Not over it [updated]

[imsosad]

Imsosad - wow, he will stop at no lengths will be?! Does he have a miserable m and is looking to you for the answers? I think he just can't handle you ignoring him. He needs that final ego boost and I worry if you give it to him it will change the balance of power. Keep remaining strong and dedicated to your h. You have been so strong for 9 months, you don't want to undo all of that.

Thanks, GC.

No danger of me going back. This is hard, but does not change hiw i see the situation.

I really don't know why he is being a bit obsessive.

I think his M is alright, probably even pretty good. He said all the expected nonsense about not loving his W and so on but i never bought it.

I think it might be either an ego thing. I was very smitten with him, he didnt think i would leave. Maybe he just wants what he cant have.

I want to get to a point where i can get through a day without thinking or feeling anything that has to do with him. Some days it seems right in reach,other days it seems far away.

[imsosad]

I know it's hard and painful but if you only knew just how very confused, dysfunctional, unenlightened, and base this guy is, you would not fret over his absence from your life. Good for you for holding your head high, refusing to play his stupid, immature games.

 

And as for this:

 

 

 

What is he? 17??

 

Thanks, Hearts.

You really made me smile. Yep, 17 is about right.

I see his dysfunction, his selfisness, childlike tantrum throwing and so on.

My H is the real deal, a real man. Hardworking,trustwortyh,mature.Rationally speaking, it is crystal clear to me.

I refer to my ex AP as the dopamine trap. I think all the right things and i do all the right things. I still feel things i shouldnt. Dopamine Trap. I wont fall in to it,i stay away, i focus on my H, my children,my work. I am waiting for the chemical storm to blow over,so my i can set my emotions straight as well.

[jenkins95]

imsosad, I can't imagine how tough this is for you and how much it's messaging with your mind. After so many months he is still acting like that and severely damaging your recovery

 

All I can say is that you are a hero to us here - the way you are handling it, conducting yourself and holding it together. You are amazing. My star of the day!

 

Keep going. He has to accept that your need to go NC goes is far beyond his need to flatter his damaged ego - your marriage could depend on it. You are doing the only thing you reasonably can. Wow it much be tough, but you are doing amazingly! Proud of you!

[Grey Cloud]

Thanks, Hearts.

You really made me smile. Yep, 17 is about right.

I see his dysfunction, his selfisness, childlike tantrum throwing and so on.

My H is the real deal, a real man. Hardworking,trustwortyh,mature.Rationally speaking, it is crystal clear to me.

I refer to my ex AP as the dopamine trap. I think all the right things and i do all the right things. I still feel things i shouldnt. Dopamine Trap. I wont fall in to it,i stay away, i focus on my H, my children,my work. I am waiting for the chemical storm to blow over,so my i can set my emotions straight as well.

 

I love the reference to the "dopamine trap"! It's funny how it overrides logic. I am also waiting for the chemical storm to blow over....

[jenkins95]

I love the reference to the "dopamine trap"! It's funny how it overrides logic. I am also waiting for the chemical storm to blow over....

 

Absolutely guys! Just like any addiction I guess. And just like other addictions, you can break it with time, patience and pure commitment to stay the course. I have found it is suddenly getting a bit easier, but it did take nearly 100 days to start feeling that consistently. Before that, I had OK days, bad days and terrible days where I didn't even want to get up. Now it's good days and not so good days! I'll take that and hope it gets even better.

 

Keep posting guys!!! Great messages on this thread!

Edited March 25, 2016 by jenkins95

[Marc878]

Thanks, Hearts.

You really made me smile. Yep, 17 is about right.

I see his dysfunction, his selfisness, childlike tantrum throwing and so on.

My H is the real deal, a real man. Hardworking,trustwortyh,mature.Rationally speaking, it is crystal clear to me.

I refer to my ex AP as the dopamine trap. I think all the right things and i do all the right things. I still feel things i shouldnt. Dopamine Trap. I wont fall in to it,i stay away, i focus on my H, my children,my work. I am waiting for the chemical storm to blow over,so my i can set my emotions straight as well.

 

Make no mistake. The thrill for him is in the hunt. No decent man strikes up an affair while his wife is pregnant. He wants/needs to add you as a notch on his belt. He'll be back. So you really need to actually define/know who he really is.

 

The one thing is this. Even if you have a 30 year marriage a physical affair will trump or be the moment that overshadows all. I'm glad you didn't cross that line. You can see the emotional turmoil that an EA causes. Multiply that 100x for a PA.

 

Think of it like this. What if all the energy/emotions that you've spent on this had been put into your marriage would you be better off?

 

The MM senario plays out over and over almost always the same. Once he gets what he didn't have its the end of the game and time to move on. Never giving a second thought to his wife/kids or the family that gets blown up from the fallout when/if it all comes out.

[ShatteredLady]

I've just finished reading your whole thread. It's heartbreaking! To you & all the others who have shared your stories, your pain, your devastation I just want you to know that I'm here with tears flooding down my face. I wish I could give all of you a huge hug.

 

I want to say SORRY! Sorry for all of the hearts broken by selfish, self centered, bum-holes looking for a 'high'. Sorry for all the men like my husband. He genuinely excuses his behavior to me & to his OW by saying that he wasn't feeling "Special".

 

True love for a lifetime from me. Our beautiful children loving & adoring him. My parents 'adopting' him as a son & giving him so very much. Giving him 'things' & endless love & words of affirmation....None of it was enough! That was 'normal'. He needed "Special". Ugh

 

Some of you have expressed your haunting guilt towards the BS. I need to explain to you.... My H's OW didn't break my heart! She didn't destroy my innocence, my ability to trust, my faith in the good of the human race. When I go night after day without sleep, or food, crying & struggling to breath...Its NOT because of HER.

 

She's just a woman who's very alone. She was artificially inseminated with her children because she had given-up hope of ever finding a true man to share her life. She was lonely & lost. She doesn't have a relationship with her parents, hasn't spoken to them in years. She has work acquaintances but no real friends in her life.

 

It shattered me to know that my H dragged her back into this mess because it was easy, he already had her adoration. He never once stopped to think about what he was doing to her or me. Don't get me wrong, HE felt guilt, HE feels embarrassment, HE feels hurt but it's HIM, all about him!

 

We've been together ALL of my adult life. I know him. I was completely blindsided...how can I expect a lady who hardly knows him (not really, she hadn't seen him in 12 years) to know him better & guard her heart? Why would she not believe every word he wrote?

 

I'm sure that most BS's are like me, or will be eventually. I'm mortified & I'm so very sorry that my H has been one of 'those' men. I know not all women are the same but most of us can feel another's woman's heart. A woman's heart is a beautiful, true thing. An incredibly strong thing. Sometimes our heads don't shout loud enough to calm our hope filled hearts.

 

A bad action doesn't mean you are a bad person or have a bad heart. Please love yourselves & heal. Hold your children (if you have them) & know that you're stronger than you think you are, you're better than you think you are, you deserve so much more.

[georgia girl]

I'm so sad,

 

Hear me because it's so important: you are a wonderful, good person. Would one incredibly kind act make you a good person if you had lived a life hurting others? Would that one act take away everything that had come and gone before? It could, if that one act resulted in a change and the good deeds became a lifestyle.

 

In the same way, one hurtful and selfish act does not wipe away all good. Further, you have taken that one act and learned from it. And now, even more graciously, you are giving to others. You are helping them to heal, helping them to process, encouraging people to make healthy choices.

 

Forgiveness comes from within. Begin today. Forgive yourself for today. Don't worry about the past or the future, forgive for today. Look in the mirro, tell yourself you are sorry and that you forgive yourself. Then focus for one day only on all of your redeeming, good qualities. Emphasize those in your heart and your mind. Celebrate your good qualities with those around you. Compliment others who have those qualities you admire in yourself. Then, tomorrow, do the same.

 

Self-defeat keeps you stuck. Self-love moves you forward. You are a good person. Celebrate that today.

[66Charger]

I have to wonder, if deep down, you want to remain sad, perhaps as a way of punishing yourself for not being "perfect". The fact is, you could probaly overcome this if you wanted to. This is my opinion only, but I dont think there is a threat to your marriage, if you talked to your husband. There are EAs that didnt become PAs because of distance or lack of opportunity. And there are EAs that didnt become PAs because of boundaries and respect. Yours is the latter. The vast majority of men will look at a EA as a wake up call. This could very well put your marriage on the front burner and your husband could look at you and say "oh shot, how could I have taken her/us for granted.

 

The real problem is that while it MAY mean a rebirth of your marriage, it would be a death blow to your relationship with the MM and your self destructive thinking. Deep inside, you probaly know this. Dwelling on this and constantly beating yourself down, without tying to fix it, leaves one to wonder.

 

Do you want to continue your torture, because you feel you deserve it?

 

Or do you want to carry the fantasy for as long as you can, just for the sake of having a fantasy?

 

Holding your boundary, deserves respect and this is NOT a post to suggest you should confess, but it poses a curious question. If talking to your husband about your EA, would pose no danger to your marriage and perhaps strengthen it, would you do it?

Edited March 26, 2016 by 66Charger

[imsosad]

I'm so sad,

 

Hear me because it's so important: you are a wonderful, good person. Would one incredibly kind act make you a good person if you had lived a life hurting others? Would that one act take away everything that had come and gone before? It could, if that one act resulted in a change and the good deeds became a lifestyle.

 

In the same way, one hurtful and selfish act does not wipe away all good. Further, you have taken that one act and learned from it. And now, even more graciously, you are giving to others. You are helping them to heal, helping them to process, encouraging people to make healthy choices.

 

Forgiveness comes from within. Begin today. Forgive yourself for today. Don't worry about the past or the future, forgive for today. Look in the mirro, tell yourself you are sorry and that you forgive yourself. Then focus for one day only on all of your redeeming, good qualities. Emphasize those in your heart and your mind. Celebrate your good qualities with those around you. Compliment others who have those qualities you admire in yourself. Then, tomorrow, do the same.

 

Self-defeat keeps you stuck. Self-love moves you forward. You are a good person. Celebrate that today.

 

Thank you so much. I will reread this on my down days. I promise to try.

[imsosad]

I have to wonder, if deep down, you want to remain sad, perhaps as a way of punishing yourself for not being "perfect". The fact is, you could probaly overcome this if you wanted to. This is my opinion only, but I dont think there is a threat to your marriage, if you talked to your husband. There are EAs that didnt become PAs because of distance or lack of opportunity. And there are EAs that didnt become PAs because of boundaries and respect. Yours is the latter. The vast majority of men will look at a EA as a wake up call. This could very well put your marriage on the front burner and your husband could look at you and say "oh shot, how could I have taken her/us for granted.

 

The real problem is that while it MAY mean a rebirth of your marriage, it would be a death blow to your relationship with the MM and your self destructive thinking. Deep inside, you probaly know this. Dwelling on this and constantly beating yourself down, without tying to fix it, leaves one to wonder.

 

Do you want to continue your torture, because you feel you deserve it?

 

Or do you want to carry the fantasy for as long as you can, just for the sake of having a fantasy?

 

Holding your boundary, deserves respect and this is NOT a post to suggest you should confess, but it poses a curious question. If talking to your husband about your EA, would pose no danger to your marriage and perhaps strengthen it, would you do it?

 

Charger, you are good. You nailed it on all counts.

I do hold on to this sadness because I feel tainted. At the same time, I can't deny there is also an aspect of holding on to the fantasy. It would be a final goodbye.

I don't think it would break my marriage. My husband would be horrified and upset,but will mot divorce me over it. Funny thing is, this change in attitude and priority happened right after my A, without me being found out. I think he may have felt I was slipping away and it woke him up.

I totally get what you are saying about coming clean being a push forward on my M, while being the final end of the A. You are right, I guess i my mind I am there, but in my heart of hearts -not yet.

I

[imsosad]

Both married. I have four children,he has two. Neither marriage is bad. Met 18 months ago, fell in love. Had an a mostly emotional affair (saw each other every day, never went beyond kissing). There was some hesitant talk about leaving our spouses and being together but we (tbh,mostly him) got cold feet at the thought of 2 mortgages, school districts and most of all, hurting our spouses and children. He was more concerned with logistics, I was more concerned about the emotional aspects.

I broke it off and went completely NC. I tried to put all my energy in my M (which got stronger and better).

He broke NC several times.

I finally cracked.

We spoke for a long time, he decided to leave his W regardless of us. They have begun MC at her request. He did not tell her about me, he just said he wants out. I am sure she is smart enough to figure out there is another woman and it is a matter of time before he gets caught. He does not care, which does not surprise me. I realised he is conflict avoident and just hoping someone will take a course of action for him.

I don't want to leave my H. If I am honest, maybe it is more accurate to say that I do in a way, but do not think it is the right thing to do.

I am lost. I think I should stay married and break it off with my AP (we talk and see each other all the time,but there is no physical contact)

I felt so much guilt towards my H this past year, it tore me apart,yet here I am.

I love two men. Am I crazy? I really do.

I love my H and think that it is the smarter choice, but I am so in love with my AP and I feel like I cant live without him.

It is such a mess. I feel like I am throwing away the life I built but I cant have it any other way.

Edited May 16, 2016 by imsosad
typos

[Noideanow]

You say your affair partner is confl. Avoidant but from here you Seem worse:cool: you say you love both, from here that is very unromantic, do you even love one of Them when you cant be true to one?

Wish you luck, but as long as you love" two please be honest with both of Them that they are sharing your devotion:o let them decide if they love you after that, or do some soulsearching and find out Which one you love and act accordingly:cool:

[imsosad]

I love them in different ways.

I want to be with my AP, but I think I should behave like an adult and stay with my H.

It is not romantic, it is very painful.

Notions of love are sometime very black and white, but in reality they arent always.

I have two decades of history with my H. I have something else with my AP. It does not mean it isnt real.

Edited May 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed part to deleted post

[imsosad]

I was in NC for over a year because I didnt want to hurt others for my own feelings.

What do you do if after 14 months of nc your feelings dont change?

I dont want an A.

I want to leave and be with my AP,but i know it will hurt others so i dont do it.

I am not a bad person and i care about the impact of this mess on everyone involved.

Edited May 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed part of deleted post

[Cymbeline]

I love them in different ways.

I want to be with my AP, but I think I should behave like an adult and stay with my H.

It is not romantic, it is very painful.

Notions of love are sometime very black and white, but in reality they arent always.

I have two decades of history with my H. I have something else with my AP. It does not mean it isnt real.

 

 

I don't doubt that your feeling are real. The question is whether the intensity of those feelings leads you to ascribe a meaning to them that won't hold up in the medium to long term. Is this relationship workable? I note bit has t yet turned physical. What if he's a selfish lover?

Edited May 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

How can you call him conflict avoidant when he is the only one actually taking some action? I'm not saying he's not conflict avoidant, just that he seems less so than you.

[imsosad]

I don't know if it is woworkable.

I wish I knew.

I can take a chance on myself, but not on the lives of 8 other people.

It will not become physical until we are both fully seperated from our spouses.

The physical aspect is the least of my worries (i know you were half kidding, but i choose to consider it seriously)

[imsosad]

I know it seems strange.

If you are truely interested, i can try to explain.

[66Charger]

It is time to live a authentic life and talk to your husband. If you dont, soon his wife will. This decision will no longer be yours. The chance of divorce is high, along with the chance that your love for the AP will evaporate and you will lose everything. You can not stay with your husband out of fear. That is unfair to him. You probaly love your husband, but not as a man.

 

This road you must now travel. Sometimes, you just have to get hit by the train.

 

I wish you well.

Edited May 16, 2016 by 66Charger

[NTV]

Both married. I have four children,he has two. Neither marriage is bad. Met 18 months ago, fell in love. Had an a mostly emotional affair (saw each other every day, never went beyond kissing). There was some hesitant talk about leaving our spouses and being together but we (tbh,mostly him) got cold feet at the thought of 2 mortgages, school districts and most of all, hurting our spouses and children. He was more concerned with logistics, I was more concerned about the emotional aspects.

I broke it off and went completely NC. I tried to put all my energy in my M (which got stronger and better).

He broke NC several times.

I finally cracked.

We spoke for a long time, he decided to leave his W regardless of us. They have begun MC at her request. He did not tell her about me, he just said he wants out. I am sure she is smart enough to figure out there is another woman and it is a matter of time before he gets caught. He does not care, which does not surprise me. I realised he is conflict avoident and just hoping someone will take a course of action for him.

I don't want to leave my H. If I am honest, maybe it is more accurate to say that I do in a way, but do not think it is the right thing to do.

I am lost. I think I should stay married and break it off with my AP (we talk and see each other all the time,but there is no physical contact)

I felt so much guilt towards my H this past year, it tore me apart,yet here I am.

I love two men. Am I crazy? I really do.

I love my H and think that it is the smarter choice, but I am so in love with my AP and I feel like I cant live without him.

It is such a mess. I feel like I am throwing away the life I built but I cant have it any other way.

 

 

 

 

Do good mothers risk the stability of their kid's lives over stuff like this?

[imsosad]

Charger-

thank you. I know you're right. I really tried to do the right thing. I still want to. Im just not sure what that is. You really made me sad with the comment about not loving my H as a man. He is a wonderful man and deserves better.

Ntv-im a good mum. Im not a perfect person,though.

[NTV]

Charger-

thank you. I know you're right. I really tried to do the right thing. I still want to. Im just not sure what that is. You really made me sad with the comment about not loving my H as a man. He is a wonderful man and deserves better.

Ntv-im a good mum. Im not a perfect person,though.

 

 

Not right now with all this going on you're not. You might have been before, and could be after, but if your cheating gets out you will only be the 'destroyer of the family'.

 

 

I don't think anyone wants to see themselves that way. In this life, you really can only control yourself. Everything else is outside your control. You are not helpless to your emotions. As a mother, at what age do you expect your kids to be able to control theirs?

[imsosad]

Any critisism i get here is really kind and understated compared to the things i tell myself.

I have been fighting my feelings for a long time exactly because I want to be a goid mother and a good person.

I could not carry on an A for those reasons and I dont intend to now.

I just dont know what to do.

Break it off again and hope that someday these feelings go away?

I guess it is the smart and honourable thing to do. I did it for over a year and was heartbroken the entire time. I know thats where i am heading again and im trying to postpone the enevitable.

I dont expect my kids to control their emotions,rather I expect them to control their behaviour. I try to do the same.

[NTV]

.

Break it off again and hope that someday these feelings go away?

 

 

 

I don't understand. Why are you acting like you are at the mercy of your own emotions? Do you pee on yourself with you have to go? Do you eat all the food you can when you sit down? Do you sleep all day when you are tired? Do you beat your gets when they make you angry? Do you laugh when someone does something embarrassing even though it would hurt them to laugh? Do you drive dangerously fast to get somewhere you really want to be?

 

 

These feelings you have are there because you allow them to be there. Don't lie to yourself.