So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[Lov3foo1]

Reading this thread made me cry.

 

I have yet to post my own affair story for various reasons. Maybe one day I'll do it, maybe I won't. But my story is fairly similar...I left my husband (filed back in April this year); he stayed with his wife.

 

This thread made me cry because I guess I just feel sorry for us women who were/are in the same boat. Are we so disillusioned and brain-washed by the Hollywood happily ever after fairytales, that we have such bravery/enormous stupidity to flip our own lives upside-down to chase after some dream? All the while our xMM's decide to stay in reality so to be selfless/cowards.

 

We really are just a bunch of love fools aren't we? Sitting up in our beds reading threads like this for months on end, trying to find answers we'll never receive from those who chose to leave us out in the cold. Hoping to be told by a bunch of strangers online that no, we're not worthless. And still waiting for some miracle that maybe one day they'll wake up and realize how they'd rather not live without us, that yes they will move mountains so to be with us.

 

I've been reading enough posts on this forum to know that the healing will be long and painful. So, to OP and others experiencing the same heartaches - let's ride it out together. And hopefully we too can one day (sooner rather than later) share stories of getting through to the other side.

[Lurker123]

Reading this thread made me cry.

 

I have yet to post my own affair story for various reasons. Maybe one day I'll do it, maybe I won't. But my story is fairly similar...I left my husband (filed back in April this year); he stayed with his wife.

 

This thread made me cry because I guess I just feel sorry for us women who were/are in the same boat. Are we so disillusioned and brain-washed by the Hollywood happily ever after fairytales, that we have such bravery/enormous stupidity to flip our own lives upside-down to chase after some dream? All the while our xMM's decide to stay in reality so to be selfless/cowards.

 

We really are just a bunch of love fools aren't we? Sitting up in our beds reading threads like this for months on end, trying to find answers we'll never receive from those who chose to leave us out in the cold. Hoping to be told by a bunch of strangers online that no, we're not worthless. And still waiting for some miracle that maybe one day they'll wake up and realize how they'd rather not live without us, that yes they will move mountains so to be with us.

 

I've been reading enough posts on this forum to know that the healing will be long and painful. So, to OP and others experiencing the same heartaches - let's ride it out together. And hopefully we too can one day (sooner rather than later) share stories of getting through to the other side.

I’m so sorry to hear about your own personal experience and how this has hit home for you. I agree- we do all feel worthless. It’s so nice to have all the feedback on this forum- good and bad- it makes you realise you are not the only person going through this! It would be interesting to hear your story when you are ready to tell it.

 

I haven’t been on in a couple of days as MM broke NC on Friday- sent the message I’ve been dreading but pathetically secretly hoping for. The same usual rubbish as you can imagine- miss you etc etc. Stupidly I replied, although it took me a couple of hours as I was so conflicted. Conversation went on into the night- but again felt like it went no where and although it ended on a friendly note- I still feel the same as I did last week- in that I know he can’t offer me more- so why should this carry on? I just hope I haven’t given him false hope that all is fine and dandy and we will carry this on- but at the same time I don’t want to go through all the explaining my reasons and meeting up- only to end distraught as he leaves again.

 

I wish I was stronger. I finally told my sister about all of this and although she was supportive and told me many home truths- she also said she struggles to find sympathy and if I keep going back then I have no one to blame but myself. I can understand her point of view as if I wasn’t in this situation myself- it’s likely I’d say the same!

 

A couple of the other posters mentioned their children- and I agree with what they’ve said in that the emotional turmoil and almost depression you fall into from this situation takes away from them. My children have asked me many times why I’m crying and why I’m so angry/upset when I have no need to be. Some days I struggle to get out of bed, let alone give them all the attention they need and deserve and I know that is not fair and is my main reason for trying to end all of this and move on.

 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend- so glad I’ve found this forum and all the support it gives x

[spiritedaway2003]

@Spirited - I know, right?! We have such similar situations.

 

The fears you mentioned are valid, especially the first one because I have seen that be an issue on this forum time and time again. You would never want him to leave, turn to you, then decided 'Oh no, I made a mistake". As much as it hurts, you have to walk away and let him figure it out....and in most cases, what they figure out is that they need to stay where they are.

 

The 2nd fear, you have no control over that. While the A with you did not help his situation, he was having unresolved issues before he ever met you. The A with you was a coping mechanism. That is why they say most MM enter into affairs...conflict avoidant. This is what should lead you into Fear #3.

 

Fear #3 is that he hasn't resolved anything, but comes back to you again because he misses you only to realize that he hasn't figured it out and recoils again (exactly what happened with mine).

This is why it is better to just move on. It hurts so much to let it go, but love shouldn't be this complicated and filled with fear.

 

Fear #1, yes, and that's why I'm staying away. He's going through IC/MC and I think he will decide to stay where he is (because I know there's a lot to give up). I've come to terms with it, and I hope things work out in in the long run, for both of us, in our respective lives, even if we aren't together. It might not be what I want, but it might be for the best. There is a lot of love, but you're right, it shouldn't be this difficult. Fear #2: I agreed that the A did not help with his situation. Although he says to me that many times that I'm not blame for whatever happens in his marriage, I couldn't hear it (I always thought he says it to protect me from hurt). What you said helped, thank you so much. Fear #3: That might happen, but I'm less fearful of this one because we've already gone through the back and forth. What's different with us is that D day happened, it's already in the open. We know what the stakes are.

 

Thanks so much for your support. I'm not quite ready to move on just yet, but I know I'll get there in time. I wish you the best as well.

Edited July 7, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[notmyfinestmoment]

I haven’t been on in a couple of days as MM broke NC on Friday- sent the message I’ve been dreading but pathetically secretly hoping for. The same usual rubbish as you can imagine- miss you etc etc. Stupidly I replied, although it took me a couple of hours as I was so conflicted. Conversation went on into the night- but again felt like it went no where and although it ended on a friendly note- I still feel the same as I did last week- in that I know he can’t offer me more- so why should this carry on? I just hope I haven’t given him false hope that all is fine and dandy and we will carry this on- but at the same time I don’t want to go through all the explaining my reasons and meeting up- only to end distraught as he leaves again.....I wish I was stronger.......My children have asked me many times why I’m crying and why I’m so angry/upset when I have no need to be. Some days I struggle to get out of bed, let alone give them all the attention they need and deserve and I know that is not fair and is my main reason for trying to end all of this and move on.

 

I feel for you, really, I do. It is so hard to let go and unfortunately may take a couple of back/fourths to get there. If you think about it if we were able to be that strong, we probably would have never been involved in an A to begin with. So, we have to make ourselves strong.

 

Do not beat yourself up over the conversation (and it is completely understandable that while you know it is best not to hear from him, hearing from him was soothing, that you knew he was unhappy too, I get it). It sounds like even though he gave you the I miss you's, etc. (and I do believe his feelings are real), you were able to keep your perspective. Meeting up probably isn't the best idea, because it will be more of a "wash, rinse, repeat" (insert my own stupidity here).

 

Our children....yes, it really is hard taking away from them like this. I put on my game face for the 4th of July, but mentally, I was only half there. I hate that and I know you do too! Which is why we need to find a way to heal so that our kids have all of us.

[Lurker123]

It is without a doubt the worst emotional rollercoaster I’ve ever been on. It ranges from moments of feeling ok, when you’re distracted, to moments of complete agony (like when you wake up in the morning- and the first 2 seconds before you remember everything are ok- and then it all comes crashing back), to feeling anger and despair about the fact that he keeps me hanging on like this- KNOWING how I feel- but still not acknowledging what this is doing to me or making it any better. I can’t understand how he can walk away from me- seeing how completely distraught I was last time I saw him and then continue to contact me- but not with anything different to say. I just feel completely out of control of my own life- knowing exactly what I want but it being completely out of my hands. I feel like I could have done no more to make myself available- I am here waiting for him and yet he can’t do the same, but won’t let me go either. I wish more than anything that I had a crystal ball so I could see my life in a years time and see whether it is worth me waiting and gong through all this agony, or whether it’s a complete waste of my time. I know it’s not just the leaving part- it’s all the crap that comes with it- but surely if you want something that much then you just do it- I know it’s what I did- I just couldn’t live the lie anymore.

 

Sorry for the rant- just having a massive down day today. Spent the day alone and have a night alone ahead (I’m in the UK if timings sound weird btw!) so just dwelling on everything with no distraction.

 

Love to you all- especially the ladies and gents going through the exact same thing- don’t be a stranger- it feels so good to let it all out on here with little judgement x

[notmyfinestmoment]

I am really sorry you are having a bad day. Unfortunately, you will be having several of those. Sometimes you might get a few good hours in, then maybe a couple of good days, and a bad day might creep in, until one day there is no more days consumed by the thoughts of him. At least that is what everyone says. I am hoping this is the hard part and once we get through the next several weeks, it will get easier.

 

OMG, your timeframe is the same as mine! I wake up and for a second feel normal and then realize the nightmare is real and everything is really over. Then spend the rest of the day on a roller coaster ride until it is time to go to bed. It takes a little while to get to sleep because all you can think of is him, right? Then you wake up and the vicious circle starts all over again. And weekends are even worse!

 

Mine did the same, would call and act like my buddy. It was so confusing. I don't think it is necessarily intentional. He is trying to get through it to and reaching out to you makes it feel better if only for a minute (because nothing has changed on his end, he may want it to, but he just doesn't have the courage). It is his way of staying connected to you even though he can't be with you. Self-serving? ABSOLUTELY! I don't think he really thinks about how it is hurting you because he more than likely thinks it feels good to talk to you and you would feel the same way.

 

Now that he has reached out and the exchange was friendly, expect the contact to continue. It's all a matter of how you want to continue. Proceed with caution though...HUGS!

[spiritedaway2003]

II’m so sorry to hear about your own personal experience and how this has hit home for you. I agree- we do all feel worthless. It’s so nice to have all the feedback on this forum- good and bad- it makes you realise you are not the only person going through this! It would be interesting to hear your story when you are ready to tell it.

 

Some days are just so harder than others, but we can get through it. Hang in there Lurker123.

 

I will say that there are days when I felt pretty lame. He's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and often the person I think of at night. Sometimes, I'm like, "What the (#%*()%"?" I've given myself permission to not beat myself over it. Don't beat yourself over how you feel. If it's easy, we wouldn't be here. Hang in there.

 

I'm still early in my "recovery" (same as dazey) with strict NC. It hadn't been easy. To be honest, it's alarming how often he's still on my mind.

 

I will say that I have a strong sense of self long before the A happened, and that took a beating (but I will be ok). There had been many conflicting feelings: I am disappointed for betraying myself. I am ashamed of being involved with a MM (I never thought I'd be susceptible to it). I'm remorseful for the hurt and devastation it caused to his wife and kids. Those are all true. And whether it's right or wrong, my love for him had also been real. He told me that he's never felt that way before, and I felt the same. I didn't ask for it but I fell in love with him. Getting involved with an unavailable man was the mistake (he belonged to someone else - his wife, I call it out to make this even more real). But, falling in love? There's nothing I regret there.

 

Whatever it is you're dealing with, don't think for a second that you're worthless. You're not. You've just fallen into a hole, but you'll get out of it.

 

I had always been a happy, self-adjusted person and I hope to find that person again. Better yet, I hope to find a stronger version of that person -- someone who can set better boundaries so she won't ever fall prey to it again, in future relationships. And I hope you find yourself again.

 

He had a choice, and actions speak louder than words. Look to that as the truth. Remember, you don't have to sit and wait around. Don't forget, you have a choice too. You could choose to dwell on it, or you could choose to move on and become stronger. It will take time, but you will get there.

 

Then there are those days where you just want to wallow in your sorrows. And that's OK, too.

 

Watch some sad movies. Give yourself a good cry. You might feel better.

 

Just know that you're not alone in this.

 

(((HUGS)))

Edited July 7, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[Lov3foo1]

Anyone else ever had nights where they randomly wake up and find themselves on the verge of crying? I’ve had several of these episodes and I was curious if I’m overreacting.

 

Almost every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is check my work chat just to see if he’s already signed on for the day. And I check his work chat status throughout the day. Yes I hate myself for this, and this is the one avenue I cannot remove his presence from. His presence lingers on...even though I haven’t spoken to him for about six months now.

[Scarlet86]

@love3foo1 yes I’m currently having one of those today. I keep having dreams where I fight with MMs wife and it’s rrally wearing me down. I’ve cried the whole way to work wondering when this gets better. I’m on week 5 and it’s just getting harder. I don’t want to be sad about this anymore.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Sounds like everyone is having a rough time today (me too). From what I read, it takes a good few months to start feeling better. I think the 6 week mark is a killer for most. Fortunately, I haven't had any dreams about him and I hope it stays that way. When I sleep is the only time I'm not thinking about this.

 

 

Hugs everyone!

[Lurker123]

As Dazey predicted quite rightly- more messages followed today. Started off friendly asking how weekend was etc- then moved on to how he felt so positive after last speaking to me. I tried to explain that all I was doing in my messages was telling him the truths and in no way was saying I wanted to get back into this- but it fell on deaf ears and him asking if he could come see me to talk- which I solidly said absolutely not to. I actually started to feel angry as he was questioning why I had said certain things if I didn’t mean them etc etc and I suddenly thought ‘how dare you question me!’ I challenged him outright about points he’s never answered in messages previously and he skirted round the issues again- giving vague responses as to why he couldn’t leave and how he ‘wished things were different’ and wished he hadn’t hurt me blah blah. I ended up snapping and saying that I was glad he had finally been honest and that I could see the situation for what it really was i.e. going absolutely no where! It then turned to sadness for us both as I once again said I can’t do this any more for my own sanity. It ended with him saying ‘I’ll see’ that he can resolve it somehow- but quite honestly I just feel a little over it today. I’m so tired of it all. So tired of feeling worthless and not good enough. I can’t understand how someone can say they love you so much- yet continue to toy with you and give you false hope- but at the same time almost say things will never change. I’m a fool for even entertaining it I know-but with each day that passes I lose a little more patience and I keep thinking- maybe this is how I end it- I just get so fed up of him that I just lose interest!

 

Thanks again everyone for the advice so far- reading all your messages and taking it all in. So interesting reading everyone’s stories and the different threads on everyone. Feel like I’m not in the beat headspace to give anyone advice at the moment- but where I can I absolutely will x

[NomiMalone]

As a former OW myself who’s still struggling to truly move on from MM, I wanted to say - remember that, as unbearable our pain is right now, it doesn’t compare to that of the BSs’ out there, who are the real victims.

 

We are free to walk away and go on to live our lives however we want to. But the BSs, if there was a D-day, are forced to deal with the aftermath of a betrayal of the worst kind and the end of their life as they know it. And if there was no D-day, they’re still stuck with a husband who, unbeknownst to them, lies and betrays them every day.

 

The best thing we can do for ourselves is dig deep to discover why we ever chose to get into this situation to begin with. It won’t be pretty, but it’s necessary and something we can learn and grow from.

 

Hugs to all of you xx

[NomiMalone]

Even though ending things with MM now and forcing yourself to go NC is harder than you could ever have imagined, staying in contact will make the pain even worse down the track as your attachment to him grows, but yet he has nothing but the same breadcrumbs to offer you. Better to end things on your own terms now whilst you still have the power. It’ll be 10000x better than having him end it, or ghost you.

 

For me, these were the 2 realisations about my own A that made me ready to end things for good (although I’m still not really out of the woods yet):

 

1)I realised that at his impending 40th birthday, he would get his wish - to be happily surrounded by his kids, wife, parents, other family, friends and colleagues, who all think the world of him. When I pictured that scene, it became very clear to me what was above all important to him - the family life they have built together and his identity as a “good man” who provides for his family. I have no doubt that his feelings for me were real, but it wasn’t enough to uproot a happy, comfortable life for. Not to mention losing custody of his kids, the child support he’d have to pay for the next 10 years, costly divorce, his fall from grace as a home-wrecker etc.

 

2)I’m 99% sure my MM was a cake-eating, predatory, potential serial cheater. He even once in casual conversation admitted that he “loved women”. I believe he grooms young women for affairs, and this for him wouldn’t be hard, as he is youngish himself (in his late 30s), and very good looking. I believe MM like him are the worst type of MM - they have little empathy or remorse and have somehow convinced themselves that their continual infidelity is justified.

 

Once I woke up to the fact that my MM was that type of person, the rose tinted glasses came off quote quickly. The pain of loss, and the denial, was still real and intense. But thinking back now, I guess in the end, what I was grieving over wasn’t so much the “relationship” I had with MM, but rather the lost hope, and the illusion I stupidly harboured in the early days, that he was the most wonderful man in the universe and that he and I had a unique connection. I miss how happy I was in those days. For a long time, what kept me in the A was a fear that I’d never again meet anyone for whom I’d feel such a connection. Towards the end, that stopped mattering... I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than feel the pain I was feeling in the A.

 

I can’t express what a godsend these threads on LS have been for making me feel less alone in the situation I’ve found myself in, and for the wisdom and perspectives.

Edited July 9, 2019 by NomiMalone

[notmyfinestmoment]

1)I realised that at his impending 40th birthday, he would get his wish - to be happily surrounded by his kids, wife, parents, other family, friends and colleagues, who all think the world of him. When I pictured that scene, it became very clear to me what was above all important to him - the family life they have built together and his identity as a “good man” who provides for his family. I have no doubt that his feelings for me were real, but it wasn’t enough to uproot a happy, comfortable life for. Not to mention losing custody of his kids, the child support he’d have to pay for the next 10 years, costly divorce, his fall from grace as a home-wrecker etc.

 

WOW! I had the same impending 40th birthday coming later this summer with my MM. All I could think is when he is surrounded by the people that are important in his life, I wouldn't be one of them. I knew my place and it was one of the reasons I pushed back in May.

[NomiMalone]

WOW! I had the same impending 40th birthday coming later this summer with my MM. All I could think is when he is surrounded by the people that are important in his life, I wouldn't be one of them. I knew my place and it was one of the reasons I pushed back in May.

 

That’s the exact same realisation I came to - that at one of the biggest events of his life, I wouldn’t even so much as receive an invite (not that I’d wanted to attend. I couldn’t imagine ever coming face to face with his wife or kids). And having to accept it and be ok with it. Uggghh we deserve so much better!

[Lurker123]

Hey all. Hope everyone’s ok- just been catching up on all the threads.

Haven’t posted in a while- last couple of weeks have been difficult. MM carried on messaging as we thought he would. However, this time has been different. Not as persistent and making the bare minimal contact. If anything this felt worse than NC! We ended up meeting in the week and nothing was achieved out of that. We’re meant to be discussing the whole situation but ended up with general chit chat and then only towards the end did we have a serious conversation. I heave to say when he left I felt no further forward and actually when he left, felt worse and actually quite stupid. I thought long and hard about what he was bringing to my life and actually the more I thought about it- the more annoyed I became! We can’t go out for dinner, he can’t stay the night, meet my children, sit and watch tv with me, cook dinner with me... because he is at home doing all that with his WIFE. He can give me no assurance as to when he will leave and if anything the excuses keep getting more and more unbelievable. The fact he is using his daughter as the one reason to stay, to me, seems comeplete rubbish!

 

I left it with him on Tuesday that we needed a break (I disguised it as HE needed a break and to go away and think about everything) I need time to think about this all and get my head around it. I’ve not heard from him now in 4 days and I have to be honest- it’s easier being NC than getting half hearted messages here and there. I miss him like crazy and the nights are so hard and when I sit down and realise how much I actually miss him. I guess heart takes a while to catch up with head! Ladies (and gents) I just feel like we are worth so much more than this surely?! It’s just so hard to imagine meeting someone you have that same connection with, but I WANT to, I really do and realise I can’t do that whilst I’m caught up on him! I don’t know when I will get over this and move on, if ever, but I do really want to! I wish he would just tell me it was over as feel that would be easier than the waiting and not knowing.

 

Love to all x

[Naivewomen]

Hi Lurker,

 

I am so sorry that you are in tremendous pain. Your MM like most still wants to enjoy having his cake and eating it too. He still feels very entitled (that is until he gets caught).

He will continue to throw you kibbles as long as you allow it. Please trust all the OW on this forum and believe because you separated fro your spouse your MM will never do the samething. What's missing for him may not be quite as big of a deal for him and much more manageable. He will try to convince you that he is unhappy however if you press him too makes decisions based on his unhappiness you will receive very vague and clouded responses.

 

You already know where this is going! Now you need to build up the internal strength to eliminate yourself from this mess. He CANT and WONT make you HAPPY. Dont you deserve to be HAPPY??

[Lurker123]

Thank you @NW. I completely get where you are coming from and when I read what you’re saying it makes total sense- it’s just when you apply it to your own situation it seems to be different which seems so silly! I know if it was my sister/friend in this position I would be telling them exactly what you have said above- that they need to move on and deserve better.

 

I just don’t get what MM get out of this though? Can any ex (or current MM) shed any light? If he had told me over the last few months it was nothing more than a fling and he didn’t want anything else from it- I would have accepted it and would no way be asking him questions about leaving- so why does he keep implying he will- if that is not his intention!? Surely it is a massive risk to do so as he knows it will annoy me and he can’t give me a straight answer? I wish I could be inside his head for 2 minutes so I could see how his brain worked!

 

I honestly do want to move on- I just wish I was strong enough to tell him straight and never have to see him again! Unfortunately my work situation does not allow that though x

[Naivewomen]

@Lurker,

I know exactly what you mean when you say how your situation feels different. I invested 5 years because I thought my situation was different. You are on this site because your gut is telling you it's not all that different from the others here. You are just trying to make sense of it all. When you break it down it looks like this:

He enjoys his time with you there is no doubt.

He is happy when he is with you.

He does love all the things about you that he tells you.

However, they (MM) are able to separate those feelings! We as women can never understand this. Men can do it we are not capable Period.

I always felt like how can he not feel torn like I do when I'm home and etc.

They keep their responsibilities of their family in check the entire time. Its mind boggling to me. Never could I understand this.

You are actually helping him stay happily married (sounds insane but its true). Hes happy in both places (he will tell you otherwise).

He needs to future fake with you because it's his last string to keep you coming for him.

You are fighting an internal war alone. You won't win. I'm sorry!

It's a very toxic situation and your health will.suffer.

Please put YOU first.

Keep posting here and reading it really does help!

[heartwhole2]

I'm not an MP but I think this is a question about human nature in general.

 

We humans have a tendency to want what we want, and then to fill in the reasons why it's OK later. Humans enjoy sex and connection and flattery and illicit thrills. They activate our pleasure centers. But we are also thinking, moral creatures, and we don't like being hypocrites or liars or cheaters, so then MP think, "Ah, it's OK because maybe I will really leave my marriage some day/we have an incredible connection so it must be meant to be/my wife doesn't make an effort any more/I never told her I would leave my wife so she knows the deal" etc etc etc.

 

In many cases, the "reasons" come after the desire to justify something. They help us deal with guilt and self-doubt. But they don't really hold up to scrutiny, so we experience cognitive dissonance. For a lot of MP, they pull back when the cognitive dissonance becomes too great. But then when they want a dopamine hit, they're back.

 

You can't look at a person's actions and assume they represent logical choices with long-term planning involved. Most people don't have the self-awareness to recognize the ways they justify things which they know are wrong. I've never had an affair but I've certainly approached situations where I wanted something and then filled in the good-sounding reasons why it was OK later.

 

Conflict avoidance is a common trait among married people who have affairs. So IMO these people are even less likely than the average person to be aware of their own motives and capable of being honest even when it's uncomfortable.

[Turning point]

... all started as a bit of messaging-led to more and has carried on since. We messaged every day (with the exception of weekends/holidays etc and the usual no messaging after 6pm rule.. and met up once or twice a week for a couple of hours.. he has never done anything to show that he will change his situation ..

 

I think you have gotten so mired in the details that you have lost sight of the big picture.

 

The above quote is from your original post - read it again. Here, you describe how each of you set specific rules or engagement to conduct a secret relationship on the side.

 

Within weeks you had left your husband, decided this was destiny, and expected him to change his life for you. THAT WAS NOT THE DEAL!

 

The deal was: "no messaging after 6:00pm, no weekends or holidays, a couple hours once or twice a week, and constant secrecy."

 

I'm no fan of infidelity but, it seems pretty clear to me that you went back on your word and are attempting to change the terms of the DEAL. This was NOT a deal to rescue you from a marriage you didn't want. It was NOT a deal for true love, it was NOT a deal for companionship. This was a deal for some secret thrills on the side.

 

As much as I'd like to condemn the married man (and let's face it - he's a stereotypical cheater) he's not the problem. It's you that overturned the apple cart. You made a deal with the devil - and in this case the devil is simply acting in accord with those terms.

 

This relationship has no future, and if you're honest with yourself you've known that all along. As someone mentioned above - this affair is a result of your own conflict avoidance. The MM issue is like chasing your own tail. I'm confident he's not a solution to anything that's going on in your life.

Edited July 20, 2019 by Turning point

[Turning point]

I've never had an affair but, if I were the MM here's what this would look like to me:

 

"I got involved with a MW who seemed cool with this, and everything was going well on the down low. Then she dumps her husband and starts asking me when I'm going to dump my family, WTF?

 

What is she gets angry? What if she loses her sh*t and tells my wife? She literally has my wife, my daughter, and my future held hostage to her whim. All I can do is string her along and try to keep a lid on this. If I dump her - she might blow up my family. If it gets to hot and heavy it will get discovered. How can I get her to take a hint and just walk away?"

 

OP, you've been repeating how you should go NC with this guy. Just do it. This affair has already given you the best it can - it motivated you to leave your marriage, it has you looking more deeply at your own self. That's as good as it ever gets. Take your chips and walk away from the table while you're still a winner.

Edited July 20, 2019 by Turning point

[Bittersweetie]

If you want to truly move on, then frankly...you need to stop focusing on MM and why he did what he did. You will never really know or fully understand why another person does what they do. Is it fair? No, but that is life. Take this time to focus on you, focus on becoming stronger, focus on breaking the pattern. Then you can focus on the whys for yourself. I think sometimes people focus on the AP and AP's issues in order to avoid their own issues. I know I've done it. The reality is this man is not a good partner and no amount of examination of him will change that fact. So turn your focus more productively, on yourself, where you will be able to see growth and change. Good luck.

[Lurker123]

Hey all. Just thought I’d come in and give an update as have been reading about everyone else’s.

 

Firstly, let me start by saying how embarrassed and ashamed I am to be writing this, but I need to say it and hopefully it will hit home with others too. So last update was me and MM went NC, this carried on a while then he reached out and we started messaging again. It was nothing like before, not for the first month, just general chit chat and talking about how rubbish the situation was but how we had to accept it and move on.

 

I had started to feel a bit better about it all, even went on a date! This however ended with the guy being a complete dick and making me feel even worse about myself. At possibly my lowest point in my head I was thinking that no one was ever going to compare to MM and what we had and actually had I been too harsh pushing him away when I truly felt he was my soulmate and actually no one else even comes close to what we had.

 

Stupidly I said this in so many words, which to him was a complete thumbs up to keep messaging and start the whole ‘i Miss you, I need to see you’ scenario we all know too well. So the last couple of weeks we’d been having some good talks, he explained to me the reason he hadn’t done anything about moving his home situation forward and started looking into leaving was because every time he thought about doing that I’d ‘end things’ and he’d be back to square one completely devastated and in a black hole where he couldn’t think of anything else but me and getting over me.

 

He said by me keep doing this it was pushing things back. I asked him what I was supposed to do in the meantime whilst I ‘wait’ and he said he could give me no timescales and everything was unbearable at home but he was trying to work it the best so he wasn’t prevented from seeing his daughter. He said from a selfish point of view he wouldn’t want me to go on dates/see other people, but couldn’t expect me to ‘live like s nun’.

 

Anyway, fast forward to today- first time we had seen each other in 6 weeks, he pretty much begged to come round, even though he had a very limited window of time (no changes there) he turned up, pretty much did the deed, jumped in the shower and left! No message after.. nothing. I even remember him looking st his watch half way through. I honestly feel completely sick to my stomach. I think today it’s completely hit home for me how much he has disrespected me over the last 10 months and worse- how I’ve disrespected myself.

 

I know I deserve more than this. I know it. I actually feel anger tonight- which I’ve never felt before. I also feel sad and emotional that yet again this has happened. I have no idea what I say to him now. Am I just honest and explain how I felt above? I feel he needs to know. I want so badly to move on from this, but I know what holds me back is the connection we have and my fear I won’t find that ever again. Deep down inside I know he won’t leave- I don’t even know why I’ve convinced myself for so long he will! Surely there has to be better out there for us all? Please tell me there is? x

Edited August 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Allupinnit]

I'm so sorry for the pain that you're feeling. The good news is that you still have the chance to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and try again.

 

But as you can see from your update, NC is the only way. You cannot be friends, you can't text, you can't email, you can't meet up to talk. There is nothing to talk about - he is off limits. He is married and this isn't going to change.

 

It's heartbreaking to hear of how you felt when he left, but please don't tell him. Someone who loves you would never leave you to feel like trash, and telling him so won't make you feel any better and he likely won't give you the answers/closure you're looking for, anyway.

 

Forgive yourself. Block his number. Just do it. It's liberating when you're not looking out for that text. Block his email.

 

And - if you really want any sort of true resolution you need to find another job. You're way too vulnerable right now to be around him AT ALL.