Do You See What I See?

[Marc878]

Hero,

 

It seems like you have a deep weakness for your wife. You had better grow a set real quick and man up.

 

She will try and control you and the situation.

 

Make no mistake she's a selfish lying cheater and is used to having her way.

 

Full exposure will fix that real quick. You have all the evidence you will ever need.

 

Use it to your full advantage and get out of this mess.

 

Your life going forward is what you will make it.

[Krashi]

I agree with lola...knowledge is power and that she is waaaay out of his league.

 

Any of his knowledge of her activities that he shares with her, gives her the information she needs to come up with enough *good* cover stories, possible plausible reasons as to what he's seen with his own two lying eyes isn't really what happened, and to rewrite history to cover her own bad behavior and put it on him to all the others she tells Their Newly Rewritten Story to.

 

By telling her nothing she has no idea which part she needs to put the spin on.

I have no problem with his not disclosing specifics or sources. But, he does need to start telling others that he uncovered her cheating.

[happyman64]

NO!!! NO!!

 

You're giving her ammunition, Sge can go to the police with it. NO!

 

 

 

Hero has all the ammunition he needs.

 

 

She cannot go to the police with a message like that.

 

 

After all, it is the truth. And he pays for the phone. And he has access to his cell account.

 

 

He needs to end the affair now.

 

 

Not tomorrow. Not on Thanksgiving. But now.

 

 

And if she feels one ounce of guilt she will spill her guts.

 

 

And if she is as remorseless and selfish as hero portrays her to be she will agree to split amicably.

[StBreton]

Sent to her parents

 

I like the idea. Op's wife will probably just smear him to them She'll drum up some sort of sympathy story.

 

Parents will almost always side with their kids even in the face of obvious transgressions.

[Krashi]

NO!!! NO!!

 

You're giving her ammunition, Sge can go to the police with it. NO!

I agree. I practiced law for a long time and you cannot do this as it constitutes extortion. I do not believe any prosecutor would ever go after you, but a divorce atty may try shoving it down your throat as leverage.

You may wind up in court and our Family Court system is incredibly biased toward women. Do not give her more ammunition. No threats. Any suggestion of making this public to gain leverage has to be done subtly and verbally. No documentation.

[Marc878]

[Hello everyone, never thought I would find myself on a site like this, but I could really use some advice before I do something stupid. Anyway, we've been married 10 years, about 6 months ago my wife decided she wanted to go back to work. Everything was fine and then I started to notice a few changes in her after she had been at this new job for about 2 months. She started hanging out more after work with her new co-workers, staying out late, dressing a little sexier for work, but the biggest red flag for me was the change in our sex life. We went from 4-5 times a week to 2-3 times a month and in the past 3 months, nothing]

 

Hero,

 

She withheld sex from you because she feels it would be cheating on her new boyfriend. It's sick but that's why. Take some time and realize what you're dealing with here.

[lolablue17]

Hero has all the ammunition he needs.

 

 

She cannot go to the police with a message like that.

 

 

After all, it is the truth. And he pays for the phone. And he has access to his cell account.

 

 

He needs to end the affair now.

 

 

Not tomorrow. Not on Thanksgiving. But now.

 

 

And if she feels one ounce of guilt she will spill her guts.

 

 

And if she is as remorseless and selfish as hero portrays her to be she will agree to split amicably.

 

Even if you're right (I think you're not), the worst thing he can do is threatening her "I will bury you". No threats, no documented texts, nothing.

[Krashi]

Hero has all the ammunition he needs.

 

 

She cannot go to the police with a message like that.

 

 

After all, it is the truth. And he pays for the phone. And he has access to his cell account.

 

 

He needs to end the affair now.

 

 

Not tomorrow. Not on Thanksgiving. But now.

 

 

And if she feels one ounce of guilt she will spill her guts.

 

 

And if she is as remorseless and selfish as hero portrays her to be she will agree to split amicably.

Extortion has nothing to do with the threat containing true information. It is the threat alone that counts.

See, for example, the Rick Pitino case.

[Marc878]

Thanks Grumps

I respect a man who doesn't mince words.

I love my wife so much Grumps it hurts,

But I can guarantee you this...when she gets home

If she thinks I will allow her to disrespect me...she married the wrong guy

 

You love who you thought your wife was not what she actually is. You need to wake up.

 

You obviously put her on a pedestal and were living in a fantasy which worked really well for her until now.

 

She will pull everything she knows to get you back under her control. Do not be played for a fool any longer.

[Marc878]

Thanks

 

I think I'm slowly waking up out of my own fog

If this is true, this is going to kill her family

 

I haven't even proven anything yet, but I can feel my heartbreaking already

Just don't know what I did to deserve this

 

You did nothing to deserve this. No one does.

 

You will never understand this. No one can

[StBreton]

Surely you aren't going to try and live with this/her over the holidays???????

 

Back up all your documents and put them in a safe secure place. You need to protect your finances now. Freeze your accounts or take her off immediately.

 

You cannot trust her with anything!!!!

 

I agree. Filing for divorce can also protect your debt as any debt she incurs after filing is hers. If you decide to stay with her you can always cancel the filing. I just don't know if I could go back to someone who called me a fool. I'm so sorry Hero ..you surely don't deserve this.

[Marc878]

Hero,

 

There is no such thing as snooping or secrecy in a marriage.

 

Trusting too much is a real problem. You should know that now.

[Sastrugi]

Extortion has nothing to do with the threat containing true information. It is the threat alone that counts.

See, for example, the Rick Pitino case.

 

There is no extortion if you send the text as I noted before:" I know you are in an affair with OM ( insert name), please stay some where else while I figure out what to do with my life". Do not give your evidence at this time. Wait to see her response.

 

There is no need to gather more evidence. I agree with all others who say do not give out your source of evidence at this point.

 

IF Op's WW is as bad as you are all saying, would not the best course of action be to let her know that the affair is out in the open now. Frankly, why would anyone want to stay married to her.

 

OP you should file. Filing does not make an automatic divorce, you will have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do. Start the proceedure now so the WW understands you are serious... If by chance you see a significant change in your WW with real remorse you can always change your mind about D.

[happyman64]

Fine. Leave the "I will bury you " part out of the email.

 

 

Remember, nice guys finish last. And Hero has been too nice for way too long.

 

 

Does anyone know what state Hero is from?

[Krashi]

What do you really know about this woman's past, Hero? I would bet dollars to doughnuts that if you can access her past history, you"ll find a wake of destruction: past cheating and other signs of incredible dishonesty.

Folks do not get to age 39 and suddenly have this type of cruelty and dishnesty emerge.

At some point, when you are looking at this in the rear vie mirror, if you can access folks who know her past, you might inquire.

What I found out was mind boggling.

[Marc878]

There is no extortion if you send the text as I noted before:" I know you are in an affair with OM ( insert name), please stay some where else while I figure out what to do with my life". Do not give your evidence at this time. Wait to see her response.

 

There is no need to gather more evidence. I agree with all others who say do not give out your source of evidence at this point.

 

IF Op's WW is as bad as you are all saying, would not the best course of action be to let her know that the affair is out in the open now. Frankly, why would anyone want to stay married to her.

 

OP you should file. Filing does not make an automatic divorce, you will have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do. Start the proceedure now so the WW understands you are serious... If by chance you see a significant change in your WW with real remorse you can always change your mind about D.

 

There will be no remorse for a betrayal this deep. Only sorrow that she got caught. Divorce and move on as quick as possible

[Krashi]

Fine. Leave the "I will bury you " part out of the email.

 

 

Remember, nice guys finish last. And Hero has been too nice for way too long.

 

 

Does anyone know what state Hero is from?

I agree. bad idea to play nice. But, do not expose yourself by giving her leverage/ammo.

Best thing you can do is to hire an aggressive, knowledgeable attorney who will slap you if you try to give away anything you do not have to.

I have represented men in this position. It is not uncommon for them to try to give away the store in an effort to , simply, get away from the pain.

Fortunately, you do not have custody issues. But, you will have asset division issues and , potentially maintenance issues.

You need a strong advocate , one who will , figuratively, slap the hell out of you if you start conceding things you do not have to.

 

And, please, please watch out for yourself s regards false domestic violence charges. I have seen opposing attorneys advise their clients to falsify this type of thing. It is disgusting, but we have such types in this profession ( no surprise, I am sure, to most of you).

[Hero]

listen everyone, I appreciate all the help and the advice

I want to personally thank each and everyone one of you for taking the time to contribute

 

I have to step away from all this and get my head on straight

expose, don't expose, confront, don't confront, divorce, reconcile

TBH I feel like I'm about to puke

 

Not because of the advice given here, you guys have been great

This has all been very therapeutic for me in a way

 

It's just that my entire world just came crashing down less than 24 hours ago

The woman who I thought was my soulmate from heaven has been replaced with a spawn from hell

I don't know who this person is, but she's not my wife

 

Yes, I have a weakness for my wife, she is my kryptonite

But that all changed when I discovered what I've discovered

someone here called me weak and said I'm out of her league

This pissed me off something fierce

 

I'm not weak

I decided to blow this thing out of the water now, to hell with the holidays

I like what HappyMan wrote and will probably use that as a template

Papers will be drawn up, letters will be drafted and ready to expose both her and her boy toy

Family members will be notified,

I will protect what's legally mine

 

She can spend Thanksgiving at her boy toy's house

I'm having Thanksgiving with my son in my own home

 

I am not weak and I am nobody's fool

I'm going to nuke the affair from orbit, it's the only way to be sure

[happyman64]

Good Luck Hero.

 

 

And you are in your own league.

 

 

I understand betrayal. I understand hurt.

 

 

There is a difference between revenge and consequences.

 

 

Show her consequences. You are not crazy and she is not the person you loved if she tries to make you feel that way.

 

 

Keep us posted and no matter what enjoy your time with your family.

 

 

Life will be good again. you control that and no one else.

 

 

HM

[oldshirt]

Spending time with family is a privilege, NOT a right.

 

She no longer enjoys the privileges a marriage - and therefore, a family by extension - provides.

 

Choices come with consequences; she must accept the consequences of her choices.

 

This^^^^^^

 

 

 

She has torn up her wife, step mother and in law cards and waived all privileges of a family holiday. She can spend the holiday on her parents couch.

[mrldii]

Hero, I did not take the comments "you're weak" and "she's out of your league" to be disparaging comments about you...

 

I took them as acknowledgements that you have loved, trusted, and given of yourself to your wife in your marriage (as spouses should do with one another) and that she is waaaaaay ahead of you in how to manipulate others/circumstances to her - and ONLY her - benefit.

 

You did nothing wrong loving her and being her partner and mate through the life you'd built together; you will only be doing *wrong* by continuing to love her and being her partner and mate, while she works to destroy everything you [two] had together.

 

 

Best of everything to you, during this very troubling time...

[Sastrugi]

I'm having Thanksgiving with my son in my own home

 

 

By far your best bet.

[Grumpybutfun]

Man, this is so sad to come back to read...the overt texts and emails of her disrespect is soulless. I definitely do not think you are weak. I think you are being pretty logical and proactive about it. It is easy for people on the Internet to cast aspersions on someone they have never met. I agree with your general plan...have a good holiday with your son in your home and concentrate on taking care of you right now. Infidelity is definitely considered trauma so you need to be around people who love you and can give you some solace. She made her bed...she will have to lie in it. Her gas lighting and trying to place the blame on you for her cheating shows just how off kilter her character has become.

In support,

Grumps

[oldshirt]

You are going to have to be strong and smart.

 

Never make threats.

 

Never show rage.

 

Never reveal your sources or how you know what you know.

 

Never reveal what you don't know.

 

Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to.

 

Never say what you are going to do or make threats of what you might do. Only take actions and let the actions speak for themselves (ie pack up all her $hit and have waiting on the porch, draw up divorce papers, freeze the bank accounts/credit cards etc.

 

You now already know what you need to know. You don't need to convince her that she cheated.. She already knows. Now just let her experience the consequences.

 

Always protect yourself and protect your resources. Get to a lawyer first.

 

Her game plan is to come home and try to BS you and minimize everything and sweep things under the rug and smooth things over. That is to your advantage. While she is trying to rug sweep, be working with your lawyer to get all your stuff together.

 

Let her bask in her own denial. That allows you time to circle your wagons and get your $hit together.

 

The most important advice I can give you now is SHUT THE F UP!!!

 

You can't hurt anything by saying too little but you can shoot yourself in the foot real easy by saying to much. I know you e full of rage and want to chew her out , but fight that urge with all your might. Keep your cards close to you and don't tip your hand.

 

Silence is golden here. Keep your mouth shut and let your actions speak for themselves.

[Krashi]

You are going to have to be strong and smart.

 

Never make threats.

 

Never show rage.

 

Never reveal your sources or how you know what you know.

 

Never reveal what you don't know.

 

Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to.

 

Never say what you are going to do or make threats of what you might do. Only take actions and let the actions speak for themselves (ie pack up all her $hit and have waiting on the porch, draw up divorce papers, freeze the bank accounts/credit cards etc.

 

You now already know what you need to know. You don't need to convince her that she cheated.. She already knows. Now just let her experience the consequences.

 

Always protect yourself and protect your resources. Get to a lawyer first.

 

Her game plan is to come home and try to BS you and minimize everything and sweep things under the rug and smooth things over. That is to your advantage. While she is trying to rug sweep, be working with your lawyer to get all your stuff together.

 

Let her bask in her own denial. That allows you time to circle your wagons and get your $hit together.

 

The most important advice I can give you now is SHUT THE F UP!!!

 

You can't hurt anything by saying too little but you can shoot yourself in the foot real easy by saying to much. I know you e full of rage and want to chew her out , but fight that urge with all your might. Keep your cards close to you and don't tip your hand.

 

Silence is golden here. Keep your mouth shut and let your actions speak for themselves.

Really good advice in dealing with her. You can, however, disclose the truth to others. Watch the extortion angle when dealing with her.