So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

As awful as this whole global situation currently is.. do you know what- I think it’s made me realise a few things. Sometimes it takes an actual dose of reality and to see who actually gives a cr*p about you at times like this to realise what’s important! I think maybe what is happening now will be a wake up call for a lot of us in this forum. Has anyone else felt similar or is it just me?! 

Indeed. Times like this make it very clear what is important, and what is not. Who cares, and who does not. Is it a want, or a need. 

I read some of the posts on here, women who are pining away for their MM and I think - why are you wasting your life like this over a man who at the end of the day, does not care about you enough to actually BE with you? I don’t say this to be unkind, but it is the hard reality. He is currently panic buying with his wife to ensure the survival of their family. He is holding her ever night, to calm her anxiety. The OW are in their heads, obsessing about what they “wish” life to be, rather than considering what is the reality of the situation. To extrapolate to the current situation, how productive is that to your wellbeing and your survival? 

We all get one life, and it is short. Is this really how you want to spend your life? 

[Lurker123]

I don’t disagree with you. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I’ve been more upset about the fact I haven’t heard a single thing from MM in nearly 3 days despite me telling him how worried I was about him being away, than I have about anything else. In a way it’s taken my mind off what’s going on around me, but it’s also brought me to an all time low now the reality that he really couldn’t care less has sunk in. Regardless of what excuse he will give, I know it takes 10 seconds to send a message saying you are ok and asking that other person if they are too. it makes me sick to my stomach realising that is how little I actually mean. 
 

As I said above, perhaps this was the harsh dose of reality needed for me and a lot of others over the coming weeks. I think a lot of people’s lives are about to change from how they know them. Perhaps for me this will be a positive to take away from this. I feel selfish even talking about this currently, but of course life does and will go on. 
 

I hope everyone is keeping well and safe. Would be interesting to hear any others points of view on all this, or now in similar situations! 
 

 

[BaileyB]

Can I also say, what a doofus to travel with his family now! What are they “away?” Is this a holiday?

Not only is a user, he is also apparently a selfish, entitled, fool if they are travelling during this time of global pandemic. 😷

[MadlyDeeply]

Lurker we are here for you, it's an awful feeling when they are away isn't it, when is he due back and where is he? I always feel so emotional before my mm goes away but start getting tougher as time goes by as you realise you can actually survive without them. I've made all the excuses up while he can't be in touch but at the end of the day if they can't be bothered to even said a short I love you text what does that tell you? It tells me he just doesn't care enough or is he on purpose seeing if he can survive without you? Think they often do tests on us and themselves. I'm sure he will send that text soon that you having been waiting nonstop for, it will pull you back in like it does me each time. These men are little boys they feel so secure in their home life, have no passion for their W but just Like them to be there, like a mum but too scared to take the chance with the woman they really love. It's terrifying for them after so long with their w. It's the history and security they love not their W. If they loved their W they wouldn't be cheating. 

I'm the same as you with what's going on in the world, mm takes my mind away from it all and the virus takes my mind away from mm and makes me think what's important. I would be so much more concerned if it wasn't for mm and my situation. I actually went to the shops with my mm yesterday while getting what I needed for my family. He admitted he wants both of us which he has said before, think he is scared of the unknown with me and can't just forget all their history and turn his feelings off.

Think for now I need to concentrate on my family that's the most important thing, they need their mummy more than what what mm needs me. He can carry on loving his security which obviously means more to him. 

Lurker thinking of you, let us know when you get that precious message. In the meantime start loving yourself, no-one is going to love you as much as you should love yourself. Sending hugs your way. 

 

[Bittersweetie]

18 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

In a way it’s taken my mind off what’s going on around me, but it’s also brought me to an all time low now the reality that he really couldn’t care less has sunk in. Regardless of what excuse he will give, I know it takes 10 seconds to send a message saying you are ok and asking that other person if they are too. it makes me sick to my stomach realising that is how little I actually mean.

Please don't tie your value and worth to someone else's actions.

25 years ago my best friend, someone I considered a sister, suddenly and painfully ghosted me. She suddenly stopped speaking to me, and ignored me if I tried to understand why (we lived together...fun times). Not long after I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) and was so, so hurt...what did I do? How could someone who was so close to me pretend I no longer existed? I spent years...15 years plus...ruminating on those questions. And all those thoughts did a number on my self-esteem, something I didn't see until everything I went through after my d-day when I dug deeper than I ever had into myself.

Because I finally realized: her actions did not measure my worthiness. She did what she did and I will never know why, and that is okay, because I am okay. If she had a problem with me, the mature action would've been to bring up the issue. I loved her, and suddenly not only was she gone but my whole friend group was gone (as they all started ignoring me too). But her actions are on her, and I finally refused to have them measure me in any way.

My xAP ghosted me not once but twice and after d-day, when I still wondered about his actions and what I did to deserve them, I finally thought: am I going to spend another 15 years having his actions define me? Like I let my best friend's actions define me? That's when I finally realized my worth was not tied to other people's actions and I needed to let go. 

I know it is difficult but please try to start letting the lack of communication go. It is not because of something you did or your fault: his actions are on him. All you can do is work on you and become stronger and healthier. Does this make sense? I feel like I'm rambling but I don't want to see someone else waste so many years in almost a limbo like I did. I truly believe my not letting it go affected my self-esteem which eventually led to my bad choices.

I hope you are doing okay with everything going on. I'm trying to stay positive for my son but yesterday he told me he was feeling stressed (he's 7) and it hurt because I can't fix it. Fortunately he's a positive kind of kid overall because then he was like, let's play a word game to relieve stress! So he made up a story that involved the word fart a lot.

[Lurker123]

Hey everyone, hope you’re all keeping well during these times! 
 

I feel like this whole situation has been a massive time of reckoning and I just wondered if anyone else felt the same way? 
 

After MM came back from holiday, I realised a few things and have actually quite enjoyed the period of time where I have been on my own and where I can’t see him. Don’t get me wrong it’s been hard and I’ve had days where I’ve cried and felt so low, but overall I am just trying to use this time to sort my head out and hopefully feel ready to move forward when we are finally ‘freed’ 😂 As for MM, things have been fraught. I have heard from him sporadically. I think the hardest thing for me was only 6 weeks ago he sat down with me and acted like I had never seen him before- I really felt like it was turning point, but since lockdown and the inevitable of him being at home, things have changed and so has his attitude towards me. He has half heartedly tried to give reassurances once or twice, but it doesn’t really mean a lot to me at the moment. I had a particular low point on Friday where I blurted out exactly how I was feeling, said things I had never said before for fear of pushing him away, but I just feel like I have nothing to lose right now. His response was predictable as always, said he felt like there was ‘nothing more he could do to show me how he felt’ how he had ‘risked texting me during a lockdown’ and how despite me having a ‘few wobbles’ over the last few weeks he thought things were generally good. He said I was being hurtful and the things I said were disappointing and untrue. I just don’t know how he manages to turn things around on me constantly and make me feel the bad guy! So again I am back at square one, trying to pick myself up from this ending yet again. I can’t even call my counsellor at the moment! 
 

Sorry for the rant everyone, just needed to let it out x 

[assertives]

15 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

I feel like this whole situation has been a massive time of reckoning and I just wondered if anyone else felt the same way?

Yes, I was just thinking we are in such interesting times. I thought the pandemic and its resultant lockdowns everywhere should bring to light more clarity to OMs/OWs and see the affair for what it really is. Most OWs/OMs are essentially an afterthought. The priorities are with their families and wife.

At the end of the day, your MM is right in the sense that there really isn't more he could do.. within the realms of an affair. Obviously, you wanted more, so your expectations are on a totally different plane than his. Now is actually THE BEST TIME to use the opportunity to wean yourself from him. Since he cannot really contact you without getting caught and you guys cannot meet.

Don't let this time go to waste, use it to your full advantage. Live your life, plan an elaborate trip on paper, journal, learn a music instrument! a new language, sew, knit, take some free online courses from ivy league schools! Or even get into gaming, and making friends online through gaming. Lots of possibilities to enrich your life. You may just find that after all that, MM, his lies and baggage no longer appeals to you after it all and see the affair for what it really is: a dead end clandestine affair that doesn't have what it takes to develop into a fulfilling long-term relationship. He cannot even show up for you through the trials of life. 

[Lurker123]

Hi @assertives, thank you for your response. Yes I agree, I think OW/OM are often an afterthought- even more so at the moment. 
 

I guess the same thing that holds me back (and I know I’ve said this time and time again) is why did he give me such false hope? Why tell me he’s decided ‘he can’t live without me’ and lead me up the garden path even more so than what he did previously? It just makes zero sense. Why not just accept I want more, he can’t give it to me and then walk away? Again I know others will point out why don’t I walk away, but when everything that you’ve waited for and that has been promised to you feels like it’s finally coming to fruition- it’s tough. 
 

Anyways- since my honest and open message on Friday, I had the ‘blaming’ response which I ignored and haven’t heard anything since. If he contacts me again, I am going to use Bailey’s words above. 

[assertives]

Problem is, talk isn't cheap. It's freaking free. If talking can get him extra sex on the side, and empty promises can get you to give him the kind of emotional support one usually reserves for people they are in committed relationships with, why the hell does he need to go through the pain and mess of a divorce just to get.. more of what you are already giving him and less support from his family? Not to mention his finances halved and time with kids halved. Or if he's the type that leave his wife to do most of the child rearing, that's him losing 100% free childcare and him needing to put in his half to look after them.

The tough part comes not in that you feel you are giving up so near to getting what you wanted and were promised. It comes from you fantasizing what day to day regular life full time with him would be like. This man comes with alot of baggage. There will be ex-wife to deal with, custody of children who will no doubt not like you in the beginning/not wanting to see their father with a different woman. I'd say life with him post-divorce (if he even gets there) is not going to be amazing like what it was in the beginning of the affair.

You may think you guys have the most amazing connection, the best sexual chemistry, best friends, whatever, but the man that you see now manipulating you, guilt-tripping and gaslighting you, hurting you, stringing you on, lying to you and his wife, breaking promises after promises, someone who cannot show up for you during life challenges (hey we're in the middle of scary times now) is also very much a part of his character and who he is as a person, no? I once saw someone posted that a 10% s*** sandwich is still a s*** sandwich. What I'm really trying to say is, even if he divorces his wife, you shouldn't pick him as a life partner. Don't wait for him to contact you again. Just be done yesterday and block him already. Go and live your life. Don't even bother to give him anymore "final words" or proper closure. Because there isn't such a thing. It's just your not so subconscious way of hanging on to hope.

 

Edited April 27, 2020 by assertives

[Lurker123]

@assertives- again everything you are saying is hitting home massively. I have thought more recently about the life we would lead IF he ever left (which I seriously don’t think he ever will the more time that passes) and to be honest it feels impossible. Reading other posters experiences has not made for good reading. There also seems to be another worrying pattern that even if MM does leave- quite a few tend to go back, months, even years after leaving! That is a scary thought. The difference between us is I am at a position where he would just fit into my life. I’m divorced (a result of this MM), have my finances in order and am settled and ready to welcome someone into my life. This was something I began to sort within 2 months of meeting MM. Yes it was a tough year getting where I am, but it’s done and things are now settled. However, he still has all of that in front of him. I’m unsure if he’s even raised that he’s unhappy with BW! He says he has- but that’s just words- I have no ideas what goes on behind closed doors- they may be having the time of their lives for all I know. 
 

I want to be over this now- I don’t want to go through weeks and months of hurting and crying and missing him. I know I have that ahead but it just feels so impossible to go through all that yet again- whereas he walks away not even thinking about me twice! 

[Bittersweetie]

6 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

I guess the same thing that holds me back (and I know I’ve said this time and time again) is why did he give me such false hope? Why tell me he’s decided ‘he can’t live without me’ and lead me up the garden path even more so than what he did previously? It just makes zero sense. Why not just accept I want more, he can’t give it to me and then walk away? Again I know others will point out why don’t I walk away, but when everything that you’ve waited for and that has been promised to you feels like it’s finally coming to fruition- it’s tough. 

Lurker, you are never going to understand why he did what he did. And while I know it is hard, you are wasting precious mental energy and time trying to figure it out. Like my story above, I tried for years to understand why my best girlfriend turned on me. We called each other sister! Why would she say that then ghost me in our own apartment? How much time and mental energy did I waste on those thoughts? TBH I didn't find a new group of wonderful girlfriends until I'd let all that stuff go...maybe there is a correlation there, maybe not, but I do think me letting go of my thoughts was part of opening up to new relationships.

In life there are some questions you will never have an answer to...and that is okay. 

[Allupinnit]

Because, @Lurker123 men say all kinds of things in the moment that aren't true.  Our mothers and grandmothers and THEIR mothers have known this for all time - and you have to be inherently selfish to cheat IMHO.

Like most married men, I'm sure he means all of that sweet talk in the moment but then gets home to wifey and the kids and his life goes back to normal.  Men are simple and tend not to leave when they know where their bread is buttered.  He's fine with you loving him on the side.  

I see women here twisting themselves in knots wondering why their married guy said one thing but then does another - and it's not that complicated.  They will say and do whatever it takes to preserve the status quo.

[Lurker123]

34 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

Like my story above, I tried for years to understand why my best girlfriend turned on me.

I do think of this story often @Bittersweetie. I don’t know if I could have just moved on without questioning why. I think I would rather have an argument and have it out than just sit by and not know!
 

I know I purposefully cause arguments with MM. It’s the main thing he has said that he doesn’t understand about me. How one moment I can be absolutely fine with it all and the next telling him to leave me alone and I’m not willing to go through this anymore. I know I do it suddenly, like a light switching. The only way I can explain it is one moment I feel safe and happy and content, maybe he has told me something that’s made me happy and kept me thinking all is ok, then the next he might ignore me or send the wrong response and all of a sudden I turn. I guess it’s an attention thing on my part- just hoping he will beg me to change my mind and reconsider and then things will be fine again for a few days whilst he gives me the attention I crave, so I don’t turn again. It sounds desperate and childish whilst I type it out, but in the moment my head is always such a mess that I don’t know what else to do. It’s almost like I’m bi polar about the whole situation. I’m not sure if that makes any sense to anyone but it’s the only way I can explain it. It’s awful though and obviously not how I have ever acted n a real stable relationship- in fact I hate myself for doing it- but it’s almost like I can’t help it and I’m obsessed! 

[Lurker123]

13 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

, I'm sure he means all of that sweet talk in the moment but then gets home to wifey and the kids and his life goes back to normal.

Yes this is very true. I’ve said to him many times that I don’t feel like I exist as soon as weekends and evenings come round. Fridays are always awful and holidays worse. I may get the odd occasional message at a weekend ‘thinking about you’ etc, but I’m mostly too worried to respond in case it’s seen and even if I do reply, he very rarely responds. In the 18 months that this has been ongoing- I think I have messaged him first, maybe twice. There have been so many times over that period that I’ve needed him, I’ve needed to speak to him to talk to him, but I can’t because he’s at home and how can he give me the support I need? He constantly says ‘I’m here for you’ but how can someone be there for you if you can’t call them/message them when you need them. 
 

someone else mentioned about how MM pull away when they think you’re becoming too needy, and this is definitely what had happened here. Strange because only a couple of months ago, I was beginning to get on with my life and HE was the needy one- but the tables have turned and I don’t even know how- I just know I need to get back into that positive mindset I was in before when I told him we were over and I started IC and actually getting on with my life! 

[assertives]

39 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I see women here twisting themselves in knots wondering why their married guy said one thing but then does another - and it's not that complicated.

^^^This. Actually, I would just say it's complicated because he's a married man." The fact that he's a married man should have been closure enough. He cannot and will not be able to give you the commitment that you want because he's a married man. No buts, no what ifs. Period. Now things would be different if he came back to look for you when the ink on his divorce is dry. Because then, he'll actually be able to give you the commitment and relationship that you want. But the fact that he is still a married man is closure enough. Even if that wasn't enough, the fact that x years on and it's still the same s*** in different form, should tell you that it is what it is.

OP, you need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself how long realistically are you willing to put your life on hold, and I don't mean a couple of months, I mean years and decades on end. Because if the kids are his excuse for not being able to leave, well guess what? This excuse is going to be workable for a long long long time. Just look at lilKatKat's MM. He used the kids as an excuse too, and his kids are in their mid to late twenties! Move on, let him go. He can come back to you when he's divorced. Everything else is frankly just noise. Don't let it distract or manipulate you.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

I see women here twisting themselves in knots wondering why their married guy said one thing but then does another - and it's not that complicated. 

No, it’s not that complicated. These women make it so much more complicated than it needs to be... simply because they fail to recognize and accept the simple truth - he is married to another woman, and thus not available.

Despite the ring on his finger, there is nothing stopping him from talking with other women, “dating” another women, or even having sex with another women... but there is always a limit to what he can offer. Wishing, and hoping, and wanting it to be different does not make it so. 

It seems there is nothing like a pandemic when your lover is stuck at home with his family, and contact is limited, to bring clarity. And it turns out, it’s not actually all that complicated at all...

Edited April 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[lifeoflies]

On 7/3/2019 at 2:42 PM, Lurker123 said:

how ridiculous the situation is.

its not ridiculous..you gave your heart to a man who cant reciprocate.  sad

[Lurker123]

38 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

On 7/3/2019 at 7:42 PM, Lurker123 said:

 

its not ridiculous..you gave your heart to a man who cant reciprocate.  sad

This made me cry, because it is sad, for every woman. Not just me or other OWs, but for BWs too. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, sometimes I am envious of her- because she goes through life not knowing any of this and just sees him as her husband and has no clue he has me on the side, telling me he loves me and wants a future with me and that I am his soulmate. It feels ridiculous though. I know I never should have fallen for him. I wish I didn’t love him. I don’t even know why at the moment. I wish the heart was something we had control over. 

[Lurker123]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

seems there is nothing like a pandemic when your lover is stuck at home with his family, and contact is limited, to bring clarity. And it turns out, it’s not actually all that complicated at all...

You’ve hit the nail on the head there. It turns out when they can’t see us and get all the ‘extras’ that come with affairs and just get the sh*tty messages and the jealousy, the true colours of what this is about are shown. Also the risk is higher- they are at home, higher risk of being caught, spending more time with BW, possibly even reconnecting and sleeping together more as no one else to ‘get it’ from. Sounds awful and heartless, but when you break it down- that is the truth in black and white. 

[Lurker123]

2 hours ago, assertives said:

 

OP, you need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself how long realistically are you willing to put your life on hold, and I don't mean a couple of months, I mean years and decades on end. Because if the kids are his excuse for not being able to leave, well guess what? This excuse is going to be workable for a long long long time

I know. I have thought about this more over the last couple of weeks than ever before. I remember a conversation we had, ironically almost a year ago, where I said to him ‘I don’t want to be here in another years time’ and he replied ‘of course not, I would never expect you to be here in another year- why do you think you would be?’ Well guess what..... It’s almost laughable when I think about it. Pathetic really. Today has been my lowest for a LONG time. I keep thinking how I almost got out a couple of months ago, how I was so close and now I’m back to square one again, facing the agony of moving on from this again, but this time with no outward distractions!  It just feels impossible and I could scream at the frustration within me. 

[preraph]

He and his family are using this time of lockdown as a big vacation and finally spend fun time together.  

[Lurker123]

33 minutes ago, preraph said:

 

He and his family are using this time of lockdown as a big vacation and finally spend fun time together. 

 

Thanks for that... 😂

Question is... why do they need a lockdown to ‘finally’ spend fun time together? If things were that great in the first place and they are such a perfect family unit and have so much fun- why was he sleeping with me?!  🤷🏽‍♀️ Just proves even more so if it’s true what a lieing/cheating scumbag he actually is... 🙄

[preraph]

Lots of time on their hands.  I don't know their schedules, but it is true a lot of families can't even hardly coordinate vacations when they have to consider school and work.  So right now a lot of people are having more time than they've ever had.  It's making a lot of them surly, but I'm sure others are enjoying it and maybe reconnecting.  

[lifeoflies]

1 hour ago, Lurker123 said:

It feels ridiculous though. I know I never should have fallen for him. I wish I didn’t love him. I don’t even know why at the moment. I wish the heart was something we had control over. 

Women almost always lead with their hearts.  Men dont do that.  It's bound to happen to you guys more.  that is sad.  i'm sorry for your pain

Edited April 27, 2020 by lifeoflies

[Lurker123]

55 minutes ago, lifeoflies said:

Women almost always lead with their hearts.  Men dont do that.  It's bound to happen to you guys more.  that is sad.  i'm sorry for your pain

Thank you for your kind words. Women are definitely more emotional that’s for sure!