almost didn’t care when it was divorce time. 

Also, I was also gun shy to put all my eggs in the basket with my OW as well. It was my own stupidity. It was almost as if I was having a hard time accepting how good my OW was treating me, like a god almost. At times I thought is was bull. So I just started getting comfortable with my double life, being at home with family, BUT longing for the passion I get to have with my OW when I would visit her next.

This stupidity lasted for almost 4 years until OW started to get disconnected and start talking to other guys. I woke up pretty hard, because from then on I decided I wanted to keep her for life.

[Luna66star]

Jimmy north.  You are one of the rare ones that leave.  Do you feel this is a rebound relationship now? Or is she the one, in your opinion? A lot of divorced men play the field after leaving a marriage.

Lurker.  My MM and I were not as close as we were both avoidant attachment types.  I put a lot of distance between us which he accepted.  The distance, no contact, avoiding at work, rare texting over a long period of time all helped it fizzle out. I went pretty cold on him and he eventually got the hint I didn't give a hoot anymore.  Secretly, I did care very much but I knew it had to end.

Before that long stretch though he came to me frequently with the pity play.  He knows how much of an empath you are, how much you care.  It's all designed to keep you hanging on.  It's hard not to care because I can see you are a very loving woman.  He's manipulating you big time.  If you were his one and only, this man would have shown it - by leaving his wife and making a new life with you.

Sadly, you are being used.  I don't know this man, possibly he does have real feelings for you.  But not strong enough to start a new life.   He's  not done with the old one.  

This nonsense will go on and on.  Perhaps for years.  You must stop contact, even if it's a slow fade.  Make it a goal to focus on getting out to meet others, do volunteering, make other friends at work, go to the gym - anything to start a new routine. Going cold Turkey just creates obsession.  A little bit at a time works.

 

[Lurker123]

@Luna66star Do you still have contact with MM now? Has it completely fizzled out? 
 

You have hit the nail on the head where you say ‘going cold turkey just creates obsession’ this is so so true. The times we had NC were some of the darkest days of my life and I spent 99% of my time obsessing over what MM was thinking- was he missing me, would he text me, had he forgotten me? It drove me insane. Actually pulling away from him has been easier when I have been in control. Speaking to him less and having less of a connection with him has let me still have contact (we do get on so well and as well as everything else, we have been friends throughout this whole A and he has supported me with many things that have happened in my life) but at the same time let him go and because of that, I have been able to focus on other things and have almost lost the obsessive aspect of the relationship. Example being when he left on Tuesday after telling me he was going away- I spent the next 48 hours feeling miserable and down, knowing I wouldn’t get to speak to him, worrying he would reconnect with BS and forget all about me. Whereas today, I feel a much better- I haven’t really thought about him and am focusing on my plans for the week ahead. I guess seeing him has definitely made this more difficult to move on from so that is the thing that I need to cut. 

[Beca L]

57 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

The times we had NC were some of the darkest days of my life and I spent 99% of my time obsessing over what MM was thinking- was he missing me, would he text me, had he forgotten me? It drove me insane.

Hi Lurker123,

Hope you are feeling better today I’ve been reading your thread and it all resonates so much with me. NC is so hard and I agree it does cause you to obsess about MM and you are unable to stop thinking about him and what he is doing with BS. I guarantee he will be doing the same, thinking about you and probably wishing he was on holiday with you rather than her. As JimmyNorth stated he never stopped thinking about his OW. I tried to do the cooling off, slowly distancing myself from XMM but I just couldn’t do it. It’s easier to be in NC for me, I think because in my case he actually left BS for a year and we were a couple, living together some of the time, going on holiday, spending time renovating my garden etc so it’s much harder for me to accept that he went back. I just couldn’t understand his thinking and therefore NC is the lesser of two evils for me. 
I know that probably deep down you realise NC is the way. He needs to see what he is losing or lost to make plans to end his marriage. As JimmyNorth said when his OW pulled away and started looking at other men/dating he realised he couldn’t give her up. I guess it was a lightbulb moment. Anyway you are not alone and you have our support. Hope you can keep busy and try not to obsess too much. Hugs xo 

[Lurker123]

@Beca L- I’m so sorry to hear your story. I can’t even imagine how that must have felt being together and then him returning to BS. Did he give any reasons why? Admittedly when I think of a future with MM I do find it hard to imagine. I think as difficult as right now is- it’s not going to be as difficult as being together if he ever left and that limbo period where he leaves BS and transitions into a relationship with me. In fact even talking about it now feels like talking about someone else. I do also think that once the mundane of everyday life kicks in- would we even have the same feelings? Surely the excitement would be gone when we have to deal with real life things. It does worry me admittedly and I think there is something to be said for starting a relationship with someone new based on honesty and not the lies of the past. Plus i do think would I ever be able to trust him? I don’t think I would. 

[Beca L]

31 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

. I do also think that once the mundane of everyday life kicks in- would we even have the same feelings? Surely the excitement would be gone when we have to deal with real life things. It does worry me admittedly and I think there is something to be said for starting a relationship with someone new based on honesty and not the lies of the past. Plus i do think would I ever be able to trust him? I don’t think I would. 

Hi, thanks for you response. Yes I understand your thinking. I know that xmm and I were very happy together and in love but the fact is it wasn’t just ‘US’. There were my 3 teenagers, his estranged 3 adult sons, my xH his BS. Living arrangements etc the fact that we worked together. It was a mess. So many different emotions and feelings involved. He hadn’t really done the hard work to end his marriage. He hadn’t dealt with the feelings of loss of this women he wasn’t in love with any more but who had played such a massive role in his life from aged  17-52. That’s a long time, he had grown up with her. He also had assumed his sons would come round eventually and he could see that wasn’t happening as quick as he had liked and he was worried that it might never happen. So I guess that’s why he went back plus he thought he could forget me and start a new relationship with her. That has not happened, it’s better than before because there is no shouting and screaming and insults. But it’s more like brother /sister. Or even Mother /son relationship. 
So I can understand all your worries and concerns. I know my xmm has lied to me a lot. So I’m not sure I could ever trust him again. I hope that things work out for you but like I said before if your relationship has any future at all  your MM has to end his marriage correctly. Otherwise there is always a risk that he will leave and return back to her again in the future. You want to make sure this doesn’t happen. He needs to deal with the loss and pain of the end of his marriage without you being in the picture. Then once he’s free you and him can start a new relationship. Hope you have a good weekend. Try not to think about what he is doing, you don’t really know so don’t torment yourself. Hugs xo 

[Luna66star]

Hi Lurker.  Thank you for responding.  That's absolutely terrific you are able to focus on your life and not think about MM.  There will be times when you do, understandably, and realizing it is part of the letting go process helps to not be too hard on ourselves.  It will take some time to completely let go and maybe never entirely.  The person will always remain a part of you.  At first I was very hateful of him and also myself for getting involved to begin with.  I'm feeling now this man was a part of my life I will cherish yet I am letting him go.  He is on his own journey in this life and so am I.  It's not an easy one, however working through all the stages of grief helps.  I'm getting close to the acceptance stage.

MM and I fizzled out totally for 6 wks until we ran into each other recently.  I was filled with happiness at seeing him, he appeared to as well.   I texted him and we corresponded lightheartedly for a few days.  At one point,  he didn't appear to want to keep the banter going, so I just stopped entirely. His response was very ambiguous.  I thought to myself "what?" in response to what he said.  It's a subtle message to me to cut this out.

Anyway, that's how things are at.  I try to avoid running into him at work, like coming and leaving through  back doors at work.  

I still think of him but am successful most days concentrating on work or talking with other friends I have in the office.  This incident got me spinning a little though!

 

[JimmyNorth]

21 hours ago, Luna66star said:

Jimmy north.  You are one of the rare ones that leave.  Do you feel this is a rebound relationship now? Or is she the one, in your opinion? A lot of divorced men play the field after leaving a marriage.

Lurker.  My MM and I were not as close as we were both avoidant attachment types.  I put a lot of distance between us which he accepted.  The distance, no contact, avoiding at work, rare texting over a long period of time all helped it fizzle out. I went pretty cold on him and he eventually got the hint I didn't give a hoot anymore.  Secretly, I did care very much but I knew it had to end.

Before that long stretch though he came to me frequently with the pity play.  He knows how much of an empath you are, how much you care.  It's all designed to keep you hanging on.  It's hard not to care because I can see you are a very loving woman.  He's manipulating you big time.  If you were his one and only, this man would have shown it - by leaving his wife and making a new life with you.

Sadly, you are being used.  I don't know this man, possibly he does have real feelings for you.  But not strong enough to start a new life.   He's  not done with the old one.  

This nonsense will go on and on.  Perhaps for years.  You must stop contact, even if it's a slow fade.  Make it a goal to focus on getting out to meet others, do volunteering, make other friends at work, go to the gym - anything to start a new routine. Going cold Turkey just creates obsession.  A little bit at a time works.

 

It is for sure not a rebound relationship. As far as I’m concerned, she is my goddess and she treats me like a king. I have no desire to play the field. I’m so over that way of life.

If any man truly desires to be with a woman, and I’m not just talking about MM’s, they will move mountains to be with that lady!

[Lurker123]

I feel so much like a broken record at the moment. I have days when I feel like I can get past this, then days like today where I just can’t.

im really not sure where to go at the moment, the whole situation feels impossible and with MM being away with BS and not being able to talk any of this through and just stewing in my own thoughts, which get more and more frustrating as the days go by. 
 

He messaged me briefly this morning saying he hoped it was ok. I sent a very blunt response back, and then he knew something was up and asked me what. I was just honest and said him being away has made me realise how pointless this all is. I’ve been worried about him given all that’s going on,  it I can’t even message or call to check he’s ok! He hadn’t even bothered to reply. What kind of relationship is that? I just feel angry today, mostly at myself because I wish I could stop this, and I have tried but I just don’t feel strong enough right now. 
 

Thank you as always everyone for your messages and input. Reading everyone else’s stories makes me stronger. I have so many questions and wish I had answers, but know I will likely never get them. I just wish I had never got into this situation and every day i imagine what my life would be like if I’d never met MM... 

[assertives]

48 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

What kind of relationship is that?

Except, this wasn't a relationship. It's an affair. You have just been sleeping with another woman's husband. 

You have been married and been in long term relationships before, so I assume you know what it's like to be in a relationship that makes you happy and adds to your life. This man is just taking and subtracting from your life. 

A good look litmus test was how you felt good /ok during the short period where you have been in IC and not talking to him for abit. The moment he comes back into your orbit and here you are feeling like s*** all over again. Let him go. He has shown and demonstrated that he could care less about how you feel beyond allowing him into your bed.

Also, this is the 2nd time I'm quoting this post you made last year. Remember how you feel back then? Print this out and paste it in your journal, fridge or keep it in your phone to remind you everytime he tries to slide into your DMs and those rose colored lens come back on.  

On 8/28/2019 at 4:55 AM, Lurker123 said:

first time we had seen each other in 6 weeks, he pretty much begged to come round, even though he had a very limited window of time (no changes there) he turned up, pretty much did the deed, jumped in the shower and left! No message after.. nothing. I even remember him looking st his watch half way through. I honestly feel completely sick to my stomach. I think today it’s completely hit home for me how much he has disrespected me over the last 10 months and worse- how I’ve disrespected myself.

Another thing I wanted to point out is, avoid him like he is the covid-19 virus himself. You may think it's just a friendly, unplanned chat/meetup that happened coincidentally. Be proactive, avoid him and avoid putting/allowing yourself to be caught in situations where you would be with him alone or even in a group setting beyond anything that's strictly necessary/professional. Block him everywhere. 

The thing about affairs is that the scenarios and situations that leads to one are usually so subtle that you don't recognize it quick enough. And in your case, your boundaries with him is weak/non-existent.

Stay safe. From him and from covid-19.

Edited March 17, 2020 by assertives

[Lurker123]

Thank you @assertives- I do remember making that post and I remember  how I felt afterwards. Similar to how I feel today, that he had chosen to read my message and ignore me. 
 

The problem that I, and I think a lot of other OWs have- is that this MM is the familiar. I also think it’s partly that the drama is there, along with the whole ‘romance’ of the situation. (I know that is probably not the best word to use but I mean it in the dramatic sense) My MM is very familiar to me. The thought of getting out into the wide world and meeting someone else and pulling away from the crutch which has propped me up for so long, is a very scary thought. I know him, I know he’s not a weirdo, I know he doesn’t have a criminal record, I know he has a good job and friends and his own life. The thought of meeting a stranger who I know none of that about- quite frankly scares the complete crap out of me! Even the drama of this situation has become familiar to me, we fight, we make up, he makes false promises, he pulls away, we fight, we make up, and so on and so forth. It’s known, it’s rehearsed- he will always be there, even if it is in a lacklustre way. Do we thrive on the excitement? Yes- when things are good between us- I am on a massive high- nothing can touch me- nothing else matters- I can sleep- I can go about my daily life floating in air... but when things are bad, I fall into the deepest pit of despair, I can’t sleep, I constantly watch my phone, I feel sick, I can’t think of anything else. The whole MM scenario is like an obsession- and anyone who says that it’s not- I don’t believe. 

[assertives]

15 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

I know him, I know he’s not a weirdo, I know he doesn’t have a criminal record, I know he has a good job and friends and his own life.

Beyond knowing that he would lie and cheat on his wife daily, knowing he is perfectly capable of doing this "turning up, do the deed while checking his watch, and then jumping in the shower and leave" to someone he claims "he cannot live without", over and above the marriage vows he made to his wife, yea, nah.. you don't really truly know him. Even his wife doesn't really know him. In fact, I challenge that thought that he's a better evil so to speak than the unknown. There are way more honourable and available men out there that you are afraid to explore than this trash can you are leaning on for whatever rotten breadcrumbs he's offering you.

22 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

meeting someone else and pulling away from the crutch which has propped me up for so long, is a very scary thought.

Also, the end goal in life isn't to date and get married/end up in a long term relationship though. Many people go on to live wonderful fulfilling lives as single people. I can promise you'll feel a whole lot better on your own than this dysfunctional arrangement you have with him that is sucking your life, happiness and soul right now. You have had a taste of that in the weeks you weren't talking to him. Multiply those times intentionally. Make days into weeks and makes weeks into months, and before long, you'll find yourself in a far better place than this dumpster of a place.

You are so fixated on this goal of him divorcing his wife to be with you, but have you given thorough thought about what kind of long term partner would he make given how he's been treating you and his track record of lying and cheating on someone he vowed 'till death do us part'? Everything I've read about how he treats you and his wife so far is enough to make me nope the f*** out. He's no prize.

Also, I urge you continue your IC sessions and go abit more frequently if need be. It'll help you to navigate through your thought processes and perhaps equip you with healthy coping strategies to move forward.  

[JimmyNorth]

9 minutes ago, assertives said:

Beyond knowing that he would lie and cheat on his wife daily, knowing he is perfectly capable of doing this "turning up, do the deed while checking his watch, and then jumping in the shower and leave" to someone he claims "he cannot live without", over and above the marriage vows he made to his wife, yea, nah.. you don't really truly know him. Even his wife doesn't really know him. In fact, I challenge that thought that he's a better evil so to speak than the unknown. There are way more honourable and available men out there that you are afraid to explore than this trash can you are leaning on for whatever rotten breadcrumbs he's offering you.

Also, the end goal in life isn't to date and get married/end up in a long term relationship though. Many people go on to live wonderful fulfilling lives as single people. I can promise you'll feel a whole lot better on your own than this dysfunctional arrangement you have with him that is sucking your life, happiness and soul right now. You have had a taste of that in the weeks you weren't talking to him. Multiply those times intentionally. Make days into weeks and makes weeks into months, and before long, you'll find yourself in a far better place than this dumpster of a place.

You are so fixated on this goal of him divorcing his wife to be with you, but have you given thorough thought about what kind of long term partner would he make given how he's been treating you and his track record of lying and cheating on someone he vowed 'till death do us part'? Everything I've read about how he treats you and his wife so far is enough to make me nope the f*** out. He's no prize.

Also, I urge you continue your IC sessions and go abit more frequently if need be. It'll help you to navigate through your thought processes and perhaps equip you with healthy coping strategies to move forward.  

I would take it a little easy in assuming the MM is evil. Yes, he is lying to his BS daily, but please try to dive in the reality of why he is doing this. I’m sure he is not a malicious man that wants to destroy his BS’s heart. As a matter of fact, I think he feels terrible about all this, and he wants to find a way to have a soft landing with his BS while one day possibly be with his OW.

Im not saying the MM is a saint, but can we not discount the fact that MAYBE he is emotionally unstable at this point and his living of this double life might be taking a toll on him. He may very well know what his heart wants, but he just doesn’t know how to put it together and move forward appropriately. 

Edited March 17, 2020 by JimmyNorth
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[Allupinnit]

The sad thing is when we don't put guardrails up around our lives that would keep us out of these situations in the first place this is what happens.  Lingering too long at "that" coworker's desk.  Making eye contact a bit too long.  Thinking you can just be friends and flirt platonically.  It's THOSE moments that are the slippery slope to the misery you find yourself in now, and like it or not you become a liar for life and the affair becomes part of your story you have to tell yourself and others.  

I wouldn't say this MM is malicious; I think he's incredibly careless and stupid and selfish though.  I can't believe he takes off with his family and expects OP to wait for him to get back.  To what?  To discuss this again?  OP - this is coming up on two years of your precious life and time spent on this creep who still vacations with his wife.  

I mentioned long ago that you need to find another job.  Your obsession with him is so unhealthy and the reason it sucks when you go NC is because your body is craving that next jolt - it is a drug to your brain.  The intermittent nature of affairs only fuels the addiction.  It's not convenient but this is also why you don't sh*t where you eat.  You need to sack up and take back some control of your life and leave this guy in your rear view mirror.

[Eris1234]

I just read through this entire thread. Hoping to find confirmation that I did the right thing - and I think I did. I just ended an 8 week affair with a mm on Friday. I am also married. It was long distance, and fast and furious. we saw each other two weeks ago and I felt a shift from him immediately afterwards. We went from talking everyday for hours to maybe a couple times a week and very distant surface conversations. Like how’s the weather, etc. when it used to be emotional and sexual. I broke it off because I realized my feelings were too deep and the hot/cold was breaking me. He asked if we could still be friends and can we hang out. Called me beautiful and said we would talk soon. I said I didn’t know. Ugh now I’m in quarantine with my husband with a broken heart! This sucks!

i know this is different because it was short lived. But the pain is crazy and I feel like I’m thinking about him more now that I broke it off. Thank you for this thread because it is really helping!! Do you think I should be prepared to hear from him? Part of me thinks he distanced himself so I would break it off and he wouldn’t be the bad guy? So maybe he was just over it. He was the one that initiated it from the beginning and now look at me 🙄

Sorry to bogart and ramble! This was supposed to be a quick thank you.

[Lurker123]

@Eris1234- I beg you from the bottom of my heart- don’t get involved. You’re 8 weeks in- you can walk away without being too involved. Read my thread again- read others threads. I can tell you, I can PROMISE you it won’t end well. I am home, alone. MM is in holiday with BS and their daughter, living his best life, happy in the knowledge that when he gets back I will be here. I really don’t want to be this time. I want to walk away, but I can promise you the last 16 months of my life has been impossible. So please, if I can help even one person, do not do this. Walk away, sort things with your husband or leave him and meet someone new- do not get involved. Another thing to consider is if you’re MM is blowing so hot and cold this early on- imagine what he will be like in a few/weeks months time. The first few months are where the infatuation is and where they don’t normally act like that!
 

thank you @Allupinnit- with the current climate, I may have no choice but to get a new job! Maybe it’s for the best. I wish I had the words to explain my situation- but I don’t- it’s impossible and I hate myself more for it each day. 

[Lurker123]

As awful as this whole global situation currently is.. do you know what- I think it’s made me realise a few things. Sometimes it takes an actual dose of reality and to see who actually gives a cr*p about you at times like this to realise what’s important! I think maybe what is happening now will be a wake up call for a lot of us in this forum. Has anyone else felt similar or is it just me?!