So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[mark clemson]

Please tell me I’ve done the right thing? I feel completely heartbroken at the moment ...

 

You did the right thing ending it.

 

I also know I need to be strong and realise that actually he wants his cake and to eat it and has probably been stringing me along for a while with no thoughts that he would ever end his marriage.

 

Almost certainly correct.

 

The distress will fade over time. I would point out that the less he is able to contact you, the less he will be able to (intentionally or inadvertently) re-trigger your feelings.

[DKT3]

Honestly- my marriage hasn’t been good for some time- but yes that was the final reason I ended it. It was the realisation for me that feeling for him the way I did made it completely over.

 

I agree with what you’re saying about cutting all lines. It just seems so final to do that. I guess secretly we’re all thinking ‘what if I block him at the exact time he was messaging me to confess his undying love and that he’s left his wife for good’ we all know it’s not going to happen but I guess whilst he can still contact- the hope is still there! X

 

Most women that leave for their affair attempt to go back to the husband. Right now you are so focused on how you feel about MM that its likely you have not truly dealt with what this means. It's all to common that we hear the same story, marriage was bad for years connection is amazing with MM, nothing I have every experienced. Then it is not, that's when regret sets in.

 

As for MM....well if he was to leave his wife and come for you blocking him would not prevent that...no that isnt the reason women refuse to block these guys, its because you fear he will move on without you or forget you. By leaving the lines open you leave yourself open for more rejection.

[Beentheretoooften]

Hi lurker. Happy 4th. Nice to see a new poster on here and welcome. I’m curious as to how you met this mm? Had you known him a while? You’re getting great support on here as you can see. I, sometimes go to bat for the MM a little, as I am one, a decade long with single AP, and currently in Nc that i initiated. I know most mm are liars obvs, I’ve always tried to point out, that they are not all the same. I loved my AP, still do, think about her everyday. It’s very very hard for me, but I understand the whole thing about actually leaving family behind and everything that would come with that. The thing is, we didn’t mean it to progress as fast and deep as it got. Before we knew it, we were inseparable. But for us, right from the start we were clear that I would never leave. I guess that’s the difference with us, verse all the mm’s that actually tell the AP, “I just need some more time, but I’m definitely leaving”. He loves you no doubt. Probably more than you think, which probably makes it much harder. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% over mine. It makes me sad. But, I’m doing all the things that AP’s do to get away from their mm. How friggin ironic. Wishing you strength and hope.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hi! Just another LS person here to say you are doing the right thing. As time goes by you will gain greater clarity and eventually find relief. Don't go backwards. Be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions--just sit with them as they come, cry when you can, journal, scream into your pillow...just try to get it all out. It gets better. You know you are not happy with the status quo. The only way the status quo will change is if you change. You can do this!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

This is exactly what happened with me. He came to the conclusion that he didn't want a future without me in it. He decided he was going to have a talk with her, however, when he said he didn't feel the same way about her, she was in shock. She thought he was going through a mid-life crisis. She wanted to go to therapy. She was even more in shock when he said he has felt this way for a couple of years. She was very hurt and he wasn't prepared for it at all. That was where everything changed for us. When he saw what it would do to her, he just couldn't do it. She does not know about the affair.

 

 

As for dating, I have an absolutely wonderful man knocking on my door. He is my age, single, attractive, has two kids that are in college, has a great job, and is really thoughtful. The timing couldn't be worse though. I really don't think I can be anything to him and I don't want to hurt him (hurt people, hurt people). It makes me mad that had I stuck with one of the many times I had tried to break from MM, I may have been at a place where this could have worked. For now though, I can't think of even kissing someone else. I just need some time, unfortunately, this wonderful/available guy probably won't be available then!

 

Sorry for the thread-jack, but Dazey, why don't you tell him (if you haven't already) that you are getting over a heartbreak and ask if he will be really, really patient with you...maybe tell him you think he is a really neat guy and you want to give him a chance and give him the relationship he deserves, so please just have some patience for you while you slowly open your heart towards him. (Sorry if a bit rambley--it's late!)

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Honestly- my marriage hasn’t been good for some time- but yes that was the final reason I ended it. It was the realisation for me that feeling for him the way I did made it completely over.

 

I agree with what you’re saying about cutting all lines. It just seems so final to do that. I guess secretly we’re all thinking ‘what if I block him at the exact time he was messaging me to confess his undying love and that he’s left his wife for good’ we all know it’s not going to happen but I guess whilst he can still contact- the hope is still there! X

 

With my xMM I did not block because it helped me to see he was not contacting me. I'm not saying your MM will do the same, but knowing (rather than wondering) made it a bit easier for me in the beginning.

[Lurker123]

Thank you everyone who has replied and given me advice. I honestly appreciate it more than you will ever know. The fact you’ve all taken time to comment means the world. It’s so nice finally hearing opinions and other people’s situations after so long of not being able to speak to anyone about this.

 

Today has been massively hard I can’t pretend it hasn’t been. I haven’t heard anything at all from MM and usually when I end things he bombards me with messages until I reply. I know this is for the best and this is what I asked him to do, but it still completely breaks me that I think he’s finally given up on me and moved on after all we said to each other and how upset he saw me only a couple of days ago. I hate myself for even thinking like this about it all- I know NC ia the only way forward- but I sat down at lunch time and had a little cry because I feel so alone and honestly miss him so much. I’m trying to stay strong but I feel like if he asked me to speak to him I would- just because I miss his voice and him making me laugh.

 

Thanks again everyone x

[Lurker123]

With my xMM I did not block because it helped me to see he was not contacting me. I'm not saying your MM will do the same, but knowing (rather than wondering) made it a bit easier for me in the beginning.

I agree! But at the same time it’s so difficult isn’t it? I feel like I’m checking my phone every couple of minutes just to see if he has actually messaged me! All I keep thinking is I was obviously easy to forget x

[Beentheretoooften]

@lurker not a chance in hell he has forgotten. 0%. Believe me

[preraph]

He's probably already online looking for his next affair partner.

[somanymistakes]

This guy is lying to you and making excuses. His wife can't stop him from seeing his daughter. Cheating is not even I considered factor in divorces and child custody. He's just using that as an excuse. He doesn't want to leave his family and that's fine.

 

just as an aside (don't worry I'm not disagreeing with your conclusion):

 

• in the US, cheating generally makes no difference to custody divisions in a divorce. it's possible for it to matter if the judge is being weird, but officially it doesn't.
   
  
• in many states, the custody arrangements may include some sort of 'paramour' exclusion which prevents you from introducing a new romantic partner to your kids or having them stay overnight. They do not actually ban custody, and they're very hard to enforce.
   
  
• in SOME states, cheating does matter in the divorce in terms of the financial and alimony split. This depends on where you're living.
   
  
• Many men do legitimately worry that their wives have the unequivocal right to take the children and keep full custody and never let him see them. This usually happens because they don't know what the laws really are, they've heard a bunch of overblown father's rights posts making them think the world is out to get them, and/or they're browbeaten by their spouse. Luckily if they think to ask anyone for help, they get the facts explained to them.
  

 

(Fathers do have unique problems, but a lot of the father's rights posts are inaccurate and do more harm than good by making men believe that they are doomed to lose)

 

Basically, if he was really afraid about the custody issues, it would not be difficult to point out that he's wrong. Unfortunately it's just an excuse.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I agree! But at the same time itÂ’s so difficult isnÂ’t it? I feel like IÂ’m checking my phone every couple of minutes just to see if he has actually messaged me! All I keep thinking is I was obviously easy to forget x

 

Everything you are feeling is normal albeit very painful. The most painful thing for me was exactly that...was I really so forgettable after all we had shared? This for me was the most hurtful part. It replayed in my mind for several months eventually welling up into enormous rage and anger. I thought about lashing out at him in the most disparaging ways that would disrupt everything in his life. Somehow I found the strength to not act out on my rage fantasies. There were a couple weeks though when it took all the strength I had to not act out, especially when I was completely devastated to the point of barely functioning and he seemed to be carrying on enjoying his holiday with wife and family with apparently no thought of me.

 

What I'm going to say next is not meant to give you false hope! After 9 months of no contact, I had a 'closure' type of conversation with help from my counsellor the day prior. We stayed in touch for a few months, then disconnected for a few months, then back in rich for a few months. Now no contact and I'm not planning to ever speak to him again. My point of this paragraph is that in the last round of communication I finally got many of my questions answered from the first NC round:

 

He said that he had seriously considered leaving his marriage in the first few months of meeting me, he was sorry he had hurt me so badly and asked what he could do to make that up to me (I told him I already did all the hard work in therapy so nothing he could do to change the past), I think he said he had been confused about my long-term intentions, he apologized for his mean words that led to the NC just before, said I was a tsunami in his life that he never expected, etc. So, try not to dwell on whether he has forgotten you. He hasn't. I know how difficult it is.

 

The bigger picture to focus on is he can never truly fulfill you and make you happy while being married to someone else. It's in his power and control to decide what he will do with his marriage, and many of those factors he weighs have nothing to do with his feelings for you.

 

If you were to ask me today how I feel about the things he said in my paragraph above, I would say I consider it a possibility that they could've been all lies...or not. I'm just tired of trying to figure it out, tired of giving my energy to someone who will never give me more, or value me for my true worth, tired of foolishly giving attention to something that yields little results when I could invest myself into much better people and projects.

 

Some day I will have figured out (maybe) how much of it was just bullcrap vs authentic, but by then, this experience will just be like a difficult course I took in college...struggled but learned a lot.

 

Hang in there. You can do it. I felt the exquisite pain once, and I just can not tell you how wonderful it is now to be back to my confident, take charge, successful, (almost back to) upbeat self like I was before xMM. You'll get there. Get plenty of rest, take care of yourself like you're recovering from a very serious surgery.

Edited July 4, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[What_Did_I_Do]

I agree! But at the same time it’s so difficult isn’t it? I feel like I’m checking my phone every couple of minutes just to see if he has actually messaged me! All I keep thinking is I was obviously easy to forget x

 

Hugs OP. You've already done the hard part by walking away. Now you white knuckle it through the detaching phase. I didn't block either and at first, checked my phone constantly to see if he sent a message advising he left his W (once and for all) and....nope. Nada. Crickets. After a week or so I stopped checking for any contact from him completely. That doesn't mean the hurt also stopped then.

 

If I can pass on any advice, make the NC about healing you and your heart, not as an ultimatum to spurn him into action. The latter rarely works.

[Rayce]

I agree! But at the same time it’s so difficult isn’t it? I feel like I’m checking my phone every couple of minutes just to see if he has actually messaged me! All I keep thinking is I was obviously easy to forget x

 

I am 8 months NC today with my xMM! I still love him but I'm walking away because it's the right thing to do... and cause some other stuff that happened that woke me up. The one thing that helped me the most was just deactivating all my social media. I didn't want to block anyone. I didn't want to put my drama all over the place. I'm looking for a job anyway so it's just best to be private. So... I'm taking a long break and it's nice not to be checking my phone every 10 or 15 mins driving myself crazy. I still have moments like today where the urge to log on but I just resist. Stay strong!

 

peace

[elaine567]

Stupidly I fell for him completely within a couple of months- left my husband as soon as I realised how I felt and have pretty much had a complete life change within this time. However' date=' although he constantly tells me he loves me, can’t be without me etc- he has never done anything to show that he will change his situation and to be quite honest I’ve got fed up of waiting. [/quote']

 

This is how it tends to work, unfortunately.

He, married with a child, was quite willing to waste your time, for years if you had let him.

Whilst you were busy dreaming of a future with him, he knew he was never leaving and he was busy devising ways to keep you around whilst he was still married.

 

Many men deliberately chose married women for an OW, as he assumes she won't leave either, so he is safe to future fake, it is all just fun and fantasy.

Once you dumped your husband, the game was up, he then was under increasing pressure to do the same. As that was never his plan, he has had to let you go.

[Lurker123]

Hi lurker. Happy 4th. Nice to see a new poster on here and welcome. I’m curious as to how you met this mm? Had you known him a while? You’re getting great support on here as you can see. I, sometimes go to bat for the MM a little, as I am one, a decade long with single AP, and currently in Nc that i initiated. I know most mm are liars obvs, I’ve always tried to point out, that they are not all the same. I loved my AP, still do, think about her everyday. It’s very very hard for me, but I understand the whole thing about actually leaving family behind and everything that would come with that. The thing is, we didn’t mean it to progress as fast and deep as it got. Before we knew it, we were inseparable. But for us, right from the start we were clear that I would never leave. I guess that’s the difference with us, verse all the mm’s that actually tell the AP, “I just need some more time, but I’m definitely leaving”. He loves you no doubt. Probably more than you think, which probably makes it much harder. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% over mine. It makes me sad. But, I’m doing all the things that AP’s do to get away from their mm. How friggin ironic. Wishing you strength and hope.

@beentheretoooften-thank you for your response- it’s interesting to see things from MM perspective. Well done for staying strong and NC for so long.

Can I ask why it was that you never considered leaving your family? Was it that you loved your wife more- or that you didn’t want to cause all the hurt and pain and go through everything that a divorce entails?

 

My MM went from saying a couple of months ago to he could never leave his daughter. To telling me on our last liaison that he was seeking financial advice, as a way to show me he was serious- but leaving was not something that would happen overnight. I now feel like he said that to pacify me and string me along a bit more. To me actions speak louder than words and I feel like if you know you want to leave a marriage- wouldn’t you just leave however hard it was going to be?

[notmyfinestmoment]

He may have very well have spoken to a Financial Advisor. Mine started looking at what it would take to sell his house, etc.. I do think they start thinking they can do it because of the strong feelings they have, BUT, when it comes down to it, they just can't take the step to move forward. Honestly, I have been divorced and know what a mess that is, so I get that part. It is a HUGE step and completely turns your life upside down. It doesn't make it hurt any less though.

 

I agree with most on here that he is thinking about you, probably can't get you out of his head (that is how it was for mine). It is a struggle for them too. And I know how much you miss hearing from him (probably killing you). I will tell you after all of the start/stops with mine, that part does get easier. I haven't checked my phone once because I do not expect to hear from him. Does that dull the missing him....NOT ONE BIT! That is why I told you it will get harder before it gets easier. I haven't had it get easier yet. In fact, this is getting worse (just as it did before he reached out this last time). We just need to ride out this bad part. The sad part is that I think it will just about ruin my entire summer, but I put on the best face I can for my kids even though I am absolutely dying inside.

[pepperbird]

So here's my stupid question of the day: If they love us (mine said he didn't love her and the marriage was loveless and lifeless), then why are they able to hurt us, watch us hurt, and walk away but they can't walk away from someone they no longer love? And with that to ponder, I can only conclude it isn't love ...

 

 

You know, it cold be that it is "love", at least his version of it.

 

You say he says he doesn't love his wife, but I think he does, in at least as much as he is capable of it. It's the same as his love for you. You know the saying about how the visible portion of an iceberg is just a tiny fraction of what's actually there? In the case of many mm/mw who are engaged in affairs, the "love" they show really is all there is. There is no deep, hidden part they don't show. It's not the fault of the object of their affections...it's just not in them to feel and act the way their spouse or ow/om would like.

 

It just is what it is, and I don't think the limitations are really due to the relationship being an affair. It could well be that really all there is to that person. It's kind of like me with math. I love the sciences and desperately wanted to go into the field, but I have a severe learning disability when it comes to math, and couldn't do it. I wanted so much for it to be different, but it wasn't, and accepting the limitations I had was so hard, but I was much happier once I did.

[Scarlet86]

The sad part is that I think it will just about ruin my entire summer, but I put on the best face I can for my kids even though I am absolutely dying inside.

 

Same here dazey. The days are dragging. Yesterday I had to force myself to do activities with my daughter to keep distracted. I have contacted a few therapists to see if that will help. I’m at exactly a month since we broke up and it’s still not getting better. I want to contact him to see if he wants the stuff left at my house but I know that isn’t good for me.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Scarlet86 - I am going to talk to an IC as well. As a cautionary tale though, I can tell you that around a month or so after the break-up, it was getting worse and he reached out. We spent a day together only to realize while that felt good, the situation hadn't changed. And now we had to hit the reset button and go back to square one on the recovery. The part you are experiencing now is the hard part. I think if you can stick it out (it may be another month or two), you may be able to get past the excruciating pain you are feeling now. I wish I would have stayed the course.

If you can, try not to contact him. Just keep trying to get through each day. My favorite time is when I go to bed. It's like, "yay, I made it through another day". Weekends are especially hard, so when Sunday night comes around it is a bigger "yay, I made it through the weekend". Our kids deserve more than that. The other day, I was at the table reading LS and my 11 year old says "are you ok Mom?". I said "yes, why?". He said "you look sad". I died a thousand deaths. I had no idea he could see that.

[Scarlet86]

@dazey72 I am holding out hope that he won’t reach back out because this last breakup he told me he loved me, shut the door and changed his phone number as he drove down the road. I think this has a lot to do with my mental struggle. I know it’s what his wife asked him to do to get back together but it’s a giant punch in the gut. He also used to be my coworker and she had him transfer to a new location. So everyday at work I am reminded that he’s not here and I’m the reason. i Just had my wisdom teeth pulled last week so I’m just a giant ball of emotions. It’s awful. I know I need to get better for my daughter

[LIRR88]

You did the right thing. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. MM saids I’m the love of his life BUT he can’t leave his young daughter. He pulled the same thing, that his wife would try to keep his daughter from him if he leaves her. It’s all BS. It’s 2019, you can’t keep someone away from their child out of spite. Also look around, there are plenty of divorced men who are still great dads. It’s just an excuse, if he wanted to leave her he would. Keep NC and never look back, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. You deserve someone that’s 100 percent available to love you.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Scarlet86 - I'm sure the wisdom teeth surgery is definitely triggering more. It probably magnifies the fact that it is another thing, due to the circumstances (if you were still together), that he couldn't be there for you.

I worked with mine as well. After he took his new job, I have had to live with his ghost and it has been really hard (luckily I work from home most of the time) and sometimes I just want to cry.

Try and stay the course. And keep posting! We will be here for you!

[spiritedaway2003]

They also worry about hurting their spouse and everyone else around them (family, friends, etc.) because what they are doing is purely for themselves. It is definitely not a decision that should be taken lightly. The last thing you would want is for him to decide that and then regret it and go back (I've seen that happen with people several times on this site)...

 

That he thinks about us together all the time and there is only one solution and he has been thinking about it, but wants to make sure he can live with the consequences. I had thought maybe he had figured some things out when he re-engaged, but he really hadn't....he just misses us and doesn't know what to do. I was nice, told him I love him and that I always will but I think the right thing for him to do is to stay where he is. He said he loved me too and would forever. He followed up with a long IM about how wonderful I am and that I have changed who he is as a person...that he didn't realize how happy he could be. That he doesn't know how he is going to get through this and all he can think about is losing me. That I deserve someone who isn't attached. Stuff like that.

 

I just saw this Dazey. Geesh, I feel like we're seeing the same guy!

 

I think I have two fears that I am hesitant to admit:

 

1) That he would leave what he had for me and then regret it and blame me for it. Which is why whatever decision he needs to make, he needs to do it for himself, and not for me.

 

2) I keep pushing him back to work on his marriage because I really believed that he needs to sort those things out first. I do worry that if his marriage doesn't work out, am I to blame for what happened? He's never blame me -- he's always said there had been issues, but I know it will be something I'll always question at the back of my mind.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Spirited - I know, right?! We have such similar situations.

 

The fears you mentioned are valid, especially the first one because I have seen that be an issue on this forum time and time again. You would never want him to leave, turn to you, then decided 'Oh no, I made a mistake". As much as it hurts, you have to walk away and let him figure it out....and in most cases, what they figure out is that they need to stay where they are.

 

The 2nd fear, you have no control over that. While the A with you did not help his situation, he was having unresolved issues before he ever met you. The A with you was a coping mechanism. That is why they say most MM enter into affairs...conflict avoidant. This is what should lead you into Fear #3.

 

Fear #3 is that he hasn't resolved anything, but comes back to you again because he misses you only to realize that he hasn't figured it out and recoils again (exactly what happened with mine).

This is why it is better to just move on. It hurts so much to let it go, but love shouldn't be this complicated and filled with fear.