Author Lurker123 Posted September 18, 2020 Author Share Posted September 18, 2020 On 9/17/2020 at 4:02 PM, Allupinnit said: First of all social media is FAKE AF. Nobody is as happy as they like to portray themselves. Secondly, and I know in this culture it's easier said than done, but you need to get off it until you can heal. Otherwise you're just going to continue to get triggered unnecessarily when getting over him is hard enough. Watch "The Social Dilemma" on Netflix- stuff like that comes up in your feed on purpose to trigger you emotionally. They keep track of whose page you visit, have visited in the past, etc. - and then sell that data. Insidious. I do totally get this. I know you are right. I know you can’t go from telling one person you love them 6 weeks ago to being the perfect family with your wife and child in the next breath. I am just trying not to over analyse any of it. I didn’t see this on my own social media- I was looking at a friends and it just happened to be in the feed so of course I scrolled through... I don’t actively seek him out anymore and he is blocked on anything of mine, so hopefully I won’t come across this again! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 6 minutes ago, Lurker123 said: Im just hoping that time will be a healer and that I can one day look back at this and feel nothing. Probably not nothing at all, but yes, if you think back e.g. to your HS/college relationships, yes you do get over them etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 Does your friend know about your affair? Why is she friends w him on FB? Do you have to see him again when you go back to the office? Link to post Share on other sites
SS2855 Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 On 9/18/2020 at 12:45 PM, Lurker123 said: . I know you can’t go from telling one person you love them 6 weeks ago to being the perfect family with your wife and child in the next breath. I am just trying not to over analyse any of it. This is what I struggle with. In my situation the MM lays it on thick- I love you’s, song lyrics, etc. and the next day it’s like I truly do not exist, or am back to being a buddy. In my heart I don’t know how you can tell someone I love you and then no less than 24 hours later act as if all is normal. This has been happening a lot as of the past few months. Very hot and cold. I have continued to try and pull back but this week felt some like rock bottom. Low and a shell of myself. I don’t know if it’s just he taking my lead (keeping a little distant) or is it truly just lies. I’m likely naive but it feels so genuine. Lurker like you I had a social media moment almost to the tee and it destroyed me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lurker123 Posted September 20, 2020 Author Share Posted September 20, 2020 On 9/18/2020 at 7:56 PM, Allupinnit said: Does your friend know about your affair? Why is she friends w him on FB? Do you have to see him again when you go back to the office? No she doesn’t know. He’s a work associate hence why she follows him. I used to, until I blocked him on everything! We don’t work for the same company, so no I don’t have to see him. If any events come up where I might need to I can avoid them, but given his wife found messages- and knows I will be there, I doubt he would be ‘allowed’ to go anyways! I personally see no reason why I should hold back from going to work events because it would make him feel awkward or piss his wife off, that’s not my problem.I have been honest about all of this to anyone I care about and the fact he lied and continues to cover up the truth is not of my concern anymore. The only reason I wouldn't go is because If I saw him again it might trigger something in me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lurker123 Posted September 20, 2020 Author Share Posted September 20, 2020 7 hours ago, SS2855 said: This is what I struggle with. In my situation the MM lays it on thick- I love you’s, song lyrics, etc. and the next day it’s like I truly do not exist, or am back to being a buddy. In my heart I don’t know how you can tell someone I love you and then no less than 24 hours later act as if all is normal. This has been happening a lot as of the past few months. Very hot and cold. I have continued to try and pull back but this week felt some like rock bottom. Low and a shell of myself. I don’t know if it’s just he taking my lead (keeping a little distant) or is it truly just lies. I’m likely naive but it feels so genuine. Lurker like you I had a social media moment almost to the tee and it destroyed me. Hey, sorry to hear this. I can promise you I believed my situation was different too. I’d read the replies on here and the advice and I’d take it all on board, but at the same time would be thinking ‘but WE’RE different. Let me tell you, we weren’t... and neither are you 😕 When it came to crunch time MM didn’t hesitate for one second to throw me under the bus to protect his relationship with his wife, going from telling me he loved me and couldn’t live without me the day before to less than 24 hours later demanding I lie to his wife to save his marriage and save face. When I wouldn’t, he blamed me for the torment his daughter was going through. Not once did he think about me, my feelings or what we had. It was like the second he was found out he forgot it all and has since. I understand what you are saying at being at such a low point, but trust me, once you escape this, you will feel so much better. Yes, you will have days when you feel angry, sad, tortured, pissed off, crazy, bitter and about a million other emotions, but these will all be a way of healing. You won’t ever have to experience that emotional rollercoaster again and can one day move in with your life and realise this was never worth even a second of your time. I wish you all the best going forward- always happy to chat if you want to 😊 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SS2855 Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 6 hours ago, Lurker123 said: Hey, sorry to hear this. I can promise you I believed my situation was different too. I’d read the replies on here and the advice and I’d take it all on board, but at the same time would be thinking ‘but WE’RE different. Let me tell you, we weren’t... and neither are you 😕 When it came to crunch time MM didn’t hesitate for one second to throw me under the bus to protect his relationship with his wife, going from telling me he loved me and couldn’t live without me the day before to less than 24 hours later demanding I lie to his wife to save his marriage and save face. When I wouldn’t, he blamed me for the torment his daughter was going through. Not once did he think about me, my feelings or what we had. It was like the second he was found out he forgot it all and has since. I understand what you are saying at being at such a low point, but trust me, once you escape this, you will feel so much better. Yes, you will have days when you feel angry, sad, tortured, pissed off, crazy, bitter and about a million other emotions, but these will all be a way of healing. You won’t ever have to experience that emotional rollercoaster again and can one day move in with your life and realise this was never worth even a second of your time. I wish you all the best going forward- always happy to chat if you want to 😊 Thank you. I’m reading through your thread now and so so many similarities and thoughts you had are what I have. You said something earlier about how do we women end up in situations where we spend our nights reading and writing on threads like these just trying to make sense of everything? I hope you can continue to heal. For me the hardest part is thinking of all the words and messages said and then almost like a flip of a switch gone. I haven’t ended it yes but low contact. I just have this maddening desire to understand where his head is at. Just last week we had lunch and that evening he was clearly riding the high still, telling me he loves me and thinking of me constantly. Then I hear nothing for a few days only to pick back up like “hey how was your weekend?! How’s it going??”. I know none of it matters but for me I want to understand how he can switch on and off. Am I the crazy one that just didn’t pick up on the inconsistency as being not as in love with me as I am with him, despite the words of love and affirmation he’s laid on me? So many questions and I am thread jacking I’m sorry! Wish we had a support group or something to talk in person! Link to post Share on other sites
SS2855 Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 Also I am so so sorry you have gone through what you have. For this man to suddenly try and get you to help HIM protect his marriage?? Perhaps he is the lowest of the low. Also while social media will have you thinking his life is fantastic, a person like that can not truly be happy with them selves. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 Wow. I’m totally behind on all of this. But what a piece of work. Expecting you to throw yourself under the bus and lie for him. And if you do this one last thing for him, THEN he’ll leave you alone. What a complete dick. I hope seeing this from him helps speed up the recovery process for you. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 3 hours ago, SS2855 said: Thank you. I’m reading through your thread now and so so many similarities and thoughts you had are what I have. You said something earlier about how do we women end up in situations where we spend our nights reading and writing on threads like these just trying to make sense of everything? I hope you can continue to heal. For me the hardest part is thinking of all the words and messages said and then almost like a flip of a switch gone. I haven’t ended it yes but low contact. I just have this maddening desire to understand where his head is at. Just last week we had lunch and that evening he was clearly riding the high still, telling me he loves me and thinking of me constantly. Then I hear nothing for a few days only to pick back up like “hey how was your weekend?! How’s it going??”. I know none of it matters but for me I want to understand how he can switch on and off. Am I the crazy one that just didn’t pick up on the inconsistency as being not as in love with me as I am with him, despite the words of love and affirmation he’s laid on me? So many questions and I am thread jacking I’m sorry! Wish we had a support group or something to talk in person! SS2855, I don’t remember every detail of your threads, but it’s not that difficult to understand where his head is at. He has never offered you a future and you have never asked for one, so what exactly is upsetting? He enjoys the lovey dovey fantasy, and since you don’t complain, he assumes you love it too. When he’s busy or preoccupied, he goes silent, but I guarantee that’s not a reflection on you - he still cares and likes knowing you’re there. This will not end until you end it because he’s having fun, and crucially, he thinks you are too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SS2855 Posted September 21, 2020 Share Posted September 21, 2020 23 hours ago, RebeccaR said: SS2855, I don’t remember every detail of your threads, but it’s not that difficult to understand where his head is at. He has never offered you a future and you have never asked for one, so what exactly is upsetting? He enjoys the lovey dovey fantasy, and since you don’t complain, he assumes you love it too. When he’s busy or preoccupied, he goes silent, but I guarantee that’s not a reflection on you - he still cares and likes knowing you’re there. This will not end until you end it because he’s having fun, and crucially, he thinks you are too. Thank you Rebecca and you are right. All of it. It’s par for the course. This is truly just the relationship that it is. My problem is I have expectations of a real relationship in what is really a fantasy relationship, hence why I’m constantly disappointed. Any distance I perceive as something personal. I suppose it’s pretty simple- be ok with this or end it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
BeaNeverLearns Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 On 5/1/2020 at 5:49 PM, Lylalou said: @Lurker123 I couldn’t have written you last post better, it’s exactly how I have felt over the 7 yrs I have been addicted to MM. I’m nearly 10 months no contact, I couldn’t face the anxiety and feel so let down and lied to anymore, it was soul destroying. I am getting there slowly and have been doing so well until he started messaging me again occasionally 3 weeks ago, I didn’t reply and would just be feeling better about the what if thoughts when he would message again. You have been really strong to block and I know I have to do the same as these occasional texts are bringing back the good memories when I should remember only the bad, the not being able to see me, the lies, the wondering what he’s doing at home and the awful lonely times when he disappears on holiday. Honestly we will be better off when we make it. Good luck Lucker I'm only on day one of my journey. How are you Lylalou? Are you still keeping strong? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lurker123 Posted June 11, 2021 Author Share Posted June 11, 2021 Hey everyone. It’s been a while since I posted, but I have been a regular visitor to the forum and have often thought about all the stories I read and think about the posters and their situations and where they are now. It has been just over a year since I last saw ex MM. In some ways it feels like yesterday, in others- like a lifetime ago. Speaking honestly, not a day has gone past without me thinking about him. The thoughts and the frequency of them are different each day, depending on my mood and general life circumstances on that particular day. The days I feel stressed and tired, he is often in my thoughts. Other days, when I am busy with friends and family- I may barely think of him at all. He is still loosely in my ‘circle’ so I am innocently informed by colleagues of what he is up to regularly. I hear he leaves gushy posts about his love and gratefulness for BW on SM, is doing very well financially and seems to be breezing through life without a care in the world, exactly as he did when we were in the A. When I hear these stories I feel so much pain and anger and frustration. It’s something I’ve tried really hard to work through over the past year, but I have really struggled to deal with forgiving and forgetting. I can’t get past the fact that he walked away from the situation and has faced no repercussions for his actions. I hate the unfairness of it all. I’m not sure why I can’t move past this stage and just forget about him, i think it’s the knowledge that after everything, I simply was just disposable to him and even though I was told time and time again on here, that his declarations of love and promises for a future together were nothing but words, it wasn’t until D Day that this actually hit home for me. Anyways, I’m not really sure what the point of this post was, I’ve had quite a bad week and ex MM has been forefront in my mind over the last couple of days for some reason. I hope now the year milestone has come and gone, I can finally leave all this behind me and move on with my life. Here’s hoping x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonas2112 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Thank you for sharing the update. As I read your story, I marveled at the similarities to my situation. I appreciate hearing how things are with some time between everything. Wishing you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 On 6/11/2021 at 2:19 PM, Lurker123 said: finally leave all this behind me and move on with my life. Here’s hoping x Sounds like a plan! 🙂 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Coming back to help others here might prove cathartic, especially those who think their story is the exception. Also, there are many who lurk but never post. Something you write might touch a nerve in them to help them alter courses in their lives for the better. Those small acts of kindness, knowing you're sharing what you learned to benefit others, can turn that last bit of negativity into something positive. Lemons to lemonade. I think contribution is a basic need for most people, and this is a good way to fill it. Wishing you the best! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts