So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[S2B]

So now you know that ANY communication from a MM is just a disguise for them wanting to bed you...nothing more - nothing less.

 

Why can’t that be obvious to you?

 

He may as well be asking “can I use you?” Hate to say it that way but it’s true.

 

You want things to change? Don’t ever respond to him again.

[mark clemson]

Yuck (and I'm a guy). Feel sad for you about this. I wouldn't believe a word he says after that (or am I just stating the obvious?) Whatever he may have felt once it's become this instead.

 

Stay away and keep him blocked permanently. Your distress will eventually end and then you can move on to someone who's hopefully much better (which no longer seems like a high bar to hit, sadly).

[Lurker123]

Thank you to those that have read and replied. I just woken up (UK) and feel more rubbish than ever about it all. Everyone is right- it needs to end and it needs to end now- I honestly have never felt as cheap and used as I did yesterday. I’m still struggling to get my head around it all if I’m honest. I know I deserve more- it’s just a petrifying thought having to go out and actually try and find that- I do think this whole affair has ruined me to the point where I will struggle to trust anyone else, as currently my thoughts are -that surely if I’m not good enough for him, who I gave my all to for so long, then I doubt I will be good enough for anyone. Sorry, just feel massively down today- can’t wait to finally get off this emotional rollercoaster forever.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Lurker123,

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine how bad you must feel. It is hard enough when things end on an amicably, let alone for him to do what he did. I'm sure there are a million things running through your head (why did I let him back in being the biggest one). It's a painful lesson I am sure that you never expected to get from him. Once the shock wears off with his behavior, you can start your recovery again.

 

Please be kind to yourself....it's a mistake many of us could have made.

[elaine567]

(we)..met up once or twice a week for a couple of hours before he’d have to run out to something or other.

Then yesterday...

...he turned up, pretty much did the deed, jumped in the shower and left!

 

So nothing new here really... He fitted you in, got what he wanted and left...

 

You wrote a love story around a man merely wanting NSA sex unfortunately.

[mark clemson]

... currently my thoughts are -that surely if I’m not good enough for him, who I gave my all to for so long, then I doubt I will be good enough for anyone. Sorry, just feel massively down today...

 

 

Ah, but - and it's a big but - that man you gave your all for was already taken. Trying similar with someone who isn't taken might net you very different results. Something to keep in mind while you work on getting over this.

[gettinoverit]

You know what Lurker? I think this could be your "trigger point" - the point where you finally say "enough" and block his sorry ass. What he did to you yesterday was unforgiveable. That crossed the line, BIG time. Yes, you've been used, and I see some other posters have so kindly pointed that out, as if it were needed. You already know what's happened to you. I hope you haven't spoken to him since, but even if you have, now is the time to block and never speak to him again. No explanations necessary. He knows what he did. Make THIS be your rock bottom. You know what is going to happen if you go back. More of the same. Nothing is going to change, and no magical pixie is going to come along and make him suddenly wake up to wanting you forever. The ONLY thing you can do now is walk away with what you have left intact. PLEASE do it. You will go through immense pain I know, but that pain is coming anyway and you need to push through it to the other side. Far better to do it now, than let him EVER use you again like this.

[Lurker123]

Thanks again everyone. I’ve read and re-read your replies and they’ve helped massively. It’s sometimes difficult to see things when you’re inside the box- so reading these comments has helped massively.

 

He messaged this morning, usually chirpy message, acting like all was ok, against advice I blurted out everything in a message, told him how awful it was, how I felt cheap and used and had never felt like that before. He came back with the usual excuses and for the first time ever I noticed how he tries to turn the blame round onto me, a lot of ‘but you knew I would only be there for a few moments’ ‘you could have said no’ ‘you would have been pissed if I hadn’t come so I can’t win either way’ etc. etc- so I think you are right when you say this maybe my trigger point to finally see this for what it is! In no way am I not taking responsibility for my own actions- I know I’ve done wrong and continue to do so- but I think it is finally dawning on me that I can’t live my life like this and yes I need to move forward.

 

Mark- thank you for your comment. I think what’s most difficult is I compare everyone to him. I just feel like I wouldn’t settle for anyone else with a lesser connection- and everyone I meet and is not the same I push away and if anything that draws me more to him because I honestly think I won’t find that again. It’s such a vicious circle.

[Allupinnit]

Why haven't you blocked his number yet? The circle will continue because you leave the door open every time.

 

NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC

 

It's the ONLY WAY!

Edited August 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[mark clemson]

...and everyone I meet and is not the same I push away and if anything that draws me more to him because I honestly think I won’t find that again.

 

 

(1) I think you're trying to move on a bit too fast. Understandable, but your rebounds aren't likely to stick. Something to keep in mind. Doesn't hurt to keep in practice though unless you live in a small town and are burning through the available men.

 

(2) Part of what you may have had with MM was the "excitement" of forbidden romance and of sneaking around etc. Normal relationships don't have that. Also "barriers" tend to intensify limerence. In addition your brain eventually to get used to limerence (just like you can get used to any experience) and so after something like this, the intensity becomes less for neurological reasons as well. So, it's probably not realistic to expect the same level of intensity.

 

However a more normal, down to earth relationship will have the benefits of actually being sustainable, allowing you to have the person full time, not involving deception, guilt, etc.

 

So there are some very positive trade offs.

[Lurker123]

So do I just block with no explanation? That just feels as awful as what he did to me?! He has my work email, I just don’t want him then emailing me on that demanding an explanation and making it awkward. I can’t block him from that either because we have connection through work so would raise massive suspicions with colleagues if I did! How do I ever escape this?

 

Mark I haven’t really tried to move on. I’ve been on a couple of dates because people were asking questions why I was single and moaning I was lonely the whole time and then turning down perfectly good guys. Definitely haven’t been burning through them though- quite the opposite!

 

I guess I’m just so scared I’m making a massive mistake in walking away from this. I know deep inside it’s the right thing to do though.

[mark clemson]

If you tell him upfront you want NC then he has no right to be surprised when you block him on any non-essential media and ignore him (except for work-related) on email.

 

Consider keeping a paper trail of any overtures IN CASE there are work-related problems. Not sure where you live, but you both have serious leverage over each other in this area. However, BOTH getting fired is a possibility.

 

Consider looking for a new job. A move UP and OUT might benefit you greatly.

 

 

I guess I’m just so scared I’m making a massive mistake in walking away from this. I know deep inside it’s the right thing to do though.

 

 

The only massive mistake would be to let this continue I think.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Lurker....

 

I have found that having an honest live conversation is best (vs. in text). You can tell him that you love him, but you can't do this any more....that it hurts too much. And I can tell you, as much as you think it will hurt, it will be 10x worse than that. And even harder will be sticking to it (which you have already seen).

 

You are doing some bargaining in your head, which is normal. I know you think this is a mistake walking away from the connection, but staying in this as it stands (him continuing to be married and be with you) is only going to destroy your soul more than it already has. At one point I said "I wish that I was better at handling this" and then I thought NO! "I don't ever want to be good at handling this"! You deserve so much more and unfortunately, he can't give that to you.

 

Only you can set yourself free. That is your only path to peace. Let him sort out his situation without dragging you through it. There is something to be said for "No New Contact = No New Hurt".

[S2B]

I hope you end it for good. He will use you as long as you allow it to continue.

 

Think of it like giving yourself a gift of freeedom and peace of mind.

[Allupinnit]

So do I just block with no explanation? That just feels as awful as what he did to me?! He has my work email, I just don’t want him then emailing me on that demanding an explanation and making it awkward. I can’t block him from that either because we have connection through work so would raise massive suspicions with colleagues if I did! How do I ever escape this?

 

Mark I haven’t really tried to move on. I’ve been on a couple of dates because people were asking questions why I was single and moaning I was lonely the whole time and then turning down perfectly good guys. Definitely haven’t been burning through them though- quite the opposite!

 

I guess I’m just so scared I’m making a massive mistake in walking away from this. I know deep inside it’s the right thing to do though.

 

NC is for your emotional and mental preservation. It's not a "punishment". What he did to you was unforgivable. I really hope you can see the difference.

 

I don't think you should be dating right now. You've got nothing really of substance emotionally to offer a single man, anyway, and it's not fair to be held to an impossible standard they can't meet - the fantasy of an unavailable man.

 

You know why you think he's so perfect? Because you haven't had to live with the mofo full-time. You haven't dealt with his annoying habits (trust me - he's got them), pick up his clothes for the umpteenth time after asking repeatedly, taking care of his baby-ass when he's sick, dealing with his annoying parents. You know, real-life stuff that causes stress. In affairs, your mind is free to fill in all of those blanks with what you fantasize him to be. It's very rarely accurate. You've had stolen moments over 9 months that leave you wanting more of him.

 

Men who want to leave, will leave. Men cannot be kept from their children once a separation agreement is in place. A judge will see to that, as long as he can provide a stable environment and he's up to par on child support if it goes that way. It's actually rather comical and pathetic that men use that excuse with their OW (but my evil wife will keep me from seeing my kids! surely you understand...) The problem is - IT'S SO MUCH WORK (boohoo!) to divorce, set up your own shop, separate finances, go through courts, field disappointment from your families, etc. so they aim to keep the OW happy on the side instead. Win-win. Simply, he's content where he is with his life (hence why he's checking his watch while being intimate with you so as not to upset the apple cart back home).

 

Please know that you are worth so much more than this. It doesn't feel like it now, but the you in the future will look back on this and wonder why you ever settled for so little from a man that treated you like gum on the bottom of his shoe. If you don't block him, you are guaranteed to feel like this again, and again - and again.

 

Do you think it's a mistake to abandon yourself like that?

[elaine567]

I have found that having an honest live conversation is best (vs. in text).

You can tell him that you love him,

Why would she do that?

[notmyfinestmoment]

It's just an option of how she could end things. There is something to be said for staying on your white horse. For me, it is better to end things peacefully (in spite of everything) because it helps me to move forward.

 

This isn't a place to pick apart what each other is saying. Clearly not everyone is going to have the same perspective about what works and what doesn't. We are just here to offer her support and guidance. She can take what she needs from all of the advice given.

 

@Lurker, I know you are struggling. Take it day by day. You will come to place where you will know what to do. Like everyone says, you DO deserve so much more as hard as it is to let him go. Hugs

[elaine567]

No-one said she needs to be hostile but surely telling her MM she loves him will just keep things going. Giving him hope and "permission" to contact her again. "She loves me, she will come around again if I play my cards right..."

 

If the intention is to truly stop the affair, then why give out mixed signals?

[BTDT2012]

I guess I’m just so scared I’m making a massive mistake in walking away from this.

 

 

Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Allowing him to "hit it and quit it". You deserve so much more than what he is offering.

[Lurker123]

Hi everyone. Been a while since I’ve posted and I’ve just been catching up on everyone’s posts. By way of update my situation continued, not as intense as before, but we still messaged and saw each other every couple of weeks. Whilst at the same time I continued to say that it needed to be over. Sounds ridiculous to say, but it seemed easier to continue like that than lose him altogether. Anyways, things all came to a head for me about 3 weeks ago, I ended up having a massive breakdown, mostly triggered by everything that has happened over the past year and by my frustrations at still allowing myself to be in this situation. I ended up talking frankly with my ex husband, who actually was the person who could see my emotional state, and being honest with him about everything that has happened since we split. I couldn’t tell him about what happened before, as I knew it would break him as a person and I don’t really think it was necessary. He’s been so kind to me as it’s made me realise what a complete idiot I’ve been about everything. Speaking honestly, I was so blinded by the affair, that whilst I was in it, all I could think to do was end up marriage to give myself the chance to be with MM. I guess deep down I hoped he would do the same, but a year later, here we are and nothing has changed. I told him a couple of days ago I was completely done. Said I couldn’t emotionally handle being in this place anymore and explained my state of mind to him. As I was doing it, I realised I’d done this so many times before and it’s made no difference- I’ve poured my heart out so many times and it’s made zero difference! This time he said he wants to meet as we owe each other that, initially I agreed, but then yesterday, after another emotionally draining day, I concluded there was no way I could see him- I know it will make no difference and if anything will make it worse. I did what I’ve been meaning to do for months... wrote everything down in a text, told him it was 100% over and not to contact me and then immediately blocked him on everything. Straight after I did it I felt sick, but I know it’s the right thing to do. I feel awful that it’s ended like this, but I don’t feel like there was any other way? Please tell me I’ve done the right thing as I’m waking up this morning feel horrible about it all!

[DKT3]

Your position in this was predictable, in fact I commented on page one or two telling you this exact thing would happen.

 

Please leave your ex husband alone...you are not able to be honest with him not because you dont want to "break" him but because you dont want his reaction, you dont want him to change how you believe he sees you.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Your position in this was predictable, in fact I commented on page one or two telling you this exact thing would happen.

 

Please leave your ex husband alone...you are not able to be honest with him not because you dont want to "break" him but because you dont want his reaction, you dont want him to change how you believe he sees you.

 

It's amazing how cliche affairs are. 95% of them follow the same text-book stages with the same rationalizations, and same results.

[Mara1573]

Going through something similar as you. Although I haven't reached of breaking off with MM I am getting there. Also how do you feel getting a divorce? I am thinking about leaving my partner..

[anika99]

I hope you are not running back to your husband while you are in this state. Swinging back and forth between two men while deceiving one of them is in poor taste and shows a lack of character. You are still engaging with your MM, still pining for him, still opening yourself up to him and telling him all of your feelings and it's clear that you still want him more than you want your husband. At this point you are just using your husband for emotional support and a back up plan.

 

Stay away from your husband until this affair is over and you are well over your affair partner. Get counseling to help yourself get through this. Do not even think about getting back together with your husband until you have been no contact for at least 6 months with your MM and your feelings for him have died. Then if you still think it was a mistake to end your marriage, understand that if you want to reconcile it will have to start with total honesty and you will have to tell your husband the full truth. There is no point in restarting a marriage based on lies and omissions. If you can't have an authentic honest relationship with your husband then it's best to just let him go.

[Bittersweetie]

Yes you did the right thing. Now you have the opportunity to decide what kind of person you want to be moving forward and then take the steps necessary to be that person. Do you want to live honestly and authentically? If so, then make that choice. Is it easy? Of course not, but it is worth it. Good luck.