Not over it [updated]

[lemondrop21]

A previous poster mentioned they suspected hidden issues concerning your husband. Are they any?

 

I think the only way your new relationship will work is if you acknowledge how the fall out of your decision will effect your spouses and children and ther likely reaction.

 

On my last post I asked you about where the rubber meets the road issues. I asked if you would move out, but I see he did.

 

Even if there are major issues within your husband (drug use, porn use, alcoholism, chronic unemployment, abusre, etc ) your children will be deeply effect by your decision. First by the divorce than by the attempt to blend families.

 

Be Prepared: a stupid expression from Boy Scouts. What really sucks about it is how true it is. I suspect a lot of APs who marry run up against this and lose the marriage as a result of not being prepared.

 

People are people and expect them to aiways be "oh so enlighten, understanding and self sacrificing" is foolish.

 

Not trying to be rude but I seriously doubt that, as a mother, OP is not considering her children's reactions. It's probably the biggest thing on her mind right now.

[Jersey born raised]

I did not say she was not. I asked what her thoughts where. How is she going to protect him from feelings he is being replaced as a husband and a father? Yes her, as she is the one leaving.

 

My sister is dealing with a trophy wife who thinks that she gets to co-mother my sister daughter who is a freshman in HS. Really? This twit at one point the daughter should be with them full time as they are a two parent household. She also thinks her home study will be fine as a bedroom for the daughter, provided she was up and out at 8 am .

 

So my question is who is the OP, my sisters ex or my friends father who left the house, and paid the mortgage on the home for close to a decade. Actions, not words.

 

If this is blunt, so is life. I wish my exBIL just thought ahead and considered others.

[Jersey born raised]

Oh, woman can be just as thoughtless as men.

[66Charger]

Imo, the OP did consider others, however, not in the beginning. She fell and had a EA (inconsiderate) She did not have a PA and tried NC. It didn't work and she talked to her husband, told him the truth (considerate) and they are seperating. That may be the best you could do, out of a bad situation.

 

Edit" To be honest, Sorry, if I hold hope the the MM is just like other mms, and that your X gives you the 180, and you hate it.

 

I will also hope that you eventually find happiness.

 

But with whom?

Edited May 26, 2016 by 66Charger

[Babsinhealing]

Best of luck imsosad. After being on this site for months (more lurking than posting these days) I'm a firm believer that everyone's situation is different and while stats are there, there are outliers and sometimes love does win! I wish you happiness and that someday you can put all this behind you and finally find your "happily ever after"

[imsosad]

Thanks,everyone.

I appreciate each and every comment, even if it stings sometimes. I know you all raise valud points.

Jersey, my STBXH is not abusive or violent. He is a hard working family man and I hope that he and I will be able to maintain close for our children. I plan to be very fair and non argumentative and will support him as a father, he is a great dad and both he and our children deserve to remain as close as possible.

My H told me today that my AP's BS contacted him and that they met several times. I guess you can call it comparing notes. They both reached the conclusion that the situation is beyond salvaging either M and they both want to move forward as quick as possible with uncontested divorces.

He brought tears to my eyes. He said she was very concerned about me coming near her kids (i get that,completely) and he told her she could hate me as much as he does right now,but she never has to worry about me and her kids.

I think their conversation hepled them both. They both heard our accounts (confessions) of our affair and they seem very similar. My H was relieved there was no PA, his W doesnt feel it makes a difference.

I guess it will be a while before any of us will feel better, I accept that processing the pain I inflicted is not as bad as experiencing it,but I do hurt.

My AP will begin counselling in a few weeks to walk through it all and try to make good joint decisions.

Hope it helps, dealing with the guilt is hard and yes, I know full well I am not the victim here.

[lemondrop21]

I have to say that this thread is a lot more palatable than much of what ends up on LS. It sounds like these are four mature and relatively stable adults going through something very difficult, and yes it's unfortunate that there has been and will continue to be pain, but they are all doing the best they can given the situation. Yes it will be really tough on the kids for a while, but I would pick these four as parents/stepparents over a heck of a lot of married two parent households.

[stilltrying16]

I'msosad, I'm very glad things are getting sorted out for you. Lemon made an excellent point about your situation- and your handling of it: they are far more "palatable" than so many other accounts we read about here. But I have a slight difference of opinion with her on just one thing: I think your kids will be dealing with at least 3 mature, giving, compassionate parent/step parents: you, your STBX H and your MM's STBX W. As for MM, I'm not sure yet about how giving a person he is- and my doubts are based pretty much on what you said earlier in the thread. But I hope he has turned around for your sake- I think you deserve the best. And so do the kids, your H and his W.

 

I just finished reading your thread in one go, so that may very well be biasing my opinion: it could be that what you worried over earlier is no longer relevant. Also, being I think a very scrupulous person, you were trying hard not to get sucked in, and so you made it a point to detail his failings then. But if my misgivings are at all justified, it'll only be because what you saw in him then is still relevant: you found him conflict-avoidant, callous (in cheating on his pregnant wife, badmouthing her, and feeling no guilt nor remorse), breaking NC and even acting as though he were 17 when he was trying to pressure you. But after that he has certainly been decisive and appears to have followed through. Maybe the shock of losing you helped him grow up. So I hope things do turn out well. I think you are being really (and characteristically) smart in insisting on counseling while the divorces are in process- and not rushing. I also think that given his cheating and what he said about his wife and his marriage, the divorce might be a very good thing for his wife: it could mean real freedom and the possibility of finding someone who loves her for herself. That's what I hope for her and with him out of her life, there might be a chance of her finding these things.

 

Just one quick note about NC; sometimes it's discussed in terms of how it will change the behavior of the AP- and this is not its purpose IMO. Sometimes it's discussed as a way for the NCer to ease into detachment. And I think this can be one effect and a very desirable one if the NCer is in an affair fog. But even detaching from an AP who is a bad idea, is ultimately not important as the real goal of NC, which is to discover one's own inner strength, emotional independence, and clarity and get outside the state of fog and limerance. If after a long period of NC you find yourself still attached to the AP, you now know it is not because of what you called the "dopamine trap" (perfect term!). NC might have been an unnecessarily long and painful way to get to the point you are at now, but I wonder if it was still necessary for you to be in the next stage- the one you are in now, where you can be clear and levelheaded in deciding he is who you really want.

 

throughout the thread you come across as a compassionate, introspective, and empathetic person. I'm glad your happiness might be within reach, and I wish you the very best.

Edited May 26, 2016 by stilltrying16

[imsosad]

Thank you,stilltrying.

I agree on the purpose of NC. I did not view it as a manipulation tool at all. I went NC with full intent to move past the A and on to a better place for myself and my marriage. I realise now I was denying my feelings for my AP, I couldnt stand being married to one man and in love with another. So I foused on my ap's low moments, highlighting them and concluding I couldnt be in love with him. On a deeper level, I just missed him more every day.

I am certain that NC unintentionally brought us closer. He says at first he thought he would get over it, but as time went by,he felt weak and stupid and that it was time for difficult choices. He knows all my concerns regarding his behaviour.

I will be called childish and romantic,but at the end of the day, we were both depressed and heartbroken a year in to NC. When we reconnected,we knew we didnt want to part again and this time it wasnt only me who did not want an A, he didnt either. I took that to mean he did make some emotional.progress.

Does that mean we will be happy together long term? I can't say.

I take people's insights, experience and advice seriously and appreciate you guys taking the time to read and comment.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks,everyone.

I appreciate each and every comment, even if it stings sometimes. I know you all raise valud points.

Jersey, my STBXH is not abusive or violent. He is a hard working family man and I hope that he and I will be able to maintain close for our children. I plan to be very fair and non argumentative and will support him as a father, he is a great dad and both he and our children deserve to remain as close as possible.

My H told me today that my AP's BS contacted him and that they met several times. I guess you can call it comparing notes. They both reached the conclusion that the situation is beyond salvaging either M and they both want to move forward as quick as possible with uncontested divorces.

He brought tears to my eyes. He said she was very concerned about me coming near her kids (i get that,completely) and he told her she could hate me as much as he does right now,but she never has to worry about me and her kids.

I think their conversation hepled them both. They both heard our accounts (confessions) of our affair and they seem very similar. My H was relieved there was no PA, his W doesnt feel it makes a difference.

I guess it will be a while before any of us will feel better, I accept that processing the pain I inflicted is not as bad as experiencing it,but I do hurt.

My AP will begin counselling in a few weeks to walk through it all and try to make good joint decisions.

Hope it helps, dealing with the guilt is hard and yes, I know full well I am not the victim here.

 

Then don't rush it. Don't get married as soon as you divorce. GIVE ALL the kids a YEAR at least to adjust and get used to life and all the changes. You and him need to get out of the affair dynamic, rebuild a NEW relationship, date and get to know one another in a new light and get some counseling before 1)moving in together 2)involving kids.

[imsosad]

Whichway, that is exactly the plan.

We will be living seperately and dating normally. It helps that we havent been physical.

No engagement in the near future.

[minimariah]

hello, OP!

 

as a former BS --- my xH & his xOW are now married and our relationship is good --- i think i can offer you some useful advice.

 

you did well so far! be VERY careful. situations like these are always full of tensions, even when you don't see them. i'd strongly recommend family counseling - both for you AND your MM. it's super useful and it makes the transition a lot easier! you should definitely wait with remarrying. you're now together - there's no rush. date for some time, take it easy... remarrying quickly after your divorce(s) is generally not a good idea. depends on the children & how they adapt... but you should probably wait - i'd say one year from now (your separation) is a reasonable amount of time for everyone to move on.

 

the BS is scared, for sure. it is a scary situation -- she probably feels like you might take over her place as a Mommy; it's an irrational fear but it does exist. you feel like your entire life is slipping out of your hands and you think about the worst scenarios possible. you don't know if this Other Woman hates you, thinks the worst of you, will try to turn your kids against you...? so try to understand her; do NOT fire back if she attacks you verbally... after those critical first months pass, the dust does settle down. be neutral, let your MM guide you in your relationship with his children. make sure you make yourself available to his STBXW; that means... you can tell your MM to present you as someone who is ready to discuss your role in the child's life, someone ready for a friendly relationship. if she accepts - you can slowly introduce yourself to her & build a civil relationship. if not...? try to be civil, act as your MM's support and stay out of their family business. you, as a stepmother - will have the power your MM allows you... and indirectly, his BS.

 

you seem to be more grounded and realistic than your MM. so be the voice of reason here and take it carefully, slowly. it will be okay. good relationships are certainly possible but it's an never ending road and you have to WORK on it... just like on every other relationship. aim for civil for now. everything more than that is a bonus. i hope everything goes as calmly as possible. be ready for unpleasant suprises though.

Edited May 26, 2016 by minimariah

[Liam1]

Whichway, that is exactly the plan.

We will be living seperately and dating normally. It helps that we havent been physical.

No engagement in the near future.

 

That sounds like a very good idea.

 

People can seem very different in an affair than in a real dating relationship.

 

Best of luck.

[minimariah]

Whichway, that is exactly the plan.

We will be living seperately and dating normally. It helps that we havent been physical.

No engagement in the near future.

 

you reminded me - be aware of the pressure. postaffair relationships are usually under enormous pressure to either make it or break; that's something that very heavily affected my xH & OW and they did separate for some time and recently finally reunited for good, i think. every single thing they did or didn't do was viewed by others as some kind of SIGN that they won't make it. so to constantly hear that... it's rough. make sure you're focused on you and that you're able to communicate about everything, no taboo subjects.

[ladydesigner]

Imsosad not sure if you have been asked this question yet, what will you do if the sex is not good?

 

I do hope for the best oucome for you no matter what that is, either with your AP or someone new.

 

Reason I ask is because when I had my A with xOM our A was like many here, we connected, had the same interests, chemistry felt incredible until we had sex I am one of the one's who was astonished when this happened. It was the number one reason I knew it would never work out with him.

Edited May 26, 2016 by ladydesigner
Typo

[stilltrying16]

Great advice on this thread: I agree with everyone above.

 

I seem to remember you saying that he was financially dependent on her? I hope I'm wrong. If he is, I hope his BW has a great support circle, amazing lawyers and that she doesn't end up having to pay him alimony. I've heard that can happen.

 

There's no problem with her getting custody, I assume? Her youngest is just about a year old, if my math is right. Hope she doesn't have to give up any time with her kids.

[imsosad]

Thanks,everone.

Minimara, i read everything you wrote very carefully. My irrational hope is that his BS and I can be friendly in the future. I know it will take time. I also feel exactly what you said about the make or break, so.much. pressure! Just the enormous expectations can break a realtionship.

She does earn more than he does. She will get full custody now and they will discuss joint custody in three years. My H said she was ok with the agreement they reached, she is more hurt about him going in to MC with her,and not telling her about the A. It seems it upsets her more than the A itself.

As for our agreement, it's pretty much done. Kids stay at home with me, we both pay mortgage and when the children grow up and leave, sell and split. My H will be moving in to a apartment that is owned by my family, he will not be paying rent and he can stay there as long as he wants.

What will I do if the sex is not good? I guess are both in total denial about that possibilty. It is a huge issue,for sure.

[stilltrying16]

Thanks so much, I'msosad. I completely get how she feels about the MC, but it's so great that she's happy with the more important issue of custody. I also think you're approaching it all with so much awareness and empathy. It's been a painful journey but it seems to be heading in a good direction now. Sending you strength and much peace of mind.

Edited May 27, 2016 by stilltrying16

[Cloudcuckoo]

Imsosad, of all the stories I've read here (I'm a BS) yours has without doubt conveyed the most empathic awareness of ALL the people and circumstances surrounding your situation.

 

I congratulate you on your consideration for all concerned, long may your sensitivity to others feelings, especially his wife of course, as I feel her pain too, prevail. Be compassionate to her but do not engage with bad behaviour should it occur. Allow her time to grieve the loss of her marriage however she may have known it, and express her hurt.

 

Minimariah made a greatly insightful and generous post. Follow her wisdom and be guided by your evident empathy without conceding your own well being eventually the dust will settle and you can begin to really know your prospective new partner.

 

I wish you strength for your new journey, and future happiness for all of you.

[imsosad]

Thank you, cloudcuckoo.

Your words mean a lot, especially coming from a BS. I hope to be worthy of the kind words you and others extend to me. It will take a while to get back my own good oppinion of myself. A friend of my family heard what was going on, he went through similar events nearly 20 years ago. He invited my ap and i over to talk to him and his wife about their experience in transitioning from APs to partners and blending families. I value such offers, i expected much more harsh judgement.

[minimariah]

My irrational hope is that his BS and I can be friendly in the future.

 

it certainly is possible but i don't know how likely it is. just reaching some kind of civil relationship where you're all able to work together is a HUGE success... everything else is just a bonus. she may not want to meet you at all and that's fine as long as she continues to coparent well & is civil.

 

with me... i credit my OW a lot - she definitely worked to make me feel comfortable. she made herself available to me and i actually sat down with her to discuss her role in my daughter's life. now... the person who gives her most power is my xH but just her gesture meant a lot, you know? it really did. i saw how hard she tried not to do anything to offend me and i was like - well, okay...... she might not be this monster i thought she was after all. we joke that she courted me, LOL. but even if she didn't - i'd appreciate her just being civil, not gossiping about me and letting me and my xH handling our family business. respecting me and my boundaries. that's all i really hoped for. i was very afraid of the negativity she might feel for me or just blatant disregard - i never signed up to have my daughter raised by this unknown woman. but since me and my xH agreed on joint physical custody - it became obvious that she WILL be close to my daughter and take over a motherly role when she's with her daddy. that, for me, was the most bitter pill to swallow. i felt this irrational fear of her stealing my kid and that's probably what your wife feels right now. btw, GOOD for your H on having the kind words for you in front of her!

 

you focus on your relationship with your xH. make yourself available and friendly... it's up to her to recognize that and respond OR refuse. things most definitely should get easier during the year -- that 1st year is always critical. TRY to avoid ANY conflict and be as calm as you can be. suggest counseling and some kind of mediator if there's something you cannot agree on. be careful and aware of how fragile the situation is - make every moment count. it is a looooong road and you will have disagreements from both sides. we still do and our divorce was as amicable as you can imagine.

 

you should be fine. about sex... look, you will worry about that IF and WHEN it happens. i personally don't think you'll have major problems in that area.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks,everone.

Minimara, i read everything you wrote very carefully. My irrational hope is that his BS and I can be friendly in the future. I know it will take time. I also feel exactly what you said about the make or break, so.much. pressure! Just the enormous expectations can break a realtionship.

She does earn more than he does. She will get full custody now and they will discuss joint custody in three years. My H said she was ok with the agreement they reached, she is more hurt about him going in to MC with her,and not telling her about the A. It seems it upsets her more than the A itself.

As for our agreement, it's pretty much done. Kids stay at home with me, we both pay mortgage and when the children grow up and leave, sell and split. My H will be moving in to a apartment that is owned by my family, he will not be paying rent and he can stay there as long as he wants.

What will I do if the sex is not good? I guess are both in total denial about that possibilty. It is a huge issue,for sure.

 

If the sex sucks, or your lives together don't mesh well like it did during the A, it can end. Remember, you're not obligated to stay with him or anybody if you are unhappy. You can end it if you're not happy, regardless of the heartache and all the changes that happened previously. Some things last and some don't. Just don't project into the future so far, live for the now.

[Jersey born raised]

The agreement with your husband is it in writing? Is it legally binding?

[HeCantBreakMe]

imsosad,

 

Our situations are so very similar. I just posted my story today so feel free to read and we can commiserate.

 

I am so proud of you being 5 months in NC. I am only 9 days in and I am really hurting too. I went on a run today and kept saying that I am strong and he is weak. I mentally listed all of the negative things in my head about him- it helped my run but it didn't take the pain away.

 

I have to say it sounds like your MM has a lot of respect for you staying out of NC. I know a lot of MM on these boards who continue and future fake with their AP's to keep them dangling along. Be happy you haven't heard from him it will only make things harder. If he truly loved you he would make his situation right and take care of himself before he came hunting for you but he may be doing the right thing and being there for his family. I know it hurts to think about that but maybe that is for the best. Take care of you, your family, and see if you can mend your marriage. I always felt like the best revenge on my MM is to move on- I am seeking indifference and I pray that one day I will get there when i hear his name.

 

We can do this together! i need your support and I would love to be 5 months into NC and where you are at.

[lemondrop21]

imsosad,

 

Our situations are so very similar. I just posted my story today so feel free to read and we can commiserate.

 

I am so proud of you being 5 months in NC. I am only 9 days in and I am really hurting too. I went on a run today and kept saying that I am strong and he is weak. I mentally listed all of the negative things in my head about him- it helped my run but it didn't take the pain away.

 

I have to say it sounds like your MM has a lot of respect for you staying out of NC. I know a lot of MM on these boards who continue and future fake with their AP's to keep them dangling along. Be happy you haven't heard from him it will only make things harder. If he truly loved you he would make his situation right and take care of himself before he came hunting for you but he may be doing the right thing and being there for his family. I know it hurts to think about that but maybe that is for the best. Take care of you, your family, and see if you can mend your marriage. I always felt like the best revenge on my MM is to move on- I am seeking indifference and I pray that one day I will get there when i hear his name.

 

We can do this together! i need your support and I would love to be 5 months into NC and where you are at.

HeCantBreakMe - I'm so sad is going through a divorce, leaving her marriage for her AP... You are behind on this thread. They were NC for a year. I'd actually suggest that you may not want to read the whole thing, it may be a bit triggery for you at this stage. Hugs.