Not over it [updated]

[NTV]

So have you told your husband?

[lemondrop21]

I am taking in to account the possibilty of my ap reconciling with his W.

He left back in November. She asked for six months of mc before filing, to which he agreed.

I get it. If my H asks, id also try.

He has been to see a divorce lawyer and so has she. I try not to get too involved because i dont want this to turn in to everything depending on what he does.

I know he can back down, it's not the point as far as im.concerned. its more making up my own mind, even if it means ending up without both my H and my AP.

So the six months of MC is just about up - has AP said he's definitely filing on XX date? Sorry if I missed this somewhere else.

 

This is not going to be a popular opinion, but I actually disagree with the idea that you should automatically leave regardless of what AP does, as "it's only fair to your H." You have made a huge mistake in having the A, to be sure... but if AP ends up staying married and you end what you describe as a pretty good marriage, then you'll have to live with the guilt of putting your kids through a divorce for "nothing." Sure you can talk about meeting someone new down the road who meets this unfulfilled need in your marriage (romance/passion, I assume), but really, truly, falling in love is rare. Really rare.

 

So if AP doesn't leave his marriage, you have to assume that you are leaving essentially so that you can live authentically. That is a very noble goal, but it has to trump the guilt you'll feel over the kids, the sadness you'll feel over your own failed marriage, etc. Only you can decide which scenario is worth more to you.

 

Also, you don't actually know that your H would want you to "set him free," if he knew about the A. Plenty of people are okay with having being so-called "second choice" as long as they wind up with the person they desire to be with. It's uncomfortable to admit, but true.

Edited May 17, 2016 by lemondrop21

[Bittersweetie]

How did dday chance your experience of nc?

 

My d-day came a few months after the A ended. During the A, my H and I were living in separate parts of the country. The A ended (not my choice) and my H returned. During that time, I still thought of AP, but I started to reconnect with my H. When d-day happened, I knew I wanted to stay with my H, if he would give me the chance.

 

My H told me clearly that if I broke NC our marriage would be over. So I stayed NC. I was being held accountable by someone other than myself. For a while I wasn't NC internally...I still thought of AP even though I had no intention of contacting AP. I realized I was just looking for an escape from my reality...a reality that I myself created. After that realization it was easier to maintain NC all around.

 

I question your therapist thinking you should divorce and marry MM. My therapist NEVER told me what she thought I should do. She was there to listen and guide me through my thoughts and choices. She NEVER offered her opinion on anything...that was not her place. I suggest you find a new therapist, yours sounds shady. And don't have the new one meet your H or AP either, that seems like muddying the waters.

[imsosad]

Bittersweetie, im so glad you and your H are making it work out.

My therapist is very decent (and qualified), i chose one that would speak up. She said that based on some stuff I havent written about here.

I get how being accountable changes tge whole concept.

Lemon, they have an agreement pending their signatures and then its a matter of filing and finalising. His BW wants to reconcile. He has been living apart since Nov, and is waiting for me to join him.

I wouldnt be shocked if he went back to live with his family if I said no.

I told him maybe we can wait a few years until the children grow up and then,if we still feel the same, take this chance mainly on ourselves. He thinks Im stalling because I still.do love my H.

What a mess.

[NTV]

Does the length of your therapy coincide with the length of the affair?

[imsosad]

No.

I saw her about three years ago for about a year, during which my H came to several sessions. We then carried on individualy for a while.

I went back, about 10 months in to NC because I was falling apart.

She was supporting me to keep NC.

When we broke NC, I asked him to come with me because I needed to figure out what was happening.

[Etnyrequad]

I think you're overthinking this way too much. You said your husband loves you to bits and treats you well, that's what matters. This other guy has never had to work for you and your husband has

[imsosad]

I know my H loves me and treats me very well. I have a good life, he respects me, cares for me, provides well, is great with the kids. All above and beyond.

But im in love with someone else. Call me dumb, childish, selfish, delusional. I have already called myself that a thousand times.

Sadly, I can't get my right mind and my heart to align.

[imperfectangel]

I know my H loves me and treats me very well. I have a good life, he respects me, cares for me, provides well, is great with the kids. All above and beyond.

But im in love with someone else. Call me dumb, childish, selfish, delusional. I have already called myself that a thousand times.

Sadly, I can't get my right mind and my heart to align.

 

Sorry I don't know your back story - have you told your OM how you really feel? I laid all my cards on the table. He didn't want my product. I walked away. If you aren't in love with your husband why not set him free to find someone that will love him?

[imsosad]

Oh,yes.

My AP know everything. He is more certain about divorcing and trying to be together, probably because his M is far worst than mine.

I am not sure. I know tge stats for D and M aming affair partners. We have six children between us. I do love my H, but am in love with my AP

I dont know what to do.

I dont want to hurt anyone, but my ap and i tried to NC for over a year and it left us both reeling with heartbreak.

[Sub]

When we broke NC, I asked him to come with me because I needed to figure out what was happening.

 

And what was his input into the sessions he attended, as to what was happening?

 

I think I may have said earlier in the thread, but now is a good time to be open with your H. I can imagine it seems impossibly difficult, but there's good reason to think he won't be completely blindsided and/or destroyed. He knows you've been in counseling. You've had a 4-month EA that you cut off and have gone NC with for a long period of time. Your struggles have been genuine. His response to how you feel may even bring some clarity to you.

[imsosad]

I did not write clearly. After breaking NC, it was my AP who came with times.

He said he thinks it's his fault I dont have enough faith in us to take this step, because he wasshakey last year, but that our time apart made him realise that what we feel for each other is real and everything else is just fear.

I am pretty certain my H sensed some of what was going on and would forgive me if I told him. I dont think he would divorce me for my feelings and my actions have been limited.

Maybe it is the best thing to do. Maybe getting it out in the open will break the spell.

(My H knows there was a time i considered divore seriously-this was prior to the A-and he acknowledges his part in the process that drove our M to the edge)

[imperfectangel]

Oh,yes.

My AP know everything. He is more certain about divorcing and trying to be together, probably because his M is far worst than mine.

I am not sure. I know tge stats for D and M aming affair partners. We have six children between us. I do love my H, but am in love with my AP

I dont know what to do.

I dont want to hurt anyone, but my ap and i tried to NC for over a year and it left us both reeling with heartbreak.

 

If you genuinely want to be with your AP then you need to take that step. It will be hard, a rough few months for sure but you can't be miserable pining away for him for the rest of your life. That's not fair on you or your H

[Sub]

I don't think it's about breaking "the spell", necessarily. I think you need to separate the two. Leave the M because you want to. Not because of the OM.

 

He thinks you don't have faith in your R because he was "shaky". Maybe you don't have faith in him because he's not everything you want him to be. There's enough evidence in this thread to say he's got some considerable flaws. And I almost feel like he's pumping up the value of this R because he's the one in the worse situation. He appears to need you more than you need him.

 

You don't NEED him, imsosad. And if you tell your H and the two of you separate, you will still have plenty in your life.

[Jersey born raised]

If you separate will you move out and your husband and children stay in the home?

 

Have you thought about how to be fair to your husband and children if you divorce them?

 

Part of the fog is you don't ask these questions. You say I know this will hurt. One way to tell if this is real is to ask and answer these questions.

 

For example (this occurred in the late sixties) my friends father could have been your MOM. He gave full custody with limited visitation to the wife. He continued to pay 3/4 the mortgage till the youngest was 19 on the family home. At which time it was to be sold and equity split 50/50. He paid the child support and alimony on time every month for years.

 

Would you be willing to offer the same terms?

[Jersey born raised]

I realize my last post could be seen as borderline out of bounds. But divorce forces us to make hard choices. To face realize this is now my life.

 

It causes a "oh shyt what have I done" moment. A friend said the only thing that came close was the first week of boot camp. There was no sorry I made a mistake. You endured or you where jailed until they discharged you. Those where the only two choices. That discharge, it counts every bit as much as a conviction for fraud or arm robberies.

[imsosad]

So.

My AP filed divorce papers.

I told my hI had fallen in love with someone, that we had an EA, that it was over for a year and now back on.

I can't handle writing down all that has been going on.

Bottom line, my husband moved out.

At this point, I asked my AP for a six months period in which we can each focus on our children and support them through this transition. We are in contact and I do see him, but we are maintaing boundries. We meet just to talk and see each other. I want us to get some joint counselling to help.us figure out how to move forward, He accepts it,even though he says he wants us to marry as soon as both divorces are final. My H and have not filed yet, we are discussing how to go through with it as calmly and rationally as possible.Besides, even though it feels so rright,as parents, my AP and I have to br responsible to our children to date nirmally for a while before rushing in to marriage. It all feels so weird. Relief,sadness,excitment,fear,love. Overwhelmed. Scared.Happy.Guilty.

Deep down,i knew right from the start that thisis how it would go down.

Edited May 24, 2016 by imsosad
typos

[Grey Cloud]

So.

My AP filed divorce papers.

I told my hI had fallen in love with someone, that we had an EA, that it was over for a year and now back on.

I can't handle writing down all that has been going on.

Bottom line, my husband moved out.

At this point, I asked my AP for a six months period in which we can each focus on our children and support them through this transition. We are in contact and I do see him, but we are maintaing boundries. We meet just to talk and see each other. I want us to get some joint counselling to help.us figure out how to move forward, He accepts it,even though he says he wants us to marry as soon as both divorces are final. My H and have not filed yet, we are discussing how to go through with it as calmly and rationally as possible.Besides, even though it feels so rright,as parents, my AP and I have to br responsible to our children to date nirmally for a while before rushing in to marriage. It all feels so weird. Relief,sadness,excitment,fear,love. Overwhelmed. Scared.Happy.Guilty.

Deep down,i knew right from the start that thisis how it would go down.

 

Wow. That's big news Imsosad. I just can't believe that after NC for a year this is how it ended up! It's a little bit scary to be honest because everyone advocates NC to get over AP's and move on but I guess in your case it had the opposite effect!

 

Was your husband shocked/surprised? I can imagine telling him would have been very difficult.

 

I know you are going through a lot but you mentioned several times previously that during NC things were better/stronger with your H. Was it just that you loved AP more?

 

I wish you nothing but the best in the coming months moving forwards.

[Cymbeline]

'Deep down,i knew right from the start that thisis how it would go down.'

 

There is a term for this . It's called confirmation bias. I am sorry for what you have been through but having re read your posts and your struggles, you seem quite psychologically unaware and quite a romantic. I hope you are all able to find happiness now though. Best wishes.

[imsosad]

Telling my H was awful. He was not as shocked as I expected. He said he knew me well enough to.realise that if this happened, it had to hard for me too. He was mad and hurt, but felt relieved in a way because he has been feeling that while i was making an effort, i was far away and have been for a while.

NC was bad. I did my best to distance myself from my AP and grow closer to my H. It worked but backfired. The better things got between us, the more I knew I had already gone too far emotinally to really come back.

I tried to deny my feelings for my AP but they were right there.

I know i am romantic,but i try to act rationally. If this is the right thing to do,i dont know. Only time will tell. I could not live as things were.

Maybe I am unaware, even though I try to be. I often feel like my post dont reflect me well, i am very different in real life.

This whole situation is stunning to me. I know the odds of married men and women leaving marriages are slim, and the dds that a relationship that started off this way are not good. That is why I want to take it slow,even though my impulse is to run forward. Too many kids involved to let romantic notions take over completely.

As for the bias. Well, i dont know. I tried to.fight the thought all the time. I reminded myself how rare it is for mm to actually leave.

I hope we land on the lucky side of the statistics.

[imsosad]

For both of us, NC worked the opposite as planned and expected.

We did not forget, move forward, get better or grow apart. If anything, maybe it got us to the point we are at right now. Had we continued the A, i dont know where we'd be today.

Maybe it means nothing and this is all a big mistake. I am trying to remain reserved, yet hopeful at the same time,but i am exploding inside.

[lemondrop21]

Just wanted to wish you all the best imsosad. I had been wondering what had happened to you these past few days. All I can say is that you've made a lot of really tough decisions lately and I can only imagine what you've gone through, and will continue to go through, in the coming year. Please know that people are here for you.

[imsosad]

Thank you, Lemon.

It seems awkward to post, I know most people here view divorce and remarriage among APs as the worst outcome possible and I can somewhat agree.

Having said that,I got so much support and goid advice here that I feel attached and will probably keep posting, both to update and to advocate NC. If it works,it works. If it doesnt,maybe there's a reaso for it:)

[Sub]

Kudos to you for making the hard decision and getting things in the open with your H.

 

He accepts it,even though he says he wants us to marry as soon as both divorces are final.

This is a little bit of a red flag. I noticed before it appears he's on a different track than you. A different timeline. I would guess counseling would sort some of these things out. But stand strong on these things. You can't be the only practical one.

[Jersey born raised]

A previous poster mentioned they suspected hidden issues concerning your husband. Are they any?

 

I think the only way your new relationship will work is if you acknowledge how the fall out of your decision will effect your spouses and children and ther likely reaction.

 

On my last post I asked you about where the rubber meets the road issues. I asked if you would move out, but I see he did.

 

Even if there are major issues within your husband (drug use, porn use, alcoholism, chronic unemployment, abusre, etc ) your children will be deeply effect by your decision. First by the divorce than by the attempt to blend families.

 

Be Prepared: a stupid expression from Boy Scouts. What really sucks about it is how true it is. I suspect a lot of APs who marry run up against this and lose the marriage as a result of not being prepared.

 

People are people and expect them to aiways be "oh so enlighten, understanding and self sacrificing" is foolish.

Edited May 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator