Not over it [updated]

[imsosad]

Jenkins,thank you so much. Your words mean a lot to me.

I am so glad i found this message board. Everyone's posts helped get through a challanging day.

My kind is clear. A over. Ap irrelevant. I want my M. My H is so much better for me, on so many levels.

My heart is a mess,though.

I dont want to feel anything for my ex ap,but i do.

I love my H, i really and truely do.

At the same time, my heart still holds a spot for my ex ap.

I dealt with his letter by reading everything posters wrote over and over.

Then i "translated".

His letter is saying, be my mistress. Be my dirty secret. Let me be your dirty secret. Let's meet up like two thieves. Let's lie, betray,sneak, destruct. Let's behave like hormone washed teenagers and ignore our duties.

Isnt that what he is saying?

You know whay, even if he said let's leave and get married-and meant it-i still wouldnt want him. I would have to be mad to give up on my mature,dedicated, reliable, smart,funny, caring husband for a guy who felt perfectly alright with cheating on his PREGNANT wife.

I dont want to be his ap, i dont want to be his wife. I dont want him at all.

So why is this letter affecting me so much?

I will not act on it. I will never,ever do anything to jepordize my M again. If anything, this A has taught me to value my H even more.

I feel like my mind and heart are in the right place but randon thoughts and emotions float about and distract me.

I wish i had never gotten in to this.

How is it that A have such a fun, flirty, lightweight image?

In reality they bring on so much pain.

I dont get multiple A. I would sooner die than do this to myself and my family again. Yeah, im being a bit dramatic but i am kind of shocked at the impact of it.

[Popsicle]

Maybe since you have coldly ignored him, he will get the picture now.

 

If he has any sense of self-preservation he would and leave you alone.

[Lovetoohard]

Jenkins,thank you so much. Your words mean a lot to me.

I am so glad i found this message board. Everyone's posts helped get through a challanging day.

My kind is clear. A over. Ap irrelevant. I want my M. My H is so much better for me, on so many levels.

My heart is a mess,though.

I dont want to feel anything for my ex ap,but i do.

I love my H, i really and truely do.

At the same time, my heart still holds a spot for my ex ap.

I dealt with his letter by reading everything posters wrote over and over.

Then i "translated".

His letter is saying, be my mistress. Be my dirty secret. Let me be your dirty secret. Let's meet up like two thieves. Let's lie, betray,sneak, destruct. Let's behave like hormone washed teenagers and ignore our duties.

Isnt that what he is saying?

You know whay, even if he said let's leave and get married-and meant it-i still wouldnt want him. I would have to be mad to give up on my mature,dedicated, reliable, smart,funny, caring husband for a guy who felt perfectly alright with cheating on his PREGNANT wife.

I dont want to be his ap, i dont want to be his wife. I dont want him at all.

So why is this letter affecting me so much?

I will not act on it. I will never,ever do anything to jepordize my M again. If anything, this A has taught me to value my H even more.

I feel like my mind and heart are in the right place but randon thoughts and emotions float about and distract me.

I wish i had never gotten in to this.

How is it that A have such a fun, flirty, lightweight image?

In reality they bring on so much pain.

I dont get multiple A. I would sooner die than do this to myself and my family again. Yeah, im being a bit dramatic but i am kind of shocked at the impact of it.

 

This inner conflict of completely opposing views is perfectly normal. Clearly, this man filled a void in your life at one point in time, but it didn't come without any repercussions, including the adverse impact on your emotional health. Affairs are pleasure, almost always, paired with equal if not more amounts of pain. What you are remembering is the pleasure, whether it was emotional or physical, and contrasting it with how much angst it brought you. It's an awful feeling and one that many of us have experienced. It's almost like smelling a familiar smell from some historical period in your life and it's association with a significant event (whether positive or negative, or both) in your life, that comes back with an overwhelming vividness....triggered by something as simple as one's olfactory senses. It's like you re-live it just like it happened today.

 

The important part is that you know that your H is the guy for you and that you want your M to work out. Keep chanting to yourself what you've articulated in your post: "A over. AP irrelevant. I want my M." Please don't lose sight of that. Wishing you lots of strength and positive thoughts.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[imsosad]

What if this never goes away?

Having a bery,very bad day.

It has been over for ages. I felt like I was doing better. But i work so hard at getting better.. i am just tired. When i do let my guard down, im afraid im still in love with my AP.

I spent most of the last eight months feeling guilty and ashamed towards my husband-who i really and truely love so much.

I also focused on my AP's wort traits. Liar. Cheater. Manipulator. Selfish.

I managed to convince myself he was a serial cheater and that he was just playing me, although he was always kind and caring towards me.

Today i feel like it's all coming apart . It has been eight months!! I still feel guilty, i still wonder what i meant to him and i still miss him.

I am sick of feeling this way. It felt better just to be tortured by guilt to my H, it sort of kept my emotions for AP in check.

I have to assume that him breaking NC twice in the past month is a catalyst,but i cant ignore that my feelings echo what he said-not over,still miss him, cant let go.

I just feel so lost today, like there is never a way back from this path i took.

I am 100% committed to my M. I am never going back to having an A.

I hardly cried when i ended it, i was all in fighter mood to get better.

Today i am cracking, broke down in tears twice at work.

I do not want to feel sorry for myself. I know i deserve to feel bad and i want to mend what i did wrong.

It just feels like a never ending road.

[yodelwithyu]

I have no advice, but I wanted to tell you that I am sorry you are in pain. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

 

Most of us took different paths to get here, but here we are. Hurting, but not alone.

 

Xoxo

[Grey Cloud]

What if this never goes away?

Having a bery,very bad day.

It has been over for ages. I felt like I was doing better. But i work so hard at getting better.. i am just tired. When i do let my guard down, im afraid im still in love with my AP.

I spent most of the last eight months feeling guilty and ashamed towards my husband-who i really and truely love so much.

I also focused on my AP's wort traits. Liar. Cheater. Manipulator. Selfish.

I managed to convince myself he was a serial cheater and that he was just playing me, although he was always kind and caring towards me.

Today i feel like it's all coming apart . It has been eight months!! I still feel guilty, i still wonder what i meant to him and i still miss him.

I am sick of feeling this way. It felt better just to be tortured by guilt to my H, it sort of kept my emotions for AP in check.

I have to assume that him breaking NC twice in the past month is a catalyst,but i cant ignore that my feelings echo what he said-not over,still miss him, cant let go.

I just feel so lost today, like there is never a way back from this path i took.

I am 100% committed to my M. I am never going back to having an A.

I hardly cried when i ended it, i was all in fighter mood to get better.

Today i am cracking, broke down in tears twice at work.

I do not want to feel sorry for myself. I know i deserve to feel bad and i want to mend what i did wrong.

It just feels like a never ending road.

 

We all have bad days where we hit rock bottom. Him breaking NC twice in the last month is what is triggering this. You were doing pretty well before then right? At least I know my xMM loves his wife and his committed to his M. I am not sure how would I feel if he was saying all the opposite things. It would definitely be harder to keep my resolve.

 

But you are very clear that you don't want to be an A. Which would mean you leaving your h and MM leaving his w for that to happen. What is the likelihood of that happening? You sound committed to your M so all you can do is breathe through the hard days, hope that he MM will respect NC and hopefully you will never hear from him again.

 

You've got this imsosad!! I can tell you a strong person. Don't beat yourself up for having a bad day/week. Hugs x

[13Hearts]

It means alot.

I felt silly reacting so emotionally. Seven months is a long time,i feel it shouldnt matter at all by this point.but it does.

I am married too, neither of us was ready to break up our families,even though he said it first and at one point i did consider it for real.

I dont want to resume the A mainly because i love my H, and he does not deserve it. I also know my H is so much better suited for me than my xAP. For example, he doesnt cheat...

I managed to convince myself my x ap is a serial cheating slimeball and that he forgot about me the day after i ended our A. I felt like an idiot thinking about him and missing him. Now i got a funny feeling. Even though,he might be playing and manipulating now too. I dont know what hes like anymore.

Even if he did divorce,i dont want him. This is a man who cheated on his pregnant wife.this is a guy who wanted us to go the movies while she was in the maternity ward. He said awful things about her. I have so much guilt towards her,it is so unlike me to behave this way.it truely is as though i was on crack.

I want nothing to do with him,yet him saying he missed me and was still trying to move on did something to me. Is it normal after so much time has gone by?

The A lasted four months. It is taking me forever to heal.

 

I'm a little late coming onto this thread but do want to say, breaking an affair after only 4 months is extremely difficult! Because at 4 months, you're still in the fog, still infatuated, in love, head over heels, whatever you want to call it. It's more a loss than had you already fallen out of love with him. I find it is best for me to constantly remind myself of who and what MM really is. At the core he is a person who always has to have his own way, and doesn't bother telling the other party what is really going on, pretends to be something he really isn't. He's not honest at home, with either his sons or his wife, and he is not honest with his employer who doesn't know he doesn't disclose certain things and takes contracts from them when it is explicit in his employment agreement that he not do these things. But he has an excuse for everything, and totally believes they are valid, and to hell with what is fair or right to the other party in the relationship.

 

Just selfish.

 

Sorry, I think I got off topic. But anyway, that's what I do, I just keep reminding myself of who he really is, and I don't give him the opportunity to try to convince me otherwise. They lie but it is more than lying; it is deceit and trickery. And that's just evil. I can't believe I was so stupid to fall for it.

[13Hearts]

I finally got through this whole thread. I'm sorry you're feeling poorly again. I agree that it's weighing on you because he broke NC and sent that letter trying to guilt trip you into feeling something for him, and feing responsible for his real or made-up "problems."

 

There is no such thing as closure and if he needs help figuring out what happened or dealing with his feelings, that is what therapists are for. It's just not your job.

 

I also think you are beating yourself up for being human. You're not being fair to yourself. You made a mistake but for chrissakes you didn't even have sex with him. Give yourself a break! You are not perfect. You're allowed to screw up. If the guilt is eating at you so badly, confess. Either to your husband, or to a clergy person, or to a therapist. What is the worst that could happen if you told your husband? If you are honest and tell him how you were feeling about yourself and your marriage (the way H was treating you all those years) and did not try to blame him, what is he going to say?

 

Take care of yourself. Stop beating yourself up. And next time, don't read the letter and don't send it back. Just throw it away and move on to non-dysfunctional things.

[Grey Cloud]

[quote=13HeartsI find it is best for me to constantly remind myself of who and what MM really is. At the core he is a person who always has to have his own way, and doesn't bother telling the other party what is really going on, pretends to be something he really isn't. He's not honest at home, with either his sons or his wife, and he is not honest with his employer who doesn't know he doesn't disclose certain things and takes contracts from them when it is explicit in his employment agreement that he not do these things. But he has an excuse for everything, and totally believes they are valid, and to hell with what is fair or right to the other party in the relationship.

 

Just selfish.

 

Sorry, I think I got off topic. But anyway, that's what I do, I just keep reminding myself of who he really is, and I don't give him the opportunity to try to convince me otherwise. They lie but it is more than lying; it is deceit and trickery. And that's just evil. I can't believe I was so stupid to fall for it.

 

13hearts - Do we have the same xMM??!!! LOL! They sound so similar, especially the part about having excuses for everything and believing they are valid. Some of the justifications and rationalisations coming out of my xMM were unbelievable! Like oral sex wasn't really cheating compared to normal sex. WTF?! I said EVERYTHING we are doing (including emails etc) was cheating. And there was also lying at work which again he completely justified. He was so self centred. I can't believe I fell for it either. But I did however towards the end it was beginning to frustrate me no end.

 

I agree that 4 months Imsosad is still in the "honeymoon" stage of an A. I tried to break it off around that time but because I saw him at work everyday I fell back into old habits. By the year mark I was an up and down emotional wreck and I was getting more frustrated, more needy, more jealous etc. but it also allowed me to more clearly see xMM true character and traits. Which as I remind myself of them now makes me realise I would never ever want HIM back as a person. Even if both of us were single.

[jenkins95]

......breaking an affair after only 4 months is extremely difficult! Because at 4 months, you're still in the fog, still infatuated, in love, head over heels, whatever you want to call it. It's more a loss than had you already fallen out of love with him......

 

......I agree that 4 months Imsosad is still in the "honeymoon" stage of an A. I tried to break it off around that time but because I saw him at work everyday I fell back into old habits. By the year mark I was an up and down emotional wreck and I was getting more frustrated, more needy, more jealous etc. but it also allowed me to more clearly see xMM true character and traits......

 

Grey Cloud and 13Hearts. Wow, you guys have made me realise some very interesting, and is actually quite obvious now that you have pointed it out. I had kind of assumed that the longer an affair goes on, the harder it is to break away from, and that is probably true for LTRs that go on for years. But for shorter term, intense affairs, 4 months is possibly just about the most difficult time to break away. You have had time to build a strong bond, a dependency and to fall in love and see absolutely no wrong in your AP - the bubble well established and completely unknown about to anyone else. At this stage for me, thoughts that what you are doing was very wrong were little more than an annoying background noise that were easily drowned out by the pure joy and fantasy. Fast forward to over a year in and stress levels were through the roof, guilt, lies and worry had become the norm and the dependency was now more akin to the that of a heroin user than of something wonderful. Even though I still had such a strong bond with my AP, breaking it was a relief after all this. But at 4 months, I can see it would have been very different.

[jenkins95]

(((imsosad)))

 

Are you feeling a little better today than yesterday? Hang in there girl. You were doing so amazingly well up to the point that he broke NC. You have supported and inspired me so many times on here and it's sad to see one of my LS heroes having such a hard time.

 

As GC and the others suggest, to me it is clear that his actions and his letting you know that he is still confused and missing you have played awful tricks in your mind and it was very unfair of him, whether he meant it or not. You were doing so well up to that point, and now you have been faced to think about the A again and doubts have crept back in.

 

This will set you back a bit, but it will not undo all your hard work. You've taken 10 steps forward, and this is maybe a step or two in the wrong direction. But get back on your horse imsosad - back on the right road in the right direction, with all of us by your side.

 

Don't torture yourself about the time frame of your recovery. Remember that you haven't spent the entire 8-9 months feeling this low. Whilst your pain has never gone away completely, I can tell from your posts that you have had some better days, even better weeks and that you were right on track and recovering. Don't let his mind games bring you down.

 

These are things that you have written in the last few days. They show 100% that you are doing the right thing: -

 

I am 100% committed to my M. I am never going back to having an A.

 

I want my M. My H is so much better for me, on so many levels.

 

I love my H, i really and truely do.

 

I will not act on it. I will never,ever do anything to jepordize my M again. If anything, this A has taught me to value my H even more.

 

I wish i had never gotten in to this.

 

Keep posting imsosad. We need you!

Edited March 3, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

......Some of the justifications and rationalisations coming out of my xMM were unbelievable! Like oral sex wasn't really cheating compared to normal sex. WTF?! I said EVERYTHING we are doing (including emails etc) was cheating.......

 

GC, this made me laugh and cringe at the same time. It also makes me a little ashamed to be a man, and of my own justifications during my A (in my own mind - never expressed to the AP). I remember thinking once, well, if that excuse is good enough for Bill Clinton, then it's fine for me - "I did not have sexual relations with THAT woman!"

[privategal]

It is harder to grieve the ending of affair when your mow.

Your husband is always there and you stifle tears and throw yourself into the marriage and block thoughts of mm and stay busy so you delayed healing.

I used to lock the bathroom door and take a long bath and cry.

Youve got to allow all of it to come to the surface.

I think you are just truly starting to grieve now. And his breaking nc did set you back.

Id say you are maybe in bargaining stage.

How you are feeling is normal.

The feelings and longing and exhaustion of the intrusive thoughts gets very heavy.

Keep planning dates with your hubby and sit close and lean on his shoulder.

Get a mantra, anything you can repeat in your mind to help.

When you are alone...cry..do not romanticize.

Remember how bad being in the A sucked the life out of you.

Its ok to grieve it...it was a big part of your life for a bit.

What you pushed down in the beginning is coming to the surface now.

Hugs.

[imsosad]

Thank you guys for your beautiful comments.

Your words are comforting and uplifting.

I feel better today.

I never thought about the fact that a short term A is hard to let go of because ut is the peak of the honeymoon stage. I also think that not having sex heightened it too. It is still 100% fantasy,none if it was realised so there is no normal,human flaws to taint it.

Him breaking NC was devestating. It was easier to think-this creep doesnt even care about me and moved on!

His texts and letter threw me in to a star crossed lovers state of mind. Yet, my distrust of him is so great that i still dont know what this was for him. Maybe he was just fishing and the wirds of longing and live were means to an end.

I will try to move forward again, i hope to be free of this emotional quicksand.

[imsosad]

Nine months of NC.

He broke it three times.

Last time was a few weeks ago. He feels lack of closure and was not sure the A meant anything to me (oh, dear. If he only knew.) I did not reply because i do mot want to betray my H anymore,EVER.

Two weeks ago i saw him at a resteraunt. I just turned my back and never even glanced in his direction. I dont know who he was with, i was with a group of friends,so i couldnt just walk out. I left as soon as i could, did not catch his eye.

It threw me off for a day or two,but i didnt even post about it because i decided it had no meaning.

He called me today, from a private number.

I am just shaking.

He said, i cant stand you ignoring me, its like we never had anything, how can you just go on like this was nothing, i need to hear you say that you dont miss me, tell me what i need to do to get you back and i will.

I just said look, i cant talk you,im hanging up.

He yelled no, you need a *ing ring to be with me fine, two years tops and you got it.

I repeated myself, cant talk,im hanging up.

I did. Turned my phone off,dont know if he called again. I think i should probably change my phone number, but how can i explain it to my H?

. I know my H is a hundred times better for me. He is a better man. I do not trust my ex ap, even now he was sweet talking, future faking, trying to get me to enable cake eating.

In my mind i know this is the right path. My heart knows it too, but is stiil breaking.

[Babsinhealing]

Nine months of NC.

He broke it three times.

Last time was a few weeks ago. He feels lack of closure and was not sure the A meant anything to me (oh, dear. If he only knew.) I did not reply because i do mot want to betray my H anymore,EVER.

Two weeks ago i saw him at a resteraunt. I just turned my back and never even glanced in his direction. I dont know who he was with, i was with a group of friends,so i couldnt just walk out. I left as soon as i could, did not catch his eye.

It threw me off for a day or two,but i didnt even post about it because i decided it had no meaning.

He called me today, from a private number.

I am just shaking.

He said, i cant stand you ignoring me, its like we never had anything, how can you just go on like this was nothing, i need to hear you say that you dont miss me, tell me what i need to do to get you back and i will.

I just said look, i cant talk you,im hanging up.

He yelled no, you need a *ing ring to be with me fine, two years tops and you got it.

I repeated myself, cant talk,im hanging up.

I did. Turned my phone off,dont know if he called again. I think i should probably change my phone number, but how can i explain it to my H?

. I know my H is a hundred times better for me. He is a better man. I do not trust my ex ap, even now he was sweet talking, future faking, trying to get me to enable cake eating.

In my mind i know this is the right path. My heart knows it too, but is stiil breaking.

Imsosad- for all of us- I think this is our biggest nightmare. Follow your inner voice- it won't steer you wrong. You know the right path- stand back up, brush yourself off and walk towards that path... Heck, run! You've said all along he's not right for you... Your H is a better fit. Don't let lies and fake words deter you from your healing journey and happiness. Stay strong and keep posting- we are here for you!

[privategal]

You are a hero!! You showed SO much strength, so proud of you!!

[imsosad]

Imsosad- for all of us- I think this is our biggest nightmare. Follow your inner voice- it won't steer you wrong. You know the right path- stand back up, brush yourself off and walk towards that path... Heck, run! You've said all along he's not right for you... Your H is a better fit. Don't let lies and fake words deter you from your healing journey and happiness. Stay strong and keep posting- we are here for you!

 

Thank you so much, Babs.

I meant to write you earlier on your thread that you seem so lovely and friendly, I noticed you took the time to relpy to each poster, i think it shows what a caring, sensitive person you are.

Thanks for understanding. It might have been like a dozen conversations i had secretly imagined, but it just hurt. I just felt like giving in, saying yes, i hate not being together,i miss you too. I dont know how i kept my head. My ex ap thinks im being strong or cold, truthis i am a very stubborn person and i place enormous value on honor and pride. I dont know if it makes me strong, but it is enough to keep me from crawling back, which is what at least a part of me wants to do.

[imsosad]

You are a hero!! You showed SO much strength, so proud of you!!

 

Thank you so much. It means a lot.

I feel awful right now,but it feels good to recieve kind words.

[Babsinhealing]

Thank you so much, Babs.

I meant to write you earlier on your thread that you seem so lovely and friendly, I noticed you took the time to relpy to each poster, i think it shows what a caring, sensitive person you are.

Thanks for understanding. It might have been like a dozen conversations i had secretly imagined, but it just hurt. I just felt like giving in, saying yes, i hate not being together,i miss you too. I dont know how i kept my head. My ex ap thinks im being strong or cold, truthis i am a very stubborn person and i place enormous value on honor and pride. I dont know if it makes me strong, but it is enough to keep me from crawling back, which is what at least a part of me wants to do.

Awww- thank you for the kind words. I just feel like people take the time to write to me, share their experiences, support me, encourage me- it's the least I can do to respond and recognize it.

 

It's interesting that you described me as lovely, caring and friendly- this was the way I felt prior to my A. I've been in healthcare since I was 19 and have dedicated my professional life to caring and supporting people.

 

However things have changed- I now lay in bed at night knowing that there is now one person in this world that will never use those words to describe me. I'm sure the words she uses are a lot less kind or friendly...as she knows I knowingly had a long term emotional and physical affair with her husband. She trolls my social network since DD probably trying to figure out "who is this third woman that came into my 25 year marriage, uninvited."

 

I know she was destroyed after she found out and I'm one of the reasons she will probably never trust or feel safe in her life/marriage again... This haunts me. I hope to feel like I can once again say that im caring, lovely and sensitive some day, but in all honesty- I really don't deserve those descriptors right now. But thank you.

 

Also- don't feel bad- many of us know what we had, shared and felt with our AP and if was wonderful there is a part of us that secretly wishes he will wake up one day and realize he's happier with us... And comes running back with a different mindset. It validates what we felt and makes us feel like we weren't insane. So I understand your conflict. Stay strong and make decisions that are right for you and your future. None of us want to be here posting 10 years from now still asking for support!

[Grey Cloud]

Imsosad - wow, he will stop at no lengths will be?! Does he have a miserable m and is looking to you for the answers? I think he just can't handle you ignoring him. He needs that final ego boost and I worry if you give it to him it will change the balance of power. Keep remaining strong and dedicated to your h. You have been so strong for 9 months, you don't want to undo all of that.

[13Hearts]

Nine months of NC.

He broke it three times.

Last time was a few weeks ago. He feels lack of closure and was not sure the A meant anything to me (oh, dear. If he only knew.) I did not reply because i do mot want to betray my H anymore,EVER.

Two weeks ago i saw him at a resteraunt. I just turned my back and never even glanced in his direction. I dont know who he was with, i was with a group of friends,so i couldnt just walk out. I left as soon as i could, did not catch his eye.

It threw me off for a day or two,but i didnt even post about it because i decided it had no meaning.

He called me today, from a private number.

I am just shaking.

He said, i cant stand you ignoring me, its like we never had anything, how can you just go on like this was nothing, i need to hear you say that you dont miss me, tell me what i need to do to get you back and i will.

I just said look, i cant talk you,im hanging up.

He yelled no, you need a *ing ring to be with me fine, two years tops and you got it.

I repeated myself, cant talk,im hanging up.

I did. Turned my phone off,dont know if he called again. I think i should probably change my phone number, but how can i explain it to my H?

. I know my H is a hundred times better for me. He is a better man. I do not trust my ex ap, even now he was sweet talking, future faking, trying to get me to enable cake eating.

In my mind i know this is the right path. My heart knows it too, but is stiil breaking.

 

I know it's hard and painful but if you only knew just how very confused, dysfunctional, unenlightened, and base this guy is, you would not fret over his absence from your life. Good for you for holding your head high, refusing to play his stupid, immature games.

 

And as for this:

 

i cant stand you ignoring me, its like we never had anything, how can you just go on like this was nothing, i need to hear you say that you dont miss me, tell me what i need to do to get you back and i will.

 

What is he? 17??

[imsosad]

Babs,

I know exactly what you mean.

I lost my own good oppinion of myself,too.

I feel like this might be the most painful aspect of my A.

I have always tried to be compassionate and knd. I always tried to be careful and respectful of others. I work in healthcare,caring for others as well.

I harbor loads of guilt towards my H.

Still, the one thought that thoroughly does me in,is how i co conspired in hurting his wife, while she was pregnant.

I feel like nothing i will ever do can redeem me.

Being a good person is central to my being, but i feel i got off that train the second i carried on with a pregnant woman's husband.

How can i ever call myself a good person?

My patients bring me flowers and cakes and letters, calling me an angel,a saint, a blessing. I feel like a fraud, not deserving of any of that.

My hope is that in time, this feeling will fade.

When he calls, and i shut him down,even though i want to do the opposite, i cant see how that is ever going to happen.

I gotta tell you, Babs, i have no problem believing that you are truely a kind, good, person who made a mistake that does not define who you are. Honestly. I read your replies this morning and thought, see, she seems like a wonderful person and also made a mistake, it is not just you. I can see you as a good person,but myself as a monster.

Edited March 24, 2016 by imsosad
typos

[Babsinhealing]

Babs,

I know exactly what you mean.

I lost my own good oppinion of myself,too.

I feel like this might be the most painful aspect of my A.

I have always tried to be compassionate and knd. I always tried to be careful and respectful of others. I work in healthcare,caring for others as well.

I harbor loads of guilt towards my H.

Still, the one thought that thoroughly does me in,is how i co conspired in hurting his wife, while she was pregnant.

I feel like nothing i will ever do can redeem me.

Being a good person is central to my being, but i feel i got off that train the second i carried on with a pregnant woman's husband.

How can i ever call myself a good person?

My patients bring me flowers and cakes and letters, calling me an angel,a saint, a blessing. I feel like a fraud, not deserving of any of that.

My hope is that in time, this feeling will fade.

When he calls, and i shut him down,even though i want to do the opposite, i cant see how that is ever going to happen.

I gotta tell you, Babs, i have no problem believing that you are truely a kind, good, person who made a mistake that does not define who you are. Honestly. I read your replies this morning and thought, see, she seems like a wonderful person and also made a mistake, it is not just you. I can see you as a good person,but myself as a monster.

I guess you are right- we all make mistakes and in retrospect we look back and say "what was I thinking". Thank you for seeing past my mistake and seeing the "real me" that I know still exists. I also believe you are kind and sweet and you just got caught up in the moment. Don't beat yourself up - focus on all those patients that need you. I don't practice anymore (went corporate) but turn all that guilt and shame into empathy and care. (Hugs)

[Bufo]

This man cares for himself. More than he does for his wife and more than he does for you. That's the way many wandering men are wired. He really wants two women (or possibly more) adoring him.

 

He is fishing. Easier to try to restart an A than it is to locate a replacement OW. Do you think his recent communication is unrelated to the hobby convention? He's trying to get you to go there and while there talk to him. Perfect cover for him. I think the term is "plausible deniability" should your H or his W also attend.

 

I'm not throwing bricks at you. He is the bad guy here. Given how mixed up you feel now stay away from the convention. That's my 2 cents worth.