Not over it [updated]

[Marc878]

It means alot.

I felt silly reacting so emotionally. Seven months is a long time,i feel it shouldnt matter at all by this point.but it does.

I am married too, neither of us was ready to break up our families,even though he said it first and at one point i did consider it for real.

I dont want to resume the A mainly because i love my H, and he does not deserve it. I also know my H is so much better suited for me than my xAP. For example, he doesnt cheat...

I managed to convince myself my x ap is a serial cheating slimeball and that he forgot about me the day after i ended our A. I felt like an idiot thinking about him and missing him. Now i got a funny feeling. Even though,he might be playing and manipulating now too. I dont know what hes like anymore.

Even if he did divorce,i dont want him. This is a man who cheated on his pregnante wife.this is a guy who wanted us to go the movies while she was in the maternity ward. He said awful things about her. I have so much guilt towards her,it is so unlike me to behave this way.it truely is as though i was on crack.

I want nothing to do with him,yet him saying he missed me and was still trying to move on did something to me. Is it normal after so much time has gone by?

The A lasted four months. It is taking me forever to heal.

 

Dang. He's as low as they come. Were you aware of the situation at time?

[imsosad]

Did i know?

Yes and no.

I knew she was pregnant. I didnt get that we were having an EA. I know i sound dumb. Im not. I really dont know what i was thinking and why. Id say temporary insanity,but i dont want to let myself off easy.

My mind set was, we're just talking. We were just talking.

I was really excited when his kid was born. When he said,let's go to the movies, i just laughed. I mean,are you crazy?! Get over there and be with your wife!

There is such a disconnect between this behaviour and how nice and caring he seemed.

Buy yeah, low is the right word.

[Jersey born raised]

I remember reading advise to a woman in your situation (remember she was of the WW II generation) that it would be selfish of her to confess. For every good reason not to, there is a good one to.

 

For god sake if you deciede not to share this with your husband, scub the computer and you phone. I believe my advise to put it on a flash drive with a note on why and your remorse, and give to someone to hold is sound. The fall out will be immense if he discovers what has happened.

 

Stop telling yourself there are not issues in your marriage. Your EA was not an OMG he (she if you where a guy) is so hot moment. He isa player and he picked up on it. As an aside ask your friend if she thinks you would have taken it physical.

 

I've read two books recommended repeated: His Needs - Her Needs and the five languages of love. I have read reviews and excepts and both seem very good.

 

My parents attended a group Marriage Encounters decades ago. This group was very explicit about it being for ONLY for couples in a stable marriage not in crises. It's purpose was to enrich and encourage couples to evolve their marriage in health ways as their lives played out.

 

See if you can find any groups like this. If you find one I would encourage you to start a thread about them and other such groups for feed back. (check with a mod first before listing names.)

Edited February 11, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[imsosad]

Summary:

Both married. Had intense,romantic mostly EA last year. We were not found out. He broke NC month after i broke it off eight months ago. Then,seven months of blessed silence. A month ago he wrote to ask if id be at a convention.i said no. He wrote to say he still misses me, i did not respond and blocked him everywhere.

I got a hand written letter at work today.

He wrote to say he was hurt i blocked him,though he gets that i want nc. He basically said that he was wondering how i could just walk away so easily and not look back,whike he felt stuck and unable to get on with his life.

He asked to talk just once to figure out what our R was and get closure.

He said that he thinks i made him out to be monster in my mind so that i could forget him easily ,because he cant wrap his head around feeling so in love just a few months ago and then just dropping him.

I did not forget him and it was not easy to walk away, but i could not handle being in an A. I dont like secrets, lies,manipulations.

I feel like a 15 year old relating all this on a message board.

This whole thing is making me feel terribly emabarrased.

I just can't hold this by myself.

I dont want to go back. I want to be happy in my M. Mostly,i am happy in my M now.

This letter messed with my head so bad. It's like being dragged down.

I have no intention of replying.

This is making me feel very bad and i can't even pinpoint exactly why.

[imsosad]

We dont and never did work together.

I asked the secretary and there was a call a couple od days ago asking how i could be reached via post,which is unusual. Im guessing he called and sent the letter because he is blocked on al social media, emil,etc

[privategal]

Im sure it is emotionally very hard.

To some it could bring some strength and relief to know it was hard on him as well.

Honestly Id like to know it was hard on my xeap as well, it would be comforting but also very sad as you are.

Your going to be ok and be able to keep healing.

There isnt any need to feel embarrased, you took every step you could.

I feel tempted to say though many would vehemently disagree...that I might think there could be some value to meeting in a crowded busy place to give the closure and put the nail in the coffin?

Otherwise he may never stop contacting.

It may give you some control to ensure he clearly knows where you stand now.

[lemondrop21]

Wow, a handwritten letter by post is quite a lot of effort. Apparently some people truly will pull out all the stops in order to make contact.

 

If you are now mostly happy in your marriage, as you say, then I don't think that meeting or talking to him will add any value for you or for him. If he wants to "figure out what your relationship was," I think that means he still wants there to be a chance that you would leave your marriage. It sounds like there isn't any chance of that if I am reading correctly. "Closure" is a nice concept, but didn't you presumably already say most everything there was to say, at the time that you ended the affair?

 

You have gotten so far in your recovery - 8 months is amazing. I know this man meant a great deal to you, but you have to keep the focus on YOU right now and in the long run, that is what's best for everyone. So, the only way I think you should meet with him or speak to him is if you think it will help YOU to heal.

Edited February 25, 2016 by lemondrop21

[goodyblue]

I would put the letter back in the envelope, tape it shut, write return to sender and drop it in the mail. Don't let him mess with you. Put your heart in one place and your relationship will be so much better.

 

If he keeps this up and it is really taking a toll, threaten to reveal t all to his wife. He will go away then. Trust me, he doesn't care THAT much or he would have left her. He just wants his ego boosted. Best to leave that to his wife.

[bathtub-row]

Personally, I think it's cruel to not give a person closure. This is probably why you feel bad. Why not just tell him the truth and be done with it? You had a relationship with this guy, no matter how much you may wish you hadn't. Why not act humane and let him know the truth? And then tell him no more contact.

[Popsicle]

Unblock him and send him and email saying what you said here then block him again. He just needs to know why you ended it and that you don't hate him. You can also tell him that he doesn't need to respond back and that NC would be best in order to move on.

[imsosad]

Thank you all for your comments.

Lemondrop, eight months sounds like forever,right? Im nowhere near as healed as i had hoped.

I was so phased and shaken by the letter,that it did not occur to me to post it back.i will not out him to his wife. I dont want to ruin his life and i dont want him.to out me to my H.

Bathrub, why do you assume i never explained? He knows exactly why i broke it off. He want to know if i still love him and miss him and understand how i could walk away. I cant respond to that without betraying my H again and i have had enough of that for a lifetime.

I dont feel closure either,so i really cant give it to him.

It just cant happen between us and thats all there is to it.

While we did discuss leaving our spouses to be together, we both backtracked pretty quickly. He said it first, but then said we should reconsider. I think we both knew it wasnt really an option.

I never denied that i always loved my husband.

Neither of us was willinv to leave our M, and i wasnt willing to have an A.

It's so simple but feels very complicated.

[Lovetoohard]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It's not fun when the deep feelings and pain you've buried away come rushing back when you hear from them and they are hurting. Clearly your xMM doesn't have appeared to have done much to work on his marriage as he feels stuck and unable to move on. I will probably be among the minority in saying that as a former OW, I do sympathize with MM because it's almost like they're helpless little children with severly limited coping skills and stunted emotional intelligence. BUT where I draw the line is an OW compensating for something lacking in the MM's life with no real relationship to show for. It's especially hard to ignore someone you had a deep emotional connection with, as opposed to a **** buddy situation. You don't owe him a response but he may try harder if you don't firmly reiterate that you are happy in your marriage and that he needs to respect that.

Edited February 25, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[imsosad]

Lovetoohard-

No, he never intended to work on his M. His coping skill is very manipulative-keep her placated at all times so he can carry on with whatever it is he wants to do.

I feel kind of sad for them both.

In our last conversation i told him-i will either make my M work and be happy with him,or i will have to brave and leave. I will not live in limbo and i will not have an A.

He seemed to think an A will make it all better for him. He faied to see what was plain to see from the outside-it was falling apart for us both.

We both nearly lost our jobs (two different professions, companies) because in the stupidity of affair fog we were immature and irresponsible and used to meet every day instead of going to work. My cheeks are going red just writing it. She was getting suspicious. He was not sleeping , i was not sleeping or eating. It was just plain destruction. I cant believe i did this.

[BuddyX]

I'm happy that you were able to go NC for so long. You are doing great. He, on the other hand is a total P***y. He still wants to have the A going.

Closure is a joke. You got closure by going NC. Do not contact him, but if you must just tell him you'll forward his written note to his wife. That will shut him up. Keep on working on your M.

[Liam1]

I'm happy that you were able to go NC for so long. You are doing great. He, on the other hand is a total P***y. He still wants to have the A going.

Closure is a joke. You got closure by going NC. Do not contact him, but if you must just tell him you'll forward his written note to his wife. That will shut him up. Keep on working on your M.

 

I agree with this.

 

He likely sent the letter by post rather than email because it would be more difficult for is wife to find it, if he is married, too.

 

I consulted with several lawyers and the police because my ex AP is stalking both me and my wife.

 

They all advised me to ignore, ignore, ignore.

 

Apparently, when someone is obsessed with you, any kind of contact.....good or bad, is take as a sign of your interest in them.

 

If you contact him, his efforts may escalate.

[goodyblue]

Thank you all for your comments.

Lemondrop, eight months sounds like forever,right? Im nowhere near as healed as i had hoped.

I was so phased and shaken by the letter,that it did not occur to me to post it back.i will not out him to his wife. I dont want to ruin his life and i dont want him.to out me to my H.

Bathrub, why do you assume i never explained? He knows exactly why i broke it off. He want to know if i still love him and miss him and understand how i could walk away. I cant respond to that without betraying my H again and i have had enough of that for a lifetime.

I dont feel closure either,so i really cant give it to him.

It just cant happen between us and thats all there is to it.

While we did discuss leaving our spouses to be together, we both backtracked pretty quickly. He said it first, but then said we should reconsider. I think we both knew it wasnt really an option.

I never denied that i always loved my husband.

Neither of us was willinv to leave our M, and i wasnt willing to have an A.

It's so simple but feels very complicated.

 

I didn't say to out him. I don't believe in disclosure. What I am saying is, if you are serious about wanting him to go away, and it seems you are, then that is a sure way to get him to go away. Just tell him you will consider telling his wife if he doesn't back off.

[Grey Cloud]

Imsosad - I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. This can't be easy. I can't be sure what I would do but just think about hard the last 8 months has been but how far you have come in terms of dealing with the guilt and working on your M. You don't want to go back to square one. It is not your responsibility because he is stuck in his life and can't move on. He is looking to you to feel better about himself. Don't look to him to make you feel WORSE about yourself. Please keep us updated!

[privategal]

Hmm...true confession..my EA went on for yearssss...I think often...be strong...be strong. I do NOT reach out but still continually...I want to.

Because its lonely and hard and heres WHY...My husband is awesome.

Our marriage is awesome.

Heres a sharp reality though...friends...just normal platonic friends...reach out one or twice a month at best with kids, work, family...

If you are in an EA...they reach out ALOT...

I think people like connection and love... to feel needed.

The ea fills THAT void and its under the guise of true friendship so you really DO believe..or at least I did...that they are your TRUE friend and it just got set on fire by love...

But the good gal just starts feeling pretty...valued...wanted...WOW...I get all this from my "harmless" friend.

I can see how it keeps going..and how I (we) get so blind to the damage and how our own egos are also being stroked.

My own husband makes coffee, desires me physically, takes me on dates and calls and texts daily "just because" and to express love.

Somehow this wasnt enough to protect us from EA?

I wonder if its just companionship...habit...breaking monotany and a bit of excitement for us too?

My reasons were "innocent" I just needed that friendship so bad somehow.

My husband could NOT have been more perfect. Makes no sense.

Edited February 26, 2016 by privategal

[bathtub-row]

Bathrub, why do you assume i never explained? He knows exactly why i broke it off. He want to know if i still love him and miss him and understand how i could walk away. I cant respond to that without betraying my H again and i have had enough of that for a lifetime.

I dont feel closure either,so i really cant give it to him.

It just cant happen between us and thats all there is to it.

While we did discuss leaving our spouses to be together, we both backtracked pretty quickly. He said it first, but then said we should reconsider. I think we both knew it wasnt really an option.

I never denied that i always loved my husband.

Neither of us was willinv to leave our M, and i wasnt willing to have an A.

It's so simple but feels very complicated.

 

Oh, I see. I thought he was in the dark about the break up. That definitely changes things. There's no reason to respond to him. Hopefully he'll leave you alone now. I'm sorry this has gotten all stirred up again.

[66Charger]

Some read in silence, but with admiration. Your refusal to cross a line, even if you have walked up to it, shows incredible strength and a solid boundary. You may be sad, but IMHO you have maintained your dignity. Obviously, my words mean little here, and will probaly be ignored or ripped apart, but I do hope you will one day change your name. It is unworthy of you. Even with your difficulties, your actions and determination to hold, define strength and honor.

 

Salute.

[whichwayisup]

Summary:

Both married. Had intense,romantic mostly EA last year. We were not found out. He broke NC month after i broke it off eight months ago. Then,seven months of blessed silence. A month ago he wrote to ask if id be at a convention.i said no. He wrote to say he still misses me, i did not respond and blocked him everywhere.

I got a hand written letter at work today.

He wrote to say he was hurt i blocked him,though he gets that i want nc. He basically said that he was wondering how i could just walk away so easily and not look back,whike he felt stuck and unable to get on with his life.

He asked to talk just once to figure out what our R was and get closure.

He said that he thinks i made him out to be monster in my mind so that i could forget him easily ,because he cant wrap his head around feeling so in love just a few months ago and then just dropping him.

I did not forget him and it was not easy to walk away, but i could not handle being in an A. I dont like secrets, lies,manipulations.

I feel like a 15 year old relating all this on a message board.

This whole thing is making me feel terribly emabarrased.

I just can't hold this by myself.

I dont want to go back. I want to be happy in my M. Mostly,i am happy in my M now.

This letter messed with my head so bad. It's like being dragged down.

I have no intention of replying.

This is making me feel very bad and i can't even pinpoint exactly why.

 

He has some balls to contact you through a letter. Most wouldn't go that far and be so invasive. He didn't think of how you'd feel, your husband, his wife, only of himself.

 

Continue to ignore him and burn the better. If you respond it opens the door to more contact and you for sure don't want that.

[imsosad]

66Changer, thank you very much for your kind words. I wish i could see myself like that. Still a long way to go. I was truley moved by your words, especially as i see myself as the complete opposite these days. Btw,i love RATM too:)

 

Whichwayisup, he is very bold and intrusive. It feels good to be validated on that, it is somethibg i have felt all along but wasnt sure if i was correct in my assesment.

Thank you all for your comments, i feel every single comment has been helpful and i managed to somewhat regain composure and think clearly again.

[jenkins95]

66Changer, thank you very much for your kind words. I wish i could see myself like that. Still a long way to go. I was truley moved by your words, especially as i see myself as the complete opposite these days. Btw,i love RATM too:)

 

Whichwayisup, he is very bold and intrusive. It feels good to be validated on that, it is somethibg i have felt all along but wasnt sure if i was correct in my assesment.

Thank you all for your comments, i feel every single comment has been helpful and i managed to somewhat regain composure and think clearly again.

 

Hi imsosad, I have just re-read the entire thread and the new posts from the last day or so. Just want to send you a big (((hug))). It's so very tough what you are going through and i just can't imagine how messed up you must be having had the strength to go through so much NC only for him to break it. Please know that almost all of us who are in recovery post A, whether we are the OW, MM or whatever, physically feel and relate to your intense pain. I for one am sitting here trembling at my desk having read through all of that and actually want to cry. Every one of our stories is unique, but we are connected and united through the awful pain, which I think may be quite similar as it is rooted deep in our hearts. We are here for you. Keep posting!

Edited February 26, 2016 by jenkins95

[Doublegold]

I for one am sitting here trembling at my desk having read through all of that and actually want to cry. Every one of our stories is unique, but we are connected and united through the awful pain, which I think may be quite similar as it is rooted deep in our hearts. We are here for you. Keep posting!

 

Jenkins. you're always so kind, thoughtful and supportive to everyone on this forum and the opposite side who are hurting as well. Take care.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins. you're always so kind, thoughtful and supportive to everyone on this forum and the opposite side who are hurting as well. Take care.

 

Doublegold! Thank you

 

Now I really am crying.............. Happy tears!

 

I really appreciate that lovely post. Take care and keep your own fantastic posts coming! They are brilliant! J