Not over it [updated]

[Midwestmissy]

Keep in mind the affair in my wh's case was 4 month ea followed by 4 month pa. Not a long term affair. And while they may have had an infatuation that lasted some or most of that time, he tells me now that it was less about her per se than what he was running from. So I suffer(Ed) for someone he didn't care about. He wasn't torn between us or contemplating leaving our marriage. People underestimate the emotional - and physical - damage of lies.

[Horton]

I guess counselling is the way to go. Believe it or not,I am a therapist myself. Big help:)

 

I can believe that.

 

The only thing I will achieve by telling by H is getting this terrible liad off my chest.

 

You'd also achieve no longer deceiving him into living a life that he's not chosen for himself, namely that of a cuckolded husband.

If it was just emotional,i.may have told him.it was not sexual,but romantic and we did hold hands,cuddke,kiss. This will devestate my husband.

It most definitely will, but surely that's not a good enough reason to continue playing him for a fool is it?

I will never ever do it again.NO WAY. I am just not cut out for an affair. It has all but destroyedmy happiness,my piece of mind,my life.

 

The amount of cheaters who've said these same words only to reignite their affair or have another affair might surprise you. You don't know what you'll do just yet, you're not even "over" your affair partner at this point. How can you have any certainty that you won't cave if he reaches out to you in person?

Thank you for your reply,i totally get what youre saying about same sex friends as emotional affairs

PS i didnt mention it,but english is not my first language,please excuse spelling mistakes or other oddities

 

Your English seems just dandy to me.

 

I sense that you truly are conflicted about what to do, so let me be blunt with you, you're justifying not telling your husband about your affair by convincing yourself that it would be a selfish act that unburdens you and places the burden solely on the shoulders of your husband. You're on the other woman/other man forum of a relationship advice site, so of course most of the responses are gonna agree with that position. If you truly wish to know what your husband would prefer then why not simply read threads from some of the sub forums where the spouses who've actually been cheated on congregate, there's one on this site and there are multiple other ones as well and you will see what they have to say about the topic of whether or not they would have preferred living a lie?

 

I can just about guarantee you that it's gonna be pretty well slanted in the direction of being honest with your husband. Betrayed spouses almost universally claim that in spite of the pain they are dealing with they're glad to know the truth about their own life, while the people who are actually doing the cheating almost universally opt for keeping it hidden since they tend to have a vested interest in keeping the truth suppressed in situations like this.

 

What does that tell you? I'll give you a hint, sweeping this under the rug isn't for him(no matter how much you tell yourself that it is) it's actually for you. Lying to one's spouse does not a martyr make. A secret kept from a spouse that if revealed could potentially end the relationship is the very definition of a sham marriage and that's exactly what you'll be resigning both him and yourself to if you continue unilaterally deciding what information he's allowed to know about his own life.

[ladydesigner]

I sense that you truly are conflicted about what to do, so let me be blunt with you, you're justifying not telling your husband about your affair by convincing yourself that it would be a selfish act that unburdens you and places the burden solely on the shoulders of your husband. You're on the other woman/other man forum of a relationship advice site, so of course most of the responses are gonna agree with that position. If you truly wish to know what your husband would prefer then why not simply read threads from some of the sub forums where the spouses who've actually been cheated on congregate, there's one on this site and there are multiple other ones as well and you will see what they have to say about the topic of whether or not they would have preferred living a lie?

 

I can just about guarantee you that it's gonna be pretty well slanted in the direction of being honest with your husband. Betrayed spouses almost universally claim that in spite of the pain they are dealing with they're glad to know the truth about their own life, while the people who are actually doing the cheating almost universally opt for keeping it hidden since they tend to have a vested interest in keeping the truth suppressed in situations like this.

 

What does that tell you? I'll give you a hint, sweeping this under the rug isn't for him(no matter how much you tell yourself that it is) it's actually for you. Lying to one's spouse does not a martyr make. A secret kept from a spouse that if revealed could potentially end the relationship is the very definition of a sham marriage and that's exactly what you'll be resigning both him and yourself to if you continue unilaterally deciding what information he's allowed to know about his own life.

 

Totally true! Any info withheld from the BS is solely to protect the WS. I think many WS like the feeling of having all the control and if they disclosed their secret that power would be taken away immediately.

[Captivating]

Totally true! Any info withheld from the BS is solely to protect the WS. I think many WS like the feeling of having all the control and if they disclosed their secret that power would be taken away immediately.

 

Not confessing benefits everyone ! Confessing benefits noone.

Not even the husband.

I know it sounds like a noble, honest, virtuous act to confess.

This was a lesson for her and I think it puts thing into perspetive in her life.

Possibly triggering to be the best wife and Mom from now on.

[LilMama1097]

In response to the original post (sorry I'm heading to work and can't read the whole thread right now) 1. Affair or not, that does NOT make you a bad mother ever!!

Affairs are addictions just like drugs. If you go into rehab you have to detox, go through therapy and even with that, they say you're at high risk to relapse the first YEAR. So with the affair, you're only half way through the "rehab" process and that's without counseling. Just remind yourself that it takes time. Believe me I KNOW how bad NC hurts I'm sorry you're hurting so much though

[imsosad]

Summary:

Both married, had EA (no sex, some hand holding and kissing) for six months.Contemplated leaving our spouses, realised neither one of us was up for it. I ended it. It has been 7 months of complete nc (he made one attempt six months ago,i shut i shut him down on the spot)

I have been struggling with so much guilt,shame. Just now begining to feel like my old self.my relationship with my husband got much better. I focuse all the interest,attention and affection towards him and he did the same. We had a rough patch for about two years and my A happened when we were talkidivorce.

My ex AP and i share a hobby. A rather rare one. I have not been participating in any of the hobby related activities since going nc. We live on two different suburbs of the same city,so its always a possibility of running in to each other.it has not happened until now,for which i am grateful.

Next week is the annual

[imsosad]

Anyway

Next week is the annual party of our mutual hobby club. People come from all over the state so a large number of participants .i might not see him at all there. Still, i dont feel right about going. Its true we could run in to each other at any given time but thisis going somewhere its very likely he will be. I do not want him back. I have nothing to say to him. Is it wrong to go?

[Friskyone4u]

Imsosad

 

I'd skip it for this year. The possible breaking of NC is there, and since you broke it off if you see him, he WILL take another run at you. He wants in your pants. Why put yourself in a place where there is a much greater chance of bumping in to him.

 

Maybe not attending will be a consequence of what you did that will remind you of the place you were headed if your husband found out.

[Miss Clavel]

Anyway

Next week is the annual party of our mutual hobby club. People come from all over the state so a large number of participants .i might not see him at all there. Still, i dont feel right about going. Its true we could run in to each other at any given time but thisis going somewhere its very likely he will be. I do not want him back. I have nothing to say to him. Is it wrong to go?

 

 

"I'm So Sad"?

 

sad that you might not be going? sad that you might want to wait until next year to go?

[imsosad]

It;'s a username i picked a while ago.

Today i would have probably picked "soguilty"...

[privategal]

Id say don't go and also maybe quit the hobby since its maybe a trigger.

Your doing really good. Most people can't make a clean break and go 100% nc so kudos keep going!

[imsosad]

I doubt he will try anything.

He never got in my pants, even when I thought I was in love with him. We ended on good terms, he agreed to never contact me again.

I think he will make it a point not to approach me at all. even if he did, I would not want to speak to him at all.

I don't know about this thing. Next year it will be alright to go?

I don't want to miss it but I don't want to take a wrong step here. I really want to do right by my husband. If he comes with me, does it make it more fair and safe? The reason I don't want him to go with me is because I feel like it's disrespectful to take him somewhere my ex AP will be

[privategal]

The next time you should go is when you feel at peace about it and have no questions of right or wrong or any second thoughts or discomfort. Thats when you should begin to go again. The fact that you have to ask means your not ready.

[Popsicle]

If it is giving you anxiety or you done feel right, don't go this year. Go next year.

[Friskyone4u]

Imsosad,

I think you are correct about not bringing husband for the following reasons

(1) you obviously we're not caught . If this OM even acts like he knows you in front of your husband you may have to compound the lies you have already told by making up another story.

(2) if you ever do confess, and someday you might , your husband will most likely regard it as more disrespectful as you stated , especially if OM does make contact with you there.

(3) it appears you have done well at NC . Why tempt yourself ???

 

This convention will be there as will the hobby next year or whenever this is safely behind you. Play it safe and stay away. Not the end of the world and maybe it is good to have a little negative consequence for your EA.

 

Just one more thing . Sorry , but kissing with his tongue in your mouth is a little more than an EA.. Just my opinion

[whichwayisup]

I doubt he will try anything.

He never got in my pants, even when I thought I was in love with him. We ended on good terms, he agreed to never contact me again.

I think he will make it a point not to approach me at all. even if he did, I would not want to speak to him at all.

I don't know about this thing. Next year it will be alright to go?

I don't want to miss it but I don't want to take a wrong step here. I really want to do right by my husband. If he comes with me, does it make it more fair and safe? The reason I don't want him to go with me is because I feel like it's disrespectful to take him somewhere my ex AP will be

 

Decide which is more important to you, having peace and improvement in yourself and marriage or your hobby. Respectfully it's a no brainer on what you should do.

[Grey Cloud]

I would ask myself this question and be as honest as possible - is there a tiny part of me that wants to see him again and/or he see me?

 

If the answer is yes and even if it's only 1% then don't go. It's opening a can of worms because if you do see him you will start thinking about him again constantly.

[imsosad]

I know it seems like the obvious thing to do is walk away from my hobby. It is something i have been doing for over 20 years,it is a huge part of me.

My family is my first priority. I guess not going is the obvious path.

I think about my xAP anyway,i dont believe it will make much of a difference. I dont harbour romantic notions about him,but this A has shaken me to the core,i am still healing. I think aboyt it every day,mostly in regards to the regret and remorse i feel.im trying to figure out how to feel like 'me' again.

Mostly,i never want to see my ap ever again. It will be like a reminder of my weakest,darkest moment. A part of me wants to see him. Maybe to test how i feel?maybe im hoping it will help me understand things i still dont?

I feel a bit ridiculous making such a fuss,when later today i just might run in to him at the supermarket or at a cafe. We live less than 15minutes away from each other and some of my children are the same age as his (i have 4,he has2)

I really hope that one day,this bad choice i made will not be a constant shadow hanging over me.

I am stil undecided about telling my husband. I am pretty sure he would eventually forgive me because he is a very special person,but i dont want to inflict this pain on him. Not when i know for certain i will never do this again.it has been tge worst experience of my life.

To the commenter who side eyed me about using the term emotional affair: yes,there was touching,but thiking from my husbands perspective-i did not have sex (or take off my clothes,or anything even close to that) but i did for a while consider another man as my partner. I let him get close to me. I told him things. I used EA to minimise my guilt,rather that's where i feel i betrayed my husband most.

Man, i really wish i had a time machine.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If you believe it would be disrespectful to take your spouse where your AP might be then I think that it would be disrespectful for you to go where your AP might be without him as well.

[imsosad]

I was asking here the other day about going or not going t an event he is likely to attend.

He texted to say he's nervous about the upcoming event. He aplogized for breaking nc and said he doesnt know what to expext.

I texted back saying i wasnt going.

He wrote he's having a hard time and tgat he still misses me. I didnt reply.

I feel so strange.it really threw me off.

Just needed to tell someone who will understand why my head is spinning right now.

I dont want to resume the A. NO WAY.i kind of iss him too,but i feel i am happy in my life. Still,it triggered me.

I want to stay steady and committed to nc.

Inhale,exhale.

[lemondrop21]

After 7 months, that would be so painful. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

It is unfortunate that he decided to prioritize his feelings and pain over respect for your healing. I'm glad you don't want to resume the A although I imagine there's that tiny voice inside that is tempted to do so. But you won't. You sound strong. You remember all the pain. Just breathe and don't respond. He didn't say anything has changed in his marriage so there's nothing to talk about.

[imsosad]

It means alot.

I felt silly reacting so emotionally. Seven months is a long time,i feel it shouldnt matter at all by this point.but it does.

I am married too, neither of us was ready to break up our families,even though he said it first and at one point i did consider it for real.

I dont want to resume the A mainly because i love my H, and he does not deserve it. I also know my H is so much better suited for me than my xAP. For example, he doesnt cheat...

I managed to convince myself my x ap is a serial cheating slimeball and that he forgot about me the day after i ended our A. I felt like an idiot thinking about him and missing him. Now i got a funny feeling. Even though,he might be playing and manipulating now too. I dont know what hes like anymore.

Even if he did divorce,i dont want him. This is a man who cheated on his pregnant wife.this is a guy who wanted us to go the movies while she was in the maternity ward. He said awful things about her. I have so much guilt towards her,it is so unlike me to behave this way.it truely is as though i was on crack.

I want nothing to do with him,yet him saying he missed me and was still trying to move on did something to me. Is it normal after so much time has gone by?

The A lasted four months. It is taking me forever to heal.

[RySant]

Well, I just hope your husband won't find out (although he deserves to know).... I can only imagine his pain.

[twosadthings]

Your last thread asked if you would break no contact if you went to the event. The consensus was to skip it so you wouldn't break the no contact.

 

 

Now you say you were contacted, replied and received a further text that can only be categorized as fishing. Why is he still able to reach you by text? Why haven't you blocked him? You haven't told your husband and you're still speculating about your feelings.

 

 

You're going to be found out either by your husband reading your texts or him finding this thread when you forget to log out. Shakespeare said "The truth will out". I'm not suggesting you tell him, but you should have a plan if he finds out on his own and some way to assure him no part of your mind still values what you did.

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

Twosadthings

Edited February 1, 2016 by twosadthings
typo

[Forceawakensme]

I was asking here the other day about going or not going t an event he is likely to attend.

He texted to say he's nervous about the upcoming event. He aplogized for breaking nc and said he doesnt know what to expext.

I texted back saying i wasnt going.

He wrote he's having a hard time and tgat he still misses me. I didnt reply.

I feel so strange.it really threw me off.

Just needed to tell someone who will understand why my head is spinning right now.

I dont want to resume the A. NO WAY.i kind of iss him too,but i feel i am happy in my life. Still,it triggered me.

I want to stay steady and committed to nc.

Inhale,exhale.

 

Imsosad -- You've been heard and i FEEL your pain.

 

Gosh that would really screw me up too. The only thing that gets me through any of the days is the idea that my MM doesn't want me .. If i feel in anyway that he does it starts to hurt as i feel a case of the 'awwws' ...

 

You are going to be fine. Just go back to NC (for real his time:) -- Block that MOFO and know he was fishing. So what he misses you? .Of course he does, hes a crack addict too.