Not over it [updated]

[OWAmy]

Is it fishing though?

 

I would just take this as he wants to go to the event but wonders if you will be there. Now he knows you are not going he can go along with no fear of bumping into you and enjoy the event. Sorry, but I think people read more into these things that they often need to.

Edited February 1, 2016 by OWAmy
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[imsosad]

Thank you for your comments.

Empathy and a kick in the *** is the right combination for me.

I never blocked him on my phone because he promised to cooperate with nc and kept his word for months. He is blocked from my fb, at his request, so he couldnt look.at photos.

I am experiencing mixed emotions and it is a rollercoaster.

I am super focused at home and doing my best to be a great wife to my H. My H is the live of my life and i never want to him to find out,even though i am sometimes tempted to unburden myself.

I dont want my x ap,neither as an ap or as a husband. I think hes troubled,self centered,childish and is a narcisist to some extent. Some of the drug like feelings have lingered. I cant explain it, im not in love with him but a part of me holds on to him. Maybe its not to him,but to the immature romantic notion we had of each other.

I am doing well, working hard, raising kids,investing in my R with my H

I still feel as though something has broken inside me and it is not healing as fast as i wish it did. I cant feel like person i always was.guilt guilt guilt. Maybe i have a fantasy that if MM did this,he can take it away.

I know he cant. I have to come to terms with what i did.

Funny thing is,i think my H would forgive me more easily and quickly tgan.i can myself.

Cant believe i messed up my life this way.

[Lovetoohard]

The mixed emotions roller coaster will stabilize. Just power through it and focus on all of the positives in your life. The good news is that you've looked back on your experience and can objectively see XMM for what he truly is and you have no desire to go back to that toxic world. Sounds like he was selfishly checking to see whether you would be at the event and was worried about how you'd handle it with his family there too. i believe that he genuinely misses the way the A made him feel, but it comes from a childish, emotionally stunted place. It's the addictive highs that xAP's miss. Be kind to yourself, constantly remind yourself of how terrible the A made you feel and appreciate your H for being a good partner to you.

[whichwayisup]

Now you need to block him as he just proved to you that he can't keep his word about NC.

[Forceawakensme]

Is it fishing though?

 

I would just take this as he wants to go to the event but wonders if you will be there. Now he knows you are not going he can go along with no fear of bumping into you and enjoy the event. Sorry, but I think people read more into these things that they often need to.

 

 

 

OWAmy i would have agreed with you until i read that he wrote that he misses her and is having a hard time. He could have left it at the simple query about the event.. sounds like he wanted to start some dialogue..

 

Let him go. Because i am fully equipped to hand out advice like this right now when i can barely make it through a day without breaking NC LOL. Dont be like me, save yourself from further pain.

[sandylee1]

I'm just curious why you'd risk it all when you have a great husband you love...for this non entity of a man cheating while his wife is pregnant..furthermore in the maternity ward.

 

What were you not getting in your marriage that made you start this affair..

 

Another way the affair could be exposed is his wife seeing his phone. ALWAYS remember that a secret is only safe if ONE person knows about it. There will be things beyond your control.

[Friskyone4u]

Someone asked you why he could still contact you and why you have not blocked him??

 

He was able to contact you because you did not want to make sure he could not.

 

I hope you stick to your decision not to go to event

[Gigi2015]

Please block this jerk. He doesn't even know what he wants. Hold on to your heart. Always pay attention to actions not only words.

[imsosad]

Sandy,

You asked about my M.

My H is a great guy and he loves me. However,he has not always been a good H,he is the first to admit it.

We met at university,married young and had 4 children, all within six years. We are in our mud thirties now.

He worked very hard to provide. I come from a pretty well off family,but to his credit,he never relied on that and was determined to make it his owm way.

I was a SAHM,he was always at work.problem was,he was so focused on wirk that for years i was completly alone with the kids. He was a loving dad,but always busy. He wasnt really present.

I went back to work when our youngest began school,but he still let me deal with everything by myself. parenting duties,chores,anything that wasnt job related was just not in his scope.We moved to a new area,with a tight community. I made every effort to blend in,to the benefit of our kids.he never tried to be friendly with our neighbours and friends,it wasnt about work so it wasnt important. I went by myself to events,trips,weddings,parties.

When i met my AP i was already thinking,i am alone all the time anyway. What do i need him for?

He always payed attention to me romantically, complimenting, courting etc. But i also needed a partner.

My AP was always telling me (manipulating,i guess)

Youre always on your own, if i was lucky enough to be your H,id be home all the time

Yeah,i know its BS

But it hit a nerve.

A strange thing happened. I have been telling my H what was bothering me throughout our marriage. Even during my A,my AP always commented that we were close and in live. He was always telling me, you live your husband.

During my A,my H did a 180. Virtually everything that was wrong changed. He suddenly got it.

I can only say that my A would have never happened now. I am not blaming my H for it. I should have not done it. You asked what led me to it,this is it in a nutshell

[sandylee1]

Thank you for sharing that. I know how difficult it is with little kids when you feel like you're doing everything by yourself...and even though your H is working..you just need practical help. I totally get that.

 

What you describe about your AP..... is how a lot of MM operate when they want to seduce a MW. They home in on any areas of trouble with the marriage. It's calculated.

 

I do believe what you say about your A not happening now things have changed. glad things are better in your marriage too.

 

Block the OM out of your life for good. You need to view it as a really bad choice and explore better ways to deal with marital problems. Some people actually tell their spouse..that a certain type of behaviour is killing their love..they say this before am A in the hopes to deal with the problem.

 

I hope things continue to improve and you build a strong and healthy marriage.

[sammy7111]

Would you forgive your husband for cheating

[imsosad]

Are you asking me?

Well,to be honest, a while ago i would have said no way.

I have a different perspective now.

Forgiveness would depends on questions such as,who ended it and why? How long did it go on for? Was there sex involved?

And so on.

I believe my H would forgive me because there was no sex and i ended it because i love my h and knew i was doing him wrong.i didnt wait to be found out, i maintained some boundries within the A.

My best friend,who was my confidant through this mess, advised me to keep our mails and texts as proof,exonarating evidence...

Why do you ask?

[Jersey born raised]

I think it might be wishful thinking on your part if your husband would accept the adultery (and the reasons for it) forgive you, and in time forget the adultery.

 

Start with the reason for it: in hindsight you know now he was more then capable of changing. What caused the change ? Most men at some level view their ability to earn and provide as the most important reason a women will stay with them long term. True or false it is a core belief and will drive there decision making process. In this they can be no different then women thoughts on breast size. Breast size are nothing more then eye candy to many men but how many women get enlargements thinking that will sole a problem ? You stated you came from well off family, him perhaps not so much a double whammy. Did he reach a level of confidence that he had achieved more then enough economic strength that he could now turn to other matters ? Now comes the revelation of your adultery, he feels demeaned and a failure, he questions his value to you and other women, and thinks ecominics-check, actual can be and is a supportive partner in all aspects of life - check and then he looks at you.

 

That leaves one burning question is he considered a good lover. He knows (again this is his reality) you don't necessarily think so, so he wonders if perhaps another women or more varied women and experience will be good.

 

You have a lot to ponder and prepare for. At some point he will think, I know my worth and it is good, so struggle with a relationship with you and not just start over clean with someone else.

[Jersey born raised]

My parents were very similar to you and your husband's economic backgrounds and the early years of their marriage, so I do have some sense of the dynamics of your marriage.

 

Where both of you hard nose about not seeking economic help from family members or was that something you accepted but was critical to him.

 

As to AP: pure player. His recent contact was fishing. Players are not ONS bar guys. They play a long game with multi women at all times. If you think not you would know, then why doesn't your husband know. 15 years from now your AP will still be fishing for the validation you accepting him will give him.

[imsosad]

I think those four months do mot define the entire two decades we are together. My admit always says he had not gotten through school and built the great carreer he has made for himself without my support. He acknowledges that i was always supportive of his goals, but not just them. I knew ge worked hard and made sure he was free to persue sport,leisure,down time. He ignore my needs for years. He himself says that i was always a very good wife,but that while he loved me dearly,he did not know how to be a good husband.

Example: having four kids in five years meant years of broken nights. Not once did he get up to care for them.didnt matter if i was sick,exhausted, if it was a weekend. He was all,i work,youre at home,you do it. It changed with our 4th and youngest child,today he regrets being so insensitive and unsupportive.

Again,this does not justify my A.

We have ni trouble sexually,my A did not include sex and was never about that aspect.

He was very stubborn in his relationship with my family. It caused problems.

How do you know my AP was a player?

Im still not sure about him and his motivations.

I wish i could get some clarity in that.

[sophinla]

Eyes met across the room and he initiated contact and pursue you? Do you really think a married man have not learn to control his urge when he sees attractive women, after years of regular sex, while committed in a marriage, and wife pregnant at home?

 

A seasoned, patient player. You are not his only nor his first. They play the waiting game and hunt like spiders.

[Jersey born raised]

I have found several amazing articles abd posts on several boards, imckufdubg this one. I am going to paste two from another board. First what and who and how players prey. She is you recognize some of yourself here. It was written by a guy who claimed to be one.

 

Player

 

 

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

[Jersey born raised]

Next was written about how an EA develops. Note an EA is in nearly every case is simply an PA that has not gone physical yet. This is could also be torn right from the players handbook 101.

 

 

Emotional affair*

 

 

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into:

 

Their lives since they parted

Their relationships since they parted*

Their families

Their spouses

You

How you're an excellent father

How you're a great husband

How you're a wonderful guy

Your job

How your job keeps you busy

How your job keeps you away

How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away

How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home

How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted

How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her

How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her

How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her

How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy

How she loved hearing from him again

How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now

How she feels young again

How she feels appreciated again

How she feels attractive again

How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again

How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way

How her eyes have now been opened

How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs

How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that

How insensitive you can be some times

How you can be a real jerk sometimes

How she wonders if they would have stayed together

How she now realizes that she never really loved you

How she now realizes that she really loved him all along

How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you

How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known

How you're standing in the way of her true happiness

How you ruined her life

How she made a big mistake marrying you

How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go

How now she sees that they were really meant to be together

How she desperately has to get away from you

How she's definitely going to leave you

How she's talking to divorce lawyers

How they're going to live happily ever after...

[Jersey born raised]

His reaction to you turning down the last get together and he phased it settled the question for me.

 

Try copy and pasting the post about an EA into a word document, space a chunk of space between each point, print out and fill in how that point might have applied to you.

 

Finally your friend is right but it might not help if your husband finds out. Put the texts and emails on a flash drive and entrust it to someone outside of the home. Perhaps an IC, MC or a rabbi, priest, reverend. Do not leave in home and leave a note on it as to why you are saving these items. Discovery at a later date will only create a question of why these were so important you to save.

 

Understand if he discovers 15 years from now it will be no different then he discovered today. Understand the emotional trauma of an EA and PA will also linger in the background and are often identical. Take time now to learn the terms triggers and mind movies. Read posts here and on other boards threads by BS.

 

I wish you success in healing yourself and your marriage. I hope you both you and your husband (notice I had to clarify husband) learn to be self aware and strong enough to say "hey we need to TALK NOW buddy !!!

[imsosad]

Thanks,guys,for your comments.

Man, reading that made me feel so bad

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks,guys,for your comments.

Man, reading that made me feel so bad

 

I didn't want to quote the entire Player post but WOW. That's all I have to say. It's really hard to imagine that is my xMM as he is not what I would have ever considered a player but it really does ring true, all I read in the post. Especially the part about the woman he works with who lost everything and hated him, I could read his indifference/contempt for her in that post.

 

My H, who knows everything, has an expression about men. He says they throw anything against the wall to see if it sticks. So when I get these compliments, cute PMs, the "I love you"s, attention from guys, they are doing it to a lot of women to see if one falls for it. With xMM, I thought I was special. I wasn't. I just fell for it. But now my eyes are opened and I can see it coming from a mile away. It's amazing really. Now, not every guy is like that, looking to get in my pants, but there are a lot out there. And I'm not special, anyone will do. What is interesting is that I really didn't get much attention in my 20s or 30s, but something happened in my 40s. Maybe all these men have been married 20 years and now are bored or something. I don't know.

 

Thanks for posting that though. Wow.

[imsosad]

Midnight,

How did you get over feeling played?

I always brushed off attention very easily, recognizing them for what they were: Casual passes, guys having a go, trying to see if they can. Never lost my head, never got high on it.Basically, didnt give it a second thought.

I dont get why my alarm didnt go off on this guy

I feel tainted, horrified, just plain stupid.

Wish i could shake it off.

Reading his post is awful. He is one heartless,manipulative piece of work (not jersey,obviously, the guy he was quoting)

Exactly like you said, just wow.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight,

How did you get over feeling played?

I always brushed off attention very easily, recognizing them for what they were: Casual passes, guys having a go, trying to see if they can. Never lost my head, never got high on it.Basically, didnt give it a second thought.

I dont get why my alarm didnt go off on this guy

I feel tainted, horrified, just plain stupid.

Wish i could shake it off.

Reading his post is awful. He is one heartless,manipulative piece of work (not jersey,obviously, the guy he was quoting)

Exactly like you said, just wow.

 

I agree. I am not one to fall for a guy hitting on me. In my situation, he was good. He did not hit on me like the others, he played on my sympathy for his situations in life and told me he loved me. We were not involved when he told me that he loved me but because I knew him for years, I took him at his word. At the time I had no romantic interest and just cared about his problems, as a friend. Over time he worked on me, building trust and intimacy until we ended up in an A. Now I see it for what it was. He was doing this tactic with lots of women, seeing if anything took. Planting seeds all over.

 

How did I get over it? Well, I definitely have been feeling stupid and all the other bad things people feel when they are played. I talked about it with people who made me feel better - my husband, a therapist, my friends. I guess I am just starting to forgive myself, pick myself up and move on. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know? I'm definitely smarter now. And they say, every relationship teaches you something. I learned I need to have a lot more self esteem and not allow anyone to treat me poorly. I'm focusing on the people important in my life - my husband and my kids. I won't mislead you, it stings when I see him. I feel dumb. But it does get a bit better. It just takes time. You just have to see it for what it was. And move on.

[imsosad]

Thanks.

Im really sorry you still have to see him.

I can see how talking about it to your husband helps. Did telling your H help you deal with the guilt?

I am reeling with guilt and shame.

I didnt tell my H. Maybe i should.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks.

Im really sorry you still have to see him.

I can see how talking about it to your husband helps. Did telling your H help you deal with the guilt?

I am reeling with guilt and shame.

I didnt tell my H. Maybe i should.

 

Well. I saw it like this: our A was a secret between xMM and myself. It kept me bound to him, even if only in my own mind at this point. H did know about xMM but had no idea the full extent. I told H because I could not rebuilt on a foundation of lies and I reached the point where I was okay with H wanting to end our marriage because of what I did and who I was. I felt it was H's right to know the truth and make an informed decision. I knew in my heart that either way I would be on the path to getting past xMM. If H and I split, I'd be single and very busy with my own life, I would not be sitting around thinking of him. And if H and I worked things out, I had broken the bond between MM and myself by being honest.

 

H took 24 hours - he was pretty mad and yelled a lot - but then he surprised me. He said as long as I was being honest that it was over and was more careful in the future, he was willing to forgive and move on together. Without writing a novel, he had a lot of power to do a lot of bad things to me which many men would have done (I have a business and interact with xMM and to break contact with xMM would effectively shut down my business. I asked MM to remove himself but he said no) But H again surprised me, he gave me a full second chance, a do-over. He said he's had things in his life where he wished he could reset the clock and just get a complete do-over, so he understood. I'm grateful, it;s like the doctor says, the tumor has disappeared! That is how I feel.

 

H is no victim, he has not been the greatest husband but I have not been the greatest wife. We are just moving forward.

 

In terms of xMM, my feelings for H and myself and my future are stronger than MM. I still feel stupid but it's just not that important. Forgive yourself. You got fooled. It happens. I can't tell you if you should tell your H, that is up to you.